Archive for February 18th, 2010

Smell Like Cindy Adams — Without Being 107!

18th February
2010
written by jed

Warning: Tiger on the loose

LOCK UP THE WAITRESSES!

Sorry serial tomcat finally ending silence

Apparently, Tiger Woods is holding a press conference tomorrow where he’ll apologize to his fans (and, hopefully, his wife and kids) and announce his unretirement. The front page calls him “Tubby Tiger” (he’s gained, what, five pounds?) and the follow-up on pages 4 and 5 call him “surprisingly pudgy,” “arrogant,” a “control freak” who “hates the press,” and “awful.”

So the most important thing that happened yesterday was the announcement that Tiger Woods will be having a brief press conference tomorrow.

Good to know.

Now that fare hikes, paratransit reductions/eliminations and doing away with free student fares have all been put on the table, the MTA is now considering “a series of cost savings and administrative-position cuts — to show riders facing severe service reductions that the agency, too, is getting hammered by the budget.”

Like that nice lady who sleeps with Dame Paul McCartney in Europe instead of attending board meetings in Manhattan?

If the MTA discovered the cure for cancer and AIDS toorrow, I would still hate them with a fiery passion.

“Governor” Paterson has been getting “counsel” on his re-election bid from an old friend: Eliot Spitzer.

“OK, Dave. Two things. First off, stay away from Ashley Dupre. Second, stay away from Ashley Dupre. Questions?”

Page 3 offers Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto’s critique of the sushi being sold at Duane Reade (SUSHI PRO: FISH ‘PHARM’ WRONG Rx).

SPOILER: He didn’t like it very much.

One of the people that answers the Post’s question “Why are you angry at Washington?” is Terry Keley, 50, of Manhattan. “Our problems are far too great to be handled by a bunch of clowns, but that’s exactly what’s happening.”

Terry’s profession? He’s a banker.

Stairs.

Current frontrunner for Evan Bayh’s seat?

John Cougar Mellencamp.

Place to send your cantaloupe and honeydew for the summer?

John Cougar Melon Camp.

Churlie Hurt returns with ‘We understand why they’re angry… We get it.’ Biden finally admits: Congress ‘is broken’ — which begins “Oh, now they get it!”

And does he credit both parties with Congress’ current state of affairs? Or does he put the bame squarely on the Democrats?

What do you think?

Mandrea!

Stomp out subway heels takes the side of the po-po in the tale of the 17-year-old who got a ticket for putting his feet on the edge of a seat in an otherwise-empty car (“The cop shouldn’t back down on this one.”); Tragic but just takes the side of the po-po in the Sean Bell shooting death; but it’s City not sitting pretty that wastes the most ink — Mandrea is angry about the pedestrian plazas in Midtown because they’re “turning this city into a suburban shopping mall” for “wide-bodied tourists, Gauloise-sucking posers and men who carry their worldly possessions in plastic bags.”

Does she mean drug dealers? Does even she know what she means anymore?

Cindy Adams mentions that she once had a fragrance on the market. A quick trip to Google Images reveals this:

gossip by cindy adams

I bet it smells like witch hazel and the defiance of time.

Page 20 heralds the capture of a “Second Taliban bigshot” that we “bagged” (Second Taliban bigshot bagged).

Right next to the article about the Greyhound bus that was stolen in Manhattan and then found in Queens.

What a fantastic newspaper (SarcMark).

Is Simon Cowell getting married to an American Idol makeup artist?

Possibly!

Is Burger King going to start selling Starbucks coffee?

Yes!

In Why Populist Palin Will Never Be Prez, George F. Will complains that Sarah Palin “has been subjected to such irrational vituperation — loathing largely born of snobbery,” which I find hilarious. Who but a snob would use vituperation in a sentence?

Walgreen is buying Duane Reade for $1,080,000,000.

Of course, that offer was made before they found out that Duane Reade’s sushi isn’t very good.

By three points, the Nets lost last night — making them 5-49.

The Search For Six Wins continues!

Fun fact: The most consecutive wins the Nets have this season is 1 — they still haven’t won two games in a row.

Apparently there were some trades in the NBA and the Olympics are going on. I remain uncaring.

On tonight’s episode of The Sarah Silverman Program., “Sarah sues Home Alone for influencing her to accidentally murder her neighbor.”

Yes, please.

And that’s Thursday.

Stay warm and stop by again on the morrow.

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