YESTERDAY

Of the nine (9) pages of Tiger Woods coverage (not counting the additional two pages in the sports section), here are the highlights:

“He used the word ‘I’ and its variations nearly 115 times.”

“Tiger Woods’ mom thinks thinks her son will soon be able to put his life back together.”

“‘He didn’t mention anything about the girls [he had trysts with],’ the Sicilain-born tomato told the Post.” (the tomato is former Playboy model Loredana Jolie Ferriolo)

“But he said nothing about his developing jowls.” (that’s from Mandrea, who has fully-developed jowls)

“The only two celebrities who score lower as role models are Lindsay Lohan and Kanye West.”

“When it comes to public apologies, Tiger Woods sliced this one right into the rough.”

There was plenty more, but nothing worth anyone’s time.

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A judge told Hiram Monserrate that he can’t have his job back and Bloomberg announced on his weekly radio show that he is furious at the lack of work at Ground Zero.

Good and good.

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That 911 operator pushed “the wrong button” and that’s why the firefighters and paramedics went to Brooklyn and not Manhattan.

Multi-million dollar lawsuit in 5… 4… 3…

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Michael Phelps is retiring after the 2012 Olympics.

(I sincerely doubt this)

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Werner Lippe, 68, confessed to killing his 49-year-old wife, dumping her in an oil drum and setting her on fire. He confessed three times.  Then he changed his mind.

A jury in White Plains deadlocked after four days of deliberation and a mistrial was declared.

Aren’t his words supposed to be used against him in a court of law?

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But that 20-year-old volunteer firefighter who killed a woman and her three children in a fire he set? He got convicted and faces a maximum sentence of 25 years to life.

And the 15-year-old who took his 12-year-old neighbor for a joyride, crashed the car (killing her) and ran away? He left DNA all over the car. He was just arrested. Two months after the fact.

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“Transsexual performer Rose Wood vomited on stage directly onto [Susan Sarandon].”

Thanks, Page Six (today on page 14)!

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Did you know that retired transit workers (and there are currently 15,000 of them) and their spouses get free rides on buses and subways for the rest of their lives? And it only costs the MTA $16,000,000 a year!

I hope they raise our fares again soon!

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Congressional Republicans are accusing the SEIU of working so closely with ACORN that it constitutes a “criminal conspiracy.”

They also blame ACORN for the housing crisis.

And Obama for the Kennedy assassination(s).

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Scream “Will You Buy My Buick!” In An Empty Toilet Male Reproductive Organs (sorry, Ralph Peters) insists that Iran is seconds away from destroying us all (Nuclear Countdown). His advice?

“A military response to Iran’s nuke program is a terrible idea. But, barring timely regime change in Tehran, force is the only thing that’s going to work.”

His new book, Endless War, hits stores in March. Hopefully, someone will hit Ralph before then.

Fun fact that isn’t true: The full title of the book is Endless War (and the raging hard-on I get imagining it).

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In the editorial Tiger’s Mea Culpa, the paper that spent nine (9) pages (plus two more in the sports section) ripping Tiger Woods apart proclaims, “He’s entitled to attempt to reclaim his life… All in all, we wish him well.”

No, actually, they don’t.

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Jonah Goldberg refers to Democrats (and the people who support them) as “pounding their spoons on their high chairs about the unfairness of GOP ‘obstructionism’ in the Senate.”

That’s right, Jonah. Anyone who complains about the Republicans that have held press conferences to announce that they will refuse to appoint anyone Obama nominates — regardless of the nominees or the importance of the position — must be a big baby. Not the minority party refusing to take part in any bipartisanship. They aren’t babies. It’s the Democrats who are the babies.

Stairs, Jonah. Stairs.

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Speaking of whining babies, who better to write about the new “strollers vs. slings” debate (for two full pages) than Kyle Smith? He has no baby and owns neither stroller nor sling so… they must have wanted the piece to reflect the baby’s POV?

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Where’s Pete Hammond? Is he OK?

Please call me, Pete. I’m worried.

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The Search For Six Wins continues.

The Nets lost last night, making them a 5-50 team (9.1%).

Wow.

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Jose Molina signed a one-year contract with the Toronto Blue Jays.

Farewell, Jose.

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TODAY

Rarely does the front page make me laugh. Today it did. Not because of the odd-looking woman whose two-page “I was a dominatrix in Midtown Manhattan” story will almost guarantee her a weekly column in this awful paper, but because of the other headline:

PARTY OF ONE

‘I’m running,’ sad gov says to empty room

A flip to page 5 reveals that the “empty room” had 400 people in it (“including a few dozen reporters and camera people”).

But the story on page 4 is far more interesting. Guess who has a 7% stake in AEG, the company that Paterson (possibly illegally) awarded the racino contract to. Go on, guess.

Jay-Z.

Holla.

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MLB is barring all players, coaches, team employees (anyone, really) from bringing guns into locker rooms or with them on road trips.

Which greatly lowers the Mets’ chances this year.

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Goodwin!

David’s full glass of whine offers no pity for “Governor” Paterson’s current predicament(s). All nukes are not equal explains why Israel can have nukes but Iran can’t (“This is power politics, not sharing time in preschool.”). Yo, Joe, we get your con job paints Vice President Biden as a moron (as only the blackest of pots can). But OBAMA’S DALAI GOOD DEED actually praises the POTUS for meeting with the Dalai Lama.

I guess it was only a matter of time before he slipped and said something complimentary.

I wonder if this means that Cindy Adams will say something relevant today! Or if Ashley Dupre will say something helpful/non-disease-spreading!

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Cindy’s column is all about home renovations and redecorations. She refers to her decorator as “Twinkletoes” and claims he suggested for her to “create a pony-skin rumpus room.”

This doesn’t bode well for Ashley’s column.

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Nicholas “Fat Nick” Minucci is serving a 15-year sentence for beating a Black man in the head with a baseball bat in 2005 (in Howard Beach!). Peter Braunstein is serving 18 years to life for all sorts of horrible things (he dressed up as a fireman, set a fake fire, bound and “terrorized” a former co-worker in her apartment, led police on an interstate manhunt and plenty of other fun things).

And now, they’re best friends! They even watch Gossip Girl together!

“Pete’s just a witty guy. He’s one [sic] the smartest guys I’ve ever come in contact with,” says the convicted perpetrator of a hate crime.

“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been since I’ve been in jail,” said Crazy Pete.

I wonder who the bottom is.

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The odd-looking dominatrix looks much less odd in her work clothes. And what does Melissa “Mistress Justine” Febos do nowadays?

She teaches at SUNY-Purchase and NYU (though what she teaches remains a disturbing mystery).

I wonder if her students refer to her classes as “erectives.”

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Peter Suderman is an associate editor at Reason magazine. That’s strikes one through nine.

His IT’S A TRAP (sub-head: Republicans need to stay away from the unpopular health care “summit”) is a masterpiece of idiocy. The same paper that trumpets Evan Bayh’s decision to not run again (because of what he referred to as “too much brain-dead partisanship” in the Senate) as proof that everything is the Democrats’ fault is now advocating a Republican boycott of Obama’s summit because the Republican Party has nothing to gain from it.

Do their constituents? Absofuckinglutely. But since they’d benefit from something spearheaded by Democrats, Suderman sees fit to type, “Curling is on from Vancouver on Thursday. Republicans have better things to do.”

This waste of space is actually telling the politicians on his side to stay home and watch the Olympics instead of, you know, their job. I want Republicans who threaten filibusters to actually have to actually filibuster. Then I want every Tea Partier, Birther and Palindrone to sit up in their hammocks and watch as Republicans read nonsense for hours and days and weeks instead of doing what they were elected to do.

And then fall down some stairs.

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ASK ASHLEY!

When I’m out in a social setting or even online dating, I tend to attract women I’m not attracted to. I’m a decent looking guy and I have a good personality, but for some reason, I’m not having much luck out there. What can I do to improve my game? Dating coaches and pickup artists tell us guys not to be too nice. Do you agree? — Rob, 34, Brooklyn

ASHLEY: “Get to know someone before you say that you are (or aren’t) attracted to her.”

JED: “Lower your standards.”

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have great sex — when we have it. How do I get her to help keep things alive in the bedroom? She thinks it’s 100 percent my responsibility to initiate sex. I’m getting tired of being the sole source of sexual energy. — Robert, 39

ASHLEY: “I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to always initiate sex!”

JED: “Did the whore just actually say that? My irony meter won’t stop screaming.”

I have a small, skinny penis: 4.5 inches. Recently, though, I began getting turned on by telling girls about my small penis size — even though many say it’s a disappointing fact. Oddly enough, the humiliation turns me on. Is this normal? — Mike L., 30, Manhattan

ASHLEY: “Respect women, and you’ll find one who will do what it takes to make it work in the bedroom.”

JED: “Hire a prostitute. They are contractually obligated to deal with (and not laugh at) your tiny penis.”

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Title of column: In the pink

Author: V.A. Musetto

Excerpts: “It’s always nice to discover a talented up-and-comer such as Talia Vana, star of the sensual low-budget feature Girls Night Out. Vana, who has a Christina Ricci thing going for her, plays 17-year-old blond vixen Phoebe, who seduces her girlfriend’s 12-year-old (that’s not a typo) brother during a girls’ sleepover.

I arranged to meet Vana at a West Village cafe so she could tell me all about herself.”

Creepy!

“I wondered if Vana is anything like her character?”

Super-creepy!

“At one point (in the movie), Vana strips down to hot-pink bra and panties. ‘I was the only one who took her shirt off,’ she explains without prompting from me. ‘The other girls [Liz Fye and Rachael Hess] were originally supposed to take them off too, but they refused because they said they didn’t want to be part of a man’s teenage fantasy.

‘I didn’t really feel that uncomfortable. In another movie I had a full frontal.’

That other movie, if you care, is Welcome Home the Airman in which Vana’s character, Echo, seduces yet another male.”

(Call Chris Hansen!)

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Johnny Damon, Detroit Tiger?

$8,000,000 for one year is what they’re saying (pending a physical).

Godspeed, Captain Caveman.

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And that’s all you’re getting.

Big ups to Mr. Mosley. He funny. And nice. And looks nothing like Yaphet Kotto.

G’night!