I am eating a breakfast of coffee and Dean & Deluca cookies. Mama Masoni does good work.

There are two headlines on today’s cover. KILLER WHALE tells the story of a killer whale (Tilikum) that killed a trainer at Sea World. And the scorpion looked at the frog and said, “I’m a scorpion. It’s my nature, you stupid frog.” The article claims that the killer killer whale was “notorious for being difficult, depressed and usually tempermental” and that Dawn Brancheau, 40, was the third person killed by Tilikum (a 20-year-old trainer in 1992 and a 27-year-old in 1999 also died Tilikum-related deaths).

“Despite the savage mauling, officials said the cause of death was drowning.”

Tilikum must have a great attorney whale.

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The other EXCLUSIVE cover story is the Screw Orleans: How NY pols left Katrina vics high and dry.

Actually, I believe that while Katrina was flooding N’awlins, most of the citizens dreamed of being both high and dry, but were neither.

The story names three women who claim that an aide to Rep. Gregory Meeks met with them and had them fill out paperwork and got their sizes for clothing, but never followed up with any kind of assistance at all. No money, no clothes, no nuthin’.

It’s stories like these that make me wish there really was a God. Because he (she?) would make Meeks and Smith and all the rest of these crooked bastards suffer. For she (he?) is a vengeful God. Amen.

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“Governor” Paterson has another scandal brewing, this time over a “top aide” who was accused of brutally attacking a woman. The New York Times claims that Paterson called the woman to convince her to drop the charges.

In all seriousness, if Paterson started running through the streets of every town in the state of New York and handed out $100 bills to everyone he saw, he’d still lose the next election in a landslide.

Oh, Magoo. You’ve done it again.

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Jessica Zamore-Anderson broke up with Paul Franco. So Franco changed the password to her Facebook account — and her sexual preference to gay — and demanded money to undo it (BEAUTY’S F’BOOK HIJACK ORDEAL).

Luckily, she went straight to the police and Franco was arrested.

I wonder if they’re still Friends.

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Are the Jehovah’s Witnesses moving out of their Watchtower in Brooklyn?

I’d be really excited if I thought I could afford more than a closet in their headquarters once realtors remodel the offices into apartments.

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The snow outside reminds me of the movie-in-the-movie Bowfinger. It was called Chubby Rain. And this precipitation is mad chubby, yo.

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Tiger Woods is in rehab in Arizona, this time for an addiction to painkillers and sleeping pills.

I can’t wait for Mandrea to mock him for this.

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Kelly Osbourne once told her parents (in tears), “I would rather be called ugly than be called fat.”

Luckily for her, she’s now more ugly than fat.

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Marvell Scott says he’ll be “vindicated in court” because the case against him is based entirely on “the testimony of criminals and liars.”

Well, prostitution is illegal, so technically he’s right.

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Could Mandrea be a more despicable shrew?

Sorry, ladies, but I want a fireman explains why she doesn’t want women to be firemen. “I’d feel a lot safer in the arms of a 6-foot man those of a 5-foot girl.” That’s right, you idiot. All women are 5′ and all men are 6′. Do you also have a race preference for the person who would rescue you from a fire (unless they recognize you)?

The accompanying photo of a (fiercely ripped) firewoman almost completely negates Mandrea’s point, but then most things do. And why is it always the people who would never be a fireman (or a soldier) that want to dictate who is or isn’t allowed to risk their lives of our behalf?

She writes about a lot of other things today, but this angered me enough to ignore the rest.

Her daughter must be so proud of her asshole mother.

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Health-scare tactic warns us that the Democrats are going to “ram through their highly unpopular health-care legislation.”

I can’t wait to see what happens at today’s trap health-care summit.

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Now I’m super-pissed that she’s serving less time than her victim.

Biurny Peguero Gonzalez told investigators that, if she had known she was pregnant at the time, she never would have recanted her wholly fabricated rape story. And her non-rapist would still be in prison.

Up for parole in one year = bullshit.

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3-D television sets hereby exist.

They go on sale in the U.S. next month.

I can’t wait for the IMAX television sets. Then I’ll finally be able to see Avatar the way it was meant to be seen!

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Gordon Ramsay cut off his fingernail during a cooking segment on Tuesday’s Ellen.

What a donkey. Here’s the clip.

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Speaking of which, new Kitchen Nightmares tonight.

Yay!

And tomorrow’s Friday! And then it’s Weekend Time™!

Until tomorrow, I remain.