Archive for February 7th, 2010

The Superb Owl.

7th February
2010
written by jed

(I told you I was stealing that, Alex)

Good afternoon, America. Are you ready for the biggest sporting event of the year (to date)? Are you excited to see the one team play the other team for the title of Best Team of 2010 (or is it 2009?)? I know that I could care less, but I don’t see how. Even the commercials (which I used to look forward to) are available on YouTube come morning (heck, some are already there).

True, I feel the same way about (most) World Series games that the Yankees aren’t a part of, but I’m often baffled by folks like my father, who could watch two high school teams play bocce and wind up yelling passionately at the screen. Your team (if you have one) is one thing, but how do I choose between Indianapolis and New Orleans? Does New Orleans even want my pity vote?

I can’t wait to read about the game tomorrow (actually, I can).

The Post’s EXCLUSIVE cover story (FLOOD GATE) tells the story of a charity (New Yorkers Organized to Assist Hurricane Families or NOAH-F) — set up by State Senate President Malcolm Smith and Rep. Gregory Meeks — that raised at least $31,000 in donations for families in New Orleans (it was established in response to the devastation of Katrina)… and actually passed on $1,392 to actual hurricane families (according to tax records).

There’s a photo of the charity’s website that features photos of Meeks and Smith along with “New Yorkers Organized to assist [sic] Huricane [sic] Families” and “Bringing Help to Hurricane Katrina Survivor [sic]“ (which might have been an intentional red flag, as I think only one survivor was assisted by them) in bold type.

What would make me actually respect the NY State Democratic Party is if they took all of the folks like Smith (their State Senate President) and Espada and Monserrate (and Rangel) and stripped them of (at the very least) their special titles (pending an investigation, naturally, especially since those seem to take years and years and years — just ask Raspy Rangel). How am I supposed to take the party seriously when their highest ranking members are criminals (some convicted!)?

In other Democratic news, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand plans on proposing a budget amendment that would cut off funding for Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

I propose a criminal investigation into the amount of money allocated for DADT (if it’s more than $25), as I can’t figure out why it costs money for people not to ask a question and/or people not to answer it.

My mother is a teacher. I’ve been lucky enough to have been taught by many wonderful teachers in my lifetime. I’m pro-teacher.

The Post hates the Teachers’ Union. Passionately. In some articles (especially recently), the “rubber room” has been brought up and I have to say that (if the recent accusations against Alan Rosenfeld and Francisco Olivares are true — this is the Post) I am in total agreement with their passionate disgust.

Rosenfeld was a teacher who got banned from the classroom for “allegedly making lewd comments to and leering at girls at IS 347″ and went to a rubber room (if you’re accused of misconduct, you literally go to these district offices and do nothing — while continuing to get paid). He continues to make his $100,049/year salary, but he uses his time in the rubber room to work on his law practice (!) and his real-estate investments, which are worth almost $8,000,000 (!!).

Olivares was a math teacher when he got a 16-year-old student pregnant (they met when she was 13) and then married her. The NYC Department of Education charged him with molesting two students (each 12 years old at the time) a decade later. Four years after that, he was charged with molesting another student. He hasn’t set foot in a classroom for seven years.

He continues to make $94,154/year as he chillaxes in a rubber room.

Look. If you were an inner-city teacher and a student fabricated molestation charges against you because you failed him (or something like that), having a place to continue to earn a living while the school (or, if necessary, the court) gets around to finding you innocent of the charges would be awesome. Rubber rooms have beneficial applications, sure.

But these stories make me really angry. And, if true, I feel about the United Federation of Teachers (which won’t let these “teachers” be fired unless an arbitrator approves it — and every time they’ve been brought to arbitration, they wind up back in a rubber room) the same way I feel about the Democrats in the State Senate.

Clean your own house, please.

Woman of the century features 111-year-old Jane Gilsenan, who is New York’s oldest resident. My first thought was that the giant photo of her (slumped in a wheelchair, arms folded, wounded puppy dog face) is depressing. She looks miserable! But surely I’m misreading her expression, right?

“I have [no secrets for longevity], and I wouldn’t give them away because I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I can’t say I regret it, but I wouldn’t want to do this again.”

So that’s what Roger Daltrey m-m-m-m-m-meant.

Goodwin!

Today, he hates on Bloomberg, the United Nations and the state’s Legislature (in three separate yawners). Then he adds a teeny chunk in the lower right corner:

Honorable no-mention

“Did you notice — a whole page without my mentioning what’s-his-name? You know, the guy in the White House who is bankrupting the country and giving terrorists constitutional rights? That guy!“

Stairs.

Daniel Ignacio believes he deserves to be punished, b’also that he didn’t actually do anything.

“It must have been the Devil. It could not have been Jesus Christ.”

What about Daniel Ignacio? Might it have been him?

Roberta Feinsmith, 67, was fired from the Jewish Theological Seminary for (according to her) being too old (she’d been there for 12 years) and for complaining about her new supervisor’s “daily yelling and cursing fits” and “constant barrages of… flatulence.”

Which reminds me: Come see my new improv team, Constant Barrages of… Flatulence, at the Parkside Lounge next weekend! We have a new form called The Poot!

JWoww is getting (another) boob-job.

Thanks, Page Six (today on page 12)!

I guess MTV can just make out her Season Two paychecks to Dr. Stephen Greenberg, thus cutting out the middleguidette.

Cindy Adams is still not dead. To celebrate, today she complains about airports.

“And thanks to Obama you now have to schlep little four-ounce containers of everything.”

Really, Cindy? Obama did that?

Box.

A 21-year-old in Milwaukee though it’d be funny to put on a ski mask and pretend to be a burglar. You know, spook his mom a little.

His 37-year-old mother fell for it. And shot him with a .357 (he’s OK, except for the stupidity).

Hossenpheff Incorporated.

Have you seen Palin at the Tea Party Convention? I mean, the fact that she consistently makes fun of Obama for using a TelePrompter, but had to write “Energy” and “Budget Tax cuts” and “Lift American spirits” on her hand (for a Q & A sesssion! Not even for a speech! People asked her [obviously prepared] questions and she couldn’t memorize her answers or listen and respond like a (not retarded) human being would; she waited for their mouths to stop moving, looked at her hand and delivered a mini-monolgue) is hilarious in its hypocrisy. Just like her defense of Rush Limbaugh for calling a group of (not retarded) people “retards” while calling for Rahm Emanuel’s resignation because he called a bunch of (not retarded) people “fucking retards.”

But Churley Hurt doesn’t talk about those things. No no no. Today’s think piece (Sarah’s Tea talk sounds presidential) focuses instead on how smart she is (?) and how candidate-like her speech was (despite her quitting her gubernatorial gig last year for millions in book sales and Fox News contracts) and how “attractive” she is (yeech).

“All she had to do was show up, give her trademark wink and a powerful current of emotion would have passed from her to the crowd of conservatives gathered here. But in a 40-minute, remarkably detailed speech, Palin laid out what could only be described as the framework of a presidential-campaign platform. She ran through a host of specifics about recent failures of national-security and economic policies. And she wrapped it up in a heavy sheen of good political rhetoric.”

Want an example of her remarkably detailed platform framework?

“We need a commander-in-chief, not a professor of law.”

If you are a fan of Sarah Palin, you are a champion of stupidity — literally.

’specially you, Churley.

NYPD captains doctored statistics to make their precincts look less crime-ridden to CompStat?

What’s next? Hamsterdam?

Online, Kyle Smith’s latest work is titled Political correctness gone mad, but in the paper it’s titled A ‘retarded’ fight.

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

Smith explains why Sarah Palin was wrong to attack Emanuel for his use of the word “retarded.” But what he doesn’t mention is the fat drug addict whose name rhymes with Brush Limbaugh, or how every Republican (Palin included!) feels the need to kiss his ring at every opportunity.

Fair, balanced.

In today’s vague Harris poll (when was it conducted? who was asked the question? how many responded? where did it take place?), the question is Who is your favorite movie star?

1) Clint Eastwood, 2) Johnny Depp, 3) Denzel Washington, 4) Sandra Bullock, 5) Tom Hanks, 6) George Clooney, 7) John Wayne, 8) Meryl Streep, 9) Morgan Freeman, 10) Julia Roberts.

This question has been asked every year for 15 years (possibly including 2009 or 2010, but I have no way of knowing) and John Wayne always makes the list.

(waves miniature American flag)

Nice 2-page article (Hey, I’m dyin oveh heah! Why the Noo Yawk accent is fading away) on how the classic NYC-speak (think Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver) is disappearing. I remember when I moved to Chicago and told people I was from New York, they always asked me where my accent was.

By my second year there, I stopped responding by stabbing them.

Mmmmmmmm, that’s good editing!

Fool’s gold offers some tips from William Poundstone’s new book, Priceless: The Myth of Fair Value (and How to Take Advantage of It), including: “Shoppers moving clockwise through a supermarket spend about $2 more per trip than those moving clockwise.”

Lori Gottlieb has a new book out called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I thought, “Boy, her husband must be thrilled.”

Fun fact: Lori Gottlieb has never married and currently isn’t seeing anyone. But she does have at least one child.

And thus concludes my case for not buying her book.

Kyle Smith describes Benicio Del Toro’s titular character in The Wolfman as “Monchichi on a meth binge,” which perfectly showcases how he’d rather say something wittily snarky than offer legitimate criticism (the makeup in the movie is rock solid and people on meth binges have missing teeth and acne).

(gets back into glass house)

V.A. Musetto’s Pretty ugly focuses (primarily) on the South Korean film, Beautiful. It begins, “She’s too sexy for her own good. Eun-yeong, the focus of Beautiful (2008), is an attractive woman in South Korea who keeps getting hit on by guys. Perhaps it is the way her short skirts accentuate her long legs.”

You can practically hear him masturbating as he wrote this.

Bonus points: There is at least one rape scene, according to IMDB.

ASK ASHLEY!

With Valentine’s Day coming, what would be the appropriate gift for a lady you had interest in many years ago and have now reconnected with on the Internet? It’s early in the communication phase — just e-mails, phone calls and discussion of a visit. What gift won’t turn her off? — Jerry B., 58, Boston

ASHLEY: “What girl doesn’t love flowers on Valentine’s Day? You don’t necessarily have to be dating to send flowers. A friend of mine who I’ve known for a very long time always sends me this big beautiful flower arrangement just to let me know he’s thinking of me.”

ME: “A picture of your testicles with googly-eyes taped to them. Or a Yankees hat.”

I had a stroke at the age of 9 and lost the ability to walk and talk. Although I was told I’d never regain either, I was walking within a month. Talking on the other hand, didn’t happen. Knowing this, do you think it’s possible for me to find a good woman regardless of my limitations? I’ve had several girlfriends, but none for more than five months. — Dave K., 35

ASHLEY: “The best dating advice that I can give you is to be yourself. Sure, you have limitations, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have charm, wit and all of your body parts and senses. That said, because of your limitations, you have to work hard to perfect these other qualities. Be fantastic in bed, and charming with the pen… Because of my past, I also find it challenging to meet and trust new guys. But I know I’m going to end up with a husband who loves me exactly as I am and thinks that all of my imperfections make me perfect.”

ME: “‘Be fantastic in bed and charming with the pen’ is great advice. Might I add ‘cure cancer, emit super-aphrodisiac pheromones and be tall’ to the list? Also, you’ll find a woman who loves you despite your difficulties waaaay sooner than Ashley Dupre’ll find a man who thinks her whore past makes her ‘perfect.’”

How do I deal with a guy who’s addicted to sex? He goes online for cybersex and has asked me to join him for threesomes and swinging parties. I don’t know what to say to him. — Lisa, 29, Midtown

ASHLEY: “You never know until you try.”

ME: “That’s a great question, Lisa. It reminds me of this store I walk by almost every day. They sell children’s shoes. I don’t have any children, so I don’t really need the shoes, but I see all of these people buying them and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I mean, how do I deal with a store that sells children’s shoes? It’s so baffling. Maybe I could sleep with your ‘guy’ and you could buy some children’s shoes?”

Where’s Warren Sapp? It’s Superb Owl Day!

Oh. He got arrested for domestic battery. Never mind.

The Quest For Five Wins continues into Tuesday when the Nets face Cleveland. They lost last night to Detroit. They are now 1-26 on the road (they’ve lost their last 14 road games).

They are now 4-46 (8.0%).

Key-ripes.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, kids!

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