Archive for March 1st, 2010

I Almost Forgot…

1st March
2010
written by jed

My wife (Teresa for those just tuning in) is playing Scrabble for a charity this weekend. All proceeds benefit 826NYC, which is an amazing nonprofit (read more about them here). But there will be cheating. And the more money they raise, the more they can cheat. Teresa and our friend Jane have set their fundraising goal at the almost-impossible-to-reach amount of $5,000. They are currently at $581.00.

If any of the tens of people that read this blog each day are able to make a tax-deductible donation of any amount of money, I urge them to do so. Here is the link for their team’s fundraising site:

http://www.826nyc.org/scrabble/cheats/team.php?team=21

Thank you in advance.

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Grandma’s Gray Hares

1st March
2010
written by jed

Teresa and I spent the better part of last night laughing (which is par for the course). Most of it was due to an ad I found in Sunday’s coupons. It’s for a personalized t-shirt (or sweatshirt) that has three gray bunny rabbits standing above the title Grandma’s gray hares! You’re allowed to provide (up to 30!) names to give the rabbits (I assume that if you have more than three grandchildren, they’ll provide additional rabbits, but then again they might not) and we spent a half-hour coming up with double entendre names (Curly! Merkin!) before settling on just three grandchildren, all named Pubes.

Pubes        Pubes        Pubes

Grandma’s gray hares!

I went to their website (http://www.giftsforyounow.com/Gray-Hares-Personalized-T-Shirt-3385X.aspx?utm_source=gfy&utm_medium=fsi&utm_campaign=ad397) to see if they would show me a mock-up of my dream sweatshirt, but they wouldn’t.

My birthday, for the record, is in June.

‘He choked me… He works for the governor’

The Post has gotten a hold of Sherr-una Booker’s 911 calls (that’s calls) and the above excerpt graces the front page (along with the headline LAST CALL FOR GOV).

But just for shits and giggles, let’s assume that Sherr-una (is that a Dutch name?) is lying. She calls the police because she’s mad at her boyfriend. She insists that he choked her, even though he did not. When the boyfriend’s boss finds out, he asks the State Police to see if they can talk her out of pressing charges (that cannot be proven — her neck is just fine) and will ruin a man’s career. She calls it harassment, but what if it’s just a guy trying to reason with a vindictive girlfriend?

State Police Superintendent Harry Corbett defended the S.P.’s actions by saying, “We just gave her options.” Does it sound creepy? Yes. But might he be telling the truth?

I’ve learned that stories like this are rarely black and white. If David Johnson abused Sherr-una Booker, he deserves to be tried for his actions. And if “Governor” Paterson used his office to try and bury her (truthful) allegations, then he deserves to become obscure and forgotten before the next election. But Sherr-una is now driving a $40,000 Lexus RX 350, which she bought on January 26th (she makes $57,996 a year and has a 13-year-old son). Ten days later, she spoke to Paterson on the phone. The following day she didn’t show up to court and the case was dismissed.

If Paterson helped orchestrate a Lexus-for-silence trade-off, then everyone involved deserves to be choked. Hard.

Airfare to soar as JFK runway is grounded explains that JFK is shutting down its main runway for repairs (estimated time for repairs: “at least four months”). 250 fewer flights will arrive at the airport each day (from 1,300 to 1,050) and expected delays will average out at 29 minutes (50 minutes during “peak hours”).

Oh, and passengers will prolly have to pay more for their tickets, as airlines will have fewer flights.

In a story that is related in that it also deals with the horrors of modern transportation, the MTA is complaining that the gub’mint is demanding that the spend $700,000,000 “on a safety program for Metro-North and LIRR that the agency insists it doesn’t need.”

If the MTA says they don’t need it, then they most certainly do.

Jay Leno returns to The Tonight Show tonight and if you watch it, you might be a redneck. Or just simple. Or Jay Leno.

Since Jersey Shore is so popular (take a bow, American public!), Elina Miller is “working find [sic] a network for” a new reality show called Brighton Beach which “aims to be a cross between Jersey Shore and Anna Karenina.”

And I am shopping my new reality show that aims to be a cross between Jersey Shore and Brighton Beach. It’s called The Alley Behind The Free Clinic.

Paterson blames Sheldon Silver for his career being over.

[insert blindness joke... here]

Michael Douglas tells Vanity Fair that he always put his career before his family, until he married Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Tell that to Cameron.

Shutter Island spent its second week at #1, giving it a 10-day total of $75,100,000. Cop Out made $18,600,000, The Crazies made $16,500,000 and Avatar took in another $14,000,000.

Come on, Hollywood. Raise the bar.

Mandrea!

Let’s see… Tony Kornheiser was suspended for two weeks for insulting the clothing (and age) of fellow ESPN personality, Hannah Storm (who is 47). “She’s got on red go-go boots and a Catholic-school plaid skirt … way too short for somebody in her 40s or early 50s by now,” he said.

“Youch! That hurts,” counters Mandrea. “It is also true.”

“Men who leer at, touch or discuss the physicality of women are called dirty bastards. Women who treat men like sex objects are called something else: cast members on The View. Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepherd, Whoopi Goldberg, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and assorted guest yentas on TV’s daily estrogen fest routinely gawk at, paw, harass and make men palpably uncomfortable.”

About an episode that feautred Zac Efron as a guest, Mandrea claims, “I feared gang rape.”

Hilarious! And that’s just ESPN reveals the ugly truth. There’s also CAMPUS RAISING EL which warns readers to “lock up your co-eds” because “prostitute-favoring” Eliot Spitzer is giving a lecture at SUNY-New Paltz (Fun fact: The New York Post made the prostitute Spitzer favored into a columnist just like Mandrea! Lock up your eyes!). Worse than Spitzer has more hate for Eliot (“Whoremaster Eliot Spitzer was an imbecile who escaped criminal charges. Paterson appears to be something altogether worse.”) and refers to Post columnist Ashley Dupre as a whore, while Porky-parker rich guys tsk-tsks Jerry Seinfeld for his illegal police parking placard.

But my favorite is the “The food at this place is awful and the portions are so small!” chastisement that Mandrea throws at the First Lady (A fat lot of good in B’klyn). “Michelle Obama talks a good game about fighting fat. But she’s done nothing for places like Crown Heights, Brooklyn.”

Which is it, ugly? On February 11th, you complained that Michelle’s “obsessions” with obesity “make me nauseous.” But now she’s not obsessive enough in Brooklyn?

I can’t wait to hear what you think next week!

Katie Holmes is “undergoing intense Scientology auditing,” which leads people to think she’s preparing for a second accessory child with L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm Tom Cruise. Look out, Xenu!

Hey, Page Six (today on page 11)? Enough with the photos of Peter Dinklage walking his giant dog. We get it. He’s a little person and his dog “looks like [he's] walking him.” It was cute the first eight times. Now it’s annoying.

Cindy Adams spoke with Matt Damon at the premiere of Green Zone, but not his wife. Why?

“I was too tired, too damp.”

Just die already.

The death toll in Chile is up to 708.

Pat Robertson is blaming the earthquake on the Godlessness of Chileans (I’m assuming).

Oh no!

Peter Parker is going to lose his job in Amazing Spider-Man #623! This will be the first second third seventeenth time he loses his job, which explains why the Post is reporting this on page 17, along with a giant drawing of J. Jonah Jameson yelling “Peter Parker, YOU’RE FIRED!”

“Parker, who’d been working as a photographer for newspaper publisher-turned-mayor Jameson, gets busted for doctoring a picture to clear the wrongly accused Jameson of some illegal activity.”

Riveting news.

The mayor White Plains (Adam Bradley) has been charged with assaulting his wife, Fumiko.

He is accused of “grabbing her left arm, placing it against a door frame and closing the door on her hand.”

In fairness, that was one of his campaign promises.

Cronin Miller of Brooklyn writes in to call Obama’s “the election is over” comment to John McCain “was rude, uncalled for and meant to rub salt in the wounds of a man who already bears enough wounds from serving his country.”

Kenneth Zimmerman of Huntington Beach believes Obama “came across as arrogant, rude, disrespectful, hostile, condescending and rigid.”

Susan M. Silver of Manhattan felt Obama “responded with an air of irritated impatience to Republicans who rebutted his points.”

Myron Hecker of New York City says Obama set “new records for arrogance, gall and elitism.”

$20 says none of them truly understands what reconciliation means.

Once again, the Nets’ winning streak ends at 1.

They lost last night to Washington (by 4 points!), making them 6-53 (10.2%).They play Cleveland (46-14) tonight.

Expect their win percentage to dip back into single digits.

The Struggle For Seven Wins continues!

It’s officially official! Goodbye, Edwar Ramirez, and hello, Chan Ho Park!

If Phil Hughes nabs the fifth slot in our rotation, that means the Yankee bullpen will include Chamberlain, Park, Marte, Aceves, Robertson and a guy named Mariano.

2010 should be an amazing season.

The Winter Olympics are over and we kicked Estonia’s ass!

(waves miniature American flag)

Craig Robinson (who I think is hilarious) will host NBC’s Last Comic Standing (which can’t seem to die enough deaths). The show is casting in NYC on March 21st, but don’t bother unless Barry Katz is your agent.

The Rockford Files are returning to TV! And Jim Rockford will be played by… Dermot Mulroney?

He was great in How to Make an American Quilt and My Best Friend’s Wedding and The Wedding Date and Must Love Dogs and The Family Stone and Georgia Rule.

The Rockford Files is a romantic comedy, right?

To the “Post staff writer” who wrote about the Bridget Jones’ Diary TV series: The British movie company that made the Bridget Jones’ Diary movies is Working Title, not Working Tile.

Keep up the lazy work!

Is Kate Gosselin going to compete on Dancing With the Stars?

If so, isn’t ABC legally obligated to change the name of the show?

Ah, Monday. You’re a jerk.

See yez all tomorrow!

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