Archive for March 7th, 2010

Not literally. Yesterday’s Scrabble For Cheaters event was wonderful (free babka!) and, as luck would have it, someone showed up partnerless. I volunteered my services and wound up competing.

I helped my partner use up all of his letters (to spell GENIUS, no less), but the opposing team played their Refuse A Word cheat (forcing him to remove his letters and lose his turn). Then one of the shrews we were playing against used all of her letters and won the game. What I found out twenty minutes later (after my partner had left and the game was official) was that their Refuse A Word cheat should have counted as their turn and I should have been the next person to go (each player had their own rack and tiles). Had that happened, I would have used all of my tiles and we would have won (I only had four left).

I wuz robbed.

Teresa and Jane, on the other hand, went from 1-in-30 to 1-in-4. Sadly, they were knocked out in the semifinals, but that’s still pretty damned good. As was the babka.

Other news from yesterday: The Sanitation Commissioner budgeted $38,300,000 for snow removal for this winter season. They spent $47,700,000 before the last two snowstorms (which “are expected to add up to another $20,000,000″ to the total price tag).

They’re changing the face of Ben Franklin on the $100 bill (thankfully NOT to Ronald Reagan… yet). I hope they give him sunglasses.

“Governor” Paterson “vowed he would be cleared and faulted the media for his woes.”

Churlie Hurt writes an irritatingly venomous piece called O can’t handle the truth! which includes such snark as, “[Obama] had the luxury of going to elegant parties, where he gallantly smoked cigarettes and held forth with idle chatter about the incomprehensibly grotesque manner in which America was fighting this war on terror.” and “Now that the weight of protecting this country falls to him, Obama is not so smug and enlightened anymore.” Churlie calling anyone smug is like Conrad Bain calling someone Conrad Bain.

Cablevision took out a full-page ad on page 8 blaming ABC for the impending blackout.

Two NYPD officers, a retired officer and six other men tried to steal $1,000,000 worth of fancy perfumes. And they might have gotten away with it if a) the cops didn’t use their real ID to rent the vans, b) they didn’t flash their badges and yell “Police!” when they were robbing the warehouse where the perfume was kept. As one law-enforcement source remarked, “Mastermind is not applicable in this case.”

Billy Corgan on Courtney Love: “I have no interest in supporting her in any way, shape or form. You can’t throw enough things down the abyss with a person like that.”

Billy Corgan on Jessica Simpson: “If people knew her like I knew her, they would love her like I do. It’s really simple.” And by it’s, he means she’s.

Rep. Eric Massa (D) is resigning after being hit with a harassment claim by a male staffer. Massa was quick to accept responsibility… kind of. “There is no doubt in my mind that I did, in fact, use language in the privacy of my own home and in my inner office that, after 24 years in the Navy, might make a chief petty officer feel uncomfortable.”

A rabid otter attacked a 96-year-old man in Venice, Florida. Seriously.

ABC has their own full-page ad on page 13 blaming Cablevision.

“A Michigan court tossed out an assault conviction after the judge in the original case failed to make the jury swear to God to return an honest decision. Timothy Becktel will get a new trial, instead of 15 years in jail for nearly beating a man to death.” Nice job, Michigan.

“An item in yesterday’s Media Ink column incorrectly referred to ‘the late’ Bob Guccione Sr. Guccione is still alive.”

Movies without any blurbs in their ads: The Crazies and Brooklyn’s Finest.

The Nets lost again (6-55).

The Yankees lost again (1-2).

The Nets DON’T have the worst record ever! The 1972-73 Sixers were 4-57 after their first 61 games! Try (less?) harder, Nets!

Joba Chamberlain’s current ERA is 33.75 (I’m trying to remember who it was that insisted he should remain in the bullpen… oh, that’s right — it was me).

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Actual letter to Parade magazine:

“I hear Avatar is the highest-grossing movie ever. True?” – Rachel Street, Mahomet, Illinois

Actual (factually incorrect) answer: “Not yet.”

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The lack of love for Paterson continues in today’s paper. The front page claims he Picked himself as Eliot’s No. 2 and that his Own father opposed him and how his Aides ignored ethice red flags. If he doesn’t resign by the end of next week, things is gonna get ugly.

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Poor D’Angelo.

He offered an undercover policewoman $40 for oral sex yesterday morning at the intersection of Greenwich and Horatio in the West Village.

Oops.

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Juan Gomez, 23, “beat, bit and head-butted his 13-week-old daughter — breaking 17 ribs and lacerating her liver.” He also broke her ankle. Why?

“I grew frustrated because she wouldn’t stop crying.”

Anyone want to guess how long his sentence winds up being? Five years? Seven? Anyone?

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Michael Goodwin claims that There’s no time for terror in Bam’s busy day.

Go fuck yourself, Mike.

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Is Mariah Carey pregnant?

Do you care either way?

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In addition to a Ben Stiller/Sacha Baron Cohen Avatar sketch, the producers of tonight’s Academy Awards have also 86ed a number of Tiger Woods jokes that they “deemed too rude.”

Will New Yorkers like this seemingly watered-down broadcast? Well, if they’re Cablevision subscribers, they won’t get a chance to see it. At midnight last night, the signal disappeared from Cablevision’s lineup.

Speaking of which, I never got around to listing my picks. Here they are:

Actor: Jeff Bridges

Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz

Actress: Sandra Bullock

Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique

Animated Feature: Up

Art Direction: Avatar

Cinematography: Avatar (possible upset: The White Ribbon)

Costume Design: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (which is spelled wrong on the “official ballot”)

Directing: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

Documentary Feature: The Cove (possible upset: Food, Inc.)

Documentary Short: The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant

Film Editing: District 9

Foreign Language: The White Ribbon

Make-up: Star Trek

Score: Up

Song: Crazy Heart

Animated Short: Logorama

Live-Action Short: Instead of Abracadabra

Sound Editing: Avatar

Sound Mixing: Avatar (possible upset: Transformers)

Visual Effects: Avatar

Adapted Screenplay: Up In The Air

Original Screenplay: Inglourious Basterds (possible upset: Up)

Picture: Avatar (possible upset: Precious or The Hurt Locker)

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If Lee Daniels wins an Academy Award, I promise you this: I will never watch or speak of the Oscars ever again.

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Deborah Mortley is a gym teacher at Life Academy HS for Film and Music in Bensonhurst.

She allegedly “choked and punched” a 10th grader last week. The victim was then suspended. Students and school staff complained that the wrong person was being punished and Mortley was sent to (you guessed it) a “rubber room.”

When asked if the allegations against her were true, Mortley told a reporter, “Go ask your mother.”

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Regurgitate Genitals (sorry, Ralph Peters) reminds us You can’t win hearts, minds of radical Islam. But, oddly enough, he doesn’t mention Bush or Cheney or any of the folks who started both of the wars we’re currently fighting. Funny, that.

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Jason Vuic wrote a book called The Yugo: The Rise and Fall of the Worst Car in History.

I wasn’t aware that it had ever risen.

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ASK ASHLEY!

My boyfriend travels all the time with his friends and never asks me to go with him. I want to be doing things with him rather than living separate lives. Do I have a right to feel as I do or am I just being needy? — Jennifer 28, Manhattan

ASHLEY: “There are plenty of guys out there who will include you in their lives.”

ME:  “Especially at Ashley’s prices.”

I just got out of rehab and I want to reconnect with my sister. I’ve been out of her life for a really long time due to drugs and being in and out of trouble. I left when we both were teenagers, so I worry I won’t be able to get our relationship back. How should I go about re-entering her life? — Rob 27, Queens

ASHLEY: “I’d suggest taking her to a movie and then for a bite to eat after.”

ME: “Break into her house and ask her if she has any drugs.”

I have a problem. I LOVE my vibrator. But because it’s so strong, I’m sort of losing sensitivity down there. Is this normal? What do I do? It’s getting harder for me to climax during sex, which is why I use a vibrator in the first place. Help! — T.B. 25, Manhattan

ASHLEY: “It’s time for you to go back to the good old-fashioned way of pleasing yourself.”

ME: “I agree. Sleeping with married men for money is the oldest profession in the book — for a reason. It’s good, old-fashioned, pleasant sex.”

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(spit take)

The Nets beat the Knicks last night! By twenty points! They made it to seven wins (and fifty-five losses)!

Damnit, guys, you have to keep losing! No double-digit in the wins column!

If you’re going to be this awful, you might as well be the worst, no?

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Toronto Blue Jay Zach Zinicola beaned Francisco Cervelli during yesterday’s game. Cervelli got a concussion.

Insult to injury: It was Francisco’s 24th birthday.

Happy Beanday, ‘Cisco!

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Happy Sunday, peeps!