Archive for February 1st, 2010

Remember Astro from The Jetsons? He, like Scooby-Doo, spoke perfect English, but with r’s replacing the first letter of almost every word. That’s what I immediately thought of when I saw the fattest and ugliest man in football on today’s front page. The headline is REX-RATED because Fatty McAlso-ran (born Rex Ryan) told fans in Miami (“at a mixed-martial-arts event”) that “we’re coming to beat you twice next year”… and then he gave everyone the middle finger.

And the Post being the Post, that’s the shot on the front page. Online, people blur out the extended middle finger. Even MTV has more class (!) than the Post. And, oh look. There’s the same photo on page 5. Along with fun facts like:

* Rex Ryan eats 7,000 calories a day (though that might be a typo; I think they left a zero off)!

* When he gave Miami fans the finger, he also told them to “Go fuck yourselves!”

* I get nauseous every time I look at that man’s neck.

“Governor” Paterson has promised to raise $8,000,000 “in the next few months” for his impending battle against Andrew Cuomo.

In a related story, Mayor Bloomberg put on an old pair of pants and found $9,000,000 in the pocket.

They’re selling Powerball tickets in New York now?

And there’s a $107,000,000 jackpot for Wednesday’s drawing?

I like my odds!

It’s not new episodes of The Larry Sanders Show, but it’s pretty damn close.

Why did Rip Torn break into a bank and go to sleep on the floor? He thought it was his house.

So… it was either a really beautiful bank, or he lives in a very dull house.

Robert Downey, Jr. needs to play Rip in the inevitable TV movie.

The number of (successful) bank robberies in New York City was halved last year (444 in 2008, 222 in 2009) thanks to new Plexiglas barriers and tellers who ignore bank robbers.

Which makes me wonder why every bank didn’t do this many, many years ago.

Faith in God? Yes. Faith in our justice system? No.

Now the GOP is insisting that there be no 9/11 terror trial. Solamente military tribunals. That receive no funding. And don’t occur on U.S. soil.

What a bunch of cowards.

al Qaeda is planning on surgically implanting bombs into their future Jim Carrey-ons.

So… the people in the caves are going to perform complicated surgery on each other and then (once the scars have healed over) they’ll board a plane and inject the TATP (from a syringe) into the PETN that’s inside them? Didn’t the last guy have trouble doing it when the TATP was in his underwear?

Maybe the TSA should crack down on people smuggling syringes onto planes? Problem solved?

Avatar is $6,300,000 away from becoming the all-time highest-grossing movie (domestically) ever, knocking Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! from it’s pedestal. Or is it Titanic that holds the record?

By Thursday at the latest, methinks.

I’m looking at photos of last night’s Grammy Awards and I can’t bring myself to care. Oh, Michael Jackson’s kids gave a speech (“Daddy was supposed to be here, he was gonna perform this year, but he couldn’t perform last year. Thank you. We love you, Daddy.”)? And Fergie dressed like Tron? And Elton John and Lady Gaga duetted?

At least Stephen Colbert won one.

According to Page Six (today on page 12), Ryan Seacrest gave a toast to Clive Davis at Davis’ annual pre-Grammy party.

“Not a single thing he said got a laugh. He made a lame joke about how Clive Davis’ ears look like the actual Grammy statue. It was awkward.”

Now THAT I would watch.

Joan Rivers on Jay Leno: “He’s fucking boring!”

Mike Tyson was a “dancer for a night” on the Italian version of Dancing With the Stars (I believe their version is called Dancing-a With-a duh Stars-a).

Here he is performing a dance of his own invention, the Punch and Rape and Punch.

He wasn’t asked back.

Fun fact: The Mars Rover has been stuck in a sand pit for nine months. NASA can’t get it out.

Let’s give them another $500,000,000,000,000,000,000, shall we?

Mandrea!

Her main kvetch today is Welcome to the Blunderdome, which complains about heightened security near Wall Street — and that a 9/11 trial would only exacerbate that heightened security. Which, for some reason, is a bad thing.

“This is the brave new world, post-9/11. A world for which we never asked. But with public trials, we’re just begging for trouble. Bring back the tribunals. The criminals will get quiet justice, not a starring role in a circus. And we’ll get peace of mind.”

That’s right, folks. No 9/11 trial in NYC means no danger from terrorists ever again.

She also rips into Eliot Spitzer (Eliot ’socks’ Silda, again) — almost a week after everyone else at this horrible paper — for his interview with BigThink.com (next week, she’ll tackle that fuss-pot Spiro Agnew!).

And she commends Israel for all they’re doing in Haiti. For some reason.

Nice piece on 2010 Super Bowl ads. But, since I don’t care about the game and I’m angry at CBS for not running an ad with men kissing — but allowing one that includes a highly dubious anti-abortion story courtesy of Focus on the Family (While A Priest Molests Your Child) — I think I’ll wait for the good commercials to end up on YouTube (especially the Super Bowl Shuffle reunion spot for Boost Mobile).

The Nets played last night. And, as they have 41 times out of 45 previous attempts, they lost (this time by 4 points).

4-42 or 8.7%.

Oof.

Steve Serby has a full page on why Rex Ryan’s bird-flipping was FLIPPIN’ STUPID. And why there are No excuses for Rexxx’s gesture.

Which the Post featured on its front page. And again on page 5.

Linda Stasi gives The Michael Vick Project two stars.

“If you want to see how quickly everything can become nothing, this is the show for you. If, however, you can never forgive, then stay away. Can Vick get it all back again? Probably. After all, he recently threw a 76-yard touchdown pass — the longest scoring throw of his career. I wonder how far he can throw a dog.”