Had my annual physical today and it went fine except for the ECG. The assistant had ripped all of the stickies off of me seconds before my doctor announced that the results weren’t saved properly. So I had to have the stickies re-applied and re-ripped off. All before I had any coffee.

Sigh.

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Hilary Swank’s breasts are on the front page, along with BAM’S LAST GASP!, which describes Obama’s health-care rally in Pennsylvania as “desperate.” And the follow-up on page 4 is titled Bam is Dr. Desperate and the rally is once again (in the first sentence!) described as “desperate.”

The Post’s consistent use of the word “desperate” seems… oh, what’s that word… desperate.

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Obama group tells Hiram: No, you can’t features a Monserrate bumper sticker that reads “RE-ELECT SENATOR MONSERRATE SPECIAL ELECTION * MARCH 16TH, 2010″ with the O logo made famous during the 2008 presidential election and the phrase “YES WE CAN… ¡SI SE PUEDE!” on the bottom.

Organizing for America has already told Mr. Slashy that he isn’t allowed to use the logo.

Now for the part that made me laugh out loud on the train.

“Meanwhile, Monserrate is set to formally announce his candidacy today — at an event that was clumsily previewed by his own team. ‘FORMER SENATOR HIRAM MONSERRATE UNVEILS PLAN AND OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY AFTER STABBING,’ read the e-mail. It was a reference to a violent incident in the district over the weekend. But given the nature of Monserrate’s conviction, it seemed awkward.”

Agreed.

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Another politician who deserved to be thrown out of office is Queens Rep. Gregory Meeks. He was on NY1 last Wednesday and set up an interview for this week. “I look forward to coming on next week [to talk about NOAH-F],” he said. A few days later, he cancelled the interview (he cited a “family conflict”).

The interview is now set for next Monday. Tentatively.

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You might want to stay away from Klee Brasserie in Chelsea.

Chef Daniel Angerer has offering his customers “a canapé of breast-milk cheese with figs and Hungarian pepper.” The breast-milk is provided by his wife, who “is now prodding her husband to make gelato” out of her bosom’s dairy bounty.

The Department of Health has told Angerer to “refrain from sharing his wife’s milk with the world.”

Agreed.

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Remember when I said that Rep. Eric Massa kinda sorta took responsibility for the sexual harassment charges he faced? I spoke too soon.

Massa (D-Corning) is now claiming he was “set up” by “Democratic leaders” because he represented “the deciding vote on health care.”

“This administration and this House leadership have said… they will stop at nothing to pass this health-care bill. And now they’ve gotten rid of me, and it will pass.”

Massa also referred to Rahm Emanuel as “the son of the devil’s spawn.”

I think Massa has a future as a closeted homosexual who makes up insults.

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Placido Domingo had a cancerous polyp removed from his colon last week.

And I’m only hearing about it now?

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LOHAN’S SUCH A BABY! tells of my new favorite lawsuit: Lindsay Lohan v. E-Trade.

You may (but probably may not) remember their Super Bowl commercial where the baby is video chatting with his baby girlfriend and she says “And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over [last night]?” And he says, “Lindsay?” just before another girl baby sticks her head into the video frame and says, “Milk-a-what?”

Lohan is claiming that the commercial was “modeled after her” and she wants (are you sitting down?) $100,000,000. Take it away, Lohan’s attorney (Stephanie Ovadia)!

“They’re using her name as a parody of her life. This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.” No, actually, we aren’t. And how do you know the baby’s name isn’t Lindsey? And why does Lindsay automatically assume that an alcoholic boyfriend-stealer is based on her?

The only person that will benefit from this case is Ms. Ovadia.

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When I was an intern at MTV, a lady named Karen Salmansohn was working on a pilot with the channel and I worked on a few casting sessions with her. She was very sweet and has gone on to publish a slew of successful books (including Prince Harming Syndrome, How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis, and Even God is Single, So Stop Giving Me a Hard Time). Which is why I was startled to see her on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is on page 10 today) in an article titled Knocked-up advice guru is suing lover.

Apparently she started seeing a guy who said he was “practically divorced” and was seemingly excited to start a family with her. He paid $28,000 for IVF treatments (also providing the sperm), but when Salmansohn became pregnant, the man (Mitchell Leff, 49, of Long Island) told her that he was “too old” to be a father again and that she should get an abortion — 24 hours after learning of the pregnancy.

Salmansohn is suing for child support and I hope she wins.

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Mandrea was given all of page 7 on which to lambaste “Governor” Paterson (LONESOME GOV’S SAD SOLO ACT). Which she does.

A barrel of fish springs to mind.

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German artist Jan Voorman and a team of volunteers scoured Manhattan and Brooklyn for cracks in buildings and, when they found them, they filled them in with Legos. It was part of Voorman’s “Dispatchwork” project.

As of yesterday, only the “repairs” on 32nd Street and Seventh Avenue remain.

The photos are amazing, but I can’t find them online so you’ll just have to trust me.

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Cindy Adams didn’t like Hilary Swank’s dress (or lack thereof). She went to the Oscars to report on the parties. And, according to what she allegedly overheard, no one like the ceremony. “Wasn’t funny. Those guys Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were nice, but so what? My uncle is also nice.” and “It was endless. I already need a Botox injection.”

Do those sound like legitimate quotes to you? Me neither.

Box.

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The oldest living American Mary Josephine Ray, 114 years and 294 days old, has passed on.

When the second-oldest American hears this, it will probably excite him or her to death.

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I just ate a pound and a half of carrots.

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An art gallery in Vienna has a new “project aimed at provoking debate about scandal in art.” Which is why they’re setting evenings aside for a swingers’ club where visitors can “act out sexual fantasies.”

Yes, but is it art?

(No.)

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Lil’ Wayne is at Rikers Island (I just realized it was called “Riker’s Island” in an earlier Post article, which I foolishly copied without double-checking) for the next year (eight months with good behavior).

I say he’s out in six. Mos def.

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Kyle Smith reviews a film, but not in the Pulse section! The review (New Damon Flick Slanders America) is in the POST OPINION section. He rips Green Zone apart for (among other things) expecting the audience to cheer for “Sunni officers who shoot down helicopters carrying American soldiers sent to assassinate them.” I should point out that Kyle didn’t have this problem with Avatar.

“As any reasonably informed person knows, many intelligence services… believed Iraq had WMDs.” Because we lied to them.

“Green Zone tells US troops that all of their efforts have been based on a deliberate deception.” Which any reasonably informed person knows is true.

“Green Zone isn’t cinema. It’s slander. It will go down in history as one of the most egregiously anti-American movies ever released by a major studio.” Now I wanna see it! Thanks, Kyle!

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Rich Lowry deliberately lies about reconciliation in It Won’t Be Over and I wonder how he sleeps at night (besides alone).

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Was the ABC/Cablevision feud just a practice run? Peter Lauria thinks so (‘ABC’ of TV battle: Time Warner Cable). Apparently, ABC’s deal with Time Warner Cable (the second largest cable provider in America) expires in August and they’ll be asking for more money (and then they’ll do the same thing with Comcast — the largest cable provider in America).

As far as what Cablevision forked over, the estimate is half of what ABC wanted ($20,000,000).

Time Warner Cable has already started trying to drum up support from their subscribers (in a recent e-mail they said, “With your support we will fight programmers who request excessive price increases.”).

Aren’t negotiations fun?

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The Nets lost again last night (7-56) bringing their win percentage down to 11.1%.

They play Dallas (67.7%) tomorrow night.

Remember: No double-digits in the win column, guys!

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Nick Johnson returned to the line-up yesterday (!) and went 0-for-2 (.), while Robinson Cano went 2-for-2 bringing his average up to .778 (!!).

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The estimate for Oscar viewers is 41,000,000.

I’ll never understand that. Does anyone watch the Oscars alone (besides Rich Lowry)? How can you count viewers if everyone goes to an Oscar party? If 41,000,000 TV sets were tuned into it then the estimate should be well over 1,000,000,000, no?

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I have four improv rehearsals to run in the next 72 hours.

Pray for me.