Today’s title can be read as The Post Loves Prostitutes or The Post Is Less Than 3 Prostitutes. Both are accurate.

When I picked up today’s paper, it weighed as much as Sunday’s. But once I got home I realized that 108 pages (!) is the list of properties that the City of New York plans on selling due to the owners’ unpaid bills.

That leaves just 64 pages of terrible newspaper, beginning with a front page that features two major stories. STOMPER ROOM is the story of Joseph Gullotta, 29. He’s a teacher at PS 65 in Ozone Park. A 10-year-old and a 9-year-old were arguing in class, so Gullotta told them to settle their dispute with their fists. So they did. The 10-year-old hit his head into the 9-year-old’s mouth, cutting the younger boy’s lip and bruising the older boy’s head. Abraham Fox, 43, is Gullotta’s “teacher’s aide” and was present for all of this but did/said nothing during the fight. After the fight, he remarked that the 9-year-old might need stitches, but neither boy was allowed to go to the school nurse. Instead, Gullotta taught two more periods of whatever it is a moron teaches fourth graders.

Only after coaching the kids on what to tell the nurse (they hot their heads together trying to pick up the same pencil) were they allowed to see the nurse. This guy needs to go to prison immediately.

The other story on the front page — the one that eats up more than have of the cover — is:

Would you pay $500 to sleep with this man?

Post reporter’s night with a gigolo

That’s right, the same newspaper that hired a disgraced (ex-?)prostitute to offer their readers weekly advice on love — and then spent a week laughing at the prospect of one of her clients talking about love when asked about it in an interview — paid Mandy Stadtmiller to fly to Nevada and pay a male prostitute $500. And then write about it.

“Now, to answer the question on your mind: No, I did not sleep with him.”

“I did not make out with him.”

Instead, the three (3) entire pages of this “article” talk about the words the gigolo mispronounces (“Musician he’s like: ‘Moby’ or — wait for it — ‘Choppin’ [meaning Chopin].”), how creepy Mandy found him, how unromantic he was… basically, today’s cover story is the equivalent of someone who doesn’t believe in God covering a sermon and focusing on what the priest was wearing.

Couldn’t the Post have found someone at the paper willing to have sex with him? Instead of just rolling their eyes at the very concept? Surely Ashley Dupre was the obvious choice (“Dupre Sees How The Other Half Lives!” or “From Hooker to Hooked!” or “Dirty Whore Meets Dirty Whore!”).

What a terrible newspaper.

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Almost nine out of every ten teenage girls (between 13 and 17) in this country “feel pressured by the media and the fashion industry to be skinny and that an unrealistic, unattainable image of beauty has been created.”

Someone should tell Kyle Smith (his Fat Chance in the January 2, 2010 edition ripped apart all ad campaigns that feature any women who aren’t beanpoles and characterized those non-emaciated women as difficult to look at [which is why I am positive that Kyle is gay]). Not that he’d care.

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Consumer Reports tested 37 different brands of blended coffee (regular and decaf, available in various supermarkets and coffee chains) with “expert tasters.”

Guess how many scored “excellent.”

None.

Guess how many scored a “very good.”

None.

14 of the 37 were “good.” The rest were “fair.”

Which makes me wish I wasn’t “poor” so I could buy gourmet coffees and not feel “incomplete.”

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Prez will tax rich to debt proclaims the headline. SPEND! SPEND! SPEND! screams the banner atop it. $1.6T deficit, wealthy $oaked says the thing under the headline.

That’s right, Obama is going to take away all your money. Want proof? Then dig this infographic example:

Taxes for a married New York City couple with a combined income of $275,000.

WITH BUSH CUTS: Paid $68,117 in federal taxes

OBAMA BUDGET: Will pay $68,867, an increase of $750

NEW YORK STATE TAX: $18,837.50

CITY TAX: $9,549.80

TOTAL BILL UNDER OBAMA PLAN: $97,254.30

That fucker! That married couple is paying almost 40% of their earnings in taxes! And it’s all Obama’s fault!

Unless you look at that chart again and actually read it. Obama is forcing that couple to pay an extra $750. That’s it. Did they not have to pay state and city taxes when Bush was POTUS? And is $750 really going to put them in debt? Really, terrible newspaper?

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RIP MADE SOUSE CALL provides a picture of Rip Torn’s house and the bank he illegally entered. Then don’t look all that similar, but the bank is located in a two-story colonial house (it even has an attic!). So it’s not like he broke into one of those guadily-lit ATM parlors we have on every other corner of NYC.

When Rip was Breathalyzed (2 1/2 hours after the break-in), he blew a .203, which is over twice the legal limit.

The owner of the bar he was at prior to the break-in told the Post that Rip “ate oysters, but declined to say if the actor was drinking.” Um… I’m pretty sure he was.

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Officer Kevin Maloney, 27, is Anal Serpico.

Michael Mineo claimed that cops shoved a baton in his buppo when they arrested him in 2008. The cops all provided each other’s alibis and it looked like Mineo had no chance of winning. Enter NYC’s newest Least Popular Cop (Among Cops).

Maloney says he saw the assault and came forward to see justice done. I commend him on his choice.

I also fear for his life.

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Churley Hurt needs to fall down a lot of stairs.

Today’s re-trumpeting of the GOP’s (not all that) recent (anymore) victories in New Jersey, Virginia and Massachusetts is Obama’s got real trouble at home. It revels in those upsets and predicts a GOP upset in Illinois and Hawaii, too (all proving that America hates Obama).

“The only place where Obama has roots that doesn’t seem to be sick and tired of him these days is Kenya. Don’t be surprised if Republicans start fielding candidates there soon.”

Kenya… that’s where he was born, right?

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The NYC Green Codes Task Force recommends opening access to all building’s stairwells so that tenants/employees can exercise more.

Start with the NewsCorp building.

(and grease them)

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Why does Charlie Rangel still have a job?

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The man who has John Edwards and Rielle Hunter’s sex tape has been offered money for it.

He has declined to sell it.

I am baffled as to why he hasn’t set fire to it yet.

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The Nets have the worst record in the Eastern Conference of the NBA (they also have the worst record in the entire NBA and all professional sports as a whole) with an 8.7% record. Detroit has the second-worst record in the EC — 32.6%

They play each other tonight. I predict New Jersey will be 4-43 by morning.

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Joe Mauer signed a 10-year contract with the Twins.

Johnny Damon is in talks with Detroit.

Kevin Millar signed with the Cubs.

Pitchers and catchers report in 15 days.

(waves miniature Yankees pennant)

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Another new episode of Kitchen Nightmares tonight? Already? Which God did I please?

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OSCAR NOMINATIONS HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED!

I will bold the person/film that I think will win, but I reserve the right to change my mind right up until the morning of the awards ceremony.

Best Actor

• Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
• George Clooney in “Up in the Air”
• Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
• Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
• Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”

Best Supproting Actor

• Matt Damon in “Invictus”
• Woody Harrelson in “The Messenger”
• Christopher Plummer in “The Last Station”
• Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones”
• Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”

Best Actress

• Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
• Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
• Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
• Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
• Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”

Best Supporting Actress

• Penélope Cruz in “Nine”
• Vera Farmiga in “Up in the Air”
• Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
• Anna Kendrick in “Up in the Air”
• Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”

Best Animated Feature

• “Coraline” Henry Selick
• “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Wes Anderson
• “The Princess and the Frog” John Musker and Ron Clements
• “The Secret of Kells” Tomm Moore
• “Up” Pete Docter

Best Director

• “Avatar” James Cameron
• “The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow
• “Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino
• “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels
• “Up in the Air” Jason Reitman

Best Picture

• “Avatar” James Cameron and Jon Landau, Producers
• “The Blind Side” Nominees to be determined
• “District 9” Peter Jackson and Carolynne Cunningham, Producers
• “An Education” Finola Dwyer and Amanda Posey, Producers
• “The Hurt Locker” Nominees to be determined
• “Inglourious Basterds” Lawrence Bender, Producer
• “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels, Sarah Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness, Producers
• “A Serious Man” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Producers
• “Up” Jonas Rivera, Producer
• “Up in the Air” Daniel Dubiecki, Ivan Reitman and Jason Reitman, Producers

The rest will be covered at a later date.

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Yesterday I lost part of a filling, so I made an appointment with a fancy “dental spa” that offers virtual reality glasses while your teeth are being fixed.

What a time to be alive.

See you tomorrow, kids.