Archive for February 3rd, 2010

Much Ado About Thongs

3rd February
2010
written by jed

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Rex Ryan giving the finger? That’s back (though, thankfully, on the back cover and not the front). What could be even more off-putting than that? How about a front-page headline like Jets finger Ryan for $50,000?

I understand — the Jets fined Ryan $50,000 for flipping the bird. Fine. But you could turn his middle finger into the vertical line in a dollar sign so easily… and did you really have to put the image of a football team digitally inserting themselves into an obese man in my head?

Such. An awful. Newspaper.

“Gov. Paterson has postponed the official launch of his election campaign for at least two weeks because of a lack of support from Democratic officials and disorganization in his campaign, the Post learned yesterday.”

Talk about being blind…

Jenny Sanford, cuckolded wife of South Carolina (boooo!) Gov. Mark Sanford, claims that the promise to be “faithful” was removed from their wedding vows by her horny ex.

“It bothered me to some extent but … we were very young, we were in love. I questioned it, but I got past it… along with other doubts I had.”

Talk about being blind…

Michael Riedel on page 3 (Torn asunder by his drinking)? Whycome?

“My father is a brilliant man, but so much has been wasted. He’s pissed away so much — so much of his time and so much of his talent.”

That’s Angelica Torn talking about her father, Rip. It’s heartbreaking.

I can still hear Riedel jumping up and down and clapping as he wrote this article.

The first sentence of Charges today on Jacko doc:

“Michael Jackson’s doctor will be allowed to quietly surrender today on a charge of manslaughter — disappointing relatives of the King of Pop, who wanted a public spectacle so his kids could see the alleged pill-pusher in handcuffs, sources said.”

Yeah… those kids need more public spectacle in their lives.

Talk about being blind…

That fire in Bensonhurst the other day? Turns out one of the “heroes” of the ordeal was also the guy who started the fire. Daniel Ignacio, 27, served 10 months in prison after being caught committing a burglary in Brooklyn in January of 2002. Then he was deported back to his native Guatemala.

He re-entered the U.S. (illegally!) roughly a year ago. He moved into a boarding house on 86th Sreet two months ago. And according to the cops who took his confession, last Saturday he got drunk and set fire to the building — then went upstairs and went to sleep. Five people died, including the mother of the 2-year-old he helped “rescue.”

“I’m not a monster! I have compassion!” Ignacio shouted (in Spanish!) to reporters yesterday.

Tell that to the five people you killed, majadero.

(this will become the new talking point for the folks who hate immigrants, ’specially the illegal ones)

The premier of Newfoundland and Labrador (Danny Williams) is coming to the U.S. (legally!) to get heart surgery that isn’t available in his native land (Heart of the issue). And how does this article begin?

“Canada’s health-care system is as beloved by the American left as Birkenstocks and Barbra Streisand, but one of the country’s leading politicians was forced to come to the United States for heart surgery.”

For the record: I have never owned a pair of Birkenstocks and I dislike Babs intensely.

(this will become the new talking point for the folks who hate health-care reform, ’specially the ones being funded by the insurance companies)

What about leather Africa medallions and dial-up internet connections?

Cosmopolitan magazine (the arbiters of… something, I’m sure) has declared “The thong is dead.”

(sarcastic expression of surprise)

They go on to say that sales are now “lower than the hipster jeans that were designed to expose them.”

Next month, they’ll tackle the Commodore 64.

A doctor has testified that Michael Mineo’s “anal tear” could be self-inflicted but it would be “highly unlikely.”

Sounds like someone’s about to get a big chunk of my taxes! Try not to sodomize anyone else this week, NYPD!

Empire magazine (a truly wonderful monthly publication from England that Americans can get at Barnes & Noble for a truly ridiculous price [$10? $12? $15?]) has named the Worst Movie Ever.

Not Shadowboxer! Not Vanilla Sky! Not It’s Pat!

Winner (Loser?): Batman and Robin.

Ironically, Teresa and I watched the movie Heckler the other night (despite Jamie Kennedy’s involvement, it’s great fun) and Joel Schumacher pops up to say that people shouldn’t have expected anything good from Batman and Robin because “It’s a comic book movie! What did they expect?”

Less nipples for one thing, you old fruit.

I love how Verizon has been taking out all of these full-page ads over the last month — but not a single one mentions the Droid. Those are selling (out, in some cases) just fine. But they can’t give away BlackBerries.

Ilovemyphoooooooooone.

Goodwin!

Only three items today (four if you include Bad for the Jews, good for a laugh, which I don’t). Harold hit ‘no trial here’ buzzer first pats the lying carpetbagger (Harold Ford Jr.) on the back for saying he didn’t think the 9/11 trial should be held in NYC — before Kirsten Gillibrand did. Fascinating.

Gov bleeds money ridicules Paterson for giving St. Vincent’s an interest-free $6,000,000 loan — so they could pay their staff, who are perilously close to losing their jobs entirely. Brilliant.

Bibi, not Bam has Iran plan (the bulk of today’s page) begins, “Here’s the nightmare scenario.” Which is that Israel finds out that Iran has nuclear weapons and they tell Obama that they have no choice but to launch a nuclear strike on Iran. Personally, my nightmare scenario is finding out that Iran is launching a nuclear strike on Windsor Terrace, but that’s just me.

The CIA has decreed that “the United States can expect a terror attack within its borders in three to six months.”

So be on the lookout for people with hasty surgical wounds and syringes.

John McCain (McGrumpyGrampy! How you been?) co-sponsored (along with six other Republicans) a bill to establish a bipartisan commission on the debt. Then they voted against it.

“It’s one thing to have an honest difference of opinion on something. But you can’t walk away from the responsibilities facing the country because you don’t think it’s good short-term politics. This law failed by seven votes, when seven Republicans who had co-sponsored the bill . . . suddenly walked away from their own proposal after I endorsed it,” Obama said. “What happened?”

Well, Barack, it’s like this. Daily Kos polled “self-identified Republicans” (not Tea Partiers, not Birthers, not undecideds) and found that 39% favor your impeachment. 36% don’t believe you were born here (another 22% isn’t sure). 63% think you’re a socialist. 21% are certain ACORN stole the election for you. And, though it doesn’t directly affect you, I’d also like to point out that 8% are OK with gay people teaching children, while 73% are against it (the other 19%, I presume, are edu-curious).

Stop tring to play nice. Stop trusting these scumbags. Start doing what you promised you would FOR the people who elected you.

Maybe I’m jaded, maybe I’m old (maybe I’m both), but the line-up for the updated “We Are The World” record (for Haiti) is, um, lackluster. Katharine McPhee? Harry Connick Jr.? Jamie Foxx? Sean Garrett? Toni Braxton? And Barbra Streisand (who Page Six — today on page 14 — reports needed 80 takes before Quincy Jones approved her “there’s a choice we’re making” line)?

I want to help Haiti… can I just pay for the record but not get/hear one?

“We’ve just run out of things to talk about. We have Kaballah, but that’s about it.”

That’s Madonna (according to Hollyscoop.com) on why she was dumped by Jesus Luz (who is 28 years younger than the 51-year-old order of ropa vieja).

I guess everyone in the world was right — it wouldn’t last!

Tangent!

Last night I went to my dentist and it was one of the best medical experiences of my life. Eveyone was super-nice and after my cleaning I watched Groundhog Day in a massage chair. I have to go back in a week for a permanent filling (I have a temp in for now), but I couldn’t be happier with just about every aspect of my visit.

Which is why I’m not naming them (it’s hard enough getting an appointment already!).

Next week, the state Senate will decide the fate of Hiram Monserrate.

Then they will decide whether or not the thong is dead.

Fun fact: 80% of the world’s bestiality porn comes from the Netherlands.

Funner fact: The Netherlands just outlawed sex between humans and animals.

Next week, they’ll decide whether on not it’s OK to whip your slaves.

(and if the thong is dead)

Stop the presses!

According to Hangover for hi-priced booze biz, expensive alcohol is not being purchased as much as it was before this recession!

And cheap booze is selling more than it used to!

And the thong! Is dead!

And, on page 28, we see a nice 9-paragraph piece (maybe 18% of the page) on Mike Mullen’s impassioned plea to overturn Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

I had to read about bestiality porn first (on the previous page, too… coincidence?).

According to a new report, “shoddy contractors who botch MTA projects worth millions of dollars repeatedly get good grades — and sometimes score new jobs as a result.”

War. Criminals.

Jonah Goldberg’s O IS AN IDEALOGUE is reprehensible.

Eric McGarvey writes in to chastise the Post for running the Rex Ryan’s middle finger photo on their front page (don’t look at the back of today’s paper, Eric!).

“To run a huge photo of a coach flipping someone off is insane.”

Thank you, fellow Post-sufferer.

Page 36 is a full-page ad for Fox News Channel.

MORE AMERICANS TRUST FOX NEWS THAN ANY OTHER NEWS NETWORK.

EXPERIENCE THE POWER.

That a news organization (let alone America’s “most trusted” identifies itself as “THE POWER” should make people (with any semblance of a brain) apoplectic with rage.

General Motors is doing really well since being nationally socialized by Tsar Obama… I wonder when that will get some media coverage…

Bank of America’s average bonus to its investment-banker employees last year?

$400,000.

Lou Lumenick picks the Oscar winners. We picked all the same ones (though he wouldn’t be suprised to see George Clooney upset Jeff Bridges — which makes sense since I don’t see Up in the Air winning anything else).

Which goes to show you how easy it is to handicap this year’s Oscars.

4-43 = 8.5%

(they lost by only 4 points, sure, but they still lost)

And the guy “mentoring” their new coach just quit! I can’t wait until they make it harder for me to get to Target and Pathmark!

Is Joba going back to his old bullpen gig, fulfilling his destiny as Mariano Rivera 2.0?

And do you remember me begging the Yankees to make this move throughout the 2009 season?

Yayz!

The final score of the Super Bowl will be 35-31.

The 25-year-old Army reservist who burst into the E! News studios with a knife — demanding Ryan Seacrest — has pleaded not guilty to harassing America’s Blandest Man (patent pending).

Chidi Benjamin Uzomah Jr. (who is quite possibly the only Black man in America who could pick Ryan Seacrest out of a lineup) faces four years in prison and the adoration of millions.

NBC loses money on the Olympics. Fox and ESPN are bidding on the rights for the 2014 Winter Olympics.

NBC will decide it isn’t worth it to lose (yet still more) money on them and walk away. Fox will outbid ESPN, knowing that there will be ample opportunities to spin “#1 in 87 countries across the globe; the most globally-trusted anything ever” in every conceivable way (’specially on their “News” [patent pending] network), which is worth more to their quest for validity.

In a related story, the thong is dead.

I think the only publicity that Edge of Darkness is Mel Gibson antagonizing reporters on his press junket.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/03/mel-gibson-asshole-video_n_447285.html

Incidentally, the original miniseries? Awful. Great cast notwithstanding, it’s ridiculous (plutonium plays a big role, as do black flowers, ghosts and criminal fondling).

I wonder if Gibson kisses his dead daughter’s vibrator in the remake…

Busy day. See you tomorrow.

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