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Double the Fun.

6th February
2010
written by jed

This will be a severely truncated double-header (I have what passes for a life and plenty of other things to accomplish, but a deal’s a deal).

YESTERDAY

AEG, the folks that “Governor” Paterson decided should get the contract for those 450 “video slots terminals” at Aqueduct, was “initially deemed ‘not qualified’ by the state” (more specifically, the Lottery Division).

I wonder how the eight people who looked forward to voting for him feel about this.

State Senator Jeff Klein (D- Bronx) has proposed a bill that would make it illegal (a class-A misdemeanor) to carry a firearm while drunk. “Two exemptions: people in their own homes and law-enforcement officials who’d face departmental charges.”

Does that mean what I think it means? That a cop won’t be charged with this because it might result in departmental charges? Or does it mean that the cop will face departmental charges and therefore doesn’t need to also face criminal charges?

If this was a better (or less awful) paper, I might have my answer.

In 2006, 28% of “Internet-using teens” kept an online blog.

In 2009, only 14% did.

I am a dying breed (and 16.5 years too old to take part in this survey).

Questlove (also known as ?uestlove) of The Roots posted a photo on Twitter of the “In Honor of Black History Month” cafeteria menu at the NBC Commissary (fried chicken, collard greens, black-eyed peas, jalapeño cornbread, etc.) and the world cried racism.

Turns out the woman who suggested it (Leslie Calhoun, who had been fighting for the menu for years) is an African-American chef who said of the subsequent hullabaloo, “I don’t understand it at all. It’s what I eat.” She also claims that on the day of the Twitter-photo-posting, Questlove “requested the neck bone [cooked in] the black-eyed peas and fried chicken, then got off the line, saying, ‘This is racist.’”

Was it racist? No. In seemingly poor taste, possibly, but not racist. Case closed.

270,000 Priuses have been sold around the world. 37,000 were sold in the U.S.

And all of them are about to get recalled.

Faulty brakes, don’tchaknow.

So glad I don’t own stock in Toyota.

Churley Hurt offers Rebels with a cause, which deftly portrays the first National Tea Party Convention as something to be taken seriously.

Oh, Churley. Whycome you didn’t mention how much it costs to attend the convention? You know, the convention for “real Americans” who are tired of Big Gubmint spending all of their hard-earned money on frivolous bullshit?

$349.00 (plus a $9.71 fee) will get you into the Banquet (featuring America’s dumbest keynote speaker, Sarah Palin!) OR the Convention (featuring 100% less Sarah Palin than the Banquet!). If you want to do both, that’s $549.00 (plus a $9.95 fee).

And great news, stupid people! Even though the convention is over in 10 hours, you can still buy a ticket! Although, sadly, they’ve sold out of the tickets that didn’t include admission to the Banquet that took place on Thursday. So, if you want to attend, you have to buy the mega-ticket, which will cost you $558.95.

Have fun, real Americans!

E-Police Commissioner Howard Safir hit a pregnant woman with his SUV last month and drove away, but won’t face any charges. Thank God. That poor man.

His side of the story? He hit her while backing into a parking spot. When he spoke to police (long after he had driven away), he claimed he didn’t know he had hit anyone.

That’s a pretty foolproof story, folks. The system works!

Simon Cowell’s replacement? Could be Howard Stern.

Ted Turner, while in NYC to accept an award: “They say that New York is going to get blown up in the next five years, so I am planning to leave here for my place in New Mexico tonight right after accepting this award.”

If TNT hadn’t rescued Southland, you’d be on the list, you former Fonda-fondler.

Those guys (two brothers and five of their cousins) that got severely beaten up by off-duty firefighters have a great case (some ex-firefighters that were working at the bar where it happened have come forward to incrimate the smoke-eating antagonists). Sadly, they also have one of New York’s scummiest attorneys: Joseph “Taco Penis” Tacopina (you may remeber him from such defendants as Hiram “Ladydragger” Monserrate and the ghost of Adolf Eichmann).

Taco Penis had this to say: “How ironic is it that they got pummeled by a bunch of firefighters acting like a pack of rabid dogs? It was feeding frenzy. I’ve seen the video, and it’s disgusting.”

1) It isn’t ironic at all.

2) It also wasn’t feeding frenzy. It was a feeding frenzy. But without the feeding.

3) I haven’t seen the video, but you’re disgusting.

Double the autopsy results, double the fun.

1) Brittany Murphy, 32, died from pneumonia, anemia, lack of medical care and drug intoxication. Ruling: Accidental.

Insult to injury: She had made a doctor’s appointment for a few days after she died.

2) Casey Johnson, 30, died from diabetic shock. Ruling: Natural.

I was certain she died of Tila TequilAIDS.

Wait a minute… don’t celebrity toxicology reports always come in threes?

Cindy Adams chats with Valerie Harper about her role in Looped, a one-woman show about the life of Tallulah Bankhead. Cindy refers to Tallulah as “the ’50s and ’60s way way way over-the-top movies legend who’d do underwearless cartwheels in a skirt or hit a party stark naked.” That sounded weird to me (that she was big in the ’50s and ’60s), so I checked Wikipedia.

Sure enough, she began her career in the ’20s and starred in films (on and off) up through the ’50s (“her career slowed in the mid-’50s”). I also found this nice phrase: “[Tallulah] was a party favorite for outlandish stunts such as underwearless cartwheels in a skirt or entering a soirée stark naked.” (citation needed)

Cindy Adams is plagiarizing Wikipedia?!? Who knew she could operate a computer?

Box.

Deborah Scroggins is suing Renee and Valerie Scroggins (her sisters) for royalties she claims she’s owed from their old group “ESG (Emerald, Saffire and Gold).”

A search online only shows me a group called ESG (Emerald Sapphire and Gold). Does the Post seriously not know how to spell Sapphire?

Celebrity Super Bowl Predictions:

Christopher Knight (Peter Brady on The Brady Bunch): “New Orleans by 1. The voodoo being brewed in the bayou will be too much for Peyton. That and Reggie Bush being well schooled by Kim [Kardashian] on going wide to get outta the room!”

Penn & Teller: “Indianapolis, 35-31.” (*which is exactly what I predicted 3 days ago, though I failed to identify the winner, which I agree will be Indy)

Maya Angelou: “Indianapolis, 28-16. Sadly, I must inform the New Orleans Saints that I will not be in that number. I plan to be with the other team when the Colts go marching in.”

Yes, the Post asked Maya Angelou for a Super Bowl prediction.

A Chinese woman whose boyfriend of 18 months dumped her is getting plastic surgery in the hopes of winning him back.

He had built shrines (that’s plural, kids) to “actress” Jessica Alba, so that’s who his ex-girlfriend is telling surgeons she wants to look like.

However did these people wind up owning our country?

Citigroup stock goes down for the first time in many days. It dropped $0.19/share to $3.18.

MOVIE REVIEWS

Lou Lumenick gives Dear John one star (“Nothing to write home about,” “‘Dear’ & loathing” and “Put in dead letter file”), Falling Awake gets one star (“Falling Asleep might be a more appropriate title”) and Frozen gets one and a half stars (“Icy premise slaloms into silliness”).

V.A. Musetto gives the Red Riding Trilogy two stars (“I suggest you watch it at home, so you will be closer to the toilet when the killer gives cops the sickening details of one particular murder.”), probably due to the film’s lack of naked Asians.

Kyle Smith gives two and a half stars to District 13: Ultimatum (“The best Parisian action movie of the week”), another two and a half stars to Eyes Wide Open (“A sort of Brokeback Menachem“) and one single star to From Paris With Love (“Asked how many more E-Z Slay villains he expects to present themselves for moving down, Travolta says, ‘My sense? About a billion.’”).

Hmmm… that quote sounds familiar… though different… did I see it in the New York Press? Nope, Armond White said that the two male leads “bond over chess and guns, strategy and violence—a more informed quintessence of war than The Hurt Locker“ and called the movie “politically aware filmmaking—without the sanctimoniousness of Syriana, United 93 or The Messenger.” So it must have been the Village Voice… ah. Here it is, in a review by Nick Pinkerton: “(Blazing through a Chinese drug den: ‘How many more of them you think there are?’ ‘Last census? About a billion.’)”

Gee, Kyle. Way to remove the context of the (admittedly weak) joke and also change the words and then use it as an example of a bad joke. It’s like you’re talking politics!

Jim Thome is now a Minnesota Twin.

I almost never read Peter Vecsey’s column (HOOP DU JOUR), as I don’t care about basketball. But he was talking about Arenas and Crittenton, so I perused it. I found this little gem: “Hell, President TelePrompter ad libs more.”

Well played, guy who looks like Bob Odenkirk in a fake beard and whose column I’ll never read again!

Page 76? A photograph of… the Post cover featuring Rex Ryan flipping the bird.

It’s like when they kept running the photo of the woman whose face was chimp-mauled, but criticized Oprah for putting it on TV.

In Ryan’s defense, though, a Fox News employee claims that the guy Ryan flipped off had yelled at Ryan on three separate occasions and also spit on Ryan just before the bird-flip.

Even so, STOP PUBLISHING THE PHOTOGRAPH.

Fun fact: One of the four finalists on The Bachelor used to date former Yankee Carl “The Great Pavumpkin” Pavano.

Pamela Anderson has signed on to the next season of Dancing With the Stars. She will be dancing with Hepatitis C.

Linda Stasi gives Temple Grandin three and a half stars.

I, on the other hand, saw the trailer and thought it was part of the opening of Tropic Thunder.

TODAY

Mayor Bloomberg gives St. Vincent’s Hospital less than six (6) months before they have to close.

They are $700,000,000 in debt and are losing between $5,000,000 and $10,000,000 a month.

Who needs health-care reform?

Gabourey Sidibe (precious as Precious in Precious) has a mother (Alice Tan Ripley) who sings in NYC subway stations (Union Square, 34th & 6th, and 42nd & 8th). She tells the Post, “People always say, ‘Why don’t you sing in clubs?’ I tell ‘em, ‘This is my club.’”

Translation: I prefer to beg for money.

“My voice is so big that it’s blown out my amp.”

Translation: Next time you see me, please give me some extra money. I’m hella-poor.

“Four years ago, they askd me to play the part of the mother [in Precious]. But being a mom and teacher, I just couldn’t play that part. It was just too hard.”

Translation: Why the fuck didn’t I take that part!?!?

Is Senate Democratic leader John Sampson going to cancel the vote on whether or not to expel Hiram Monserrate? Is he seriously going to impose sanctions on the ladydragger and nothing else?

But wait! It gets even more disgusting!

“Senate Majority Leader Pedro Espada Jr. (D-Bronx) — a Monserrate ally — plans to unveil a bill Monday that would automatically expel lawmakers convicted of such crimes in the future — but spare Monserrate.”

For the first time in a long time, I’m on the side of the Republicans who promise to make a stink if the Monserrate vote is cancelled.

Another day, another fellating of Tea Party Nation by Churley Hurt (New flavor of ‘Tea’). Still no mention of how expensive/poorly planned/for-profit the convention is/was, but we do learn that the organizers of the convention are starting their own political party that will stand up to the actual Democrats and pretend Republicans and fake Amurcans and real turrurists.

“Called the Ensuring Liberty PAC, the new operation will be aimed at whittling away at the Democratic majorities in Congress in the 2010 House and Senate races.”

Thus ensuring liberty.

(waves miniature Amurcan flag)

O on health: Failure is option is the headline.

Here’s what he actually said: “And it may be that… if Congress decides not to do [health-care reform]… then the American people can make a judgment as to whether this Congress has done the right thing for them or not. And that’s how democracy works.”

I find the Post’s interpretation of that statement to be mildly partisan. And missing the point almost entirely.

In case you somehow managed to stop throwing up, Rielle Hunter was visibly pregnant in the alleged 2006 John Edwards sex tape.

Q: How can Kirsten Gillibrand guarantee a loss at the polls?

A: Start with a joint appearance at the Harvard Club next month — with Van Jones.

Who the fuck is her campaign manager? Harold Ford Jr.?

Q: Who is last Wednesday’s dumbest criminal ever?

A: Chris Crego, 39.

He decided not to show up to his sentencing last year (he pleaded guilty to assault) and has been on the lam ever since. He was busted on Wednesday. How’d the cops catch him? He posted the name of the tattoo parlor he was working at on MySpace and Facebook.

Lockport police posted a thank you on Crego’s Facebook wall.

“It was due to your diligence in keeping us informed that now you are under arrest.”

Point: Lockport.

The Post criticizes Toyota Motor Corp. President Akio Toyoda for his bow of apology yesterday at a press conference. They say it was only a 40° bow, which (on the handy chart the Post provides) falls between “Sorry, we’re out of tuna” (25º) and “I just backed over your dog, boss” (45º).

B’also? Bowing makes you look weak. And terrorists eat that shit up with a spoon, yo.

Dominic Carter was released this week after serving 19 days of his 30-day sentence (he got time off for “good behavior”). And today we learn (through New York magazine, whose Matt Damon article Carter was ordered to read) that 13 years ago, he was arrested and charged for “hitting, choking and threatening his wife” — and “growled” at the arresting officers, “I am not your boy!”

His wife, Marilyn, believes their marriage is over (he isn’t allowed to see her for two years) and she’s fine with that – “I got tired of being his mother.”

Which means, if you read his autobiography, that his wife was physically and sexually abusing him.

Pakistan sent their ambassador to Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia refused him an audience. Why? Because his name is Akbar Zib which, in Arabic, means “biggest penis.”

The woman of Saudi Arabia have already started a petition to have him move there.

The Nets’ Quest For Five Wins continues.

Last night they lost to Boston, lowering their win percentage to 8.2% (4-45). Will they reach Five Wins after their 50th game? Stay tuned!

Joe Simpson, creepy manager (and even creepier father) of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, will produce a comedy series for Nickelodeon “loosely based” on his experience as “a psychologist raising two daughters in Texas.”

Oh, Why Is It Considered Wrong To Want To Sleep With Your Daughters? should start production in the near future.

In other Why Would Anyone Want To Watch That? news, Kirstie Alley will headline a new A & E reality show about raising her two kids as two single moms in Hollywood (wait… there’s only one of her? Yikes.). Kirstie Alley’s Big Life debuts in March.

Please don’t watch it.

That’ll do it. See you tomorrow.

Dailies

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