Months after telling folks they’d have to pay $5 a week (or $260 a year) to read Newsday online, they have thirty-five (35) subscribers.

I get more than that every day!

That means that I’m better than Newsday! Which is kind of like placing the bar on the floor, sure, but it’s still a nice ego-stroke as I sip my coffee.

“But, Jed, your blog is free so you can’t really compare…”

“Shut up.”

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Am I the only person who cried during the Jersey Shore reunion?

If so, is it because I was the only person punching himself in the nards for watching it?

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Natavia Lowery killed Linda Stein. She denies it, but she did it. It’s been established (by her own admission) that Lowery stole $30,000 from Stein (during the few months she worked for her) and the logistics all point the finger squarely at Lowery. Now come the surveillance tapes (RED-HANDED).

Oopsy! Someone forgot that all those fancy buildings on the Upper East Side have surveillance cameras in the lobby. Might someone change her plea?

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Community Board 1 voted unanimously to NOT have the 9/11 trial in lower Manhattan.

I hope they take comfort in the fact that this is amusing al Qaeda to no end.

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Mike Bloomberg says he has “no plans” to run for Presdent in 2012.

I wonder if he actually said “I have/know plans to run for President in 2012.”

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Bill Gates was at Sundance? And he danced at a party?

Page 3 of today’s Post, ladies and gentlemen. All of page 3 (MICROSOFT-SHOE).

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Interseting layout for pages 4 and 5.

The 2-page banner headline is O KNOWS IT’S THE STUPID ECONOMY. Maggie Haberman’s accompanying article is informative and non-partisan, which I find confusing and disquieting.

Churlie Hurt’s Five talking pointers for clueless prez is more traditionally Post-y. His pointers? “1. Take the voodoo out of your economics.” And, presumably, the bone out of your nose. “2. Since you appear to suddenly care about the deep economic maw into which our deficits are dragging us, you must do so much more than ‘freeze’ a small portion of federal spending.” Since you appear to continue being a disingenuous asshole, you must stop pretending that the freeze covers only “a small portion” or that Obama hasn’t ever cared about the economic shambles that the retarded cowboy left him. “3. Renew your vows to change the way Washington works.” First he’s naive to think he can change the system; now he’s a liar for not doing it fast enough. Awesome. “4. Send a timber-quaking message to America’s enemies.” Because there is so much timber in the deserts of the Middle East and the caves of Afghanistan. You’re a moron, Churlie. “5. When you arrive at Congress and after you have made your way down the center aisle of the chamber, but before you open your mouth, dismount from your high horse. Please do not give us one of your law-school lectures.” Because Amurrica hates an uppity Negro.

Also covered by the “STUPID ECONOMY” banner is the arrest of James O’Keefe. You may remember him as the guy who pretended he was a pimp and helped ACORN lose its funding. He’s described by the Post (in the first sentence!) as “a hero of conservatives.” He was caught, along with three other criminals, tring to bug Sen. Mary Landrieu’s phone.

“The truth shall set me free,” he told reporters after being released on $10,000 bail. Then he said, “veritas.” Which sounds a lot like law-school elitism.

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Anderson Cooper is moving into the Fire Patrol 2 building on West Third Street. He’s having the old firehouse (the fire patrol was disbanded in 2006) made into a 4-story home. But he’s keeping the poles.

Is there anyone left who doubts his homosexuality?

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Goodwin!

Khalid’s NY trial: Stop the insanity! insists (yet still again) that holding the 9/11 at the scene of the crime will unnecessarily endanger New Yorkers. Michael Goodwin, you are an old coward. NBA NITWIT’S FREE ‘SHOT’ laments that Javaris Crittenton was sentenced to probation, a $1,250 fine and community service through the NBA’s Haiti project. See, Mikey is mad that Javaris is being forced to do what others do out of kindness. But today’s best piece is Meet dumb and dumber, which begins “Now you know why we first have to kill the lawyers. It’s to keep them from saying stupid things.”

And that’s why we have to first kill Michael Goodwin. And Andrea Peyser. And Churlie Hurt. And Kyle Smith.

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CBS Films is sad that Extraordinary Measures (father Brendan Fraser needs grumpy Harrison Ford to help him cure a disease — it’s Lorenzo’s Oil 2: The Rise of What Used To Be Indiana Jones) tanked at the box office (opening weekend: $6,012,594; production budget: $31,000,000), but they’re still excited about their next three releases: The Back-Up Plan (starring J. Lo!), the teen drama Beastly (starring Vanessa Hudgens, who I think was in High School Musical!) and Faster (starring Dwayne “The Rock and also The Tooth Fairy” Johnson!). However, sources say they’ll be cutting their marketing budgets in half.

They make horrible TV shows; why are people surprised that their movies are equally meh?

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Oh no she dih-ih! Snooki (from Jersey Shore, natch) was eating at Shrine at Foxwoods (eating at a nightclub in a casino = classy) when she was informed that Jerry Springer was at a nearby table and wanted to say hello. Her manager and her father were both opposed to the meeting. She said that she was “way classier” than Springer and declined the meeting.

I’d say, as far as classiness goes, they’re tied.

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Page Six (today on page 11) has a photo of Gary Coleman being wheeled (in a wheelchair) out of a Utah jail. The cop pushing him is laughing. Coleman isn’t.

Mr. Drummond and Mrs. Garrett declined my offer to comment. So did Pearl. And Adelaide.

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Cindy Adams tells us about the Bold and Fresh Tour (Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck are touring the country to sell more books and spread more ignorance). The cheapest tickets are $71.50 (the priciest are $126.50).

“Beck kneeled down to say about the Massachusetts Senate victory: ‘Thank you, Jesus.’ O’Reilly never stopped saying and saying. Like on China buying US bonds: ‘What else can they invest in? They got enough restaurants.’”

1) Beck is a Mormon.

2) O’Reilly is a racist.

3) Cindy Adams is overdue.

B’also? Teresa’s Facebook friends (who don’t hide her feed) saw the photo she posted of Andrew McCarthy riding the train this morning with his two bratty kids. Cindy interviews him about them. “I have a boy of 7 and a girl of 3. Work is the easy part, raising them is what’s hard… Now kids have schedules. They’re so overcared for… Parenting is a full-time job.”

Then he talks about the movie he’s currently writing, producing and directing.

Some full-time job.

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The MTA said their anti-terror initiative would cost $531,000,000.

To date, they have spent $833,000,000.

Now they say they don’t have enough money to finish it.

I say again, the MTA is staffed by war criminals. Try them in court or at a military tribunal (but don’t do it in NYC or Mikey Goodwin will cry!).

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Regina Owens, 30, is today’s Parent of the Year of the Day (with apologies to The Daily Show’s Trial of the Century of the Year). Her 3-year-old soiled himself, so she stripped him and put him (and held him) in a bathtub filled with scalding-hot water. He suffered second-degree burns to his “legs, buttocks and genitals.”

Owens faces up to 25 years in prison. Next time, Regina? Beat him to death with a hairbrush. Much lighter sentence.

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More video surveillance oopsies!

Michael Mineo claims that police sodomized him in a subway station when they arrested him in October of 2008. But video shows him “walking normally, showing no signs of pain, just moments after the incident.”

Oopsies!

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Both prostitutes (sorry, strippers) in the he said/they said trial (the undercover cop said they offered him a threeway, they said they didn’t) have been cleared of all charges. Said “porn star and vindicated accused hooker Alexia Moore,” “[I'm going to start] a new chapter, a new beginning — a normal job… Anything to do with animals.”

[insert bestiality joke... here]

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Why Jed isn’t a Christian reason #6139:

According to a new book, “Pope John Paul II whipped himself with a belt, even on vacation, and slept on the floor as acts of penitence and to bring him closer to Christian perfection.”

It’s what God would have wanted.

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Hans Kurt Kubus was sentenced to 14 months in jail for trying to leave New Zealand with 44 geckos sewn into his underwear.

On the plus side, he saved $300 on his car insurance.

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The editorial Come clean, Mr. Holder begins, “Whose side is the Justice Department on: America’s or the terrorists’?”

When the topic sentence is that stupid, I stop reading.

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Michelle Malkin (where’s she been?) offers ‘FREEZE’ FOOLERY which concludes, “There will be no hands reaching across the aisle. [Obama's] too busy using them to point fingers at everyone else for his own political meltdown.”

It amazes me that people can accuse Obama of not “reaching across the aisle” enough over the last year. If the Republicans (or as my friend Jason calls them, the Republican’ts) weren’t so busy defecating in the aisle, then maybe people would reach across it.

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Verizon is cutting 13,000 jobs this year. Home Depot is cutting 1,000.

I, on the other hand, found a penny this morning!

Sigh.

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Citigroup shares are now trading at $3.15.

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Michael Riedel cattily reminisces about Hollywood stars who have failed on Broadway. Quentin Tarantino in Wait Until Dark (“acting of sublime awfulness”), Ashley Judd in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (“she took cellphone calls during rehearsals”) and Farrah Fawcett in Bobbi Boland (“put out of its misery in previews”). But he likes Scarlett Johansson and Liev Schrieber in A View From the Bridge.

I only like Riedel when he’s catty.

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Tangent!

I finally ate bone marrow the other day (it was part of my osso bucco). Can someone explain why this is considered a delicacy? It has the texture of snot and the taste of whatever utensil is used to eat it.

My Fabergé omelette was delicious, though.

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Xavier Nady signed with the Cubs yesterday for $3,300,000.

So we don’t have Melky, Nady, Duncan or (as of today) Damon. Remember when we had an embarrassment of outfielders?

Joel Sherman says that the Yankees should offer Damon $6,000,000. They are said to have initially offered Damon 2 years for $14,000,000; Damon and his monstrous agent might refuse $6,000,000, but then again they might not.

Pitchers and catchers report to spring training in 3 weeks (21 days).

Aw. Yeah.

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The Martha Stewart Show is going to move to The Hallmark Channel in September 2010.

The History Channel is producing 13 episodes of Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy, airing later this year.

Nancy Grace doesn’t want cameras in the courtroom when she testifies in the wrongful death lawsuit she’s been charged with. That’s a shame — this was the only time I considered watching her on TV.

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Trace Adkins has his own comic book now. I haven’t read it, but if the interior is as funny as the cover, I highly recommend it!

He’s… sharpening… an axe handle…

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Happy Hump Day.