Archive for January, 2010
Boy, watching Sarah Palin on The O’Reilly Factor is difficult to do. One of the first words she used in her new position as a Fox News analyst? “Uncomfortable… ness.”
O’Reilly just laughed at the prospect of CNN reporting on health care. After Palin praised Fox for their “fair and balanced” news coverage. Then she said that there is no excuse for what Harry Reid said about Obama (who she thinks is destroying this great country, you betcha). And then she explained why we need to go to war with Iran. Don’t forget Yemen, Sarah!
By the by, Sarah and Bill, not knowing “why there is a North and South Korea” is not the same as knowing that there is a North and South Korea. And not knowing “the nature of your son’s mission in Iraq” isn’t “a bunch of crap” that “the rest of American doesn’t care about.”
And Bill proposed that Palin might run on “The Tea Party Ticket” in 2012. And Sarah demured that she just might do it.
Both of these people need to start falling down stairs. And never stop.
Conan O’Brien and Barack Obama share the cover. CONAN NIXES ‘TONIGHT’ SHIFT (Show stopper) is the smaller piece, leaving more room for Dear Mr. President, WHY DO YOU HATE US? I wish I were kidding. Obama’s disdain for New Yorkers will be examined in Michael Goodwin’s column on page 7. I can’t wait. Actually I can, so let’s see what’s in the paper before that.
Page 2 makes fun of Comptroller John Liu — for the fourth or fifth consecutive day — in Screwy King Liuy tongue-tied; mocks the Working Families Party — who supported Mr. Liu — in ‘Trying’ time for WFP; and throws the Post’s support behind Harold Ford Jr.’s run for the Senate (Go ahead, Harold). Mind you, the paper isn’t supporting Ford — they’re supporting his becoming a candidate, which will lead to more in-fighting in the Democratic Party and further embarrassment for Obama, who is supporting Gillibrand.
“Governor” Paterson’s 15-year-old son, Alex, has been arrested for shooting craps for money (with his fellow Beacon School students) and for having a debit card in his wallet that didn’t belong to him. Another student “mouthed off” to the police as they arrested Alex and he, too, was taken into custody.
Alex and the other student are Black. The three other students shooting craps (they were playing “Cee-lo”) who were let go are all White.
No snake eyes, no peace.
Some science-talkin’ folks at Oxford University claim that “pear-shaped” women have a lower risk of heart and metabolic diseases.
When reached for comment, Kyle Smith whined, “but they’re lazy and ugly!”
A magnitude-7.0 earthquake hit Haiti yesterday. I was going to make a joke about how hard it is to tell which areas were affected by the quake and which always look like that, but it’s too soon.
I do find it odd, however, how many people are tripping over themselves to send money to Haiti — when millions of their fellow countrymen are losing their homes (to banks, not earthquakes).
Dan Rather’s lawsuit against CBS has been laid to rest. Rather, 77, is expected to follow shortly.
Here’s Goodwin.
He calls Comptroller John Liu “King Wacky” in Comptrol freak’s a real Liu-Liu. In Hey, O, terror takes no holiday, he writes “The president, of course, is in no position to complain. Doing a good imitation of Punxsutawney Phil, he stayed hidden in his Hawaii hole until a perfunctory appearance on Dec 28. He then went back to more golf and tennis until after New Year’s Day.”
And again I ask where his outrage was when Bush took 6 days of hiding at his ranch in Crawford. And then went back to letting his war criminal buddy, Dick, run the country.
But, as promised, it’s Goodwin’s cover story that resonates most. NY gave Bam our love — but he despises us begins, “It’s enough to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love New York. OK, let me be clear: The president of the United States hates us.”
“President” should be capitalized, right? B’also, Goodwin actually says that the POTUS “hates” and “despises” American citizens? Really? Are New Yorkers stupid enough to believe that?
“The only hitch is that New Yorkers aren’t as smart and tough as everybody thinks. Our savvy pugnacity is an urban legend.”
Oh, my God! Michael Goodwin hates and despises New Yorkers!!!
When O’Reilly and Palin fall down those stairs, I hope Goodwin is in their path.
Remember that lady who said that David Copperfield (the illusionist, not the novel) raped her on his private island?
After a 2-year investigation, no charges have been filed. The allegations… disappeared!
Meanwhile, Doug Henning continues to solicit sex from passers-by on his private puddle of urine somewhere in Midtown.
New Jersey’s Legislature wants to legalize medical marijuana, but doesn’t want New Jersians (or whatever they call themselves) to be able to grow that marijuana. Apparently, they’re afraid that pot would become their main industry, displacing Aqua Net and misery.
Charles Hurt has a nice tiny piece about how a Democrat’s TV ad in Massachusetts features “a picture of [Rush] Limbaugh, appearing to give a Nazi salute.”
Wait… now you’re against using Nazi imagery as short-hand for “I don’t agree with this person’s policies”? Like, what Limbaugh has been doing to Obama since before he was elected?
(plays harmonica solo from Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changin’”)
Brad Ferro (the guy who punched “Snooki” in the face on Jersey Shore) is being fired by the Department of Education.
Hmmm… firing someone for punching a woman in the face… that sounds like a great idea…
… wouldn’t you agree, Hiram Monserrate?
A report is due in the next few days that will recommend that Monserrate be censured and expelled. Monserrate has vowed that, even if that happens, he won’t give up his seat.
His lawyer, Joseph Tacopina (Spanish for “penis that smells like tacos”), is 100% behind his client (because he’s afraid to stand in front of him).
An NYU professor jumped from his 16th-floor apartment (owned by NYU) to his death last night. His wife had recently given birth to preemie twins.
What is it with NYU and suicides?
The MTA is considering rerouting the B77 bus to make stops along the B75 route (which they are terminating).
It damn well better.
Cybill Shepherd’s son (Cyrus Shepherd-Oppenheim, 22) was arrested after a cross-country flight, during which time he was allegedly going through other passengers’ carry-ons and stealing some of their things.
The TSA responded by banning all carry-on luggage.
Linda Stasi’s SIMON’S A BITTER QUITTER is an anamoly.
“Simon Cowell can declare once a day, every day, for the next year that he didn’t know he was quitting American Idol until the day before the ninth-season debut last night. But you’d have to be Ray Charles not to have seen in the first two minutes of the opener that the guy was lying like a Tiger Woods‘ mistress.”
That would be an excellent way of starting an article, Linda, if the Post hadn’t run an article on Mr. Cowell yesterday that included this: “‘I said years ago that I was going to leave at the end of this contract period,’ Cowell told reporters in Pasadena, Calif. ‘Everyone thought I was negotiating. I was not.’”
Linda Stasi can declare that she’s not an idiot once a day, every day, for the next year, but you’d have to be Linda Stasi to not see what an idiot Linda Stasi is.
From Cindy Adams’ latest: “I had a tooth pulled. Yesterday, brushing the temp, it fell on the floor. Being extremely brilliant, I boiled the thing to make it germ-free. The phone rang. The water boiled out. Adhering to the bottom of the pot, the plastic tooth disintegrated — never ever to be dislodged. Please, do not anyone ask me to smile until next Wednesday.”
Lady, how many signs from God will it take? Also, where were you brushing your teeth that the tooth fell on the floor and not in the sink?
Get in.
Fun fact: that gun buy-back program in the Bronx? This year, you can get $50 for every airgun or BB gun you bring in (maximum payout: $150). According to the Post, “BB guns retail for between $40 and $60.”
Anybody feel like making $30 through arms trafficking?
I’ll never condone murdering a cartoonist for drawing something (or the newspaper that published said cartoon), but I totally see how one might.
Hamas’ TV station aired a 6-minute pilot A Special Mission that featured (according to the caption in the Post) “a giant-nosed Jewish villain slaughtering kids as a Palestinian Authority cop does nothing.” It was a big hit. It got picked up.
But, as disgusting as it is to read about this (and the fact that the sub-head of TOON IN TO HATE is Hamas kiddie TV’s ‘blood-drinking Jews’ — despite there being no mention of the blood-drinking anywhere in the accompanying article), the full-color 1/3-of-a-page photo is worse. The Post cropped it substantially in uploading it to their website, but it’s all I could find. Don’t look at the photo below if you have a weak stomach.
I guess the drop of blood on the chin of the pointy-eared feminine Uzi-toting Jew is where they got the blood-drinking from. Thanks for spreading the propaganda, guys.
It’s like every day the Post tries to out-shitty themselves. And they almost always do.
An editorial on how Obama should butt out of the Gillibrand-Ford race? Oh man! I did not see that coming!
Maggie Gallagher puts down her giant tub of Edy’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup ice cream just long enough to complain that health-care reform will weaken marriage because married people would have to pay $1,500 more in taxes (if each person makes $25,000/year) and so many people won’t get married. To save $750.
So, gays can’t get married because it is a sacred institution that must be respected and faggotry is disrespectful, but it’s so meaningless that heterosexuals would prefer $750 to marrying the person they love? That seems… disrespectful to the sanctity of marriage.
“Durdle.”
The Nets (3-34) play the Celtics (26-10) tonight.
I can’t wait!
The Yankees claim that the only money they have left to spend on a left-fielder for the 2010 season is $2,000,000.
Poor Johnny Damon.
I just found out that nine (9) different candidates in Vermont are pushing for secession.
Aw, man… Texas and South Carolina stay and Vermont goes?
Boo.
Happy Hump Day!
I was lying on my side and a Russian man put a gag in my mouth, warning me that I might hear a buzzing in my ear.
Then I woke up in one of the doctor’s offices sitting upright across from a neon coconut tree (that last part, sadly, wasn’t a hallucination). I tried to imagine how I was transported from the adjoining room but, as with a great magic trick, decided that not knowing how it was done was preferable.
Even now, hours later, I’m a little woozy (I had no trouble getting home; I just have a mild hangover). So if what follows veers off into odd tangents and gibberish… I may have a shot at replacing Cindy Adams (any… day… now).
Same-sex marriage? Hells no. Medical marijuana? Hells yeah! So says New Joisey, making it the 14th state to legalize medical marijuana.
Will New Jersey become overrun with dispensaries, as was the case in California? And, if so, does anyone want to go in on a bookstore/dispensary/second-hand store in whatever part of New Jersey is closest to New York?
The Post seems to think that the Jets’ run for the Super Bowl is being overshadowed by Tila Tequila (TV TART TILA NO JET PET: Loony star’s cloud hangs over playoff game). And to prove it, they put her (and a rehashing of her epic romance-gone-bad story featuring San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman) on page 3.
Fun fact: In her lawsuit against him (which was later dismissed), Tequila claimed that Merriman “sleeps with minors and forces them to take drugs.”
Sad fact: Tequila has “written” a “self-help” “book” called Hooking Up with Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party and it will almost certainly be published.
Horrifying fact: When that United Airlines plane was coming in for its not-so-much-a-crash-as-a-skid landing on Sunday, the radio system that the rescue crews were using went dead.
By the time they switched to using their cellphones, the plane had already landed.
Well, at least plane tickets are getting more expensive and it takes longer to get through security.
Charles Cooper, one of the attorneys representing the sponsors of Proposition 8, is arguing that “it’s impossible to know the impact of gay marriage on traditional marriage because the practice is so new.”
I tried to find it online, but (surprise surprise) the FDA website is hard to navigate. But when I was in college, I believe drug companies are given 7 years to sell their product while the FDA investigates whether or not the drug does what they claim.
Which means that, once again, drug companies are given more protection under the law than actual human beings.
(waves miniature Pfizer flag)
It’s like having a death panel in your DNA!
Researchers have found a genetic mutation that they believe predicts which men will have aggressive prostate cancer “and said it might help doctors choose who needs treatment and who does not.”
ACORN!!!!
Just found this on nypost.com. It’s Conan O’Brien’s reply to NBC.
People of Earth:
In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.
Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.
But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.
Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.
So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.
There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.
Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.
Yours,
Conan
Well said, Conan.
Anthony Marshall doesn’t have to go to prison while he appeals his convinction, thanks to some idiot judge.
Marshall is currently 85. He will die before setting foot in another courtroom, let alone a jail cell.
Especially if his wife has anything to say about it…
Harold Ford Jr. got a big chunk of the cover and most of page 5. In an EXCLUSIVE, Ford announces his intention to run for a seat in the Senate. And sets the record straight. Ish.
“I am pro-choice — have always been since I entered politics almost 15 years ago. My cumulative grade with NARAL during 10 years in Congress was right at 80 percent. Any assertions to the contrary are false.”
And yet, NARAL is the group that posted this on YouTube:
“And from the moment I arrived in Congress, I supported civil unions. Like New York’s senior senator, after listening to and participating in the national conversation about full equality and fairness, I support same-sex marriage.”
Oh hello, internet! What’s that? Ford didn’t seem so gay-friendly in 2006?
I could count on one hand the number of politicians that don’t make me nauseous. And I’d be able to snap with the leftover fingers.
Gerard Wall claims that he went to the Hustler Club on 12/12/08. He says he had two drinks and was led into a private room by one of the girls for a lap dance (for $300, he was told). He gave her his American Express card “and says he doesn’t know what happened [for 90 minutes] after that.”
His AmEx bill included a $21,620.60 charge at the Hustler Club.
Larry Flynt commented but I couldn’t understand a word of it.
Please please please tell me that Richard Heene’s latest claims that he didn’t actually perpetrate a hoax nullifies his plea bargain and he will get man-touched by his block-mates for the next twenty years. Please.
Guess how much Simon Cowell was offered for Season 10 of American Idol. For just one more season. Go on, guess.
$140,000,000.
Let’s hope that money finds its way to Conan O’Brien and his staff.
Yesterday I learned that John Malkovich was signed to play The Vulture in Spider-Man 4.
Later on, I learned that Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi have quit and the series is getting a “reboot.”
Remember Ang Lee’s Hulk? Got rebooted five years later. The Punisher got rebooted four years later. And four years after the release of Spider-Man 3, Marvel’s most popular cinematic franchise is starting over with a whole new cast — and Peter Parker in high school.
Will this be Marvel’s “Ultimate” mistake?
Thanks, Page Six (today on page 13)! A photo of MTA board member Nancy Shevell with a shirtless Paul McCartney on a beach in the Caribbean? Awesome! I get to see one of the people screwing me and every other straphanger in town escort her 90-year-old ex-Beatle grandmother on a lovely trip — in full color!
The next time I see someone peeing in/on the subway, I’ll think of this wonderful photograph.
Oliver Stone said, “Hitler is an easy scapegoat . . . We can’t judge people as only bad or good. [Hitler] is the product of a series of actions . . . People in America don’t know the connection between WWI and WWII.” He continued, “I’ve been able to walk in [Soviet butcher Josef] Stalin’s shoes and Hitler’s shoes, to understand their point of view. You cannot approach history unless you have empathy for the person you may hate.”
Which means that I’ll never be able to approach the history of Oliver Stone.
Those three teenagers that caused $40,000 in damages to Central Park’s Bethesda Terrace must perform 200 hours of community service as their sentence.
“The Central Park Conservancy insisted that their community service be shoveling shit in the stables.”
How do you like them apples, kids?
Joseph Rollino won three Purple Hearts in WWII. And a Silver Star. And a Bronze Star. He was born in 1905 and toured as The Strongest Man in the World (which, for a while, he probably was). He remained in perfect health, walking at least three miles a day.
He was fatally hit by a car while crossing the street yesterday morning.
Rest in peace, Joseph.
Jimi Hendrix’s family is releasing an album of his never-before-released music?
Who do they think he is? Tupac?
Anthony Weiner is sponsoring a new bill. Apparently, in 2001, a federal law was instituted that withheld aid to countries “in amounts equivalent to their outstanding parking fines.”
Except New York City never got any of that money. This new bill would collect the $18,000,000 due to our coffers.
Good eye, Weiner.
Usher spoke to Atlanta police about his car getting broken into on December 14th. He told them (with what I can’t imagine was a straight face) that $50,000 in furs were stolen, along with “more than $1,000,000 worth of jewelry and electronics.” From his car.
This looks like a job for… a claims adjuster!
Putting poison in Tylenol bottles is evil.
Putting fake labels on Gatorade bottles (that say “unfaithful” next to a photo of Tiger Woods) is hilarious.
Unless it turns out that the Gatorade was poisoned. Then it is evil.
That insane gangster who reprimanded his son in a lengthy letter (you know, “you are my son and you came from my balls”?) Well, he appeared before a judge and lamented, “The New York Post called him a rat. He’s not a rat — that’s why he’s not here today. He’s embarrassed. What’s this country becoming?”
See? Even that is Obama’s fault!
Jayson Williams accepted a plea that will put him in prison for “between 18 months and five years” for killing his driver and also for trying to cover up the crime. He faced up to 10 years if he lost his re-trial (for just the murder).
He’ll be eligible for parole in a year and a half. Which must make the family of his driver ever-so-happy.
That 59-year-old Irish lady who slept with the 19-year-old? The one who said that homosexuality was worse than child abuse? Her name is Iris Robinson.
How did I not make that connection before?
In a related story, downloads in Ireland of the Simon & Garfunkel song “Mrs. Robinson” increased by 1200% last week. Hilarious.
A player, coach and manager of Pakistan’s national men’s field-hockey team have all been fined $2,000 by parliament. Why?
They were photographed drinking alcohol in Argentina. And (are you sitting down?) hugging a woman.
I can’t believe they were allowed to keep their hands.
Mark Zachary has shoplifted eight times in South Carolina. He did it again recently. $80 worth of steak.
The judge sentenced him to 10 years in prison.
If only he had done something less horrible, like beat his infant step-son to death with a hairbrush.
If Harry Reid had said “ebonics” instead of “Negro dialect,” would anyone give a shit about his comment?
Rich Lowry insists that “The anti-ObamaCare protests of the summer… were notably absent of racial content.”
I’d post some of the signs of Obama as a witch doctor or the ones that compared people with health insurance to piles of dead Jews in concentration camps, but why bother? Either you know Lowry is lying or you’re one of those Olympians that is guaranteed to get a medal.
According to the Urban Dictionary, an Upper Decker is when you defecate in the tank of a toilet.
In a doubly-related story, the trading card company Upper Deck is being sued by Konami Entertainment. Konami claims that Upper Deck illegally reproduced 600,000 Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Konami is seeking “hundreds of millions of dollars in damages.”
A judge will decide how much Upper Deck needs to pay Konami on January 26th. The verdict is expected to be far more than a drop in the bucket (if you know what I mean).
Reed Tucker has an incredible feature on Brad Pitt’s facial hair. ’sfascinating. Seems Reed hates Pitt’s current growth.
“The actor is reportedly growing this topiary experiment for a role… Fine. But films have makeup departments, you know. Why grow the real thing and subject us to this national nightmare.”
Reed Tucker: droppin’ hyperbole like Galileo dropped the orange.
Did you know that you can listen to Vampire Weekend’s new album for free at vampireweekend.com?
Well, you can.
French New Wave director Eric Rohmer has died at the age of 89.
Gene Hackman’s character in Night Moves said it best: “I saw one of his films once; it was like watching paint dry.”
Mark McGwire has admitted to using steroids.
In other news, Sarah Palin has accepted a job from Fox News and the national language of France is French.
Linda Stasi calls WE’s Little Miss Perfect “one of the most horrifying and horrifyingly entertaining reality shows” and gives it three stars.
It always makes me smile when Linda complements a reality TV show (she referred to reality TV as “the bottom feeder of entertainment” just last November).
Consistent inconsistence.
Barbara Walters claims that she was approached by NBC last June about coming back to her old network.
Let me guess — they told her that she could host The Tonight Show?
If Sarah Palin is hosting Real American Stories for the Fox News Channel, can I safely assume that no homosexuals or atheists will ever be featured?
Until tomorrow, I remain.
The Jets (yawn) share the front page with Mr. Conan O’Brien, but only one story is actually front-page news (if it is, indeed, true).
WALK SHOW
Furious Conan ready to quit NBC in Leno mess
The Post’s EXCLUSIVE begins “Conan’s not laughing — he’s walking. The Tonight Show host is sick of the way NBC is treating him as it prepares to move Jay Leno back into the 11:35 p.m. time slot, and is ready to take his act somewhere else.”
Sounds like a done deal to me. Let’s go to pages 6 and 7 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is on page 12 today) and read more about this.
JUST CALL HIM CONAN O’FLYIN’ perpetuates the perception that the Post knows something that everyone else doesn’t. But if you squint real hard-like, you’ll see “O’Brien rep Leslee Dart last night said only that ‘Conan has made no decisions yet.’” Do I think Conan will walk? Prolly. Fox has never been a contender in the late-night talk-show wars, but not from lack of trying. And Conan moved his entire staff to Los Angeles to host The Tonight Show at 11:35, not to host the post-Leno 12:05 Tonight Show (which, as Seth Meyers so brilliantly pointed out, would not actually air “tonight”). Does Leno get more viewers than Conan? Yes. Does Conan get a more desirable demographic than Leno? Yes.
There is absolutely no way for NBC to maneuver out of this without looking like a bunch of idiots (which they have been for a long time now — and stay tuned for Rod “I’m Blacker Than Barack Obama” BluhGOYuhvitch [nice lady] in the new season of The “Celebrity” Apprentice!). I think Fox would be willing to shell out big bucks (and a multi-year contract) to give Conan and his recently-transplanted staff peace of mind — and to reap the rewards of NBC’s stupidity.
Incidentally, wanna know what NBC’s big idea is for their return to dramas in the 10:00 p.m. slot?
Law & Order: L.A. (why didn’t I think of that!)
NBC’s programming chief (Angela Bromstad) told the Post, “Even if, for instance, Law & Order the mothership, didn’t go beyond another couple of years, that way of telling stories is so unique that I actually think it could work in Los Angeles with a new look and a new cast. Also, there is not, other than Southland, a great L.A.-based cop show.”
Oh, you like Southland, too, Angela? I had no idea. Literally.
B’also, could Law & Order: Miami be next?
(as Roger Daltrey) Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Is there life on Saturn’s ice moon, Encedalus? Or, at least, the means to support micro-organisms? Possibly!
RadarOnline reported that Casey Johnson was buried in New Jersey yesterday.
The Johnson Family immediately denied it.
Never a dull moment for that family, huh?
(good luck in the playoffs)
Ellen Massey was in the upper deck of Shea Stadium on Opening Day in 2007 with her two nephews (all three are Mets fans). A 300-pound drunk guy fell on her, breaking one of her vertebrae and requiring two rods to be inserted in her back.
The Mets have offered nine (9) different defenses, all completely absolving them of blame. They blame the fat guy, they blame their beer vendors and they blame Massey — for not paying attention to what was going on behind her.
Good luck selling out your new stadium, jerks.
Page 4 is a full-page ad for Fox News — “THE MOST POWERFUL NAME IN NEWS”
What’s really depressing is that they’re right. Not the most accurate, not the most even-handed, not the most intelligent, but easily the most powerful.
Harold Ford Jr. has repeatedly claimed to be pro-life and pro-civil unions for gay couples over the years. Then he decided to run in New York. Which is why his spokesman claims Ford is now pro-gay marriage.
An announcement of his new pro-choice stance should hit the airwaves aaaaaaaany minute now…
Remember the 2-page spread in yesterday’s paper that discussed Schumer’s betrayal of Hillary (as written in Game Change)? Well, today there’s a 3-sentence piece in the bottom corner of page 5 (Book: GOP was in Palin panic).
“Panicked GOP operatives forced a crash course on 20th century American history on Sarah Palin because the veep candidate couldn’t grasp basic facts — such as why there’s a North and South Korea, according to a new book.
After John McCain elevated the previously obscure Alaska governor to the No. 2 spot on the 2008 Republican ticket, senior staffers were stunned by her lack of knowledge of historical and diplomatic events, said the authors of Game Change, about the campaign. ‘Her . . . tutors are literally taking her through ‘This is World War I, this is World War II, this is the Korean War,’ co-author John Heilemann told 60 Minutes.”
You betcha.
I almost forgot — Michael “I Hate Mad Men With A Fiery Passion For Some Reason” Starr had a sidebar on the 2-page Conan spread, and he had an EXCLUSIVE of his own: “A person close to Fallon tells me Jimmy ‘won’t rock the boat’ and will do as told, so no worries there.”
A nation exhales. And laughs at Michael Starr.
Congratulations to James Cameron. Avatar is now the #2 movie of all time (behind his Titanic) with roughly $1,340,000,000 in box office receipts(worldwide).
Which I believe finally puts it in the black.
A United Airlines flight from Chicago landed safely at Newark Airport yesterday — despite only having two wheels to land on.
My advice to everyone? Avoid Newark Airport. And United Airlines. And Arby’s.
Fret not, Americans (and New Yorkers in particular)! Maggie Haberman used one of those newfangled touch-screen ballot-readers and it worked just fine.
A nation exhales.
Harry Reid (again, according to Game Change) made some insensitive remarks (in private) about Barack Obama. Obama has already forgiven Reid, but the GOP is calling for Reid’s resignation.
The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton called Reid’s remarks “unfortunate,” but added, “these comments should not distract America from its continued focus on securing health care or creating jobs for its people.”
Remember when Michael Steele said he’d attract minorities to the GOP by telling them “y’all come” and letting them know “I got the fried chicken and potato salad”? Or how he recently used the phrase “honest Injun” on (where else) Fox News?
People who live in houses made of ignorant comments shouldn’t criticize other people’s ignorant comments. Or something like that.
(Sharpton is the voice of reason here? Yikes.)
Jamie Jungers (one of Tiger Woods’ many many former mistresses) has been talking with Sarah Symonds (Gordon Ramsay’s former mistress) “about working on a project together.”
What’s his name? And who’s his wife?
Elijah Wood hosted an eating competition at Epstein’s Bar on the LES the other night.
It was called Lord of the WIngs.
And it made more money than The Lovely Bones.
Mandrea!
She’s terrified that Michael Leiter took his son on a ski trip “hours after the Christmas Day mass-murder attempt” by Jim Carrey-on (A terror analyst who terrifies us).
“Doesn’t it make you feel safe that it took two weeks for this administration to finally get that this is serious? Avoiding terror attacks has been a top-down embarrassment on Obama’s watch, not least because of the roving Leiter, who directs the National Counterterrorism Center — or should I call it the No One’s Home to Counter Terrorism Center?”
I see what you did there, you mannish harridan.
She also takes Jay Leno’s side (Peacock Network? Pea-brain Network!) and throws in “While we’re at it, it’s high time CBS dumped Katie Couric” for good (jealous) measure.
In SEX MESS: LET’S GET FISCAL, BABY, she writes, “The nation’s capital is mired in a sex scandal so tawdry that it’s drawing attention from such important matters of state as the search for the perfect presidential Hawaiian golf course.“ Oddly, she is referring to Peter Orszag and not any of the boy-fondling, gay-sex-soliciting, wife-abandoning-or-beating-and-choking antics of the GOP. Huh.
But her coup de (dis)grace is No glamour in this tragedy.
Mandrea on Casey Johnson: “Her death is a tragedy. A miserable waste. So please, don’t celebrate it.”
Who’s celebrating it (besides Tila Tequila)?
“Even now, Casey’s untimely death is being treated not as the sad and pathetic event that it was, but as a glamorous celebrity happening to which we should aspire — an episode of Great Deaths of the Rich and Famous.”
She died in a mansion overrun by rats and drug paraphernalia… of the many (many) articles I’ve read on the subject, I haven’t seen a single sentence that implied Casey (despite her wealth and celebrity) was anything but miserable. A glamorous celebrity happening to which we should aspire? Looks like someone bought a magnetic poetry set.
“Casey has been commodified, sanitized and held up, not as a self-absorbed basket case who threw away her life like a used tissue, but as a lost soul who, try as she might, could not help herself.”
Wow.
“She sank into a spiral of drugs and desperation over which, her fair-weather friends insisted, she was powerless. I cannot accept that. It was what she wanted.”
WOW.
“And yet, Casey’s death is held up as something beautiful.”
By whom? What are you talking about?
“Anna Nicole Smith. Brittany Murphy. Even Marilyn Monroe all died foolishly young. But being young, beautiful and famous, their unrealized potential is never called what it is: Nothing to celebrate.”
Who is celebrating Brittany Murphy’s death? Do we even know how she died yet? And yet you feel OK calling her death “foolish”?
Shame on you, Mandrea.
NBC has announced that it “will lose money broadcasting the Winter Olympics.”
Maybe they could enter Jay Leno in some of the events?
The Nets lost. Again.
3-34.
Oof.
Aroldis Chapman was scouted by just about every MLB team, but he signed with the Reds for 5 years/$30,000,000. Not bad for a 22-year-old who defected from Cuba last July.
Tomorrow’s entry will be a little late (endoscopy, don’tchaknow), but rest assured — there will be one.
B’also? My friend Miranda is one of the producers of the new Matthew Broderick movie, Wonderful World. If you are physically able to attend a screening (it’s at the Cinema Village on East 12th Street in Manhattan), please do so. Her kid’s gotta eat.
Happy Monday!
J-E-T-S
YES!
YES!
YES!
Congratulations, Jets. But you still won’t get to the Super Bowl this year. Sorry.
The Post EXCLUSIVEly reports that Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly “may have settled on a wedding date — Nov. 5.”
I… I need to be alone for a little while.
Mehmet Ali Agca, the guy who shot Pope John Paul II(: The Quickening) is asking $2,000,000 for a TV interview and $5,000,000 for two books (one of which is his autobiography). “Several” European publishers are said to be “interested,”which would have flabbergasted me if Sarah Palin hadn’t managed to “write” the best-selling “book” of 2009.
Iris Robinson, 60, is the wife of Northern Ireland’s first minister and a member of parliament. She describes homosexuality as “wicked, sickening and an abomination.”
Yesterday, she was dropped by her party (the Democratic Unionists, who are profoundly Protestant) amid allegations of financial impropriety. Oh, and that when she was 59 she had an affair with a 19-year-old.
Whycome the people who preach morailty are almost always the most immoral? Funny that.
Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann makes everybody in the book’s title look bad (CHUCK SCHEMER UNDERMINED HILL). But the Post chose to focus on the segment that alleges that Senator Charles Schumer (and later, Harry Reid) were integral to recruiting Obama for his 2008 nomination.
“At one point, Reid (Nev.) and Schumer ‘double-teamed’ Obama in a meeting.”
If you had told me in 2007 that our next POTUS would be Black and bi-sexual, I’d have called you insane.
FIEND’S EASY ESCAPE tells the tale of how, in 2002, Anwar al-Awlaki (the guy we think is behind the Fort Hood shooting and Jim Carrey-on) was taken into custody at JFK Airport… and then let go.
“Even though Awlaki had been on the FBI’s radar for years, he was let go, most likely because of intervention by Saudi Arabia, classified documents and interviews reveal. Now he continues to train new ‘martyrs’ in Yemen.
“‘We were stunned’ that he was let go, said Ray Fournier, a federal agent who has been tracking Awlaki as part of a joint terrorism task force. ‘He was a high-value target. Everybody was excited about the prospect of hooking this guy up under a [criminal] charge to motivate a conversation with him regarding his relationship with the [9/11] hijackers.’”
You know who isn’t mentioned anywhere in this piece’s 24 paragraphs? I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with “Bormer Bresident Borge Bubble-you Bush.”
Michael Goodwin complains about a variety of things, which is his right.
Just as I have the right to not waste my Sunday on his feigned indignation.
(I read them all, but they lack his usual joie de merde)
The terrorists have won yet again.
“The Metropolitan Museum of Art quietly pulled all images of the Prophet Mohammed from its Islamic collection and may not include them in a renovated exhibition area slated to open in 2011.”
I wonder if Comedy Central still airs those South Park episodes that featured Mohammed as a member of the Super Best Friends (along with Buddha, Krishna, Joseph Smith, Moses, Jesus Christ and Lao Tzu)…
If not for the ruling of a judge (which disallowed the Heene Family from profiting from their hoax), ABC was going to pay them $10,000 for exclusive video footage.
Peter Jennings is spinning in the grave meant for Cindy Adams.
Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association membership cards are currently being sold on eBay — as “collectibles.”
(in Chief Wiggum’s voice) That’s some good side money, Lou.
Charlie Sheen is back at work, making the worst #1 situation comedy of all time.
And a nation exhales with relief and horrible taste.
Further airline infuriation!
Renate Wilson, 55, was on an Austrian Airways flight from Vienna to JFK Aiport when she went into the bathroom and smoked a cigarette. The crew told her that it was illegal to smoke on the plane, so she went back to her seat and had another cigarette.
She was detained by Port Authority officials upon landing… and then released without charges (“the feds told them to cut her loose”).
Double standards are terrific (b’also, how’d she get a lighter on the plane?).
I know why the caged bird sings police were at Dominic Carter’s house the other day.
His son, Dominic Jr. (methinks he’ll be going by DJ from here on out, no?) told his high school’s “counselor” that “he saw blood and a broken hanger on the floor of his older sister Courtney’s room.”
Looks like Dominic (Sr.) was telling the truth about there not being any additional allegations of violence. Unless you count abortion as a violent act.
(oh no I dih-ih!)
Where to begin?
Wii’re turning kids into zombies! is by Marla Jo Fisher and explains her position (Mom: Why I’ve banned video games) in great detail. The accompanying photo made me laugh:
… as did the first photo I found of the mom and her two kids (possibly taken as they were stolen from their actual parents)…
Maybe video games aren’t their biggest problem (the boy needs a man in the house ASAP, as does mom — who also needs to buy hats and not make them)?
But the kicker is that the editorial that Marla Jo wrote was originally published by The Orange County Register on December 27, 2009. Only the title wasn’t “Wii’re turning kids to zombies!”… it was Video games were invented by the devil.
Yeah… those kids have MUCH bigger problems than video games.
Researchers at Yale University have concluded that female ducks have vaginas “that spiral in the opposite direction of male duck penises.”
Yale University, ladies and gentlemen.
Researchers at the University of Cincinatti have concluded that male fruit flies have spikes on their genitals, which allow them to more easily rape female fruit flies.
(in Chief Wiggum’s voice) That’s some good researching, Lou.
Michael Steele (who will be out of a job in 5… 4… 3…) has proclaimed, “It’s time for President Obama to… finally do what he should have been doing over the past year — put his full and undivided attention on fixing our economy.”
Remember this when all the GOP talking heads criticize him for not doing enough to keep us safe from underwear.
Kyle Smith takes the unpopular stand against emaciated models. V magazine’s recent spread that featured overweight models (not obese, mind you, but not what you’d expect to normally see in a fashion magazine) got major coverage by the Post the other day. Which angers Kyle to a major extent.
“Tolerance is the enemy of shame. With more and more fat acceptance — like that encouraged by V — there will be more and more fat people.
Nobody is born 300 pounds. Nobody ’suffers from’ obesity. She chooses it, one milkshake at a time.”
Kyle Smith, ladies and gentlemen.
Charles Hurt earns his pay with the scathing What the Dems are afraid of: Moxie.
As someone who generally votes for Democrats, I have to agree; Glenn Close is a great actress, but that was a really awful movie.
Sara Stewart blames Sarah Palin’s perception (to all but her Palindrones) as an “idiotic beauty queen” on Tina Fey’s impersonation of her. Which is a little like blaming Hitler’s evil on Charlie Chaplin’s impression of him.
The estate of Jack Kirby has hired the same lawyers who helped the estate of Jerome Siegel regain rights to Superman, in the hopes of regaining the rights to the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, the Hulk… pretty much most of what Disney just bought.
Good luck, Kirbys.
Ashley Dupre doesn’t answer any mail this week, but she does offer us her take on whether or not the G-spot exists (SPOTTED: TO G OR NOT TO G?).
“The G-spot does exist. The trouble is finding it.”
But fear not… Ashley will help you find it!
“The G-spot — named after Ernst Gräfenberg, who first wrote about it in 1950 — is the spongy tissue of the paraurethral gland, which is comparable in certain ways to the male prostate, according to sex therapist Dr. Victoria Zdrok, who gives a great plain-English description of how it works at askmen.com. The actual area is only about the size of a quarter, but it feels rougher to the touch than the surrounding tissue. It lies about 1-2 inches back from the vaginal opening, inside the front vagina wall (the side that the belly button is on). This is where it gets tricky, because the actual G-spot is not located on the outside of the wall. Instead, it lies inside the tissue, requiring pressure to reach those orgasmic nerves.”
Would you like to know more about this prostitute’s vagina? Then read on!
“I know you want to ask, ‘How do I know what it feels like?’ So here’s a little at-home experiment you can try. The next time you urinate, stop halfway through and squeeze those muscles that stop the stream. Hold it in. Feel that little tingle up in your vaginal wall, by your pubic bone? Ta-da! Congratulations — that is your G-spot! But tapping into it through intercourse, that’s the fun part!
Now that you know where it is and what it feels like, have fun exploring with your partner. (Don’t forget to go to the bathroom first, because penetrating the G-spot sort of feels like you have to urinate while in fact you don’t.) All you have to do is let that ‘Big O’ happen! Let me know how it goes.”
Yes. Let her know how “it” “goes.”
Harf.
Vladimir Guerrero… to the Texas Rangers? Really?
Huh.
The Nets “play” tonight at 7:00.
Will they become 4-33 or 3-34?
Either way, they suuuuuuck.
And that’s all I can stand (I can’t stand no more).
Enjoy what remains of your weekend (and, if you have no plans tonight and want to get rid of $5, come to the Magnet Theater at 9:30 for the Inferno — will Dog Court win their FOURTH consecutive competition?).
The Jets play the Bengals today for the wild card. I had planned on listening to it on the radio, but I heard a rumor that the Jets are charging fans $500 per game for a Personal Ear License and I just can’t afford that right now.
OTB has a proposal: 1,300 “self-betting kiosks” in “bars, restaurants, bowling alleys and possibly bodegas.”
I wouldn’t bet on it. I mean, a kiosk that bets all by itself? What is this, an Asimov story?
Another death, another classy way of writing about it.
Art Clokey, creator of Gumby, died in his sleep yesterday.
And the page 3 article on the 88-year-old’s passing is titled Gumby guy dies, dammit!
Does this mean that when Barbara Walters dies, the headline will be Baba Wawa wests in peace?
Haisong Jiang isn’t just any old 28-year-old bio-medical research grad student at Rutgers; he’s the guy that illegally entered that exit at Newark Aiport so that he could… kiss his girlfriend (Qianqun) goodbye (again) before she moved to Los Angeles to be a statistician.
They caught him. He has been charged with “defiant trespass.”
Which is also the name of my new improv team.
Roughly 50 “Detroit-area Muslims” (at least, that’s what they said they were) showed up outside Jim Carrey-on’s first day in court. One sign that appears in a Post photo reads “AbdolmuTaleb Muslimsare here to tell you GO TO HELL.“
Is what they did to Abdulmutallab’s name a war crime, an act of terrorism or merely a misdenomer?
A guy in Queens fled from federal agents (they had questions for him egarding his suspected ties to al Qaeda) and got as far as the Bronx-Whitestone Bridge where he went from 90 to 0 in record time, thanks to the back of another car. Sources say he might have been trying to kill himself when he hit his car into the other vehicle. But he still managed to get out and run away on foot
Shortly before the crash impact, he called 911 and screamed (in Arabic), “We love death more than you love life!”
But not enough to actually die, eh, Adis Medunjanin, 25?
Dr. Conrad Murray, almost seven months after the death of the Gloved, Beloved and By Joe Shoved One (Michael Jackson), will “be charged with gross negligence for taking an extreme departure from the normal standard of care,” according to “a law-enforcement source.”
The wheels of justice turn slowly in America, but they turn.
They’re square, not attached to a functional machine of any consequence and smell like bum pee, but they turn. Sometimes.
So I read that weepy 2-page interview for nothing?
In a Post EXCLUSIVE, The Ramapo Town Police are looking into a brand-spanking (sorry) new allegation of domestic abuse against Dominic Carter. They went to the Carters’ home yesterday but wouldn’t comment about any further details.
“Sgt. Mike Colbath said officers filed a report on the case yesterday but would not make it publicly available for several days.”
So… Dominic hit his wife again?
“Marilyn Carter, 52, denied yesterday that Dominic had assaulted her. ‘It’s not true whatsoever,’ said Marilyn, a college administrator. ‘I just had lunch with Dominic … I have not filed any police report. Nothing happened last night.’”
So… what happened last night?
“Dominic, 45, said, ‘There was no incident at my house’ on Thursday night.”
I asked about last night, Dominic.
I bet it was that phantom day-laborer.
So many things are making me want to move to Britain, but then I read about their upcoming season of Celebrity Big Brother. Featured “celebrities” include Ron Wood’s girlfriend (Katya Ivanova), Stephen Baldwin, Heidi Fleiss and Ivana Trump. Three of those people were on my list of reasons for moving, so now I’m torn.
Clivie Smith, 19, one of the five tough guys who has been charged in the shooting of Vada Vasquez, 15, pleaded not guilty the other day and, as he was being led away, noticed one of his friends in the courtroom.
“‘What up, man?,’ he shouted. Then, feigning fear, he cried ‘Daddy!’ — eliciting uproarious laughter.”
I hope everyone in his cell block has a 15-year-old daughter (that they actually care about).
Looks like Fox will (more than likely) be making an offer to Mr. O’Brien. It’ll have to be substantial, though, as Conan has $45,000,000 coming from NBC if he stays at NBC but isn’t hosting The Tonight Show.
Michael Starr calls NBC’s handling of this, “the biggest blunder in TV history.” Which unseats that lady whose tube top fell off as she ran toward the Price is Right stage.
Will a court-ordered surrender of a DNA sample finally unmask the person behind the Tylenol poisonings of 1982?Possibly!
Keep your eyes on James Lewis, 63.
85 people in 31 states fell victim to a salmonella outbreak which has been traced back to… aquatic African dwarf frogs from California.
They come into this country, taking away jobs from American frogs, and they spread disease. Lou Dobbs was right.
Wing.
Barf Penises (sorry, Ralph Peters) begins O’s ‘Fixes’ Will Fail with, “On Christmas day, a terrorist known to our intelligence system tried to blow up 300 innocents on a US-bound flight. Our government’s response is to take porno pictures of your wife and daughter.”
1) You don’t capitalize the d in Christmas day? Well now we know what side of the War on Christmas you’re on.
2) $20 says the first draft of that last sentence was “But the response from the Black Kenyan in charge of dismantling our government from the inside is to take porno pictures of your wife and daughter and also his penis is bigger than yours and he and your wife laugh about it all the time.”
“We’re not being defeated. We’re defeating ourselves.”
As one of the tens of millions of Americans who have never been part of Peters’ collective “we,” I can only hope he’s right.
From the editorial At War — Maybe:
“President Obama’s comments Thursday may suggest that he now recognizes the nation is ‘at war’ — but his actions sure suggest otherwise. And what better illustrates this than panty-bomber Umar Abdulmutallab’s appearance yesterday in a civilian court — with a public defender and the same toolkit of legal rights available to any garden-variety attempted murderer?
He pleaded not guilty.
Sheesh. The admitted al Qaeda operative might as well have been a garden-variety attempted murderer. Obama said that Abdulmatuallab’s attempt to blow up Flight 253 on Christmas was a reminder ‘of the challenge we face in protecting our country.’ He argued for a bold, aggressive response.
‘Let’s be clear about what this moment demands,’ the president said. ‘We are at war’ — against ‘a far-reaching network of violence and hatred.’
Vowed Obama: ‘We will do whatever it takes to defeat them.’
Oh, really? Since when are wartime enemies tried before a civilian judge? Surely even Obama knows that you don’t prosecute a war — by prosecuting your enemy.”
Is the Post unaware of Richard Reid?
“So, too, can you gauge the steepness of his team’s learning curve by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napalitano’s latest set of bizarro comments. Asked for the most ’stunning’ finding from a review of security lapses, Napolitano answered: ‘The determination of al Qaeda and Al Qaeda-Arabian Peninsula.’
That’s astonishing. Has she been living under a rock since Sept. 10, 2001? Did not the collapse of the Twin Towers sink in? Is she unaware of London? Madrid? Bali? Richard Reid? Fort Hood? And so on?”
Waitaminute! I asked you if you were unaware of Richard Reid! That’s not fair, Post! You can’t ignore his trial but still cite him as an example! Play fair!
B’also what happened on September 10, 2001?
I sent the following letter a few weeks ago:
Dear Jonah Goldberg,
Please write something incredibly stupid about how compromising with people who don’t believe everything you believe is like mixing Chinese food and pizza.
Sincerely,
Jed Resnik
And this is what Jonah wrote in What Domino’s Can Teach the GOP:
“I’d hate to see the GOP abandon conservative policies in order to be more popular. That would be like Domino’s listening to critics and then deciding to get into the Chinese food business. Indeed, by my lights, that’s what George W. Bush tried to do with his ‘compassionate conservatism.’ He surrendered to liberal arguments about the role, size and scope of government on too many fronts. In effect, he said you can have your pizza and Kung Pao chicken all in the same dish. That’s not a good meal, it’s a bad mess.”
Many thanks, Jonah!
Congratulations to Andray Blatche, JaVale McGee, Randy Foye and Nick Young!
These four members of the Washington Wizards have all been hit with $10,000 fines for taking part in Gilbert Arenas’ hilarious “look at me pretending to shoot my teammates during a huddle” performance in Philadelphia.
Maybe they should change the team name again to something like the Washington Tools or the Washington Lunkhedz.
With just 11.5 seconds left in yesterday’s game against the Hornets, the Nets were up 99-98 after two successful free throws. Their lead lasted less than four seconds. Jarvis Hayes hit a 3-pointer and the final score wound up 103-99.
The Nets are 3-33. They have an 8.3% success rate (aka .083).
If they taped a 1-ounce solid gold Krugerrand to every seat for every game, I still can’t see people as paying customers at the Nets’ new Brooklyn home. Luckily, it will probably never get built.
Randy “Will I Call This Finalist ‘Dawg’ or ‘Man’?” Jackson thought that the new season of American Idol would be filled with Adam Lambert and Kris Allen clones, as is usually the case (contestants often try to be like the previous winner and/or runner-up).
“‘It didn’t happen like that this time,’ he said. ‘We got a very interesting, unique cast that’s only unique to this season nine.’”
Wait… there’s going to be another season nine? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Happy weekend!
Goddamnit. I jumped to the Obama stuff and forgot to restart on page 2.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid reportedly asked Mayor Bloomberg not to back Harold Ford, Jr. in his run for the Senate (against Kirsten Gillibrand).
This not only guarantees Bloomberg’s involvement, it pretty much cements Ford’s victory.
Did Google name their new super-phone (Nexus One) after the Nexus-6 androids (the phone runs on the operating system “Android”) in Philip K. Dick’s novel, “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” (which became the movie Blade Runner)? Dick’s heirs seem to think so.
It should be noted that Google paid George Lucas a tidy sum of money to use “Droid” in their ads and sitch.
Let me see if I get this straight:
At this point in 2008, NBC was averaging 7,600,000 viewers in their 10:00 p.m. Monday -Friday slot.
In September of this year, they averaged 7,900,000 (thanks to the 18,500,000 who watched the premiere). In October, it was 5,300,000. In November, it fell to 4,800,000. December brought it back up to 5,100,000 (yay!), which is only 2,500,000 less people than would normally be watching (or 49% of the current audience).
So what’s a shitty network to do? Why, give Jay his old 11:30 slot again! Right?
And here’s the beauty: Conan has (allegedly) been given an option — if he’s willing to move to 12:05-1:05, then Jay will get 11:35 – 12:05 OR Conan can fuck off and Jay will re-take is old Tonight Show slot in its entirety.
Also allegedly, I found out about this not long after Conan did. Which speaks volumes about the good folks at NBC. Which is also why I predict that Conan will turn down NBC’s shitty offer. I say he goes to Fox.
Just you wait and see.
Plaxico Burress, your request for a work-release furlough has been DENIED.
Back in your cell. Try not to shoot yourself (again).
At 5:00 p.m. on Wednesday, a man decided to jog naked near “the green space south of the White House.”
His jaunt lasted “less than a minute” and the Secret Service took him to a hospital “for a mental evaluation.”
We live in very interesting times.
TEQUILA’S SHOT AT CASEY KIN has more hot and tasty Twitter tweets from the grieving “widow”:
“Her family abandoned her for 5 years, her friends never called her, ONLY I DID and I HAVE PROOF IN ALL MY TEXT MESSAGES & BBM 2 PPL!!!!”
“Now that she’s gone her family and so called ‘FRIENDS’ pop up at my house, stealing our stuff & acting like they care? BULLSHIT! Money doesn’t buy you class.”
(Agreed, Exhibit A!)
“Who was there for her? I WAS! I took care of EVERYTHING! While her ‘friends’ used her.”
“Sorry I tried 2 keep my mouth shut as long as I could but I’m tired of these RICH ppl who pretend like they are better just cuz they have $$.”
“Some ppl think just cuz they’re rich that they can stomp all over other ppl. Even if that means taking away their daughters happiness!”
“My wife hated [her family]. Just wait til I tell everyone the truth I have proof, and the family is a piece of shit. No wonder she wanted to marry me.”
(Agreed! Only someone that truly hates their family would ask you to join it!)
She is also reportedly “in negotiations” to appear on Larry King Live.
(“Chlamydia, hello!”)
And what does Tila say todayon her blog about the woman who Casey Johnson allegedly robbed last year (and whose lawyers sent Tila a cease and desist letter because of all of the names Tila has been calling her on her blog)? “Prostitute,” “bitch,” drug addict” and “con artist.”
And if you’d like to see a fame whore pretend that she wants the paparazzi to leave her alone so that she can grieve (before posing for them and giggling and talking about her upcoming projects), click here (and then get tested).
OK. Now I’m done. G’night!
What are you doing Tuesday morning? Are you planning on being sedated and having someone shove a camera down your throat to take a gander at your guttyworks? Well, I am.
I. Can’t. Wait.
In a story that’s more related than you might at first think, here’s “America’s Mare” Rudy 9iu11ani on Good Morning America. Just when you thought he couldn’t be more of a lisping douchebag…
Before I delve into the Post (which is brimming with awful today), I must give special attention to the all-time worst film critic — Mr. Armond White. Ever one to buck convention (and popular opinion), Armond released no Best of 2009 List. Instead, he put together the “Better-Than List 2009.”
So instead of seeing, say, 10 movies you might consider seeing, Armond gives you 16 movies that are better than 16 other movies (the only exception: Everlasting Moments > Every other movie of 2009). Of the other 15, I can’t comment on most (Is Of Time and the City > Crude or Bandslam > Nine or This Is It > Me and Orson Welles? If and when I see (any of) them, I’ll let you know.), but a few actually made me laugh out loud.
I haven’t seen Gentlemen Broncos. What I’ve read has been wholly unkind (with a few polite pats on the back for the actors). Armond says “It is the 2001 of 2009.” And then he declares that it’s better than Inglourious Basterds (which I predict will net 6 Oscar nominations). He also declares that both Crank 2: High Voltage (a fun movie) and Gamer (a painfully awful movie) are better than the “insipid escapism” of Avatar. He criticizes Sam Raimi’s Drag Me to Hell (another fun movie) for being “lowbrow, low-down and unedifying” in comparison to Ricky (a French family film about a flying baby, which I have yet to see), which is kind of like saying Amelie > The Final Destination (true, b’also a stupid argument to make). But, Armond being Armond, there was one comparison that trumped all the others: Next Day Air > Up in the Air.
“Benny Boom disinfects The Wire’s pathology into an August Wilson-rich comedy about what greed does to the working class; it has truth and beauty where Jason Reitman told white-collar lies about labor, vocation and lack of community.”
Even without seeing Up in the Air (a DVD of which I just got in the mail — consider my vote bought, guys!), I can tell you that this is bullshit. And to speak ill of The Wire in any way, shape or form (especially in comparison to something like Next Day Air) reveals an ignorance that borders on retardation.
Armond White (< Pete Hammond), ladies and gentlemen.
The New York Post has a headline that’s made up of dots. I used my pen to connect them and it revealed THEY WANT TO KILL US and I panicked (is this like that Bazooka Joe comic I once got that had “Help! I’m being held prisoner in a bubblegum factory!” written on it?). But then I saw the sub-head (President finally connects the dots) and I was able to see what they did there. “O, now he gets it. President Obama yesterday finally showed the nation that he knows the Christmas Day underwear bomber was acting for one reason — because al Qaeda thugs desperately want to kill us.” They forget to say “for our freedoms” at the end!
Pages 6, 7, 8 and 9 are all a continuation (each with OBAMA CONNECTS THE DOTS at the top, in the hopes of creating yet another asinine talking point for Tea Partiers and Palindrones [I just made that up -- patent pending!]) of the spurious argument that Obama is weak on terror and that (despite his taking half the time Bush did to comment on the shoe bomber) he waited to long to comment on Jim Carrey-on (and you just know that if he had held a press conference on Christmas Day, the Post would call it proof that he doesn’t respect the sanctity of Christmas). First up is Charles “Can You Guess My Partisan Agenda?” Hurt’s full-page Hilary was right! O fails the ‘3 a.m. phone’ test. Here’s Churlie’s take on what Clinton was saying in her infamous campaign commercial:
“If — in a national security crisis — the ‘red phone’ rang at 3 a.m., the ad intoned, Obama would not hear it. Or he would fail to answer it. Or he would be on vacation.
In any case, an Obama White House would so diminish the threat of terrorism that the government’s focus would shift away from the harsh and determined tactics used to protect the homeland. Instead, Obama would turn his attention to becoming more popular in the world and stress negotiations over hardball tactics. This attitude from the commander in chief would trickle down to every corner of the federal government responsible for national security.”
And, Churlie exasperatedly kvetches, she was right! That’s totally what happened! Obama is such a pompous asshole! Where’s the president who I could have a beer with while he destroyed our nation’s economy?
“It is certainly not the first piece of evidence that Obama would rather be liked in the world than pursue the tactics proven to beat this evil and unceasing enemy.
Never will be forgotten Obama’s trip to Cairo last year to address the Muslim world, when he said that he believes it is ‘part of my responsibility as president of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear.’
Forget for a moment that such folly appears nowhere in the American president’s job description.
If you have time for such nonsense, then you are not spending enough time thinking about how to thwart this enemy.”
You know how that one time, Glenn Beck had someone wear a Nancy Pelosi mask and he served her poisoned wine? To illustrate his distaste for her politics, while adhering to the strict Rules of the Magic Underpants? If I were a Mormon, I might say that I want to force-feed Churlie a drum of jet engine fuel as a firebreather simultaneously performs the ol’ rusty trombone on him (if you know what I mean, o great and benevolent undergarments). But, as an agnostic, I have to make decisions for myself (without the safety net of eternal paradise) and I don’t think that kind of over-the-top borderline hate speech has any place in civil discourse, regardless of what any prophets purportedly said.
Instead, I’ll just point out that the last guy in charge started two wars (finishing neither) and was on vacation more than any other POTUS ever. Obama isn’t expected to even tie him at this rate. Bush had seven years to find the folks responsible for 9/11 (which, someone please remind 9iu11ani, happened during the Bush administration). One could argue that Bush didn’t spend enough time thinking how to thwart our enemies. If one was stupid enough to think that the job of the POTUS is primarily thinking of ways to thwart our enemies.
Of course, the Post doesn’t want to seem too partisan [insert Edna Krabapple laugh here], so page 7 is a kinder assessment of Obama’s speech (PREZ FIGURES IT OUT: THIS IS WAR).
“President Obama finally connected the dots and delivered a tough speech yesterday, vowing to fight the ’small men intent on killing innocent men, women and children’ through terror schemes like the botched Christmas crotch-bomb attack.
‘We are at war. We are at war against al Qaeda,’ he said in one of his strongest and most direct speeches about the threat to the United States. ‘We will do whatever it takes to defeat them.’”
Of course, the rest of this 4-page slog through finger-pointing and slander offers corrections (if you look hard enough) to many of the “facts” that the Post has offered over the last week and change. Things like the fact that Jim Carrey-on did have a US visa (so much for the repeated cries of “how does someone without a US visa even get on that plane, Mr. Obama the Softie!?”) and his plane ticket was a round-trip ticket (so much for the repeated cries of “how do you miss a gigantic red flag like a guy with no US visa buying a one-way ticket, Mr. Softie Soft-pants Arrogant Black Man Who Wants To Kill My Grandmother!?”).
Sigh.
What is it with killing Playboy models and mutilating them? Is it that the killers used to break apart their sisters’ Barbie dolls and it’s merely force of habit?
Paula Sladewski, 26, was found “burned beyond recognition in a Dumpster in Miami” and her boyfriend (Kevin Klym, 34) is a “person of interest” (Paula once texted her stepfather “He’s trying to kill me.”). Between this, that lady in the suitcase (killed by her VH1-fixture boyfriend), and those new magazine spreads with the chubby ladies, it’s just not worth it to be a supermodel any more.
Ironically, Sladewski’s turn-offs included “insincerity, war, chewing with your mouth open, and being found burned beyond recognition in a Dumpster in Miami.”
A judge ordered Ronald Perelman to make good on his promise to fund Ellen Barkin’s production company — to the tune of $3,400,000 (plus the interest since the agreement was made in 2006, for a total of $4,300,000).
Perelman’s spokesperson said, “The decision will be vigorously appealed.”
At a cost of far more than $4,300,000.
Look, children, this is how those ugly people flirt with each other.
All states that allow gay marriage, step forward. Not so fast, New Jersey.
Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Vermont, thank you. And thanks to Portugal, as well.
I made the mistake of listening to the New Jersey politicians explain why they were or weren’t voting for the bill. The arguments for were impassioned and moving. The arguments against were embarrassing. As is the result.
Anything that contradicts previous reports on the Arenas/Crittenton case? Well, yes! It’s still four (4) guns (today), but they’re back to being on a chair. And after Crittenton loaded his gun and cocked it, Arenas laughed and said, “Look at that little shiny gun.”
“The tension eventually defused with Crittenton breaking into song, while still holding his gun, according to [The Washington Post].”
Curiouser and curiouser…
Pamela Anderson will be autographing bottles of her new perfume. In Philadelphia. At two Rite-Aids. I promise I’m not making this up.
She even told People StyleWatch, “I am a drugstore whore.”
What’s great about that sentence is that you can remove pieces of words (“store”) or entire words (“drugstore” or “whore”) and Pamela maintains the same level of dignity. Signing bottles of perfume. In two different Rite-Aids. In Philadelphia.
Are they paying her in Hepatitis medicine?
Hayden Panettiere “never” dated Adrian Pasdar or Milo Ventimiglia or Kevin Connolly (aim high, Hayden!) and now she “isn’t” dating… Wladimir Klitschko?!?
Yikes.
Never again?
“I’ve always tried to stay away from playing Jews. I get like 20 Holocaust scripts a month, but I hate the genre.” — Natalie Portman in British Elle
Another salvo fired in the Service Providers vs. Cable Networks War! Cablevision asks (in a full-page ad), “Why won’t Scripps Network put Food Network and HGTV back on while we negotiate? Obviously, they don’t care about you, the viewer, as much as they claim to.”
Oh no they dih-ih!
You bess come correct, Scripps.
The first HIV-positive man to legally visit our country in over a decade arrived at Kennedy Airport.
Michael Goodwin responded by saying that “Any American that dies of AIDS from here on out is 100% Obama’s fault.” And then he ran away.
John Michael Farren, 57, a former senior attorney to then-President George W. Bush, was arraigned on attempted-murder (and other) charges after he beat and choked his wife into unconsciousness. She was “temporarily blinded after being repeatedly struck with a metal flashlight Wednesday night” by her husband. She now has “a broken nose, a broken jaw and other injuries.” Once again, the assailant is a former senior attorney to then-President George W. Bush.
Oh, I’m sorry; do politics not belong in this discussion? OK. Then please stop dragging Obama’s name into every other sentence in your stories about Peter Orszag’s love child with Claire Milonas (I found the picture [sorry it's so teeny] — try not to think of that Aphex Twin video when you look at her).
Another cast member of Jersey Shore got into a fist-fight? For reals? And he got arrested and whatnot? Day-um. Say it ain’t so, Ronnie Magro!
“I really don’t feel bad for the altercations that I did get into in Seaside because I’m really not a person who likes to fight.”
Altercations? What uh you, a tailuh? (high-fives idiot friends while applying AXE body spray/intelligence repellent)
I also like how it happened in September but the Post is reporting on it now because the episode that features part of the fight aired last night.
Is Fox looking to buy Viacom?
Two EMTs were on a coffee break, which is why they let pregnant 25-year-old Eutisha Rennix die in the Au Bon Pain she worked at of what now appears to be an asthma attack. Co-workers begged the EMTs to look at her, but they repeatedly insisted, “‘We’re on our break, so there’s nothing we can do,’ as they waited for their orders of Asiago cheese bagels.” They left without looking at Rennix.
That would be a great ad campaign for Au Bon Pain.
“America runs on Dunkin’ but you best not bother America when we get our Au Bon Pain Asiago Cheese Bagels, aight?”
“Get your Asiago-on-the-go and come to a halting stop!”
“I don’t care how many pregnant ladies die, it’s just that delicious!”
Jason Williams has been released on $5,000 bail (what the fuck?!?) and is now wearing a (snicker) “alcohol-monitoring bracelet.”
In the editorial We Are at War, the Post says it again for the cheap seats; Obama is a pompous fop who wants to kiss terrorists instead of fight them and we are all in great danger because of him.
“‘It appears that this incident was not the fault of a single individual or organization, but rather a systemic failure across organizations and agencies,’ he said. That’s to say, no one is to blame.”
Exactly. Wait. Not exactly. What’s the other thing? Oh, yeah. Disingenuous.
“If Obama had lopped off a couple of heads after the Detroit fiasco — and yesterday wouldn’t have been too late — it would have sent a powerful signal: This guy means business. He didn’t.”
Are you serious? You started screaming that he was waiting too long since the day after Christmas! He could be wearing a hat and holding a sign that both say “I mean business!” while screaming “I mean business!!” on a float shaped like the words “I mean business!!!” and you’d still insist he wasn’t making it clear re: his intentions on the business front.
I wonder what some idiot in Kiev, Ukraine thinks of all this.
Ronald Marks of Kiev, Ukraine (!) writes in and (like at least one person every damned week) begins his letter praising Ralph Peters for being “spot on.”
“Obama, stop trying to talk the enemy to death.”
Ronald, stop trying to talk. B’also? From now on, those things in my underwear are roland marks.
Bill O’Reilly, you sexually-harassing nimrod. “On my TV program, I asked [Brit] Hume, a devout Christian, whether he was proselytizing. He said no and put forth that he was just offering Woods some advice he might consider. Thus, the question becomes: What is Hume’s sin?”
Bill insists that, since “Buddhism has no concept of sin,” Hume was just trying to do him a solid; what’s the hullabulloo?
Try this, Bill: Let’s say you could find a woman to mask her disgust so convincingly that you ask her to marry you and she does. You spend time together and are completely at peace. Then you go out one night and a woman approaches her and tells her that your wife’s dress makes her look fat and her hair is all wrong and, if she actually wanted to look attractive, she should get some plastic surgery. The woman insists she’s just trying to be helpful; she means no harm, it’s just that she, too, was once ugly and knows how great your wife would feel if she did what the woman did.
Now multiply that by 1,000 and shut up.
Kyle Smith gave three and a half stars to Youth In Revolt (“It’s Wes Anderson minus the angst.”), two and a half stars to Daybreakers (“Nipped in the blood”) and one and a half stars to Wonderful World (“the central message… smacks of the justly derided ‘Magical Negro’ school of filmmaking”).
V.A. Musetto gives Flooding with Love for the Kid three stars (it’s a one-man adaptation of the novel that First Blood was based on, made for $96.00).
Lou Lumenick has but a star and a half to give the new Amy Adams rom-com (“Leap Year may be the least funny Hollywood comedy to take advantage of Irish tax credits since The Honeymooners.”)
Barry Bonds’ son (Nikolai, 20) “faces charges of battery, false imprisonment, vandalism, making threats to an officer and obstructing an officer.” What do the charges stem from?
He threw a doorknob at his mother.
And VH1 will be sending over their pitch for The Family Bonds to Barry Bonds’ agent in 5… 4… 3…
The Nets has officially banned gambling on their flights.
They remain 3-32, so I’d reconsider. Maybe some of those guys need to be held at gunpoint?
Jets vs. Bengals tomorrow night?
Tickets are still available.
Can you feel the (yawn) excitement?
The Post thinks you should keep an eye on Eliza Siep this year (on American Idol)! She used to date Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance! OMG!!!
“And this time, I’m doing the whole thing as Peter Falk as Columbo. No, I’ve made up my mind. Well, if you didn’t me to, then you shouldn’t have fucked up the entire eight-episode season.“
The Kevin Pollak-hosted Our Little Genius, America’s next grating game show, has been pulled from the air (before a single episode aired) by Fox after Mark Burnett (the show’s producer) “discovered that there was an issue with how some information was relayed to contestants during pre-production.”
Um, Mark? If you discovered that during pre-production, why did you respond during way-post-production?
Fini.
Happy weekend!
There are a whole mess of stories in today’s paper that, try as I might, I just can’t bring myself to care about (despite the Post’s seeming insistence that they deserve my attention). So to you, dead lady and baby trampled by elephant; Peter Orszag and his fiancée and his mannish ex (there is only one photo of Claire Milonas online and while she has a feminine figure in it, she also has the face of a preppie man) and their love child; Tavern on the Green topiary giraffe expected to sell for $4,000 at auction; Rex Ryan and his belief that the Jets will win the Super Bowl, and all of the rest of you, I wash my hands of you and wish you all well.
As for the rest of youze…
More corrections to the Arenas/Crittenton story (not that the Post calls them corrections; they know that most of their readers only retain buzzwords like “socialism” and “train-wreck” and “liberal media” from day to day):
* Arenas’ contract was 6 years/$111,000,000. He has already been payed $21,849,940, so what he stands to lose (now that he has been suspended indefinitely) is $89,150,060.
* After Arenas placed four (not one, not three) unloaded guns in Crittenton’s cubicle (not chair) with the note saying “Pick One,” Crittenton pulled out his own gun, loaded it with an ammo clip and cocked it (Crittenton denies that last bit).
* At Tuesday’s game against Philadelphia, Arenas pretended to shoot his teammates in the huddle before the game (which made the decision to suspend him that much easier).
“Governor” Paterson gave his annual State of the State speech in Albany. He called for broad ethics reform. There wasn’t a lot of clapping.
“Lawmakers gave Paterson a perfunctory ovation when he entered the room, but the Assembly’s tiny Republican minority — long the Legislature’s most marginalized group — was alone in showing him support during the speech.”
In a related story, Fredric U. Dicker believes that if Paterson can pass just 75% of his proposals, he has a really good chance of beating Cuomo for the Democratic gubernatorial nomination. Oh, Fredric, you dicker, do you really think a) he’ll get 75% of his proposals passed by the roomful of people that couldn’t even fake support for them or b) that he can beat Cuomo at anything except a “who is more blind” contest.
Frank “Frankie Camp” Campione, 65, soldier in the Colombo crime family, wrote an 8-page letter to his son, Michael. Frankie will soon be going to prison thanks, in no small part, to Michael and his chats with the FBI. Here are some of my favorite excerpts of that letter:
“Michael, that is a no-no. You don’t call those Rat Bastard’s [sic] on nobody. Never mind you [sic] own father. What were you thinking?”
“You are my son and you came from my balls and you should have known better. You have totally crushed me beyond repair.”
“A rat is the worse [sic] thing that anybody can be as far as I’m concerned, I guess you learned that trait from your mother, but she’s a woman and doesn’t understand the laws of the land and family tradition.”
The last birthday card I got from my father read, “You are my son and you came from my balls and happy birthday.” My mother signed the stamp on the envelope because, as a woman, she doesn’t understand the laws of birthday card tradition.
Researchers claim that the electromagnetic waves that emanate from cellular phones may prevent — and possibly even reverse — Alzheimer’s disease.
That’s all well and good, but how do I turn my phone into a TV remote?
You know, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned Sharon Parmet’s blog here. That’s criminal.
http://journalofillustratedscience.blogspot.com/
She’s a terrific artist with a severely twisted sense of humor. If you live in Chicago, go to her exhibitions. If you don’t, read her blog and wish you did.
Oh, Slovakia. Your incompetence is reaching American proportions.
Last Saturday morning, for some reason (that I’m sure made sense when it was first broached), airport security planted two packages of RDX explosives (3 ounces in each) in the suitcase of a Slovakian native who was returning to his new home in Ireland. They wanted to see if the airport dogs would find the contraband and — miracle of miracles! — they did. Except the guy who was in charge of removing the explosives “was called away, and then forgot to return to remove the second parcel.”
So this guy got on his plane and flew back to Dublin. On Tuesday, Slovakia called the Dublin airport. “What was said was unclear, but triggered an alarm by Ireland’s national police. They held the man for three hours as army bomb experts inspected the explosive, still in his bag, and figured out it was all a mixup.”
If Slovakia had money, this guy could totally sue them for it.
The EXCLUSIVE article on page 7 (SECURITY’S NEW METAL MUDDLE) helps terrorists. Here’s how:
A reporter from the Post (Lorena Mongelli) went through airport security with an 8-inch titanium chain in her pocket. The metal detector didn’t beep. She went through again, this time on her wrist. No beep, no questions from the TSA agent.
TSA spokeswoman Ann Davis responded to this by saying that the machines are “tested by TSA every day at every checkpoint” and called it “speculative to suggest that someone could walk on a plane with a titanium blade because of” what Mongelli and Berna Keiler did (which is smuggle titanium onto a plane without alerting the authorities).
This kind of “journalism” is actually beneficial. Any time someone can expose flaws in our security system, I feel it is their duty to do so. Hopefully, the TSA will fix these flaws ASAP.
But did the Post need the graphic chart that lists three titanium weapons that terrorists might could smuggle?
“Any titanium brass knuckles” is silly. Hijacking a plane with your fists? Not bloody likely. B’also? If they’re made of titanium, they aren’t brass knuckles.
“Smith & Wesson urban titanium foldable knife” is different than saying “titanium knife” in that terrorists can now refine their searches online when looking to purchase goods.
Lastly, I had no idea that there were titanium pistols. Maybe al Qaeda didn’t either. But now, not only do they know they exist, but the Post identifies the “Taurus Model 850 CIA hammerless revolver 2850121CIA, .38 special, rubber grip” as their best bet for killing infidels in the sky.
It’s a good thing Mikey Goodwin declared that any future terrorist attack is now 100% Obama’s fault.
Hanes is dropping Charlie Sheen as a spokesman. And yet the philandering Michael Jordan is still OK with them. Heck, so is Kevin Bacon despite his killing all of those people in 1989 and Gary Oldman getting him acquitted and then killing again and rehiring Oldman and then screwing with his mind as he is forced to wrestle with his conscience.
I may or may not be confusing real life with Criminal Law.
Vito Franco, professor of pathological anatomy at the University of Palermo, believes he has solved the riddle of the Mona Lisa’s smile.
He says that the woman who modeled for the painting must have “had a cholesterol deposit in the hollow of her left eye.”
Oh, yeah. Now that he said something, I can totally see that.
Oh hello, Charles Hurt! What bullshit partisan meme would you like to try to stab me in the eyes with this morning? The Democratic Party is crumbling, you say?
Abandon ship! Party is sinking insists that, in the wake of Chris Dodd, Byron Dorgan and Bill Ritter announcing their retirements (they aren’t seeking re-election), the Democrats are “abandoning the ship that is politics” and (therefore) the GOP is the stronger party. The party with courage! The party that doesn’t (¿Cómo se dice?) cut and then also run!
It begins, “You know the ship is in serious trou ble when even the rats start jumping into the frothy abyss rather than risk sticking it out on the cracking boat.”
DAMN!
“Sen. Chris Dodd’s announcement yesterday that he would abandon his hopeless bid for re-election is only the latest in an alarming and growing body of evidence that President Obama and Democrats in Congress have blown through more political good will in one year than most parties do in a decade.”
OH SNAP!
“With elections still 10 months off, 13 incumbent congressional Democrats have decided to give up rather than face the certain wrath of voters.”
BOOM!
“These are the kinds of defections a party suffers when it is toiling away in the forgotten minority, not when they hold a stranglehold in the House and a supermajority in the Senate.”
KA-P… well, now that you mention it, Chuckie, the GOP has 14 incumbents who aren’t seeking re-election. In the House. Just in the House. The Democrats have 10. And the GOP has 6 incumbent senators who are retiring to the Democrats’ two. Of the governors who could seek re-election but are choosing not to, the Democrats have three saying goodbye. The GOP has five — including their shining star of stupid, Sarah Palin.
So, if 15 retiring politicians is equivalent to rats deserting a sinking ship, what’s 25? Would you equate that to mental patients trying to put out a kitchen fire by hitting it with newborn babies?
Although, to be fair, he did say that these defections are to be expected by the forgotten minority (which, it turns out, is the Republican Party and not that kid who played Short Round and Data, as I’d always assumed it was).
Mike Parry is running for Minnesota State Senate. He uses Twitter. One of his tweets from May 27th: “read the exclusive on Mr O in Newsweek. He is a Power Hungry Arrogant Black Man”
When this came up in discussion on the campaign trail, Parry offered this explanation: “My opinion is that our president is arrogant and angry. The fact is that he is a black man. Now if the Democratic Party and the liberals want to take my opinion and the fact and mix it together and use it to bring a bad light about me and keep them away from discussing the real issues they can do that all they want. They’re grasping for straws.”
Why, are they sharing a milkshake? Also, you can’t knock mixing opinion and fact and run as a Republican.
Bonus points: After the Matthew Shepard Act was passed, Parry twatted “what’s with Dems and Pedophiles?” (his intermittent capitalization is almost Palinian!)
Protecting homosexuals who are targeted for beatings (or worse) merely for being homosexuals is pretty much the same thing as molesting children. Good to know, Mike.
Big article on page 11 about the aftermath of Casey Johnson’s death (TEQUILA HOWLS). For the first time, Casey Johnson isn’t insulted by the author. Tequila, on the other hand, is “weepy and whiny.”
Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips went to Tila’s house to pick up Casey’s belongings, including Casey’s two dogs. Tequila insisted on her blog that the two aforementioned “celebrities” (shudder) “bombarded my home, to try to take the pups away so they can put them to sleep so they can bury the dogs with Casey.” Bijou later denied those allegations (to the other people at the bus stop).
One question (plus a follow-up): I can understand picking up some things that the family might want, but who goes to a dead person’s girlfriend’s house and demands the deceased’s toiletries? Especially if they were in Tila Tequila’s bathroom?
Watch out, L.A. I think they’re about to start pre-production on Outbreak 2 (if you know what I mean).
According to Page Six (today on page 14), Jim Carrey is no longer playing Curly in the Three Stooges biopic, but Benicio del Toro is still Moe and Sean Penn is still Harvey Milk. I mean Larry.
Also, Tareq and Michaele Salahi are being paid $5,000 to “play host” at the nightclub Pure in Las Vegas on January 16th. I hope the person(s) who handled Tupac is reading this.
Artie Lange stabbed himself nine times (“six ‘hesitation wounds’ and three deep plunges”) in what is believed to be a suicide attempt. His mother found him in his apartment in Hoboken (she was there to drop off food) and called 911. Lange was rushed to the hospital and, despite massive bleeding, made it through the surgery.
We wish him a speedy recovery.
The rep for Loredana Jolie (real name: Loredana Ferriolo) has announced her client’s intention to become a professional golfer. Loredana was Miss February in the Post’s recent Tiger Woods’ Mistresses Calendar (and, according to a famous madam, a whore).
“Loredana has quite a talent for golf, though I don’t know if she learned anything from Tiger … She is not worried that it might bring her face-to-face with Tiger.”
…and that’s the full 15 minutes. Say goodnight, Loredana.
Researchers claim that the electromagnetic waves that emanate from cellular phones may prevent — and possibly even reverse — Alzheimer’s disease.
That’s all well and good, but how do I turn my phone into a TV remote?
Mandrea’s back!
In the 2 of her 5 items that resonated with me, she calls Joan Rivers a “plastic-surgery veteran,” the jealousy just oozing through the printed word (Just shut up already, Joan), and she ridicules the POTUS (and Jimmy Carter) in the delightful BARACK CARTER.
“As the presidency of Barack Obama sinks further into the muck of reality, I’m hearing the previously unthinkable said. People are comparing our ineffectual leader to that paragon of impotence — the worst president of the modern age — Jimmy Carter.”
Comparing Obama to Carter was previously unthinkable? When?
“There were whispers of Carter-like vacillation as far back as the campaign, but wholesale comparisons didn’t raise their heads until May, with a piece on Forbes.com. Now, all bets are off.”
Oh, it was previously unthinkable when most of the country had never heard of him. Solid logic, can’t argue with that.
“Obama was so paralyzed, or bored, by the idea of foreign hatred, he took three days to get out of his Hawaii vacation rabbit hole and make a hurried statement about the crotch bomber who wrecked Christmas.”
Bush took 6 days (of vacation) to comment on the shoe bomber. Was he paralyzed of foreign hatred or bored? I mean those are the only two options, right?
But, please, do go on.
“The latest comparison to Carter ineptitude comes from historian Walter Mead in Foreign Policy magazine. Lest you think conservatives have cornered the criticism, even the loyal, lefty New York Times is taking subtle pot shots at our leader.”
Subtle pot shots by The New York Times? And comparisons to Carter ineptitude (uh… do you mean Carterian ineptitude?) by Foreign Policy?
“Cheer up, Mr. President. There are worse people to be compared to than Carter, although I can’t think of any.”
Me neither! That is a toughie! Who, in the history of everything, was worse than Jimmy Carter? No one, right?
God, this is going to keep me up all night! Worse than Carter… worse than Carter…
“New sign going up in Newark’s Liberty Airport: ‘Two frights daily.’”
In all seriousness, it’s a really nice box and I really think you need to get in it, Cindy.
Andrew Cuomo just subpoenaed State Senator Pedro Espada’s records (including his e-mails, texts, expenses and phone records).
Bring this scumbag down, Andy, and you could campaign in blackface and still become our next governor.
Mail call!
Gary Schwartz of Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in to defend our greatest living American, Dick Cheney. “A new government came to power in 2008 with the attitude that the United States is the problem and that all we have do [sic] is make nice for all to be right in the world. Cheney sees the evil in this madness, and he is condemned for having the guts to speak the unspeakable.”
I’m pretty sure that, if something gets spoken, it’s not unspeakable.
John W. Fox of Galloway, New Jersey (don’t you assholes have your own newspapers to read?) rewrites history with, “Since Obama’s goal is to convert this nation to socialism, his defensive team is ordered to quickly demonize critics, like Cheney who, along with Bush, helped keep is safe after 9/11.”
Incidentally, what was their record on keeping us safe during 9/11? And they aren’t demonizing a critic — they’re critiquing a demon.
Dick Morris and his female co-writer who may or may not participate in “water sports” with him (like the second-greatest living American, Glenn Beck, I’m not accusing anyone of anything — I’m merely posing a question) equate the retirement of two Democratic senators and one governor to swine flu (“Other than the H1N1 virus, the most contagious disease in our nation’s capital is retirement. The more Democrats that quit, the more others are encouraged to hang it up.”).
What they neglect to mention is that the “others” are 25 Republicans (10 more than the Democrats). So, if 15 retiring politicians is borderline-H1N1, then what’s the medical equivalent of 25 retiring politicians? Ebola? AIDS? Casey Johnson’s toiletries?
Warner Brothers reached an agreement with Netflix wherein the DVD-by-mail service with wait 28 days before offering new WB DVDs and Blu-Ray discs.
This agreement would have come in really handy before 90% of America’s video stores closed, Warner Brothers. Nice timing.
Let me try this again, Alex.
The Nets lost again last night (by 30 points!), bringing their record to a shameful 3-32 (or 8.6% a.k.a. 0.086).
Did I do good, boss?
Goodbye, Shelley Duncan. Goodbye, Eric Hinske.
How’s the negotiating going, Johnny Damon? Wanna reconsider the $6,000,000/1-year offer from the Yankees?
Researchers claim that the electromagnetic waves that emanate from cellular phones may prevent — and possibly even reverse — Alzheimer’s disease.
That’s all well and good, but how do I turn my phone into a TV remote?
Tomorrow is Friday. After that is the weekend, which everybody’s working for.
G’night!
According to the Huffington Post, one of the reasons that that security breach couldn’t be found by Newark Airport security the other day?
“Federal agents weren’t able to immediately retrieve surveillance images of a man who breached security at Newark Liberty International Airport because a camera system wasn’t working properly.
John Kelly, a Port Authority of New York and New Jersey spokesman, said the camera at a security checkpoint was streaming live images but wasn’t recording them.
That made it impossible for Transportation Security Administration personnel to check an image of a man seen walking in through an exit door Sunday evening until it could view tapes from a nearby Continental Airlines surveillance camera.”
I feel incredibly safe. You?
I forgot to mention the conversation I had with Teresa at 2:00 a.m. on Monday morning (I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately). She was snoring, then stopped and said “F you.” I replied, “F me?” and she countered with an incredulous “Not you“ followed by an immediate return to sleep and more snoring.
I had to leave the room to laugh, so as not to wake her.
I love my wife a lot.
Hey, Woody Johnson! Two things:
1) Did you know that, like Peter O’Toole, you have a double-phallic name?
2) Did you know that your train-wreck daughter is dead?
Well, today’s Post (New York, not Huffington) has her on the cover (again) and on pages 4, 5, 6, and 7 (today’s headline is Poor little rich girl). They speak of your “tragic” daughter who spent months “in a suicidal drug haze,” living in “a garbage-filled, rented house with no electricity, water or gas — but with rats in the pool — as she battled illness and emotional demons.”
Page 6 is a full-color nude photo (a scarf strategically covers most of her naughty bits) and page 7 has a nice shot of her and “celebutards Paris and Nicky Hilton and Kim Kardashian.”
Good luck in the playoffs.
Bill Thompson said he won’t run against Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, but sources say that Mayor Bloomberg would back Harold Ford, Jr. if he did.
I used to love Ford, but lately he’s been inflecting his words like Jesse Jackson. If he always spoke like that, I never noticed. If not, that’s creepy.
Governor Paterson has introduced an ethics-reform package that would require legislators who moonlight for law firms to make public their client lists. Sadly, there has never been a lamer duck than Paterson. His own party treats him like crap. B’also? This is a band-aid on the cancer.
If you are an elected official, that’s your job. Period. If you don’t think a six-figure salary is enough to live on, don’t go into politics. Why is this so hard to get behind? Did you people learn nothing from Joe Bruno?
Someone hacked Ahmadinejad’s Web site (who doesn’t have one nowadays, am I right?) and posted a note to God lamenting his taking Michael Jackson (“my favorite singer”), Farrah Fawcett (“my favorite actress”), Patrick Swayze (“my favorite actor”) and Neda (“my favorite voice”) and begging him (her?), “Please, please don’t forget my favorite politician, Ahmadinejad, and my favorite dictator, Khameni, in the year 2010. Thank you.”
Iranian authorities are currently looking for the hacker, but with little to go on. All they know for sure is that he (she?) had horrible taste in the performing arts.
The Post covers the Newark Airport surveillance story on page 8, right next to Underwear briefing (see what they did there?) which is sub-headlined O’s knickers in knot as he rips terror team.
If you write for this awful paper, Obama is damned if he do and damned if he don’t. Context is immaterial.
The end of the story promises more partisan hackery on page 11 (thy name… is Goodwin).
Remember Jayson Williams? He shot his limo driver with a shotgun? Then tried to make it look like an accident? Got Tasered by cops last April after trying to kill himself? Was supposed to take a plea deal in his manslaughter case, but never showed up to court and might face a retrial as a result? Well, he got into a car accident yesterday at 3:15 a.m. and suffered facial lacerations and a broken bone in his neck.
He had just exited the northbound FDR Drive at 20th Street when he drove his lovely Mercedes SUV into a tree at East 18th Street and Avenue C. He was profoundly drunk.
My favorite part? He’s slid into the passenger’s seat and told cops he wasn’t driving… not realizing that surveillance cameras at the scene prove he was the only person in the car.
Poor Jayson Williams. If only his chauffeur was dri… oh. Right. Never mind.
Michael Goodwin has risen. He has four sections on his page today. The smallest is the uni-sentenced Now THAT’S a stud (“To claims Warren Beatty bedded 12,775 women, I have two words: Go, Tiger!”) and the largest is Out-to-lunch O living out a disaster film which chastises Obama for being on vacation and waiting to long to comment on Jim Carrey-on.
“If America gets hit again, it’s on him. All of it.”
Does that mean that we can blame Bush and Cheney for 9/11? All of it?
I keep wavering between assuming Goodwin knows he’s full of shit but knows what he needs to write in order to keep his cushy Post gig, and thinking that he’s suffering from dementia. Either way, I wish he’d cut out the inflammatory and spurious arguments.
The new spokesperson for Jenny Craig?
Jason Alexander.
If he’s half as successful as Kirstie Alley, he’ll weigh 700 pounds by next month.
A-Rod and Kate Hudson are officially over.
I guess the Yankees won’t win the World Series this year.
According to Page Six (today on page 16), Al Gore was seen eating at David Burke Townhouse (!) and “Eli Manning and the Giants’ entire offensive line [were] devouring steaks at Strip House” (but every time someone asked Eli to pass the salt, he dropped it on the floor and someone from another table grabbed it).
Cindy Adams decides there isn’t enough in today’s paper on Casey Johnson’s death (Johnson’s fall tragic).
If she isn’t dead by year’s end, I may have to take matters into my own hands.
(not really, your honor)
Goddamnit. Yet another Jed Resnik Idea (patent pending) has been usurped.
Benjamin Herson (of Oregon) and Jeff Deck (of Massachusetts) traveled across the country fixing typos on public signs. They have been charged with vandalism.
B’also? They got a $150,000 advance to write a book about their adventure (tentatively titled The Great Typo Hunt).
Sigh. At least I still have my dream of going from Chinese restaurant to Chinese restaurant and charging $0.05 per corrected typo to proofread their menus.
The Nets lost by 22 points last night, giving them a 3-31 record.
That’s a 0.088% average.
That’s abyssmal.
Randy Johnson has announced that he is retiring.
Really? What next? Are The Spin Doctors breaking up, too?
For only $50, you can turn your iPhone into a remote for your TV!
Or, for free, you can use your remote as a remote for your TV!
Modern Family returns tonight (ABC @ 9:00 a.m.). You should be watching it.
And, on that note, it’s time for the boy who got four hours of sleep (not in a row) to start tidying/hallucinating.
Until tomorrow…
Howard Stern manipulates Sarah Palin’s audio book.
The filthiest thing I’ve heard in years.
You’re welcome.
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