Archive for March 11th, 2010

Let’s hear it for New York.

11th March
2010
written by jed

Finished rehearsal at 10:10 last night. Caught an F to Brooklyn at Bryant Park at 10:20. Got to West 4th Street and was told that, due to signal issues, there would be no more F trains to Brooklyn. Took a B train to Atlantic Avenue. Got a 67 bus to Park Slope after 11:00. Waited for the 11:18 75 bus (which showed up at 11:26) and got home at 11:35. I hate the MTA quite a bit.

My wife was singing Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” this morning and now I can’t stop repeating the line “does this sandwich come with tomatoes?” in my head (actual line: “Concrete jungle where dreams are made of”). It might be from lack of sleep, but I find that extremely amusing.

All of a sudden, I’m not as eager to see Paterson leave office.

Lt. Gov. Richard Ravitch has a plan to solve the budget crisis: Borrow $6,000,000,000 and pay it back later.

Mayor Bloomberg’s response is that the plan “doesn’t pass the laugh test.” I have no idea what that means.

But what did people expect from a former MTA chief? Delaying the inevitable is their credo!

But I’m not alone in fearing the ascension of Ravitch. Paterson has a 21% approval rating (and 61% disapproval, leaving 18% with no opinion or something better to do than respond to the telemarketer), but 50% of those polled say they want Paterson to finish out his term. I find that almost as disturbing as calling an abuse victim to convince her not to press charges against her assailant.

And speaking of abuse, Richard Belzer tried to strangle a woman to death in the Apple Store at 67th and Broadway (Belzer’s ‘Law & Disorder’). At least, according to the victim. She approached Belzer on line and asked him if she could help him (she works there). He put his habds on her shoulders and said, “Thank God you’re here.”

The Belz assumed she knew who he was, but she didn’t. She immediately called 911 and told them she had been choked. The cops showed up, looked at the surveillance tape and decided not to press charges. The woman still filed a report of harassment.

Meaning that, in addition to Homicide, Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Trial by Jury, The Beat, The Wire, Arrested Development, Sesame Street and The X-Files, Detective Munch might be appearing in civil court.

(gung gung)

Brooklyn Assemblyman Felix Ortiz is an idiot.

He just introduced legislation that would totally eliminate the use of salt in every restaurant in the entire state of New York (CRIMINAL A-SALT). “In this way, consumers have more control over the amount of sodium they intake, and are given the option to exercise healthier diets and healthier lifestyles,” he explained to what I can only assume was laughter and things being thrown at him.

“The fact is, [salt use] brings some ramifications regarding heart disease,” he added. He then claimed that “if this legislation gets passed, we’ll save close to $32,000,000,000 in [public health care costs].”

32 billion? Yeah, that sounds about right. Idiot.

Uh-oh! Does Lindsay Lohan actually have a case (‘LOH’ BLOW PAPER TRAIL)?

An Esquire magazine reporter gained access to the TV spot’s script and found that, as Lindsay’s lawyer claims, “when the name changed from Deborah to Lindsay, the words [to describe her] also changed.”

Those words include: “slee-otch,” “cockadoodle,”"leaking diaper,” “Foodferret,” “skanky cake,” “Gutter Hound,” “Flank steak,” “Blooter,” and “Beasel.”

Says mother Dina, “[The notes are] horrific. This just proves our point. Oh my goodness, I can’t even read this, it’s so disgusting.”

The script does spell the name with an a (Lindsay).

But I had no idea they considered calling her a blooter and/or beasel. She mos def deserves $100,000,000.

Beginning at the end of March, the MTA is shutting down express service on the 5 train. For 18 months.

The MTA says this will add 5 minutes to commutes. But people who actually ride the train say it will add 30 minutes.

I hope they raise fares again soon.

Good news! Google has added “bicycle directions” to Google Maps™!

Bad news! They’ve been directing people to 65th Street Transverse (which is incredibly narrow and bike lane-less) among other bike-unfriendly areas (like the section of Williamsburg where the Hasidic community had the bike lanes removed).

I hope they have good Google Defense Attorneys™.

The Royal Opera in London has announced plans to turn Anna Nicole Smith into an opera (called “Anna Nicole”).

Too soon.

Obama signed an executive order “to expand programs that give whistleblowers a cut of health-fraud schemes they expose.”

Karen Ignani of America’s Health Insurance Plans responded by lamenting a “relentless attack on the men and women who work in our industry” and the “politics of vilification.”

Thank you, President Obama.

And Karen? Not all of them, surely, but most of the people who work in your industry are the scum of the earth and deserve as many relentless attacks as can be waged on them (if not more).

Oh, Page Six (today on page 14). Your political cartoons are so incredibly witty! Today, it’s the interior of the restaurant serving breast-milk cheese and Eliot Spitzer and Tiger Woods are shaking with delight while eating it! It’s like an onion, there are so many layers! Give whoever drew this a Pulitzer!

On Tuesday, Levi Johnston was ordered by a judge to pay $21,000 in child support to his ex, Bristol Palin.

Regardless of whether or not he’s appealing, he’s not appealing.

Corey Haim, 38, died of an overdose yesterday. Naturally, Corey Feldman has issued a statement titled We shared not just a name but a passion.

“I am so sorry for Corey, his mother Judy, his family, my family, all of our fans, and of course my son who I will have to find a way to explain this to when he gets home from school.”

His son will be six in August.

Cindy Adams mumbles, “…Ex-President George Bush the elder suffering a form of reverse Parkinson’s. Trouble walking…”

He, like she, is not long for this world.

Mandrea!

Intolerant lacto-nuts, like most of what comes out of the author’s sour mouth, blows the breast-milk cheese story waaaaaay out of proportion, calling the cheese “the most vile substance ever fabricated.” Hi, perbole!

Just milking her infamy reprimands Lindsay Lohan for insisting that she’s the only famous Lindsay. The proof? Lindsay Wagner, Lindsay Davenport, Lindsey Buckingham, Lindsey Graham, and Lindsey Vonn. Three of these people spell their name differently, two of them I’ve never heard of.

Ratner’s Net gain for B’klyn lavishes praise over Bruce Ratner’s new stadium for the Nets. “The city needs this.” No, actually, it doesn’t (they’re 7-57!).

Call off the soda cops complains that soda is being unjustly criticized for being unhealthy. “A Coke never killed anyone.” All I need is a six-pack and three minutes alone with Peyser to prove her wrong.

Membrs of Sigma Alpha Epsilon at the University of Kentucky thought it would be funny to wrap a brother in toilet paper and set him on fire. The victim rolled on the ground to extinguish himself, setting fire to the rug.

He suffered first-degree burns to his hands and the fraternity house burned down.

(cue: “The Greatest Love of All”)

A Brooklyn judge (Nina Gershon) has ordered that the ban on funding ACORN be lifted.

(waves miniature U.S.S.R. flag)

Which asshole gets to speak what passes for their mind in today’s POST OPINION? Why it’s Rep. Peter Hoekstra (R-Mich.)! But why read A Gitmo Deal With the Devil when you can watch this?

Citigroup is up another $0.14, making it $3.96/share.

Nomar Garciaparra signed a one-day contract with the Red Sox yesterday and then announced his retirement.

In a completely unrelated story, Don Mattingly is expected to become the new manager of the L.A. Dodgers in 2012.

And in a loosely-related but ultimately depressing story, Joba gave up six runs on five hits (including a grand slam) yesterday (plus three walks), bringing his ERA to 27.00. Guess who isn’t going to be our fifth starter this season.

As I mentioned earlier, the Nets now have a win percentage of 10.9%. They are 7-57. They are awful.

The weekend is less than 30 hours away. If only I could nap until then.

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