Archive for February 23rd, 2010

Auto-Tune the News #10

23rd February
2010
written by jed

Turtle fence.

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News: Leak

23rd February
2010
written by jed

“We have two stories for the front page.”

“What are they?”

“A street vendor had his license revoked because he left his cart to go to the bathroom.”

“That’s not much of a front page story. What’s the other one?”

“Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty to weapons-of-mass-destruction and terrorism charges. In a Brooklyn courtroom. He copped a plea in exchange for information about al Qaeda’s plot to blow up the NYC subway.”

“That doesn’t jibe with our whole ‘it isn’t safe/beneficial to try these guys in court’ motif. Tell you what: We’ll give Zazi less than a quarter of the page — a sidebar on the left — with the headline Queens Qaeda: My plot to bomb subways, and we’ll give Shiraj Islam a huge photo and the rest of the cover.”

“How about NUTS! ‘Pee’ brain city boots street vendor?”

“You’re an idiot.”

That’s right, kids. The major story in today’s paper is that of Mr. Islam and his emergency wee-wee.

And after wasting five minutes of my day on his tragic tale, I discover “This is a temporary suspension.”

Stop, the presses.

Meanwhile, that other pesky cover story tells me that Zazi faces life in prison (sentencing is on March 25) despite his giving up his co-conspirators. And what does Eric Holder have to say about that? Nothing. According to the Post.

Thankfully, I also read the Huffington Post, so I got to see this.

The NY Post does mention Holder, but in the In-Justice! Furor over O’s ‘Gitmo’ appointees story on page 4. Apparently, nine (9) of Obama’s appointees “had either represented or advocated for Guantanamo detainees.”

And? I mean, have no judges ever started out as defense attorneys? Should someone that defends a criminal face guilt by association? But why let common sense muddy the water. Debra Burlingame, who lost her brother on 9/11 and has made a career out of reminding us whenever she can, complains, “It’s like they’re bringing al Qaeda lawyers inside the Department of Justice.”

I honestly wonder if there were no parties — if every politician was on the same “side” (and maybe also the same color) — would people still get this worked up over nothing?

New York Communities for Change is what the Brooklyn ACORN office is re-branding itself as (ACORN shell of itself as it renames office).

The Post continues to report on James O’Keefe III’s ambush “journalism” as if it were still valid (ignoring the fact that he edited the footage to make ACORN look far far worse than it actually was — and that he admits to being a follower of Saul Alinksy).

This is a terrible newspaper.

A copy of Action Comics #1 sold for $1,000,000 yesterday.

I don’t have that one. But I do have 5 copies of Spawn #1! All in mint condition!

(crosses fingers)

The MTA is going to save $50,000,000… by firing 1,050 people.

450 of them will be station agents.

True story: Yesterday, I tried to use my MetroCard to take a train. But when I swiped it, the reader said “Just Used” even though I hadn’t just used it. I went to the station’s booth to complain, but it was empty. I took a bus instead.

Keep firing those station agents, war criminals!

Hiram Monserrate is the gift that keeps on giving.

He’s trying to get on the ballot for next month’s special election (the one being held to replace him).

According to the Daily News, he got 5,500 signatures (he needed 3,000) and is running on an independent line called (I’m not kidding), Yes We Can.

You know what I hope? That Hiram wins and that the state Senate chooses the runner-up.

According to a Siena poll released yesterday, 47% of voters have a negative opinion of Monserrate.

55% have a negative opinion of “Governor” Paterson.

Wow.

The three cops accused of sodomizing Michael Mineo? All were cleared of the charges yesterday.

One of the jurors explaining their verdict thusly: “Things weren’t consistent. Stories were changing from the grand jury testimony to what [Mineo] said he saw… He used different words. He went from ‘rammed’ to ’side to side.’ So he wasn’t sure about what was done to him.”

The system works!

By the way, how do you think Officer Kevin Maloney — who testified on behalf of Mineo, claiming that he saw the sodomy occur — is doing these days? You think his locker is full of human excrement yet?

Churlie!

Prez’s newest idea: Simply outlaw reality is a teachable moment; it’s the moment when anyone with eyes stopped taking this prick seriously. “…Obama could just make sickness illegal. Maybe he could outlaw death.”

And maybe you could fall down some stairs and hit your head on the bureau you’re the chief of.

Obama proposed a tax on tanning beds.

Every part of me is happy with that (except the part whose aunt and uncle own a chain of salons with tanning beds in them).

Johnny Depp will appear on 48 Hours Mystery this Sunday to advocate for the release of the West Memphis Three.

If you have never seen the 1996 documentary Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills (or its 2001 sequel Paradise Lost 2: Revelations), do so immediately. The subject matter is gruesome, but the story is riveting and the films are masterfully executed. Sorry. Poor choice of words.

J.Lo will host SNL on March 6th!

To promote her new album? No, Sony just dropped her from the Epic label, so who knows when that horribe noise will see the light of day.

To promote her new movie, The Back-Up Plan? No, that was pushed back until (at least) April.

Is there anything NBC can do right?

Ryan Phillipe was married to Reese Witherspoon for seven years and had two kids with her. Then he started sleeping around with Abbie Cornish and they divorced.

Abbie Cornish (who he’s been with since 2006) is angry now, because she found out that Phillipe is… are you sitting down?… cheating on her!

Qu’une surpise!

Dick Cheney was hospitalized “after experiencing chest pains yesterday.”

Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

In 2006, pneumonia and bloodborne infections (caught while hospitalized) killed  _____ patients at a cost of  ______.

a) 504 & $820,000

b) 1,372 & $10,900,000

c) 25,816 & $1,070,000,000

d) 48,000 & $8,100,000,000

Pencils down.

The answer is d.

Seriously.

Rich Lowry complains that Obama won’t compromise with Republicans (!) because “it doesn’t interest him or his party.”

Then he suggests Nancy Pelosi “commission a poet as talented as Tennyson to memorialize the impending charge of her former majority makers: ‘Boldly they rode and well, into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of Hell.”

His point? No idea. But it’s great to imagine Democrats going to Hell, right?

Then Michael Tanner says that “Diocletian would be proud” of Obama. Diocletian “imposed price controls on most commodities and professions” in 301 AD.

For those keeping track, this makes Obama a Communist Socialist Marxist Nazi Kenyan Diocletian.

Wal-Mart is buying Vudu.

This means that, just like their recent price war with Amazon and other online booksellers, they will soon be trying to undersell Netflix on movie downloads.

Stop supporting this behemoth of mediocrity, America. Please.

Cindy Adams (for the second time in a week!) escehws her regular column of rambles to do a full page of something else. This time it’s a review of the current production of Mr. & Mrs. Fitch (starring John Lithgow and Jennifer Ehle).

She gives it one Yorkie out of four.

What next? A restaurant review? Wall Street analysis? Getting in the box?

Nature Boy is a sissy?

Ric Flair’s wife was arrested and charged with assaulting the former professional wrestler in their home in North Carolina.

When reached for comment, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka couldn’t stop laughing.

The Knicks scored 67 points last night.

That’s a WNBA score, yo.

Manny Rodriguez has declared, “I know I’m not going to be here next year” about his time with the Dodgers.

Under no circumstances do I want that douche anywhere near Yankee Stadium (unless he joins the Mets).

Chan Ho Park. Former Phillie, current Yankee.

Nice.

Posada is catching for A.J. Burnett?!?

And they’re getting along?!?

Now I’ve seen everything!

Faces of America with Louis Gates, Jr. is on PBS, which means it hasn’t been dumbed down to primordial levels.

But fret not, America’s mouthbreathers!

Lisa Kudrow is teaming up with NBC to bring you Who Do You Think You Are? which is exactly the same show, but with Spike Lee and Sarah Jessica Parker!

If it does well, look for CBS’ To Catch A Predecessor, ABC’s Jeannie-ology (hosted by someone named Jeannie) and Fox’s Analyze My Jizz! by year’s end.

Sarah Palin will be a guest on the second night of Jay Leno’s Tonight Show Redux.

The musical guest? Adam Lambert.

$20 says she insists they change that.

$40 says they do.

Tonight I will be eating my wife’s transcendent seafood soup and catching up with one of my oldest friends.

Doubleyayz!

Stay dry!



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