Archive for February, 2010
The Ho-hum Wrap-Up of Yesterday’s Boring Slow News Day
“Governor” Paterson announced he won’t seek re-election. But Paterson insists, “I give you this personal oath: I have never abused my office, not now, not ever.”
He just needs to lose his hearing now to snag the trifecta (he’s already blind and dumb).
Rangel was found “responsible” for the actions of his staff (and himself) in accepting corporate-sponsored trips to the Caribbean. He is still under investigation for not disclosing his actual income to Congress; not reporting/paying $75,000 in rental income on his Dominican Republic villa; soliciting money for the Rangel Center at CUNY by writing letters on Congressional stationery; leasing four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem and using one as an office; storing his Mercedes in the congressional garage.
He continues to chair the House Ways and Means Committee.
How can the Democrats miss this opportunity to throw a gigantic hunk of dead meat to the wolves? Charlie Rangel is wearing a “Throw Me Under The Bus” t-shirt and his iPod is blasting that song Beck wrote for A Life Less Ordinary. What does anyone gain (besides Rangel) from his continued presence on any committee, let alone the most powerful one in government?
Gatorade dropped Tiger Woods as their spokeshimbo.
A chimpanzee at the Moscow Zoo has been sent to rehab because he had developed a “bad drinking problem” from the booze that zoo visitors would feed him. Get well soon, Zhora. And then find a way out of Russia and get a decent attorney.
Churley Hurt uses Rangel’s current predicament as an excuse to say one of the dumbest things he’s ever said (no small feat).
Speaking about the taxes we pay, “It is a piece of our very freedom that they take from us. It is, in fact, a piece of who we are.”
What a tool.
21 inches of snow fell, bringing the total to 36.8 inches for February 2010 — a new record.
Thus disproving global warming.
Two female flight attendants got into a fight on a plane they were working on, causing the flight to Atlanta to be cancelled. A passenger claimed it was no more than a mere “verbal disagreement.”
You just made the list, Pinnacle Airlines.
Manhattan Supreme Court ruled that “beer lady” Mildred Block, 85, can’t sue the Mets for age discrimination. They replaced her in 2008 after 25 years of service.
With a 75-year-old.
In all seriousness? That’s cruel to do to people that age. Make them lug around beer and watch the Mets?
One of music’s greatest mysteries has been solved!
Carly Simon wrote “You’re So Vain” about David Geffen.
Or someone else named David. Probably.
Mystery solved!
Today
PIGSKIM is the EXCLUSIVE cover story that details the nonprofit started by Rep. Gregory Meeks and state Sen. Malcolm Smith. No, not that one. A different one. One that raised over $400,000 and spent exactly none of it on their communities. They spent it on salaries and legal fees and meals and office expenses — even though the nonprofit never had an office.
Again, I ask why the Democrats don’t hold a press conference to announce how fucked up this is and how they are suspending these asshats until further notice, instead of letting them tarnish the party.
The other cover story promises to take us Inside Manhattan’s Socialite wars and I really and truly couldn’t care less.
Norman Seabrook is the “correction union president.” He was angry that Mayor Bloomberg didn’t thank the city’s correction officers for the great job they did during the recent blizzards ‘n’ snowstorms ‘n’ sitch.
So Norman took out $250,000 worth of radio ads that took Bloomberg (a lame duck mayor) to task. This is a colossal waste of money. And now for the punchline of Jail crews are NY’s Sickliest.
Of the not-quite 3,000 corrections officers, 372 called in sick on February 11th (well over 10% of the workforce). The day before, 641 called in sick (well over 20%). That’s more than the rest of the city’s uniformed forces combined called in sick. Which might explain why Bloomberg didn’t go out of his way to commend them.
$250,000 well spent, Norman! Achoo!
The page 3 story is METS LOST AT ‘C’.
Apparently, the cover on the front of the C in the CItI FIELD sign fell down and into the stands at the Mets’ new stadium. The Post says it happened on January 25th, but my gut is telling me that author James Fanelli meant to write February 25th. And for a better newspaper.
Marie Osmond’s 18-year-old son committed suicide on Friday night. He claimed to have felt like he had no friends.
Shame on his 274 siblings for not reaching out to him.
Shards of glass fell on hundreds of audience members at a Purim party in Midtown last night. Jersey Shore’s Vinny and Snooki were among the guests, but were unharmed.
Thus disproving Darwinism.
What a beautiful photograph! Al Sharpton held a “leadership summit” at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem.
The photo on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on page 10) is of ex-Comptroller Carl McCall, Reps. Charles Rangel and Gregory Meeks, Reverend Al and state Senator Malcolm Smith.
No greater collection of scumbags has even been captured on film so skillfully (outside of a Palin rally).
Michael Goodwin insists that “If [Paterson] will not resign this week, articles of impeachment must be drawn.”
And that, during the health-care summit “[Obama] missed his teleprompter [sic]!” and “Even at press conferences, journalists rise when he enters the room and he stands behind a lecturn when they sit. Yet on Thursday, he was sitting on a chair like everybody else. To judge by his reaction, Obama didn’t like being on a level playing field.”
You forgot to call him “professor,” you Boolean logic-abusing jackass.
Thanks to Jon Paul Buchmeyer and his new memoir, Alphabet City. Where else would I learn that “Chips with the fat substitute Olestra cause Tyra [Banks] to have intestinal distress.”?
Cindy Adams begins today’s column, “I have written before about having a rotten cold. I now write again about having a rotten cold. And why is that? Because I have one again, that’s why.”
Why are you hanging on, Cindy? Joey wants you.
Only Joey wants you.
Over on page 16, there’s news of some 8.8-magnitude earhtquake or some sitch that hit Chile. It tied for the seventh-strongest quake ever recorded.
On (just) page 16.
Pages 17 and 18 discuss the socialite wars I spoke of earlier (well, it is twice as important as the story in Chile).
Wait a minute. I find out there’s a 10-day cursing festival in Kathmandu after it ends?
Nertz.
Kyle Smith laments that, despite the fact that Spitzer reigned in shame and Paterson is ending his campaign for the same reason, the gubernatorial frontrunner is a Democrat.
He blames this on Republicans not “stepping up.” I blame it on the inherent intelligence of New York voters.
Will Peggy Noonan’s PATRONIZER IN CHIEF make her relevant again?
Ha! No. But you have to respect the subhead (Obama fails to listen again at a boorish health care summit).
Did I respect? I meant laugh at.
Like a homosexual against gay marriage, Catherine N. Dillon of Manhasset writes in to praise Andrea Peyser’s Sorry, Ladies, But I Want a Fireman.
“Andrea Peyser certainly got it right in her assessment of women firefighters. Now if we could only get Peyser into the Pentagon, where she could explain to the brass why mixing the sexes on a submarine might not be in the Navy’s best interests.”
You’ve come a long way, stupid.
ASK ASHLEY!
My wife thinks it’s weird that I have a foot fetish. I’m not into spikes or leather, just massages. What’s so weird about that? — Paul D., New City
ASHLEY: “I am totally confused. So, you just like massaging your wife’s feet? And you think this is a foot fetish? Is this right? That is not really a fetish — you just like nice feet! Massage away, Paul!”
ME: “What I find weird is that the hooker automatically assumes that you like giving foot massages and not necessarily getting them. And that she has gainful employment. Besides whoring.”
My wife and I are having issues getting our 15-year-old daughter to behave like an adult. She doesn’t understand our requiring her to take care of school, violin and chores before having some fun on Facebook. She refuses to do anything until she gets what she wants. We’re aware of the things teens like to do, but she doesn’t see the need to take care of her responsibilities first. Help! — Michael A., 43, White Plains
ASHLEY: “When I was 15, I also didn’t want to do anything my parents wanted me to do.”
ME: “Read your daughter the above sentence, explaining who Ashley Dupre is. That should do the trick. B’also? Don’t ask a whore how to raise your child. K thnx bi.”
I’m thinking of suing my husband’s ex-mistress for criminal conversion (having sex with a married person). I think it would be a good lesson, and I can use the money to pay for the therapy I’m going to need to get over the affair. What’s your opinion? — Anonymous
ASHLEY: Her first paragraph begins, “It’s not the mistress’ fault that your husband cheated!” Her second paragraph begins, “I don’t think it was his fault — or yours, really.”
ME:”The defensive prostitute has exonerated everyone from responsibility. Congratulations!”
Hey, V.A. Musetto! Be creepy!
“Greta Gerwig fans can relax. Just because she’s graduated from mumblecore movies with Greenberg, directed by Noah Baumbach, doesn’t mean she’s not the sweet, infectious actress we all know and love. And, as in nearly all her movies, Gerwig goes topless.”
Creepy!
The Search For Six Wins is over!
The Nets beat the Celtics (!) 104-96, bringing their win percentage to 10.3%.
And now begins the Struggle For Seven Wins — starting with tonight’s game against Washington!
According to Jay Greenberg, Joba Chamberlain is the most overrated New York athlete (in any sport), and Jorge Posada is the “best offensive catcher of last 15 years not named Mike Piazza.”
Shut up, Jay.
They’re thinking about having the 2014 Super Bowl in the New Meadowlands?
But what about the security risk? Can’t they have a football tribunal instead?
Won’t someone think about the children?
The U.S. won bobsled gold? Congratulations, four men lying down and sliding down a track! Great job!
Tomorrow begins another week. The plumber will arrive in the early morning to fix my sink and radiator.
Hopefully.
Later, skaters.
It’s brutal out and Teresa is working from home. But she somehow managed to trudge around the corner to Pierre’s and snagged a copy of the Post for me. She a totes keeper.
Two prominent politicians of color adorn today’s front page. A sidebar announces House ethics panel slams Rangel (and the accompanying photo is hardly a flattering one — is Rangel doing a Charlie Chaplin impression?). He will receive a “public admonishment” for accepting “corporate-sponsored junkets” to the Caribbean. And nothing else.
The other man on the cover is “Governor” Paterson. TIME TO GO, DAVE includes an excerpt of the POST EDITORIAL on page 32. What caused this sudden epiphany of he-gotta-go-now? “Abusegate.”
Pages 4, 5, 6 and 7 (but not Page Six, which is on page 14 today) are devoted to explaining how the head of Paterson’s security detail personally tried to dissuade single mother Sherr-una Booker from persuing legal protection from her boyfriend (and Paterson aide), David Johnson (she claims he “violently assaulted” her).
Michael Goodwin’s Pack your dirty tricks & get the hell out is calm, level-headed and even-handed. “Thanks for nothing, gov. Good-bye and good riddance.” And it ends with “Damn you, David Paterson.” Classy.
NYC Transit chief Tom Prendergast: “Whether the 2010 service reductions will strand riders, in some instances, they will. In some instances, we had no choice but to do that.”
Me: “You are a lying war criminal.”
Did Jerry Seinfeld use an expired police placard to park illegally during a taping of The Marriage Ref? And if so, will this be the most entertaining thing about The Marriage Ref?
A legless man “managed to plant a crude explosive device at the 125th Street Metro-North train station yesterday.” The device is described as a “pyrotechnic with shotgun shells taped to it.”
This is not a complaint, but where are the semi-competent terrorists?
I watched a sizeable chunk of yesterday’s health-care summit and, with the exception of Obama referring repeatedly to OB/GYNs as “Obi-Guy-Knees,“ I thought he did a fairly good job. Granted, I think little was accomplished and most politicians stuck to their talking points and press releases, but it was a nice effort regardless. Churlie Hurt disagrees.
Sound the snooze alarm over peevish prez refers to Obama as “the professor-in-chief” (I love that meme!) and is brimming with Hurt’s usual smarmy condescension. Hooray.
Sadly, Hurt co-authored the main article on the summit, too, so DC health-clubbing maintians his cartoonishly partisan voice (though, thankfully, without his smug headshot).
A tree branch fell and killed Elmaz Qyra, 46, as he walked through Central Park yesterday at 3:25 p.m.
We need to cut down all of those trees.
Apparently, the information we’ve gotten from Najibullah Zazi is leading to more charges against more terror suspects.
Good thing this is buried on page 20!
V. Redd Kancharia, the president of that concrete-testing company that was found to not really be testing the concrete at places like Yankee Stadium and Ground Zero (while deeming them safe), tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists and taking “several sleeping pills” two days after he and his company were convicted of racketeering. His attorney says Kancharia “has recovered.”
Can he do anything right?
One judge told Joe Bruno he can’t have a new trial.
One judge told Ozzy Osbourne that he can sue Tony Iommi.
The Roosevelt Island tram will be shut down for 6 months (which is usually 27 months in actual time).
The F train is about to get a whole lot crowdeder.
Jonah Goldberg declares yesterday’s health-care summit A (Boring) Win for the GOP.
He also refers to reconciliation as an “arcane parliamentary procedure,” which I’m sure is what he called it when the Republicans used reconciliation to enact three major tax cuts.
How do people like Jonah stop themselves from killing themselves? And why?
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Armond White refers to Tracy Morgan’s performance in Cop Out as “coon show antics.”
Lou Lumenick gives The Yellow Handkerchief three and a half stars (“A small gem.”) and one and a half stars to Cop Out (“No arrest for the dreary”).
Kyle Smith gives two and a half stars to Easier With Practice (“lightly endearing”) and The Art of the Steal (“engrossing if overheated”) and one and a half stars to The Crazies (“All heartland but no brain”).
Despite the lack of Asian nudity, V.A. Musetto gives A Prophet three and a half stars (“Jailhouse sock.”) and three stars to Prodigal Sons (a documentary about the grandson of Orson Welles and Rita Hayworth and his sister who used to be his brother).
Pete Hammond remains in absentia.
Just saw a photo of Jorge Posada autographing a bat for Yogi Berra.
I can’t wait for baseball season to start!
‘Boner’ found dead in Canada by Michael Starr.
Classy, Mike. Let me translate from Asshole to English: Andrew Koenig committed suicide and his body was discovered by friends searching for him. Many years agom he played a charcter named “Boner” on Growing Pains. He was a friend of many of my friends. He will be missed.
NBC is having trouble finding an actress to headline their revamp of the Prime Suspect franchise.
GOOD.
Linda Stasi gives MTV’s Turn the Beat Around no stars and says it might be the worst original TV movie of the decade.
Which I think means she really liked it.
New episodes of The Ricky Gervais Show and Real Time with Bill Maher?
Plus two feet of snow?
It’s Christmas Happy Holidays all over again!
I am eating a breakfast of coffee and Dean & Deluca cookies. Mama Masoni does good work.
There are two headlines on today’s cover. KILLER WHALE tells the story of a killer whale (Tilikum) that killed a trainer at Sea World. And the scorpion looked at the frog and said, “I’m a scorpion. It’s my nature, you stupid frog.” The article claims that the killer killer whale was “notorious for being difficult, depressed and usually tempermental” and that Dawn Brancheau, 40, was the third person killed by Tilikum (a 20-year-old trainer in 1992 and a 27-year-old in 1999 also died Tilikum-related deaths).
“Despite the savage mauling, officials said the cause of death was drowning.”
Tilikum must have a great attorney whale.
The other EXCLUSIVE cover story is the Screw Orleans: How NY pols left Katrina vics high and dry.
Actually, I believe that while Katrina was flooding N’awlins, most of the citizens dreamed of being both high and dry, but were neither.
The story names three women who claim that an aide to Rep. Gregory Meeks met with them and had them fill out paperwork and got their sizes for clothing, but never followed up with any kind of assistance at all. No money, no clothes, no nuthin’.
It’s stories like these that make me wish there really was a God. Because he (she?) would make Meeks and Smith and all the rest of these crooked bastards suffer. For she (he?) is a vengeful God. Amen.
“Governor” Paterson has another scandal brewing, this time over a “top aide” who was accused of brutally attacking a woman. The New York Times claims that Paterson called the woman to convince her to drop the charges.
In all seriousness, if Paterson started running through the streets of every town in the state of New York and handed out $100 bills to everyone he saw, he’d still lose the next election in a landslide.
Oh, Magoo. You’ve done it again.
Jessica Zamore-Anderson broke up with Paul Franco. So Franco changed the password to her Facebook account — and her sexual preference to gay — and demanded money to undo it (BEAUTY’S F’BOOK HIJACK ORDEAL).
Luckily, she went straight to the police and Franco was arrested.
I wonder if they’re still Friends.
Are the Jehovah’s Witnesses moving out of their Watchtower in Brooklyn?
I’d be really excited if I thought I could afford more than a closet in their headquarters once realtors remodel the offices into apartments.
The snow outside reminds me of the movie-in-the-movie Bowfinger. It was called Chubby Rain. And this precipitation is mad chubby, yo.
Tiger Woods is in rehab in Arizona, this time for an addiction to painkillers and sleeping pills.
I can’t wait for Mandrea to mock him for this.
Kelly Osbourne once told her parents (in tears), “I would rather be called ugly than be called fat.”
Luckily for her, she’s now more ugly than fat.
Marvell Scott says he’ll be “vindicated in court” because the case against him is based entirely on “the testimony of criminals and liars.”
Well, prostitution is illegal, so technically he’s right.
Could Mandrea be a more despicable shrew?
Sorry, ladies, but I want a fireman explains why she doesn’t want women to be firemen. “I’d feel a lot safer in the arms of a 6-foot man those of a 5-foot girl.” That’s right, you idiot. All women are 5′ and all men are 6′. Do you also have a race preference for the person who would rescue you from a fire (unless they recognize you)?
The accompanying photo of a (fiercely ripped) firewoman almost completely negates Mandrea’s point, but then most things do. And why is it always the people who would never be a fireman (or a soldier) that want to dictate who is or isn’t allowed to risk their lives of our behalf?
She writes about a lot of other things today, but this angered me enough to ignore the rest.
Her daughter must be so proud of her asshole mother.
Health-scare tactic warns us that the Democrats are going to “ram through their highly unpopular health-care legislation.”
I can’t wait to see what happens at today’s trap health-care summit.
Now I’m super-pissed that she’s serving less time than her victim.
Biurny Peguero Gonzalez told investigators that, if she had known she was pregnant at the time, she never would have recanted her wholly fabricated rape story. And her non-rapist would still be in prison.
Up for parole in one year = bullshit.
3-D television sets hereby exist.
They go on sale in the U.S. next month.
I can’t wait for the IMAX television sets. Then I’ll finally be able to see Avatar the way it was meant to be seen!
Gordon Ramsay cut off his fingernail during a cooking segment on Tuesday’s Ellen.
What a donkey. Here’s the clip.
Speaking of which, new Kitchen Nightmares tonight.
Yay!
And tomorrow’s Friday! And then it’s Weekend Time™!
Until tomorrow, I remain.
Had dinner (and two bottles of wine) with Rachael Mason last night. Hours of wonderful merriment (featuring Teresa’s famous seafood soup) followed by sleep and waking up with a throbbing hangover. Thank God my afternoon rehearsal was cancelled (my only notes would have been “that scene was too loud” and “improvise me a bucket STAT”).
Hopefully my coffee will help me get through this. Lord knows the Post will only make it worse.
JAIL FOR THE GIRL WHO CRIED RAPE is today’s cover story. Biurny Peguero Gonzalez claimed that William McCaffrey raped her in 2005. He didn’t, but he was convicted and spent almost four years of his life in prison as a convicted rapist.
He’s now free (thanks to new DNA evidence that proved his innocence) and Gonzalez has been convicted of perjury (her priest convinced her to come forward with the truth last year). Her sentence? One to three years.
What a crock of shit. At the very least, she should serve what McCaffrey served. And fine her the court costs for the original trial and this one. If you waste the court’s time, you should pay their bills.
She’ll be eligible for parole in a year. Shame on Gonzalez and shame on Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Charles Solomon.
Tony Kornheiser made fun of fellow ESPN employee Hannah Storm’s outfit (“She’s what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point” among other comments) and was suspended for two weeks.
The Post describes him as an “ogre” and a “jerk,” and his comments as “catty” and “crude.”
I hope today’s paper has more about Tiger Woods’ jowls.
There was a protest at the city’s Department of Health yesterday for Shiraj Islam (and all street vendors).
Give Vendors A Break! was the most popular sign, but kudos to We Need to Pee just like everyone else and HEY, HEALTH DEPARTMENT PISS Off
Had I known about the rally, I would have brought my Let Me Sell Nuts B’Also Empty M’Nuts When Necessary! sign.
Tomorrow and Friday are possibilities for mo’ snow.
AccuWeather says to expect 6 to 10 inches.
Then AccuWeather’s wife rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath.
There’s a small piece on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six) about complaint forms being submitted regarding tollbooth attendants on the NJ Turnpike (Collectors’ rage takes toll).
If you have a few minutes (and a strong stomach), take a gander at the thirty (30) examples posted at The Smoking Gun (click here).
Five appeals-court judges are fighting for Lynne Stewart to serve more than the 28 months she was given for smuggling messages to and from terrorists.
That’d be nice (she’s a horrible person).
Great photo on page 7 of Rep. Gregory Meeks and Assemblywoman Barbara Clark and NOAH-F board member Mortimer Lawrence holding up an oversized novelty check for $11,210. It was raised at a benefit concert for Katrina victims. But no one seems to know where that money went (BETTER CHECK AGAIN FOR LOST ‘CANE $$).
If no one ends up in prison for all of this, then we need to seriously rethink our justice system.
After just four hours of deliberation, Natavia Lowery was found guilty of murdering Linda Stein. But Lowery’s stepfather insists that she “is innocent. This is the kind of case that will be back. We are preparing an appeal.”
He either really loves his stepdaughter or he really wants to meet Al Sharpton.
The city is proposing the doing away with of “rubber rooms” for teachers. Their suggestion is that once a teacher is accused, they are suspended without pay. If they are found innocent, they get all of their back pay.
Sounds fair to me.
Goodwin!
Ford keeps his pedal to the metal spends a lot of time trying to convince me that Harold Ford Jr. (who still hasn’t announced his candidacy) is happy with the current polls (Gillibrand is beating him 2-to-1).
I can’t wait for it to be an actual story!
Tune in to help keep KSM trial out is an ad for the WOR 710 talk radio special that Goodwin will be a part of tomorrow. Miss it if you can.
Call it ‘Ho (hum), Canada’ complains that when Canada is your “most worthy opponent” in the Olympics, “it’s like beating your cousin in checkers.” I guess Mike has stupid cousins? Must run in his family.
Baring the Bam myth reveals that Obama doesn’t care about what America thinks (he’s a jerk like that). And that “the vast public rejection of the [health-care] overhaul, the clear message of the upset Republican victory in the Massachusetts Senate race, are being ignored.”
Goodwin’s wife is Jennifer J. Raab, who serves as the President of Hunter College, whose Office of Admissions’ mission statement claims that the school “embraces the College’s commitment to create an educational environment of the highest quality.”
Which must mean that Goodwin isn’t allowed on campus.
People are very (rightfully) angry at Toyota.
But what’s the alternative? Buying a Kia? A Hyundai? An American car?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thousands of misdemeanor convictions might have to be thrown away.
An appeals court just ruled that Bronx Chief Judge Judith Kaye had “no legal standing” to merge the Bronx Criminal Court and the Bronx Supreme Court in 2004 and that it was “unconstitutional.”
Things are about to get real ugly in the Bronx.
Marvell Scott used to be the WABC/Channel 7 sports anchor. He left to practice medicine. He also found a 14-year-old prostitute in Times Square and brought her home for some statutory rape (and endangering the welfare of a child and patronizing a prostitute) after negotiating with her pimp. That was June 2008.
Prosecutors say it took this long to bring the case to court because of “difficulty locating all witnesses.”
Besides the accuser and the pimp, what other witnesses?
The Pentagon is planning on rescinding the ban that currently prohibits women from serving on submarines.
What year is it again? 1952 or 1953?
The jobs bill just passed.
Does this mean I’ll finally get a job?
Is James Frey John Twelve Hawks?
Is James Frey Pittacus Lore?
Did you understand those sentences?
Dr. Earl Bradley of Lewes, Delaware is now facing “471 counts of sexual crimes.”
He is accused of molesting — and videotaping the molestation — of 103 children.
His indictment was 160 pages long.
Tell me why we shouldn’t slit his throat and watch him slowly bleed to death. And “because you don’t want to sink to his level” doesn’t work because killing him wouldn’t psychologically damage 103 children (though it might offer 103 children eventual closure).
Come see my new improv group, Eventual Closure next Tuesday at The Creek!
On page 21, under an article six times as large (‘BUMMER’ RENTAL — how the guy who paid $195,000 for a six-week rental of a house in the Hamptons feels that he got ripped off ["pool heating system was inoperable" and the pool was "filled with debris"]) and next to the Weird BUT true sidebar, is Zazi rats on fellow fiends. It begins, “Subway suicide bomb plotter Najibullah Zazi is not only flipping on his co-conspirators — he’s turning on the whole al Qaeda network, sources said yesterday.”
Even though someone read him his rights!?!?! How is such a thing possible?
Good thing they buried it on page 21.
“A drunken Jersey City cop whose speeding car mowed down an aspiring lawyer in the Financial District last year was sentenced yesterday to serve at least 3 1/2 years of prison.”
A drunk driver kills someone and is sentenced to less than 4 years in prison? Not to mention he was a police officer.
Disgraceful.
Jayson Williams, on the other hand got five years for the “accidental shotgun slaying of a limo driver and subsequent botched coverup.”
He’ll be out in less than 2 years. Just you wait.
Holder’s Tainted Justice takes that page 21 story about Mr. Zazi and wholly discounts it. Why?
“Everybody involved in the Zazi case deserves congratulations. But it would be easier to take Holder’s larger claims seriously if he wasn’t packing the department full of lawyers who previously represented terrorists.”
Nine (9) lawyers. Put aside the argument that lawyers who defend terrorists should never be allowed to serve in the Justice Department (which is total bullshit) and think about that number. Nine lawyers (out of thousands) is “packing the department.”
This is the New York Post telling its readers that they are stupid. Sadly, a healthy chunk of them agree.
From the office of Senator Richard Shelby (R – Alabama): “Sen. Shelby supports the spirit of the Volcker rule — limiting risk to financial institutions and the taxpayer through excessive risk taking — but is not convinced that the proposal itself is necessary.”
Yeah… if only there were some proof that financial institutions shouldn’t take unnecesssary risks…
The Search For Six Wins continues!
The Nets don’t play again until Saturday, so their 5-52 (8.8%) record is secure.
And awful.
Aaron Boone has announced his retirement from baseball.
We’ll always have 2003, Aaron.
Andrew Koenig sightings are being reported in Vancouver.
Good. Let’s hope he’s OK.
In Michael Starr’s Starr Report, he discusses ratings for the Lifetime Movie Network and the Disney Channel and the Knicks and Geraldo Rivera and then at the end asks “Anyone else sick of Lady Gaga yet?”
Oh, Michael. You’re a po-po-po-po-po-poor excuse for a columnist.
Jessica Simpson on Oprah?
What next? A Blues Brothers TV show?
Judy Belushi Pisano and Anne Beatts are working on a TV series based on the movie The Blues Brothers.
What next? Charlie Sheen in rehab?
Charlie Sheen’s in rehab.
Modern Family is a repeat tonight, but there’s an episode at 8:00 and another at 9:00, so if you haven’t been watching, now’s your chance to see it twice in one night.
If you’d rather get nauseous, The Learning Channel has Half Ton Mom at 7:00, followed by Half Ton Dad at 8:00 and Half Ton Teen at 9:00.
Happy Tuesday!
“We have two stories for the front page.”
“What are they?”
“A street vendor had his license revoked because he left his cart to go to the bathroom.”
“That’s not much of a front page story. What’s the other one?”
“Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty to weapons-of-mass-destruction and terrorism charges. In a Brooklyn courtroom. He copped a plea in exchange for information about al Qaeda’s plot to blow up the NYC subway.”
“That doesn’t jibe with our whole ‘it isn’t safe/beneficial to try these guys in court’ motif. Tell you what: We’ll give Zazi less than a quarter of the page — a sidebar on the left — with the headline Queens Qaeda: My plot to bomb subways, and we’ll give Shiraj Islam a huge photo and the rest of the cover.”
“How about NUTS! ‘Pee’ brain city boots street vendor?”
“You’re an idiot.”
That’s right, kids. The major story in today’s paper is that of Mr. Islam and his emergency wee-wee.
And after wasting five minutes of my day on his tragic tale, I discover “This is a temporary suspension.”
Stop, the presses.
Meanwhile, that other pesky cover story tells me that Zazi faces life in prison (sentencing is on March 25) despite his giving up his co-conspirators. And what does Eric Holder have to say about that? Nothing. According to the Post.
Thankfully, I also read the Huffington Post, so I got to see this.
The NY Post does mention Holder, but in the In-Justice! Furor over O’s ‘Gitmo’ appointees story on page 4. Apparently, nine (9) of Obama’s appointees “had either represented or advocated for Guantanamo detainees.”
And? I mean, have no judges ever started out as defense attorneys? Should someone that defends a criminal face guilt by association? But why let common sense muddy the water. Debra Burlingame, who lost her brother on 9/11 and has made a career out of reminding us whenever she can, complains, “It’s like they’re bringing al Qaeda lawyers inside the Department of Justice.”
I honestly wonder if there were no parties — if every politician was on the same “side” (and maybe also the same color) — would people still get this worked up over nothing?
New York Communities for Change is what the Brooklyn ACORN office is re-branding itself as (ACORN shell of itself as it renames office).
The Post continues to report on James O’Keefe III’s ambush “journalism” as if it were still valid (ignoring the fact that he edited the footage to make ACORN look far far worse than it actually was — and that he admits to being a follower of Saul Alinksy).
This is a terrible newspaper.
A copy of Action Comics #1 sold for $1,000,000 yesterday.
I don’t have that one. But I do have 5 copies of Spawn #1! All in mint condition!
(crosses fingers)
The MTA is going to save $50,000,000… by firing 1,050 people.
450 of them will be station agents.
True story: Yesterday, I tried to use my MetroCard to take a train. But when I swiped it, the reader said “Just Used” even though I hadn’t just used it. I went to the station’s booth to complain, but it was empty. I took a bus instead.
Keep firing those station agents, war criminals!
Hiram Monserrate is the gift that keeps on giving.
He’s trying to get on the ballot for next month’s special election (the one being held to replace him).
According to the Daily News, he got 5,500 signatures (he needed 3,000) and is running on an independent line called (I’m not kidding), Yes We Can.
You know what I hope? That Hiram wins and that the state Senate chooses the runner-up.
According to a Siena poll released yesterday, 47% of voters have a negative opinion of Monserrate.
55% have a negative opinion of “Governor” Paterson.
Wow.
The three cops accused of sodomizing Michael Mineo? All were cleared of the charges yesterday.
One of the jurors explaining their verdict thusly: “Things weren’t consistent. Stories were changing from the grand jury testimony to what [Mineo] said he saw… He used different words. He went from ‘rammed’ to ’side to side.’ So he wasn’t sure about what was done to him.”
The system works!
By the way, how do you think Officer Kevin Maloney — who testified on behalf of Mineo, claiming that he saw the sodomy occur — is doing these days? You think his locker is full of human excrement yet?
Churlie!
Prez’s newest idea: Simply outlaw reality is a teachable moment; it’s the moment when anyone with eyes stopped taking this prick seriously. “…Obama could just make sickness illegal. Maybe he could outlaw death.”
And maybe you could fall down some stairs and hit your head on the bureau you’re the chief of.
Obama proposed a tax on tanning beds.
Every part of me is happy with that (except the part whose aunt and uncle own a chain of salons with tanning beds in them).
Johnny Depp will appear on 48 Hours Mystery this Sunday to advocate for the release of the West Memphis Three.
If you have never seen the 1996 documentary Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills (or its 2001 sequel Paradise Lost 2: Revelations), do so immediately. The subject matter is gruesome, but the story is riveting and the films are masterfully executed. Sorry. Poor choice of words.
J.Lo will host SNL on March 6th!
To promote her new album? No, Sony just dropped her from the Epic label, so who knows when that horribe noise will see the light of day.
To promote her new movie, The Back-Up Plan? No, that was pushed back until (at least) April.
Is there anything NBC can do right?
Ryan Phillipe was married to Reese Witherspoon for seven years and had two kids with her. Then he started sleeping around with Abbie Cornish and they divorced.
Abbie Cornish (who he’s been with since 2006) is angry now, because she found out that Phillipe is… are you sitting down?… cheating on her!
Qu’une surpise!
Dick Cheney was hospitalized “after experiencing chest pains yesterday.”
Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
In 2006, pneumonia and bloodborne infections (caught while hospitalized) killed _____ patients at a cost of ______.
a) 504 & $820,000
b) 1,372 & $10,900,000
c) 25,816 & $1,070,000,000
d) 48,000 & $8,100,000,000
Pencils down.
The answer is d.
Seriously.
Rich Lowry complains that Obama won’t compromise with Republicans (!) because “it doesn’t interest him or his party.”
Then he suggests Nancy Pelosi “commission a poet as talented as Tennyson to memorialize the impending charge of her former majority makers: ‘Boldly they rode and well, into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of Hell.”
His point? No idea. But it’s great to imagine Democrats going to Hell, right?
Then Michael Tanner says that “Diocletian would be proud” of Obama. Diocletian “imposed price controls on most commodities and professions” in 301 AD.
For those keeping track, this makes Obama a Communist Socialist Marxist Nazi Kenyan Diocletian.
Wal-Mart is buying Vudu.
This means that, just like their recent price war with Amazon and other online booksellers, they will soon be trying to undersell Netflix on movie downloads.
Stop supporting this behemoth of mediocrity, America. Please.
Cindy Adams (for the second time in a week!) escehws her regular column of rambles to do a full page of something else. This time it’s a review of the current production of Mr. & Mrs. Fitch (starring John Lithgow and Jennifer Ehle).
She gives it one Yorkie out of four.
What next? A restaurant review? Wall Street analysis? Getting in the box?
Nature Boy is a sissy?
Ric Flair’s wife was arrested and charged with assaulting the former professional wrestler in their home in North Carolina.
When reached for comment, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka couldn’t stop laughing.
The Knicks scored 67 points last night.
That’s a WNBA score, yo.
Manny Rodriguez has declared, “I know I’m not going to be here next year” about his time with the Dodgers.
Under no circumstances do I want that douche anywhere near Yankee Stadium (unless he joins the Mets).
Chan Ho Park. Former Phillie, current Yankee.
Nice.
Posada is catching for A.J. Burnett?!?
And they’re getting along?!?
Now I’ve seen everything!
Faces of America with Louis Gates, Jr. is on PBS, which means it hasn’t been dumbed down to primordial levels.
But fret not, America’s mouthbreathers!
Lisa Kudrow is teaming up with NBC to bring you Who Do You Think You Are? which is exactly the same show, but with Spike Lee and Sarah Jessica Parker!
If it does well, look for CBS’ To Catch A Predecessor, ABC’s Jeannie-ology (hosted by someone named Jeannie) and Fox’s Analyze My Jizz! by year’s end.
Sarah Palin will be a guest on the second night of Jay Leno’s Tonight Show Redux.
The musical guest? Adam Lambert.
$20 says she insists they change that.
$40 says they do.
Tonight I will be eating my wife’s transcendent seafood soup and catching up with one of my oldest friends.
Doubleyayz!
Stay dry!
The front page tells me that the US tally is Bode-acious. If I cared at all about the Olympics, this might excite me.
But most of the cover is devoted to the EXCLUSIVE follow-up to the NOAH-F story, WHAT MONEY? Louis Rainey (who the Post refers to twice as a “former Louisiana political honcho”) says that the victims in New Orleans never got any money from the charity (though they were sent some old clothes). The more I read about Rep. Gregory Meeks and state Senator Malcolm Smith, the angrier I get.
Where is the accountability in this country? Why is this sort of thing allowed to go on, with little or no consequences? Why does Charlie Rangel still have a job? Where has the oversight been on Seabrook? Espada? Arroyo?
I’m a Democrat, but I don’t vote blindly. And at this rate, I may never vote again.
There’s an E train that has video surveillance equipment in four of its cars.
So, if you want to deface a train with graffiti or stab someone or urinate, avoid the E train with the giant posters that say “Notice: This train may be equipped with a video recording device.”
That’s some good police work, Lou.
Let me get this straight: Toyota knew their cars had problems, but didn’t issue a recall because it cost less to just let people keep dying? This reminds me of that Gene Hackman movie where he files a class action lawsuit against a car company for knowingly keeping unsafe cars on the road.
I think it was called Gene Hackman’s Character Sues A Car Comapany For Knowingly Keeping Unsafe Cars on the Road.
Cindy Adams complains that “reporters are still asking what do we think of that pig Tiger.”
Almost 20% of Saturday’s paper was devoted to Mr. Woods.
Box.
I just watched Michelle Obama’s interview with Mike Huckabee.
She said “you know” 642 times (my conservative guesstimate).
“President Obama wants to give federal authorities the power to limit rate hikes by health-insurance companies.”
And I want him to.
(to borrow liberally from Oscar Wilde, the only thing more expensive than not having health insurance is having health insurance)
Mandrea!
Folly and the Ivy for city’s prep parents starts out berating people (this time parents of children who want to get them into NYC’s ritziest pre-schools) in the usual Mandrea style (“It’s stupid season in the city’s toniest schools.”), but then it loses its edge. Why? Because Mandrea considers herself “one of these parents.”
“I know it’s probably unnecessary to go into permanent hock to get my kid educated. Yet I am not immune to the ‘what ifs.’ What if my child will be a happier/smarter/more successful adult after going to private school? What if I can’t take the chance of being wrong? What if I am truly insane? I am not immune to the immense pressure to give my kid the best possible start in life. This is New York. The best will cost you.”
So, since Mandrea is among them, these parents aren’t that stupid after all! Happy ending!
Tiger Woods (He’s a sorry sight) and Eliot Spitzer (Eliot advising gov is a lust cause) don’t fare as well. The former complains that he didn’t apologize to “the bimbos that got him into trouble” and therefore, “he still doesn’t get it. He never will.” I love how she calls them bimbos and then reprimands Woods for not apologizing to them (but they’d be too stupid to understand him even if he did, right, Mandrea?). But Mr. Spitzer gets the worst of it.
“Stick to subjects you know, Eliot: Babes, black knee socks and getting away with it.
Former Luv Gov Spitzer, who avoided jail after being outed as the state’s most notorious john, is giving advice and counsel aimed at helping Gov. Paterson get re-elected. He’s teaching Paterson about the deficit. The budget deficit, not the deficit of character, a subject about which Spitzer knows a great deal. That’s advice our hapless governor would be better off refusing.”
So, I can ask Ashley Dupre for advice, but asking one of NYC’s most decorated politicians for advice is a bad idea? Oh, Mandrea. Stairs.
The Fat Reverend Al Sharpton’s media strategist, Rachel Noerdlinger, 39, got into a “pushing and shoving” match with Myasia Layne, 20, at Noerdlinger’s boyfriend’s apartment in the Bronx. Noerdlinger faces up to a year if convicted of the assault charges she faces.
That’s some good media strategizing, Lou.
Somebody else drove five miles in the wrong direction on the Taconic Parkway.
“Wrong Way? What an odd name for a parkway!”
Marc K. Siegel offers the poorly-worded Bill ♥ American Health Care, which oddly explains that Bill Clinton got a cardiac stent which he couldn’t have gotten if he was Canadian. But what the good (bad?) doctor fails to mention is that Clinton also couldn’t have gotten it without his former-POTUS health care plan.
Why do both sides have to make such spurious arguments? There are plenty of reasons to not like the health-care bill(s). And plenty of reasons to not not like them. Do you really have to create stupid arguments like this, Fox News shill?
Jed Hate Marc K. Siegel.
Steven Wolosker of Manhattan, John W. Fox of Galloway, New Jersey, Seymour Kleiman of Baltimore, Carl DiMedio of the Bronx, and Bob Tornese of Yonkers:
You are all stupid. Truly and profoundly stupid. Thanks for taking the time to write in about how “authentic” Sarah Palin is. And how she’s going to be POTUS in 2012. And how you’re all mindbogglingly stupid.
The Search For Six Wins continues this Tuesday night when the now 5-51 Nets face the 32-25 Trailblazers.
Go, Portland!
Fun fact(s): At the end of the 1st quarter, the Nets were up 36-20. At the half, they led 58-47. They ultimately lost 104-94.
P.U.
Why is House still in repeats? What gives, stupid Fox?
Sigh.
It’s Monday.
Try to curb your enthusiasm.
YESTERDAY
Of the nine (9) pages of Tiger Woods coverage (not counting the additional two pages in the sports section), here are the highlights:
“He used the word ‘I’ and its variations nearly 115 times.”
“Tiger Woods’ mom thinks thinks her son will soon be able to put his life back together.”
“‘He didn’t mention anything about the girls [he had trysts with],’ the Sicilain-born tomato told the Post.” (the tomato is former Playboy model Loredana Jolie Ferriolo)
“But he said nothing about his developing jowls.” (that’s from Mandrea, who has fully-developed jowls)
“The only two celebrities who score lower as role models are Lindsay Lohan and Kanye West.”
“When it comes to public apologies, Tiger Woods sliced this one right into the rough.”
There was plenty more, but nothing worth anyone’s time.
A judge told Hiram Monserrate that he can’t have his job back and Bloomberg announced on his weekly radio show that he is furious at the lack of work at Ground Zero.
Good and good.
That 911 operator pushed “the wrong button” and that’s why the firefighters and paramedics went to Brooklyn and not Manhattan.
Multi-million dollar lawsuit in 5… 4… 3…
Michael Phelps is retiring after the 2012 Olympics.
(I sincerely doubt this)
Werner Lippe, 68, confessed to killing his 49-year-old wife, dumping her in an oil drum and setting her on fire. He confessed three times. Then he changed his mind.
A jury in White Plains deadlocked after four days of deliberation and a mistrial was declared.
Aren’t his words supposed to be used against him in a court of law?
But that 20-year-old volunteer firefighter who killed a woman and her three children in a fire he set? He got convicted and faces a maximum sentence of 25 years to life.
And the 15-year-old who took his 12-year-old neighbor for a joyride, crashed the car (killing her) and ran away? He left DNA all over the car. He was just arrested. Two months after the fact.
“Transsexual performer Rose Wood vomited on stage directly onto [Susan Sarandon].”
Thanks, Page Six (today on page 14)!
Did you know that retired transit workers (and there are currently 15,000 of them) and their spouses get free rides on buses and subways for the rest of their lives? And it only costs the MTA $16,000,000 a year!
I hope they raise our fares again soon!
Congressional Republicans are accusing the SEIU of working so closely with ACORN that it constitutes a “criminal conspiracy.”
They also blame ACORN for the housing crisis.
And Obama for the Kennedy assassination(s).
Scream “Will You Buy My Buick!” In An Empty Toilet Male Reproductive Organs (sorry, Ralph Peters) insists that Iran is seconds away from destroying us all (Nuclear Countdown). His advice?
“A military response to Iran’s nuke program is a terrible idea. But, barring timely regime change in Tehran, force is the only thing that’s going to work.”
His new book, Endless War, hits stores in March. Hopefully, someone will hit Ralph before then.
Fun fact that isn’t true: The full title of the book is Endless War (and the raging hard-on I get imagining it).
In the editorial Tiger’s Mea Culpa, the paper that spent nine (9) pages (plus two more in the sports section) ripping Tiger Woods apart proclaims, “He’s entitled to attempt to reclaim his life… All in all, we wish him well.”
No, actually, they don’t.
Jonah Goldberg refers to Democrats (and the people who support them) as “pounding their spoons on their high chairs about the unfairness of GOP ‘obstructionism’ in the Senate.”
That’s right, Jonah. Anyone who complains about the Republicans that have held press conferences to announce that they will refuse to appoint anyone Obama nominates — regardless of the nominees or the importance of the position — must be a big baby. Not the minority party refusing to take part in any bipartisanship. They aren’t babies. It’s the Democrats who are the babies.
Stairs, Jonah. Stairs.
Speaking of whining babies, who better to write about the new “strollers vs. slings” debate (for two full pages) than Kyle Smith? He has no baby and owns neither stroller nor sling so… they must have wanted the piece to reflect the baby’s POV?
Where’s Pete Hammond? Is he OK?
Please call me, Pete. I’m worried.
The Search For Six Wins continues.
The Nets lost last night, making them a 5-50 team (9.1%).
Wow.
Jose Molina signed a one-year contract with the Toronto Blue Jays.
Farewell, Jose.
TODAY
Rarely does the front page make me laugh. Today it did. Not because of the odd-looking woman whose two-page “I was a dominatrix in Midtown Manhattan” story will almost guarantee her a weekly column in this awful paper, but because of the other headline:
PARTY OF ONE
‘I’m running,’ sad gov says to empty room
A flip to page 5 reveals that the “empty room” had 400 people in it (“including a few dozen reporters and camera people”).
But the story on page 4 is far more interesting. Guess who has a 7% stake in AEG, the company that Paterson (possibly illegally) awarded the racino contract to. Go on, guess.
Jay-Z.
Holla.
MLB is barring all players, coaches, team employees (anyone, really) from bringing guns into locker rooms or with them on road trips.
Which greatly lowers the Mets’ chances this year.
Goodwin!
David’s full glass of whine offers no pity for “Governor” Paterson’s current predicament(s). All nukes are not equal explains why Israel can have nukes but Iran can’t (“This is power politics, not sharing time in preschool.”). Yo, Joe, we get your con job paints Vice President Biden as a moron (as only the blackest of pots can). But OBAMA’S DALAI GOOD DEED actually praises the POTUS for meeting with the Dalai Lama.
I guess it was only a matter of time before he slipped and said something complimentary.
I wonder if this means that Cindy Adams will say something relevant today! Or if Ashley Dupre will say something helpful/non-disease-spreading!
Cindy’s column is all about home renovations and redecorations. She refers to her decorator as “Twinkletoes” and claims he suggested for her to “create a pony-skin rumpus room.”
This doesn’t bode well for Ashley’s column.
Nicholas “Fat Nick” Minucci is serving a 15-year sentence for beating a Black man in the head with a baseball bat in 2005 (in Howard Beach!). Peter Braunstein is serving 18 years to life for all sorts of horrible things (he dressed up as a fireman, set a fake fire, bound and “terrorized” a former co-worker in her apartment, led police on an interstate manhunt and plenty of other fun things).
And now, they’re best friends! They even watch Gossip Girl together!
“Pete’s just a witty guy. He’s one [sic] the smartest guys I’ve ever come in contact with,” says the convicted perpetrator of a hate crime.
“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been since I’ve been in jail,” said Crazy Pete.
I wonder who the bottom is.
The odd-looking dominatrix looks much less odd in her work clothes. And what does Melissa “Mistress Justine” Febos do nowadays?
She teaches at SUNY-Purchase and NYU (though what she teaches remains a disturbing mystery).
I wonder if her students refer to her classes as “erectives.”
Peter Suderman is an associate editor at Reason magazine. That’s strikes one through nine.
His IT’S A TRAP (sub-head: Republicans need to stay away from the unpopular health care “summit”) is a masterpiece of idiocy. The same paper that trumpets Evan Bayh’s decision to not run again (because of what he referred to as “too much brain-dead partisanship” in the Senate) as proof that everything is the Democrats’ fault is now advocating a Republican boycott of Obama’s summit because the Republican Party has nothing to gain from it.
Do their constituents? Absofuckinglutely. But since they’d benefit from something spearheaded by Democrats, Suderman sees fit to type, “Curling is on from Vancouver on Thursday. Republicans have better things to do.”
This waste of space is actually telling the politicians on his side to stay home and watch the Olympics instead of, you know, their job. I want Republicans who threaten filibusters to actually have to actually filibuster. Then I want every Tea Partier, Birther and Palindrone to sit up in their hammocks and watch as Republicans read nonsense for hours and days and weeks instead of doing what they were elected to do.
And then fall down some stairs.
ASK ASHLEY!
When I’m out in a social setting or even online dating, I tend to attract women I’m not attracted to. I’m a decent looking guy and I have a good personality, but for some reason, I’m not having much luck out there. What can I do to improve my game? Dating coaches and pickup artists tell us guys not to be too nice. Do you agree? — Rob, 34, Brooklyn
ASHLEY: “Get to know someone before you say that you are (or aren’t) attracted to her.”
JED: “Lower your standards.”
My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have great sex — when we have it. How do I get her to help keep things alive in the bedroom? She thinks it’s 100 percent my responsibility to initiate sex. I’m getting tired of being the sole source of sexual energy. — Robert, 39
ASHLEY: “I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to always initiate sex!”
JED: “Did the whore just actually say that? My irony meter won’t stop screaming.”
I have a small, skinny penis: 4.5 inches. Recently, though, I began getting turned on by telling girls about my small penis size — even though many say it’s a disappointing fact. Oddly enough, the humiliation turns me on. Is this normal? — Mike L., 30, Manhattan
ASHLEY: “Respect women, and you’ll find one who will do what it takes to make it work in the bedroom.”
JED: “Hire a prostitute. They are contractually obligated to deal with (and not laugh at) your tiny penis.”
Title of column: In the pink
Author: V.A. Musetto
Excerpts: “It’s always nice to discover a talented up-and-comer such as Talia Vana, star of the sensual low-budget feature Girls Night Out. Vana, who has a Christina Ricci thing going for her, plays 17-year-old blond vixen Phoebe, who seduces her girlfriend’s 12-year-old (that’s not a typo) brother during a girls’ sleepover.
I arranged to meet Vana at a West Village cafe so she could tell me all about herself.”
Creepy!
“I wondered if Vana is anything like her character?”
Super-creepy!
“At one point (in the movie), Vana strips down to hot-pink bra and panties. ‘I was the only one who took her shirt off,’ she explains without prompting from me. ‘The other girls [Liz Fye and Rachael Hess] were originally supposed to take them off too, but they refused because they said they didn’t want to be part of a man’s teenage fantasy.
‘I didn’t really feel that uncomfortable. In another movie I had a full frontal.’
That other movie, if you care, is Welcome Home the Airman in which Vana’s character, Echo, seduces yet another male.”
(Call Chris Hansen!)
Johnny Damon, Detroit Tiger?
$8,000,000 for one year is what they’re saying (pending a physical).
Godspeed, Captain Caveman.
And that’s all you’re getting.
Big ups to Mr. Mosley. He funny. And nice. And looks nothing like Yaphet Kotto.
G’night!
Yeah, Saturday is now officially my day off. I’ll still read the paper (at my leisure) and share my findings on Sunday, but the first nine (9) pages (including the cover) are all Tiger Woods analysis from cranky jerks like Mandrea and Phil Mushnick. There’s so much feigned indignation, I feel like I’m at a convention for Margaret Dumont impersonators!
(crickets)
But seriously, folks. One of E…W.’s long(est)-time readers has somehow managed to escape Philadelphia and is arriving here in a few hours (and by here, I mean Manhattan). And, as the MTA has seen fit to shut down our train station for the weekend (along with every other one between Jay St. and Church Ave.), we need to wait for/take a shuttle bus in order to get to a station where we can wait for/take a train to Manhattan.
So today’s entry is short. But it also made me realize that I let this horrible newspaper co-opt too much of my weekend. Sundays are a must, but Saturdays are generally nothing more than Malkin-slathered place-holders. So… yeah. Maybe I’ll try and find a nice video for Saturdays. Or a photo of a dog in a silly hat.
Enjoy your Saturday, peeps. I’ll let you know if you missed anything in today’s paper tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Jed
P.S. — 
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