Archive for January 28th, 2010

Of Course It’s Not Snowing NOW…

28th January
2010
written by jed

My day is off to a phenomenal start.

Discovered we were out of toilet paper this morning, so I went to Target (they open at 8:00 a.m.!) and bought some. Then I thought, “Hey! We need cheese!” so I went to Pathmark. Did you know that Pathmark doesn’t put out their fish and pork products until some time after 8:30? Me neither! But it means that I spent almost two hours hopping on buses, waiting on lines, resenting every Target employee ever and standing in the snow (did I mention it was snowing for the entire journey?) and I still don’t have dinner for tonight.

But I do have a (slightly wet) Post, so let’s do this thing.

Obama 2.0

Tries to reboot his troubled presidency

That’s the front page headline. The banner across pages 8 and 9 is ‘TRUST’ PLEA BY THE NEW OBAMA and once again Maggie Haberman somehow manages to get an intelligent and honest assessment article (this time on Obama’s first State of the Union) published in America’s worst newspaper.

To balance out Maggie’s intelligence, Churley Hurt offers They still trust him? Go figure. It’s the kind of story that Bart Simpson would cover on his “Bart’s People” segment on Kids News. It begins:

“STERLING, Va. — The state of the union here in Strip Mall America remains bleak, which could spell doom for Democrats in congressional elections later this year.

But here at Glory Days Grill, President Obama, while getting a little bruised by voters watching last night’s State of the Union Address, could still revel in his past glory of high oratory and soaring promises of hope and change. Glory Days is a sports bar where the bartender, Tyler Orpin, really does know everybody’s name.

It’s also the sort of place where folks watching images on TV of the president and Michelle Obama out on the town at 9 p.m. blurt out with a slight hint of disgust: ‘Who’s watching the kids?’”

Delivering the State of the Fucking Union is being “out on the town”?!? Did this actually happen or is Churley pulling a Jayson Blair? Either way, Churley still draws a salary? Go figure.

On the next two pages, “Post panelists” give the SotU a C+ (“for a worn, but well-turned speech” that contained “virtually nothing new”).

Samuel Alito, who is a phenomenal douchebag and also a Supreme Court Justice, pulled a silent “Joe” Wilson move and mouthed “no it won’t” or “you’re wrong” or “I masturbate to gay porn” or something when Obama spoke out against the recent turning over of our government to corporations.

And Jonah Goldberg tries to out-Churley Churley with OBAMA’S ANSWER FOR AMERICA: MORE OF ME.

“There’s a story of an exhausted tenor at La Scala who, facing repeated cries of ‘Encore,’ responded that he couldn’t go on. A man rose in the audience to say, ‘You’ll keep singing until you get it right.’ That seems to be the defining principle of the Obama administration — whose response to every problem, every setback, every hiccup and challenge has been, simply, ‘more Obama.’”

What a great analogy! Wait… is the Obama administration the tenor or the man? And what is Jonah Goldberg?

But Obama is only 1/3 of the front page. The rest goes to MOVE IT! Mike demands the 9/11 trial get outta town. That’s right, Mayor Bloomberg has taken time away from his war on salt to change his opinion on the 9/11 trial. Now he doesn’t want it in Manhattan because it will cost $1,000,000,000 to do so.

And so Bloomberg’s enemies list expands to salt, soda, trans fats, cigarettes and justice.

Bloomberg suggested that the trial take place at the Federal Correctional Institution in Otisville. Isn’t that the city that Gene Hackman was going to rename for Ned Beatty in the original Superman?

The new iPad is, um, underwhelming. Sorry, Apple.

Call me when there’s a webcam installed at the top. And it isn’t so ridiculously expensive.

(though the fact that it weighs 1.5 pounds is kind of amazing)

Oh, Rutgers. You so hazy.

Six members of the Sigma Gamma Rho sorority have been arrested and charged with putting their pledges “through a horrific eight-day nightmare of beatings and starvation.”

Why oh why did I go to a college without fraternities and sororities? I might have been able to torture someone!

A man stole $1,000,000 from a jewelry store on Madison Avenue and he shot a 71-year-old employee, killing him.

The store, R.S. Durant Jewelers, had no security camera (!) and “a door buzzer designed to keep out suspicious characters was on the fritz.”

I call inside job.

Michael Douglas’ son (Cameron Douglas, who looks eerily like Rachel Maddow) will be going to prison for “at least 10 years” after pleading guilty to dealing “large quantities of methamphetamine and cocaine from a trendy Manhattan hotel.”

He should have beat a toddler to death with a hairbrush. Much lighter sentence.

Skin cells taken from mice tails have successfully been turned into neurons capable of forming connections “crucial to brain function.”

I love it when science plays God.

Brittany Murphy’s husband (Simon Monjack) blames his wife’s death on Warner Bros.’ decision to fire her from the sequel to Happy Feet. Simon says (hands on your nose!) the stress of the firing killed her and is suing the studio. He found her as she passed away. “I immediately started doing CPR. I felt a tiny heartbeat. I was pushing with the heel of my hand. And every second I pushed, I felt my hand become stronger and her heart weaker. And then it stopped. And I kept pushing. She died in my arms.”

I’m no doctor, but it sounds like maybe you killed her, Simon.

Too soon?

Cindy Adams continues to defy the laws of temporal physics.

Mandrea!

Thee’s a lot of shrill whining today about all sorts of things, but once I read her straight-but-mannish-faced Enquiring minds are cheated out of Pulitzer, I knew nothing else could compare to it.

Apparently, she’s angry that the National Enquirer (whose own website bills it as “the original celebrity entertainment magazine”) isn’t being awarded a Pulitzer Prize.

“Old Joseph Pulitizer is doing flip-flops in his grave.”

She’s becoming Lady Armond White.

Remember Kisha Jones, 31? She (allegedly) tried to poison her husband’s out-of-wedlock child (both while in utero and as then as a newborn) and is facing related charges.

Now she’s facing a new charge: Impersonating a hospital administrator and trying to have the baby taken off a respirator.

Whyever did her husband cheat on her?

Elizabeth Edwards and John Edwards have legally separated.

I forget, Post, who should I despise more?

And they call it Hollywood II.

Edinburgh Zoo in Scotlad has trained chimpanzees how to use video cameras and are letting them “produce and direct their own films.”

In a related story, Valentine’s Day opens February 12th.

Monsignor Michael Dempsey, 77, founded the Catholic Telemedia Network in 1966, which aired The Prayer Channel (now known as NET). He served as the Brooklyn diocese’s executive director of pastoral communications from 1978 through 2009.

Guess who just got kicked out of his home at Our Lady Queen of Martyrs Church in Forest Hills, Queens (where he has lived since 1961). And guess who’s being investigated by Immigrations and Customs. I’ll give you a hint: His initials are M.D.

And the charges’ initials are Child. Pornography.

“Goodwin is right on the money.”

“Goodwin sure nails Obama.”

“Bravo for Goodwin.”

“Goodwin is a sewage-gargling hippo-fart whose opinions would shame the mentally handicapped.”

“Goodwin hit a home run.”

“Brilliant work, Goodwin!”

“Goodwin says what must be said…”

Guess which one of these opening sentences readers’ letters I wrote.

It only took them 44 games.

The Nets won their 4th game last night (by 16 points!). They are now 4-40 (9.1%).

Have we reached a major turning point in the Worst Season Ever?

Nah.

Gilbert Arenas is banned from the NBA for the rest of this season and the Wizards may void his contract.

You should have just paid Javaris what you owed him, son.

The Yankees have a $2,000,000 left fielder, but it isn’t Johnny Damon.

It’s Randy Winn (who, to my knowledge, didn’t steal second and third base on the same pitch in the World Series for the Yankees).

So… goodbye (for good this time), Johnny Damon.

Oh, this is interesting. Did you hear this? Have you heard about this?

The finale (pronounced “finally” in an exasperated whine) of The Jay Leno Show will air on February 9th. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno will (re-)premiere on March 1st. People stopped caring on January 8th.

Hey, Larry the Cable Guy! Describe your new show on the History Channel!

“It’s kind of like the redneck Charles Kuralt.”

Wow. OK, now make a joke about the History Channel that not only isn’t funny but will also demonstrate that Larry the Cable Guy doesn’t understand the concept of cable channels.

“We still show Deliverance on the History Channel where I’m from.”

Nice. Now git-r-down some stairs.

Be careful what you wish for, Jed.

VH1 will be airing some music-related programming tonight! Storytellers: John Mayer at 8:00 p.m.

I already wish I was watching someone make bims on Flavor Flav’s floor (Flavfloor?).


Teresa just got home (she’s sick), so it’s time to dote. Stay warm and dry and I’ll see you all tomorrow.


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