Archive for February, 2010
Sorry, peeps. Thought I had a 12:30 rehearsal that was actually at 2:00. It is 5:13 and I am returned, highlighted paper in tow, and I will now deliver what you have come to expect (rightly) by lunchtime. Forgiveness, please.
KAMIKAZE ATTAX!
Fed-up madman crashes plane into IRS building
“Taxman-hating Joseph Stack” wrote an e-suicide note, set his house on fire and flew a plane into an IRS office in Austin, Texas.
“I know I’m hardly the first one to decide I have had all I can stand … I have just had enough … Violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer,” he wrote crazily in his crazy suicide posting.
Not only is he crazy, he is cuh-razily crazy. If you take just one thing away from the Post’s coverage of this story (which follows two pages of Tiger Woods news), let it be that this guy was crazy and a loner. Do not — under any circumstances look into his political affiliations. It’s not like the guy’s name was Muhammed, after all.
It has no relation to any of the recent calls for a literal revolution in this country. No connection to any elected Republican officials speak of loading weapons for to take back the gub’mint. Nothing to see here. Move along.
And what could possibly precede the domestic terrorist disgruntled nutcase acting alone? Tiger Woods’ wife was wearing Nike sneakers, a Nike do-rag and a Nike sweatshirt, “[sending] a clear signal yesterday she’s standing by her man.”
Oh, and Ernie Els said of Tiger’s press conference today, “It’s selfish. You can write that.”
I just did.
You remember those bricks that fell onto the 1 line in August? The ones formerly in the ceiling of the 181st Street station? Guess how much the MTA estimates the repair will cost. Go on, guess.
“At least $17,500,000.”
War criminals, right? Blatantly laughing in your face while they commit more crimes that you pay for.
Fun facts!
* Hiram Monserrate succesfully sued the NYPD (he was a cop at the time) for creating a hostile work environment for minority officers.
* In 2000, he left the force (after 12 years) “on a psychological disability after filing a doctor’s report that said he suffered from anxiety and depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.”
* He has failed to appear at any of his three court-ordered counseling sessions.
* He spent six hours at a Salvation Army office (all in one afternoon), bringing the total amount of court-ordered community service he has performed to six hours (he was sentenced to 250 hours).
* For his (in)actions, a judge could sentence Monserrate to up to one year in prison.
* Monserrate’s lawyer (Joseph Taco Penis) counters, “the senator has been compliant with his probation conditions” (despite Monserrate no longer being a senator and also the fact that he hasn’t been compliant with his probation conditions).
Pages 8 and 9 cover Bernie Kerik’s 4-year sentence, with page 8 being a Cindy Adams EXCLUSIVE.
(spit take)
That’s right. She went to the Kerik home to have “veal Milanese, pasta with shrimp, Mediterranean salad” and relay the tired kvetching of the bald criminal and his wife to me (joy).
Maybe this means she won’t have a column today!
Bristol Palin is trying to subpoena Playgirl magazine in order to find out if Levi’s (the fertile idiot, not the pants) been holding out on her.
Drill, baby, drill!
Churlie Hurt is on fire! It seems like every day he has some new über-partisan vitriol to vomit onto my eyes!
From ‘hope & change’ to ‘duck & cover’ begins thusly: “Curling up into the fetal position and begging others to do what he does not have the guts to do himself, President Obama yesterday issued an executive order establishing the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform.”
But my totes fave part comes three paragraphs later: “
Then, proving he has completely lost touch with reality and with voters, Obama used six commemorative pens to sign the disgraceful admission that all his promises of hope and change in Washington have been an absolute failure.
“‘And this is the pen I used to admit that I lied during my entire presidential campaign about being an adult and willing to make hard decisions and then farmed out the responsibilities of the federal government to unelected people who aren’t desperate like me and all my friends in Congress to stay in office,’ he should one day tell his grandchildren when they get home from school where they learn the Chinese language and proper Taliban etiquette on the soccer field.”
He’s the Post’s D.C. Bureau Chief.
And a bag of douche.
I just want to point out that I was pretty sure that the store was called Walgreens and not Walgreen, but I foolishly trusted the Post to get the name of the company they were writing an article about right.
But then, look at their D.C. Bureau Chief.
According to the Post, Mitt Romney said the following at the C-PAC conference: “If these liberal monarchists succeed, they would kill the very spirit that has built the nation.”
But I’m pretty sure he said “bilked” and not “built.”
P.S. — Just to be clear, I’m a Socialist, a Marxist, a Communist, a Nazi and now I’m also a monarchist? I think the Tea Party got a hold of a sixth grader’s vocabulary list and is just going down the list (“these liberal oligarchists with their fawning over triumvirates are ruining our once-great nation.”)
According to Page Six (today on page 14), Brangelina are staging family photos “like a military operation” in order to fool the world into thinking they aren’t separating.
They also wanted you to know that Pamela Anderson said “I really don’t love my body.”
“Which,” she continued, “is why I gave it hepatitis C.”
Lisa Rinna, who has freakishly surgically-altered lips, said of the People magazine cover that Heidi Montag (who has surgically-altered everything) was on, “I had to take that cover off the magazine before it came in the house” because it disturbed her so.
Rinna just posted on Twitter, “I apologize to Miss Montag if my words were taken and used against her in the press. I did not slam her or her surgeries for the record.”
For the record, I find both of these people disturbing.
Of the 11 firemen who beat up those civilians at The Salty Dog, one was a captain and one was a lieutenant (Fire brawlers face raps). Prosecutors are currently considering bringing “gang-assault charges” against all of them, however, “some prosecutors are concerned that a gang-assault rap might lead to expectations of identical charges in future cases.”
Which would be a shame — imagine if you had to bring those charges against every gathering of firemen that beat up civilians in a bar!
More comical mix-ups with the 911 operators!
A woman called 911 to report that her 6-year-old son was in cardiac arrest.
And off to 277 Avenue C went the firefighters and medics.
But when they got to 277 Avenue C, the mother and child were nowhere to be found.
“I think I’ve solved the mystery, Sally,” Encyclopedia Brown chuckled.
“No way,” huffed Bugs Meany.
“Not only have I deduced the answer to this puzzle,” Encyclopedia shot back with a grimace, “but I also know about what you and Spike and Duke and Rocky do to each other’s balls.”
HAVE YOU SOLVED THE MYSTERY OF THE DISAPEARRING CARDIAC ARREST?
That’s right. They went to the Avenue C in Brooklyn, but the 6-year-old was in Manhattan.
Now he’s in Heaven.
According to a report filed last night, “Several soldiers assigned to an Arabic-translation unit at a South Carolina Army base are being investigated for plotting to poison the food supply there.”
Wait… there’s a South Carolina Army?
(packs, moves to Argentina)
Nathan Lewis, 21, of Idaho, was arrested on his wedding night after he punched his bride at the reception. He was released a few hours later and he went home. And hit his wife. And got arrested again.
I think they should start seeing other people.
Crystal Mangum, 31!
That’s the nice lady who publically accused three Duke lacrosse players of brutally raping her (despite that never actually happening). Her 9-year-old daughter called 911 and when the cops arrived, they found Crystal screaming “I’m going to stab you, [expletive]!” at her boyfriend, Milton Walker.
She faces a bunch of charges, including attempted murder.
Enjoy prison, Crystal!
The Lower Merion School District provides its students with laptops that they can take home and work on. A family of one student is now suing them because they claim the Web cams in the laptops were “used to spy on students at home, catching them and their families in compromising situations.”
Can you guess what city this is happening in?
I’ll give you a hint: It’s the worst city ever.
That’s right, kids, it’s Philadelphia!
(something about not looking a gift laptop in the Web cam)
Hey, Rich “Churlie Hurt Jr.” Lowry! Put the bad taste back in my mouth with the title and sub-title of your opinion piece!
Nothing’s Broken
The system’s not the problem
Much obliged!
Bill O’Reilly warns Obama that he is heading towards a fate similar to Ah-nuld’s (Governator’s Lessons for O). Then he refers to San Francisco’s government as “far-left loons.” And tomorrow, he’ll feign indignation for someone calling him a name and he’ll insist that he never sinks to the level of name-calling.
And then he’ll hit on his staff (if you know what I mean).
Sirius XM stock is up 87% since January. Which reminds me of Dennis Miller’s old joke about buy-one-get-one-free sales on ugly clothing (“two of shit is still shit”).
The stock is currently at $1.13/share.
Wal-Mart reported its first-ever quarterly profit drop.
Keep up the good work, America!
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives Shutter Island three stars (“Marty’s deluxe nut assortment.”), and two stars to Happy Tears (“Nothing to cry about here”).
Kyle Smith gives Roman Polanski’s new film two stars (“The Ghost Writer is a movie about systemic lack of respect for women and the urgent need to extradite criminals.”), half a star to The Good Guy (“Needs a script bailout.”), one and a half stars to Lourdes (“It is so controlled and distant that it says nothing at all. Slowly.”) and one star to Blood Done Sign My Name (“The suggestion that a heinous killing supplied a useful lesson about racism to a little white kid is pure bathos.”).
V.A. Musetto gives Phyllis and Harold one star and The Last New Yorker two stars. Neither feature nudity (let alone Asian nudity).
At the end of the first quarter of the Raptors/Nets game, it’s 32-21 (guess who’s losing).
Real Time with Bill Maher returns tonight. Huzzah!
Have a lovely weekend, folks.
Warning: Tiger on the loose
LOCK UP THE WAITRESSES!
Sorry serial tomcat finally ending silence
Apparently, Tiger Woods is holding a press conference tomorrow where he’ll apologize to his fans (and, hopefully, his wife and kids) and announce his unretirement. The front page calls him “Tubby Tiger” (he’s gained, what, five pounds?) and the follow-up on pages 4 and 5 call him “surprisingly pudgy,” “arrogant,” a “control freak” who “hates the press,” and “awful.”
So the most important thing that happened yesterday was the announcement that Tiger Woods will be having a brief press conference tomorrow.
Good to know.
Now that fare hikes, paratransit reductions/eliminations and doing away with free student fares have all been put on the table, the MTA is now considering “a series of cost savings and administrative-position cuts — to show riders facing severe service reductions that the agency, too, is getting hammered by the budget.”
Like that nice lady who sleeps with Dame Paul McCartney in Europe instead of attending board meetings in Manhattan?
If the MTA discovered the cure for cancer and AIDS toorrow, I would still hate them with a fiery passion.
“Governor” Paterson has been getting “counsel” on his re-election bid from an old friend: Eliot Spitzer.
“OK, Dave. Two things. First off, stay away from Ashley Dupre. Second, stay away from Ashley Dupre. Questions?”
Page 3 offers Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto’s critique of the sushi being sold at Duane Reade (SUSHI PRO: FISH ‘PHARM’ WRONG Rx).
SPOILER: He didn’t like it very much.
One of the people that answers the Post’s question “Why are you angry at Washington?” is Terry Keley, 50, of Manhattan. “Our problems are far too great to be handled by a bunch of clowns, but that’s exactly what’s happening.”
Terry’s profession? He’s a banker.
Stairs.
Current frontrunner for Evan Bayh’s seat?
John Cougar Mellencamp.
Place to send your cantaloupe and honeydew for the summer?
John Cougar Melon Camp.
Churlie Hurt returns with ‘We understand why they’re angry… We get it.’ Biden finally admits: Congress ‘is broken’ — which begins “Oh, now they get it!”
And does he credit both parties with Congress’ current state of affairs? Or does he put the bame squarely on the Democrats?
What do you think?
Mandrea!
Stomp out subway heels takes the side of the po-po in the tale of the 17-year-old who got a ticket for putting his feet on the edge of a seat in an otherwise-empty car (“The cop shouldn’t back down on this one.”); Tragic but just takes the side of the po-po in the Sean Bell shooting death; but it’s City not sitting pretty that wastes the most ink — Mandrea is angry about the pedestrian plazas in Midtown because they’re “turning this city into a suburban shopping mall” for “wide-bodied tourists, Gauloise-sucking posers and men who carry their worldly possessions in plastic bags.”
Does she mean drug dealers? Does even she know what she means anymore?
Cindy Adams mentions that she once had a fragrance on the market. A quick trip to Google Images reveals this:
I bet it smells like witch hazel and the defiance of time.
Page 20 heralds the capture of a “Second Taliban bigshot” that we “bagged” (Second Taliban bigshot bagged).
Right next to the article about the Greyhound bus that was stolen in Manhattan and then found in Queens.
What a fantastic newspaper (SarcMark).
Is Simon Cowell getting married to an American Idol makeup artist?
Possibly!
Is Burger King going to start selling Starbucks coffee?
Yes!
In Why Populist Palin Will Never Be Prez, George F. Will complains that Sarah Palin “has been subjected to such irrational vituperation — loathing largely born of snobbery,” which I find hilarious. Who but a snob would use vituperation in a sentence?
Walgreen is buying Duane Reade for $1,080,000,000.
Of course, that offer was made before they found out that Duane Reade’s sushi isn’t very good.
By three points, the Nets lost last night — making them 5-49.
The Search For Six Wins continues!
Fun fact: The most consecutive wins the Nets have this season is 1 — they still haven’t won two games in a row.
Apparently there were some trades in the NBA and the Olympics are going on. I remain uncaring.
On tonight’s episode of The Sarah Silverman Program., “Sarah sues Home Alone for influencing her to accidentally murder her neighbor.”
Yes, please.
And that’s Thursday.
Stay warm and stop by again on the morrow.
Spring training begins today! The Yankees are in Tampa and, as someone who cares not for hockey, basketball, football, soccer, the Olympics, wrestling or boxing, I couldn’t be happier. Do it again, boys.
But Spring fever (and the sexy photo of sexy Derek Jeter being sexy) are only part of today’s front page. FROM BID TO WORSE lets us know that AEG estimated their revenue projection for the slots at the racino at $2,900,800,000. That was $400,000,000 less than SL Green’s estimate — and the lowest estimate of all firms bidding. Then “Governor” Paterson told everyone to revise their bids. Every single firm’s projection stayed the same… except AEG. Their estimate went up to $3,614,300,000,000.
That doesn’t seem odd to me. You?
The conversion of the Farley Post Office into the Patrick Moynihan train station will begin (just 10 years after Chuckie Schumer started the ball rolling!), now that the feds kicked in $83,300,000 (bringing the total to $267,000,000).
It’ll be finished by 2015.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(wipes tear from eye)
2015. That’s funny.
Critical Mass has reached critical mass (City wins bike battle).
Manhattan federal judge Lewis Kaplan cited the “city’s substantial interests in safety, efficiency and traffic flow” in ruling that groups of 50 or more bicyclists will have to get a parade permit for their rides.
Why do I have a feeling that the folks who take part in Critical Mass won’t abide by this ruling?
Steven Mandala, 29, told Merrill Lynch that he was a partner at Maxim Group. He wasn’t. He did work there (from 2004 to early 2009), but as a $100,000/year broker. He told Merrill Lynch he was a partner who managed $300,000,000 in client assets. He gave them fake pay stubs and fake tax forms and they hired him.
Then — on April 24, his first day at his new job — he asked them for a $780,000 loan. And they gave it to him. And he bought a $250,000 Ferrari. And intermittently showed up at work. He resigned on June 29th.
Is Merrill Lynch too stupid to fail?
Hey, everyone! It’s Churlie Hurt! He’s back with Evan’s bye-bye a rebuke to Dems, and it’s everything you’d expect from an idiot.
“…Evan Bayh has emerged — soul apparently intact”
“Could anyone deliver a more crushing rebuke of the Democratic reign we have seen over the past 13 months?”
When Charles Hurt complements a Democrat, you need to look closer at that Democrat. Bayh is not the centrist that everyone says he is. His wife is on the board of WellPoint and was paid over $350,000 in 2007. WelPoint is the company that just raised their rates 39% (38% in Bayh’s home state of Indiana, where he works for the common man) as they paid exorbitant bonuses to folks like Director William H.T. Bush (brother of George H.W. Bush). Mrs. Bayh’s annual salary (sorry, “director’s fees”) is currently estimated at well over $1,000,000.
I take back my prediction of an Obama/Bayh ticket. Support from Hurt is enough to make me dislike Bayh intensely.
Goodwin!
He calls Obama “The Decider” (isn’t that the retarded cowboy’s nickname?) in Tough talk isn’t worth Hill of beans and laments that Iran is going to kill us because our POTUS is an effete pussy (I’m paraphrasing).
He also attacks Bloomberg (Mike blew his chance to bite back at Biden) for not making the following offer: “If Biden and Obama would be willing to move their wives and children here and subject them to the same risk of a terror attack they demand millions of innocent New Yorkers face, then the trial is welcome.”
Really, Mike? You’d stop screaming about the trials if the Obamas and Bidens came to town? Really? Seems bluffy to me.
But today’s crown jewel is Holder’s Tali-fan club, reprinted below in its entirety.
“The capture of the Taliban’s second- in-command is fantastic news — unless Attorney General Eric Holder forces interrogators to read him his Miranda rights. If that happens, I say we give Holder to the Taliban and call it even.”
And I say we push Goodwin down some stairs.
Robert Pattinson did a photo shoot where he was surrounded by naked women. And what did the heartthrob have to say about it?
“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina.”
Does this mean that Kristen Stewart has a penis? The Twilight saga just got interesting…
Is Gerard Butler cheating on Jennifer Aniston?
How could anyone not?
According to Page Six (today on page 11), Andrew Dice Clay is staging a tour celebrating the 20th anniversary of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. He claims that some of his co-stars in the film (Billy Idol and Shiela E.) have expressed interest in joining the tour (?) and he hopes that Priscilla Presley (??) and Ed O’Neill (um, he has a career still, Diceman) will join them.
Hickory dickory dock,
Double-check the clock.
Your time has expired,
Your act became tired
And the chick was all like “OH!”
(smokes cigarette in a goofy fashion)
Q-list celebrity feud!!!
Kelly Osbourne vs. Peaches Geldof!!!
Everybody wins!!!
Cindy Adams has a “note” for “Kevin Smith, that chunky filmmaker”: “Remember the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.”
What is keeping this relic (what some might consider) alive?
Andrew Cuomo calls Hiram Monserrate’s attempt to hold onto his Senate seat “dangerous” and “absurd.”
How gubernatorial!
Police are looking for the boyfriend of the Rev. Fat Al Sharpton’s daughter (who was recently arrested for driving erratically and cursing out the po-po) for punching her in the mouth and shoving her out of a parked car yesterday.
Hitting a woman is never OK. But I’m not convinced that Dominique Sharpton is a woman.
The winner of Best in Show at the 134th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show:
Sadie the Scotty!
Lance McGraw saved a straphanger who had fainted and fallen on the tracks at the Eighth Avenue station in Brooklyn. He jumped onto the tracks and helped pull Rosie Rittenberry to safety as an N trian approached.
And where was he when Justin Grace fell onto the tracks? Nowhere, that’s where.
Jerk.
If only he was being ironical.Paul L. Whiteley Sr. of Louisville, Kentucky, writes in to complain about hiw special interests have destroyed “how we do politics.”
“Republicans should designate Rush Limbaugh to be one of the representatives to speak for them at the health-care summit. He is the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent voice of the Republican Party. No one articulates what the GOP is all about better than Limbaugh.”
Bill Ahearn of Brooklyn writes in to say, “The Democrats wanted President George W. Bush to fail in Iraq so badly they did everything short of selling terrorist war bonds.”
In the land of people who read the Post, I am king.
Maggie Gallagher is the president of the National Organization for Marriage (or NOM NOM NOM, as I call it) blames the current state of Washington on a “culture war.”
If her side wins, we’re fucked (you betcha).
Steve Cuozzo gives the Russian Tea Room four zeros (wait… what?).
Not “zero stars” or “one nyet” or “four zeroes,” but “four zeros.”
Bozhe moi!
The Nets beat Charlotte 103-94! The Search For Five Wins is over!
The Struggle For Six Wins begins!
Chien-Ming Wang is now a Washington National, just like Brian Bruney.
Godspeed, ex-Yankee hurlers.
Kevin Eubanks, 52, is quitting his job as Jay Leno’s bandleader. Not before the Tonight Show returns in March, but soon thereafter. The current frontrunner to replace him?
Darius Rucker a.k.a. Hootie (of Blowfish fame).
How many reasons can NBC give me to not watch this show?
Modern Family is a repeat tonight. As was House earlier this week. Sigh.
Morning rehearsal got bumped to Friday, so I can actually do some housework before my afternoon and evening appointments. Hot damn! Everything’s comin’ up Milhouse!
Later, gators.
Went to doctor’s appointment with Teresa. Afterwards, she went to the Manhattan-bound F, I went to a deli to get coffee and then went to the Coney Island-bound F (or G). As I descended the stairs, someone on their way up told me there was no train service. No F, no G. So I walked to Court Street and waited (in the snow) for a B75 bus (which soon won’t be an option!) that took its sweet-ass time. I got home at 11:15. I texted Teresa to make sure she got out OK, but still haven’t heard back.
The MTA is just lousy. Please sue them, Justin.
BAMSHELL!
Evan Bayh quits Senate: ‘Won’t run for president’ (wink, wink)
The Post insists that the reason Bayh won’t seek re-election is that he wants to be POTUS. What they don’t suggest is that maybe (just maybe) Cindy Adams was right about Joe Biden not being VP next term… and maybe Evan Bayh will.
Of course, it makes for a better front page to accuse Bayh of lying (wink, wink) about his intentions. Journalism, shmournalism.
Jessica Simpson makes page 3 (Less of Jess) to let us all know that “An elegant — and slimmed-down — Jessica Simpson shows off her glorious gams in a sultry spread for the new issue of Allure.”
Sadly, she remains an idiot.
“A nasal spray containing a hormone that makes women more maternal and men less shy apparently can help those with autism make eye contact and interact better with others, according to a provocative study released yesterday.”
Wait… there’s a nasal spray that makes men less shy? And women more maternal? What does that even mean (besides disproving global warming)?
3% of (polled) New Jerseyans voted George Washington as their favorite POTUS. 5% voted for FDR, Abraham Lincoln tied with Barack Obama at 7%, JFK got 11% and 22% chose Bill Clinton. And the winner with 24%? Ronald Reagan.
But… where’s Bush? And/or Bush?
You know the transit hub at (what used to be) the World Trade Center? The one that keeps getting pushed back? Well now folks are saying there’s a 25% chance that it will be complete by mid-2014 (three years later than its original deadline). Now folks are saying 2015. At the earliest.
War criminals.
The MTA decided to change up the schedules for the C and D trains until Saturday. The C is now an express train and the D now runs local on the C’s route.
No warning, no heads-up. This is just how it is now. Hopefully, you didn’t learn this the hard way.
War criminals.
We caught the Taliban’s top military commander!
From here on out, it should be smooth sailing! Mission accomplished!
First the guy who wrote “My Sharona” dies, now it’s the guy who wrote “Susie-Q.”
The guy who wrote “Popcorn” had better finish writing his will.
A guy pulled a knife during a Guns N’ Roses show at the Gramercy Park Hotel, but Sebastian Bach saw him (while standing on a banquette) and proclaimed “Nobody is getting anywhere near my man Axl Rose with a knife” and alerted security, who removed the man without incident.
Axl Rose later insisted that he has no idea who Sebastian Bach is.
Cindy Adams claims that Paris Hilton “likes being named after a capital. If ever she has kiddies, she’ll name them similarly. Boy, London; girl, China.”
Um… yeah.
Rich Lowry explains why global warming is all bullshit in ‘Warming’ Meltdown.
Directly below is Floyd Flake’s Aqueduct: The Community’s Needs, which explains why the group that was awarded the racino contract will do a great job and everyone should be pickled tink to be alive in a state where such wondrous things occur.
I can’t decide who is more full of shit, Rich or Floyd.
The Nets have 30 games left in their season. At best, they will finish 34-48. At worst, 4-78.
The Quest For Five Wins continues tonight against Charlotte.
Good luck, Worst Team Ever!
Linda Stasi watched The Ricky Gervais Show and “laughed so loud that I practically had to be restrained in the office.”
Which is why she gave it three stars.
Get in Cindy’s box, Linda.
And that’s the end of that chapter. Stay warm and dry and come back tomorrow.
Two reasons for the title: Firstly, it’s a thing that’s twice as big as usual and it’s written by what passes these days for a man. The second entendre is based on the fact that Marvel Comics used to put out extra-large issues of their most popular books with names like Giant-Size Hulk and Giant-Size Daredevil. The comic book community’s answer to phone pranks (“Is your refrigerator running?” “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”) when I was a teenager was “Do you have a Giant-Size Man-Thing?” or variations thereof. And lest you think that such a foolishly-named thing could exist…
It ran for five issues.
SUNDAY
TALISLAM! is today’s headline, see, because we had one o’ them “surges” in Afghanistan. 15,000 troops. Surely this is the beginning of the end of the Taliban, right?
Right?
Page 2’s EXCLUSIVE (Germs on run from sure-handed cops) reveals (for the first time anywhere!) that NYPD officers will now have a small bottle of hand sanitizer clipped to their already-16-pound belts. You know, for safety!
How did the other papers get scooped on this??1?
Joel Klein estimates that the city paid $30,000,000 last year to “teachers” in “rubber rooms.”
Six of those “teachers” account for $540,000 of that. We already know about Alan Rosenfeld ($100,049) and Francisco Olivares ($94,145), but today we learn about George Addison ($80,695), who allegedly “shoved his hand down the pants of a 15-year-old special-ed student” in 2003 (the case was ultimately dismissed but he never went back to teaching); Aryeh Eller ($85,426), who “admitted to making lewd comments,” but an arbitrater pointed out that he was not informed of his rights — which is why he’s been in a rubber room since 2003; and Radharaman Upadhyaya ($102, 852), who was suspended for three days after being accused of “fondling a learning disabled student at his home.” Luckily for him, a witness was found “not credible” and he ended up in a rubber room, where he’s remained since 2003. The sixth guy, Wayne Miller ($78,039), was accused of sexually assauting a child, but the victim recanted their allegation and he’s been in a rubber room since 2002.
That $1,000,000 is spent on these people is grotesque. But $30,000,000? A year? While schools are closing?
So aggravating.
AccuWeather (which hasn’t been accurate at all in 2010) predicts “up to six more inches of snow… between [Monday] night and Tuesday morning.”
So look for some snow on Wednesday.
Michael Goodwin is such a tool. He makes fun of the integrity of the New York Times because they put (what Goodwin calls) spin on a news story (they said Obama was doing better than the GOP in the polls — WHICH HE IS — but they waited “more than 250 words” before revealing that Obama’s disapproval rating is up). Which is kind of like a McDonald’s employee complaining about how Wendy’s employees sell unhealthy food. And does Goodwin offer any of his patented insight on how Obama is doing?
“President Obama has lost the country.”
“He throws money at every problem despite public fury at the mountain of debt he’s creating.”
Thank God for Goodwin. At least he doesn’t resort to history-rewriting spin and partisan bullshit!
If you follow local politics and aren’t throwing up, you’re doing it wrong.
NOAH-F raised money for Katrina victims, but never got around to giving out that money.
Americans for Global and Domestic Peace was formed in 2002 and created New York’s Tsunami Relief Fund in 2005. NYTRF raised “more than $200,000″ for victims of the tsunami. But according to tax records, they only raised (and spent) $10,000.
Gregory Meeks is on that board. Hiram Monserrate was a co-chairman of the fund.
I would very much like a law-enforcement agency to investigate this and put all of the guilty parties in prison for the rest of their lives.
“With the coldest winter ever recorded, with snow setting record levels up and down the coast, the Nobel committee should take the Nobel Prize back from Al Gore.”
That’s Donald Trump reminding everyone that he doesn’t understand the concept of global warming.
Flavor Flav owes over $63,000 in back child support.
Woooooooooooooooooow.
Officer Raphael Ospina, 27! Had two passengers in his vehicle! He clipped a garbage truck, jumped a curb and hit a tree, a garbage can and the front of Tiffany’s. The three occupants of the car had to be cut out. One passenger broke his arm in three places, the other required surgery on his back. Ospina has been suspended for 30 days without pay and charged with “DWI and one count of vehicular assault.”
Aren’t cops who drive drunk hilarious?
Cindy Adams talks about love.
“Kenny Loggins met nurse Julia when she was hired to give him a high colonic. Kate Capshaw on husband S. Spielberg: ‘What attracted me was that he smelled like a newborn baby.’”
Box.
A Gallup poll (with no details beyond that) claims that the percentage of adults who says they’re “satisfied with their standard of living” is greatest in North Dakota (82.3%), South Dakota (80.8%), Alaska (80.4%), Minnesota (79.4%) and Iowa (79.0%). New York had a 72.5% and Nevada placed dead last with 69%.
So, if I lower my living standards to Dakotan levels, I’ll be a happier person?
A Fox News poll (which is kind of like “military intelligence” and “jumbo shrimp”) claims 61% of Americans are in favor of repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and 30% are opposed.
Interesting how their numbers don’t jibe with the numbers that every other poll is reporting (at least 75% for, less than 20% against).
Google Buzz sounds awful. Glad I never insalled it.
“I had been presented — for no right reason — all these design opportunities. They were crazy ones that I had absolutely no business even pondering… I can’t sketch, I can’t drape.”
That’s Sarah Jessica Parker in May of 2007.
In January of 2010, she became the president and creative director of Halston.
For no right reason.
Ashley Dupre’s column is boring this week. And not in an amusing way.
V.A. Musetto has great things to say about Air Doll, a Japanese movie about an inflatable sex doll that comes to life.
A movie featuring Asian nudity that V.A. Musetto likes? Now I’ve seen everything!
Anne’s boyfriend has low standards.
“TO MY LOVE, I L♥VE YOU, LOVE ANNE” is the message that Anne paid the Post to run in their special Valentine’s Day personals section (The Book of Love).
P.S.: Love.
Yankees trainer Gene Monahan, 65, is suffering from a “significant illness that possibly could sideline him for the beginning of the regular season.”
Gene is the longest-tenured head athletic coach in the major leagues and will be missing his first spring training in 48 years.
Get well soon, Gene.
TODAY
According to today’s front-page story (TIGER BABY SHOCK), Joslyn James, porn star and mistress of Tiger Woods (in that order), claims that she and Woods never used protection and that he got her pregnant twice (the first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, the second became an abortion). Woods’ wife was reportedly pregnant during both of James’ alleged Woods-inflicted pregnancies.
The fact that Woods never used protection with a porn star (and, I’d imagine, the rest of his stable) leads me to believe that he has some diseases (besides sex addiction).
Joe Biden and Dick Cheney are going back and forth with the insults.
(waves miniature American flag)
How is this legal?
“Governor” Paterson announced that he’d make public all of the documents connected to the bidding process for the Aqueduct racino. Nice.
Then he told the folks who bid that they would have the right to “black out” (through redaction) any “controversial or revealing information” first.
Somewhere, Andrew Cuomo is laughing really hard.
AccuWeather? More like Redact-uWeather!
Now it’s one to three inches sometime after 4:00 p.m. tonight.
Thus disproving global warming.
Further proof that Justin Grace is mad lucky: José Juarez, 16, was spraying graffiti at the Kings Highway station on Saturday night when he got hit by an N train. He lost his right leg.
Further further proof that Justin Grace is luckier than José Juarez: I will not be bringing José any donut holes.
Mandrea!
She laments that “fashion ain’t what it used to be” (Fashion is dead in New York — here’s the proof!) and refers to a pair of spectacles as “Elvis Costello glasses” (despite their not looking anything like the singer’s trademark eyewear). She also mentions that she ate a lot of foie gras (“up yours, PETA!”) and that she snuck into the VIP area, despite being violently unattractive.
Not wanting Donald Trump to be the only person trumpeting their ignorance on climate change, Andrea also pens ‘Climate’ credibility cooling off, which I will reprint for you in its entirety:
“The forecast for planet Earth this winter calls for an extra dose of rain, snow, sleet, ice and pestilence. But according to confounded warmingologists, this actually proves Al Gore right! Throw away that shovel and buy a bikini. Those who pray at the altar of global cooking once said unusual heat was a sign of climate change. Now, warming cultists hold up ice and snow and freezing rain as proof-positive that, any day now, we’ll be living all year in a Miami August.
Until they make up their minds, I’m hanging on to my snow boots.”
She also attacks Alec Baldwin, Hiram Monserrate and Presidents Day, but how can you top that last piece?
One of the three finalists (who used to date Carl Pavano) on the current season of The Bachelor has been dating someone “on-and-off for two years.”
“We had dinner at Phillipe the other night,” says the alleged boyfriend of the “reality” show contestant.
I’m spending the day with my best friend. Double post tomorrow.
The full-cover photo of Nodar Kumaritashvili’s fatal impact against a pillar on the luge course (DEATH RIDE) has an odd caption: “The shocking death raised fears about an ‘unsafe’ course.”
Um… doesn’t the fact that someone was brutally killed while luging on the Olympic course kind of make it ‘unsafe’ by definition? What are the fears? That what just happened will happen?
If you need more photos of what killed him, pages 4 and 5 have one of him luging, the same photo from the cover, and two more photos of the impact (taken split sceonds later), as well as the ambulance driving away.
This is a very classy newspaper.
St. Vincent’s Hospital has fired 320 employees (10% of its staff).
It begins…
Kim Basinger’s father defends his daughter against Alec Baldwin’s assertions that she’s trying to turn their daughter against him (Kim dad: Alec is so off-base).
Ireland was a great choice for the kid’s name — she will forever have a war raging on her home front.
Someone fatally shot at least five sea lions in Seattle, including one which was endangered (he sure was!).
I bet it was the guy in Seattle who isn’t a hippie.
You’ve come a long way from “Math is hard,” baby.
Barbie’s 125th and 126th occupations were voted on by “the public” (methinks the majority of them were morbidly obese women in Disney sweatchirts) and the winning professions were Computer Engineer and News Anchor.
Ken remains “just some guy.”
An MTA pickup truck (with a raised snowplow hitch) “hit and critically injured a 70-year-old woman” at 4:00 p.m. yesterday at 23rd Street and Second Avenue. She was crossing the street.
In the MTA’s defense, this is the nicest thing they’ve done for New York’s elderly community in the last year.
I think this is a trap.
The airport in Manchester, England has a special offer for male passengers that want to propose to their loved ones, but don’t want to reveal their hidden engagement rings when being screened: Private pre-flight security screenings performed out of the sight of their partners.
“All a traveler has to do is whisper ‘be my Valentine’ to security and he’ll be whisked aside.”
I hope someone tries this in America.
That dead body that was found in the wheel well of a Delta Air Lines plane in Tokyo? He’d been there for almost two months.
Feeling safer? Me, too.
Three-quarters (75%) of the country say they support openly gay people serving in the military.
Or, as the GOP refers to them, “a small group of radicals who think that President TelePrompter is the Messiah 2.0.”
Michelle Malkin? Again? What did I do to deserve this?
“We are not supposed to speak ill of the dead,” is the opening sentence of The Ugly Truth About Jack Murtha. And like many other opening sentences (“I’m not a racist” and “I don’t want to get off on a rant here” immediately come to mind), it is followed by a loooooong contradiction of its sole sentiment.
“…unrepentant smear merchant…” “…corruptocrat…” “…embodied everything that is wrong with Washington…”
So Murtha was behind the GOP promising to filibuster everything in Congress just to make the Democrats look like they aren’t accomplishing anything? What a dick!
It’s a Trap: Jump In is Jonah Goldberg’s latest attempt to out-stupid himself, this time by discussing Obama’s invitation to the GOP to discuss health-care reform in a public dialogue (he does so with flying colors).
“The worst you can say is that it’s a cynical trap, designed to make the GOP look out of touch, ill-informed and ideological.”
If the shoe fits…
“Obama is going to say, ‘nice doggie’ to Republicans right up until the moment he smashes them with a rolled-up 2,000-page health-care bill.”
Which he wouldn’t have to do if the GOP would just stop shitting all over the carpet.
Goldberg also derisively refers to Obama as “Obama the law professor.”
I love how smart is the new stupid.
Frank Thomas (The Big Hurt) is retiring from baseball.
I wonder of he’d be interested in playing for the Nets…
Todd Haynes will direct Kate Winslet as the titular lead in HBO’s 5-hour mini-series adaptation of Mildred Pierce.
Starting March 2nd, TNT will air the remaining six (6) new episodes of Southland. Based on the viewership the episodes get, the show will either be put to sleep or picked up for more.
Please please please watch Southland. Please.
Please.
Real Time with Bill Maher isn’t back yet (that’s next Friday!), but it was nice to see Bill on The Sarah Silverman Program. And it wil be nice to see his new stand-up special (which airs tonight at 10:00 on HBO).
I was planning on a nice, quiet day inside with my wife, but I just found out that one of the guys on Dog Court decided to hop onto the subway tracks to retrieve his bag and was hit by a train (he’s OK, though). So, I’m off to visit him in the hospital.
Maybe I can convince him to sue the MTA…
Have a lovely Saturday and, please, stay off the tracks.
Some somber stories from yesterday:
Fashion designer Alexander McQueen committed suicide.
Bill Clinton had two stents inserted into one of his arteries.
Billboard rated Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” as the sexiest song of all time.
Alec Baldwin’s daughter called 911 and told them her father tried to overdose on pills (though he had just taken an Ambien and now he’s blaming Kim Basinger for convincing their daughter to call 911 and embarrass him less than a month before the Oscars).
All of these stories are, to some degree, tragedies. But the one story in today’s paper that came closest to making me cry was the page 3 piece on what happened to Loretta Long, 71, on Tuesday night (How not to get to Sesame Street).
Loretta (“Susan” on Sesame Street for over 40 years, hence the grating title of the article) was hit by a car as she walked across Route 130 in East Windsor Township, New Jersey. Susan woke up in an ambulance with a fractured leg and head injuries, but she says she’ll be OK.
Get well soon, Loretta. And thanks again for helping me learn while my mom cooked.
Over two-thirds of the 400 New York City residents that BrickUnderground.com polled say they regularly hear their neighbors “doing it,” but only 14% say they’ve actually complained to the neighbors or the building management.
Polls are fantastic.
“A judge could rule as early as next week whether the state Senate had the power to boot Hiram Monserrate.”
Don’t you dare fuck this up, Judge William Pauley III.
The West Yorkshire Police in England have charged a 33-year-old woman with stabbing a man in the eye with her stiletto heel. They had both been in a cab when they started arguing and she kicked him. In the eye. With her stiletto heel.
Somehow, the man is in stable condition. The woman, however, is profoundly unstable.
There was an explosion in Chelsea yesterday morning when an underground Con Ed transformer burst into flames, sending an “eight-story fireball” into the air at 645 Sixth Avenue (on the corner of West 20th Street).
No one was hurt — luckily the closest store was a Radio Shack (641 A Sixth Avenue).
Con Ed does fine work. So glad they’re raising their rates every year for (at least) the next three years.
HA!
On Page Six (today on page 12), there’s this hilarious cartoon of Al Gore shoveling snow in front of the “Global Warming Institute” (which is closed) and he’s cursing and the title of the cartoon is an inconvenient truth 2!
The cartoon’s right. If global warming was real, there would never be cold! Al Gore is a liar.
Dennis Hopper has been granted a restraining order against his current wife.
This is going to be an awkward Valentine’s Day.
Q: Why Did Kurt Cobain commit suicide?
A:
Lindsay Lohan was going to get $150,000 to go to the Vienna Opera Ball with an old billionaire and hang out for a few hours. Sadly, she missed her flight because she was shopping.
Remember when she made movies for a living? Me neither.
Is Cindy Adams whoring herself out for a bagel?
“Sunday’s Valentine’s Day. Take your beloved to lunch. If you’re belovedless, take somebody else. Anybody. With a fresh bagel and cream cheese, you could even get me.”
I just imagined Cindy Adams eating a bagel and cream cheese and I can’t stop dry heaving.
Has Iran made a giant leap forward in uranium enrichment?
No. They’re bluffing. That’s why they “disconnected” from Google and other various Internet services.
If Iran had a big bad weapon, you think they’d hide it from their enemies? Or would they wave it around like a tough guy?
Rachael Ray’s pit bull bit the ear off of another dog on February 1st.
Will he have to be put to sleep by the authorities?
And will they put Rachael Ray to sleep, too? Please?
Shouting For Huey Meat and Two Veg (sorry, Ralph Peters) insists that Iran now has nuclear missiles and they will use them sooner rather than later.
Gee, I hope this doesn’t hurt sales of Ralph’s new book, Endless War, which is currently available for pre-order.
People writing in to defend Sarah Palin? But of course!
“If she had used a piece of paper, [Robert Gibbs] wouldn’t have had anything to say, and it was a mere six words used as a reminder,” says the dim Maureen Parker of Brooklyn, who later spells TelePrompter wrong.
Steve Becker of East Meadow has decided to start his own completely baseless rumor about Palin, also spelling TelePrompter wrong. “Palin’s teleprompter went out once during the run-up to the election, and she completed the speech without incident, because she had it memorized.” And then this one time? She solved the country’s job crisis? But the fatcats and Marxists wouldn’t let her fix it?
And Joseph O’Keefe of Manhattan incorrecty insists that “If Palin were a Democrat, the liberal media would love her.”
Uh… if she were a Democrat, she would believe the polar opposite of every part of her current platform and she probably wouldn’t use God as as much of a crutch as she currently does, you betcha.
Bill O’Reilly writes about his “special Valentine” who is a 10-year-old girl that I’m fairly certain Bill made up (My Wired Valentine). Excerpts don’t do this rambling indictment of the nation’s children justice, so read the whole thing here (though it’s called My Special Valentine on his website).
Movie Reviews!
Kyle Smith gives The Wolfman two and a half stars (“Wolfman not big or bad enough”) and calls the titular character “this Chia Pet Incredible Hulk.”
Lou Lumenick gives Valentine’s Day zero stars (“Heart-shaped pox”), and two stars to Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (“More myths than hits in ungodly Greek stew”).
Evander Holyfield’s wife took out a restraining order against her husband, claiming that he hit her several times.
This is going to be an awkward Valentine’s Day.
The New York Giants have let Antonio Pierce go.
They just keep making it easier for me to never care about them again! Thanks, Big Blue!
Three-day weekend! Yayz!
Stay warm, peeps.
FEDS SADDLE UP tells the story of the federal investigation into Paterson’s Aqueduct deal currently under way. As well as the investigations into NOAH-F and Larry Seabrook.
Paterson, meanwhile, is attacking The New York Times for their negative portrayal(s) of him.
“I’ve been depicted in a way that’s been racialized, sexualized — hypersexualized — and dissolute.”
Poor “Governor” Paterson.
B’also? “Federal prosecutors have opened an investigation into how the city’s Board of Elections awarded a $50 million contract for electronic voting machines, The Post has learned.”
Is there such a thing as an honest politician anymore? Was there ever?
17 inches.
That’s what parts of NYC got yesterday. Teresa had a snow day (she worked, but from home) and I had my evening rehearsal cancelled, so we spent the evening watching what might be one of the worst movies ever made (if you ever see the DVD of iMurders, smash it to pieces and run away — if I had known that my friend’s role was two lines of dialogue and 5 seconds of screen time, I would have never gotten beyond the first 10 minutes). Even crappy movies are fun to watch with Teresa, though. She makes me to laugh.
The next four days are supposed to be snow-free, though. So… yay for that.
Illinois got hit by a 3.8 earthquake yesterday.
Some of my friends in Chiacgo felt it, as did people in parts of Iowa and Michigan.
Apocalypto is less than three years away!
Hiram Monserrate is going to court today (it was closed yesterday) to try and get a restraining order against the Senate, which would prevent them from expelling him from the Senate.
Good luck with that, Hiram.
In a survey of matrimonial lawyers, 81% say they’ve seen a spike in the use of “social-networking information as evidence of infidelity.”
Meaning people are finding out about affairs by looking at their spouses’ Facebook, MySpace and/or Twitter accounts.
We are a nation of idiots.
Holy shit!
The Village Paper Party Store on West 10th Street in Greenwich Village was completely destroyed by a fire yesterday morning.
I used to go to All-You-Can-Eat Sushi Night at the Japanese place next door at least once a month when I lived in the neighborhood. And I once bought fake poo and a birthday card there.
Rest in peace, Village Paper Party Store.
John Mayer has apologized for using the word “nigger” in his recent Playboy interview.
He did not apologize, however, for equating his penis to a White supremacist (in explaining why he doesn’t date Black women) and for saying Jessica Simpson “is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.”
Also, please come see my new improv team “Napalm, Sexual Napalm” at the Magnet tonight!
John Edwards proposed to Rielle Hunter.
Awwwww. That’s so romantic.
Unless you know who they are.
Fun fact: Rielle Hunter also had an affair with Jeff Goldblum — and made him believe her child was his!
Oh, Page Six (today on page 19), you’re the greatest.
Scientists have mapped the DNA of a man who lived in Greenland 4,000 years ago.
Which is weird, because I didn’t think the world was that old.
Mandrea!
She tears into Tiger Woods (in two separate pieces — 12-SHTUP FRAUDS [David Letterman is also a victim here] and Does Tiger still got that swing?) for claiming sex addiction is a legitimate malady; Michelle Obama (Fat is in the fire for Michelle) for her “bipolar bid to make your kids thin”; Janet Napolitano “who only just added the word ‘terrorist’ to her vocabulary” (O’s terror team in the twilight zone) and, most appropriately, Valentine’s Day (Valentine’s gives me a ♥ attack).
“So turned off am I to the commercially canned words of love that pop out of every store, bodega and boutique around Valentine’s Day, my husband is more likely to get a fight than a hug. But if he, for one moment, fails to bring me my slippers and a martini, he’s a dead man.”
So… you hate the holiday for being fake, but demand that your (poor, poor) husband observe the fake sentiment of the holiday? By constantly bringing you slippers and martinis? You man-faced doofus?
Stairs.
New York Post editorials are generally awful, but Talk to the Hand is worse than I expected.
“Say one thing for White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs: The hypocrite’s got chutzpah. Too bad he’s so dumb.”
“Gibbs is a guy who works for a fellow who can’t order breakfast without the assistance of a TelePrompter.”
Boy, they sure zinged Gibbs and that colored fella.
I wonder if they’ll ever do an editorial about the Saudi prince who owns 7% of News Corp. You know, Prince Alwaleed bin Talal? The guy who gave $25,000 to each of the families of the 9/11 hijackers? Yeah, he owns 7% of Fox News.
Prolly not. Which is hypocritical chutzpah at its finest.
Nice article on page 43 about how “Investigative reporter Gerald Posner and Tina Web site Brown’s The Daily Beast have parted ways” (can you find the error that the chimpanzee editors missed?).
Fun fact: Johnny Damon turned down a 2-year/$14,000,000 contract from the Yankees. He (and his asshole agent) insisted that he was worth more. Now the Atlanta Braves have offered Damon a one-year contract. Damon wants two.
Is Johnny Damon becoming Mike Piazza 2.0?
In other former Yankee news, the Nationals and the Dodgers are the lead contenders for Chien-Ming Wang.
And in former basketball team news, The Quest For Five Wins continues as the Nets lost (by 20 points!) to Milwaukee last night. They are now 4-48 (7.7%).
Wow. They might get 50 losses before they get 5 wins.
Page 77 has four photos illustrating Rex Ryan’s removal of a hockey jersey, which resulted in people seeing his grotesquely enormous belly.
Thanks, Post.
And now I must away, as I am supposed to have lunch with a Mr. Kulhan, a Mr. Ranson and a Mrs. Mason.
Stay warm and I’ll see yez all tomorrow.
Last night, the state Senate voted to expel Hiram Monserrate from their ranks.
That’s one.
“Sen. Ruben Diaz Sr. (D-Bronx) suggested he might make good on his threat to leave the Democratic conference because of the action against Monserrate, an ally and a fellow Puerto Rican.”
That’d be two.
Ain’t progress grand?
But today’s front page news (Hiram’s on page 3) is how Bronx City Councilman Larry Seabrook has been hit with a 13-count federal indictment — they say he has stolen $1,200,000 from taxpayers. One of the (smaller) examples is the headline: $177 BAGEL (he doctored a receipt so that the $7.00 charge became $177.00).
I’m actually more concerned with the initial $7.00 charge (what did he get on it? Gold?). Never mind — it was a sammich.
The rest of the $1,199,833 came from kickbacks (like $50,000 from the boiler company that he helped award the Yankee Stadium contract), funneling money to his girlfriend’s “non-profit” organizations ($300,000 to provide mentoring and training to minorities to help them join the NYPD — which they actually did), and other par-for-the-course shenanigans.
Politics, especially the local kind, infuriate me.
But just when you think they’re all rotten…
…City Hall declared yesterday Alligators in the Sewers Day, commemorating the 75th anniversary of the urban legend.
Your tax dollars at rest.
The guy who secretly videotaped Erin Andrews through a hotel door’s peephole had 16 other victims he did the same (or similar) things to.
He could have gotten up to five years in prison. He is expected to get a 27-month sentence.
Why does this country hate women and children so much?
Lil Wayne was supposed to start his one-year jail sentence yesterday, but he got a one-month reprieve so that he can “finish up some major dental surgery.”
“This was an ongoing course of treatment involving bone grafts,” said Stacey Richman (his attorney).
And by bone grafts, she means bling.
The Post congratulates the president of the Toyota Motor Corp. for bowing at a 60º angle yesterday, as opposed to his previous 40º angle (TOYODA’S NEW LOW).
See what they did there?
Michael Goodwin is excrementastic.
For the teeny Farewell, Murtha, he writes only: “Mother always cautioned against speaking ill of the dead, so I will say nothing about Pennsylvania Congressman John Murtha.”
What a dick. He also credits Obama with being the sole reason “three-quarters of the public are angry at government.”
“If he were a Republican, the liberal media would be calling him the Great Divider instead of the Great Uniter. Double standard? You betcha!”
There’s more, but I’m tired of reading this ass-clown’s partisan whining.
More space is given to Robert Gibbs’ mocking of Sarah Palin than was given to Sarah Palin for having to read “Energy” off her hand during a Q & A at a convention for the mentally handicapped (Bam’s ham is heavy handed).
Was Gibbs’ joke funny (he wrote a shopping list for pancakes and “hope” and “change” on his hand)? Not really. Was it as frightening as what Palin needed to do? Not by a mile.
Paul Anka’s wife got a temporary restraining order against him last week, claiming he pulled a gun on her and threatened to kill her and her nanny (why does Paul Anka’s wife need a nanny?).
(the nanny is for the 4-year-old that the 68-year-old Anka had with the woman almost half his age)
Anka claims she’s lying and “needs medical help.”
It’s like the story of Phil Spector and the story of Anna Nicole Smith had a story-baby!
Rachel Uchitel (Tiger Woods’ Mistress #1, for those keeping score) was interviewed by Mario Lopez last night on Extra.
The producers were “so impressed” that she will become a “special correspondent” for the awful TV show.
Maybe she can interview Ashley Dupre!
The Asians of Atlanta are angry. The city’s rail agency recently renamed the line that runs through the heart of their community “the yellow line.”
As a make-good, the city announced that they will offer the Asian community a special discount program wherein a purchase of six tickets will get you eggroll.
The guy in charge of dispersing the money raised by NOAH-F had his New York law license revoked in 2002 “after a string of improprieties” including withholding information and lying to a judge in open court when he was an ADA.
He also had his Washington, D.C. law license revoked.
Claude N. Stuart, 48, ladies and gentlemen.
E.J. McMahon & Nicole Gelinas offer Derailing New York: MTA may sink whole state and it’s worth a read.
They’re war criminals, I tells ya.
Three idiots wrote letters to the Post to explain why they, too, are outraged that Rahm Emanuel called people “retarded.”
Even though he didn’t (he said “retards”).
Take a bow, Oren M. Spiegler, J. O’Brien and Ellen Danzis. You’re all retarded.
And not one of them mentioned Rush Limbaugh.
Michelle Malkin is back, screaming at Obama for being something or other.
If you can get a copy of the paper, check page 33. Is it just me or is her left eye getting larger and moving farther away from her nose?
The Quest For Five Wins continues tonight as the 4-47 Nets (7.8%) face Milwaukee (23-27, 46%).
OK. I have to brave the snowy snows to coach, then make a doctor’s appointment back in Brooklyn, then go back to Manhattan for an evening of coaching.
Pray for me.
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