Archive for February 15th, 2010

Two reasons for the title: Firstly, it’s a thing that’s twice as big as usual and it’s written by what passes these days for a man. The second entendre is based on the fact that Marvel Comics used to put out extra-large issues of their most popular books with names like Giant-Size Hulk and Giant-Size Daredevil. The comic book community’s answer to phone pranks (“Is your refrigerator running?” “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”) when I was a teenager was “Do you have a Giant-Size Man-Thing?” or variations thereof. And lest you think that such a foolishly-named thing could exist…

It ran for five issues.

SUNDAY

TALISLAM! is today’s headline, see, because we had one o’ them “surges” in Afghanistan. 15,000 troops. Surely this is the beginning of the end of the Taliban, right?

Right?

Page 2’s EXCLUSIVE (Germs on run from sure-handed cops) reveals (for the first time anywhere!) that NYPD officers will now have a small bottle of hand sanitizer clipped to their already-16-pound belts. You know, for safety!

How did the other papers get scooped on this??1?

Joel Klein estimates that the city paid $30,000,000 last year to “teachers” in “rubber rooms.”

Six of those “teachers” account for $540,000 of that. We already know about Alan Rosenfeld ($100,049) and Francisco Olivares ($94,145), but today we learn about George Addison ($80,695), who allegedly “shoved his hand down the pants of a 15-year-old special-ed student” in 2003 (the case was ultimately dismissed but he never went back to teaching); Aryeh Eller ($85,426), who “admitted to making lewd comments,” but an arbitrater pointed out that he was not informed of his rights — which is why he’s been in a rubber room since 2003; and Radharaman Upadhyaya ($102, 852), who was suspended for three days after being accused of “fondling a learning disabled student at his home.” Luckily for him, a witness was found “not credible” and he ended up in a rubber room, where he’s remained since 2003. The sixth guy, Wayne Miller ($78,039), was accused of sexually assauting a child, but the victim recanted their allegation and he’s been in a rubber room since 2002.

That $1,000,000 is spent on these people is grotesque. But $30,000,000? A year? While schools are closing?

So aggravating.

AccuWeather (which hasn’t been accurate at all in 2010) predicts “up to six more inches of snow… between [Monday] night and Tuesday morning.”

So look for some snow on Wednesday.

Michael Goodwin is such a tool. He makes fun of the integrity of the New York Times because they put (what Goodwin calls) spin on a news story (they said Obama was doing better than the GOP in the polls — WHICH HE IS — but they waited “more than 250 words” before revealing that Obama’s disapproval rating is up). Which is kind of like a McDonald’s employee complaining about how Wendy’s employees sell unhealthy food. And does Goodwin offer any of his patented insight on how Obama is doing?

“President Obama has lost the country.”

“He throws money at every problem despite public fury at the mountain of debt he’s creating.”

Thank God for Goodwin. At least he doesn’t resort to history-rewriting spin and partisan bullshit!

If you follow local politics and aren’t throwing up, you’re doing it wrong.

NOAH-F raised money for Katrina victims, but never got around to giving out that money.

Americans for Global and Domestic Peace was formed in 2002 and created New York’s Tsunami Relief Fund in 2005. NYTRF raised “more than $200,000″ for victims of the tsunami. But according to tax records, they only raised (and spent) $10,000.

Gregory Meeks is on that board. Hiram Monserrate was a co-chairman of the fund.

I would very much like a law-enforcement agency to investigate this and put all of the guilty parties in prison for the rest of their lives.

“With the coldest winter ever recorded, with snow setting record levels up and down the coast, the Nobel committee should take the Nobel Prize back from Al Gore.”

That’s Donald Trump reminding everyone that he doesn’t understand the concept of global warming.

Flavor Flav owes over $63,000 in back child support.

Woooooooooooooooooow.

Officer Raphael Ospina, 27! Had two passengers in his vehicle! He clipped a garbage truck, jumped a curb and hit a tree, a garbage can and the front of Tiffany’s. The three occupants of the car had to be cut out. One passenger broke his arm in three places, the other required surgery on his back. Ospina has been suspended for 30 days without pay and charged with “DWI and one count of vehicular assault.”

Aren’t cops who drive drunk hilarious?

Cindy Adams talks about love.

“Kenny Loggins met nurse Julia when she was hired to give him a high colonic. Kate Capshaw on husband S. Spielberg: ‘What attracted me was that he smelled like a newborn baby.’”

Box.

A Gallup poll (with no details beyond that) claims that the percentage of adults who says they’re “satisfied with their standard of living” is greatest in North Dakota (82.3%), South Dakota (80.8%), Alaska (80.4%), Minnesota (79.4%) and Iowa (79.0%). New York had a 72.5% and Nevada placed dead last with 69%.

So, if I lower my living standards to Dakotan levels, I’ll be a happier person?

A Fox News poll (which is kind of like “military intelligence” and “jumbo shrimp”) claims 61% of Americans are in favor of repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and 30% are opposed.

Interesting how their numbers don’t jibe with the numbers that every other poll is reporting (at least 75% for, less than 20% against).

Google Buzz sounds awful. Glad I never insalled it.

“I had been presented — for no right reason — all these design opportunities. They were crazy ones that I had absolutely no business even pondering… I can’t sketch, I can’t drape.”

That’s Sarah Jessica Parker in May of 2007.

In January of 2010, she became the president and creative director of Halston.

For no right reason.

Ashley Dupre’s column is boring this week. And not in an amusing way.

V.A. Musetto has great things to say about Air Doll, a Japanese movie about an inflatable sex doll that comes to life.

A movie featuring Asian nudity that V.A. Musetto likes? Now I’ve seen everything!

Anne’s boyfriend has low standards.

“TO MY LOVE, I L♥VE YOU, LOVE ANNE” is the message that Anne paid the Post to run in their special Valentine’s Day personals section (The Book of Love).

P.S.: Love.

Yankees trainer Gene Monahan, 65, is suffering from a “significant illness that possibly could sideline him for the beginning of the regular season.”

Gene is the longest-tenured head athletic coach in the major leagues and will be missing his first spring training in 48 years.

Get well soon, Gene.

TODAY

According to today’s front-page story (TIGER BABY SHOCK), Joslyn James, porn star and mistress of Tiger Woods (in that order), claims that she and Woods never used protection and that he got her pregnant twice (the first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, the second became an abortion). Woods’ wife was reportedly pregnant during both of James’ alleged Woods-inflicted pregnancies.

The fact that Woods never used protection with a porn star (and, I’d imagine, the rest of his stable) leads me to believe that he has some diseases (besides sex addiction).

Joe Biden and Dick Cheney are going back and forth with the insults.

(waves miniature American flag)

How is this legal?

“Governor” Paterson announced that he’d make public all of the documents connected to the bidding process for the Aqueduct racino. Nice.

Then he told the folks who bid that they would have the right to “black out” (through redaction) any “controversial or revealing information” first.

Somewhere, Andrew Cuomo is laughing really hard.

AccuWeather? More like Redact-uWeather!

Now it’s one to three inches sometime after 4:00 p.m. tonight.

Thus disproving global warming.

Further proof that Justin Grace is mad lucky: José Juarez, 16, was spraying graffiti at the Kings Highway station on Saturday night when he got hit by an N train. He lost his right leg.

Further further proof that Justin Grace is luckier than José Juarez: I will not be bringing José any donut holes.

Mandrea!

She laments that “fashion ain’t what it used to be” (Fashion is dead in New York — here’s the proof!) and refers to a pair of spectacles as “Elvis Costello glasses” (despite their not looking anything like the singer’s trademark eyewear). She also mentions that she ate a lot of foie gras (“up yours, PETA!”) and that she snuck into the VIP area, despite being violently unattractive.

Not wanting Donald Trump to be the only person trumpeting their ignorance on climate change, Andrea also pens ‘Climate’ credibility cooling off, which I will reprint for you in its entirety:

“The forecast for planet Earth this winter calls for an extra dose of rain, snow, sleet, ice and pestilence. But according to confounded warmingologists, this actually proves Al Gore right! Throw away that shovel and buy a bikini. Those who pray at the altar of global cooking once said unusual heat was a sign of climate change. Now, warming cultists hold up ice and snow and freezing rain as proof-positive that, any day now, we’ll be living all year in a Miami August.

Until they make up their minds, I’m hanging on to my snow boots.”

She also attacks Alec Baldwin, Hiram Monserrate and Presidents Day, but how can you top that last piece?

One of the three finalists (who used to date Carl Pavano) on the current season of The Bachelor has been dating someone “on-and-off for two years.”

“We had dinner at Phillipe the other night,” says the alleged boyfriend of the “reality” show contestant.