Archive for January, 2010
Casey Johnson, 30, is dead (HEIRESS DEAD is the headline, Jets owner’s daughter Casey, 30 is the sub-head, and the little banner at the very bottom of the page — the only other item on the front page — GIANTS BOSS BLASTS BIG BLUE AS AX FALLS).
Sure, one could argue that maybe (just maybe) the thing about the “Giants boss” shouldn’t have shared space with the story of the death of the 30-year-old child of the “Jets boss,” but why nitpick when you have this touching opening sentence for Casey’s tale: “Train-wreck Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, the wild-child daughter of Jets owner Woody Johnson, was found dead in her LA home yesterday.”
Train-wreck.
Well, let’s see how the main article on page 7 begins: “Train-wreck heiress Casey Johnson…”
Classy.
At the time of her death, Casey was dating Tila Tequila. Here are some of Ms. Tequila’s tweets on the matter (in chronological order):
“Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson. She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w family.”
“just got news that my fiance is not dead but currently in a coma!!!… I’m almost home baby please hang on!”
“R.I.P. my Angel. I love you so much and we will Marry when I see U in Heaven my Wifey.”
Tequila told RadarOnline and TMZ (and really, who else would a grieving widow talk to?) that she believes Johnson OD’d on prescription pills.
I wonder if referring to his dead daughter as a train-wreck (twice!) will affect how much access the Post’s sportspeeps get from the Jets…
Congratulations, Elections Systems & Software! You’ll be providing New York with your easily-hackable no-paper-trail-giving voting machines! Make sure to thank your lobbyists, at least one of whom testified that he has rigged elections in the past!
(waves miniature American flag)
Congratulations, United Arab Emirates! Your Burj Khalifa is now the tallest building in the world at 2,717 feet! And it only cost $1,500,000,000 to build (construction workers were paid $5 a day)! Fun fact: the original name of the building was Burj Dubai (“Dubai Tower”), but since Dubai’s real-estate bubble burst, officials decided to name it after Sheik Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan instead!
Morgan Freeman is the new voice of the CBS Evening News.
I hope he uses his Nelson Mandela voice.
Berna Keiler, 62, has a 14-inch titanium rod implanted in her right hip.
At airports in L.A., Phoenix, Dallas, Hong Kong, Taipei and Tokyo, her implant has set off the metal detectors.
Whenever she went through the metal detectors at JFK Airport, the alarm would sound. Until she went through Terminal 7 on October 21, 2009. No alarm. She told a TSA agent, who had her walk through again. Still no alarm. But the guard told Keiler “I can assure you the tests are correct.”
On December 4, 2009, she went through the Terminal 7 detectors at JFK again. Again, no alarm. She again complained and got an e-mail the next day assuring her that all of the metal detectors were working fine.
I feel incredibly safe. You?
A developmentally disabled 5-year-old was left on a Brooklyn bus for over an hour yesterday — as the bus’ driver and wife had breakfast in a nearby diner. Police have arrested the druver and bus matron.
War criminals. All of them.
I don’t feel so good. I’m-a take a nice hot bath and try to relax.
And there’s nothing you can say or do to stop me.
Until tomorrow…
And I hate Garfield, which would imply that I like Mondays (the enemy of my enemy is my friend, etc.). And yet… despite my lack of an office to go to, I hate Mondays, too. They mark the end of my weekend (aka the days where I see my wife for more than a few hours), plus they seem to piss off most of the general public — and that’s who I ride public transportation with.
Teresa had a heavy bag to take in with her this morning, so I chaperoned (and dromedaried)*. That meant that at just before 8:45 a.m., I was simultaneously saying goodbye to Teresa and starting to get the I-need-coffee shakes (mmm… coffee shakes…). I hopped on the bus to go back the way I came (fun fact: if you take a bus to, say, drop something off and then get on the same line [in either direction] within the next 20 minutes, your “unlimited” card won’t work. They’re war criminals, I tell you.).
Anyhoodles, I decided to stay on the warm bus instead of getting off at the 79th Street B/C stop (the angry homeless man yelling at passers-by helped me make that decision) and took the 1 to 14th Street for an extra-large Dunkin Donuts coffee (black). I made it to the train and managed to read my paper and sip my coffee without getting in anyone’s way or spilling a single drop… until Bergen Street. Enter Angry Old Asian Lady. She chose the seat next to me (one of at least 7 open seats) and literally pushed me as she sat down (there was enough room that she didn’t have to). Coffee spilled on my arm, jacket pocket and pants. She smiled and mumbled something in Asian.
“Thank you,” I said sarcastically as I wiped the spill up with Kleenex (fun fact: they shred as you rub them against your puffy coat!). She just stared forward, still smirking, still mumbling.
What do you do in this situation? I’m not going to yell at her (what’s the point?) or spill coffee on her (that’s assault, brah), so what options remained? Thankfully, last night’s quiche dinner answered my question for me at Smith and 9th Street.
It left me without a sound and even I had no idea how potent it would be. But potent it was. In fact, it was so foul that I had to get up and stand by the door for the last two stops. I watched the expression on her face in the door’s reflection and felt vindicated.
Sadly, I may have to throw out these jeans.
*I either want to invent a delicious beverage made from camel’s milk and open a “dromedairy” or I want to sell a reality show about the highs and lows of working in a milk-bottling plant called Drama Dairy. Where my investors at?
Here’s what the front page tells me today: The Jets made the playoffs (yawn), the “facts” in the NBA gun scandal that the Post has “exclusively” been reporting for the last few days are not “facts” in the literal sense, and there’s a 2010 Tiger Woods’ babes calendar inside (I bet Mandrea is fuming, but I guess it beats making them all sex advice columnists).
Here are the “new and improved facts” in the NBA story:
* It was a $60,000 debt that Gilbert Arenas owed.
* Javaris Crittenton paid the $60,000 to a third player (JaVale McGee) on Arenas’ behalf, with the understanding that Arenas would pay him back.
* Arenas laid out three guns on a chair along with a handwritten note that read “Pick one.”
* Crittenton picked up “at least” one of the guns and threw it across the room.
* Stupid people continue to enjoy sharing their stupidity via Twitter. Here are Arenas’ latest two tweets regarding the scandal: 1) “why would i owe sumbody money and pull a pistol out sounds a little backwards rt… yea rt.” 2) “if i wasnt playin ball ill might be workin at Mc donalds… becuz i like there frys.”
Good to see he’s sticking with the Chewbacca defense (and illiteracy).
According to SEXY G-SPOT A MYTH, a group of scientists (what’s their collective noun? A hypothesis of scientists? A theory? A laboratory? A depressing ponytail?) at King’s College London studied 1,804 female twins and have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a “G-spot.” Their proof is that over half of the women claimed to have a G-spot, but when one twin would say she had one, her identical twin wouldn’t be any more likely to have one. Which is fairly conclusive, no?
Co-author of the study, Tim Spector, said, “This is by far the biggest study ever carried out, and it shows fairly conclusively that the idea of a G-spot is subjective.” It’s all in your heads, ladies. The G-spot is an anatomical placebo created by Ernst Gräfenberg to mess with you.
Pity the girlfriends and wives of these scientists.
Frank Catalano, 57, of Huntington, Long Island, is suing Zicam. He says that using it (in January of 2009) robbed him of his senses of smell and taste. He has since lost over 60 pounds.
Increasing his odds for a win: Zicam was pulled from shelves in June 2009, after a study found links between Zicam and anosmia (loss of smell).
In a related story, if you have any bottles of Zicam in your cupboard, send them on over. My current diet is taking far too long for my taste.
(sorry)
More story-changing factoids!
The crazy man who attacked (and tried to kill) the Danish cartoonist (who drew Mohammed) is alive and standing trial. Cops shot him in the hand and knee (super-painful, not fatal). The assailant didn’t trip an alarm; the cartoonist activated “an alarm button” in his home and then dashed into a fortified bathroom (panic room with toilet = brilliant).
But what of his 5-year-old granddaughter? He left her behind.
“I feared for my grandchild. But she did great. I knew he wouldn’t do anything to her.”
“Even as he swung an axe at me and screamed for my death, I knew he wouldn’t do anything bad to a 5-year-old… He just had one of those faces.”
I might not fly for a while. I wouldn’t be able to handle what happened at Newark Airport yesterday very well.
At around 5:30 p.m., a man “who had not been screened entered an area for screened passengers through an exit.” Everyone in the area (the Continental terminal) was forced to leave and go through security again. “At least 20 flights were affected. The first flight after passengers were rescreened left at 11:27 p.m.”
But this is the thing that kills me: “The man had not been found by late last night, but by 10 p.m., the TSA said agents had swept the area and everything was secure.”
“Attention, everyone! Sorry for delaying you and forcing you to take off your shoes for a second time and waiting in twice as many lines and all that. I know it’s a hassle, but we had to do it for your safety. When we saw a man enter an exit and somehow make his way into a secure area without any clearance, we knew we had to act fast. So we had agents sweep the area. And now everything’s secure.”
“So you found the guy?”
“Nope.”
“Wait. Nope? You put this terminal in lockdown for hours, looked through your surveillance tapes, spoke to eyewitnesses and despite misplacing the target of your investigation, you’ve concluded that everything is secure?”
“A-yup.”
“Are you excited for Conveyor Belt of Love?”
“A-yup.”
Charles “Shouldbe” Hurt is like the quintessential armchair quarterback, except his chair smells of bum piss, he can’t really see his television (which has the sound off and is showing cartoons) and he keeps reprimanding LeBron James and Derek Jeter for not blitzing enough.
“First it was delusion. Now it is denial. Let’s just hope the Obama administration works through this vexing 12-step program they’re in before al Qaeda decides to launch another attack.”
Oh, you’re concerned about al Qaeda attacks? Did you know that in August of 2001, then-POTUS George W. Bush was told that al Qaeda was planning on using jetliners as bombs? Did you know that on August 6, 2001, the CIA sent Bush a daily intelligence briefing which claimed they had “detected patterns of suspicious activity in this country consistent with preparations for hijackings,” and that no one in the Bush administration thought it was important enough to follow up on? Did you know what that briefing was titled? “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the U.S.”
But please, Churlie, continue.
“‘There is no smoking gun,’ [John] Brennan whined on Fox News Sunday. There was no single piece of intelligence that said, ‘This guy is going to get on a plane.” Really? Osama bin Laden didn’t send us a postcard before 9/11 with a picture of a smoking gun and four planes turned into missiles filled with precious Americans.”
See above, Churlie.
“Of course there was ‘no single piece of intelligence’ that spelled it out. You have to put the pieces together, genius. Anyway, we’re not talking about a 5,000-piece puzzle here. This was more like one of those children’s puzzles with four giant pieces that have to be laid out on the floor, and each piece gives you a pretty good idea of what you’re looking at.”
See above, Churlie. Then go back to sexually (and racially) harassing your underlings.
Avatar grossed $68,300,000 this weekend, giving it a total of $1,018,811,000 in worldwide box office. Only four other movies have ever hit the 10-digit mark: The Dark Knight ($1,001,921,825), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest ($1,066,179,725), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King ($1,119,110,941) and Titanic ($1,842,879,955).
The Post has Sherlock Holmes in second place with $34,400,000 and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel in third with $36,600,000. Wait… what? Boxofficemojo.com says Sherlock did finish second — but with $38,385,000 — and Alvin was indeed third with $36,600,000.
What a country.
When her friends asked her what her husband got her for Christmas, Elin Nordegren said, “Three-hundred million dollars, thank you very much.” And then they all laughed.
I hope Tiger reads that (and the tasteful calendar!) and is able to overcome the severe depression you used to blather on about, horrible newspaper.
“Andrea Peyser… is on vacation.”
Yay!
The main concourse of Grand Central Terminal at rush hour? 73 decibels (dB).
Union Square (across from Whole Foods)? 74 dB.
Times Square (near the military recruitment station)? 76 dB.
Herald Square? 78 dB.
West Side Highway? 83 dB.
The corner of 42nd Street and 5th Avenue? 87 dB.
The noisiest public place in all of NYC? The F, V. B, D platform underneath Bryant Park (93 dB), which I frequent.
What else can the MTA steal from me besides my hearing and bus routes and money?
Election Systems & Software looks like it will win the multimillion-dollar contract to replace all of the city’s lever-operated voting machines. One of the lobbyists they hired to give them the edge in this lucrative endeavor is Anthony Mangone.
You may remember Anthony from the trial he testified at in 2002 (against Dennis Wedra Sr., accused of masterminding a ballot-fixing scheme for then-state Senator Nicholas Spano [R-Westchester]). Mangone said that he (personally) altered 30 Green Party ballots to help Spano win third-party primaries (under Wedra’s guidance). Wedra was acquitted, Mangone was never charged.
Thank God we’re finally getting rid of those pesky paper trails!
Chris Cornell and his wife (Vicky) had a lovely wedding in 2004 and made a lovely wedding video to commemorate the occasion. It was stolen. Then it would up on Craigslist billed as “lost footage of Brittany Murphy” (she was a bridesmaid).
He’s demanding that Criagslist tell him the identity of the seller so that he can press many, many charges.
Kevin Connolly (Entourage) and Chloë Sevigny (Big Love)… an item?
Their kids will have absolutely no acting ability whatsoever!
Fun fact: Paris Hilton and her boyfriend (Doug something) share their bed with Paris’ pet pig (Princess Piglette).
Who will be the first to catch a disease from who?
Cindy Adams came back (alive-ish) from Chile. She went there with her two closest friends: Judge Judy and her husband, Judge Jerry. So (*sigh*), how was the trip, Cindy?
“Here, you can camp, range, sail, trek with guides, horseback ride with gauchos — that is you can. I didn’t. I can barely walk Madison Avenue. The Explora Lounge features full-day in-depth excursions. Judge Judy and I played gin.”
Get. In. The box.
(and welcome back!)
(but, seriously, stop fighting it)
A guy stabbed a 10-year-old to death while playing video games with him a couple of days ago.
Less than two weeks earlier — on Christmas Eve, no less — Alejandro Morales (a schizophrenic prone to uncontrollable fits of violent rage, despite medication and therapy) was at a movie theater in Times Square with his mother seeing Sherlock Holmes. During the movie, he started to pace in the theater, repeatedly muttering “I feel like killing someone.”
His mother took him to a treatment facility, but Morales was released (they didn’t have enough beds).
“Well, I guess that’s that. Thank you for your time, Mrs. Morales. Oh… just one more thing, ma’am… you say you were seeing Sherlock Holmes? On Christmas Eve, right? December 24th? Huh. Because, and correct me if I’m wrong, but that movie opened on Christmas Day, no? December 25th?”
“Curse you, Lt. Columbo. I almost got away with it!”
Edwina, the oldest duck in England, is dead at the age of 22.
Godspeed, duck.
Texas and Kraft are trying to out-durdle each other.
Kraft has a new Cheddar Explosion ad campaign (guess the Smiles campaign didn’t work, huh?) and Irving, Texas (the only Irving in Texas, I’d wager) has the Dallas Cowboys’ old stadium.
Therefore, Kraft is co-sponsoring the essay contest that will decide who gets to push the button that sets off the explosives that will blow up Texas Stadium.
“Good news, Texans! One of you will get to blow up a big building! Bad news, Texans! To qualify, you have to write an essay!”
It’s like rain on your wedding day or 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife (and are too dim to use a spoon as a knife).
Today’s full-page complaintvertisement (patent pending) is from Jim Samples (President, HGTV) and Brooke Johnson (President, Food Network) (if they got married and she hyphenated her last name, she’d be Brooke Samples-Johnson! Or Brooke Johnson-Samples! Win-win!).
You know, if these channels stopped taking out gigantic ads about how they can’t afford Cablevision’s demands, they’d probably be able to afford Cablevision’s demands.
Vomit Johnson-Samples (sorry, Ralph Peters) begins Terrorism’s Triumphant Techniques with “Our terrorist enemies are out-thinking us. It’s not only embarrassing, but deadly.”
He continues his love letter to the crafty wit of cave-dwelling terrorists (he calls suicide bombers “the poor man’s precision arsenal” and that “we still can’t beat” Improvised Explosive Devices), leading up to, “I want to see every one of those enemies dead. But I have to acknowledge their commitment, their maddened courage and their genius at waging war for peanuts.”
Didn’t Bill Maher get fired for merely saying that the 9/11 hijackers weren’t cowards? And Ralph Peters gets to call our terrorist enemies “committed and courageous geniuses” and keep his job?
“They ask themselves, ‘What works?’ We ask ourselves what the lawyers will say. The crucial difference? Our enemies believe in victory, even if we don’t.”
Here’s why I think Ralphie-boy is giving these testicle-immolating nimrods way too much credit: Hollywood. Filmmakers (not the brightest stars in the sky, mind you) make great films on shoestring budgets when they’re forced to come up with ways to do the most with what little they have.
One of the things people love about Monty Python and the Holy Grail is the use of someone clapping coconut halves together to create the sound of a horse, rather than an actual horse. And they credit the troupe (and the directing Terries) for such a brilliant idea. Except it wasn’t an idea that they chose, it was there by necessity. They couldn’t afford horses and, at the last minute, they had to come up with a Plan B. If their budget was bigger, everyone would have been on a horse. No coconuts.
al Qaeda is to be feared. All terrorists should be hunted down and killed. Sure. But to say that suicide bombers and IEDs are these brilliant strategies that we should revere is laughable. If you give a terrorist one grenade and tell him to inflict the most damage/fear, he’ll walk into a marketplace and blow himself up (you know, for Allah!). Or he’ll set it up so that a passing truckload of American soldiers will trigger it. This doesn’t make him a brainiac, it means he can do simple math in his head. Bravo.
Likewise, whatever budget you give our military, they’ll figure out a way to fight a war with that amount (and then they’ll complain that they need a few trillion more).
So please, sweet Ralph, stop man-crushing on our enemies. It’s unbecoming.
Jason Bay just passed his physical.
Welcome (back) to the Mets, Jason.
Fun fact: According to the sports section, there is a human being with the name D’Brickashaw Ferguson.
‘Real’ stupid is an in-depth look at tonight’s impending car wreck, Conveyor Belt of Love.
Hey, executive producer Tom Shelly! Explain this complicated show to me!
“They’re on a conveyor belt, and it’s bringing out guys like those sushi bars that roll along, where you’ve got to pick up the sushi yourself.”
Wait… the women have to physically remove the men from the conveyor belt? Is that supposed to be a fun way to put speed dating on TV?
“It’s supposed to be a fun way to put speed dating on TV, with an interesting twist.”
That twist, I’m assuming, is the presence of a conveyor belt.
Tom assures viewers that they’ll “be surprised by who ends up getting picked at the end and who doesn’t.”
I’d be surprised if anybody’s surprised by anything remotely connected to this terrible idea… but then I said the same thing about Point at More Briefcases or Stop Pointing at Briefcases.
G’night, kids!
Like, ridiculously cold. Like, Hoth cold. Like, you have to stop walking because the wind is blowing too hard against you to continue.
Why it gots to be so cold in my Brooklyn?
Luckily, I have today’s Post to warm me (as my blood begins to boil).
Continuing their back-patting-filled EXCLUSIVE, TEXAS HOLD UP traces the origin of last month’s Mexican standoff in the Washington Wizards locker room to a gambling debt. Apparently, Gilbert Arenas owed Javaris Crittenton $25,000 from a high-stakes poker game the two were involved in. The article implies that Arenas was trying to get out of his debt by intimidating Crittenton. He laid three guns in front of Crittenton and told him to pick one of them up. Crittenton allegedly replied that he had his own gun and didn’t need any of Arenas’. Viva la teamwork.
Arenas has admitted to gambling away his Wizards per diem ($93), gambling on the team jet, and (my personal favorite) running to the locker room during half-time to play online poker.
I wonder if the irony of possibly losing $100,000,000 over a $25,000 debt is lost on the man who may never play in his last name again.
Beautifulpeople.com has always been the dating site for the wealthiest and prettiest folks (you have to be voted in by current members — they literally have a “no ugly people policy”). In 2010, the site recently announced, they will be thinning their herd (no pun intended) by 5,000 (of their 500,000 current members) who they feel have gained too much weight since joining.
All of a sudden, Homer Simpson’s “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt moves from amusing to prescient.
The East Village is losing many of their famous resale stores. Love Saves the Day is gone, as are O Mistress Mine and Poppet. Atomic Passion and Cherry are expected to follow.
I plan on purchasing all of their inventories and opening the world’s first online resale resale shop. Where my investors at?
Fun fact: All of those boutique shops in Bryant Park? Not wheelchair accessible! Not a single one!
They’re all positioned on platforms that sit one foot (1′) off the ground. This had to be an oversight, right, Bryant Park spokesman Joe Carrella?
“[ADA compliance for all the shops] is unfeasible due to space limitations and general safety concerns.”
Take that, people in wheelchairs! We only want customers whose legs work!
I plan on inventing a one-foot (1′) ramp that can easily be attached to store entrances that sit one foot (1′) off of the ground. Where my investors at?
The T&LC (which couldn’t possibly be confused with TLC the band, TLC the TV channel or tender loving care) was supposed to set up shared cabs by 2010. That’s, um, now.
Late January is the new target date. OK, that’s not too bad. The MTA would have set the new target at 2015 — and they’d still fail to meet the deadline.
B’also? The shared-taxi stand that was to be set up on West 44th Street from 10:30 to 11:30 p.m. every weeknight (intended primarily for people being let out of Midtown’s many this-was-once-a-movie-but-now-it’s-a-garish-musical-for-some-reason productions, but also for the quadrillion tourists that Times Square suckles in her Bubba-Gump-Shrimp-Company-shaped bosom)? Not gonna happen. T&LC nixed it.
Alex Reiger wouldn’t stand for this shit.
Black Dan Dunford (neé Dominic Carter) is the subject of a 2-page EXCLUSIVE (‘I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON’) that tries to really hammer home just how sorry he is (some examples: “Carter said in a tearful interview” and “his voice wavered and his eyes brimmed with tears” and “he said, tears streaking his cheeks”).
“‘I don’t set the alarm anymore. I wake up. I sit around the house. I read the papers, watch a movie. Sometimes I cry a lot, but I try not to do it around my kids… For me to be forced to be home all day, it’s like I’m in jail,’ he said over a breakfast of bacon, Egg Beaters and wheat toast at a diner near his Rockland County home.”
Unintentional hilarity is the hilariousest (hilariest?) hilarity there is.
Michael Goodwin… is on vacation.
Yay!
Coming soon to a theater near you: Burlesque.
Christina Aguilera stars as a small-town girl who moves to Los Angeles and “finds herself working in a Sunset Boulevard burlesque club run by Cher.”
Everyone that just read that, I encourage you to get tested. For everything. Just in case.
Newsmax Cruise! Newsmax Cruise!
Leaving Fort Lauderdale on March 21, returning a week later! Stopping in Puerto Rico, St. Maarten, Turks & Caicos and the Bahamas! And featuring Ralph Reed of the Christian Coalition! Grover Norquist! John Fund! Ronald Kessler! And Dick Morris! What a fantastic idea!
Attention Somali pirates: The people attending this cruise are worth trillions.
A Spanish inventor has infused bed sheets with Viagara. For people who’d prefer to asborb the boner catalyst, instead of taking a pill.
I plan on inventing bed sh… oh. Right. Never mind.
Peter Biskind wrote a book on Warren Beatty and his legendary sexual prowess (Star). “Revealed: 12,775 conquests” (take that, Chamberlain!) including Jane Fonda (“I thought he was gay,” she says of their first meeting; Beatty would later gush about her sexual prowess “due to her ability to virtually unhinge her jaw, like a python that swallows prey much larger than itself.”), Joan Collins (“Later, a skeptic asked her if they really had sex seven times a day. She replied, ‘Maybe he did, but I just lay there.’”) and Madonna (“He would tell director Glenn Gordon Caron a few years later, ‘Never, ever fuck your leading lady. And if you do, don’t stop till the picture’s finished.’”).
A pregnant Carole King and Fran Drescher (“I sure as hell knew a ménage-à-troiserino when I saw one”) are among those who managed to somehow turn Mr. Beatty down.
Available wherever softcore pornography is sold.
Unwelcome Truths is an editorial that defends Dick Cheney. Really.
“That the White House feels the need to respond to Cheney so quickly and vehemently suggests two things:
* First, that they believe the former veep is a lot more popular and influential than they’d care to let on.
* Second, that his words are more reflective of reality than they’ll ever admit.”
Ironically enough, the piece begins by chastising Obama for taking too much time (four days) to talk about Jim Carrey-on. Despite Bush taking over a week to respond to the Shoe Bomber.
Nicely done, horrible newspaper.
Kyle Smith, you so infuriating.
BAM’S LAST YEAR begins, “Welcome to 2010: The final year of the Obama administration. Not literally. For all I know, by 2012 the economy will be hotter than a terrorist’s underpants, Afghanistan will be no more unruly than Indianapolis Colts fans after their coach decided to throw away a perfect seasonand President Obama will resoundingly win re-election after Diane Sawyer gets Republican nominee Sarah Palin to confess she thought going rogue meant adding some pink makeup to her cheeks.”
Wait. Is he implying that the events of 2012 might somehow affect what happens in 2010? Does that the Doc Brown did read Marty’s letter?
Hey, I just realized… did Mandrea lose her page? I haven’t seen her “face” in a while…
Hey (some unnamed amount of) Americans! What is your religious preference?
Christian/Protestant — 56% (down from 69% in 1948), Catholic — 22% (Most Catholic State: Rhode Island [53%]), None — 13% (up from 4% in 1948), Other — 9% (Most Jewish State: New York [7%]).
Thanks for the out-of-context figures, Gallup!
The governor of Nevada (Jim Gibbons) is divorcing his wife (Dawn Gibbons). Governor Gibbons’ campaign advisor (Robert Olmer) told reporters, “Any first lady is to a large extent window dressing.”
Guess who was fired a few minutes later.
According to the US Census, there will be 70,000,000 grandparents in this country by 2010 (OMG! That’s, like, now!).
That’s way too many. Sarah Palin was right — we do need death panels. Sorry I doubted you, Sarah!
I really don’t like Twitter.
Bobby Flay on Cablevision’s decision to pull Food Network from their lineup: “Bang away at Cablevision… can’t believe there not showing Food Network.”
I’m going to invent SpellCheck for Twitter. Where my investors at?
ASK ASHLEY
Many women think fetishes are inappropriate and won’t engage in them. I know it depends on the fetish, but if no one’s getting hurt and it’s all in good fun, what’s your advice for getting a woman to be more exploratory in the bedroom? — Anonymous
Ashley: “A bottle of wine always helps with exploring in the bedroom, but it’s hard to elaborate further since I don’t know what your fetish is.”
Me: I suppose you could follow Ashley’s advice and confuse your {girlfriend? wife? sister?} with alcohol, but if you’re not as pro-date rape as Ashley seems to be, you might just try discussing it rationally with your partner.
I’ve kept in touch with my first boyfriend — and also the first boy I had sex with — for over 36 years. We are both married to other people and have families, so he labels us as ‘friends.’ But at this point, my marriage is over and I want to start a relationship with him. Up until this point, he’s never objected to us seeing each other, but I don’t want to be stupid. What do you suggest is the best way to go about it? — Anonymous
Ashley: “Men find you so much more desirable when you make them work for it a little bit.”
Me: What Ashley meant to say is that “men find you so much more desirable when you make them pay for it by the hour.”
When dating a woman nowadays, what is the correct amount of time to wait before going without condoms — assuming tests come back clear and she’s on the Pill. — Mark
Ashley: “It’s all about committing to each other. It has nothing to do with timing. Also, you should both go and get tested.”
Me: I’m with the hooker on this one. Assuming tests come back clear, she’s on the Pill and you avoid people like Ashley Dupre.
One of the Jonas Brothers (Nick!) is releasing a solo album (as “Nick Jonas & The Administration”).
Post: “HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE NAME THE ADMINISTRATION?”
Nick: “Going along with my fascination with the presidency, the Administration felt like a perfect name. Also, going back to the Elvis Costello influence and Elvis Costello and the Attractions, the ‘A’ at the beginning of the name has such a strong ring to it that I thought it would be cool to come up with something with an ‘A’ at the beginning.”
Me: Sigh.
Pete Hammond is NOT quoted in the latest Sherlock Holmes ad. But these highly influential critics are:
Karen Durbin of Elle! Kelli Gillespie of The CW! Dean Richards of WGN America! Mark S. Allen of CBS-TV! Jake Hamilton of FOX-TV!
Not even Rex Reed or Larry King? It must be terrible!
Edwin Encarnacion (of the Toronto Blue Jays) got burned in the face with fireworks on New Year’s Eve in the Dominican Republic. He is currently recuperating.
Wait a minute. Did people even actually think that LeBron James was considering becoming a Brooklyn Net? Really?
Fair enough, but riddle me this: Are there any of those people left?
The New York Giants rallied from a 44-0 deficit to finish today’s game losing 44-7.
How much are those Personal Seat Licenses going for nowadays?
Dog Court is currently undefeated at the Magnet Inferno. They are going for a three-peat tonight at 9:30. It’s $5. It’s fun. If you aren’t doin’ nothin’ else, why not swing by and cheer on “America’s Favorite Improv Group” (at least that’s what I think America Ferrara was saying on that episode of Ugly Betty I watched without sound)?
But if you do decide to come, dress in layers. It’s mad windy and totes cold.
This show premieres on ABC this Monday at 10:00 p.m. (actually, 10:02 according to Entertainment Weekly)
(sung to the tune of “Turning Japanese”)
Everybody is listing their top ten films of 2009, but I haven’t seen half of the ones that I think have the best shot of getting on my list (and I haven’t gotten a single DVD screener yet! chop chop, SAG!). I did a little better (?) with the top ten movies of 2009 in terms of domestic box office. I still haven’t seen The Blind Side (#10) but I did see Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (#9), which was overpoweringly ugly and geared towards the very young (and the folks who love to listen to Ray Romano, John Leguizamo and Denis Leary but can’t bear to look at their faces). I watched most of Monsters vs. Aliens (#8) on an airplane and I give it a thumbs up for helping me fall asleep, b’also a thumbs down for helping me fall asleep. Star Trek and The Hangover (#7 and #6, respectively) were both thoroughly enjoyable and I wouldn’t be surprised to see either of them get some Oscar nominations (remember: there are now 10 Best Picture nominees, which is being done to make the Academy seem more populist and less snooty — these movies offer the simplest way to do that). Avatar (#5) looks like the most complicated video game ever made. What I’ve seen makes me think I would really hate this movie, but its defenders (and they are legion) insist that I can’t judge the movie until I’ve seen it in IMAX 3-D. That made sense to me until I realized that I could see Fried Green Tomatoes or Something’s Gotta Give in IMAX 3-D and I would enjoy myself. That’s why they can charge me $18.50 for a single ticket — I can’t recreate the IMAX 3-D experience at home. We saw Superman Returns in IMAX 3-D when it opened and I walked out with a smile. I watched it again a year later (on cable) and found it surprisingly weak. I blame the IMAX 3-D for making me like it more than I otherwise would have. Just like all of these people who claim that Avatar is the greatest movie of all time. The thing the humans are trying to steal is called Unobtainium, for Christ’s sake! Sigh. My pubic hair and penis prevented me from seeing The Twilight Saga: New Moon (#4), but I saw the top three. The first ten minutes of Up (#3) was more moving than anything else this year (animated or live-action). Expect to see it in the Best Picture category. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (#2) was kind of boring (it had its moments but they were fewer and farther between than I expected. And the #1 movie of 2009 — the one that grossed over $400,000,000 — was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. And it sucked eggs. Loud exploding racist eggs.
Give me some time for a legitimate Best Movies of 2009 list.
But before I get all retrospectable on the cinematic tip, let’s see what’s doing in the New York of the Post.
HOOPS STUPES (which I believe is pronounced “Hoops Toupeés”) reveals that the Washington Wizards never told the NBA about the almost gunfight between two of their players (which happened on December 21st, not on Christmas Day — I can’t ever miss an issue of this paper; they’re constantly [and subtly] changing their stories!). In fact, according to this EXCLUSIVE, the NBA only found out about the incident because of the intrepid reporting of (wait for it) The New York Post.
Word on the street is that not only will the Wizards’ general manager, Ernie Grunfeld, will lose his job over this, but so might Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. Crittenton still has $1,480,000 left on his 3-year contract. Arenas has $100,000,000 left on his. That’s not a typo. One hundred million dollars (puts pinky on lips).
My favorite new development: “It is still not known if Crittenton had his own gun with him, or if he grabbed one of several Arenas had in the locker room.”
Hey, Gilbert? Wanna post anything on Twitter about this?
“i wake up this morning and seen i was the new JOHN WAYNE .. lmao media is too funny”
“i understand this is serious _ but if u ever met me you know i dont do serious things im a goof ball this story today dont sound goofy to me.”
Oh no! He’s using the Chewbacca defense!
Nice piece on the four neighborhoods that will be hot hardest by the impending MTA cuts (“set to take place in mid-2010″): Westchester Square in The Bronx, Fresh Meadows in Queens, Harlem and Bay Ridge in Brooklyn. If you’re disabled in Bay Ridge of the weekend, you’re screwed as the R is your only hope and the station isn’t handicapped-accessible.
War criminals.
The Russian government wants to fight “rampant alcoholism” in their country, as well as “the extraordinary number of deaths caused by drinking.” So they’re doubling the price of vodka… to $3.00 per half-liter.
What a country!
Charles Wegmann III, 41, is the son of a retired New Orleans police lieutenant. And a son of a bitch.
He was picked up at JFK Airport on Tuesday night while he waited for his 25-year-old girlfriend to arrive from Turkey. He bought her plane ticket. With a credit card he took out in the name of a dead 7-year-old (he had another in the name of another dead 7-year-old).
Charlie needs to go away for a long time.
There’s a full-page ad on page 6 for a new TV show: The Human Target. It’s a great premise: If you’re the target of a death threat, you hire him to take your place and he’ll catch your assailant(s). They made for great comic books.
Let’s hope the 2010 version (premiering on January 17th) does better than the Rick Springfield vehicle of 1992.
A suicide bomber in Pakistan “killed 105 people and wounded at least 100 more” — at a volleyball tournament.
Can those numbers be accurate? Could there have actually been over 200 people at a volleyball tournament?
The article Muslim loony toon is shot in Mohammed artist attack introduces a new word to my ever-expanding lexicon: Islamoloon. I have already begun compiling a list of other insulting names that the Post might be interested in incorporating. So far I have retardorist, Muslimpdick, suicide bumbaclot, Koranus and penislamist.
Nathaniel Chambers, 45, was arrested for drunken driving. He entered an E-ZPass lane on the Queens-bound side of the RFK Bridge, despite not having an E-ZPass device. When the gate didn’t raise, he started flashing the red siren on his car’s dashboard.
Why did he have a siren? Because he’s the chauffeur for Department of Homeless Services Commissioner Robert Hess. And he was on his way to pick him up and bring him to Bloomberg’s inauguration.
Anyhoodles, there he was, sitting in the E-ZPass line with a flashing siren. Police approached the car and immediately smelled booze. “I am going to pick up the commissioner for the inauguration,” he allegedly told the cops. They asked him to take a Breathalyzer test. He refused (why is that legal to do? Whatever happened to the implied consent law?) and started yelling at the cops (he reportedly called a sergeant a “cracker”).
He was also arrested for a DWI in 2003.
Take a bow, Nate!
HGTV & the Food Network have been dropped by Cablevision (they didn’t have the same clout as Fox did against Time Warner Cable, I guess). An estimated 3,100,000 New Yorkers will be affected by this.
That number made my eyes widen, but then I realized that it means that 3,100,000 people no longer have the option of watching those channels, not that 3,100,000 ever did.
Bookmaker.com is offering odds on who will replace Simon Cowell on American Idol. Piers Morgan is the 2-1 favorite, Quincy Jones pays 3.5-1, Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds pays 4-1, Simon Fuller and Rob Stevenson are each 6-1 shots and Russell Simmons is 6.5-1.
But the it’s-just-so-crazy-it-might-work one to watch at 3-1 is none other than Sean “Diddy” Combs.
Even if they hired everyone on this list and John Cleese, I wouldn’t care.
Remember that adorable rapper, Lil’ Bow Wow? He’s 22 now and goes by Bow Wow. He’s also on Twitter. He’s also an idiot. Here’s what he posted early yesterday:
“Face numb im whippin the lambo. Tispy as fuck. Just left @livmiami”
I’ll translate: “My face is numb as I’m driving recklessly in my Lamborghini. I am incredibly tipsy.”
He followed that Tweet with, “Im fucked up!!! Ohhhh damn. Y i drive the lambo. Chris might have to drive after next spot.”
I’ll translate: “I am incredibly drunk and I’m starting to regret getting behind the wheel of a car, though not enough to stop texting as I speed. Chris Brown, who is with me, might have to replace me in the driver’s seat once we get to the next stop light/sign. Which, if I was an attractive Bajan chanteuse, would terrify me.”
Bow Wow later deleted the incriminating tweets and posted, “Apologize for that tweet. it was stupid and immature. not a way i want to kick my #2010 year off. i got too much good stuff lined up. my bad.”
It is still not clear whether or not he was driving a car when he posted his mea culpa.
Page 13 is a full-page ad asking Cablevision customers to demand that HGTV and Food Network be put back on the air.
I have a feeling that Cablevision doesn’t feel the need to respond in kind.
Chuck Bennett’s ART 101 MASTER DISASTER rips into the Saudi Arabian art therapy rehab center for terrorists where the current leader of the Yemeni branch of al Qaeda (Said Ali al Shihiri) was transferred from Guantanamo Bay. The therapy, Bennett argues, wasn’t very effective. True. And if you make it to the sixteenth (16th) paragraph of the piece, you’ll read the name of the guy who let this monster go to finger-painting class instead of being a prisoner.
Shihiri “was released from Guantanamo Bay by President George W. Bush in 2007.”
I’d love to hear what Dick Cheney thinks of that.
More about the abandoned Times Square van. The owner faces up to seven (7) years in prison for doctoring the temporary license plate in the window (see what I mean? This is the first I’m hearing of the temporary plate!). It expiration date on it was November 29, 2009, but George Freyre, 36, changed it to December 29, 2009 — which means that even after his forgery, it had expired when cops ignored it!
B’also? The Detectives Crime Clinic of Metropolitan New Jersey & New York is an actual non-profit organization in the Bronx, but guess who isn’t a member. I’ll give you a hint: his initials are George Freyre.
Doctors said that Rush Limbaugh “did not have a heart attack or heart disease.”
Damn.
When asked if taking painkillers for the chest pain, Limbaugh said “no.”
The “painkillers” for his “back pain” are a whole ‘nuther story, I’m sure.
I miss Chicago.
Three armed men wearing masks forced their way into a home in Chicago and made the 11 people inside take off their pants.Then they shot one of the victims in the leg and ran out with 11 pairs of pants (and televisions). The police suspect that the taking of the pants had two purposes: to get the wallets inside and to prevent pursuit.
But I think they did it because the first thing they heard was “pants theft.”
There’s a great piece about how iPhone owners are beginning to revolt against AT&T, especially now that they’re considering a “tiered pricing plan” which would limit usage (unless folks were cool with paying a lot more).
My favorite part is how the iPhone is gearing up to face competition from Google’s Nexus One, “a snazzy display that is generating buzz even though the tech giant hasn’t even confirmed its existence.”
How funny would that be if there was no Nexus One?
Q: How do you make a museum smell funny?
A: The Grateful Dead: Now Playing at the New York Historical Society (March 5 – July 4).
Michael Ian Black has written a children’s book called The Purple Kangaroo. It’s narrated by a mind-reading monkey.
Excellent.
Harold Camping, 88, has figured out when the Rapture will happen. Ready?
May 21, 2011.
Take that, Mayans!
The Nets played today. They lost.
3-30.
What’s the opposite of outstanding? Inseated?
Inseated!
The CW has pulled the reality show Blonde Charity Mafia from their lineup (how could they change their mind about a show that features rich assholes pretending that their altruism isn’t a tax dodge?). They’re replacing it with Fly Girls, a reality show about stewardesses on Virgin Airlines!
Finally I can spend more time on an airplane without leaving my house!
This fresh round of snowfall isn’t sticking, which means dry sneakers (yay!) but no snowball fights (boo!).
Stay warm, kids. See you tomorrow.
Every time I get Chirashi at a sushi place, I always love the piece of mackerel and wonder why I never order mackerel rolls. As a way of celebrating the end of our least favorite year, Teresa and I were going to order in our favorite Mexican food (Tacos Nuevo Mexico on 5th Avenue). The guy who (eventually) answered their phone said (in English so broken no warranty would cover it) that the restaurant was closed. For New Year’s? For good? I don’t know. But we needed a plan B.
Plan B was the Windsor Cafe which we both adore (best diner food in our area). They closed at 6:00.
Plans C-E were equally foiled, so we settled on our local sushi place, Sushi Yu. Teresa had an avocado salad (bleh), a California roll (bleh) and a shrimp tempura roll (so jealous). I had a salmon skin roll (delicious), an eel and cucumber roll (delicious) and a mackerel roll (poisonous). My first first two rolls both contained shredded cucumber, but the mackerel roll was equal parts mackerel and ginger. I like ginger — along with generous dollops of wasabi, it’s a nice complement to just about any sushi — but this was waaaaay too much.“Why would they put so much ginger in a maki roll? To cover the smell and/or taste of spoiled fish?” I thought to myself. But before I could answer, I had eaten all three rolls (and the remainder of the lettuce in Teresa’s salad). Then I drank some scotch.
Of course, all really good scotch should be enjoyed with a teeny ice cube (or a splash of water, but I like the clink of an ice cube — it makes me feel classy), so I rummaged in our freezer for one. I tried to remove one from the tray, but it was being stubborn. So I twisted it — gently, I swear — and the end in my right hand snapped into pieces, removing a chunk of skin as it did. I ran my hand under cold water (which hurt more than I thought it would) and wrapped it in paper towels. I returned to the bedroom, booze in tow, and settled in for what I imagined was the remainder of a pleasant evening.
Roughly 20 minutes later, I got dizzy with the worst stomach pain I think I’ve ever had. I ran to the bathroom and stayed there for about an hour and a half. I almost passed out twice and couldn’t stop sweating for the first hour. The paper towels on my hand were literally soaked to capacity after the first 5 minutes. Thankfully, I have the best wife in the universe and she would check in on me and occasionally mop my woozy brow.
I returned to bed at around 11:30 and immediately fell asleep. Teresa woke me at midnight, I kissed her and returned to my sushi-induced fever dreams. This morning I felt much better (relatively), but was happy to have a lazy day in bed with m’lady and Samuel Fuller’s White Dog (co-written by Curtis Hanson!).
Today’s perusal of the Post will, therefore, be briefer than usual, as we are expected upstairs for our neighbors’ New Year’s Day party and I am currently pantsless.
After his good friend Titzhak Rabin’s murder in 1995, Abe Pollin started thinking about the name of the basketball team he owned (the Washington Bullets). He decided (in 1997) that the name had violent overtones and didn’t belong on jerseys and hats. So, he changed the name to the Washington Wizards.
On Christmas Eve, 2009, Washington Wizard (and NBA All-Star) Gilbert Arenas, 27, pulled a gun on his teammate, Javaris Crittenton, 22, who (naturally) pulled a gun on Gilbert. This happened in the team’s locker room of the Verizon Center. Sources say the dispute stemmed from a gambling debt.
Arenas claims he had the gun in the locker room in order to keep it away from his newborn child at his home in Great Falls, Virginia.
If only his Virginia home had high shelves. Or a room with a door that locks. Or a safe. Or a lock for the gun’s trigger.
Or an owner with a brain.
Despite Fox’s claim that “a delay [of the seemingly-impending removal of their non-news channels from Time Warner Cable' s lineup] would only prolong an unfair deal,” no agreement has been reached and the channels remain on the TWC air.
Boooooooo.
Lake Superior State University (Lake Superior is a state?) released their annual list of the year’s most annoying words (which they “banish” from our lexicon). “Tweet” (the verb for posting on Twitter) was at the top. And in Todd Venezia’s masterful page 3 article on the list, he offers this fair and balanced paragraph: “Other terms on the list were the overused phrase ‘in these economic times,’ the ubiquitous word ‘app,’ for computer applications, and the word ‘czar’ for every government official overseeing some war on something or other.”
Why do I have the feeling that the word ‘czar’ made the list NOT because of the abundance of them in Washington, but rather the Tea Partiers’ (misguided, retarded, willfully ignorant) belief that they have ties to Russia?
Somehow, nothing bad happened in Times Square last night.
Kathryn Cameron, 22, was there (after traveling from her home in Georgia) because “This has been on my bucket list since I was 16.”
Is Georgia really so awful that its citizens make bucket lists in high school?
Page 5 tells me that seven (7) CIA agents were killed at that base in Afghanistan. That’s 1 less than yesterday’s story.
At this rate, the bombing will have had no casualties by Friday!
Remember that van that sat in Times Square for two days with no license plates and tinted windows covered by plastic sheets and a fake police registration on the dashboard?
It was parked in a no-parking zone.
For two days.
I feel super-safe.
Page 12 is another ad for Fox, but this one doesn’t tell people to complain to Time Warner Cable. Instead, it directs readers to DirecTV, Dish Network and Verizon FiOS — all of which broadcast the Fox channels that Time Warner Cable is expected to purge (but for some stupid reason hasn’t yet).
Sounds like they’re done negotiating, TWC. Do this thing.
Why do I think this is going to end poorly?
Giants Stadium (which saw its last Giants game last Sunday) will host their final (regular season) Jets game on Sunday night. And they’ve decided to not serve alcohol.
When asked about this non-alcoholic development, Matt Kenny, of Bayside, Queens, said, “Jets fans are animals, and the fighting gets ridiculous. I like a few beers at a game, but I don’t need some drunk ruining my good time. Fans will have all day to drink leading up to the game.”
Good point, Matt! If the fans get drunk before the game, then there’s no chance that they’ll ruin your good time!
A judge dismissed all of the charges against the five private Blackwater security guards accused of killing 17 unarmed Iraqi civilians in Iraq in 2007. The judge blamed the prosecutors of “improperly building their case” on sworn statements that were given in exchange for immunity.
Who was in charge of the government in 2007? I forget.
But it was probably Obama’s fault.
I also wonder what will happen to the sixth Blackwater defendant who pleaded guilty.
An employee at an IKEA in Ohio found the head of a lamb stuffed inside a microwave used for display purposes in one of their showrooms.
Surveillance cameras offered no help in finding the person(s) responsible.
Memo to self: rob IKEAs in Ohio.
Jorge Niebla is suing Penthouse magazine. He wrote to them in August 2008, asking how he might go about securing a back issue of the publication (the April 2007 issue featuring Dita Von Teese). They never replied. He claims that the folks at the magazine “are being prejudice [sic]“ against him and violating his Constitutional rights by denying him “access to the media.”
Niebla is serving a life sentence in a Florida prison. He is asking for (and I’m not making this up) an order to be issued forcing Penthouse to sell him the back issue.
Good luck, Jorge!
Adam Brodsky must be jealous of all of the attention I give to his co-workers. How else to explain his Jed-baiting Calling ‘Em for ‘10 piece? Here are some of the things that Brodsky predicts won’t happen this year:
* Former President George W. Bush will win the Nobel Peace Prize for liberating Iraq and fighting terrorists.
* After Obama signs health-care reform into law, America’s health-care system will improve.
* 9/11 terror mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be brought to New York, quietly convicted of war crimes and promptly executed.
* The mainstream media will treat Sarah Palin fairly.
* Obama will stop blaming George W. Bush for his failures.
That last one is my favorite. The way I read it (and you can’t convince me that it isn’t what Brodsky meant) is that in 2010, Obama won’t stop blaming Bush for Bush’s failures.
My prediction for what won’t happen this year? Adam Brodsky will stop being a tool.
Bill O’Reilly has a column titled In La-La Land on Terrorism (that’s weird — he doesn’t stutter when he speaks but he does when he writes?). It begins with him reprimanding “liberal newspapers like The New York Times and Newsday“ for “lamenting the Christmas Day al Qaeda attempt to blow up a Northwest Airlines jet” but offering “no solutions for stopping terrorism.”
Oddly enough, O’Reilly doesn’t offer any solutions for stopping terrorism in this column, although he does say “everybody except Al Franken knows that Yemen is an al Qaeda stronghold.”
Good to see Bill hasn’t lost any of his trademark insanity in 2010.
Marlon Byrd signed a three-year/$15,000,000 contract to play center field for the Chicago Cubs. Kosuke Fukudome (pronounced “fuck you; do me!”) is expected to move to right field and Milton Bradley is expected to reissue Hi Ho! Cherry-O in a spiffy new collector’s tin.
If you’re like me, you love marathons. No, not the kind that require movement — TV marathons! And today is a smorgas… smorgus… smoorgus… plethora of them!
WPIX has The Honeymooners, A&E has Criminal Minds, ABCFamily has America’s Funniest Home Videos, Disney has Sonny With A Chance, Discovery has MythBusters, MSNBC has Lockup, USA has Law & Order: SVU (though that might actually be their regular programming for Fridays) and SyFy (pronounced See-Fee) has The Twilight Zone.
And I have pants to put on.
Happy new year, kids. See you tomorrow.
And tip your waitstaff but don’t try the mackerel.
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