STRIKE 3

Gov lied about $6,000 Yankee World Series tix in latest scandal

The first strike was the Aqueduct deal. The second was the Sherr-una (is that name a Don Martin sound effect?) Booker scandal. The third one — the one that the Post insists demands his resignation — is that he “improperly solicited $6,000 worth of free Yankee tickets” and lied about it under oath (and then issued a backdated reimbursement check with a questionable signature on it). MORE INSIDE (unnecessarily announces the front page) including Michael Goodwin (Dave needs truth serum) and Charlie Rangel (‘Quits’ in disgrace).

Frankl, I don’t care about the Yankee tickets. Show me all of 9iu11ani’s receipts and I’ll muster some outrage. Until then, how about we focus on the actual no-foolin’ criminal activities (strikes 1 and 2)?

Al Sharpton has called another emergency meeting today in Harlem (methinks he just wanted an excuse to go back to Sylvia’s) to decide whether or not to seek Paterson’s resignation (but not to ask Smith and Meeks where all the money they raised went). Goodwin’s “article” (Dave needs defib-rillator) (which is it, Mike? does he need truth serum or a defib-rillator?) is exactly what you’d expect from Mr. Sour Badpuns (“If nothing else, the gov is The Lyin’ King.”). And Maggie Haberman’s Eliot: Why I liked ho’s fails to mention the name of the ho (hint: she’s a columnist for the Post and her name rhymes with Gashley Dupre), but does explain why Spitzer says he doesn’t want to run for office again (“I just couldn’t do that to [my family]. It would be day after day of the ugly stuff.”). Like, say, a page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on page 16) article titled Eliot: Why I liked ho’s.

I JUST DON’T CHAIR ANYMORE tells us that Rangel “said his departure was temporary, although most observers believe he will never return.” God, I hope they’re right. Fare-ill (my opposite of farewell), Raspy C.

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Page 2’s Bam pushes pols on health: Vote already! contains the phrase “…President Obama yesterday urged Congress to jam through a health-care reform package…”

Allow with “professor” and “TelePrompTer,” “jam through” is a favorite meme of the Right (who are more often than not Wrong). “Jam down our throats,” “ram through,” “ram down our throats”… it’s a great way of implying that this is happening without the support of the majority. If only that were true.

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I just had a great idea for a show on the Food Network. It would be called The Ache of Cakes and it would air immediately after The Ace of Cakes. I would eat an entire cake during the first 20 minutes and then I’d complain about how awful I feel for the last 10. It practically writes itself! Spin-offs could include The Why (Did I Just Do That) of Pie, Wary of Dairy, The Ooky of Cookies, and Making Hurts!

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Page 3 informs us that Johnny Depp’s partner of 12 years (Vanessa Paradis) found out that Depp and Angelina Jolie were filming a “passionate love scene” for their new movie The Tourist and is demanding that he quit. “Sources” claim that Depp is trying to do just that and Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio are being sought as his replacement.

Nice reputation you have there, Angie.

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Update: Naomi Campbell hit her driver in the face with his cellphone. He tried calling 911, she grabbed the phone and beat him with it. He pulled over and found a cop, but when they got back to the limo, Campbell had disappeared.

More update: The driver isn’t pressing charges.

What. The. F.

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A coyote loose on the Lower West Side of Manhattan? Now I’ve seen everything!

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The courthouse is still closed (due to Tuesday’s fire), so Lil Wayne won’t have to start his prison stint until Monday (at the earliest).

I wonder how much time he’ll get for setting the courthouse’s basement on fire…

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Undercover reporting just get a whole lot annoyinger (Cab gab sparks static)!

The Post sent Amber Sutherland into one of those cabs that people share to pretend to fall asleep on a fellow passenger’s shoulder, sing karaoke, borrow a tissue to blow her nose (and then try to give it back)… well done, New York Post. Your investigation proved that people don’t like it when Amber Sutherland does those things. But you forgot to label the article an EXCLUSIVE! And a WASTE OF TIME!

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An air traffic controller (Glenn Duffy) at JFK let his 7-year-old (and even younger daughter) radio instructions to five pilots over two days last month.

Feeling safer yet? Me, too!

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Page Six (today on page 16) tells us that Michael Crowley “had spend six weeks following [Harold] Ford [Jr.] around.”

Huzzah to the proofreader!

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Our Philadelphia correspondent forwarded me a story from the New York Times, but I was waiting for the Post to cover it before sharing it. Today they did — in their Weird BUT true section. A soldier in the Israeli army posted details of a terror raid he was to be a part of on his Facebook page, causing the raid to be called off. OMG. LOL.

(Jed Resnik likes this.)

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Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger retired yesterday after 30 years with US Airways.

To commemorate the retirement, US Airways flew a plane into the Hudson.

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It’s good to know that one of North Carolina’s elected officials is so concerned with jobs and health-care reform and the wars we’re fighting that he has proposed putting Ronald Reagan’s prunesque face on the $50 bill. Need I add he’s a Republican?

In a related story, this:

Maybe the GOP could change their animal from an elephant to a hippo (crit)?

B’also, doesn’t it sound like the narrator said “another Black guy on the Legislature”?

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Another full-page ad from ABC on page 23.

Will Cablevision fold before the Oscars?

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Cindy Adams claims that Russell Brand will star in a remake of Arthur.

Please let Liza Minnelli reprise her role! Or let David Gest do it!

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Mandrea!

The city is losing some of its soul is about… the Jehovah’s Witnesses leaving Brooklyn?!?

“The city will benefit from tax revenue once [their] buildings go condo. But who will replace these quiet and industrious souls? We’ll miss you.”

Sorry. I have to stop reading this shit.

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Four people were arrested at last night’s public meeting regarding MTA service cuts.

Sadly, no MTA employees were injured.

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Hulu’s future in limbo after Viacom pulls plug… maybe they should charge people money for what they have left on their site! Boffo!

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Lou Lumenick has an early review of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland (Looking glass half-full). He gives it two and a half stars.

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The Nets lost again last night (they were down 20 points at the end of the first quarter). I was wrong, however — their win percentage is not below 10%. It is 10% (6-54).

Their next game is against Orlando (42-20) on Friday, followed by the Knicks (21-39) on Saturday.

The Struggle For Seven Wins continues!

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I want to go to a Nets game and start a “What’s! That! Smell!” chant.

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Steve McMorran’s CADDIE FLACK on page 69 is almost the exact same article as BAD ‘LIE’ ENRAGES CADDIE on page 19, which was written by… Steve McMorran!

All the news that’s fit to print twice.

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The Yankees’ spring training game against Pittsburgh ended with a walk-off home run from Colin Curtis (I have no idea who you are, but welcome to the Yankees, Colin!). Chad Gaudin, Sergio Mitre and Alfredo Aceves each pitched two innings. Combined, they gave up one hit.They gave up no walks and each earned a strikeout.

I loves me some baseball.

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Linda Stasi on tonight’s hour-long episode of The Office: “[It] not only jumps the shark, it drowns the poor thing.”

While that isn’t technically a mixed metaphor, it also doesn’t make any sense.

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Bobby Slayton has a Showtime special on tonight at 9:00 (Born To Be Bobby). He’s always been one of my favorite stand-ups. Watch it if you can. And if you can’t, might I suggest Kitchen Nightmares, you donkey?

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Thanks again to everyone that has donated to Teresa and Jane’s Scrabble For Cheaters team. They’re up to $786.00! Woot!

(The rule of threes dictates that I provide the link again: http://www.826nyc.org/scrabble/cheats/team.php?team=21)

Have a wonderful Thursday!