Archive for February 12th, 2010

Some somber stories from yesterday:

Fashion designer Alexander McQueen committed suicide.

Bill Clinton had two stents inserted into one of his arteries.

Billboard rated Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” as the sexiest song of all time.

Alec Baldwin’s daughter called 911 and told them her father tried to overdose on pills (though he had just taken an Ambien and now he’s blaming Kim Basinger for convincing their daughter to call 911 and embarrass him less than a month before the Oscars).

All of these stories are, to some degree, tragedies. But the one story in today’s paper that came closest to making me cry was the page 3 piece on what happened to Loretta Long, 71, on Tuesday night (How not to get to Sesame Street).

Loretta (“Susan” on Sesame Street for over 40 years, hence the grating title of the article) was hit by a car as she walked across Route 130 in East Windsor Township, New Jersey. Susan woke up in an ambulance with a fractured leg and head injuries, but she says she’ll be OK.

Get well soon, Loretta. And thanks again for helping me learn while my mom cooked.

---

Over two-thirds of the 400 New York City residents that BrickUnderground.com polled say they regularly hear their neighbors “doing it,” but only 14% say they’ve actually complained to the neighbors or the building management.

Polls are fantastic.

---

“A judge could rule as early as next week whether the state Senate had the power to boot Hiram Monserrate.”

Don’t you dare fuck this up, Judge William Pauley III.

---

The West Yorkshire Police in England have charged a 33-year-old woman with stabbing a man in the eye with her stiletto heel. They had both been in a cab when they started arguing and she kicked him. In the eye. With her stiletto heel.

Somehow, the man is in stable condition. The woman, however, is profoundly unstable.

---

There was an explosion in Chelsea yesterday morning when an underground Con Ed transformer burst into flames, sending an “eight-story fireball” into the air at 645 Sixth Avenue (on the corner of West 20th Street).

No one was hurt — luckily the closest store was a Radio Shack (641 A Sixth Avenue).

Con Ed does fine work. So glad they’re raising their rates every year for (at least) the next three years.

---

HA!

On Page Six (today on page 12), there’s this hilarious cartoon of Al Gore shoveling snow in front of the “Global Warming Institute” (which is closed) and he’s cursing and the title of the cartoon is an inconvenient truth 2!

The cartoon’s right. If global warming was real, there would never be cold! Al Gore is a liar.

---

Dennis Hopper has been granted a restraining order against his current wife.

This is going to be an awkward Valentine’s Day.

---

Q: Why Did Kurt Cobain commit suicide?

A:

---

Lindsay Lohan was going to get $150,000 to go to the Vienna Opera Ball with an old billionaire and hang out for a few hours. Sadly, she missed her flight because she was shopping.

Remember when she made movies for a living? Me neither.

---

Is Cindy Adams whoring herself out for a bagel?

“Sunday’s Valentine’s Day. Take your beloved to lunch. If you’re belovedless, take somebody else. Anybody. With a fresh bagel and cream cheese, you could even get me.”

I just imagined Cindy Adams eating a bagel and cream cheese and I can’t stop dry heaving.

---

Has Iran made a giant leap forward in uranium enrichment?

No. They’re bluffing. That’s why they “disconnected” from Google and other various Internet services.

If Iran had a big bad weapon, you think they’d hide it from their enemies? Or would they wave it around like a tough guy?

---

Rachael Ray’s pit bull bit the ear off of another dog on February 1st.

Will he have to be put to sleep by the authorities?

And will they put Rachael Ray to sleep, too? Please?

---

Shouting For Huey Meat and Two Veg (sorry, Ralph Peters) insists that Iran now has nuclear missiles and they will use them sooner rather than later.

Gee, I hope this doesn’t hurt sales of Ralph’s new book, Endless War, which is currently available for pre-order.

---

People writing in to defend Sarah Palin? But of course!

“If she had used a piece of paper, [Robert Gibbs] wouldn’t have had anything to say, and it was a mere six words used as a reminder,” says the dim Maureen Parker of Brooklyn, who later spells TelePrompter wrong.

Steve Becker of East Meadow has decided to start his own completely baseless rumor about Palin, also spelling TelePrompter wrong. “Palin’s teleprompter went out once during the run-up to the election, and she completed the speech without incident, because she had it memorized.” And then this one time? She solved the country’s job crisis? But the fatcats and Marxists wouldn’t let her fix it?

And Joseph O’Keefe of Manhattan incorrecty insists that “If Palin were a Democrat, the liberal media would love her.”

Uh… if she were a Democrat, she would believe the polar opposite of every part of her current platform and she probably wouldn’t use God as as much of a crutch as she currently does, you betcha.

---

Bill O’Reilly writes about his “special Valentine” who is a 10-year-old girl that I’m fairly certain Bill made up (My Wired Valentine). Excerpts don’t do this rambling indictment of the nation’s children justice, so read the whole thing here (though it’s called My Special Valentine on his website).

---

Movie Reviews!

Kyle Smith gives The Wolfman two and a half stars (“Wolfman not big or bad enough”) and calls the titular character “this Chia Pet Incredible Hulk.”

Lou Lumenick gives Valentine’s Day zero stars (“Heart-shaped pox”), and two stars to Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (“More myths than hits in ungodly Greek stew”).

---

Evander Holyfield’s wife took out a restraining order against her husband, claiming that he hit her several times.

This is going to be an awkward Valentine’s Day.

---

The New York Giants have let Antonio Pierce go.

They just keep making it easier for me to never care about them again! Thanks, Big Blue!

---

Three-day weekend! Yayz!

Stay warm, peeps.