Archive for January 21st, 2010

I am my father’s Google.

21st January
2010
written by jed

“Hello?”

“Hello, Jed, it’s your father.”

“Hey, Dad.”

“What’s the name of the actor from Heaven Can Wait?”

“Warren Beatty?”

“That’s it, thanks! Love you!”

True story. Of course, I’m always happy to hear from my father (however briefly), so it isn’t that I’m annoyed (and I have tons of seemingly useless information in my head — Elaine May co-wrote the screenplay with Mr. Beatty, it’s based on the movie Here Comes Mr. Jordan and not Ernst Lubitsch’s Heaven Can Wait — so it’s always nice to put any of it to use)… maybe I’m jealous? Jealous of any generation whose knee-jerk reaction to a trivia(l) question isn’t to look up the answer on their phone, but to reach out to another human being and interact?

Food for thought.

OMG! Tiger Woods is on the cover today! And he’s at a “rehab center for sex addicts“ wearing a hoodie… what could you use as a headline for such a photo? Hmmmm. Puttfucker? Nah. Cup-Tin Rehab and his Moby Dick? Too literate. Boy, this is hard. I give up, Post. What’s the headline today?

TIGER HOODS

Oh, I see what you did there! And the bottom corner credits the photo to… The National Enquirer. Hey, didn’t the Post recently write a chunky piece on how the Enquirer was a legitimate news source that breaks plenty of big stories? Well, I guess this is what that article cost.

The cover, page 2 and page 3 are all about Mr. Woods. We learn that the rehab clinic he’s at requires its patients to reveal all of their infidelities to their spouses (it’s called “Disclosure Day” and, thankfully, doesn’t require watching that Michael Douglas/Demi Moore movie) and that he won’t partake in group therapy.

Fascinating.

Any actual news today?

The two EMTs who waited for their asiago bagels at Au Bon Pain (while a woman in the back slowly died and they refused to look at her) are back at work today.

Welcome back, Jason Green, 32, and Melissa Jackson, 23!

Oh boy! Another (anonymously credited) list of 5 lessons for Obama to learn from Scott Brown’s victory!

1) Lead Congress, don’t follow it. Fair enough. But please tell Congress that that’s the new paradigm.

2) Come down off the mountain. Ridiculing Scott Brown for his pickup truck makes you sound like an elitist. Oh, fuck you, nameless writer who has never been in a pickup truck.

3) You really can reach across the aisle. Just don’t expect any Republicans to compromise on anything ever (or to have all of your fingers there when you withdraw).

4) Do you think you’re just a little overexposed? The power of the presidency is lost if you’re in the country’s face every 30 seconds. Yeah! Quit ruining the power of the presidency and get off your mountain, Kenyan guy born out of wedlock!

5) Location location location — in the center! That way, no one will like you!

I hate this paper.

For fuck’s sake… three pages of Tiger Woods’ rehab followed by four pages on why Scott Brown is New Jesus?

Wait a minute… this article… it’s unflattering! Oooh! Oooh! Mister Kot-tare!

Girls gag at dad’s gaffe reveals that Ayla Brown, 21 (who was an American Idol finalist in 2006 and has a new album coming out next Tuesday!) and her sister, Arianna, were none-too-pleased with their father’s attempt at wit during his acceptance speech.

“While on stage, Ayla said she kept her eyes on the Teleprompter, but was caught off guard when her father seriously veered off message… ‘And just in case, to anybody whose watching throughout the country, yes, they’re both available.’ In households across America, every woman with a father blushed in sympathy. Brown’s daughters, as well as his wife Gail Huff, a Boston TV reporter, looked ready to crawl under the dais. He momentarily backtracked, saying, ‘Only kidding, only kidding,’ before making matters worse. ‘Arianna’s definitely not available, but Ayla is,’ he crowed.

As embarrassed as Ayla said she was, it was worse for her sister — whose boyfriend was on stage. ‘If you saw my sister, she’s not smiling at all,’ said Brown. ‘He just did it really impromptu.’ Since the cringe-worthy moment that left jaws dropping from Beantown to the Beltway, Ayla said she’s been getting date requests from hundreds of smitten wannabe suitors.”

I just watched the acceptance speech (which, as speeches go, was piss-poor) and both daughters were smiling. Ayla was laughing pretty hard. So the lying apple doesn’t fall far from the lying apple tree that got Gail Huff pregnant twice.

(spit take)

Churley Hurt’s piece today is titled Now GOP must step up to plate with own ideas.

“Winning off-year elections last November and a special election this week when voters are only marginally paying attention is not the same as prevailing in a major general election when everybody turns out. Republicans have gotten this far by saying ‘No’ to Democrats. Clearly, voters are very grateful for that. But now it is time for Republicans to move beyond simple defense. They must go on offense with clear, principled and imaginative ideas for fixing the unprecedented mess that Washington has foisted upon America.”

So now is when Republicans should stop blindly saying ‘no’ and start offering their own practical ideas?

Duly noted.

I bet when Maclaren recalled all those strollers, every parent that owns a Graco stroller felt relief.

Not so fast, Mom and Dad.

More severed baby fingers = recall of 1,500,000 Graco strollers.

Maybe Teresa and I should start Gimpy Gloves — a company that custom-makes gloves for people who have lost parts of their fingers in stroller mishaps. They’d be our customers for life!

Mandrea!

ArrOgance is exposed! proclaims the election of Scott Brown is the beginning of a new American Revolution and Obama is a laughable leper.

“His deep pride is little more than hubris. His stubbornness is arrogance. And his resistance to cries for actual ‘change’ is so fatal, the whispers are starting to seep out of the White House. Obama is now being called ‘radioactive.’”

Andrea Peyser is now being called “an unreadable asshole” and “a condescending ignoramus.” So… it must be true.

But Obama isn’t the only Black person she makes fun of today; she has two more arrows to sling.

GOV & SPOUSE IN CHILLVILLE reveals that “Governor” Paterson and his wife (because of the crack reporting by the Post on Paterson’s recent lunch date that hasn’t been substantiated by any other paper) are having marital problems.

“At Monday’s MLK event, though, Michelle crossed her legs tightly and scrunched as far from her hubby as she could without sliding into the next county.”

You should cross your legs, Mandrea. Your hyperbole is showing.

Tiger’s got something to celibate scoffs, “Tiger Woods is busy attempting to rid himself of the malady of choice for the man with too much of everything — he’s undergoing rehabilitation for sexual addiction in a Southern day spa and no-sex camp.

You’ve got to love a country where a wealthy and overstimulated celebrity attaches a trendy disease to his name, and all is forgiven. Let’s hope for Tiger’s speedy recovery from the nightmare affliction of too many easy women.”

Did I say three Black guys get ridiculed today? I meant four.

Harold Ford Jr., Mandrea argues, has made a grave mistake by claiming to be a Yankees fan (Ford lays a Bronx Bomb). “It’s easy for an elite, pretty-boy Southern transplant like Ford to root for the world-champion team of marquee gods. The ragged Mets are the squad of the outer boroughs, of which Ford has little experience. They can be hard to love. But diehard Met fans would rather eat nails than root for the Yanks. Choose your side carefully, Mr. Ford.”

Peyser has repeatedly identified herself as a diehard Mets fan. But what was it she said on October 1, 2009? Oh, yeah. This:

Yanks have a place in this met fan’s love

“Mets fans like me who’ve suffered severe depression by the awfulness and injuries on our favorite team should take comfort in the good fortune of the Yankees. I’m serious. The Mets enjoy a rabid following heavy with proud, outer-borough types who maintain an ‘anyone but the Yanks’ mentality. But I have to admit the overpaid Bronx movie stars are playing some mighty good ball this year.

Also, the Jeter Squad is no longer hobbled by the whiner Joe Torre, who continued to bash the team through a memoir published after the manager had taken root in Los Angeles. If I can’t have the Mets, and it looks as if the hard-noggined David Wright & Co., have a long way to go, then it’s only fitting that I root for guys who call New York home.

Go Yanks. Seriously.”

Which means that she also eats nails. And is a fairweather harpy.

But lest you think she only criticizes Black people, she takes yet another shot at Conan O’Brien (Conan is weeping — all the way to the bank).

“Multimillionaire Conan O’Brien is poised to get $32.5 million richer by walking away from The Tonight Show.

After weeks of his unseemly on-air grousing about his maltreatment by NBC, the brass is ready to pay up to make him stop. The network also wants to award severance to his staff, which is generous when you consider that their futures grew uncertain only after Conan chose to quit in a snit rather than move to 12:05 a.m.”

1) He also negotiated $12,000,000 for his staff, plus some other compensation he’s giving them out of the $32,500,000 NBC is giving him.

2) Is Jay Leno’s on-air grousing also unseemly? Because he’s been doing the exact stuff, except less amusingly.

3) Conan was promised (and, for 7 months, given) The Tonight Show, not his old job back.

“If another host gets his show canceled, he says bye-bye, and shuts it. If you or I quit a job, we get bupkis. But as he continues to pout, Conan gets richer. Plus, he wins the undying loyalty of his fans. Enough.”

You mean like Jay Leno? His Tonight Show got cancelled, then he was given a chance to destroy NBC and he took it (and did) and then he got fired from that job, too. Did he say bye-bye and shut it? Will you? Please?

“You can stop feeling sorry for him now.”

Can I continue feeling sorry for your husband, Mandrea?

Take. The stairs. Hastily.

Sean Combs is throwing a “Prince of New York” 16th birthday party for his son, which will be filmed and later aired as an episode of MTV’s My Super Sweet 16.

“Diddy will perform with his band, Diddy-Dirty Money.”

I wish my father had a ridiculously-named band that he fronted and that he sang for all my friends on my 16th birthday.

(Especially since the only song I’ve ever heard my father sing in the 35 years I’ve known him is the first verse of “Volare”)

Vincent Morgan is the guy I look forward to supporting when he runs against Charlie Rangel. Vincent Morgan’s cousin is Harold Ford Jr.

Harold Ford Jr. is endorsing Rangel.

I’m liking Ford less every day.

According to Page Six (today on page 26!), Amy “Long Island Lolita” Fisher is donating a portion of the money she’s making tonight, Friday and Saturday to the relief effort in Haiti.

And what is she doing? Why, stripping, of course! If you hate yourself and/or your eyes, swing by Scene Restaurant & Lounge in Commack!

Ozzy Osbourne will be “signing” “his” new “book” on Monday at Barnes & Noble (46th Street and 5th Avenue).

I hope his awful family is with him!

Cindy Adams on Brendan Fraser: “friends call him a master salad-maker.”

She also reports that Haiti had a 6.1 aftershock yesterday (the paper she writes for called in 5.9 in their gigantic headline earlier in this paper).

Box.

Today’s NYPD DAILY BLOTTER has a sketch of a suspect who allegedly “robbed and tried to sexually assault a 13-year-old girl” on a 3 train Sunday morning in Brooklyn. There’s also a sketch of a man police suspect “tried to get an 11-year-old girl to enter his parked van in Claremont.”

Except for their noses and one guy’s pencil-thin mustache, the sketches are identical. The same artist did both.

And both suspects are drawn wearing the same Yankees hat.

Remember the Salahis? They testified before a House committee yesterday — and took the Fifth.

Bravo.

The New York Times will start charging a monthly fee for people (who aren’t subscribers to the print version) to read complete articles online.

I’m really going to miss The New York Times.

In a related story, YouTube is testing “a limited video rental service” this week. Five films from the 2009 and 2010 Sundance festivals wil be made available through January 31st.

They haven’t mentioned a price yet, but I think that a $1 fee would get them roughly $20,000,000 in a week’s time.

But what do I know?

Really PULSE section? A(nother) 3-page article to throw on the Just Who Is This Lady Gaga Person We’ve Been Writing So Many Biographical Articles About Over The Last Year? pile? Thanks.

Bonus points: Dan Aquilante’s review of Lady Gaga’s Radio City Music Hall concert last night is titled Radio (City) Gaga.

That guy should be a writer for a living.

Not a great day to be a Yankee fan.

Earlier I found out about a guy who mugged three people but was caught because he was head-to-toe dressed in Yankees gear (and therefore, easily recognizable). Then there were the two guys who have different noses and prey on children. Now comes Robert Gamere, 71. He did the Yankees’ play-by-play for WHN Radio in 1970. He was just sentenced to five years in prison for downloading and distributing child pornography on the Internet.

A-Rod seems dreamy by comparison.

Guess who’s 3-38.

Go on. Guess.

Larry David will appear as a guest judge for NBC and Jerry Seinfeld’s horrible idea, The Marriage Ref.

Even worse? So will Tina Fey.

Two of my favorites… do I watch? Can I watch?

Charlie Sheen’s wife was rushed to intensive care last night with a mouth infection (due to impacted wisdom teeth), postponing their domestic violence hearing.

The mouth infection will next be seen at 7:00 p.m., and then again at 11:00 p.m., on Channel 11 (with Duckie!).

Tomorrow night is Teresa’s birthday party and, in celebration, Conan O’Brien will air his last (Tonight) show.

Maybe I should get drunk today so that I have a higher tolerance tomorrow… Dog Court would dig being coached by drunk Jed, methinks. I’m already belligerent and hit on everyone…

Tomorrow is Friday! And then comes weekend! Stay warmies!

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