Archive for January 25th, 2010

So. Many. Levels.

25th January
2010
written by jed

Had the Jets won yesterday, an obese and beaming (obeming?) Rex Ryan would have greeted me this morning. But they didn’t, so he didn’t. Instead, there’s a great cover story whose headline (JOLTS!) works on a number of levels.

1) Jets + Colts = Jolts

2) It’s a noun and a verb (as are some of its many definitions — shock, jerk, move, jar)

3) The Colts “jolted” the Jets with their superior footballsmanship

4) Indianapolis police Tasered Patrick Malloy, 26, of Freehold, New Jersey before the game started, just outside Lucas Oil Stadium

That last one is illustrated by a full-cover photo and I do not envy criminals in Indianapolis. Not that Malloy was doing anything (according to Malloy and his father who was with him), though the police claim he threw beer at Colts fans. Bad enough he’s a Jets fan, but to also get Tasered, miss the game you travelled with your dad to see and spend eight hours in jail (and pay a $150 fine)?

Poor Patrick Malloy.

At what point does negligence become criminal?

Four years ago, the Port Authority purchased a $90,000,000 security system designed to prevent evildoers from accessing the runways of our major airports. The PA said it would be fully functional by last spring.

“The system… has left the PA with 57 miles of expensive wire barriers that barely provide the protection of basic fencing. Also collecting dust are the project’s unmanned monitoring stations, which are filled with TV screens and other equipment.”

“‘Right now, the system is basically dead in the water,’ one source said. ‘And [it] may never work, at least not correctly.’”

Feeling safer? Me neither.

Brangelina… divorcing?

But… but… who will get custody of the Rainbow Coalition?

(I was going to call them “the Li’l U.N.” but I ultimately preferred the nod to Jesse Jackson)

State Senator Hiram Monserrate lashed out yesterday against the “political bosses” that are currently trying to “illegally” strip him of his seat.

Someone please drag that fucker out of his seat. By his hair, preferably.

Praise for the “tea-party revolutionaries,” disdain for Obama.

Is it Monday already?

Tiger Woods’ wife visited him in sex rehab!

Is there a reconciliation on the horizon? And what size check will Tiger have to make out to her for that to happen?

(My guess: $150,000,000)

In a recent statement, Osama bin Laden took credit for Jim Carrey-on. And Haiti. And Jay getting The Tonight Show back.

Expect Avatar to unseat Titanic as the highest-grossing movie (that I will never sit through) sometime this afternoon.

HA! There’s this political cartoon today where Obama is calling his wife and asking, “MICHELLE, WOULD YOU AT LEAST BE WILLING TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT IT WAS BUSH’S FAULT I FORGOT TO FEED THE DOG?”

It’s true! That colored guy blames everything on that poor retarded fella!

The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette is lucky to have you, Deering.

And what did P. Diddy get his son for his 16th birthday? A $360,000 Maybach.

And it comes with a driver.

And he gave his son a $10,000 check to give to charity.

In a related story, I got kind of excited yesterday when I found a dime in the street.

Maybe they aren’t as stupid as I thought…

The cast of Jersey Shore (some of whom were at the Sweet 16 party that P. Diddy just threw!) turned down roles in a new independent movie, claiming they were just too busy. The movie stars Armand Assante and Ice-T.. and Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo.

The producers of the recent Haiti telethon were “horrified” by Conan O’Brien’s wasteful spending on The Tonight Show.

Um… guys? He didn’t actually pay $1,500,000 for the Bugatti. It was (how you say?) a joke. B’also? NBC wasn’t going to give you that money anyway. They’d just spend it on a TV show that they’d cancel a few months later anyway.

Gary Coleman has been arrested for “domestic violence” but sources aren’t sure if the victim is his wife (who he appeared with on a very special double-episode of Divorce Court and I wish I was kidding).

His mug shot is one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

gary coleman

Sorry. Wrong photo. Here we go.

gary coleman domestic violence mug shot

Mr. Drummond could not be reached for comment.

Mandrea!

She hates on John Edwards (“sleazy snake-oil salesman”), Tiger Woods and anyone else that claims to have any sexual addiction problems (“Tiger Woods is in a Mississippi chastity camp where perverts meet to beat a habit that many a man would pay extra to be afflicted with.” — I can certainly see Mandrea’s husband wishing he could sleep with anyone besides his grotesque wife), Obama (“It’s time to hope a little less — and listen a little more.”), Leiter, Blair and Napolitano (“More than eight years after 9/11, there is not one adult present to protect us.” — how many of those years was Obama president again?), and “ditz” YaVaughnie Wilkins (“True love! It’s blind, dumb and demented.”).

Stairs.

The Menifee Union School District in Southern California (80 miles southeast of Los Angeles) has banned a book from its classrooms because “a number of referenced words are age-inappropriate.”

The book? The dictionary.

A parent complained that her child found “oral sex” in the dictionary.

(furiously waves miniature American flag)

In a related story, Texas just voted to remove all “liberal bias” from their textbooks.

“The board has spent numerous hours hearing from members of the community on subjects such as whether labor activist Chavez and Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall deserve space in history textbooks alongside founding fathers like Benjamin Franklin.

Also at issue is whether Christianity deserves more classroom time in the Lone Star State, and whether Abraham Lincoln deserves so much.

Last week, the board voted 7-6 to make some changes, so that the state standards will mandate that lessons include the causes and key organizations and individuals of the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including anti-feminism advocate Schlafly, the Contract with America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association.

It wasn’t clear which grades would be affected. In a written statement, the measure’s sponsor, board member Don McLeroy, explained why he believes the current textbooks are unacceptable and needed revising.

‘These standards are rife with leftist political periods and events: the populists, the progressives, the New Deal and the Great Society,’ McLeroy wrote. ‘Including material about the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s provides some political balance to the document.’

McLeroy also succeeded in making changes to how Sen. Joseph McCarthy will be taught, painting the man – whose use of Congress to investigate alleged communist behavior in the 1950s has been widely repudiated – in a more favorable light.”

Secede. Please.

Every letter sent in today is about how Obama blames Bush for everything.

“My son has had a horrible cold for a few weeks now, and I finally realized where the blame lies: Bush, of course. Democrats seem to blame him for everything else so why not the common cold?” asks mentally unstable Leanne Collins of Staten Island.

“We also teach our children to take responsibility for their actions and that there is a price to pay tomorrow, good or bad, for what they do today. Obama, are you listening?” asks Mark Reger of Westborough, Massachusetts (his full letter is much longer and boring-er).

Well played, Leanne. Well played, Mark.

Stairs.

Wal-Mart just laid off 10% of their Sam’s Club workforce.

That’s 11,200 jobs.

Stop. Shopping. At Wal-Mart.

The Knicks lost by 50 points last night to Dallas.

Still, they’ve won 17 games thus far. That’s 14 more than the Nets.

WWHC?

(What Will Hulu Cost?)

$5.00 a month.

What a great idea.

Take a bow, Michael Lynche’s unnmaed father.

He told his local paper that his son made it to this season’s Top 24 on American Idol. So his son got kicked off the show.

Poor Michael Lynche.


Time to get stuff done, kids. See you on the flipside tomorry.


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