Archive for February 19th, 2010

Late City Final.

19th February
2010
written by jed

Sorry, peeps. Thought I had a 12:30 rehearsal that was actually at 2:00. It is 5:13 and I am returned, highlighted paper in tow, and I will now deliver what you have come to expect (rightly) by lunchtime. Forgiveness, please.

KAMIKAZE ATTAX!

Fed-up madman crashes plane into IRS building

“Taxman-hating Joseph Stack” wrote an e-suicide note, set his house on fire and flew a plane into an IRS office in Austin, Texas.

“I know I’m hardly the first one to decide I have had all I can stand … I have just had enough … Violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer,” he wrote crazily in his crazy suicide posting.

Not only is he crazy, he is cuh-razily crazy. If you take just one thing away from the Post’s coverage of this story (which follows two pages of Tiger Woods news), let it be that this guy was crazy and a loner. Do not — under any circumstances look into his political affiliations. It’s not like the guy’s name was Muhammed, after all.

It has no relation to any of the recent calls for a literal revolution in this country. No connection to any elected Republican officials speak of loading weapons for to take back the gub’mint. Nothing to see here. Move along.

And what could possibly precede the domestic terrorist disgruntled nutcase acting alone? Tiger Woods’ wife was wearing Nike sneakers, a Nike do-rag and a Nike sweatshirt, “[sending] a clear signal yesterday she’s standing by her man.”

Oh, and Ernie Els said of Tiger’s press conference today, “It’s selfish. You can write that.”

I just did.

You remember those bricks that fell onto the 1 line in August? The ones formerly in the ceiling of the 181st Street station? Guess how much the MTA estimates the repair will cost. Go on, guess.

“At least $17,500,000.”

War criminals, right? Blatantly laughing in your face while they commit more crimes that you pay for.

Fun facts!

* Hiram Monserrate succesfully sued the NYPD (he was a cop at the time) for creating a hostile work environment for minority officers.

* In 2000, he left the force (after 12 years) “on a psychological disability after filing a doctor’s report that said he suffered from anxiety and depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.”

* He has failed to appear at any of his three court-ordered counseling sessions.

* He spent six hours at a Salvation Army office (all in one afternoon), bringing the total amount of court-ordered community service he has performed to six hours (he was sentenced to 250 hours).

* For his (in)actions, a judge could sentence Monserrate to up to one year in prison.

* Monserrate’s lawyer (Joseph Taco Penis) counters, “the senator has been compliant with his probation conditions” (despite Monserrate no longer being a senator and also the fact that he hasn’t been compliant with his probation conditions).

Pages 8 and 9 cover Bernie Kerik’s 4-year sentence, with page 8 being a Cindy Adams EXCLUSIVE.

(spit take)

That’s right. She went to the Kerik home to have “veal Milanese, pasta with shrimp, Mediterranean salad” and relay the tired kvetching of the bald criminal and his wife to me (joy).

Maybe this means she won’t have a column today!

Bristol Palin is trying to subpoena Playgirl magazine in order to find out if Levi’s (the fertile idiot, not the pants) been holding out on her.

Drill, baby, drill!

Churlie Hurt is on fire! It seems like every day he has some new über-partisan vitriol to vomit onto my eyes!

From ‘hope & change’ to ‘duck & cover’ begins thusly: “Curling up into the fetal position and begging others to do what he does not have the guts to do himself,  President Obama yesterday issued an executive order establishing the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform.”

But my totes fave part comes three paragraphs later: “

Then, proving he has completely lost touch with reality and with voters, Obama used six commemorative pens to sign the disgraceful admission that all his promises of hope and change in Washington have been an absolute failure.

“‘And this is the pen I used to admit that I lied during my entire presidential campaign about being an adult and willing to make hard decisions and then farmed out the responsibilities of the federal government to unelected people who aren’t desperate like me and all my friends in Congress to stay in office,’ he should one day tell his grandchildren when they get home from school where they learn the Chinese language and proper Taliban etiquette on the soccer field.”

He’s the Post’s D.C. Bureau Chief.

And a bag of douche.

I just want to point out that I was pretty sure that the store was called Walgreens and not Walgreen, but I foolishly trusted the Post to get the name of the company they were writing an article about right.

But then, look at their D.C. Bureau Chief.

According to the Post, Mitt Romney said the following at the C-PAC conference: “If these liberal monarchists succeed, they would kill the very spirit that has built the nation.”

But I’m pretty sure he said “bilked” and not “built.”

P.S. — Just to be clear, I’m a Socialist, a Marxist, a Communist, a Nazi and now I’m also a monarchist? I think the Tea Party got a hold of a sixth grader’s vocabulary list and is just going down the list (“these liberal oligarchists with their fawning over triumvirates are ruining our once-great nation.”)

According to Page Six (today on page 14), Brangelina are staging family photos “like a military operation” in order to fool the world into thinking they aren’t separating.

They also wanted you to know that Pamela Anderson said “I really don’t love my body.”

“Which,” she continued, “is why I gave it hepatitis C.”

Lisa Rinna, who has freakishly surgically-altered lips, said of the People magazine cover that Heidi Montag (who has surgically-altered everything) was on, “I had to take that cover off the magazine before it came in the house” because it disturbed her so.

Rinna just posted on Twitter, “I apologize to Miss Montag if my words were taken and used against her in the press. I did not slam her or her surgeries for the record.”

For the record, I find both of these people disturbing.

Of the 11 firemen who beat up those civilians at The Salty Dog, one was a captain and one was a lieutenant (Fire brawlers face raps). Prosecutors are currently considering bringing “gang-assault charges” against all of them, however, “some prosecutors are concerned that a gang-assault rap might lead to expectations of identical charges in future cases.”

Which would be a shame — imagine if you had to bring those charges against every gathering of firemen that beat up civilians in a bar!

More comical mix-ups with the 911 operators!

A woman called 911 to report that her 6-year-old son was in cardiac arrest.

And off to 277 Avenue C went the firefighters and medics.

But when they got to 277 Avenue C, the mother and child were nowhere to be found.

“I think I’ve solved the mystery, Sally,” Encyclopedia Brown chuckled.

“No way,” huffed Bugs Meany.

“Not only have I deduced the answer to this puzzle,” Encyclopedia shot back with a grimace, “but I also know about what you and Spike and Duke and Rocky do to each other’s balls.”

HAVE YOU SOLVED THE MYSTERY OF THE DISAPEARRING CARDIAC ARREST?

That’s right. They went to the Avenue C in Brooklyn, but the 6-year-old was in Manhattan.

Now he’s in Heaven.

According to a report filed last night, “Several soldiers assigned to an Arabic-translation unit at a South Carolina Army base are being investigated for plotting to poison the food supply there.”

Wait… there’s a South Carolina Army?

(packs, moves to Argentina)

Nathan Lewis, 21, of Idaho, was arrested on his wedding night after he punched his bride at the reception. He was released a few hours later and he went home. And hit his wife. And got arrested again.

I think they should start seeing other people.

Crystal Mangum, 31!

That’s the nice lady who publically accused three Duke lacrosse players of brutally raping her (despite that never actually happening). Her 9-year-old daughter called 911 and when the cops arrived, they found Crystal screaming “I’m going to stab you, [expletive]!” at her boyfriend, Milton Walker.

She faces a bunch of charges, including attempted murder.

Enjoy prison, Crystal!

The Lower Merion School District provides its students with laptops that they can take home and work on. A family of one student is now suing them because they claim the Web cams in the laptops were “used to spy on students at home, catching them and their families in compromising situations.”

Can you guess what city this is happening in?

I’ll give you a hint: It’s the worst city ever.

That’s right, kids, it’s Philadelphia!

(something about not looking a gift laptop in the Web cam)

Hey, Rich “Churlie Hurt Jr.” Lowry! Put the bad taste back in my mouth with the title and sub-title of your opinion piece!

Nothing’s Broken

The system’s not the problem

Much obliged!

Bill O’Reilly warns Obama that he is heading towards a fate similar to Ah-nuld’s (Governator’s Lessons for O). Then he refers to San Francisco’s government as “far-left loons.” And tomorrow, he’ll feign indignation for someone calling him a name and he’ll insist that he never sinks to the level of name-calling.

And then he’ll hit on his staff (if you know what I mean).

Sirius XM stock is up 87% since January. Which reminds me of Dennis Miller’s old joke about buy-one-get-one-free sales on ugly clothing (“two of shit is still shit”).

The stock is currently at $1.13/share.

Wal-Mart reported its first-ever quarterly profit drop.

Keep up the good work, America!

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives Shutter Island three stars (“Marty’s deluxe nut assortment.”), and two stars to Happy Tears (“Nothing to cry about here”).

Kyle Smith gives Roman Polanski’s new film two stars (“The Ghost Writer is a movie about systemic lack of respect for women and the urgent need to extradite criminals.”), half a star to The Good Guy (“Needs a script bailout.”), one and a half stars to Lourdes (“It is so controlled and distant that it says nothing at all. Slowly.”) and one star to Blood Done Sign My Name (“The suggestion that a heinous killing supplied a useful lesson about racism to a little white kid is pure bathos.”).

V.A. Musetto gives Phyllis and Harold one star and The Last New Yorker two stars. Neither feature nudity (let alone Asian nudity).

At the end of the first quarter of the Raptors/Nets game, it’s 32-21 (guess who’s losing).

Real Time with Bill Maher returns tonight. Huzzah!

Have a lovely weekend, folks.

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