Archive for February 28th, 2010

Nothing Ever Happens On A Saturday.

28th February
2010
written by jed

The Ho-hum Wrap-Up of Yesterday’s Boring Slow News Day

“Governor” Paterson announced he won’t seek re-election. But Paterson insists, “I give you this personal oath: I have never abused my office, not now, not ever.”

He just needs to lose his hearing now to snag the trifecta (he’s already blind and dumb).

Rangel was found “responsible” for the actions of his staff (and himself) in accepting corporate-sponsored trips to the Caribbean. He is still under investigation for not disclosing his actual income to Congress; not reporting/paying $75,000 in rental income on his Dominican Republic villa; soliciting money for the Rangel Center at CUNY by writing letters on Congressional stationery; leasing four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem and using one as an office; storing his Mercedes in the congressional garage.

He continues to chair the House Ways and Means Committee.

How can the Democrats miss this opportunity to throw a gigantic hunk of dead meat to the wolves? Charlie Rangel is wearing a “Throw Me Under The Bus” t-shirt and his iPod is blasting that song Beck wrote for A Life Less Ordinary. What does anyone gain (besides Rangel) from his continued presence on any committee, let alone the most powerful one in government?

Gatorade dropped Tiger Woods as their spokeshimbo.

A chimpanzee at the Moscow Zoo has been sent to rehab because he had developed a “bad drinking problem” from the booze that zoo visitors would feed him. Get well soon, Zhora. And then find a way out of Russia and get a decent attorney.

Churley Hurt uses Rangel’s current predicament as an excuse to say one of the dumbest things he’s ever said (no small feat).

Speaking about the taxes we pay, “It is a piece of our very freedom that they take from us. It is, in fact, a piece of who we are.”

What a tool.

21 inches of snow fell, bringing the total to 36.8 inches for February 2010 — a new record.

Thus disproving global warming.

Two female flight attendants got into a fight on a plane they were working on, causing the flight to Atlanta to be cancelled. A passenger claimed it was no more than a mere “verbal disagreement.”

You just made the list, Pinnacle Airlines.

Manhattan Supreme Court ruled that “beer lady” Mildred Block, 85, can’t sue the Mets for age discrimination. They replaced her in 2008 after 25 years of service.

With a 75-year-old.

In all seriousness? That’s cruel to do to people that age. Make them lug around beer and watch the Mets?

One of music’s greatest mysteries has been solved!

Carly Simon wrote “You’re So Vain” about David Geffen.

Or someone else named David. Probably.

Mystery solved!

Today

PIGSKIM is the EXCLUSIVE cover story that details the nonprofit started by Rep. Gregory Meeks and state Sen. Malcolm Smith. No, not that one. A different one. One that raised over $400,000 and spent exactly none of it on their communities. They spent it on salaries and legal fees and meals and office expenses — even though the nonprofit never had an office.

Again, I ask why the Democrats don’t hold a press conference to announce how fucked up this is and how they are suspending these asshats until further notice, instead of letting them tarnish the party.

The other cover story promises to take us Inside Manhattan’s Socialite wars and I really and truly couldn’t care less.

Norman Seabrook is the “correction union president.” He was angry that Mayor Bloomberg didn’t thank the city’s correction officers for the great job they did during the recent blizzards ‘n’ snowstorms ‘n’ sitch.

So Norman took out $250,000 worth of radio ads that took Bloomberg (a lame duck mayor) to task. This is a colossal waste of money. And now for the punchline of Jail crews are NY’s Sickliest.

Of the not-quite 3,000 corrections officers, 372 called in sick on February 11th (well over 10% of the workforce). The day before, 641 called in sick (well over 20%). That’s more than the rest of the city’s uniformed forces combined called in sick. Which might explain why Bloomberg didn’t go out of his way to commend them.

$250,000 well spent, Norman! Achoo!

The page 3 story is METS LOST AT ‘C’.

Apparently, the cover on the front of the C in the CItI FIELD sign fell down and into the stands at the Mets’ new stadium. The Post says it happened on January 25th, but my gut is telling me that author James Fanelli meant to write February 25th. And for a better newspaper.

Marie Osmond’s 18-year-old son committed suicide on Friday night. He claimed to have felt like he had no friends.

Shame on his 274 siblings for not reaching out to him.

Shards of glass fell on hundreds of audience members at a Purim party in Midtown last night. Jersey Shore’s Vinny and Snooki were among the guests, but were unharmed.

Thus disproving Darwinism.

What a beautiful photograph! Al Sharpton held a “leadership summit” at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem.

The photo on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on page 10) is of ex-Comptroller Carl McCall, Reps. Charles Rangel and Gregory Meeks, Reverend Al and state Senator Malcolm Smith.

No greater collection of scumbags has even been captured on film so skillfully (outside of a Palin rally).

Michael Goodwin insists that “If [Paterson] will not resign this week, articles of impeachment must be drawn.”

And that, during the health-care summit “[Obama] missed his teleprompter [sic]!” and “Even at press conferences, journalists rise when he enters the room and he stands behind a lecturn when they sit. Yet on Thursday, he was sitting on a chair like everybody else. To judge by his reaction, Obama didn’t like being on a level playing field.”

You forgot to call him “professor,” you Boolean logic-abusing jackass.

Thanks to Jon Paul Buchmeyer and his new memoir, Alphabet City. Where else would I learn that “Chips with the fat substitute Olestra cause Tyra [Banks] to have intestinal distress.”?

Cindy Adams begins today’s column, “I have written before about having a rotten cold. I now write again about having a rotten cold. And why is that? Because I have one again, that’s why.”

Why are you hanging on, Cindy? Joey wants you.

Only Joey wants you.

Over on page 16, there’s news of some 8.8-magnitude earhtquake or some sitch that hit Chile. It tied for the seventh-strongest quake ever recorded.

On (just) page 16.

Pages 17 and 18 discuss the socialite wars I spoke of earlier (well, it is twice as important as the story in Chile).

Wait a minute. I find out there’s a 10-day cursing festival in Kathmandu after it ends?

Nertz.

Kyle Smith laments that, despite the fact that Spitzer reigned in shame and Paterson is ending his campaign for the same reason, the gubernatorial frontrunner is a Democrat.

He blames this on Republicans not “stepping up.” I blame it on the inherent intelligence of New York voters.

Will Peggy Noonan’s PATRONIZER IN CHIEF make her relevant again?

Ha! No. But you have to respect the subhead (Obama fails to listen again at a boorish health care summit).

Did I respect? I meant laugh at.

Like a homosexual against gay marriage, Catherine N. Dillon of Manhasset writes in to praise Andrea Peyser’s Sorry, Ladies, But I Want a Fireman.

“Andrea Peyser certainly got it right in her assessment of women firefighters. Now if we could only get Peyser into the Pentagon, where she could explain to the brass why mixing the sexes on a submarine might not be in the Navy’s best interests.”

You’ve come a long way, stupid.

ASK ASHLEY!

My wife thinks it’s weird that I have a foot fetish. I’m not into spikes or leather, just massages. What’s so weird about that? — Paul D., New City

ASHLEY: “I am totally confused. So, you just like massaging your wife’s feet? And you think this is a foot fetish? Is this right? That is not really a fetish — you just like nice feet! Massage away, Paul!”

ME: “What I find weird is that the hooker automatically assumes that you like giving foot massages and not necessarily getting them. And that she has gainful employment. Besides whoring.”

My wife and I are having issues getting our 15-year-old daughter to behave like an adult. She doesn’t understand our requiring her to take care of school, violin and chores before having some fun on Facebook. She refuses to do anything until she gets what she wants. We’re aware of the things teens like to do, but she doesn’t see the need to take care of her responsibilities first. Help! — Michael A., 43, White Plains

ASHLEY: “When I was 15, I also didn’t want to do anything my parents wanted me to do.”

ME: “Read your daughter the above sentence, explaining who Ashley Dupre is. That should do the trick. B’also? Don’t ask a whore how to raise your child. K thnx bi.”

I’m thinking of suing my husband’s ex-mistress for criminal conversion (having sex with a married person). I think it would be a good lesson, and I can use the money to pay for the therapy I’m going to need to get over the affair. What’s your opinion? — Anonymous

ASHLEY: Her first paragraph begins, “It’s not the mistress’ fault that your husband cheated!” Her second paragraph begins, “I don’t think it was his fault — or yours, really.”

ME:”The defensive prostitute has exonerated everyone from responsibility. Congratulations!”

Hey, V.A. Musetto! Be creepy!

“Greta Gerwig fans can relax. Just because she’s graduated from mumblecore movies with Greenberg, directed by Noah Baumbach, doesn’t mean she’s not the sweet, infectious actress we all know and love. And, as in nearly all her movies, Gerwig goes topless.”

Creepy!

The Search For Six Wins is over!

The Nets beat the Celtics (!) 104-96, bringing their win percentage to 10.3%.

And now begins the Struggle For Seven Wins — starting with tonight’s game against Washington!

According to Jay Greenberg, Joba Chamberlain is the most overrated New York athlete (in any sport), and Jorge Posada is the “best offensive catcher of last 15 years not named Mike Piazza.”

Shut up, Jay.

They’re thinking about having the 2014 Super Bowl in the New Meadowlands?

But what about the security risk? Can’t they have a football tribunal instead?

Won’t someone think about the children?

The U.S. won bobsled gold? Congratulations, four men lying down and sliding down a track! Great job!

Tomorrow begins another week. The plumber will arrive in the early morning to fix my sink and radiator.

Hopefully.

Later, skaters.

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