Archive for January, 2010
FATMAN & ROBIN
Super heroes Rex & Boy Wonder will sock it to Colts
And, see, what they did is they put Adam West’s Batman cape and cowl and they superimposed them onto Rex Ryan, who is a fat man. And then, see, they took Mark Sanchez’s head and put it on Burt Ward’s Robin body (though they changed his “R” to an “S”).
It’s like the Post heard my pleas to stop putting obese men yelling on their covers and they decided to continue doing it and also defecate on my childhood for good measure.
I hate you, too, Post. I hate you, too.
This will end badly for all parties involved.
Burger King is opening a Burger King Whopper Bar in Miami Beach. Cans of Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime and Miller Lite will be sold for $4.25 apiece (or $7.99 for a beer, Whopper and fries combo).
“Mommy, why is that man muttering angrily under his stinky breath?”
Be on the lookout for female suicide bombers. So says the gub’mint.
Michael Jackson’s estate was asked by Joe Jackson to provide Joe Jackson with over $15,000/month which, Joe Jackson argued, was what Michael would have wanted Joe Jackson to have.
Michael Jackson’s estate politely declined.
Poor Joe Jackson.
The “stars” of Jersey Shore are demanding $10,000/episode for each of them. For season 2. Which hasn’t been confirmed yet.
My guess? They have a filing cabinet chock-full of other vacuous scumbags who will happily accept the “few hundred dollars”/episode MTV pays for their dignity. Expect a brand new cast for whatever gets filmed next.
On January 12,2010, Youval Geringer-Ganot, 56, of Beverly Hills, California, thought it would be clever to ask a Delta employee at JFK Airport if he would hold his bag for him — and that “there is a small bomb in there.”
Oh that Youval Geringer-Ganot. What a card.
Georgia.
A 12-year-old got bad grades. His mother wanted to punish him so she…
a) forced him to learn to read.
b) called the school to meet with his teachers and find out if she could help them help her child.
c) made him eat a pound of government cheese for every test or quiz he failed.
d) made him take up smoking.
e) made him kill the pet hamster he so dearly loved. With a hammer.
The correct answer is e.
Guess who lost last night. By 32 points.
The multiple-record-settingly-bad Nets.
3-39.
They “play” Utah tonight.
Now playing for the New York Mets: Gary Matthews Jr.
The Angels gave the Mets $21,500,000 just to take him off their hands (they got Brian Stokes in the deal, too, though).
This is funny. You hear this? Have you heard about this?
Jay Leno will be on Thursday’s Oprah.
I wonder what the studio audience will be getting (besides bored and uncomfortable).
The SAG Awards are tonight.
Betty White will be given a Lifetime Achievement Award.
For acting.
And sagging.
If anyone has a good hangover cure than doesn’t require movement or noise of any kind, please do let me know. Soon.
Dear Parade Magazine,
Please settle a bet for me. My friend says that there was a time in this country when people were ashamed of ignorance and tried to better themselves intellectually, if for no other reason than their own peace of mind. I, on the other hand, watch Jersey Shore. There’s a dinner riding on this!
Sincerely,
Jed Resnik
P.S. — Are you really Parade Magazine?
It’s m’wife’s birthday today. I went to get her something yesterday and sliced open my pinky. I wrapped a napkin around it (it didn’t look or feel deep) and squeezed it (which I assumed was the thing to do). I walked to the subway and noticed that the napkin had an almost Grateful Dead-ian design to it. The outer rings were maroon and burgundy and the closer to the wound you got, the more neon magenta the stain, until the point of origin’s hot pink.
But today it’s a teeny mark, nothing scary or pity-deserving.
Come celebrate Teresa’s birthday with us tonight and see why I injured myself.
Stanley Tucci? Outstanding in The Lovely Bones. Truly a revelatory performance. If not for Christoph Waltz, he’d have a really good shot at Best Supporting Actor.
Still not worth sitting through that painfully awful Afterschool Special of a movie.
Today’s paper comes with a 20 PAGE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME PULLOUT (pages 55-74). Page 61 is a full-page ad from Nathan’s.
HEY REX, WIN AND YOU’RE IN!
BEAT INDY, AND WE’LL RESERVE YOU A SEAT IN THE 2010 NATHAN’S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST
GO JETS!
Really, Nathan’s? You want to encourage Rex Ryan to eat more?
(shakes head, eats french fries with a tiny pitchfork)
Besides Rex Ryan’s ham face, the front page features a fairly amusing story (AD AS HELL!) about how YaVaughnie Wilkins responded to Oracle President Charles E. Phillips’ decision to go back to his wife (YaVaughnie was Charles’ mistress for 8 1/2 years).
First, there’s this: charlesphillipsandyavaughniewilkins.com. A lot of the sections are “currently unavailable” but there’s still some horrible karaoke and candid photos.
Then there are the billboards. Three in New York City (including one in Times Square), on in Atlanta and one in San Francisco (estimated total cost: $250,000). All of YaVaughnie (I love typing that name) and Charles smiling beneath the quote: “You are my soulmate forever – cep”
Hell hath no fury like a woman with loads of disposable income scorned.
Also, the first sentence on the front page begins, “The mistress of a high-powered Obama adviser…” and Obama’s name is mentioned three more times in the article.
I like how Newt Gingrich sent his hospitalized wife divorce papers by fax. It has no bearing on this story, but it’s worth mentioning. Again. And again and again.
Page 3 is all about (double-phallic name alert!) Woody Johnson and his grief (‘There’s no way to bring back’ my Casey).
In a surprise display of tact, at no point is Tila Tequila mentioned, nor are the words “celebutard,” “junkie,” “train wreck” or “spoiled crazy lady” used to describe Woody’s late daughter.
Baby steps, Post.
That reminds me: Thise two EMT folks that “let” that Au Bon Pain employee die?
They were dispatchers, not EMTs. They had no equipment or technically expertise. By law, they were prohibited from discussing the case (which made it easy for a shitty newspaper to vilify them for eating bagels while a woman died on their watch).
(More) Shame on the Post.
(thanks for the inside info, Jim)
A-fireman-tive action.
A Brooklyn federal judge is trying to make 20% of FDNY new hires Hispanic and 40% Black (until 293 total new hires are made). Also, if you are a minority who took the FDNY exam but weren’t hired, you might be getting some of my tax dollars as compensation.
It’s a helluva town.
Well it isn’t the right Pedro Espada, but it’s a start.
Andrew Cuomo has served Pedro G. Espada (and two co-workers) with a subpoena.
Maybe Pedro G. will turn against his über-douchebag father? That’d be nice.
Truth be told, I freaked out the first time I saw someone do this on a plane, too.
A Chautauqua Airlines (U.S. Airways) flight from JFK to Louisville, Kentucky was in the air when one of the passengers started to put on tefillin.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with all things Jewish Orthodox, tefillin are two small boxes (with scrolls inside) and leather straps that are wrapped around the (male) wearer’s arms and head (during prayer).
A flight attendant (not a passenger!) saw Caleb Leibowitz, 17, (who was flying with his 16-year-old sister) start his prayers and freaked out. She “didn’t understand his explanation, so she alerted the pilot to describe what she had seen.”
The flight landed in Philadelphia. It took off again an hour later. The airline blames Leibowitz for not providing “a clear response” to their employee’s panicked questions.
Teresa, cross U.S. Airways off the list.
Another article on that “EMT duo.”
They’ve been confined to desk jobs now (which I believe is where dispatchers always sit, no?). And the victim’s family is “upset.”
Prolly because the Post is manufacturing a sordid tale at the expense of their dead relative.
(Even yet still) More shame on you, Post.
I’M THE POP, SAYS THE WEASEL is Churley Hurt’s evisceration of John Edwards. Did I say John? I meant Elizabeth.
It begins, “A normal, compassionate human exposed for the first time to the debauchery that remains of John Edwards‘ dishonest life and career could be forgiven for feeling a little sorry for the pathetic cad. The world now knows just what a self-absorbed lunatic he is married to.”
Elizabeth isn’t mentioned again in the piece (the rest hates on John), but still.
Nice work, Churley.
A waiter at The Algonquin hotel stabbed a sous chef and a host with a butter knife (they were arguing about the radio).
When asked for a comment, Dorothy Parker quipped, “Life is a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong, and what kind of retard stabs people with a butter knife? What a maroon!”
According to Page Six (today on page 16), Mischa Barton can’t pay her rent, Jay Leno is going on Oprah to whine about what a bum rap he gets, Donald Trump “might” think Lady Gaga is the “world’s greatest entertainer,” there’s a XXX Jersey Shore parody (out next month!), and Annette Bening and Julianne Moore will make out in their next movie (Fun fact: In real life, Bening claims to be 53; Moore claims to be 50).
Thanks, Page Six!
What’s up, Cindy Adams?
“Chris Tucker lunched with three friends in [Washington D.C.'s] W Hotel.”
Box.
Mrs. Tiger Woods… is considering not divorcing him?
Buh?
Courtney Leigh Ames, 19, is perhaps the stupidest person in the world.
Exhibit A: She and her pals are (allegedly) behind the celebrity burglary ring that hit L.A. last year (they called themselves “the Bling Ring”).
Exhibit B: She went to her arraignment wearing one of the necklaces she stole from Lindsay Lohan, and thus found herself hit with additional charges. Her attorney claims it was a gift from one of the co-stupid-defendants.
Exhibit C: She didn’t get a TV show out of this… yet.
I just realized that there isn’t anything about the Supreme Court’s recent decision to allow corporations to buy politicians. Huh.
There is, however, Jonah Goldberg’s delightful Obama’s Kool-Aid, which (in its first sentence!) accuses the POTUS (and everyone else in “the White House bunker”) of “denial, arrogance and self-pity.”
Why? Because they haven’t accepted Scott Brown’s ascendence as proof that they’re wrong about everything (the nerve!).
And Bill O’Reilly warns that Obama is becoming another Jimmy Carter (the Right haaaaaate Jimmy Carter!).
I hate this paper with a fiery passion.
Air America declared bankruptcy, ceased all broacasts.
Expect lots of fat White guys to laugh about this today on the radio.
Citigroup has fallen to $3.27/share.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick: Extraordinary Measures — two stars (“Good intentions don’t make Harrison Ford’s bitter pill go down any easier”), and Tooth Fairy — one star (“As much fun as a root canal.”).
Kyle Smith: Creation — two stars (“Survival of the flattest.”).
V.A. Musetto: The Girl on the Train — three stars (it has nudity and sex — though no Asians — and he describes the titular [heh] star as “smoldering”).
Pete Hammond: “The Book of Eli gets 2010 off to a spectacularly exciting start.”
The Nets have a “game” tonight.
They are currently 3-38.
Good news, though — never before in NBA history has a team had three double-digit losing streaks in one season.
This season they’ve already had a 10-game losing streak and an 18-game losing streak. If they lost tonight, that would be another 10-game losing streak.
Fun fact: Worst record in NBA history? 9-73.
Dave Letterman vs. Jay Leno!
Dave: “Last night on the Jay Leno 10:00 p.m. NBC variety show, Jay Leno said that this NBC Tonight Show mess is not his fault… and I said, ‘I know. I know it’s not his fault. But [isn't it] funny that he always turns up at the scene of the crime?’”
Jay: “Boy, remember the more innocent days of late night TV, when the only thing people cared about was what intern the host was nailing? What happened to those days?”
Dave: “Five years ago when NBC said to Jay, ‘You know that Conan is going to take over your job in five years,’ that’s when you say, ‘Okay fine, no hard feelings.’ You call ABC, you call Fox, you try to get my job, you leave, you don’t go, ‘Okay, I’ll be in the lobby if you need me!’”
Jay: “Letterman has been hammering me every night. You know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him.”
Hilarious.
Happy birthday, Teresa.
Tonight… we get our drank on.
Happy weekend, ever’buddy!
“Hello?”
“Hello, Jed, it’s your father.”
“Hey, Dad.”
“What’s the name of the actor from Heaven Can Wait?”
“Warren Beatty?”
“That’s it, thanks! Love you!”
True story. Of course, I’m always happy to hear from my father (however briefly), so it isn’t that I’m annoyed (and I have tons of seemingly useless information in my head — Elaine May co-wrote the screenplay with Mr. Beatty, it’s based on the movie Here Comes Mr. Jordan and not Ernst Lubitsch’s Heaven Can Wait — so it’s always nice to put any of it to use)… maybe I’m jealous? Jealous of any generation whose knee-jerk reaction to a trivia(l) question isn’t to look up the answer on their phone, but to reach out to another human being and interact?
Food for thought.
OMG! Tiger Woods is on the cover today! And he’s at a “rehab center for sex addicts“ wearing a hoodie… what could you use as a headline for such a photo? Hmmmm. Puttfucker? Nah. Cup-Tin Rehab and his Moby Dick? Too literate. Boy, this is hard. I give up, Post. What’s the headline today?
TIGER HOODS
Oh, I see what you did there! And the bottom corner credits the photo to… The National Enquirer. Hey, didn’t the Post recently write a chunky piece on how the Enquirer was a legitimate news source that breaks plenty of big stories? Well, I guess this is what that article cost.
The cover, page 2 and page 3 are all about Mr. Woods. We learn that the rehab clinic he’s at requires its patients to reveal all of their infidelities to their spouses (it’s called “Disclosure Day” and, thankfully, doesn’t require watching that Michael Douglas/Demi Moore movie) and that he won’t partake in group therapy.
Fascinating.
Any actual news today?
The two EMTs who waited for their asiago bagels at Au Bon Pain (while a woman in the back slowly died and they refused to look at her) are back at work today.
Welcome back, Jason Green, 32, and Melissa Jackson, 23!
Oh boy! Another (anonymously credited) list of 5 lessons for Obama to learn from Scott Brown’s victory!
1) Lead Congress, don’t follow it. Fair enough. But please tell Congress that that’s the new paradigm.
2) Come down off the mountain. Ridiculing Scott Brown for his pickup truck makes you sound like an elitist. Oh, fuck you, nameless writer who has never been in a pickup truck.
3) You really can reach across the aisle. Just don’t expect any Republicans to compromise on anything ever (or to have all of your fingers there when you withdraw).
4) Do you think you’re just a little overexposed? The power of the presidency is lost if you’re in the country’s face every 30 seconds. Yeah! Quit ruining the power of the presidency and get off your mountain, Kenyan guy born out of wedlock!
5) Location location location — in the center! That way, no one will like you!
I hate this paper.
For fuck’s sake… three pages of Tiger Woods’ rehab followed by four pages on why Scott Brown is New Jesus?
Wait a minute… this article… it’s unflattering! Oooh! Oooh! Mister Kot-tare!
Girls gag at dad’s gaffe reveals that Ayla Brown, 21 (who was an American Idol finalist in 2006 and has a new album coming out next Tuesday!) and her sister, Arianna, were none-too-pleased with their father’s attempt at wit during his acceptance speech.
“While on stage, Ayla said she kept her eyes on the Teleprompter, but was caught off guard when her father seriously veered off message… ‘And just in case, to anybody whose watching throughout the country, yes, they’re both available.’ In households across America, every woman with a father blushed in sympathy. Brown’s daughters, as well as his wife Gail Huff, a Boston TV reporter, looked ready to crawl under the dais. He momentarily backtracked, saying, ‘Only kidding, only kidding,’ before making matters worse. ‘Arianna’s definitely not available, but Ayla is,’ he crowed.
As embarrassed as Ayla said she was, it was worse for her sister — whose boyfriend was on stage. ‘If you saw my sister, she’s not smiling at all,’ said Brown. ‘He just did it really impromptu.’ Since the cringe-worthy moment that left jaws dropping from Beantown to the Beltway, Ayla said she’s been getting date requests from hundreds of smitten wannabe suitors.”
I just watched the acceptance speech (which, as speeches go, was piss-poor) and both daughters were smiling. Ayla was laughing pretty hard. So the lying apple doesn’t fall far from the lying apple tree that got Gail Huff pregnant twice.
(spit take)
Churley Hurt’s piece today is titled Now GOP must step up to plate with own ideas.
“Winning off-year elections last November and a special election this week when voters are only marginally paying attention is not the same as prevailing in a major general election when everybody turns out. Republicans have gotten this far by saying ‘No’ to Democrats. Clearly, voters are very grateful for that. But now it is time for Republicans to move beyond simple defense. They must go on offense with clear, principled and imaginative ideas for fixing the unprecedented mess that Washington has foisted upon America.”
So now is when Republicans should stop blindly saying ‘no’ and start offering their own practical ideas?
Duly noted.
I bet when Maclaren recalled all those strollers, every parent that owns a Graco stroller felt relief.
Not so fast, Mom and Dad.
More severed baby fingers = recall of 1,500,000 Graco strollers.
Maybe Teresa and I should start Gimpy Gloves — a company that custom-makes gloves for people who have lost parts of their fingers in stroller mishaps. They’d be our customers for life!
Mandrea!
ArrOgance is exposed! proclaims the election of Scott Brown is the beginning of a new American Revolution and Obama is a laughable leper.
“His deep pride is little more than hubris. His stubbornness is arrogance. And his resistance to cries for actual ‘change’ is so fatal, the whispers are starting to seep out of the White House. Obama is now being called ‘radioactive.’”
Andrea Peyser is now being called “an unreadable asshole” and “a condescending ignoramus.” So… it must be true.
But Obama isn’t the only Black person she makes fun of today; she has two more arrows to sling.
GOV & SPOUSE IN CHILLVILLE reveals that “Governor” Paterson and his wife (because of the crack reporting by the Post on Paterson’s recent lunch date that hasn’t been substantiated by any other paper) are having marital problems.
“At Monday’s MLK event, though, Michelle crossed her legs tightly and scrunched as far from her hubby as she could without sliding into the next county.”
You should cross your legs, Mandrea. Your hyperbole is showing.
Tiger’s got something to celibate scoffs, “Tiger Woods is busy attempting to rid himself of the malady of choice for the man with too much of everything — he’s undergoing rehabilitation for sexual addiction in a Southern day spa and no-sex camp.
You’ve got to love a country where a wealthy and overstimulated celebrity attaches a trendy disease to his name, and all is forgiven. Let’s hope for Tiger’s speedy recovery from the nightmare affliction of too many easy women.”
Did I say three Black guys get ridiculed today? I meant four.
Harold Ford Jr., Mandrea argues, has made a grave mistake by claiming to be a Yankees fan (Ford lays a Bronx Bomb). “It’s easy for an elite, pretty-boy Southern transplant like Ford to root for the world-champion team of marquee gods. The ragged Mets are the squad of the outer boroughs, of which Ford has little experience. They can be hard to love. But diehard Met fans would rather eat nails than root for the Yanks. Choose your side carefully, Mr. Ford.”
Peyser has repeatedly identified herself as a diehard Mets fan. But what was it she said on October 1, 2009? Oh, yeah. This:
Yanks have a place in this met fan’s love
“Mets fans like me who’ve suffered severe depression by the awfulness and injuries on our favorite team should take comfort in the good fortune of the Yankees. I’m serious. The Mets enjoy a rabid following heavy with proud, outer-borough types who maintain an ‘anyone but the Yanks’ mentality. But I have to admit the overpaid Bronx movie stars are playing some mighty good ball this year.
Also, the Jeter Squad is no longer hobbled by the whiner Joe Torre, who continued to bash the team through a memoir published after the manager had taken root in Los Angeles. If I can’t have the Mets, and it looks as if the hard-noggined David Wright & Co., have a long way to go, then it’s only fitting that I root for guys who call New York home.
Go Yanks. Seriously.”
Which means that she also eats nails. And is a fairweather harpy.
But lest you think she only criticizes Black people, she takes yet another shot at Conan O’Brien (Conan is weeping — all the way to the bank).
“Multimillionaire Conan O’Brien is poised to get $32.5 million richer by walking away from The Tonight Show.
After weeks of his unseemly on-air grousing about his maltreatment by NBC, the brass is ready to pay up to make him stop. The network also wants to award severance to his staff, which is generous when you consider that their futures grew uncertain only after Conan chose to quit in a snit rather than move to 12:05 a.m.”
1) He also negotiated $12,000,000 for his staff, plus some other compensation he’s giving them out of the $32,500,000 NBC is giving him.
2) Is Jay Leno’s on-air grousing also unseemly? Because he’s been doing the exact stuff, except less amusingly.
3) Conan was promised (and, for 7 months, given) The Tonight Show, not his old job back.
“If another host gets his show canceled, he says bye-bye, and shuts it. If you or I quit a job, we get bupkis. But as he continues to pout, Conan gets richer. Plus, he wins the undying loyalty of his fans. Enough.”
You mean like Jay Leno? His Tonight Show got cancelled, then he was given a chance to destroy NBC and he took it (and did) and then he got fired from that job, too. Did he say bye-bye and shut it? Will you? Please?
“You can stop feeling sorry for him now.”
Can I continue feeling sorry for your husband, Mandrea?
Take. The stairs. Hastily.
Sean Combs is throwing a “Prince of New York” 16th birthday party for his son, which will be filmed and later aired as an episode of MTV’s My Super Sweet 16.
“Diddy will perform with his band, Diddy-Dirty Money.”
I wish my father had a ridiculously-named band that he fronted and that he sang for all my friends on my 16th birthday.
(Especially since the only song I’ve ever heard my father sing in the 35 years I’ve known him is the first verse of “Volare”)
Vincent Morgan is the guy I look forward to supporting when he runs against Charlie Rangel. Vincent Morgan’s cousin is Harold Ford Jr.
Harold Ford Jr. is endorsing Rangel.
I’m liking Ford less every day.
According to Page Six (today on page 26!), Amy “Long Island Lolita” Fisher is donating a portion of the money she’s making tonight, Friday and Saturday to the relief effort in Haiti.
And what is she doing? Why, stripping, of course! If you hate yourself and/or your eyes, swing by Scene Restaurant & Lounge in Commack!
Ozzy Osbourne will be “signing” “his” new “book” on Monday at Barnes & Noble (46th Street and 5th Avenue).
I hope his awful family is with him!
Cindy Adams on Brendan Fraser: “friends call him a master salad-maker.”
She also reports that Haiti had a 6.1 aftershock yesterday (the paper she writes for called in 5.9 in their gigantic headline earlier in this paper).
Box.
Today’s NYPD DAILY BLOTTER has a sketch of a suspect who allegedly “robbed and tried to sexually assault a 13-year-old girl” on a 3 train Sunday morning in Brooklyn. There’s also a sketch of a man police suspect “tried to get an 11-year-old girl to enter his parked van in Claremont.”
Except for their noses and one guy’s pencil-thin mustache, the sketches are identical. The same artist did both.
And both suspects are drawn wearing the same Yankees hat.
Remember the Salahis? They testified before a House committee yesterday — and took the Fifth.
Bravo.
The New York Times will start charging a monthly fee for people (who aren’t subscribers to the print version) to read complete articles online.
I’m really going to miss The New York Times.
In a related story, YouTube is testing “a limited video rental service” this week. Five films from the 2009 and 2010 Sundance festivals wil be made available through January 31st.
They haven’t mentioned a price yet, but I think that a $1 fee would get them roughly $20,000,000 in a week’s time.
But what do I know?
Really PULSE section? A(nother) 3-page article to throw on the Just Who Is This Lady Gaga Person We’ve Been Writing So Many Biographical Articles About Over The Last Year? pile? Thanks.
Bonus points: Dan Aquilante’s review of Lady Gaga’s Radio City Music Hall concert last night is titled Radio (City) Gaga.
That guy should be a writer for a living.
Not a great day to be a Yankee fan.
Earlier I found out about a guy who mugged three people but was caught because he was head-to-toe dressed in Yankees gear (and therefore, easily recognizable). Then there were the two guys who have different noses and prey on children. Now comes Robert Gamere, 71. He did the Yankees’ play-by-play for WHN Radio in 1970. He was just sentenced to five years in prison for downloading and distributing child pornography on the Internet.
A-Rod seems dreamy by comparison.
Guess who’s 3-38.
Go on. Guess.
Larry David will appear as a guest judge for NBC and Jerry Seinfeld’s horrible idea, The Marriage Ref.
Even worse? So will Tina Fey.
Two of my favorites… do I watch? Can I watch?
Charlie Sheen’s wife was rushed to intensive care last night with a mouth infection (due to impacted wisdom teeth), postponing their domestic violence hearing.
The mouth infection will next be seen at 7:00 p.m., and then again at 11:00 p.m., on Channel 11 (with Duckie!).
Tomorrow night is Teresa’s birthday party and, in celebration, Conan O’Brien will air his last (Tonight) show.
Maybe I should get drunk today so that I have a higher tolerance tomorrow… Dog Court would dig being coached by drunk Jed, methinks. I’m already belligerent and hit on everyone…
Tomorrow is Friday! And then comes weekend! Stay warmies!
Big day filled with things to do.
Which means I only have a couple of hours to write. Here goes.
Boston tea party
MASS. REVOLT!
GOP Senate win sends Bam & Dems reeling
Sigh. The Americans with (arguably) the most progressive health care system in the country have decided to pee on the grave of the man who represented them for longer than I’ve been alive. And this reflects poorly on Democrats. Because their candidate was an uncharismatic harpy who alienated her base by not knowing who Curt Schilling is and scoffing at the very thought of having to campaign for the gig.
Does this mean that health-care reform is dead? Of course not. But then, the Post has been delivering the eulogy for health-care reform for almost a year now. Are there more “Mass.” vs. “ass” puns? Yes — HUGE KICK IN THE MASS. FOR PREZ is but one of them.
And, along with Churley Hurt’s Bam, wake up & smell the disaster (“One year ago, people marveled at the magic of Obama. But the only magic trick he managed to pull off was to rescue the Republican party from the ash bin.”) and Dr. O’s bill flatlining, there’s Sexy hunk hits a big jump shot which includes a nice quote from Massachusetts gay-rights advocate Scott Gortikov (“[Brown's] not someone who even likes or tolerates gay people or their families.”). Well done, Massholes!
But in four pages of This Is The End Of All Democratic Things Forever news, the most ridiculous piece is 5 things President Obama must learn from the loss of a Senate seat in Massachusetts:
1) Don’t negotiate health care in secret and pack it with sweetheart deals. (You’re only allowed to lock the other party out of Congress if you’re a Republican.)
2) Responding aloofly to an attempted terror attack doesn’t inspire confidence. (Unless you’re reading My Pet Goat or shoveling turds on your ranch [for twice as many days as Obama waited to comment on Jim Carrey-on] — that inspires mad confidence, yo.)
3) Slow down the runaway spending, get a grip on the deficit, and focus on job creation. (Which, you know, he hasn’t done at all yet.)
4) Understand that the era of big government really is over. (Until the GOP regains power. Then all bets are off.)
5) Lose the arrogance, Mr. President. (You first, Post.)
“Governor” Paterson unveiled his $134,000,000,000 (that’s billion with a b) budget yesterday. Here are some highlights:
* A 17% “fat tax” on “sugary soda”
* Increase the cigarette tax to $3.75 a pack
* 24/7 video lottery parlors
* Allow wine sales in grocery stores
* Lift the ban on mixed-martial arts bouts
He is so not getting (re-)elected.
Hugo Hernandez, 22, decided to smoke a cigarette on a subway platform. Transit Detective Angel Cruz decided to issue Hugo a summons. Hugo decided to stab Angel in the head with a large hunting knife. Angel decided to shoot at Hugo and hit him in the ankle.
After eight months of therapy, Angel made a full recovery. On January 5th, Hugo pleaded guilty to aggravated assault. He has been sentenced to twenty (20) years in prison.
Next time? Take the summons. And leave the knife in your scabbard. Dummy.
Michael Goodwin is brimming with stupid today.
Mass. voters ‘Tea’ off on turncoat O (see what he did there?) informs us that “American voters don’t like the crap [Obama] is plopping in their food dishes.” What a great analogy.
Stand up & shout down our senators encourages New Yorkers to be as belligerent and ill-mannered as possible at City Hall today. Great advice, Mike!
Presidents take high road to help Haiti applauds George W. Bush and Bill Clinton for their “joint appeal for donations” which “is in the best spirit of America, a spirit that transcends partisan differences in a true emergency.” Then Goodwin mentions that George G.W. Bush and Jimmy Carter weren’t at the White House with Obama, George W. Bush and Clinton. Why? Well, Bush (Sr.) is 85 (“he’s slowing down”). And as for Carter? “He’s absent for a different reason. Nobody in the president’s club likes him. Good taste there.”
My favorite part about Goodwin’s diss against Carter (in a mini-piece that praises the best spirit of America, which transcends partisanship) is that he refers to “the president’s club” when he means “the presidents club.”
Actually, it should probably be “The Presidents Club,” but whatever. The point is, it isn’t the club of a president, it’s the club whose membership consists of former (and current) presidents. Which means that, even in his absence, Carter is a member.
And Goodwin is a member. But not of a club (see what I did there?).
B’also? PLEDGE TO RENEW JERSEY encourages New York to be more like New Jersey. ‘Nuff said.
Blame the (dead) victim!
Remember Vionique Valnord, 32? She was hit by Officer Andrew Kelly, who was driving drunk, and killed.
Now Kelly’s attorney claims that Valnord’s autopsy proves that she was drunk and that that proves that she was at fault, not Kelly.
So… if she wasn’t drunk, she would have been more lucid and better able to avoid the drunk cop’s car?
No further questions.
Weight Watchers is suing Jenny Craig.
The prosecution calls Domino’s. But only if they stll have that dessert pizza.
Heidi Montag had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day?
Spencer Pratt is a lucky… prat.
Page 17 (the page directly following today’s Page Six) is a full-page ad for Bloomingdale’s.
More specifically, it’s an ad for “JEGGINGS!” which are $200 jeans that fit like leggings. Which I find stupid and ridiculous (STUPICULOUS!).
Michael Starr flexes his journalism muscle and offers Don’t bank on Fox trot, which cautions people not to assume that Conan O’Brien is going to Fox. I agree. We shouldn’t assume that. But we also shouldn’t be surprised when it happens.
Which I kind of think it will.
Consumer advocates claim that Cash4Gold pays customers roughly 11 to 29% of what their gold is actually worth. If they’re lucky.
Frank Poindexter had his gold appraised. He was told it was worth $200. Cash4Gold sent him $0.15 for it.
He complained, C4G accused him of scamming them and, after months of investigations by the Postal Service and New York and Florida’s attorneys general, he got a check for $140.15.
MC Hammer could not be reached for comment, as he had already sent in all of his solid-gold cell phones.
Ah, semantics. Is there nothing you can’t do?
Alexia Moore and Falynn Rodriguez are facing misdemeanor prostitution charges. But when the charges were written up, the allegation was that the two “ladies” “did engage, offer and agree to acts of prostitution” instead of engage, offer, or agree. They never got around to actually fucking the undercover cop so, technically, the prosecution can’t prove that the “ladies” engaged in prostitution.
Great legal system you got there, America.
“Calista Flockhart reads tarot cards.” “Kevin Costner likes to talk golf.” “A chat with Sean Penn could start with the fact that his brother was an actor, too.” “Roseanne Barr hates bores.”
Cindy Adams, ladies and gentlemen.
Whose box is getting cold.
Brooklyn!
Gersh Gofman, 83, pulled his car in front of the driveway of the home of Steve Pulwers, 99. Pulwers was taking out the trash when the doctor (whose office is located beneath Pulwers’ home) tried to enter his garage, but couldn’t because of Gofman’s vehicle. Pulwers asked Gofman to move (and the doctor repeatedly honked his horn). Gofman got out, pinned Pulwers to the ground (with his knees) and started beating Pulwers with a steering-wheel lock.
Pulwers (did I mention he’s 99?) got a broken nose and broken ribs.
“He said he was going to send somebody to cut off my balls,” Pulwers said of his attacker.
Brooklyn!
Michigan-based Trijicon manufactures rifle sights for our military. And, for 30 years, they’ve been adding codes to the sights that reference Bible quotes.
2COR4:6, for example, is a reference to a quote from the New Testament (“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”). Which I’m sure Muslims would love to have explained to them.
Trijicon is being paid $660,000,000 to produce 800,000 rifle sights for the Marines (this is but one of their contracts).
Fun fact: There’s a law that prohibits American soldiers from proselytizing.
Funner fact: “Tom Munson, director of sales and marketing for Trijicon, says there’s nothing wrong or illegal with adding the religious references, and that the controversy is being stirred up by non-Christians.” (Well, DUH.)
Ah, love.
There’s a dating sight called SeekingMillionaire.com. If you’re a (presumably ugly) millionaire, you can find a woman who is interested in dating you (for your personality, I’m sure). Profile #160127 has been on the site for almost two years and was identified as “Bree” — a 23-year-old model from Newport Beach, California. That would be Bree Condon, who appeared in a Maxim swimsuit issue and a Guess jeans campaign. Or so profile #160127 would have millionaires believe. And they did, engaging in chats on the phone with (and receiving nude photos from) the sexy aspiring actress.
The actual Bree Condon hired a private investigator to look into the profile and what did the p.i. find? A 24-year-old man with a high-pitched voice in an Austin, Texas motel room.
[cue Boy George's "The Crying Game"]
Two celebrity deaths:
‘Spenser’ for heaven at 77 and ‘Love’ dies with Segal, 72.
Rest in peace, Robert B. Parker and Erich Segal.
Poor Bill Carroll, 43.
He’s a Jets fan. He and his girlfriend flew to San Diego to watch Sunday’s game. Carroll was arrested in the stands. Here’s the arrest:
Carroll says he drank three beers over four hours and, despite begging for a Breathalyzer test, was never given one.
The people shouting “He didn’t do anything!” are Chargers fans.
Carroll spent 15 hours in jail before being released on Monday.
He faces charges of being drunk in public and resisting arrest.
Poor Bill Carroll.
Versace is set to unveil their first “luxury mobile phone.”
Really, Versace? Really?
An editorial praising Scott Brown? Well, that’s to be expected from this rag.
But calling it Heck of a Job, Brownie! is in poor taste.
So the issue of In Touch Weekly with Sarah and Bristol Palin (and Trig and Tripp) sold about half the copies that the Brittany Murphy issue did. I just saw the cover and think I might know why.
“WE’RE GLAD WE CHOSE LIFE”
* How Trig’s Down syndrome made Sarah a “more patient” mother
* Bristol and her struggles as a teen mom and finding love after Levi
PLUS: Heartwarming family photos
(shudder)
Chrysler is recalling 24,177 vehicles “due to a potential defect in a brake system that could result in sudden brake failure.”
(waves miniature American flag)
The next adaptation of a (non-musical) movie into a Broadway musical will be… Leap of Faith? The Steve Martin movie? Really?
Also in the all-too-soon future, a musical based on Finding Neverland.
(shudder)
The Nets play Phoenix tonight.
Will they be 4-37 or 3-38 come morning?
(My money’s on 3-38.)
Bengie Molina decided that, instead of playing for the New York Mets, he’ll accept less money to return to the San Francisco Giants.
Ouch.
And now folks are saying that maybe Jason Bay’s knees are an issue, as might be his shoulders.
Double and triple ouch.
Thank God.
There will be a Jersey Shore reunion (they just taped it!). And a prequel (audition tapes and interviews from before they were “famous”). And a spin-off.
The spin-off is a dating show called Snookin’ for Love and the winner gets penicillin.
In other “reality” news based at a “music-related” TV channel, yet another VH1 “celebrity” is on trial for murder.
Jamal Trulove (I Love New York 2)is on trial for shooting (and killing) someone at a San Francisco housing project in 2007. When his episode aired the following October, the prosecution’s witness recognized Jamal.
Jamal was already a felon when he “competed” for “New York.”
Jamal joins Ryan Jenkins (I Love Money 3, Megan Wants a Millionaire) in the prestigious “I was on VH1 and also I’m a murderer” club.
Of all of the people I wish would fall down some stairs, Jeff Conaway was never one of them.
Nevertheless, he fell down some stairs yesterday and required emergency surgery. He broke his hip and an arm and fractured his neck. He also suffered a brain hemorrhage.
Was it an accident? Was it a suicide attempt? Was he pushed by that creepy lady he lives with?
Maybe Sundance needs to produce a sequel to The Staircase?
Randy Jackson has announced that, despite Paula and Simon’s exits, he will remain on American Idol.
Then he called everyone “man” and “dawg” and asked if anyone could front him bus fare home and/or “the rest of that sandwich.”
Hot damn! I still have time to shave! USA! USA!
Have a great one, kids.
I spent the morning assembling everything I (thought I’d) need to make my wife a sweet birthday present. Or so I thought. Now it looks like I spent $30 for a bunch of stuff I can’t utilize on my computer (I’d be more specific, but Teresa reads this and I’m hoping one of the young bucks in Dog Court might be able to help me on Thursday).
Sigh.
I told my old friend that I’d try to read his screenplay this weekend and I did. Try, that is. But I couldn’t find the time and he’s already asking for feedback. I thought I’d be able to do read the script today while I made Teresa her present, but now that I’m not making presents, I feel like the pile of dirty dishes need to take precedence.
Double sigh.
And the cherry on the sundae is that I was asked to coach a three-person improv group tomorrow afternoon and I said yes, but only two of the three agreed (or acknowledged that there was a group in the first place) and that was over a week ago, so I’m guessing there is no rehearsal. I really wish things would get better for Teresa and me (physically, psychologically, and monetarily).
Well, let’s see what the New York Post has on the OH MY GOD, REX RYAN’S NECK LOOKS LIKE A SADDLE WITH BEARD STUBBLE.
Ahem.
The best Rex we ever had accompanies the aforementioned photo of football’s unhealthiest coach and promises plenty of follow-up coverage (again).
But beneath the smiling fatty, there’s CRITICAL MASS. which explains why a Republican win in Massachusetts’ special election today means that the Democrats (and Obama in pertickalur) will lose EVERYTHING EVER (and Obama will suffer “his biggest embarrassment as chief executive”). Or so “pundits say.”
Here’s something to consider when the source of what you’re reading is “pundits.” In order to get on the TV, you have to have the same opinion as the “anchor/host/monologist” of cable’s “news” programming (Olbermann has left-leaning pundits, O’Reilly has baby-eating pundits). In fact, if you want to be a featured contributor, you have to have even more radical ideas than the host, so that the host can say “hold on a minute” and make his own insane views seem more level-headed in comparison. But there are a lot of pundits out there and not a whole lot of open positions to be filled. So, if you want to stand out, your opinions need to be borderline outlandish.
So there will always be someone out there insisting that Obama is a secret Muslim; who believes Obama hacked voting machines to win in 2008; that Obama is not an American citizen; that death panels are mos def part of the health-care overhaul; that Obama’s mother birthed him out of wedlock — because who knows when that argument might come back into style?
B’also? Coakley is an incredibly uncharismatic dullard. So much so that the people of Massachusetts may very well be willing to destroy the legacy of Ted Kennedy just to not elect her. Churley Hurt’s nickname for her (“Martha Chokely”) isn’t as hyperbolic as it should be.
Though, to her credit, she didn’t pose naked in Cosmopolitan.
B’alsolso (patent pending)? When did the GOP start believing what the polls say?
The MTA plans on making the tolls on their bridges and tunnels will be “non-stop.” The police believe that this will remove the “‘natural roadblock’ for drunk drivers, toll-beaters and even terrorists.”
A trip to California makes you realize how lucky we are to live in city almost entirely covered by a somewhat-reliable transit system. But watching the Golden Globes and seeing that MTA board member on the arm of Dame Paul McCartney reminds you how corrupt and despicable the peope who run that system are.
And now they’re going to increase your chances of getting into an accident. And increase the cost of that privilege.
Someone who works for the company that provides fuel to JFK Airport was arrested yesterday. Bernard Seabrooks was charged with “menacing and weapons possession.”
He shined a laser pointer at a pilot who was preparing for takeoff.
On the one hand, the charges seem harsh (a weapon? really?), but on the other hand, please throw that moron in prison for a few years.
Oh, this is funny. Did you hear about this? You hear this? Here are Jay Leno’s remarks from his show last night:
“I thought maybe I should address this. At least give you my view of what has been going on here at NBC.
Oh, let’s start in 2004 — 2004, I’m sitting in my office, an NBC executive comes in and says to me, ‘Listen, Conan O’Brien has gotten offers from other networks. We don’t want him to go, so we’re going to give him ‘The Tonight Show.’ ‘I said, ‘Well, I’ve been number one for 12 years.’ They said, ‘We know that, but we don’t think you can sustain that.’ I said, ‘OK. How about until I fall to number two, then you fire me?’ ‘No, we made this decision.’ I said, ‘That’s fine.’
Don’t blame Conan O’Brien. Nice guy, good family guy, great guy. He and I have talked and not a problem since then. That’s what managers and people do, they try to get something for their clients. I said, ‘I’ll retire just to avoid what happened the last time.’ OK.
So time goes by, and we stay number one up until the day we leave. We hand — [applause] — no, no. OK, but I’m leaving before my contract is out. About six to eight months early. So before I could go anywhere else, it would be at least a year or 18 months before I could go and do a show somewhere else.
I said to NBC, ‘Would you release me from my contract?’ They said, ‘We want to keep you here.’ OK.
‘What are your ideas?’ They said, ‘How about prime time?’ I said, ‘That will never work.’ ‘No, no, we want to put you on at 10. We have done focus groups. People will love you at 10.’ . . . Four months go by, we don’t make it. Meanwhile, Conan’s show during the summer — we’re not on — was not doing well. The great hope was that we would help him. Well, we didn’t help him any. OK.
They come and go, ‘This show isn’t working. We want to let you go.’ ‘Can you let me out of my contract?’ ‘No, you’re still a valuable asset to this company.’ How valuable can I be? You fired me twice. How valuable can I be? OK.
So then, the affiliates are not happy. The affiliates are the ones that own the TV stations. They’re the ones that sort of make the decisions. ‘They’re not happy with your performance, and Conan is not doing well at 11:30.’ I said, ‘What’s your idea?’ They said, ‘Well, look, how about you do a half-hour show at 11:30?’ Now, where I come from, when your boss gives you a job and you don’t do it well — I think we did a good job here, but we didn’t get the ratings, so you get humbled. I said, ‘OK, I’m not crazy about doing a half-hour, but OK. What do you want to do with Conan?’ ‘We’ll put him on at midnight, or 12:05, keeps ‘The Tonight Show’ does all that, he gets the whole hour.’ I said, ‘OK. You think Conan will go for that?’ ‘Yes, yes. [Laughter.] Almost guarantee you.’ I said OK. Shake hands, that’s it. I don’t have a manager, I don’t have an agent, that’s my handshake deal.
Next thing, I see Conan . . . saying he doesn’t want to do that. They come back to me and they say, ‘If he decides to walk and doesn’t want to do it, do you want the show back?’ I go, ‘Yeah, I’ll take the show back. If that’s what he wants to do. This way, we keep our people working, fine.’
So that’s pretty much where we are. It looks like we might be back at 11:30, I’m not sure. I don’t know. [Applause.] I don’t know. But through all of this — through all of this, Conan O’Brien has been a gentleman. He’s a good guy. I have no animosity towards him.
This is all business. If you don’t get the ratings, they take you off the air . . . You can do almost anything. You get ratings, they keep you. I don’t get ratings he wants. That was NBC’s solution. It didn’t work, so we might have an answer for you tomorrow.
So, we’ll see. That’s basically where it is.”
Isn’t that nice? And now, context.
The internets never forgets.
Bonus Mandrea column! And it’s incredibly condescending!
Another Memphis guy with rock-star appeal! analyzes (sarcastically, of course) Harold Ford Jr.’s speech yesterday (at Al Sharpton’s National Action Network in Harlem). “He tried — and failed — to torpedo his Southern accent. And he royally ticked off the smitten media, as well as his maybe political rival, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand. That’s right. Harold Ford Jr. walked into the event a nobody. And he emerged a punk-rock star. Few in the crowd knew the identity of the cute, quiet guy as he sat onstage.”
Really? He’s been in the paper and on TV an awful lot over the last couple of years, especially in the last month or two. But I guess the folks up in Harlem don’t read or watch anything except music videos, right?
“Ford stood up, this son of privilege, now a bank vice chairman and a guy who eschews the subway — and talked like he was born in Harlem. Except, that is, for the words ‘on,’ which he pronounced with two syllables, and ‘helpful,’ from which he omitted the ‘l.’ No matter.”
1) Isn’t what you just said kinda/sorta EXACTLY what Harry Reid said about Obama, except with actual examples?
2) Did he say “hepful” or “helpfu”?
3) Your kids must be so proud.
Attention Bronx residents! A “team of gypsies” (isn’t the proper collective noun “a blight of gypsies”?) have been robbing the elderly by telling them there’s a leak in their home. The marks open the door and then they get robbed.
So if someone asks you to open your door, first make sure they have all of their teeth and aren’t wearing multiple scarves.
According to the Post (with regards to Rex Ryan), “Fat is the new win.”
Yay! I win!
Kim Kardashian claims that Reggie Bush (running back for New Orleans) promised to propose to her if the Saints win the Super Bowl.
[insert joke about Reggie throwing the game... here]
OMG! Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were totally making out backstage at the Golden Globes!
Now I’m definitely going to see their new romantic comedy!
(sadly, this trick worked with The Break-Up)
Sit down.
Are you sitting down? Good.
The Situation, Snooki and JWoWW (three of Jersey Shore’s most severely differently-abled stars) were taking a red-eye from LAX to JFK and they acted “obnoxious, pushy and entitled.”
[cue Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?]
Page Six (today on page 12) reports that Mischa Barton celebrated her 23rd birthday (she doesn’t look a day over 42!) on Sunday. She “sipped Champagne throughout the evening but remained in control.”
So much for that drinking problem! You go, girl!
(she’ll be dead by 28)
On January 8th, a construction crew erected a crane on a barge in the middle of Flushing Bay.
Directly in the flight paths of numerous planes.
It was dismantled before anyone got hurt, but there were a few diverted flights that day.
Feeling safer? Me, too.
Yo quiero rest in peace.
(Glen W. Bell, 86, founder of Taco Bell, died Sunday.)
Wife-beater newsman agrees to finish jail term
“Hello, Post?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s Dominic Carter.”
“Oh… uh… hey…”
“Why did you call me ‘Wife-beater newsman’ today? I thought we were close!”
“Uh… we didn’t have enough space to put your name, so we gave you a shorter nickname.”
“But my name is shorter than… hello? Hello? Goddamnit.”
(the actual story offers no word on whether or not he’s gotten around to reading that Matt Damon article yet)
During the Jets game on Sunday, 10,000 text donations were received in a single minute, bringing the Red Cross’ total haul to $90,000,000.
I ask again, why isn’t there anything remotely close to this being given to your fellow Americans in need?
The guy who shot Pope John Paul II(: The Pontiffication) proclaimed that “the world will be destroyed in this century.”
Way to hedge the bet, Mehmet. Who will be around to “haw haw” at you in 90 years?
Dennis Hopper is getting a divorce (despite his being frighteningly close to death) from his wife of 13 years because he believes she’s greedy. “Sources” claim that he’s only holding on to this mortal coil until it’s finalized. That way, they say, she’ll only get 25% of his estate.
Ain’t love grand?
The American Conservative Union’s big annual shindig has a new co-sponsor this year: The John Birch Society. For those not familiar with Mr. Birch’s “Society,” please to allow Bob Dylan to ’splain:
Talkin’ John Birch Paranoid Blues
Well, I was feelin’ sad and feelin’ blue,
I didn’t know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them Communists they wus comin’ around,
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground.
They wouldn’t gimme no peace. . .
So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the John Birch Society,
I got me a secret membership card
And started off a-walkin’ down the road.
Yee-hoo, I’m a real John Bircher now!
Look out you Commies!
Now we all agree with Hitlers’ views,
Although he killed six million Jews.
It don’t matter too much that he was a Fascist,
At least you can’t say he was a Communist!
That’s to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria.
Well, I wus lookin’ everywhere for them gol-darned Reds.
I got up in the mornin’ ‘n’ looked under my bed,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn’t find ‘em . . .
I wus lookin’ high an’ low for them Reds everywhere,
I wus lookin’ in the sink an’ underneath the chair.
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
They got away . . .
Well, I wus sittin’ home alone an’ started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my T.V. set.
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin’ right up in the brain.
Them Reds caused it!
I know they did . . . them hard-core ones.
Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes.
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they wus red stripes on the American flag!
That ol’ Betty Ross . . .
Well, I investigated all the books in the library,
Ninety percent of ‘em gotta be burned away.
I investigated all the people that I knowed,
Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go.
The other two percent are fellow Birchers . . . just like me.
Now Eisenhower, he’s a Russian spy,
Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy.
To my knowledge there’s just one man
That’s really a true American: George Lincoln Rockwell.
I know for a fact he hates Commies cus he picketed the movie Exodus.
Well, I fin’ly started thinkin’ straight
When I run outa things to investigate.
Couldn’t imagine doin’ anything else,
So now I’m sittin’ home investigatin’ myself!
Hope I don’t find out anything . . . hmm, great God!
(Copyright © 1970 Special Rider Music)
Also, they adore teabagging.
Kraft will be purchasing Cadbury for $19,000,000,000.
Expect the quality of Cadbury to plummet to Hersheysian levels within the year.
(By law, Kraft isn’t allowed to call Velveeta or Easy Cheese or THEIR AMERICAN CHEESE SLICES “cheese” — they’re all “cheese products”)
The Nets… lose! Again! And for the third time in their last six games, they never once had the lead!
3-37! A 7.5% record! The second-worst team has a 21.4% record!
The Nets are profoundly awful!
Goodbye, Jerry Hairston Jr.! Enjoy San Diego!
And welcome back (for a year), Chad Gaudin! And welcome (for a year), Boone Logan!
Hurry back, baseball season!
CBS has decided that 25 episodes of The Jack Benny Show — that were (re)discovered and unearthed in 2008 — are better left unseen.
Apparently, they decided that, even though The International Jack Benny Fan Club had offered to pay for the digital transfer and preservation of the episodes, the potential costs for musical copyrights and other licensing fees were just too high.
Which, in a very sick way, must make Jack Benny proud.
Linda Stasi, make up your mind!
Spartacus: Blood and Sand starts on Starz this Friday. Linda gives the new series 2 and a half stars.
She calls the show “crazy, insanely violent and nearly pornographic.” So… I shouldn’t watch it?
“I don’t mean to imply that this horribly violent (and it is the most violent show on legit TV), sexually explicit (and it is the most sexually explicit show I’ve ever seen on legit TV) series isn’t a hoot and a half.” So… I should watch it, but only if this kind of show is my cup of tea?
“If this isn’t your cup of blood, give it a shot anyway. Call up a friend who spends all their free time watching violent martial arts movies, and stop taking yourself so seriously.” Wait… what?
B’also? Starz is a premium cable channel. It isn’t “legit TV.”
Dummy.
Remember, your work week is just four days long this week. And you’re almost 25% finished!
Happy Tuesday!
When I left last night, the Jets were losing. By the time I got to the Magnet Inferno (where the undefeated Dog Court won their fifth straight match), the Jets had won. Which means that today (and tomorrow and all of next week), I have more photos of Buddy Ryan’s gargantuan loinfruit to look at. Yay. There’s a Jet on the cover but, thankfully, he is not morbidly obese.
Charles Hurt pulls (makes?) triple duty on page 3. In a teeny blurb at the page’s center, he scoffs at Martha Coakley’s verbal gaffe (Coakley’s unforced error) that occurred on “a radio show”… at some point (solid reporting, Churlie!). Hurt describes the faux pas as “a vile, cursed, unrivaled insult” and that Coakley “had fouled up as badly as possible.”
She called Curt Schilling “another Yankee fan.”
CONTEXT (which I was able to get by Googling “coakley schilling yankee fan”): The radio host (Dan Rea!) asked her about how close the polls are and she said that if they weren’t so close, Obama wouldn’t be stumping and neither would Rudy 9iu11ani — who, she pointed out amid chuckles “is a Yankee fan.” The radio host then added that Curt Schilling is also getting involved and she said, “another Yankee fan.” Rea immediately challenged her and she (after saying “he doesn’t play for [the Red Sox] anymore…” which I took as an obvious joke) corrected herself.
Which makes this page 3 news. Anything else, Churlie?
SAVING HER MASS. (see what he did there?) begins with the chilling “With the fate of his hard-fought health-care plan hanging in the balance” and describes Obama’s recent stumping in Boston as “desperate.” That’s two. Here’s three: Prez’s outsider act is bombing in Kennedy country.
I’ll ignore the obvious “don’t use bombing in a headline when American soldiers are being blown up in at least two countries every week” and instead take issue with Hurt’s presumption that Obama’s involvement is “the final nail in her already-closing political coffin.”
I wanted Coakley to win because she’s a Democrat. I wanted her to win because her opponent is a Tea-bagger whose crowds have cheered that Coakley should have a curling iron shoved up her butt and that she should commit suicide. But now I want her to win so that Churlie can eat his foul words and, if there is a God, choke on them.
Lou Lumenick (with a straight face!) claims that the Golden Globes are “probably more predictive of what will happen in the Oscar’s Best Picture race” than “virtually all of the critics’ prizes, including those given by the Broadcast Film Critics Association.”
Which is why he thinks Avatar (which won the Golden Globes for Best Picture – Drama and Best Director) will take the Best Picture Academy Award. I disagree.
Other “winners” last night were The Hangover (Best Picture – Comedy), Jeff Bridges (Best Actor – Drama), Sandra Bullock (Best Actress – Drama), Robert Downey Jr. (Best Actor – Comedy), Meryl Streep (Best Actress – Comedy), Cristoph Waltz (Best Supporting Actor) and Mo’Nique (Best Supporting Actress). And Chloë Sevigny won Best Supporting Actress (TV) for Big Love.
That’s right: Meryl Streep won for comedy, Sandra Bullock won for drama, and Chloë Sevigny won for her “acting.”
Welcome to… Apocalypto!
Starbucks prices have all gone up (except for their plain ol’ cup of coffee, but who goes to Starbucks for a cup of coffee?). Your $5.55 triple grande soy vanilla latte now costs $6.25. And, if you’re not a woman, what’s left of your pride.
Jules Paul Bouloute! Why did you set off the alarms at JFK airport — TWICE — last Saturday?
“I was looking for the exit to find a taxi.”
Right, but you went through a door that was marked RESTRICTED and set off an alarm and then you did the exact same thing again instead of stopping.
“I kept going because I was lost.”
Well, that makes sense then.
Is it just me or does it seem a bit weird that the Save Conan O’Brien rallies are being held on Martin Luther King Day?
Also, someone make me a CoCo and MiLK shirt to commemorate the event, please.
Ohio is a weird place.
An obscure law is on the books in Delaware County, which states that the county has to pay anyone who gets hurt by a rabid animal. David Froehlich, 61, asked for (and got) $1,500 (the maximum), even though he missed the application deadline by two days.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to book a flight to Ohio (with a stopover at a rabid pet store).
More about the NYPD that will make you sad(der).
“Renegade Port Authority police supervisors” who want to do something about the current “unflattering crime statistics” are now using intimidation and threats against… Duane Reade security guards. They’re telling the guards not to report shoplifting incidents — even when they apprehend the suspects.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the Duane Reade across the street from the Port Authority Bus Terminal and take whatever the fuck I want to.
On page 15 (a far cry from page 3), there’s a piece on how Bruce Blakeman (former Long Island lawmaker and current Republican candidate for the Senate) spoke to roughly 500 supporters at the American Legion Hall in Valley Stream yesterday and made a sports-related verbal gaffe.
“Let’s all hope that the Giants are victorious today.”
To be fair, when you hear about a tri-state area team succeeding, you naturally assume it isn’t one of the teams rhyme with “pets.”
Fun Fact: Bruce’s ex-wife is Nancy Shevell (current girlfriend/diaper-changer of Dame Paul McCartney).
The Post took a photo of Chuck Schumer and a photo of Kirsten Gillibrand and combined them into a photo of Schumer’s face with Gillibrand’s hair and neck/chest! And they named it SCHUMIBRAND! It’s like a live-action political cartoon!
This is really an awful newspaper.
Mandrea!
Left’s hero caught with pants down tells the sad tale of Scott Ritter. He was the UN weapons inspector that insisted that Iraq had no WMDs (I’d call them WsMD, but you’d all think it was a typo). Then he got caught soliciting sex from (what he thought was) an underage girl in 2001. Twice.
And he’s (allegedly) done it again. Is he a hero of the left? Nope.
But is Bush’s former counsel who almost choked his wife to death a hero of the right? Is Mandrea a deplorable nimrod?
The answer to at least one of those questions is yes.
TRAGEDY OF HAITI shifts gears to praise Americans for being “fundamentally good and generous,” as evidenced by all of the fat citizens who texted $5 or $10 to Haitian relief efforts without needing to change out of their sweatpants and Winger t-shirts.
Political cockroaches attacks Hiram Monserrate and Pedro Espada Jr. and laments that nothing will get them out of their offices. Mandrea is usually wrong about everything; I hope she’s especially wrong about this.
And now, Conan’s fans need a nap in its entirety:
Repeat after me: It’s only TV. It’s only TV.
Yes, NBC made a mess of late night by wrecking a winning formula, putting Conan O’Brien on the “Tonight Show,” and plunking Jay Leno on the tube at 10. Someone should be fired. Maybe tortured. Or made to fly coach.
But putting the planets back in their proper alignment by returning Leno to 11:35 has bruised a lot of feelings, particularly those of rabid O’Brien fans. They view NBC’s sudden realization that the new lineup was the worst decision made since President Obama’s Hawaiian vacation as a form of treason. I say, calm down.
Your boy will be back on the air . . . somewhere.
In the meantime, learn to read. Take a walk. Or sleep. Only bartenders and bubble-headed heiresses should stay up past 11 on school nights.
Is Mandrea uglier on the inside or outside? You make the call!
MC Paul Barman just rapped “Ruth Bader Ginsburg” as I read her name in Cindy Adams’ column (Cindy thinks Ruth will retire soon).
Chilling.
Cindy also shares that Robert Downey Jr. (who just won an “award” for Sherlock Holmes) is “razzberrying the offer of a sequel” and Steven Spielberg is exec-producing a six-part Science Channel documentary on the World Trade Center called Rebuilding Ground Zero. Wanna bet the documentary is finished before the World Trade Center?
Readers write in to weigh in on the Leno/O’Brien situation. Sean King of Mineola says, “Leno is Vladimir Putin to O’Brien’s Dmitry Medvedev.”
Joe Alaina of the Bronx says, “O’Brien is a big baby… Grow up, O’Brien. People are struggling to make ends meet while you enjoy a multimillion-dollar salary.”
Jim Silberman of Manhattan believes that Leno and O’Brien have strengths, but neither is a good talk-show host. “It’s a lost art, and the sole survivor is Dick Cavett.”
Wait — Dick Cavett is still alive?
And Deborah Fleming of Lavallette, New Jersey is one syllable away from a haiku with “Mix them around or turn them upside down. Just make them go away.”
The Nets have a “game” today at 3:30 against the L.A. Clippers.
By 7:00 p.m., they will either be 3-37 or 4-36.
Either way, [photo of crying baby].
The Dallas Cowboys got their asses kicked by Minnesota. Good. I hate Dallas.
The final episode of Jersey Shore is this Thursday? Really?
Damn. I hope MTV does an outtake show. Or a reunion show.
(crosses fingers sarcastically)
The end.
Enjoy your day off, peeps!
Is “Governor” Paterson having an affair? According to today’s front page EXCLUSIVE, he was spotted “nuzzling” and “kissing the neck” of a “mystery woman” during “an intimate lunch” at a restaurant in New Jersey (GOV’S MYSTERY WOMAN). The story continues on page 3 and claims Paterson “was spotted nuzzling, neck-kissing and cooing like a smitten schoolboy” at the River Palm Terrace in Edgewater, NJ.
You know who else liked to eat there? Eliot Spitzer.
If Paterson had a career, this might have been the end of it.
Is there a group of city peace officers who sport identical tattoos and are “exhibiting gang behavior”? And who post “Beat the Homeless” on their MySpace pages? And who, in fact, beat the homeless? It appears so.
The Department of Homeless Services have ordered all officers to cover up their tattoos.
Which should fix the problem entirely.
Michael Goodwin is back for some more ObamaHate (patent pending). Two bad for Obama warns us that, as awful as Obama’s first year has been (?), “Year 2 of his reign of error is shaping up as more of the same only worse.” I see what you did there, Michael. Hilarious.
Today’s teeniest piece is Knocking ’em dead, which is reprinted in its entirety below:
“Stephen Colbert was channeling Sarah Palin. Unable to ruffle Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, the TV funnyman smiled sweetly and said: ‘You seem like a very nice person. I hope I get you on my death panel.’”
Can you guess what Goodwin’s intention is here? Is it to make fun of Palin? Colbert? Sebelius? All? None?
That’s the sign of great journalism — when the writer really makes you think.
Hey, Page Six (today on page 10)? The past tense of choose is chose, not choose.
“Sage Grazer, daughter of movie producer Brian Grazer, is a senior at the NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, but she choose a gallery on Melrose Place in LA to house her first show…”
And we learn that Sarah Palin (who ain’t no elitist — she’s a real Amurrican!) was spotted “drinking Perrier-Jouet at the David Burke Townhouse…” You betcha.
Cindy Adams’ column begins and ends with the sentiment “Doesn’t pay to be rich.”
She’s serious, too. She lists all of the horrible things that the wealthy have to deal with (maids who wear shorts! friends who want to borrow money! fussy co-op boards!).
How much longer can you do this, Cindy? And for what reason?
A woman sent her son photos of his 4-year-old relative in her swimsuit. Her son is stationed in Afghanistan and is a soldier in the National Guard.
Spc. Billy Miller is being charged with possession of child pornography and a related charge of “failure to obey an order that troops in Afghanistan not possess pornography.”
The US Army refuses to discuss the case with the soldiers’ parents.
(waves miniature American flag)
Remember the guy (Motty Borger, 24) who jumped to his death (from a balcony at the Avenue Plaza Hotel) two days into his honeymoon? Now folks are saying he was despondent because he had been molested by prominent rabbi Baruch Lebovits, 59 (and that he told his new wife all of the sordid details the day after the wedding).
Lebovits is currently facing charges of molesting other children (the case starts Wednesday).
This is truly a shanda fur die goy.
Charles Hurt reminds us all just how overflowing with shit he is in Mass Dem’s lame attack: My foe’s a GOPer! Basically, he’s saying that Martha Coakley “broke the glass on negative ads last week when she rolled out one on television informing voters — in a scary voice — that Scott is a Republican and that the Republican Party is the very same party that was once headed by George Bush and Dick Cheney.”
“Yet this is what it’s come to: Don’t vote for Scott Brown because look at all the yucky people in his party.
And: Vote for me because look at all the swell people in my party.”
This is the same idiot who (on 1/07/10) penned Abandon ship! Party is sinking which concluded that, since three Democrats weren’t seeking re-election, the entire Democratic Party was irrevocably falling apart. But now, for a Democrat to lump all Republicans together… that’s a sign of weakness.
Have a drink, Charles. Then try and go down those stairs as fast as you can! In heels!
Another EXCLUSIVE.
The FDNY has purged all volunteer ambulances from their emergency 911 system (FDNY’s siren-ara to EMTs).
There are roughly 35 community-run corps of ambulances responding to between 10,000 and 15,000 calls each year. On 1/05/01, the “vollies” were added to the 911 system. Nine years later, they’re being removed.
Feel safer? I sure do.
Another security breach, this time at JFK’s Terminal 8. Jules Paul Bouloute, 57, walked through two “secure” doors, triggering an alarm and forcing the evacuation of thousands of passengers and the grounding of all flights for a few hours. Despite setting off two different alarms by going through two “secure” doors, Bouloute was still able to leave the airport at ground level.
Feel safer? I sure do.
He must be a big Jayson Williams fan.
Charles Jesse Johnson, 40, was being pursued by police as he sped down US Highway 98. He ran a red light. Then he made a left turn, stopped the car and tried to hide in the back seat.
The police (using their incredible detective skills and the fact that no one left the car after it stopped) found Johnson and discovered that “he had seven license suspensions and four revocations on his record.”
Teresa, add Florida back to the list and then cross it off again.
TILA’S 2nd SHOT AT FAME is one of those oddities that pop up in the Post on a regular basis. The Post loves to take the moral high ground against “celebutards” like Paris Hilton and Tila Tequila, claiming that they’re just publicity whores (which they are). And then they give them a ton of publicity.
‘Wifey’ widow Tequila has death grip on spotlight accuses the sub-heading. And what is the new wrinkle in Ms. Tequila’s Fame Prune (patent pending)? She wants to adopt Casey Johnson’s adopted daughter, Ava.
“I think the media are confusing the Tila of 10 years ago with the Tila of today,” laments the attention-grubber who is being given a page and a half of attention by today’s Post. “I haven’t had, like, a major, major project that will make you forget about Shot of Love,” Tequila added, getting the name of her 2007-2008 reality show (which lasted two seasons for some reason) wrong (it was A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila). The show has been off the air for less than two years (not, like, ten).
Some of Tila’s recent tweets: “[Casey's] last wish was to have Ava, have me have Ava. Casey’s not resting in peace right now. She has come to me in my dreams.” and “R.I.P. CASEY NGUYEN … R.I.P. my Angel. That’s the last I will speak of this. Meet me in the Grape Soda Waterfalls in my dream.” and “I was on TV the other day, and [the host] was ready to attack me and make me look like a fool. But after America watched it, I think all of America just fell in love with me again.”
I can’t wait to read more in the Post about how this idiot isn’t worthy of my attention.
Holy shit! An editorial that I actually agree with!
How did Matt Taibbi get published in the New York Post?!?
Kyle Smith gingerly removes his fist from his own ass to write Enquirer’s Edwards story beat beltway scribes at own game. The crux is that the National Enquirer has “rock-solid reporting” and that the mainstream media ignores it at their peril. His shining example of this? The John Edwards scandal (and its coverage in that new book, Game Change).
“Some of the most devastating reporting in [Game Change] is about the six-foot trail of oozing amoebic dysentery formerly known as Sen. John Edwards — and his crazy-ass wife, Elizabeth.”
Stay classy, Kyle.
Lou Lumenick picks the winners of this year’s Golden Globes. The only two surprises (in my humble opinion) are Helen Mirren (The Last Station) for Best Actress – Drama and Michael Stuhlbarg (A Serious Man) for Best Actor – Comedy/Musical. I think Sandra Bullock will win Best Actress – Drama (if not Carey Mulligan) and either Joseph-Gordon Levitt ([500] Days of Summer) or Daniel Day-Lewis (Nine) for Best Actor – Comedy/Musical. Heck, even Matt Damon has a better shot than Stuhlbarg!
(still haven’t seen A Serious Man, but the Golden Globes aren’t about talent — they’re about celebrity, which is why I think Bullock has the best shot at winning)
ASK A HOOKER FOR ADVICE!
Why do men leave their wives or girlfriends when the women are ill? Women take care of men when they’re ill, yet when a woman gets sick, many men can’t get to higher ground fast enough. Some even find girlfriends or a mistress. Why do men shun women during their biggest time of need? — Apres, 27, Chicago
ASHLEY: “As far as a man seeing another woman during this time, he must not know that an orgasm is a pleasant distraction and minimizes pain! The sick person is the one who should be having orgasms all day! That’s the kind of man that I want. I’m taking applications!”
ME: “Is your sister named Auparavant?”
I’ve been dating a girl for six months and I’m starting to fall in love with her. We’re both in our late 20s, but her number of sexual partners irks me — even though I’ve slept with twice as many women. She’s perfect except for her number. I know it’s selfish and a double standard, but I keep thinking about it. — Greg, Westchester
ASHLEY: “This is why I am vehemently opposed to disclosing the number of sexual partners you’ve had.”
ME: “Says the (former?) prostitute.”
After five years of marriage, is a couple ready to swing? — Cindy, 45, Brooklyn
ASHLEY: “Swinging is a pretty big step, but couples that are comfortable enough with their relationship might benefit from the lifestyle because, rather than having affairs, they’re open, honest and ‘playing’ with each other.”
ME: “Only if you and your husband are old, pudgy and creepy (judging by every documentary on swinging I’ve ever seen).”
What are some good opening lines that work on women? — Mike, 47, Staten Island
ASHLEY: “Honesty works best. I like wit and someone who’s confident and charming. Take control. Walk over, look into her eyes, and in a slow, sexy, calm, confident voice say, ‘I’m sorry, I noticed you when you walked in. I think you’re beautiful. Do you mind if I buy you a drink?’ Or say, ‘If you’re meeting your boyfriend, I apologize. I just needed to come over and talk to you.’ By then, she’s either interested and says yes, or says that she’s waiting for her boyfriend. If she’s meeting her boyfriend, then say, ‘Lucky guy. But OK. I respect that. I just needed to come and introduce myself. Something about you intrigued me. If things ever change, here’s my card. I hope you use it.’ If it were me, at that point, something about you would intrigue me.”
ME: “I can afford to pay you for sex, Ms. Dupre, despite your non-competitive pricing.”
I hope the Jets lose, if for no other reason than I’m tired of seeing their morbidly obese coach in the paper every day. Rex Ryan looks like he has a family of six under his shirt.
And that’s Sunday. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day, so I get to sleep in with my Mrs. But I’ll still make time for you crazy kids, too.
Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, peeps!
I had a lovely day with my lovely day being lovely. And then I remembered the four of you.
So, for your benefit, here is today’s Post (translated into coherence).
But first, I have this great idea for a sketch — James Cameron starts showing investors his ideas for future CGI-heavy projects (Abe Lincoln biopic, remake of The Parallax View) and it becomes clear that the CGI he invented is contingent on everyone being a 10′ blue cat-thing.
OK, maybe “great” was the wrong word.
Is Scott Brown going to win Ted Kennedy’s seat? He has Rudy 9iu11ani stumping for him, his challenger (Martha Coakley, previously assumed to win in a landslide) has Bill Clinton stumping for her. Says Brown, “She’s entitled to bring whoever she wants to bring, but I’ll tell you what. Mayor 9iu11ani, Bill Clinton — I’m right where I want to be.”
Which I take to mean that he prefers 9iu11ani over Clinton. Which should be grounds for disqualification.
There’s a photo on page 3 of all of the “Miracle on the Hudson” survivors aboard a ferry (were it me, I’d avoid the Hudson — and possibly air travel — for the rest of my life, but that’s just me), all raising their glasses in a toast to, um, not being dead.
The photo caption claims the passengers are “down[ing] Grey Goose vodka” and the article (TOAST TO SURVIVAL) begins, “They raised a toast to life yesterday afternoon with glasses of vodka named for the bird that nearly killed them.”
Just about everyone in the photo is holding a glass of beer.
“I know,” lamented the author when I called him, “but I’d already written the article before the photo was taken. It’s New York Post policy.”
Fun facts: Prior to the earthquake, Haiti had roughly 3 doctors for every 10,000 Haitians, and the average life expectancy was 53. Oh, and the second-leading cause of death was “diarrheal illnesses.”
OK, maybe “fun” was the wrong word.
There will be a telethon on January 22nd at 8:00 p.m. for Haitian earthquake victims. It will air on ABC, CBS, Fox, CNN, BET, the CW, HBO, MTV, VH1, CMT and (surprisingly, NBC).
The surprise comes from the fact that NBC usually waits until 10:00 p.m. to broadcast disasters.
SCANDAL!!!1!
Those vegetables that the celebrity chefs used in the White House Iron Chef of America special? The ones that supposedly came from the White House garden?
They were stand-ins! That miserable Communaziocialist Michelle Obama LIED!!!
The “spin” that the Liberal media is putting on the story is that they had to use stand-ins because the actual challenge was filmed a week after the White House portion was filmed, but there are also rumors that all of the White House garden’s bounty was donated to a local food kitchen in October.
Well, which is it Fraü Obama?
I was afraid of this.
“Conan O’Brien staffers are furious that they’re losing their Tonight Show jobs while O’Brien walks away from the fiasco with $30,000,000, sources tell Page Six… ‘The production team feels betrayed,’ one source said.”
I hope this isn’t true. I’ve read elsewhere that one of the conditions in Conan’s “exit package” is that his staff is “taken care of.”
I hope it is. The thought of people moving their whole family to Los Angeles and not being compensated by NBC (or Conan) makes me ill.
We shall see…
If you liked [your chances of entering Bristol Palin's vagina], then you’ll have to put a ring on [Bristol Palin's ring finger].
“I’m not going to have sex until I’m married. I can guarantee it,” said the dimwit whose DNA precludes her from seeing anything through to completion. This quote comes from the new In Touch Weekly cover story/interview that she and her ever dimmer-witted mother were paid $100,000 to give (the whole affair, including the photo shoot, took eight hours — and was done at the Palin’s home).
This, my friends, is why she quit being governor. This, my friends, is better serving the people of Alaska… and America.
(wipes tear of joy/cerebral palsy from eye)
There’s another MTA bus line that’s being discontinued — but this time I’m all for it.
The X25 bus is an express bus from Grand Central Terminal to Wall Street.The estimated number of riders it serves each (business) day?
Twenty (20).
Estimated cost per rider? $80.
War criminals. That’s what they all are.
Nicolas Cage has to pay another $14,000,000 in federal taxes (in addition to the liens on his many properties and the $6,700,000 he owes in 2008 taxes).
Looks like National Treasure 3 is a go!
The Arenas/Crittenton story is amended (again!).
During the December 19th card game (on a plane!), Arenas threatened to “burn [Crittenton's Cadillac Escalade]“ or “shoot him in the face.” Crittenton countered that he would “shoot the fuck out of Arenas” and “shoot Arenas in his [surgically-repaired knee].”
Two days later, Arenas placed “a Browning 9mm pistol, a 45-caliber semi-automatic Kimber Eclipse, a 50-caliber Desert Eagle and a 500 Magnum Smith & Wesson revolver” on Crittenton’s chair along with a note that read “PICK 1.“
“What’s this?” asked Crittenton.
“You said you were going to shoot me, so pick one,” Arenas replied.
This rest of the story remains as is (for now). This is a horrible newspaper.
A Lebanese man was busted by Malaysian police. He had $66,000,000 in counterfeit U.S. currency.
What tipped them off (no pun intended)?
He left a $500 bill as a tip when he checked out of his hotel.
Teresa, cross Lebanon off the list.
Dominic Carter’s attorneys are trying to get him released pending his appeal. The judge said not “until at least Tuesday.”
The judge must really wants Carter to read that Matt Damon article.
John “Junior” Gotti! Now that the feds say they’ll stop trying to convict you on all of those pesky racketeering charges, what are you going to do?
Become a children’s book author.
Fuggeduhboudit.
Seriously, Junior. Please forget about it.
The only thing worse than reading Michael Goodwin’s hate-nonsense? Reading the mail that people write, praising his courage and brilliance.
One mouth-breather (Joe DePascale of Brooklyn) implores New Yorkers to “vote this do-nothing president out of office.” I thought the problem was that he’s doing too much? No?
The Nets lost 121-105 last night.
They are now 3-36.
Holy Christ, that’s a bad record.
In other Nets news, the Nets traded Eduardo Najera for Kris Humphries and Shawne Williams on Monday.
Yesterday (at 2:54 p.m.), the Nets waived Williams (“he was way out of shape and we didn’t really like what we saw,” said Kiki Vandeweghe). At 3:16 p.m., Williams was booked on eight drug charges (he turned himself in).
Go Nets!
Great job, E!
The network that occasionally reminds us it’s still there has beaten VH1 to the why-the-fuck-does-that-person-have-a-TV-show punch! Pretty Wild will follow three teenaged sisters in Hollywood! Viewers will get to see them, um, be teenagers! In Hollywood! And if the names Tess Taylor, Gabrielle Neiers and Alexis Neiers don’t ring a bell, that’s OK. The only fame the family has (thus far) is that Alexis was one of the teen burglars that robbed Orlando Bloom and Lindsay Lohan. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is totes pretty wild.
And I am pretty tired. G’night!
The little girl (2 years old? 3? 4?) who lives upstairs just barreled down the stairs singing/screaming the chorus of Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” over and over again. How does that happen? I mean, I catch myself humming Bon Jovi songs every now and then, but that’s because they were popular when I was in high school. Who in their right mind would introduce a child to Bon Jovi in 2010?
I may have to call Child Services.
Also, my wife is better than your wife. Disagree? Well, ask yourself this: Did your wife bake you a pie last night? No? I rest my case.
B’also, the DVD screener parade continues in my mailbox. Thus far, I have received: Up in the Air, Precious, Julie & Julia and An Education. And I would trade them all for Up. But I can’t watch any of them now (I can only watch crappy horror movies or Jersey Shore while I write, lest I get distracted by something interesting). I saw Invictus the other day and the best thing I can say about it is that I don’t seem to have brought any bedbugs home from the Pavilion. That said, this movie (despite a solid cast) is poorly written and insanely boring. Will you learn about rugby? No. Will you chuckle every time Matt Damon tries to sound South African? Prolly. This is a by-the-numbers Hollywood movie where the Jerome isn’t so much Magic as he is Charming. Which doesn’t mean that Freeman won’t get a nomination.
Today’s cover has some Jets propaganda (apparently, they’re going to roar into SD, set to bash Bolts) and a somber headshot of Dominic Carter (NY1 star jailed), but the bulk of the cover goes to Mr. Obama ($ICK DEAL – Unions will dodge O’s health tax).
Apparently, the unions will be exempt (until 2018) from Obama’s “Cadillac tax” on high-cost health plans. The Post is outraged. How dare he gain political capital through negotiations! Where’s Lieberman?
In more whining-about-Obama news, Mayor Bloomberg took some time off of his war on salt to warn New Yorkers that Obama’s bank tax will bring about the collapse of New York’s financial sector.
“If you want to see what happens to a city when their major industry fails, take a look at Detroit.”
He’s right — Eminem’s last album wasn’t very good.
The FBI is unveiling a new digital billboard in Times Square (near the TKTS booth!) “displaying a rogues’ gallery of the most-wanted murderers, rapists, bank robbers, drug dealers and Wall Street scammers.” It will also feature “the faces of missing or kidnapped men, women and children.”
The fun will be in trying to guess which is which.
He Pingping, 21, is 2′ 5″ tall. Sultan Kosen, 27, is 8′ 1″ tall. One is the world’s smallest man, the other is the world’s tallest man. And, for the first time in history (since the last time this happened), THEY MET EACH OTHER! And there’s a photo in the paper today of that meeting (DON’T STEP ON ME!), which the Post describes as “the Mutt and Jeff meeting.”
The fun will be in trying to figure out what that means.
CRYING SHAME OF JAILED NY1 JOURNO shows a weeping Dominic Carter as he is led out of the courtroom he was sentenced (to 30 days) in. He was also ordered to “stay away from his wife Marilyn for two years.”
What that means is that Dominic and Marilyn can communicate via telephone only — until such time as Dominic is “prescribed medication by a psychiatrist able to assure the judge that Carter is well enough to see her.”
Justice Arnold Etelson scolded Dominic (“She’s not a ‘dumb project bitch.’ When are you going to wake up?”) and (I swear I’m not making this up) “gave Carter a photocopy of a New York magazine article about Matt Damon that cited the actor’s views on honesty and humility.”
There is now legal precedent — a judge can order you to be more like Matt Damon! What a country!
A new state report claims that the MTA lost $100,000,000 in the first 10 months of 2009 because of the recession.
Bullpoopies.
Maybe it has less to do with Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli’s claim that “people don’t commute when they’re unemployed” and more to do with the fact that the MTA is charging commuters more money for less service. Or that most stations no longer have station agents and stabbings are on the rise. Or that people (with and without jobs) are buying bicycles as a “fuck you” to the MTA.
And maybe the MTA will read this data and decide that they need to combat it with another fare hike (that’s as safe a bet as you’ll ever see).
Is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend (Bar Refaeli) avoiding military service? An Israeli general says yes and has called for a boycott of every product she endorses.
What does she endorse? Victoria’s Secret? Does the general really want Israeli women to boycott Victoria’s Secret? Is he gay?
Congratulations, Jay Leno! You got the 11:30 -12:30 time slot back after defecating all over the 10:00-11:00 one!
I like Conan’s take on Jeff Zucker’s threat to keep him off the air for 3 1/2 years: “If NBC doesn’t want people to see me, just leave me on NBC.”
Do not watch the new (old) Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Not out of curiosity, not ironically. Do not support NBC monetarily or otherwise.
Except 30 Rock. Watch that.
Sarah Palin, James Cameron and Lady Gaga will all be on Oprah today.
The fun will be in trying to figure out which is which.
Page Six (today on page 12) has a “section” called Sightings that lets you know where celebrities have been sighted around town. Among today’s list is “Al Gore enlarging his carbon footprint with Peking duck at Philippe.”
I wonder if it was the previous POTUS that was sighted if the item would’ve read “George W. Bush sentencing innocent American soldiers to death for no good reason with Peking duck at Philippe.”
State senators have demanded a “quick vote” on whether or not to fire Hiram Monserrate. Monserrate, of course, has vowed to take it to court (if necessary).
“The people of this district, and only them, they are my bosses,” chirped the gigantic tool.
Say goodbye, Hiram. Next up: Espada.
Mayor Bloomberg is angry at that judge who found the FDNY guilty of “intentional” racial discrimination.
Trans fats, Obama, salt, cigarettes, soda, judges… is there anything Bloomberg isn’t angry at?
Kareem Bellamy was convicted of murder on 1995 and sentenced to 25 years to life.
His attorneys found “new evidence” in 2008 and the Supremem Court vacated the conviction and ordered a new trial.
Some of that “new evidence” — including a tape of someone else confessing to the murder — has been proven false. It was deliberately faked. So, prosecutors asked the state to reinstate the conviction and send Bellamy back to prison.
That same Supreme Court Justice… refused.
Kareem Bellamy, 42, currently remains a free man. But the man he killed, James Abbott, is currently remains.
Bill O’Reilly’s Why Sarah Scares ‘Em So is a fawning and dubious puff piece about how wonderful Sarah Palin is. And anyone who thinks differently?
“If you guys are so smart, how come your ratings are softer than Jell-O?”
Hear that, kids? According to Mr. O’Reilly, Two and a Half Men is the funniest show on TV, Thriller is the best album ever made, and Avatar and Titanic are the two greatest movies of all time. Case closed!
Really, guys? Taxing banks an extra 0.15% is going to destroy our financial institutions? Really? That’s what’s got everyone’s panties in a bunch?
Movie Reviews!
Lou Lumenick gives The Book of Eli two and a half stars (“‘Book’ a real page-turner with Denzel in action”).
Kyle Smith gives The Spy Next Door one star (He’s Bland, James Bland). And that’s despite the combined star power of Jackie Chan and Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez!
V.A. Musetto gives Mine two stars (there’s no Asian nudity) and Asian B-movie House three and a half stars (“[there's] even a little upskirt action”). Yes, he really said that.
The Nets have another “game” tonight! Will they become 4-35 or 3-36?
Either way, they are horrible.
We’re months away from Opening Day, but the Mets are already hurting. Carlos Beltran (and his agent, Scott “The Man Who Destroyed Baseball” Boras) insist that the Mets knew he was having surgery. The Mets disagree. In fact, they say, they told Boras to tell Beltran to hold off on the surgery and Boras called back to tell them that the surgery was already finished — and that he had no idea that it was scheduled for that day.
Good luck in 2010, Mets.
Weekend!
Once again, Dog Court dominated in the Magnet Inferno and so, once again, I will be in the cheap seats rooting for them this Sunday at 9:30 p.m. at the Magnet Theater. It’s $5 and worth your time (but only if you promise to vote for Dog Court).
Beyond that, I plan on chilling with my pie-making wife (I was going to say “wifey” but Tila Tequila has forever ruined that word for me).
Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow.
For the record, I am glad that people are donating money to Haiti. My heart goes out to everyone there who was/is affected by the recent quake. My point was, if people started posting status updates on Facebook asking people to text $10 to displaced Americans, I don’t think they’d get half the responders that the Haiti folks are getting. And I find that odd.
’specially since patriotism is so gosh-darned important, you betcha.
(as Chuck Woolery) Building off the letter “h” in “Pat Robertson’s religious hate speech,” this is a four-letter word on the front page of today’s Post.
HELL
Half-million feared dead in Haiti quake
For the first time since the early days of the Tiger Woods scandal, the Post has six pages of follow-up (6-11) for their cover story. The photos are heartbreaking (accompanying headlines like SHANTYTOWN’S A CITY OF THE DEAD and Aftershocks turn songs to screams really help drive the point home, thanks).
The things that Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh have been saying about Haiti are extremely hate-y, but what do you expect from those demagogues? Compassion?
I was going to make a joke about how I hope the next wave of MLB prospects weren’t hurt by the quake, but it’s too soon.
Fun fact: Legal immigrants make up 43% of NYC’s total work force and account for 32% of the city’s economic activity (or $200,000,000,000). They also make up 87% of cabbies/chauffeurs, 83% of maids/housekeepers, 79% of food-preparation workers, 77% of cooks, and 68% of dry cleaners/nail salons.
My guess is that the rest of those positions are filled by illegal immigrants.
Brooklyn federal judge Nicholas Garaufis has ruled that the FDNY has — for decades — discriminated against “blacks and other minorities.”
That means that the “thousands of minority FDNY applicants who did not get hired” will now have a good shot at winning monetary damages from the city. Which is already billions in debt.
Thanks, your honor.
Remember when Dominic Carter got all those handled-with-kid-gloves stories in the Post about how he’s on the road to being a better person? NY1 axes wife-beat reporter signals the end of that love affair (and the end of Carter’s tenure at NY1 — he had been “on leave” since October).
Godspeed, Dom.
The top-earning celebrity couple (from June 2008 to June 2009) was… Jay-Z and Beyoncé with $122,000,000. And the runners-up? This surprised even me — Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart ($69,000,000). Brangelina made $55,000,000 and the (Pinkett) Smiths made $48,000,000.
Whither TomKat? #8 ($33,500,000) between Jim Carrey/Jenny McCarthy ($34,000,000) and Chris Martin/Gwyneth Paltrow ($33,000,000).
The horse and her gay husband ranked #10 with $29,000,000.
Proving that he has eyes that work, Andrew Cuomo has discovered “extensive evidence” of “wrongdoing” and “graft” in his investigation of Senator Pedro Espada, Jr.
Little things like how, in 2007, Espada took a $270,000/year janitorial contract (for his “not-for-profit” health-care clinic) and switched it to Espada Management Company — for $396,000/year. And how he then used a big chunk of that money to pay his campaign expenses.
Espada is refusing to comply with subpoenas. Please, Andy, put this scumbag in prison and I will personally see to it that you are our next governor.
Oh, Albany. You so shameful.
“Legislators who hold lucrative posts with law firms would be exempt from disclosing their clients under an ethics-reform proposal announced yesterday by Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and Senate Democratic Leader John Sampson — both of whom are lawyers. The loophole was cited by civic groups and other critics as a fatal flaw in legislation that would otherwise amount to Albany’s most sweeping ethics overhaul in two decades.”
Do as I say, not as I do.
Hey, Heidi Montag! Do you think your new album will “prove to be as timeless as Michael Jackson’s Thriller?”
“I definitely do.”
Good luck with that, Heidi.
Federal prosecutors say they will not retry John “Junior” Gotti a fifth time.
Congratulations, Junior! I guess the fourth time was the charm!
Mandrea!
We know how she feels about Letterman (she hates him a whole lot), but what of Conan? She lets us know with the economically-worded Conan doesn’t rate our pity.
“Stop whining! Conan O’Brien is a fabulously wealthy, incredibly lucky (and unfunny) man who’s carrying on as if the world owes him TV time at 11:35 p.m. It’s about the ratings, stupid. If Conan can’t deliver, move to midnight. Or, don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out.”
The world? No, the world owes him nothing. His contract with NBC, however, does owe him “TV time at 11:35.”
She talks about a lot of other things (in an equally absurd fashion), but out of deference to all of my friends being affected by NBC’s total incompetence/Leno-humping, I’ll just bid Mandrea a horrible day and move on.
Bitch.
Jay Leno’s rep scoffed at the suggestion that Jay is taking all of his recent criticism personally.
“It’s entertainment value. Jay’s job is to make fun of the news. When he’s the subject of the news, wouldn’t it be hypocritical . . . to complain about people making fun of him? All he asks is that it be funny.”
Yet another example of “do as I say, not as I do.”
Why didn’t I think of that (open circle with a dot in the middle)?
A firm in Mount Clemens, Michigan has released software that includes a new punctuation sign: the sarcmarc.
It’s “an open circle with a dot in the middle” which lets readers know that the author is being sarcastic.
No word yet as to whether or not the creator of 
plans on suing.
Gilbert Arenas is looking for a plea deal that would allow him to avoid prison.
If the negotiations fall through, he faces up to 20 years in prison.
I don’t think he deserves jail time. So long as he never gets another penny to play professional basketball.
Poor Jason Barry.
The 17-year-old thought it would be funny to write a letter on one of the computers at the Apple Store in the Staten Island Mall on Monday. The letter, which he credited to his friend’s father, discussed the author’s desire to inflict “bloody death” by detonating a bomb in the store.
After he was arrested, Barry claimed that he meant to erase the letter but forgot to.
Poor Jason Barry.
The bodyguard for the No. 3 leader of al Qaeda was killed recently in a US drone attack along the Afghan-Pakistan border last Saturday.
So, whoever had Mahmoud Mahdi Zeidan in the dead pool, you just won $207.
There are seven letters in today’s reader mail section, all in reference to Kyle Smith’s Sunday article FAT CHANCE.
Most of them are angry (“[the article] is full of such vitriol that it absolutely crosses the line from opinion to hate-mongering” and “Shame on you, Smith, for your mean-spirited small-mindedness”), but there’s one that praises Smith’s courage.
“Smith’s extremely well-written commentary, ‘Fat Chance,’ is excellent. Congratulations on such a fine job telling it as it is. ‘Suffering from obesity’? Indeed.” The author of this letter? Dr. Elizabeth M. Whelan, President of the American Council on Science and Health in Manhattan.
I was thinking that maybe Liz meant to include a sarcmarc, but then I looked into who the ACSH is.
http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=American_Council_on_Science_and_Health
Indeed indeed.
Michael Barone writes one of the most asinine editorials I’ve seen in months (Obama Lovers vs. the Tea-Party Crew), which states “The Obama enthusiasts who dominated so much of the 2008 campaign cycle were motivated by style. The tea-party protesters who dominated so much of 2009 were motivated by substance.”
He continues, snarking that Obama Lovers “swooned at Barack Obama’s rhetoric” and “seem to have been motivated by a yearning for a rapturous, nuanced leader. Send that terrible tyrant with his tortured sentences and moral certitude back to Texas and install The One in the White House, and all would be well. The Obama enthusiasts have achieved that goal — and perhaps it’s not surprising that, as polls show, they’re not much engaged in the details of the health-care bills or cap-and-trade legislation or looming tax increases and the like. They, or at least most of them, were never much interested in those things anyway.”
Whereas the tea-party protestors “are interested in substantive political issues.”
And, to be fair, sending that Communist Socialist Nazi Obama bin Laden back to Kenya.
The richest sports franchise in the world? Manchester United (worth $1,870,000,000). Next up, the Dallas Cowboys ($1,650,000,000) followed by the Washington Redskins ($1,550,000,000).
The Yankees are in fourth place ($1,500,000,000). Which means that if A-Rod died today, his unpaid salary would go back to the franchise and they’d be ranked third (or would it be second?).
Remember that week after Jason Bay signed on that Mets fans were optimistic?
Well, that was fun. Carlos Beltran has decided (against the wishes of the Mets) to have surgery on his right knee. Will Beltran be able to play in 2010?
Possibly!
The Nets lost again (111-87).
3-35.
Dear Lord, that’s just awful.
Lou Dobbs has promised that he won’t be running for office.
I can only hope that that promise is legally binding.
That’ll do for today. Tip your waitstaff.
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