Teresa is sick. I am sick.
For the first time since Dog Court’s streak began, I am considering not attending the Magnet Inferno.
And despite feeling worse than I do, my incredible wife went out this morning (while I slept) and got a Post. Then she cooked duck bacon. I’m pretty lucky (though sick).
Now let’s get to it so I can go back to napping and coughing up phlegm.
Chuck Schumer doesn’t want the 9/11 trial in New York City — or New York state.
I’ve got it –we’ll have the trial in outer space!
Some burglars have stolen more than $150,000 in jewelry, electronics and sports memorabilia from Jayson Williams’ estate… in South Carolina.
If I were Williams’ attorney, I could have used the fact that he owns a home in South Carolina as proof that he was mentally unfit to stand trial.
A pack of
“crazed, hungry beagles” has been
“terrorizing” Long Island.
Which gives me an idea for a sitcom. A cranky old Jew (Eli Wallach) has a fear of animals but winds up falling in love with an abandoned pack of feral beagles that he finds one day in the park. The dogs are kind to Wallach, but his nurse’s aide (Kellie Martin as Vivian Schmear) is always subjected to their darker side whenever Wallach leaves the room.
I call it A Dozen Beagles and a Schmear and I’m waiting for your call, NBC.
There will be a Season Two of MTV’s Jersey Shore and it looks like the original cast has re-signed on. But they won’t be staying at the Jersey Shore (!!) this time around. Sources say that Delaware, the Hamptons and other locations are being scouted.
How about an elementary school? I’d love to see them interact with other people at a fifth-grade reading level.
Goodwin!
Mideast immune to Bam’s ‘magic’ is a curiosity. Goodwin refers to Jerusalem as a “magical city” but that’s the only mention of magic outside of the piece’s title. At no point does Goodwin explain what Obama’s “magic” is supposed to refer to (is Goodwin implying that Obama is a Magic Jerome?). Solid journalism, Mike.
The revolution even reaches liberal Apple begins, “The victory against holding the 9/11 terror trial in Manhattan is evidence that what happened in Massachusetts didn’t stay there. New York is having its own Boston Tea Party. Politicians — beware. The public is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.”
So voters choosing the charismatic Brown over the repugnant Croakley is the same thing as Bloomberg and Schumer telling Obama not to hold the 9/11 trial here, which is the same thing as the original Boston Tea Party. Solid. Journalism. B’also? Paddy Chayefsky is turning in his grave over your butchering (and misappropriation) of one of his best lines.
Client No. who? is a 4-sentence gem. “Eliot Spitzer is giving advice on love and avoiding stupid things. It’s tempting to ask what he knows about either, but that would just encourage him. Better to ignore him. That’s the one thing he can’t stand.”
And, once again, I will point out that the shitty paper that this shitty writer works for has given the prostitute that Spitzer frequented her own weekly column where she dispenses advice on love to stupid things.
Why do I do this to myself on the weekend?
Who’s dumber?
Highway Patrol Officer Nelson Robles has been a policeman for 15 years. He decided to go to Lydig Coffee House for some coffee yesterday morning and figured, “Why not leave the keys in the ignition of my marked SUV with the engine running?”
Anibal Lugo, 48, saw the SUV, got in and drove away. Cops found him soon after. He was dressed like a cop.
Robles has been suspended without pay. Lugo has been charged with possession of stolen property, grand larceny and impersonating a police officer.
Who’s dumber? It’s a tie.
Page Six (today on page 12) reports that Janet Jackson was at Pure Food & Wine recently, enjoying a Master Cleanse Tini (“lemon/maple/cayenne/sake”).
I’m fairly certain that sake isn’t part of the Master Cleanse Diet.
If I had a sake company, I’d call it Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Sake.
(Four Heavens Sake)
Finally!
Have you been watching Jersey Shore and thinking, “I want to smell like a moron”? Well, now you can! Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will be releasing his own cologne (called “The Sitch”) in the near future.
I imagine its scent containing hints of tanning spray, hair gel, cheap booze, gum, STDs, sand, a hatred of Black people, salami and the interior of a brand new IROC-Z.
Cindy Adams’ entire column today is a list of 46 “quandries” that were forwarded to her by “a great legal mind” (Head-scratchers aplenty). They include:
* If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
* Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?
* Can a person cry underwater?
* Ever notice kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in our butt?
* When someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart in a supermarket, why do we say, “It’s all right.” It isn’t all right. So why don’t we say, “That really hurt. Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
Get in the box, Cin.
“Maybe he should change his name to Blitzed Drunk.”
So begins the article on Rip Torn’s recent arrest for breaking into a bank (with a loaded gun) while intoxicated (‘RIPPED’ TORN IN BANK ‘BURGLARY’). This is the 78-year-old’s latest run-in with the law (he’s had three DWIs in the last five years) and he was arrested on five counts (including first-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief).
He’s still one of my favorite actors. Regardless of how drunk and crazy he may be off-camera.
Park Slope has been invaded by stinkbugs.
[insert hipster joke... here]
I read yesterday about a woman who was hit by a car and killed at Broadway and West 90th Street. Today we learn that the woman was Karen Schmeer, 39, editor of Errol Morris’ documentary The Fog of War.
My sitcom idea no longer seems funny.
Wow. Bravo is on the cutting edge of trends.
From 2007.
Look for 9 by Design on America’s Worst Network (patent pending) in April. It’s about a married couple that gut-renovates New York City buildings and are constantly moving their family of (wait for it) nine.
It’s like Jon & Kate Plus Eight meets This Old House meets Sex and the City meets Why the fuck do people watch shit like this?
In one of their classier moves, the Post has given Louis Pepe page 25 (today’s first page of PostScript) to explain why the 9/11 trial shouldn’t be held in New York (This is what the terrorists did to me — and why they should be tried at Gitmo). Louis was a federal prison guard in 2000 when he was attacked by two prisoners. He lost his left eye and suffered some brain damage. Which makes him a perfect op-ed writer for the Post.
“These people want to kill and go to Allah and have 10 girls. That’s just the way they are.”
Well said, brain-damaged assault victim. Well. Said.
“Strategic analyst” Puke Jimmies (sorry, Ralph Peters) “handicaps the region that threatens Obama — and the world — in a volatile year” in his 2-page NIGHTMARE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
If you want a crazy person to describe all of the countries of the Middle East as if he despised them all (except Israel), feel free to read it. I got as far as “LEBANON: This isn’t a country — it’s a temporary stand-off.”
Michael Loehrer of Dublin, Ohio, writes in to respond to Kyle Smith’s Best. Week. Ever.
“This is what I call writing. Kyle Smith is my kind of guy, and I want to read much more from him.”
Do I detect love? Sweaty, gay love that can’t get married?
ASK ASHLEY!
My significant other and I have a great sexual relationship, but after spending the night together — and exchanging bodily fluids — she’s still freaked when I want to use her toothbrush! What’s up with that? — Mike, 38, Boston
ASHLEY: “I have to agree with your girl on this one. I mean, come on. I’d take bodily fluids over morning breath any day.”
ME: “I disagree with the woman who fucked strangers for money. If you’ve been in the relationship for a while and you’re both monogamous, then sharing toothbrushes shouldn’t be a huge problem. Unless your girlfriend also won’t kiss you — then she might be a prostitute. Like Ashley Dupre.”
I picked up my high school daughter’s books and the football team roster fell out. About eight or nine of the names were crossed out, and the only thing I could imagine is that she’s sleeping her way through the roster. Several football players have visited her in the past months. How should I confront her? I would be so embarrassed if she had a logical explanation for this, but it’s eating away at me. — Pete, 46, Charleston, SC
ASHLEY: “Tell her that boys will respect her only if she respects herself. If you discover that she is sleeping around, she may be searching for acceptance from men.”
ME: “Your daughter is a dirty tramp, which I’d imagine is par for the course in South Carolina. Also, did you laugh out loud, too, when the prostitute talked about seeking acceptance from men?”
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 13 years, and we have two children. For more than half of those years, I’ve cheated on him. He knows about most of them, yet hasn’t left me. I’m pretty sure he’s just staying for the kids. My question is: Should I continue with these flings since it seems he doesn’t really care, or should I start divorce proceedings? I don’t really love him, but I hate the idea of dating, and I really hate the idea of being alone. On the plus side, I’m having my cake and eating it, too. — Veronica, 36, Alabama
ASHLEY: “I have to say, because he knows about all your affairs and allows them to continue, I can see why you’re going outside the marriage.”
ME: “You are a dirty tramp, which I’d imagine is par for the course in Alabama. Get a divorce from your husband/cousin and tell your kids/nephews/nieces why. Then put on your finest t-shirt and fall down some stairs.”
Hey, when does Jennifer’s Body come out? I hear Megan Fox kisses another girl in it! I can’t wait!
I started watching the BBC miniseries Edge of Darkness (the basis for Mel Gibson’s current remake) and it’s good… though I’m on the third episode (of six) and I still can’t stop thinking about the scene in the first episode when the cop (whose daughter was shotgunned to death as he watched) goes through his daughter’s things and kisses her vibrator.
On the plus side, I’d forgotten how much I love Joe Don Baker (especially when his character’s name is Jedburgh).
V.A. Musetto really likes the new movie Bad Biology. It doesn’t appear to have Asian nudity, but it is about a woman that has (at least) seven clitorises.
Sounds great.
Malcolm X. Shabazz defeated Christ the King.
(in a girls’ basketball match between the two schools with those names)
And now I nap.
Try to enjoy what little remains of the weekend. When I wake up, I’ll decide if I can survive a trip to the Magnet.
Toodles!
