Jay Leno has returned to The Tonight Show. I made it through the premiere’s intro (a Wizard of Oz parody) before remembering why I never watched it the last time around. Last night, Jay had Sarah Palin on to insult the POTUS and pretend she has ideas. Then she did a stand-up set. I’m not kidding.

It was absolutely painful (way to step on the “or else” punchline someone wrote for you, you idiot). I will not provide you with proof (the fewer people who see it, the sooner it will disappear from memory), but I will provide you with Howard Stern’s take on Jay Leno.

I’m amazed he didn’t ask Harry Smith to take off his top.

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A quitter and a(n alleged) hitter adorn today’s cover. Naomi Campbell (allegedly) repeatedly punched her chauffeur in the back of his head while he was driving (Driving Miss Crazy), and State Police Superintendent Harry Corbitt has resigned in the wake of the Sherr-una (is that name Mesopotamian?) Booker scandal (ALL THE GOVERNOR’S MEN).

Harry did the only respectable thing he could (at this point; not trying to convince a woman to not press abuse charges would have been far more respectable, but that ship has sailed). “Governor” Paterson, on the other hand, has been begging his colleagues for “more time” as the number of people calling for his resignation continues to grow. Bonus points: Paterson may be facing criminal charges.

The Black POTUS is destroying America by forcing us to have health-care reform, the Black supermodel can’t stop abusing her staff, the Black State Police Superintendent just resigned because the Black Governor of New York made him do illegal things… anyone else?

Charlie Rangel! He’s Black, too! And he might just be resigning from his chairmanship of the House Ways and Means Committee!

Thank God all of this didn’t happen three days ago (could even Black History Month have withstood all this negative press?).

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But after weeks (if not months or years) of demanding that Charlie Rangel get some kind of punishment for his many many crimes, Churlie Hurt has decided that doing what he wants isn’t good enough — if it’s being done by Democrats (Dem rats deserting beach bum Charlie).

That’s right, now that some action is finally being taken, Churlie has decided that the people taking action are rats (they’re turning against their own kind!) and snakes (“Nothing makes these people slither faster than when their own self-interest is at stake.”).

“They are fleeing from him faster than do Christians a whore in church.” ZING!

Please take the stairs, Churlie.

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But back to Naomi Campbell. Somebody needs to beat the shit out of her. Seriously.

I don’t condone violence against women, but this poor excuse for a human being has been physically assaulting her staff for ten years. The only way to (possibly) make her stop is to put her on the receiving end of the punches.

Her latest victim is Miodrag Mejdina, 27, who was driving her yesterday through Midtown. Apparently, she was angry that the driver wouldn’t gossip about Naomi’s boyfriend (who Miodrag also chauffeurs). So she “thwacked him repeatedly in the head with her fist… hard enough to send his head into the steering wheel — leaving him with a bruise under his left eye.”

In 2008, she assaulted a cop and got 200 hours of community service. In 2006, she scratched her therapist’s face (charges were dropped). Four months before that, she attacked her maid over a pair of lost jeans. Three months before that, she “pummeled” her housekeeper, pleaded guilty and got five (5) days of community service. There are plenty of other incidents, but never any true consequences.

Get some of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling together and show Naomi how she makes her staff feel.

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Congratulations, Gowanus Canal! You’re now a Superfund site! You’re on the EPA’s National Priorities List!

Sorry, Toll Brothers. The 450 condos and townhouses you were planning on building nearby? Not gonna happen.

The cleanup should be finished in “at least a decade.”

(waves miniature Brooklyn flag)

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Thanks to the generosity of our friends and family, Teresa and Jane have raised $641.00!

Only $4,359.00 to go!

(Here’s that link again, just in case anyone feels like donating today: http://www.826nyc.org/scrabble/cheats/team.php?team=21)

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Michael Goodwin!

Disaster tale

“A wire-service story included the helpful insight that Secretary of State Clinton’s planned trip to Chile was ‘overshadowed by a massive earthquake.’ Yep, it was definitely inconvenient for her.”

Yeah, fuck that bitch! She was probably all “who cares about those beige people?” And “that earthquake inconvenienced me!” Am I right, Mike?

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Now that Jim Bunning has been convinced to shut up, that unemployment extension can go through. But those effected by it are “likely to be awarded back pay once the program is revived.” That’s a shame. I would have preferred that they always thought of the money they could have had access to if not for Bunning’s chest-puffing.

That would have been a nice capper for his career.

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Jonah Golberg outdoes himself by savaging Obama (He’s deaf to only voice of reason in cult of lackeys) and praising… Rahm Emanuel? I guess politics makes strange bedfellows, eh wot?

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Hey, Teresa! Zoolander 2 is happening!

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Lil Wayne was supposed to be sentenced yesterday, but a basement fire shut down the Manhattan Criminal Court. So he went to Jay-Z’s MSG concert last night (where Young Jeezy told him “We with you 100 percent.”) instead of Rikers Island.

The system works!

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Hey, Cindy Adams! What can you tell me about Maggie Gyllenhaal?

“She said she’d call 4:30 p.m. She called exactly 4:30 p.m.”

Get in the box. Now.

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Page 23 is a full-page ad from ABC instructing Cablevision customers how to change cable providers.

Cablevision isn’t bending, either.

Will the Oscars air in Manhattan?!?!?

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Did the Chilean earthquake actually shorten the length of our days (by 1.26 microseconds!) and forever change the tilt of the earth’s axis?

(say it with me)

Apocalypto!

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Page 27 is another full-page ad from ABC urging Cablevision customers to tell their cable provider, “Lose my shows, lose my business!”

This is going to be fun to watch the progress of.

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Michelle Malkin returns with A Union Fat Cat as ‘Fiscal Watchdog’ and Ralph Peters gives us Betraying Freedom in Latin America.

Neither is worth your time.

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Apple is now suing Google for patent infringement, hoping to block the importation of their Nexus One smartphones.

iHave no dog in this race (iLove m’Motorola Droid).

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Comedy Central will be removing The Daily Show and The Colbert Report from Hulu.com starting March 9th.

They will still be available online, just not at Hulu.

I can’t wait for Hulu to start charging money!

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Congratulations, Debra Zimmerman! Not only are you the Executive Director of the nonprofit Women Make Movies, but you also single-handedl prevented Shake Shack from opening on the corner of Prince Street and Mulberry Street!

You go, girl!

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Disney is making Dumbo into a Broadway musical for some reason.

What a great idea!

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I never saw this coming.

Allen Iverson will not play for the 76ers for the rest of this season (and probably forever).

DJ Steve Porter? Let’s talk about practice!

Still makes me laugh every time I see it.

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The Struggle For Seven Games continues tonight for the Nets (6-53). They play Cleveland (47-14).

Can the 10.2% Nets beat the 77% Cavs?

Um… no.

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Hey, Teresa! HBO has ordered 10 episodes of Game of Thrones!

And David Milch has a new HBO pilot! Dustin Hoffman stars as “a career criminal just out of jail with a gambling jones.” Dennis Farina co-stars and it’s called Lucky.

Will it be another Deadwood? Or another John from Cincinnati?

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New Modern Family at 9:00 p.m. tonight (plus a repeat at 8:00) on ABC.

Watch it while you still can, New Yorkers!

And happy New Comics Day!