The Post tries to be helpful today by printing up a letter of resignation for “Governor” Paterson. Sadly, their four-enormous-word headline is missing a comma (JUST SIGN IT DAVE!). Page 4 contains THE POST’S HANDY GUIDE TO GOV. PATERSON’S SCANDALS and page 5 explains that Peter Kauffmann (Paterson’s Communications Director) has resigned (“as recent developments have come to light, I cannot in good conscience continue”).

Sherr-una (is that name a song by the Knack?) Booker has fled the country (according to her brother). No word on whether or not the single mother took her son with her.

And Al Sharpton’s Summit At Sylvia’s II (This Time, All of My Sides Will Be Mac and Cheese!) ended with Sharpton telling reporters, “Most of us in the room strongly felt the governor should stay.”

Which I assume was followed by him mumbling “the fuck away from us” under his breath.

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MTA chief Jay Walder said yesterday that the proposed service cuts are “tearing my heart out.”

If only.

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There’s a fairly large piece on page 3 about how actual cops lament how Brooklyn’s Finest isn’t factually accurate (Real Finest rip reel ‘Finest’). Retired detective James Killen says, “It’s more of liberal Hollywood trashing the people who protected people who want to be protected.”

I’m sure it would make sense if I drank a gallon of cheap hooch.

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The Vatican is launching an iPhone application in early April.

In a related story, this.

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Hamas has banned men from working in women’s hair salons in Gaza.

Will a little bit of Bosom Buddies sprinkled in, this could become the Middle East’s most popular new sitcom (Gaza Life Is A Drag, perhaps?)

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Susan Uman of Manhattan is suing Netflix and Warner Bros. because they’re “colluding to keep newly released DVDs out of  rental circulation for 28 days to boost sales and pay-per-views.” She cites The Informant! and The Box as examples.

1) You could have seen both of these films many months earlier in the theaters.

2) Are you that fucking lazy and starved for entertainment that an extra month of waiting for a movie is worth suing over?

3) The Informant! was just OK and The Box is awful. You should be suing Warner Bros. for not keeping The Box off the market longer.

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Pepperidge Farm is suing Gymboree over their “Little Goldfish” infant apparel.

I just looked on Gymboree’s website and the goldfish I saw there had eyelashes. And weren’t edible.

The defense rests, your honor.

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There have been a number of violent attacks in Chuck E. Cheese’s across the country recently. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that their Harlem location (or any other location for that matter) has posted Rules of Conduct for their customers to obey (examples: “No obscene, offensive or hostile language or gestures.” and “No gang-type conduct or behavior, including verbal slogans, greetings, hand signs or intimidation.”). Better safe than sorry, right?

Wrong, if you’re the Post. “Harlem’s Chuck E. Cheese is now a maximum-security play penitentiary. As they enter the arcade and pizza parlor ‘where a kid can be a kid,’ parents and their young children are given a list of prohibitions more stringent than Riker’s Island’s.” Then take your kids to Riker’s if you value your freedom to wear gang colors over the enforced safety of your kids.

I hate this paper so much.

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The Dalai Lama has joined Twitter.

He already has over 140,000 followers.

OMG. LOL.

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Let’s take a moment to think about Kim Yoo-chul, 41, and Choi Mi-sun, 25.

They met in a South Korean chat room, learned they both “shared a role-playing addiction” and fell in love. They had a child last June.

Their favorite thing to do online was “care” for their virtual baby in a game called Prius. In fact, they spent up to 12 hours every day “caring” for it.

Last September, their actual living 3-month-old daughter starved to death.

Kim Yoo-chul and Choi Mi-sun, ladies and gentlemen.

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Oh, boy.

Some of the folks who have had their gas pedals fixed by Toyota are saying that the problem hasn’t actually been fixed.

I never thought I’d see the day when buying an American car was the safest thing to do.

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Snoop Dogg won his court case to be allowed back into England (he was banned in 2006).

The British government is considering an appeal.

Congrizzatulizzation, Snizzoop.

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Someone shot two police officers at the Pentagon last night.

That story (2 Pentagon cops shot) is on page 15. Right next to the six-times-as-big NAOMI’S PITIFUL BRAKE JOB.

Good grief.

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John McCain and Joe Lieberman’s new bill (the McCain-Lieberman bill) would have all “high value” terrorists tried in military courts. It would also strip “enemy combatants” (referred to as “unprivileged enemy belligerents”) of being read their Miranda rights.

Good luck with that, guys.

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According to Page Six (today on page 18), Mick Jagger slept with Angelina Jolie while she was married to Jonny Lee Miller.

Nice rep you’ve got there, Angie.

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A dolphin swimming in the East River? Now I’ve seen everything!

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Charlie Honadel of Staten Island, Joe DePascale of Brooklyn, Tony Stells of Manhattan and Paul Bloustein of Cincinnati all write in to insult Al Gore and show the world that they don’t understand the concept of global warming.

Well done, guys!

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Movie Reviews!

Lou Lumenick gives The Secret of Kells three and a half stars (A visual feast — just add Celt).

Kyle Smith gives Brooklyn’s Finest two stars (Send it back to the academy).

V.A. Musetto gives Harlem Aria one star (It has wrong tenor), most likely due to the absence of Asian breasts.

Pete Hammond calls Alice in Wonderland “MAGNIFICENT!”

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Good luck tonight, Nets!

The Struggle For Seven Wins continues!

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Nick Johnson, who has been on the disabled list nine (9) times in his career (and missed all of the 2000 and 2007 seasons from injuries), hurt his back during batting practice yesterday.

The Yankees have a new Carl Pavano.

Somewhere, Johnny Damon is giggling.

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Sarah Palin is pitching TV shows.

This is what she meant by “doing more to help real Americans.”

You. Betcha.

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Who Do You Think You Are? on NBC at 8:00 tonight will see Sarah Jessica Parker tracing her family’s ancestry.

And possibly visiting the stables where it all began.

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Happy Friday, everyone! And thanks again to everyone who donated to Teresa and Jane’s Scrabble for Cheaters team. They’re up to $790.06! And tomorrow is the big day!

Which means tonight will be a Scrabble marathon. I can’t wait!

Hooray for Friday!