Archive for March, 2010
Sorry, I misread the headline again. It actually says BULL SIT! and it is regarding the “big federal grant” that “state education officials lost out on” because they admitted that “they’d have used a $200,000 chunk of it for expensive new desks and chairs — not for the kids in ramshackle classrooms, but for their own offices.” The grant they’re referring to is the “Race to the Top” and, of the 16 states that reached the finals, New York placed 15th.
South Carolina and Texas tied for 51st.
Also on the cover is Inside story: The bad boys who led Tiger astray. When you turn to pages 10 and 11, there’s a two-page full-color shot of Loredana Jolie Ferriolo lying naked on a bed, surrounded by issues of the Post with Woods on the cover. Nothing wakes me up in the morning like naked whore ass.
The bad boys the headline refers to are Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley. This is according to the “explosive new interview” with Tiger’s “long-time former adviser” (John Merchant) in the new Vanity Fair. The story continues on page 24. And thank God! Because I really wanted to read more quotes from the skanks Woods slept with over the years (can you believe he made Jamie Jungers fly coach when he’d fly her out for sex!?!).
In 2009, New York City’s 311 line received 224 calls for every 100 residents (NY’s winning at whining).
Comparatively, Pittsburgh’s got 16 for every 100 residents. But the winner is San Francisco’s 311 — they got 446 calls for every 100 residents. Their most common complaint? “This brunch is far from adorable.”
As if naked whore ass wasn’t enough, page 3 is a full-color photo (from this week’s Us Weekly) of Sandra Bullock’s husband (Jesse James) with that SS hat, using two of his left hand’s fingers to fashion a Hitler mustache and raising his right arm in a “sieg heil” salute.
Us also has the scoop on a foursome that James had with Michelle McGee, Eric McDougall (who is quoted as saying, “[Sandra] should definitely get tested for HIV and STDs — I would.”) and (I swear I’m not making this up) Skittles Valentine.
Bombshell McGee and Skittles Valentine: The stripperiest names I’ve heard in years (though I will always have a fondness for April Chest).
Michael Jackson’s father “intends to file a wrongful-death lawsuit” against his son’s doctor in the next few weeks.
He would also like to know if you are finished with that sandwich.
Central Park got 10.65 inches of rain this March, making it the wettest March in New York’s history.
Wettest March is another great stripper name.
The law that forces adult video and bookstores to have 60% of their stock be non-pornographic (if you ever have some time to kill, check out the non-porn shelves in these places — they’re so half-assed it’s hilarious) might be getting revoked because a judge feels that many of these shops are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” that only pretend to be non-adult.
Well… yeah — they have to, it’s the law!
A 23-year-old Texan jumped from the 86th floor observation deck of the Empire State Building yesterday.
Despite his belt buckle taking the brunt of the impact, he did not survive the fall.
Michael Goodwin’s blatherings are, as per usual, worthless. But he does provide a quote from the ex-wife of the “Christian” man (David Stone) charged with planning to kill a random policeman and then blow up the funeral (I hadn’t heard that detail before).
“It started out as a Christian thing. You go to church. You pray. You take care of your family. I think David started to take it a little too far.”
But only a little.
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Ashley Dupre was at the Pajamas and Lingerie Party at the Playboy Mansion last weekend “in a bathrobe on the arm of a mystery man.”
That’s a strong guy!
(b’also, he should get tested)
Andrew 9iu11ani (son of Rudy 9iu11ani) was suing Duke for kicking him off their golf team. A judge just threw the case out of court.
I wonder if he knows that his father once married his cousin.
The good news: There are security cameras at 30 subway stations in Manhattan.
The bad news: None of them record video.
The MTA, ladies and gentlemen.
Two men knocked a woman unconscious and then raped her on a bench in Jackson Square Park on West Fourth Street — at 11:35 a.m. on Monday.
A witness called police and the men were immediately apprehended.
Still, that’s a nice area and for something like that to happen (in broad daylight, no less!) is jarring.
Cameron’s dad’s car from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is being auctioned off next month. It is “fully drivable” and is expected to fetch between $45,000 and $60,000.
Baump baump. Chick. Chicka-chicka.
The staffer who charged $1,946 to the Republican National Committee (for a “lunch” at a bondage club in Hollywood) has been fired.
For some reason, Michael Steele still has a job, though.
Thieves recently tunneled into a Credit Lyonnais bank in Paris, making off with almost 200 safety-deposit boxes. Well done!
Stateside, Patricia Edwards, 51, was walking down the street when she decided to rob a bank. “There was no plan, nothing — just impulse. I just walked by. I said, ‘I’m gonna go in there.’” She handed the teller a note, got some cash and spent three days on the run before being caught. When asked by the police why she did it, she answered that robbing a bank was on her “bucket list. I think everyone should have a list of things they want to do before they expire.” Not well done!
Jonah Goldberg asks Who’s Doing the Fearmongering Here?
“And videos make it clear that what Cleaver called spitting was a protester spraying too much saliva while talking.” Really? I watched the tape, too. The protester’s hands covered his mouth so you can’t say either way whether he purposely spit or not. And all of the other excuses offered (“a few repugnant signs”… “the coffin was part of a protest over the death of ‘our freedoms’”… “Democrats and their media transmission belt… largely ignored partisan vandalism and extremist rhetoric against Republicans for eight years”) cement Goldberg’s reputation as a moron. He feigns outrage at something written on The Daily Beast (whatever that is) about how a militia leader (Mike Vanderboegh) calling for “sons of liberty” to smash Democrats’ windows has “parallels, intentional or not, to the Nazis’ heinous 1938 Kristallnacht.” Goldberg says that suggesting that “cheapens the moral horror of the Holocaust.”
Jonah Goldberg, as I mentioned earlier, is a moron.
Pulino’s Bar and Pizzeria stole my idea.
Their breakfast pizza contains sausage, bacon, mozzarella, cheddar and eggs.
Bastards.
Pete Hammond is back!
In an ad for the new Miley Cyrus movie (The Last Song), he calls it “AN UNFORGETTABLE, TOUCHING AND WONDERFUL MOVIE.”
Lou Lumenick reviews the film on the next page and gives it zero stars (“And hopefully Miley’s last movie.”).
Welcome back, Pete!
The first episode of Sarah Palin’s Real American Stories will air tomorrow night on Fox News. Her guests will include Toby Keith and LL Cool J. The former was already on my ignore list, the latter was just added.
Linda Stasi reviews A&E’s Fugitive Chronicles. “The result is a terrific package — built around some incredibly frustrating and horrific tales, and even some inadvertently funny ones.”
Three stars.
Oh! I almost forgot! On March 25th, Stasi ripped the TV movie Amish Grace for “creating lead characters who were never there because they don’t exist.” On March 28th, in an interview in the Post’s TV Week, the movie’s executive producer explained that “In dramatizing it, it was important to see [the events] through the eyes of a character. We couldn’t base it on a real Amish character — because of their beliefs they cannot be portrayed in the media — so we created a character who, we feel, takes the audience through this emotional arc in a way that’s very real and understandable, yet at the same time protects the privacy of the Amish.”
Keep up the horrible work, Linda!
New Modern Family on tonight. And a new South Park.
Everything’s comin’ up Milhouse!
Happy Hump Day, ever’buddy!
Full-page photo on today’s front cover of an NYPD officer decked out in “Counter Assault” gear (complete with M16 assault rifle) freaking out commuters on a subway train (MACHINE GUN KELLY: NYPD chief orders subway firepower). See, (at least) 38 people were killed at two Moscow subway stations by two female suicide bombers early yesterday morning. So the NYPD is stepping up their presence in our subways.
Does it matter that the women were (most likely) members of a terrorist group that vowed revenge on the Russian government for killing their leader, Sayid Buryatsky? And that the other 28 members of that group who were trained by Buryatsky have vowed to continue to strike Russia (and not Manhattan)?
Maybe the beefed-up security will help save the life of the next drunken moron that throws trash at people with knives?
Ricky Martin has announced that he’s gay, leading millions to ask, “Who was Ricky Martin?”
The rest of Menudo could not be reached until they finish restocking the Fritos.
I hope that the wind and rain (which helped destroy yet another of our umbrellas this morning) doesn’t delay my mother’s flight tonight. I was at my folks’ place yesterday and my father is barely surviving on dry cereal and rain water.
Lindsey DeLeon claims that Robert Brot didn’t try to save her from a life of prostitution — he’s the one who made introduced her to it! She claims that, after they “met” on Sugardaddie.com (um, red flag?), he became her pimp and posted ads online to get her customers.
This story just keeps getting better!
A copy of Action Comics #1 sold yesterday for $1,500,000.
I have high hopes for my 30 copies of Spawn #1.
Mayor Bloomberg is against the legalization of marijuana because “it may very well lead to greater use of stronger drugs.”
Like alcohol.
Health no! Poll raps reform plan is the headline. The first sentence is “Nearly half of Americans want to repeal the health-care-reform law signed by President Obama last week, according to a poll released yesterday.”
The second sentence is “The CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey found that 47 percent of voters support overturning most or all of the major changes.”
The third sentence is “Fifty percent would either leave the law as it is or support more extensive government-run reforms.”
I guess the headline More Americans like reform plan than don’t wouldn’t fit.
In June 2006, cabby Hassan Afzal was driving four passengers on the West Side Highway. He was (and is) epileptic, but decided weeks earlier to stop taking his anti-seizure medication. He had a seizure and crashed the car, killing Danielle Ricco, 21, and injuring Anna Sallustio, 20 (shattered leg and pelvis), her sister Enza Sallustio, 25 (two-week coma from head injuries), and Amy Vallarelli, 25 (fractured pelvis, shattered femur), who is finally able to walk unassisted (almost four years later).
For years, Afzal insisted that faulty brakes were to blame, but he finally admitted that it was an epileptic seizure that caused the crash. And that he had lied on numerous licensing forms over the years to get and keep his job.
He just struck a no-jail plea deal and was sentenced to “five years’ probation for criminally negligent homicide.”
Whither justice?
Phoebe Prince, 15, was always being picked on at her high school (South Hadley HS in Northampton, Massachusetts) from the first day she arrived (she moved to the town last summer from Ireland). Not just picked on, but “a nearly three-month campaign of verbally assaultive behavior and threats of physical harm” that was “designed to humiliate her and to make it impossible for her to remain at school.” She was also harassed on Facebook and “in other electronic forms.”
Phoebe hung herself in January. Now, nine students are facing criminal charges in her death.
I’d imagine that most, if not all, of those students are Red Sox fans.
I’m on page 19 and I’ve already seen 8 full-page ads for Macy’s.
More fun with polls!
According to a 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair phone poll, 50% of Americans would be OK with a gay president and “even more said they’d support a gay Miss America or NFL quarterback.”
How many? “Even more.”
No more specifics are offered. That’s just how the Post rolls.
According to Page Six (today on page 20), Heather Mills’ former nanny (she nannied Mills’ daughter, not Mills) has come forward to tell anyone who will listen that Mills was “rude” and “horrible” to her when she was in her employ.
In other news, the sky is above us, water is wet and Ricky Martin is gay.
Mischa Barton was seen vomiting outside a bar in L.A. this weekend.
She’s terrific.
I promise I’m not asking this sarcastically.
How is it possible to have a “Christian militia group” waging war against the federal government? And ploting to kill a random police officer to start that war?
I’m no Christian, but isn’t there something in that book they like so much about not murdering the innocent? Or loving their fellow man? I mean, at what point do you have to remove “Christian” from your militia’s title? And will someone in the Christian hierarchy come forward to denounce this group’s actions?
I just don’t understand.
It’s all over.
The Nets won again last night, making them 10-64 (13.5%).
Congratulations, Nets. You’re not the all-time worst. But you’re still remarkably terrible.
The Yankees might be sending Pat Venditte to the mound today. Pat is expected to start in the Yankees’ Double-A system this season. But Pat is unlike any othr pitcher in any other system.
He uses a six-fingered baseball glove with two thumb holes. Is he a mutant? Kind of. He’s a “switch-pitcher” — he can pitch with either hand.
Because of Pat, a new rule was enacted which states that he has to tell the umpire which hand he’ll use before he pitches to each batter.
He was 4-2 with 22 saves and a 1.87 ERA for Single-A Charleston and Single-A Tampa in 49 games last year.
Remember his name.
Mark Teixeira was hit by a pitch yesterday, bruising his right elbow.
Doctors said nothing is broken and he should be fine in a few days.
Opening Day is Sunday in Boston.
I am giddy with excitement.
Linda Stasi absolutely adores True Crime with Aphrodite Jones and she calls this Thursday’s episode (focusing on Phil Spector) “like hitting the lottery on your birthday.”
She gives it three stars.
Seriously.
If you like laughing at stupid people, tune in to MTV tonight at 7:00 for 16 & Pregnant. That’s followed at 8:00 by 16 & Pregnant. At 9:00, there’s 16 & Pregnant, which is followed at 10:00 by an all-new episode of 16 & Pregnant. You know what’s on at 11:00? 16 & Pregnant.
Music Television, ladies and gentlemen.
It sounds like it has stopped raining. Time to go grocery shopping (while I still have a bus to take me to the store).
Stay dry, kids. And classy.
Sorry, I misread the headline. It’s actually SUBWAY SLAUGHTER. Apparently, ten (10) pals boarded a 2 train at 5:00 a.m. yesterday morning at 42nd and 7th. “One of the men had a bag of trash and tossed it out the door as the train stopped at 14th Street,” according to another of the men (Brian Woods, 24). “The trash struck one of four men boarding the train at that stop — and he pulled a knife.”
Woods claims that his group apologized profusely “but they took it as an insult. They came at us with knives.”
Two of the ten were killed, another was wounded in the arm and neck.
Here’s an idea: Don’t throw bags of trash out of a subway car. There are garbage cans in every station. And if, due to some mental deficiency or dementia, you decide that you have to do it, wait for the large men boarding the train to move out of the way. Did any of these people deserve to be stabbed (let alone murdered)? Of course not. But I can understand why they were.
Is Governmental Employees Chairman Peter Abbate (D – Brooklyn) really introducing a bill that would give all public workers the same “rubber room” protection that teachers currently have? Is he insane?
It’s the Post, so you have to take everything with a wheelbarrow of salt, but if this is true, I’m flabbergasted.
Michelle “B0mbshell” McGee’s father told reporters that his daughter is “in seclusion right now in San Diego.”
“But then,” he added, “I repeat myself.”
Oh, hello, article on the Pope! DOLAN FROND OF POPE (see what they did there?) is the (heavily re-written) print version of the article I read online yesterday. Dolan is quoted here as saying, “The dramatic progress that the Catholic Church in the United States has made… could never have happened without the insistence and support of the very man now being daily crowned with thorns by groundless innuendo.”
Oh, that poor former Nazi. I hope he gets through this OK.
O needs Dustbuster is a nice page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is on page 14 today) story that points out that the helicopter that brought Obama to the Bagram Air Base (for a surprise visit with our troops) also “stirred up the chalky desert topsoil while he was boarding, leaving him coated in powder.”
How do I go about nominating S.A. Miller for a Pulitzer?
National Grid is accused of stealing millions of dollars from Con Ed customers “in a complex price-fixing scheme” that cost NYC residents an average of $40 each (for a total of $157,000,000). They are being asked to pay a $12,000,000 fine by the Justice Department and they think that’s fair.
Now that’s what I call justice.
The Bounty Hunter came in fourth place at this weekend’s box office, bringing the total domestic gross to just over $1,000,000 less than its production budget ($38,812,000 / $40,000,000). Even if you add foreign box office (under $7,500,000), it still hasn’t reached my predicted total. Perhaps I was too kind?
Alexander Clement, 68, and Christine Clement, 64, have been arrested for buying Jell-O pudding, removing the bags of pudding and replacing them with bags of sand, resealing the boxes and returning them for a full refund.
Teresa! They stole our idea!
Is there anything sweeter than the six words that appear on page 16?
On vacation
* Andrea Peyser
* Cindy Adams
Lindsey DeLeon, the alleged lying whore (the lying is alleged, but she’s totes a prozzie), was allegedly engaged to Colton Braig, 26, while she allegedly strung along Robert Brot, 67.
Her parents (and her kids) must be so allegedly proud.
Kathryn Erbe, of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, has been stalked by Charles Nagel, 36, for some time now. He was caught by police and arrested on Tuesday in Philadelphia, where he performed under the stage name Chaz Rose.
$20 says Dick Wolf has at least one episode “ripped from this headline” by the end of the year.
Prez ripped on ’sneaky’ pick throws up its hands in outrage at Obama’s recess appointments of 15 people. Senator Lamar Alexander responded by screeching, “What the president has done is throw fuel on the fire at a time when the debate about politics is a very angry debate to begin with.”
Guess how many recess appointments George W. Bush made in his first seven years in office. Go on, guess. I’ll give you a hint: Clinton made 139 in eight years. Give up?
171.
When Bush suggested a recess appointment for John Bolton, John McCain said, “I would support it. It’s the president’s prerogative.” And what does the bitter old fart have to say about Obama’s recess appointments? That he’s “very disappointed” and that the Obama administration has “little respect for the time honored constitutional roles and procedures of Congress” and that they have once again “forced their will on the American people.”
Alexander has the audacity to claim that Obama is “throw[ing] fuel on the fire” by doing the same (perfectly legal) thing Bush and Clinton did? Then what does he call what McCain is doing? Also, the reason Obama HAD to do this is because the GOP has made it clear that they will obstruct any and every little bit of political minutiae they can. These appointments had been unnecessarily delayed for months, with no end in sight.
Despicable.
First Ramel Green, 23, beat his girlfriend’s 22-month-old to death on March 20th. Then Allen Shannon, 27, was charged with the beating death of a 19-month-old girl in Corona.
Now comes the story of 9-month-old Neveah Jackson, whose father is being held “for further investigation.” She died of “blunt-impact injuries to the head” and had “skull fractures and brain injuries.”
What is going on? Why are people in New York City killing babies with such great frequency?
I blame Socialism.
There’s a nice photo on page 26 of MTA boss Jay Walder riding the W train.
I’m so glad he got a chance to ride it once before it goes away forever.
The Chinese have purchased Volvo for $1,800,000,000.
I assume they’ll be changing the name.
If RadioShack gets bought, the current CEO stands to make $93,000,000.
I don’t understand why RadioShack still exists.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame (Jersey Shame?) threw out the first pitch at a Mets game last week.
Know your audience, as they say.
The only theater in New York City currently scheduled to screen the NCAA Final Four games in 3-D is the Pavilion in Park Slope. Tickets are $25. To watch a basketball game in 3-D.
Anyone else think that’s ridiculous?
Michael Starr reports that Rip Taylor is slated for Joe Franklin’s WBBR show next month.
I know what most of those words mean. Keep up the great work, Michael!
Linda Stasi gives tomorrow night’s The Real Face of Jesus? four stars and ends her review with, “Startling — and definitely better than the images of surfer Jesus on those back scratchers.”
Has anyone ever seen Cindy Adams and Linda Stasi in the same place, at the same time?
House is still in repeats. This is unacceptable. But I am powerless to change it. Sigh.
Try to stay dry, kids.
SATURDAY IN BRIEF
Compared to the 2009 numbers, murders are up 22%, shootings are up 21.2%, rapes are up 11.3%, felony assaults are up 6% and burglaries are up 3.6%. Let’s hear it for New York!
The Uma Thurman movie Motherhood opened in London, England last weekend. It grossed $131.00. On Sunday, one ticket (costing $13 — almost 10% of its total box office) was sold. When she heard the news, the film’s producer (Jana Edelbaum) said, “It’s a very decent movie. I’ve seen movies that are not half as good.” Luckily, the filmmakers left room for a sequel.
Dr. Leslie Vosshall spent five years in New York City studying which smells “up to 500 volunteers” liked and disliked. Their favorite was vanilla, their least favorite was sweaty socks and the consensus was that buttered popcorn smells “pretty unpleasant” (which I find pretty ridiculous).
The New York Times claims that “Governor” Paterson gave his press secretary “key points” to include in a press release about “the dispute between David Johnson and Sherr-una Booker last Oct. 31 — including that it was not violent.” Oof.
Gilbert Arenas was sentenced to “two years’ supervised probation and a 30-day stay at a halfway house” for threatening his teammate last December. Sigh.
Page Six (today on page 10) reports that George Michael was “trolling on the men-only Web site Grindr under the name ‘Back for Wood.’” I was not aware that he ever took a break from wood.
Chloe Sevigny claims that her criticisms of Big Love were not how she really felt. “I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying… sometimes things slip out that you don’t mean, and I obviously didn’t mean what I said in an way, shape or form.” Obviously.
Sarah Palin has started stumping for John McCain (she must feel like McCain felt when he stumped for Bush, if she’s at all capable of feeling). “Everyone here supporting John McCain, we are all part of that Tea Party movement,” she told a rally of people who frighten me.
Detectives have uncovered “dozens of tubes of skin-whitening cream in Michael Jackson’s home.” Quelle surprise.
The first male prostitute at the Shady Lady Ranch in Nevada is quitting. Markus (who was ridiculed by an ugly woman who writes for the Post) brought in less than 10 clients since he began hooking in January. Shady Lady has already replaced him with a Las Vegas man who calls himself Y. Not. Why not indeed.
Just before he died in 1985, Orson Welles yelled at someone for pouring a glass of milk the wrong way or coughing incorrectly. But before that, he recorded narration for a children’s movie called Christmas Tails (“It’s a movie about how Santa’s dog saves Christmas”). It’s being made into a 3-D movie. I can’t wait. And by can’t I mean can.
Mayor Bloomberg on the recent slashing of bus and subway lines by the MTA: “This is just the beginning. The next round, I would think, would be much worse.” Fantastic. On a side note, there were no express trains on the red line today, so I took a 1 train from 14th Street to Columbia University… until it decided to become a 2 train and take me to 110th and Central Park North. I had just enough time to find a cab to get me to rehearsal on time (goodbye, $8!). Coming home, I took a 1 to 14th Street where I found out there were no Brooklyn-bound F trains stopping there. So I waited for an F to take me to 34th Street and then waited for an F to take me home (total round-trip commute: 3.5 hours). The MTA is despicable.
Does this infuriate you like it infuriates me? Saverio Todaro, 67, made a plea deal that has a “recommended sentence of 51 to 63 months.” What did he admit to? “Filing hundreds of phony reports that certified city buildings as toxin-free” (he owns a lead- and asbestos-inspection company). I recommend that the judge ignore the recommendation and sentence this scumbag to die in a cell (preferably one with questionable insulation).
David Paul Kuhn writes an editorial called Why Democrats Are Losing White Men and explains that the (alleged) mass exodus “could well lead to a GOP landslide on a scale not seen since 1994.” He sure does seem to know a lot about White folks (for a Kuhn).
Starting in June, News Corp. will charge $1.48 (1 pound) for one-day access to The Times (and The Sunday Times) in the UK, or $2.96 (2 pounds) for a full week of access. My guess (/hope)? It will be a spectacular failure.
Marianna Pasternak writes in her new book that, during a dinner she attended with Martha Stewart and Sam Waskal, “I see Martha make a fist, with her index finger extended, and her hand suddenly goes straight into the front of the man’s pants, and she poked it, and she says, ‘And how is that?!’ And the man turns to me and says, ‘Did you see what she just did?’ I was going to laugh, but at the same time I felt so sorry for the poor man. Sam immediately said, ‘Martha, girls don’t poke, they stroke.’” And that’s a good thing.
Joe Nathan (of the Twins) had Tommy John surgery and will miss the entire season.
The Nets won. They are now 9-63. Bastards. They can’t even be the worst correctly. Fun fact: For the first time this season, they won two games in a row.
Don Johnson is expected to return to TV in a new sitcom called Southern Discomfort. He will play “a tough, hardcore conservative Texan whose life is turned upside down when his grown kids move back in.” I’m already pre-emptively changing the channel.
Linda Stasi on the new TV show Victorious: “There is a huge amount of over-acting, corny dialogue and a terribly terribly, [sic] loud laugh-track.” She gives it three stars. Seriously.
SUNDAY IN BOXERS
Three things litter today’s cover: Mike Bloomberg dressed as a hippie (Groovy Bloomy!), a young lady (who isn’t Ashley Dupre!) dressed like a whore (Would you let your daughter go to prom in THIS!?), and PETTY WOMAN (with a photo of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman), the story of a man who is suing the hooker he “tried to marry and save from a life as an ‘escort’ only to have her walk off with the cash.”
The Bloomberg piece is on his Inner Circle charity “musical spoof” of Hair (called Mair! Get it?), which included an appearance by Jersey Shore’s Snooki and songs like “Times Square” (instead of “Hair”!) and “The Age of Mike-quarius” (I’m not sure which song that’s a spoof of).
The (dressed like a) whore piece is about how teenage girls are dressing extra-slutty for prom nowadays. The manager of a dress store in Brooklyn says, “The parents might say no at first, but I don’t think anyone can convince these girls to get a dress besides the one they really want.” So I guess MTV is still good for something.
And the (actual) whore story (her name is Lindsey DeLeon, 26, and she has two kids) is boring and will continue to be so… until Lindsay Lohan sues her for copyright infringement (“When people here that Lindsey is sleeping around, they’ll assume it’s me!”).
700,000 tax delinquents (people and companies) in New York owe $47,500,000,000 in back taxes. That billion with a b. The state Department of Taxation and Finance sent these delinquents “invitations” offering to forgive 80% of penalties for bills over six years old and 50% for bills three to six years old. They hoped to raise $250,000,000 this way. They raised $50,000,000.
Hey! I have an idea! Instead of extending an olive branch, why not pretend they’re the criminals they are and just take what’s due? I doubt the IRS would schmooze me like this if I owed any back taxes. Or if they found my moonshine distilleries.
“Jews might be dealing with an 11th plague this Passover — the mumps.” So begins Plague on Passover, an article that details an outbreak of the mumps in New York and New Jersey Orthodox Jews which is believed to have started by an 11-year-old who returned from Britain with the disease and then spread it to other kids at a boys’ camp in Sullivan, New York.
I see Orthodox Jews on the subway all the time, which is why I’m a little disturbed by the Post’s insistence that only Hasidim need be concerned.
“A city in eastern China has been identified as the world capital of cyber-espionage by a US Internet security company.”
If only the government there could somehow monitor what happens online…
Another crane fell down, this time hitting a building on Maiden Lane near Wall Street.
New York City has more falling cranes than an origami class during an earthquake.
Tip your waitstaff.
The headline: SI granny dies after 911 error
The story: The daughter of a 94-year-old called 911 when she noticed her mother was having difficult breathing. She gave the NYPD dispatcher the address, but when the call was transferred to the FDNY, their computers listed a different address. This caused a four-minute delay in response time.
The daughter’s quote buried in the seventh paragraph that changes the meaning of “after” in the headline from “because of” to a strictly time-based one: “The operator called me back to say they were at the wrong address, but it wouldn’t have made a difference if they were here.”
The Post: A terrible newspaper.
Nestled in a corner of page 10 is Saudis spread jihad to Balkans, a three-sentence piece credited to the Sunday Times of London which claims that Saudi Arabia is “pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into Islamist groups in the Balkans to spread hatred of the West and recruit fighters for jihad in Afghanistan.”
Good thing the Saudis are friendly with the Bushes!
J.D. Shapiro gets all of page 12 to bring us I penned the suckiest movie ever — sorry! which describes how he wound up writing the first draft of Battlefield Earth (his draft was much better, he assures us). He does not, however, apologize for co-writing Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Michael Goodwin says a lot today (including patting Sarah Palin on the back for her “loyalty” to John McCain — HA!), but the thing that made me do a triple-take is Pray tell, Gray Lady.
“Is it my imagination, or is the New York Times enjoying itself too much with its coverage of whether Pope Benedict helped hide a perv priest 30 years ago? OK, that was a trick question. It’s not my imagination. Slamming the Church is their catnip.”
Firstly, the Post has written nothing about this story in print. NOTHING. If you do a search of “Pope Benedict” on the Post’s Web site, you’ll find Dolan defends pope in sex-abuse scandal (posted today) wherein the paper claims that New York’s archbishop Timothy Dolan said that the Pope “is suffering the same slings and arrows as Jesus did before his crucifixion.” That’s the sum total of this paper’s coverage.
Secondly, “perv priest” sounds like the name of an improv group. Why not say “man who molested and raped hundreds of deaf children” instead? And why not share the facts with everyone not about what Ratzinger “allegedly” did, but what he actually did. Or would that make your aloof quip about how the NYT is always out to get the poor Church harder for people to swallow/stomach?
Have you no shame, Michael? OK, that was a trick question, too.
Brian Quintana is going to run against Barbara Boxer in the next election. And who, pray tell, is Mr. Quintana?
According to the Post, he co-produced Superman: Man of Steel (which is still in pre-production and has a 2013 target date) and is currently suing Jon Peters for sexual harassment.
The soundbites practically write themselves (“She may be a Boxer, but I’m a fighter — of hands on my tushy!”).
Merton (of ChatRoulette fame) “met last week with MTV Senior VP Ross Martin to discuss opportunities with the network.” But how can Merton make teenage girls want to dress like whores? And why are they talking to a musician?
How creepy is this?
Rep. Gregory Meeks, who has no idea where that money he raised for Hurricane Katrina victims went — honest!, recorded a “robo-call” to be played for Louisiana residents wherein he blasts Congressman Joseph Cao for voting against the health-care bill.
This guy has gigantic balls and I truly hope someone punches them soon.
A Russian judge denied the request of a family that wanted to name their child “BOCh RVF 26062002.”
Here is a partial list of names that Russian judges have approved in the past (all of them are real): Leaf Salad, Aviation Dispatcher, Privatization, Viagra, Simply a Hero.
As if living in Russia wasn’t punishment enough.
Kyle Smith writes a spiteful, hateful piece on Obama and his hatred of New Yorkers.
Kyle Smith is adorable.
NYC Transit Chief Thomas Prendergast on the recent MTA service cuts: “It’s on an order of magnitude unlike anything I’ve seen in 35 years.”
The Post runs the results of that recent Harris poll (the one that says 24% of Republicans think Obama is the Anti-Christ), but it doesn’t run the Republican results, just the broader ones. So it’s 14% of respondents who think that. And only 40% think he’s a Socialist. And only 25% think he wasn’t born here. And only 23% think he’s Anti-American.
(waves miniature flag of anywhere but here)
Oh, Peggy Noonan. Were you ever relevant?
In POKING THE BEE’S NEST, she warns us that “politicians need to cool things down before they explode.” I agree. Then she insists that Republican officials are being harassed and threatened just as much as Democratic ones. Because I’m not an idiot, I strongly disagree.
It’s just like the Catholic Church. Instead of being honest and dealing with legitimate problems, they say that the percentage of priests who are pedophiles is much lower than reported. Instead of admitting that Democrats are being targeted by insane people — and calling for an end to the attacks — the GOP insists that they’re being targeted, too.
I wish.
The PULSE section contains “the 40 funniest quips of the year” from various comedians. The only one that made me chuckle was Gilbert Gottfried’s: “I went to a Chinese psychiatrist. An hour later, I was crazy again.”
Hill Country (a restaurant on West 26th Street) has a drink called “The Eliot Spritzer” which they created “in honor of Ashley Dupre.” Says the owner, “We’ve never met her, but we heard she lived nearby.” See that, kids? If you work hard and become a prostitute, then maybe one day a man will name a drink after one of your many clients in honor of you (if you live in the area)!
Fun Fact: The producer of the Broadway adaptation of Green Day’s American Idiot is actor Tom Hulce (Animal House, Amadeus).
ASK ASHLEY!
My girlfriend gets home from work on the early side, but has to be up and out by 8:30 a.m., while I tend to work late in a studio and don’t have to be at work until noon. This makes finding time to have sex really difficult. How do we make this work? — Adam, 29, Brooklyn
ASHLEY: “Well, I’ve never understood people who schedule sex. (Really, can anything be less sexy?).”
ME: “Have sex on the weekend. Also, I find having sex with strangers for money to be less sexy than scheduling sex.”
My boyfriend likes to rip and break things — from my underwear to throwing nearby objects — during sex. Is this normal? — Jessie, 31, East Village
ASHLEY: “I know when I’m drinking, I like rough sex.”
ME: “I’m pretty sure you’re dating a gorilla.”
I’m a doer, while my boyfriend is a couch potato. How do I convince him to be more active? — Anna, 28, West Village
ASHLEY: “At the end of the day, what you may enjoy, he may not — and that’s OK.”
ME: “Be more interesting.”
The Nets lost. They’re 9-64 now (12.3%).
But who cares anymore?
It’s pretty late. I’m off to see the acountant tomorrow morning, so I might be a little late with the writing.
Deal with it.
The drunken English guy has a point.
Before I begin, I just read a small piece on Heidi Montag on People’s Web site. Here’s my favorite part.
One of the characters Montag wants to play is “a lifeguard named Summer” in a script she wrote herself.
“I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!”
And while that project has yet to be greenlit, Montag is as confident as ever that she’ll make a splash in the film industry. Says Montag, “I’m now finally free to start my career and my new life as female mogul in Hollywood!”
I’m not sure Heidi understands how 3-D, Hollywood and/or boobs work.
You know that coyote that’s been popping up all over Manhattan recently? Well, according to the entire front page (DOG DAY AFTERNOON) and the two-page follow-up, the police have finally caught him. It took “30 officers, dozens of squad cars and a chopper” to catch a 30-pound coyote. Your tax dollars at work.
It seems like an odd story to devote three pages (including page 1) to, but it beats leading with, say, the Pope being accused of personally covering up the alleged molestation of hundreds of deaf children (small article on page 16) or the package containing a suspicious white powder that was sent to Anthony Weiner’s office yesterday (an even smaller piece on page 10).
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And yet, I am constantly surprised by this paper’s unapologetic lack of substance/quality. Why do you suppose that is?
Did you just call me crazy?
(rolls up sleeves, blows on slide whistle)
Thanks, Public Service Commission!
They just OK’ed Con Edison’s decision to raise their rates by 4.3% next month, followed by another 4% in April 2011 and another 3.7% in April 2012. That’s 12.6%.
And that’s if wholesale electricity’s cost remains the same for the next 2 years (it won’t). So expect to pay even more than the 12.6%.
Ben Franklin is turning over in his grave.
Two of the heiresses to the Seagram’s fortune (Clare and Sara Bronfman) have lost almost $100,000,000 investing with NXIVM, a group that conducts “group awareness seminars.” Rumor has it that Edgar (their daddy) believes NXIVM to be a cult and is going to restrict their access to their trust funds.
My heart goes out to these two easily-duped morons.
The MTA has announced their timeline for their Draconian service cuts. My favorite one is on June 18th. That’s the day when the Staten Island Railway will no longer run to the Staten Island Yankees’ ballpark. It’s also the day of the Staten Island Yankees’ first home game. The W and V will disappear on June 25th, and the new M and Q lines will start on June 28th.
This made me tense up: “MTA chief Jay Walder said that he wouldn’t expect additional service cuts later in the year to be severe. ‘I do not think you’ll be seeing service changes of the type that you are here,’ he said.”
How about a guarantee? Or do you really need to keep open the possibility that another 110 bus lines and 15 subway lines might be removed or rerouted in 2010?
War. Criminals.
Remember Susan Finkelstein, 44? She was the Phillies fan (phan?) who (allegedly) offered an undercover policeman sex in exchange for World Series tickets? Well, the jury found her not guilty of prostitution, but guilty of attempted prostitution.
Here’s a photo of Finkelstein and her husband.
Gorgeous.
Robert De Niro’s chauffeur allegedly sprayed a TMZ videographer (Vladimir Labissiere, 37) with pepper spray at the Delta terminal at La Guardia Airport yesterday morning. The driver had already dropped off the De Niro family and the videographer had already finished annoying them when the driver used the spray. Somehow, he also managed to spray a 4-month-old girl (she’s OK).
Police are currently looking for the driver. When told of the events, De Niro incredulously asked What Just Happened? and then insisted that Everybody’s Fine, encouraging reporters to Analyze This and Analyze That and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Osama bin Laden has warned America that, if we execute Khalid Sheik Mohammed, al Qaeda “will kill any Americans it takes prisoner.”
Remind me… what was the name of that American that al Qaeda took prisoner and then let go? Oh, that’s right. They behead American prisoners anyway.
Thanks for the warning, Osama! Now get back in your cave!
Adam Clayton Powell IV was acquited of drunk driving, but convicted of driving while impaired.
He was fined $1,000, will have his license revoked for 90 days and will attend a drunken-driving class (“Firsht, y’gotta make shir ‘at yer keysin thignishin…”).
Port Authority Inspector Susan Durett recently blocked firefighters from assisting an injured hardhat at Ground Zero. She’s one of the highest-ranking women in the entire police force, and the “top police commander at the World Trade Center site.”
She was arrested on Friday night in Chatham, New Jersey for drunken driving.
This is why women shouldn’t ever be allowed to do anything — except the dishes.
(high-fives men, gets kicked in the shin by wife)
Michael Lohan is pitching a new reality show wherein Jon Gosselin’s ex-girlfriends would travel across the US in an RV.
I think it’s called No Wonder My Daughter Is A Drunken Trainwreck.
Aha! Thank you, Detective Comics!
Remember on March 9th when Cindy Adams “overheard” someone complaining about this year’s Oscar hosts?
“Wasn’t funny. Those guys Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were nice, but so what? My uncle is also nice.”
I said that it sounded phony. That no one would actually say that to anyone else under any circumstances, let alone at an Oscar after-party. Enter today’s column and Cindy’s piece about Rick Lazio: “He’s a very nice man. My uncle Morris is also a very nice man. My uncle Morris won’t be governor and neither will Rick Lazio.”
I totes told you so.
Also in today’s death rattle, Cindy laments that Obama isn’t focusing on jobs and the economy enough. “They’re too busy with our calories. And whether we’re eating lead paint off the walls. Next up will be a form whereby if you earn more than $250,000 a year for a family of five — you’re not allowed to have sex without Joe Biden’s written permission.” Joey Adams, who also wasn’t funny, would be proud.
And while Cindy isn’t taking the dirt nap she so richly deserves, she is going on vacation until the day after Easter.
Christian Shostle was a producer at TMZ. He took a medical leave of absence last March for depression and returned in April. He claims that, when he returned, he “had to endure working on assignments with co-workers who were drinking and using illegal drugs.” He says he complained and was fired.
Maybe I’ll head into Midtown today and ask Harvey Levin for his reaction while he interviews people for The People’s Court.
(does he still do that?)
Puke Penises (sorry, Ralph Peters) declares March 24, 2010 “the worst day for US diplomacy in recent memory” in his oddly-titled Bam’s Triple-Diplo-Whammy Day. I would think that the day Bush lied to the American people in order to start a war with a country that didn’t attack us, leading to the unnecessary deaths of thousands of Americans (and more every day) and our country’s reputation as a nation that doesn’t care what the rest of the world thinks was a worse day for US diplomacy, but then I don’t have any books to sell.
Bill O’Reilly begins his column (‘Social Justice’ vs. Freedom) with a Kris Kristofferson quote (“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”) and sums up the country’s division over ObamaCare to “individual freedom versus federal power.” What I find odd is that O’Reilly, such a valiant general in the War on Christmas, would seem to align himself against “social justice.” Has Glenn Beck gotten to him, too?
Citigroup is back up to $4.27/share.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives three stars to both Hot Tub Time Machine (“raunchy, endearing and often hilarious”) and The Eclipse (“Offbeat charmer.”) and one star to Godspeed (“quite a slog”).
Kyle Smith gives two stars to both How to Train Your Dragon (“Retrain the writers, this story is draggin’.”) and Chloe (“It’s steamy, not dreamy”), three stars to Lbs. (“Indie pulls its weight”), and two and a half stars to Waking Sleeping Beauty (“Tooned to reborn Disney”) [JEDITOR'S NOTE: I don't know what that last one is supposed to mean].
V.A. Musetto gives Dancing Across Borders two stars (it has “nothing objectionable” in it) and three stars to Bluebeard (it contains “sexuality” and Musetto says the “sex is more suggested than acted out — smoldering like a volcano ready to erupt.”).
Pete Hammond remains in hiding.
Chloe Sevigny gave an interview to The Onion recently wherein she said of Big Love’s fourth season, “It was awful. I’m not allowed to say that. It was very telenovela. I feel like it got away from itself. The whole political campaign [storyline] seemed very far-fetched. Me and the girls [Jeanne Tripplehorn and Ginnifer Goodwin] were not very happy with where [the show] was going. God, I’m going to get into so much trouble!”
I wonder why she doesn’t work more.
Michael Starr wants you all to know that Kara DioGuardi was shopping at Ann Taylor on Madison Avenue recently.
Keep up the great work, Mike!
The weather remains awful, but try to have a great weekend regardless.
Two stories on the front page today.
Light on her feet introduces us to Jimmy Choo’s new $2,495 shoes (Fun Fact: They’re ugly!) that come with a small (but very bright) lightbulb in the heel. The Post describes them as “something Rainbow Bright would design for Carrie Bradshaw” (I think they mean Rainbow Brite). Another Fun Fact: The bulb in the heel lasts for just 100 hours and it cannot be replaced.
I wonder if Apple is going to sue Jimmy Choo for copyright infringement.
But the other story on the cover is the one that turns my stomach. MESS TRANSIT makes it official: The MTA has approved $93,000,000 in service cuts.
The V train has been eliminated entirely. So has the W. The G will only run to Court Square. The M and Q are being rerouted. And 110 bus lines will be either eliminated completely (like the B75 and B77 that my wife and I use every week) or eliminated on weekends (like the B69 that I use on the weekends, which is also being rerouted). “Most of the cuts will go into effect in early summer.” I’d better make sure I have comfortable walking shoes by then.
I’m also assuming that the MTA will drastically lower the cost of MetroCards, since so many of the things they used to be good for are no longer a viable option. And by assuming, I mean that I know that they won’t and I hate them all the more for it.
A man entered Rep. Gregory Meeks’ office in Queens yesterday, called Meeks a crook and a thief and declared, “I’m going to blow up this place.” Then he ran away.
Meeks is a scumbag of the highest caliber. Unless I really, really had to go, I wouldn’t pee on him if he was on fire. But with so many death threats being lobbed at Democrats across the country, I can’t just laugh this off. Thanks to the folks at Fox (and people like Boehner and the fat old redneck that shouted “Baby killer!”), Americans have been whipped into a frenzy and this is the next logical (illogical?) step. I mean, once Glenn Beck has convinced you that the POTUS hates White people (I’m still not sure how he managed to escape reprimand for that) and Palin and Bachmann convince you that they’ll also set up death panels and re-education camps, what else can you do but throw bricks and cut gas lines and threaten (and follow through on) murder?
Just as the Vatican is despicable for not owning their decades of ignoring (and practically encouraging) child abuse by their priests, the GOP is equally responsible for convincing America’s dimmest that the health-care bill will mean the end of the country.
Between March 1st and March 8th, Harris asked 2,320 Americans some questions about Barack Obama. Of the Republican respondents, 67% believe Obama is a Socialist, 57% believe he is a Muslim and 24% believe he is the Anti-Christ. Is it in the nation’s best interests for Boehner to declare that, no, our POTUS is not the Anti-Christ (let alone a Socialist Muslim)? Absolutely. Will he? Absolutely not. Because Boehner isn’t interested in harmony, he’s interested in his side winning. His side, not America.
Anyone who still believes that bi-partisanship can be achieved in any capacity, use your new government-run health-care to get your head examined.
Dwight “Doc” Gooden got into a car accident early Tuesday morning. He fled from the scene (because he had to drop his 5-year-old son — a passenger at the time — off at school). His son “bumped his head” (he was “unrestrained in the back seat”), but is doing just fine.
Gooden was charged with driving while under the influence of drugs and child endangerment.
I don’t understand why this man is allowed to care for a 5-year-old in any capacity (except pitching coach… maybe).
Dennis Hopper is reportedly too ill to give a deposition in his divorce case. He has prostate cancer and is unable to undergo chemotherapy. I would imagine this puts a crimp in his plans to attend his Walk of Fame induction ceremony tomorrow.
I’d wish Dennis a speedy recovery and toast to his health, but instead I will toast to his fuck.
(it’s from Blue Velvet)
Do you own an Infantino-brand SlingRider or Wendy Bellissimo model baby sling?
Well, they’ve been recalled. The company has promised anyone who purchased them “a free replacement baby carrier, activity gym or shopping-cart cover.”
If your child suffocated to death in one, however, you can choose two of the three replacement offerings.
Federal Judge Irma Gonzalez called Dr. Phil McGraw “a terrible, terrible man” during the trial of Matthew and Laura Eaton. “What a charlatan this man is.”
The system works (or, at least, watches Dr. Phil)!
Jesse James’ ex-wife claims that just two weeks after they got married, he started cheating on her. She also claims that everyone in James’ life knew he was cheating on Sandra Bullock (except Sandra Bullock).
A former employee claims that (in 2000) he locked her in his office, forced her to perform oral sex on him and later fired her.
I hope Sandra does divorce him because I want to marry him!
Yesterday, the Post had a scathing editorial about how Obama and high-ranking members of his administration weren’t obligated to participate in ObamaCare. Today, there’s a new editorial (Way To Go, Bam!) that applauds his recent announcement that he and other executive-branch officials will fully participate. “President Obama’s decision yesterday to get his personal medical insurance through the exchanges that will be set up under his health-care reform speaks to his confidence in it. Or, perhaps, to his willingness to pretend to confidence [sic] in it.”
Fun Fact that isn’t mentioned in either of the editorials, nor in the Prez: I’ll switch insurer article on page 12: The part of the reform bill that included that alleged presidential loophole in coverage? That was written by (are you sitting down?) Senator Tom Coburn (R – Oklahoma). Makes you wonder if it was intentional, huh?
Five sentences.
On page 12, in the bottom left corner, is Spate of threats vs. Dems. It mentions “at least 10 House Democrats reporting death threats or incidents of harassment or vandalism at their district offices over the past week.” It mentions that the FBI is now involved. And it does all this in just five sentences. And the (New York) Post didn’t even write them! They picked it up from the Washington Post, which I’m sure devoted just as much space to this story.
Disgusting.
You know what story (also on page 12) got twice as many sentences (and double the column space)?
Tiger in ‘LeAnn hook-up’ (Tiger Woods dated LeAnn Rimes before he married Elin).
This is a fantastically awful newspaper.
Sarah Sailverman tells Playboy that, since gays can’t get married in most states, “If you’re getting married today, it’s the equivalent of joining a country club that doesn’t allow Blacks or Jews.”
Marrying Teresa was the best thing I ever did — and I wouldn’t undo it for all the money in the world — but I totally see her point.
Is Lindsay Lohan going to beat Cindy Adams to the grave? Here’s LiLo after a few drinks.
LiLo + alcohol + heels + gravel = trainwreck.
Fun Fact: She blames the paparazzi (the ones helping her up) for her tumble (they deny it).
Sean John P. Diddy Combs (if that’s even what he’s calling himself today) recently told guests at Greenhouse that “If you’re not drinking Ciroc, you’re drinking pee pee.” Martin Silver (who owns vodka brands Georgi, Majorska, Argent and Alexi) is planning on delivering “a toilet bowl full of Ciroc to Combs’ corporate offices today.”
Somebody’s gonna get shot.
Mt. Sinai is considering buying St. Vincent’s Hospital in Greenwich Village.
Socialism!
Nadya “I Trip On My Vagina” Suleman (aka Octomom) has agreed to put a sign in her front yard that advocates animal neutering (oh, the irony!), in exchange for $5,000/month and “a one month supply of veggie burgers and veggie dogs for her whole family” from PETA. See, she was in danger of losing her house in foreclosure so she agreed to this trade-off.
And, for some weird reason, she is still allowed to care for her 3,482 children all by herself.
(waves miniature American flag)
For originality… a 27! For personality… a 0! For lip synch… a 0!
Krystal Gardner, 28, of Dallas, Texas, saw a repo man trying to repossess her car. So she threw her 1-year-old child into the back seat. Then her 15-year-old shot the man in the leg with a 12-gauge shotgun.
And the battle between South Carolina and Texas for the title of America’s Biggest Shamepit™ continues.
There’s a half-page ad for a company (I shan’t name it), whose advertising is handled by a company I used to occasionally proofread for (I shan’t name them, either). By quickly scanning it, I found two typos.
Oopsie-doodle!
Goddamnit.
The Nets won last night (by 14 points!) and are now 8-63 (11.3%).
They have to lose the rest of their games in order to have the worst record in NBA history (or lose all but one to tie it).
Stop. Winning.
Opening Day is 10 days away.
I like the Yankees.
Linda Stasi gives LMN’s Amish Grace “No stars at all” in her review (‘Grace’ under fire).
“In fact, Amish Grace is so bad they should have called it Amish Disgrace. So what’s so terrible about this Lifetime Movie Network original movie? Basically everything from the fictionalizing of a modern tragedy that rocked the nation to creating lead characters who were never there because they don’t exist.”
I can’t believe Lifetime Movie Network would sink to the level of most Hollywood biopics.
Robert Culp is dead at 79. He collapsed outside his home in Hollywood and was found by a jogger. He was most famous for starring with Bill Cosby in I Spy, but I’ll always remember him as Bill Maxwell.
Godspeed, Bob.
The History Channel has digitally (and in 3-D!) recreated The Real Face of Jesus (Spoiler: He isn’t Black!). Sadly, Linda Stasi’s EXCLUSIVE (Is this Christ?) neglects to provide a specific airdate (“next week” is as close as it comes).
But I kind of like the idea of people waiting by their televisions for the Jesus special to appear (just have faith!).
And there you have it. I think the Mrs. and I are going to head down to Coney Island today. Don’t worry — we’ll bundle up.
Have a lovely Thursday!
Today’s EXCLUSIVE cover story is GOV’T BUY THE PEOPLE, which claims that state Senator Jeff Klein (D – Bronx/Westchester) wrote a letter to “union bosses” in which he offered them “chairmanships on a newly-created Labor Advisory Council” — for just $50,000 a pop. “General membership” costs $25,000 (if you don’t want to be a chairman).
If this is true, it’s shameful. But let’s not kid ourselves into thinking that Jeff Klein is the first or only politician to do something like this. Personally, I think the stuff that happens (and is still happening) on C Street is a lot worse than this. But that’s just me.
Also on the front page is Veep Bleep Joe F-bombs health care bill-signing. Yes, crazy ol’ Joe Biden introduced Obama at the health-care bill-signing and then whispered to him (in front of microphones), “This is a big fucking deal.”
It’s fun to watch all of the folks on the right feign shock. Was it inappropriate? Sure. Was it more inappropriate for George Bush to call a reporter “a major-league asshole”? I think so. One is a poor choice of words, the other is an insult. But, then, Obama is destroying our country by making it Socialist.
And speaking of the Teabagging Right Wing, Rush Limbaugh’s response to the signing of the bill?
“We need to defeat these bastards. We need to wipe them out.”
When does he move to Costa Rica? And does he need help packing his pills?
A townhouse on the Upper West Side just sold for $20,000,000.
Socialism!
Adam Clayton Powell IV can do no wrong!
In May of 2003, he was accused of sexually assaulting a 19-year-old intern, but no charges were filed.
In July of 2003, he was accused of raping a woman he met at a fundraiser, but those charges were dropped.
In March of 2008, he was arrested for drunk driving. He took a Breathalyzer and blew a barely-legal 0.07 (cops say he turned his head to the side as he blew, which lowers the results) and, though he faces a year in prison if convicted, he should get away with this, too.
Fun fact: He was born Adam Clayton Powell Diago, but changed his name in 1980, despite the fact that his brother (Adam Clayton Powell III) already had a son named Adam Clayton Powell IV.
Bimbo eruption No. 16 rocks ‘tamed’ Tiger? Really? It rocks him? At this point, his wife is taking the kids out of the country and will probably seek a divorce based on the sexts that were leaked. But the Post thinks that the fact that there were 16 mistresses and not 14 (this new one, Devon James, claims it was a threeway) is some kind of big story. It isn’t. But it is something for Mandrea to kvetch about in her next column.
“A group of Ninja-style crooks staged a daring Fifth Avenue smash-and-grab in Midtown early yesterday.”
Um… Ninja don’t smash-and-grab. You’re thinking of Golems.
Iggy Pop will no longer stage dive and you can thank the Carnegie Hall audience at last month’s show for that.
When he jumped into that crowd, they moved away and let him fall on his face.
But who wouldn’t want to catch a sweaty, shirtless 62-year-old in leather pants?
Michael Goodwin is an asshole.
“Truth delayed is truth denied. Or at least truth denied until yesterday, when the fig leaf of “health-care refirm” was shredded. Finally exposed was the Holy Grail of the ruthless quest. It was so our Narcissist-In-Chief could claim another notch on history’s belt.”
I’m assuming that the first notch was being the first Uppity Negro to become POTUS.
He goes on (a lot), insisting that — despite the fact that more people in this country are happy with the reform now that it has been signed and they have had a chance to look it over — “It is not the change Americans want.”
Unless you actually listen to them. In which case, it is.
Aren’t celebrity divorces fun?
Dennis Hopper is claiming that his wife (who he is currently divorcing) stole valuable artworks from him and he is demanding them back. She says they’re hers.
Hopper is expected to attend the dedication of his Walk of Fame Star in Hollywood on Friday. His wife, Victoria Duffy said she wouldn’t be there, which is good since he has a restraining order out against her.
Cindy Adams continues her death spiral.
“Everyone’s bleating about Tiger Woods’ return and what do we think? I don’t think anything. I don’t think about him at all.”
And then she talks about Tiger Woods for three extremely long paragraphs, ending with “He’s the world’s greatest golfer. He’s scum.”
I wonder what she’d have to say if she thought about him at all.
Arrests of people with celebrity names but aren’t the actual celebrities!
Lee Evans has been arrested for burning five teenagers to death in New Jersey in 1978!
Julio Iglesias, 19, shot another 19-year-old and was arrested!
Dame Edna Everage, 23, broke into an apartment and stole a computer!
(I made that last one up)
Al Sharpton’s ex-wife and daughter will have their misdemeanor charges (which include obstructing governmental administration, resisting arrest, harassment and disorderly conduct) dropped if they can avoid being arrested in the next six months.
Boooooooooooooooo.
There are currently 16 investigatons underway at the SEC focusing on employees there that spent “up to 1 1/2 hours a day veiwing online smut and kiddie porn.”
Why go after Bernie Madoff when you can sit in your office and spank it to “fetishisland.com” and “ladyboyx.com”?
Chris Lisi, 20, of Middletown, New Jersey is my new hero.
He attended Monday’s Nets game at the Meadowlands wearing a brown paper bag over his head. He was approached by Nets CEO Brett Yormark. “He asked why I had the bag on, and I was sarcastic that the Nets were so good. Then he said something he shouldn’t have.”
Lisi insists that he only wore the bag during time-outs and not when the game was in progress.
Even so, Chris, well done.
Yormark has since invited Lisi back as his guest. Which is classy, sure, but his team still stinks hard.
The Nets play Sacramento tonight. Will they be 7-64 or 8-63?
(crosses fingers)
Looks like Phil Hughes will officially be named the Yankees’ fifth starter any day now. Which puts Chamberlain, Aceves and Mitre in the bullpen with Rivera, Robertson, Marte and Park. Wow.
Chad Gaudin was put on wavers yesterday. So long, Chad.
Curtis Granderson (and not Brett Gardner) will be the Yankees’ center fielder this season. But I have a feeling that might change in a few months…
Sarah Palin’s Alaska is expected to air on Discovery. The show has a $1,200,000-per-episode price tag.
I wonder how much of that goes to the shrill quitter.
I thought that sounded weird.
“Correction: A photo caption in the TV section yesterday mistakenly stated that some students from Oprah Winfrey’s school in South Africa were going to testify against her in an upcoming defamation trial. In fact, the students were scheduled to testify in favor of the talk show host.”
No apology, Post?
Southland remains the best drama on television. If you’d like to see the best comedy, tune in to Modern Family tonight at 9:00 on ABC.
Happy Wednesday!
The nice lady who set up this site (and continues to tinker with it and make it the well-oiled machine it is) just sent me an explanation as to why I’m getting hundreds of additional hits lately: Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.
I thought that I might have finally broken through into the mainstream, that word of mouth had spread and that people were visiting my Web site to read my trenchant insight into the world at large. But it turns out they just wanted to read about the tattooed lady who slept with Sandra Bullock’s husband.
Sigh.
But I don’t get enough traffic that I can look a gift horse in the mouth. Therefore, here’s an update about Ms. McGee’s relationship with Angry White Girl (a subsidiary of Angry White Boy).
JACKO DOC IS MR. HIDE (doesn’t “DOC OF JACKO IS MR. HIDE” scan better?) alleges that Dr. Conrad Murray stopped performing CPR on a dying Michael Jackson — and held off calling 911 — so that he could collect the various “vials of prescription drugs” littering Jackson’s bedroom and hide them. Murray is currently charged with involuntary manslaughter in the death of Jackson.
I wonder if any of the lesser Jacksons (I’m looking at you, LaToya) will sue Murray in civil court.
E-he.
As much as I hate the MTA, I bet the folks that live at 1821-1829 and 1873 Second Avenue hate them more.
That’s because, thanks to the “construction” of the Second Avenue subway line (which is now supposed to be finished in 2015 — but ask again tomorrow for a different answer), the residents in 28 apartments at the aforementioned addresses are being “temporarily” evicted from their homes. These aren’t the first relocations and they won’t be the last.
Fun fact: The MTA pays the rent on all of the apartments that they kick people out of AND the rent at the hotels they move them to. Isn’t that nice of them?
The police in Harrison have ruled that the driver of the Prius that allegedly uncontrollably accelerated is full of shit.
They have concluded that the brake was never applied in any capacity — that Gloria Rosel put her foot on the gas and went into a wall of her own volition.
Oops.
Alicia Guastafarro is suing Wife Swap (and ABC/Disney) for $100,000,000 for “intentionally ruin[ing] her life by making her look like a spoiled brat.” I found the episode on YouTube. Here’s Part One (note the spelling of her last name — nice job, Post!).
Alicia claims that the show’s producers told her to say and do things that were scripted and not real (on reality TV?!?!).
Personally? I don’t think she has a case. Or a healthy self-image.
“Senate Republicans were girding for battle yesterday as they plotted new strategies to try to take down President Obama’s health plan, repeal it, or tie it up in legal knots.”
I guess it beats doing something constructive.
In a related story, Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R – Texas) said that he has apologized to Rep. Bart Stupak (D – Michigan) for calling him “baby killer” while he spoke during the health-care “debate” on Sunday.
(waves miniature American flag, but really sarcastic-like)
Lady Gaga is now also being sued by her ex-bassist (and “Disco Heaven” co-writer), Tommy Kafafian. He claims that she has never paid him anything for any of his work.
Who’s next?
The EPA is tightening drinking-water standards.
Socialism!
Are Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush breaking up?
Even though he promised to propose to her if the Saints won the Super Bowl and they did but he didn’t?
Even though she’s one of the vapidest human beings in the world?
Even though he’s been flirting with women who aren’t Kim?
Wait… what was the question again?
Dr. Dennis Friedman believes that hiring a nanny or au pair to care for your young son will make him grow up to be a womanizer.
See, he’ll respect and love his mother (“Woman 1″) and marry a “Woman 1″ but will seek out a “Woman 2″ for sexual gratification.
Tiger Woods has already started insisting that that’s why he cheated on his wife all of those times with all of those women.
God, I love Argentina.
“In response to runaway inflation,” the government has “dispatched a fleet of mobile fishmongers, selling cheap haddock in poor Buenos Aires neighborhoods.”
If the trucks were full of lomo, Teresa and I would be packing our bags right now.
George Giftos of Boca Raton, Florida writes in say, “With liberal-left Democrats in control of the presidency, Senate and House, I now know what it feels like to be living under an occupation force.”
I say we move George and his family to Iraq.
Good news: The Bird and the Bee have a new album out.
Bad news: With the exception of the opening track, the entire album is Hall & Oates covers (Interpreting the Masters, Volume 1: A Tribute to Daryl Hall and John Oates).
The Nets lost last night by 10 points (7-63). They are now at 10.0% exactly.
Keep it up, stinkies!
Phil Hughes is the current front-runner for the fifth slot in the Yankees’ rotation.
But ask again tomorrow for a different answer.
The weather stinks. It’s cold and wet and dark.
Socialism!
(stay warm and dry, m’peeps)
Did I buy the wrong paper this morning (afternoon, actually)?
Obama’s big victory
TO YOUR HEALTH
Historic overhaul passes Congress
Pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7
No skull and crossbones? No call to arms? Even though this is the paper that has been insisting for months (if not longer) that there was absolutely, positively no possible way for this bill to be passed? Hmmm. Maybe I should turn the page before I pat the Post on the back…
Ah. Page three has three sub-headlines (under HEALTH REFORM PULLS THROUGH) and the third is * Win follows wheel-&-deal blitz. It boggles my mind how the GOP continues to act like things they’ve done for decades (if not longer) are all of a sudden shocking to them because the Democrats are doing them, too. The same people who literally locked the Democrats out of Congress during the Bush II years are now screaming about back-room deals. That’s Washington. Obama is trying to change how things are done, but it isn’t going to happen in an instant. Baby steps. And this is a big’un.
The two NY politicians who voted NO were Peter King (R – Long Island) and Mike McMahon (R – Staten Island).
Page 5 features the return of Churley Hurt and his ‘Courage’ hailed by prez really just assisted suicide (which is below RAGE ROCKS DIVIDED HOUSE — an article that discusses how Republicans applauded the protestors who disrupted the proceedings by shouting “The people have said no!” and how someone threw a brick through Rep. Louise Slaughter’s office in Niagara Falls’ window). “As absurd as Obama’s audacity is, his visions of autobiographical grandeur are not without reason here, inside the Beltway. When he looks up and down his flank at his fellow warriors, he sees Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. In this land of midgets, Obama is a titan. He had little trouble suckering the midgets into sacrificing themselves for his presidency.”
So Churley has shifted from insisting that the bill won’t pass to insisting that everyone will vote straight Republican in the next election, especially after they see how horrible this bill really is. I can’t wait to hear what he insists next!
Not be outdone, Rich Lowry pens (crayons?) DEM WIN BUILT ON SAND. “Democrats forced through their signature initiative in an act of ideological heedlessness that will cost them seats and perhaps their majorities in the fall, and will remain a source of poisonous contention in American politics for years to come.” I actually agree with that last part, but only because the GOP will continue to willfully confuse the American public (who, sadly, are for the most part willfully ignorant).
I watched over an hour and a half of the proceedings on CSPAN (online, natch) and it was infuriating. Democrats said things in favor of the bill (to boos from the gallery) and Republicans knowingly lied about the bill (to cheers from the gallery). Pelosi mentioned Obama’s name to thunderous boos, the GOP repeated their memes (“Kabuki theater” and “this flawed health-care bill” and “government tyranny” and “government takeover” and “loss of our freedom” and “the ghosts of Communism” among many others) and instead of being happy that great strides were (most likely) being made, I felt sad that this is where “politics” in America are. Was it always like this?
Sigh. Let’s hope the rest of the paper isn’t as depressing.
An Icelandic volcano erupted for the first time in 200 years in Reykjavik on Saturday.
Thus disproving global warming.
The Bounty Hunter opened in third place with $21,000,000, which is over three times as much as Jude Law’s Repo Men made ($6,200,000). Is America… learning?
Ramal Green, 23, has been arrested and charged with elbowing a 22-month-old girl to death.
Elbowing a toddler to death.
Anything less than life without parole would be criminal.
Schindler’s list (the actual one, not the movie) is now on sale for $2,200,000 from MomentsInTime.com.
But when you pay for it, you have to scream, “How many Jews could I have saved with this?” and start to cry.
Page Six (today on page 12) claims that Paris Hilton is shopping around a new reality show, but no one is interested in buying it.
Is America… learning?
Cindy Adams reprimands Sandra Bullock for marrying a biker. “This is what you pick for a life partner? A biker? That’s what you pick so you can do it on the handlebars as you cross Madison Avenue.”
The dementia is working its magic! Soon… soon…
There was another earthquake in Haiti early yesterday, but it was small and only 2 people are reported dead.
Thus disproving global warming.
Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher are officially married.
Mazel tov!
Michelle McGee is now stripping in San Diego.
And RadarOnline and TMZ both claim to have seen a 2-year-old photo of Jesse James wearing Nazi paraphernalia and giving a “Heil Hitler” salute.
Poor Sandra Bulock.
I finally saw (the restored) Vertigo in its entirety.
I now fully understand this Harvey Danger song.
The Nets have 13 games left. They have to lose at least 11 of them.
I. Have. Faith.
Rex Ryan claims to have lost 20 pounds since his weight-loss surgery on March 13th.
Only 484 to go, Rex!
Kelsey Grammer’s wife is joining the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Thank God, because that family doesn’t have enough money.
Linda Stasi reviews Nurse Jackie (Falco distracts from Nurse Jackie).
“Look, I love Edie Falco — and who doesn’t? But to think that every man she meets falls dangerously in love with her character, Nurse Jackie — thief, junkie, disloyal wife and big ho’ who will have sex with anyone with a prescription pad — is the stuff of high sci-fi.”
So… the writing (which, to my knowledge, isn’t Falco’s gig) isn’t believable, which is why the title character distracts people from the show about her? Does that make sense to anyone?
Two and a half stars.
Sorry for the lateness today. I promise I’ll post in a timelier fashion tomorrow. Stay dry!
ABOUT
I read the New York Post so you don't have to.
RECENT POSTS
RECENT COMMENTS
- No face on Not Safe For Work(ing Eyes).
- jed on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- No face on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- ScottF on More Required Reading.
- jed on More Required Reading.
Clicky here…
This month’s stats
3,503 | Unique Visitors |
Archives
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009