Dear Parade Magazine,

Please settle a bet for me. My friend says that there was a time in this country when people were ashamed of ignorance and tried to better themselves intellectually, if for no other reason than their own peace of mind. I, on the other hand, watch Jersey Shore. There’s a dinner riding on this!

Sincerely,

Jed Resnik

P.S. — Are you really Parade Magazine?

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It’s m’wife’s birthday today. I went to get her something yesterday and sliced open my pinky. I wrapped a napkin around it (it didn’t look or feel deep) and squeezed it (which I assumed was the thing to do). I walked to the subway and noticed that the napkin had an almost Grateful Dead-ian design to it. The outer rings were maroon and burgundy and the closer to the wound you got, the more neon magenta the stain, until the point of origin’s hot pink.

But today it’s a teeny mark, nothing scary or pity-deserving.

Come celebrate Teresa’s birthday with us tonight and see why I injured myself.

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Stanley Tucci? Outstanding in The Lovely Bones. Truly a revelatory performance. If not for Christoph Waltz, he’d have a really good shot at Best Supporting Actor.

Still not worth sitting through that painfully awful Afterschool Special of a movie.

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Today’s paper comes with a 20 PAGE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME PULLOUT (pages 55-74). Page 61 is a full-page ad from Nathan’s.

HEY REX, WIN AND YOU’RE IN!

BEAT INDY, AND WE’LL RESERVE YOU A SEAT IN THE 2010 NATHAN’S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST

GO JETS!

Really, Nathan’s? You want to encourage Rex Ryan to eat more?

(shakes head, eats french fries with a tiny pitchfork)

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Besides Rex Ryan’s ham face, the front page features a fairly amusing story (AD AS HELL!) about how YaVaughnie Wilkins responded to Oracle President Charles E. Phillips’ decision to go back to his wife (YaVaughnie was Charles’ mistress for 8 1/2 years).

First, there’s this: charlesphillipsandyavaughniewilkins.com. A lot of the sections are “currently unavailable” but there’s still some horrible karaoke and candid photos.

Then there are the billboards. Three in New York City (including one in Times Square), on in Atlanta and one in San Francisco (estimated total cost: $250,000). All of YaVaughnie (I love typing that name) and Charles smiling beneath the quote: “You are my soulmate forever – cep”

Hell hath no fury like a woman with loads of disposable income scorned.

Also, the first sentence on the front page begins, “The mistress of a high-powered Obama adviser…” and Obama’s name is mentioned three more times in the article.

I like how Newt Gingrich sent his hospitalized wife divorce papers by fax. It has no bearing on this story, but it’s worth mentioning. Again. And again and again.

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Page 3 is all about (double-phallic name alert!) Woody Johnson and his grief (‘There’s no way to bring back’ my Casey).

In a surprise display of tact, at no point is Tila Tequila mentioned, nor are the words “celebutard,” “junkie,” “train wreck” or “spoiled crazy lady” used to describe Woody’s late daughter.

Baby steps, Post.

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That reminds me: Thise two EMT folks that “let” that Au Bon Pain employee die?

They were dispatchers, not EMTs. They had no equipment or technically expertise. By law, they were prohibited from discussing the case (which made it easy for a shitty newspaper to vilify them for eating bagels while a woman died on their watch).

(More) Shame on the Post.

(thanks for the inside info, Jim)

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A-fireman-tive action.

A Brooklyn federal judge is trying to make 20% of FDNY new hires Hispanic and 40% Black (until 293 total new hires are made). Also, if you are a minority who took the FDNY exam but weren’t hired, you might be getting some of my tax dollars as compensation.

It’s a helluva town.

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Well it isn’t the right Pedro Espada, but it’s a start.

Andrew Cuomo has served Pedro G. Espada (and two co-workers) with a subpoena.

Maybe Pedro G. will turn against his über-douchebag father? That’d be nice.

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Truth be told, I freaked out the first time I saw someone do this on a plane, too.

A Chautauqua Airlines (U.S. Airways) flight from JFK to Louisville, Kentucky was in the air when one of the passengers started to put on tefillin.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with all things Jewish Orthodox, tefillin are two small boxes (with scrolls inside) and leather straps that are wrapped around the (male) wearer’s arms and head (during prayer).

A flight attendant (not a passenger!) saw Caleb Leibowitz, 17, (who was flying with his 16-year-old sister) start his prayers and freaked out. She “didn’t understand his explanation, so she alerted the pilot to describe what she had seen.”

The flight landed in Philadelphia. It took off again an hour later. The airline blames Leibowitz for not providing “a clear response” to their employee’s panicked questions.

Teresa, cross U.S. Airways off the list.

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Another article on that “EMT duo.”

They’ve been confined to desk jobs now (which I believe is where dispatchers always sit, no?). And the victim’s family is “upset.”

Prolly because the Post is manufacturing a sordid tale at the expense of their dead relative.

(Even yet still) More shame on you, Post.

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I’M THE POP, SAYS THE WEASEL is Churley Hurt’s evisceration of John Edwards. Did I say John? I meant Elizabeth.

It begins, “A normal, compassionate human exposed for the first time to the debauchery that remains of John Edwards‘ dishonest life and career could be forgiven for feeling a little sorry for the pathetic cad. The world now knows just what a self-absorbed lunatic he is married to.”

Elizabeth isn’t mentioned again in the piece (the rest hates on John), but still.

Nice work, Churley.

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A waiter at The Algonquin hotel stabbed a sous chef and a host with a butter knife (they were arguing about the radio).

When asked for a comment, Dorothy Parker quipped, “Life is a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong, and what kind of retard stabs people with a butter knife? What a maroon!”

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According to Page Six (today on page 16), Mischa Barton can’t pay her rent, Jay Leno is going on Oprah to whine about what a bum rap he gets, Donald Trump “might” think Lady Gaga is the “world’s greatest entertainer,” there’s a XXX Jersey Shore parody (out next month!), and Annette Bening and Julianne Moore will make out in their next movie (Fun fact: In real life, Bening claims to be 53; Moore claims to be 50).

Thanks, Page Six!

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What’s up, Cindy Adams?

“Chris Tucker lunched with three friends in [Washington D.C.'s] W Hotel.”

Box.

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Mrs. Tiger Woods… is considering not divorcing him?

Buh?

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Courtney Leigh Ames, 19, is perhaps the stupidest person in the world.

Exhibit A: She and her pals are (allegedly) behind the celebrity burglary ring that hit L.A. last year (they called themselves “the Bling Ring”).

Exhibit B: She went to her arraignment wearing one of the necklaces she stole from Lindsay Lohan, and thus found herself hit with additional charges. Her attorney claims it was a gift from one of the co-stupid-defendants.

Exhibit C: She didn’t get a TV show out of this… yet.

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I just realized that there isn’t anything about the Supreme Court’s recent decision to allow corporations to buy politicians. Huh.

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There is, however, Jonah Goldberg’s delightful Obama’s Kool-Aid, which (in its first sentence!) accuses the POTUS (and everyone else in “the White House bunker”) of “denial, arrogance and self-pity.”

Why? Because they haven’t accepted Scott Brown’s ascendence as proof that they’re wrong about everything (the nerve!).

And Bill O’Reilly warns that Obama is becoming another Jimmy Carter (the Right haaaaaate Jimmy Carter!).

I hate this paper with a fiery passion.

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Air America declared bankruptcy, ceased all broacasts.

Expect lots of fat White guys to laugh about this today on the radio.

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Citigroup has fallen to $3.27/share.

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MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick: Extraordinary Measures — two stars (“Good intentions don’t make Harrison Ford’s bitter pill go down any easier”), and Tooth Fairy — one star (“As much fun as a root canal.”).

Kyle Smith: Creation — two stars (“Survival of the flattest.”).

V.A. Musetto: The Girl on the Train — three stars (it has nudity and sex — though no Asians — and he describes the titular [heh] star as “smoldering”).

Pete Hammond: “The Book of Eli gets 2010 off to a spectacularly exciting start.”

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The Nets have a “game” tonight.

They are currently 3-38.

Good news, though — never before in NBA history has a team had three double-digit losing streaks in one season.

This season they’ve already had a 10-game losing streak and an 18-game losing streak. If they lost tonight, that would be another 10-game losing streak.

Fun fact: Worst record in NBA history? 9-73.

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Dave Letterman vs. Jay Leno!

Dave: “Last night on the Jay Leno 10:00 p.m. NBC variety show, Jay Leno said that this NBC Tonight Show mess is not his fault… and I said, ‘I know. I know it’s not his fault. But [isn't it] funny that he always turns up at the scene of the crime?’”

Jay: “Boy, remember the more innocent days of late night TV, when the only thing people cared about was what intern the host was nailing? What happened to those days?”

Dave: “Five years ago when NBC said to Jay, ‘You know that Conan is going to take over your job in five years,’ that’s when you say, ‘Okay fine, no hard feelings.’ You call ABC, you call Fox, you try to get my job, you leave, you don’t go, ‘Okay, I’ll be in the lobby if you need me!’”

Jay: “Letterman has been hammering me every night. You know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him.”

Hilarious.

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Happy birthday, Teresa.

Tonight… we get our drank on.

Happy weekend, ever’buddy!