BAM BLINKS is:

a) stripping at FleshDancers tonight with April Chest (cover: $5, 2 drink minimum)

b) a Gorgeous Lady Of Wrestling

c) today’s headline, signifying that Obama has asked Eric Holder to look into moving the 9/11 trial out of the secene in the crime (Bloomberg and the Post’s game of NIMHITG [Not In My Hole In The Ground] seems to have worked).

d) the sound of someone with a hairlip ordering breakfast at Denny’s

It’s c and I’m disappointed.

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Also on the cover, is Cupid (with Eliot Spitzer’s head! LOL!) and the headline Just in time for Valentine’s Day: Eliot’s advice on love. The page 3 (!) story (CLIENT 9 NOW STUPID CUPID) mocks Spitzer for his “cringe-inducing comments “ on what he believes “the meaning of love” is. And the right side of the page is a giant photo of Ashley Dupre in a bikini — she’s the whore that counted Spitzer among her clientele and who now gets paid by the Post to offer advice to readers on everything from how to raise children to how to date interracially.

The hypocrisy is dizzying.

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President Obama is going to ask Congress for more than double what they gave last year for medical treatment for 9/11 first responders — $150,000,000. Last year they gave $71,000,000 in funds.

Any conservatives want to criticize that move? Butt out, big gub’mint? No government-funded healthcare? Anyone?

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Michelle Malkin’s new byline photo is almost as silly as she is.

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I wasn’t impersonating a telephone repairman to bug her telephone; I was dressed like a telephone repairman so that I could say that her phone was broken and then I would film her reaction and then re-cut it so that it looked like the senator’s staff didn’t care that the phones don’t work and then I would get the government to cut off funding for Louisiana. Also, I look suspiciously like Garrett Palm.

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So CBS OK’s a Super Bowl ad (from the God-fearing folks at Focus on the Family) where someone basically explains why abortion is wrong. That’s OK.

Two men kissing? On behalf of a gay dating site (called ManCrunch.com)? No way. Uh-uh. Not gonna happen. CBS told ManCrunch that all the ad space had been sold. No room at the inn, as it were. There is currently available ad space.

Well done, CBS. Why should NBC be getting all of the hate mail?

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Protect Our Children (which has one person on its staff — Kevin Gillick) mailed a flier to a number of homes in the neighborhood of Sun Life Stadium in Miami (home of this year’s Super Bowl). They (he) wanted to warn them about a potentially dangerous sex offender who would be in town soon.

And that man… just might turn Miami…

(slowly puts on sunglasses)

… into a teenage wasteland.

YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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An article about the murder of Nancy Kerrigan’s father (at the hands — literally — of her brother) has the headline Nancy’s ‘killer’ bro jealous. It seems he resented all of te attention Nancy got from their father. And the first sentence?

“Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.”

(it’s a Brady Bunch reference)

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Those six indicted Sigma Gamma Rho gals from Rutgers starved one of their pledges for eight days and paddled her ass every night. “The victim’s rear end became so bloody and wounded that she had to be hospitalized.”

The “ritual” was designed to “humble” the victim.

I can totally understand why she wanted to join this sorority.

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Remember that British couple in Dubai who complained that a hotel waiter had raped her and they got charged for sharing a room and “having sex outside marriage”? Well, they produced their wedding certificate, so Dubai dropped those charges.

Now they’re just being charged with “consuming alcohol without permission.”

Dubai has really nice hotels, sure, but your wife might get raped and then you’ll go to jail for having a drink.

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The president of Argentina (Christina Fernandez) announced that she had a “randy weekend with her husband” and attributes it to the barbecued pork they ate.

Having eaten the food in Argentina, I can easily see that happening.

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Rupert Murdoch, who built a newspaper empire by running naked breasts on page 5 (or was it 3?) every day (and then attributing the paper’s boost in circulation to the great journalists on his payroll), has Bill O’Reilly as a Post columnist and today’s The Earthquake Hitting Cable News should make Rupe proud.

“Watch out. America is moving to the right, and it’s happening fast.” His proof? According to a poll of Americans stupid enough to participate in a poll, 49% trust “Fox News” and 37% don’t. 31% trust ABC News, but 46% don’t. NBC News got a 35% trust rating vs. a 44% don’t trust rating. CNN scored 39% to 41%. CBS News scored 32% to 46%.

“Nearly half the country trusts FNC; nobody else is even close.”

No, Bill. Half the people with nothing better to do than answer questions about how much they trust any of the people who have to “punch up” the news to stand out in a 24-hour-news-cycle-scape say they “trust” Fox News. I “trust” them to be disingenuous, to push their own agenda and to perform the yellowest journalism since Hearst.

For most simple people at a concert, the hope is that the band will play familiar songs. On the news, they want someone that agrees with them to project their feelings into his/her broadcast. The simple fear change and/or the unknown. That’s not someting to celebrate, Bill.

(unless you make millions off of the stupidity of your viewers/listeners)

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Rest in peace, Miramax.

You had a good run there for a while.

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MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick (whose name rhymes with “Jew Epidemic”) gives the Mel Gibson and Ray Winstone vehicle Edge of Darkness three stars (“Payback’s a bitch.”), two stars to the Ray Winstone and Ian McShane vehicle 44 Inch Chest (“an extended acting exercise”), and zero stars (!!!) to When In Rome (“a strong contender for worst movie of the year”).

Kyle Smith gives Saint John of Las Vegas two and a half stars (“Hardly a divine comedy”).

Pete Hammond says, “Edge of Darkness will keep you on the edge of your seat.” He also calls When In Rome “entertaining and full of laughs.” And Extraordinary Measures is a “solidly well-crafted and engrossing drama.”

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Jay Leno on Oprah was harder to watch than the faceless chimp-maul victim on Oprah.

“I wasn’t the reason [for O'Brien's firing]. The reason was the ratings.”

Fuck you, chin.

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Kitchen Nightmares is returning tonight at 9:00! And he’s in Philadelphia!

Just when TV seemed to be a desolate wasteland, Gordon Ramsay returns to yell at people.

All is right in the world.

Have a great weekend, kiddies!