“A rival, powerhouse medical group has proposed taking over and shuttering the 160-year-old St. Vincent’s Hospital in Greenwich Village — spelling the end of the city’s only remaining Catholic medical facility, The Post has learned.”

Thanks, Continuum Health Partners (they operate the Beth Israel, St. Luke’s and Roosevelt hospitals in Manhattan — and just sent me a letter telling me that certain hospitals are no longer affiliated with my [Oxford] health insurance)!

I wish someone would force everyone to buy health insurance, but not give us a public option or insist that people with pre-existing conditions get coverage.

---

Also on the cover is Andy Samberg, representing New York’s hottest bachelors.

And on the back cover? Rex Ryan, shot from the side (*hrlp*) with the headline ‘BIGGEST SHOW IN TOWN’ and the credited-to-Ryan quote that the Jets need “to come back hungrier than ever.”

I was about to cook breakfast, but I know I won’t be able to keep anything down for a while.

If you pushed Rex Ryan onto his back, I imagine he would be like a backwards turtle — unable to flip back over,  with his round shell-like belly (shelly?) weighing him down.

---

Mayor Bloomberg says that, if NYC loses $1,300,000,000 in state aid, “the consequences would be appalling.”

That’s a lot of money! Bloomberg could fund a dozen re-election campaigns for that dough!

(Seriously, Mike, if it’s so doomsday-y then just cut NYC a check. Or tax soda. Or legalize marijuana. Or shut up.)

---

Remember when I said Avatar would unseat Titanic for the all-time box office record? And that it would happen yesterday?

Well, it did. After being in theaters for just 6 weeks.

I still have little to no desire to see it.

---

Keith Richards hasn’t had a drink in 4 months.

But the residual cocaine, LSD, paint thinner and hash in his system still make him wobbly and incoherent.

---

Nancy Kerrigan’s father has been murdered (either choked to death or a heart attack caused by the choking) and the man who has been charged is her brother, Mark, 45. Mark told police he and his father were arguing about the telephone when he grabbed his father’s throat.

A rep for Tonya Harding told reporters, “Tonya feels very sad for Nancy and her family and extends her deepest sympathy and condolences to them. Tonya’s beloved dad, Al Harding, passed away this past April, so she understands the grief Nancy and her family are feeling at this difficult time.”

Yeah. Their experiences are almost identical. How (em)pathetic, Tonya (and her rep).

---

Three years ago, George Hotz hacked an iPhone.

The New Jersey resident now claims that, after five weeks of work, he has hacked an “unhackable” Sony PlayStation 3.

He is so going to get caught.

---

Teresa and I both had fatal umbrella incidents yesterday. It was mad windy, yo.

Flowers should totes be sent to Totes. And Nautica.

---

Obama has announced that he will ask Congress for a three-year spending freeze (that will start in 2011).

No public option, no closing of Guantanamo, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is still in effect… What other ideas that America voted against in the election will Obama co-opt next?

---

A lady lost her balance and ripped a hole in the Picasso painting called “The Actor.”

The damage is estimated at $65,000,000 (half the original value).

Nice job, clumsy lady.

---

JetBlue just made the list.

Karin Keegan was a flight attendant for Delta Air Lines when she tried to get on a JetBlue flight from Pittsburgh to JFK. Flight attendants are generally allowed to fly on competitors planes for free, thanks to an exchange program they airlines have set up. But Karin was told by Oliver Angus (a JetBlue gate attendant) that her clothes were too “frumpy” and he wouldn’t let her onboard.

“He wanted her to change to a lower-cut shirt and tighter pants and to wear more makeup before he’d let her on the plane,” claims Keegan’s attorney. Keegan complied with Angus’ demands (!) but when she tried again to board the plane, “Angus told her that it was too late, that she should have dressed like that before.”

JetBlue says the incident isn’t sexual harassment because it was “allegedly only that one occasion.”

Feeling safer? Me, too.

---

Great political cartoon of Nancy Kerrigan (complete with exaggerated horse-teeth and ice skates) weeping as her father is wheeled out on a stretcher and a cop telling her, “THE EVIDENCE POINTS TO YOUR BROTHER, MS. KERRIGAN, BUT WE’LL QUESTION TONYA HARDING JUST TO BE SAFE…”

Did I say “political”? I meant “unfunny, tasteless and poorly illustrated.”

---

Details about Andy Dick’s recent arrest — he “grabb[ed] a bouncer’s crotch.”

His three children must be so proud.

---

MTV has begun casting for Jersey Shore. Which means that, as I predicted, MTV doesn’t feel like paying the original cast $10,000 for next season (let alone per episode).

14:57… 14:58… 14:59…

---

Dennis Hopper’s wife (for the time being) is blaming her impending divorce on the fact that one of Hopper’s kids (Marin, 47) is greedy and is manipulating her poppa into leaving her a bigger inheritance.

Who’s gonna play Dennis Hopper in the inevitable Lifetime Movie?

---

“I love my country so much, man… like an exasperating friend.”

So said Mike Doughty, and so say I upon reading the newest Harris Poll on the country’s most popular TV celebrities.

#1 is Oprah Winfrey. #2 is Glenn Beck. #3 is Jay Leno.

Then it goes Ellen DeGeneres, Hugh Laurie (hilarious when you consider that most of the people in this country only know him from House and the Stuart Little movies), Jon Stewart, Charlie Sheen (how does Harris know we aren’t watching Two and a Half Men to see Jon Cryer or the fat kid?), Mark Harmon, David Letterman and Bill O’Reilly.

These results are from a poll taken online by 2,276 “adults.”

---

“Ex-NBA star Jayson Williams is wearing an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet while he awaits sentencing for accidentally shooting a limousine driver.”

$20 says it goes off before he’s sentenced.

---

Attention, the disabled and also cab drivers: I have a way for you to become very wealthy in the near future and destroy the MTA in the process.

The MTA is going to start enforcing their rule that “some paratransit riders are technically allowed to be picked up only in extreme cold or heat.” But fret not! Instead of being allowed to ride on the bus, you’ll be given a special credit card that you’ll use for a taxicab. You’ll only be charged $2.25; the MTA will foot the remainder of the bill.

Here’s my plan: A cabbie is dropping someone off. The person pays cash. The cabbie sees a differently-abled gent wheelchairing down the street. Once the fare has been paid and the passenger has exited, the cabbie asks the seated-but-moving fellow for his new MTA card. He runs it through and charges the $14 ride he was just paid for, to the credit card. Then he pays the owner of the card $5 (over double what the guy’ll be charged on the card) and the MTA will send the cabbie (or his company, more likely) a check for $11.50 (plus tip?). Assuming the actual customer tipped $2, That would mean that the cabbie turns a $14 fare into a $22.50 haul (including his tip and the payoff to the cripple).

Best places to do this? The airport, Grand Central Terminal, Penn Station.

Good luck – and you’re welcome!

---

Interesting tidbit tucked away at the bottom of BUSINESS BRIEFS:

“US brokerages must record employees’ business-related Web postings on online sites such as Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn to ensure brokers don’t skirt internal controls when enticing investors, industry watchdog the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (Finra) wrote in an advisory notice.”

That means that if I want to keep in touch with all of my friends who are also US brokerages, I’m going to have to wade through a lot of status updates about their Web postings.

(clicks Hide)

---

Ticketmaster and Live Nation can merge? That’s not a monopoly?

Wow.

Incidentally, everyone who just read that owes me a $3.28 service fee.

---

Jim Thome is no longer on the Chicago White Sox.

I wonder if he’s interested in playing left field…

---

Brett Favre says that his return next year is “highly unlikely.”

Then he retired.

Then he unretired.

Then he went bowling.

Then he retired again.

He is expected to unretire this afternoon and again tomorrow morning.

---

OK. Here’s the bit that justifies your readership (for today, at least).

Kirstie Alley and Joy Behar are having a very disturbing (though disappointingly one-sided) fight on the Twittersphere.

Kirstie Twatted, “And WHY has Joy Behar turned into such a selfrighteous c—head? OOOOooo that’s right… FOREVER!” (there are too many c— words for me to accurately guess what she actually wrote) I think Kirstie meant “Since when did Joy…” but it’s really hard to proofread 140 characters.

Shortly thereafter, Kirstie Twatted, “CHEATING is between a husband and wife. Not TMZ and Joy Bewhore … God, I want to bash her in the vagina with her microphone.”

Kirstie got complaints from her “followers” and responded that Behar “already WENT after me several times,” ad that “she trashes some celeb every night on her HLN show and every day on the view.”

Joy’s reply? “Kirstie Alley calls me Joy Bewhore. Compliments! Compliments!”

You may remember Kirstie Alley from such hits as Cheers and the Look Who’s Talking franchise. I personally remember her from that Oprah appearance where she wore a bikini. My eyes still burn from the bleach I poured on them.

---

And there you have it.

I’m going to try and finish reading my friend’s script today. Hold my calls.