Archive for March 14th, 2010

Soon… duck bacon.

14th March
2010
written by jed

Saturday was chock full of news (and power outages). But if you can read this, I’ll assume you weren’t affected (or the outages are over).

The Taxi & Limousine Commission estimate: 1,872,078 trips where passengers were illegally charged a higher rate; 35,558 drivers have illegally overcharged at least one passenger; passengers were overcharged a total of $8,330,155, or an average of $4.45 per trip; and 3,000 drivers overcharged more than 100 times. And yet… I still hate the MTA more.

Hiram Monserrate (running on the “Yes, We Can Party” ticket) is currently behind José Peralta in the polls 60-15. That’s 15% more than I currently have! Well done, scummy!

I use two time-telling devices — my computer and my phone. Both adjust for Daylight Savings Time without my doing anything. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had to physically change a clock (waves miniature American flag).

TWO homely blonde women were part of a plot to kill Lars Vilks (the Swedish cartoonist drew Mohammed as a dog! A DOG!)? And one of them posted “STOP caLLing MUSLIMG TERRORISTS!” on Facebook? And an American suspected of being involved with al Qaeda has worked at nuclear plants in New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania? Good thing we’re in Afghanistan!

Fun fact: Because they aren’t married, if Diana Taylor decides to run for the Senate (as a Republican, against Kirsten Gillibrand), Mike Bloomberg can’t fund her campaign. I wonder if they’ll get married for exactly that reason…

Can anyone explain the appeal of Kristen Stewart to me?

“My daddy’s body has disappeared,” claims LaRhonda Pettit, 48. She believes that her father’s corpse was stolen “to avoid an autopsy that would prove [her father] had been slain by someone trying to find the fortune he allegedly hid on his 62-acre estate.” And just who is (was) her father? The Godfather of Soul, James Brown. His body was dug up and where it went remains (sorry) unknown.

Disturbing: Le Whif Whiffable Coffee Powder, which is available in Manhattan at Dylan’s Candy Bar for $3.00 (or 3 for $8.00). It’s a tube through which you inhale espresso powder. Each tube is the rough equivalent of a cup of espresso. Far more disturbing: “‘That’s what I do with all of my food anyway,’ said Esther Green, a tourist from Toronto who sampled Le Whif yesterday.”

A 50-year-old walked in on his girlfriend yesterday at midnight. She was cheating on him with two (2) other men. The 50-year-old killed all three of them. He told police he “carved up the bodies of the men and dumped them in New Jersey.” I’m going to go out on a limb (sorry) and guess that the 50-year-old is Italian.

Hey, Bloomberg! What do you think of Felix Ortiz’s attempt to ban salt from all food in NYC? “I think it’s ridiculous.” Hey Felix! Respond! “If salt is a functional component of the recipe, by all means, it should be included.” And that was the last time anyone ever paid attention to Felix Ortiz.

George F. Will gives us ‘Professor’ Obama (which is kind of like Artie Lange calling someone fat) and Ralph Peters explains why Truman, Eisenhower and Reagan were great and why Clinton, Bush II and Obama all stink (Why Our ‘Post-Modern Presidents’ Fail). I made it all the way through neither.

Citigroup dropped $0.21 to $3.97/share.

The absolute funniest bit at the Oscars? Tim Robbins’ remark about what Morgan Freeman said to him about friendship on the last day of shooting The Shawshank Redemption: “Being a friend is getting the other a cup of coffee. Can you do that for me, Ted? It is Ted, isn’t it?”

The Nets lost (by 2 points!), making them 7-58 (10.8%).

Timothy Olyphant (Deadwood) stars in a new TV show (Justified) where he plays a cowboy lawman? And Walt Goggins (The Shield) co-stars? And it’s based on the work of Elmore Leonard? And it premieres this Tuesday? Sold!

TODAY

Over the last few days, JihadJane has become the nickname of choice for both of the suburban White ladies who decided to attempt the murder of a Swedish cartoonist. Today, a new nickname is added to the lexicon: Jihad Junior. That headline is a reference to the child of Jamie Paulin-Ramirez (one of the JihadJanes). He’s 6 years old and his mother taught him to say “Christians will burn in hellfire” and enrolled him in a school in Ireland where he was allegedly building pipe bombs and learning how to fire guns.

I hope we invade Ireland. They have delicious cheese.

That lady judge on American Idol who isn’t Paula or Ellen thinks that her dad has a good chance at beating Kirsten Gillibrand.

Randy disagrees, calling her father, “a little pitchy, dawg.”

The wedding that existed only in my head is off. Diana Taylor said she isn’t running against Gillibrand.

However, it seems that the rest of New York state is.

Michael Goodwin has a lot to say about a lot of things, but this is all you need to hear from today’s page:

Weiner’s for losers

“The health-care battle dishes up tons of misinformation, but I found a sure way to make sense of it. Anything Rep. Anthony Weiner supports I assume is bad for New York. Weiner allegedly represents Brooklyn and Queens, but actually represents the Democratic Party’s high-tax, big-government agenda. Take careful note of what he’s for — then run the other way.”

The early mention of “tons of misinformation” is what we in the writing business call “foreshadowing.”

The Vatican officially denounced “aggressive attempts to drag Pope Benedict XVI into the spreading scandals of pedophile priests in his German homeland.”

That’s from the first paragraph. Here’s (in its entirety) the fourth: “Benedict is also under fire for a 2001 church directive he wrote while a Vatican cardinal, instructing bishops to keep abuse cases quiet.”

Hallowed be thy name.

Over the five boroughs, 125,000 lost power yesterday. And at least 140,000 in Long Island.

Remind me again why we pay Con Ed more than the electricity is actually worth.

There’s an exhibit at MoMA where two naked people stand in a narrow doorway and guests have the option of squeezing in between them. Morgan Wolfe, 18, opted not to. Why? “It bothers me a bit… I just have no reason to.”

“It didn’t feel normal,” said Georgina Rovirosa, 26. “I’ve never walked between two naked guys like that before — not in public places.”

An “older viewer” seemed even more off-put. “They’re too close! I don’t want to rub up against them!”

Yes, but is it art?

Weird BUT true reports that the owner of a car wash in California (Aaron Zeff) had the IRS go to his workplace (unannounced) recently, and demand $202.35. How did they reach that figure? That’s the amount that Zeff neglected to pay in 2006 ($0.04) plus penalties ($202.31).

Let’s hope Zeff doesn’t own a plane.

Three of the Bay City Rollers are suing the rest of the Bay City Rollers for royalties.

I can’t believe I have a legitimate reason (in the context of “news”)  to mention the Bay City Rollers.

(waves miniature American flag)

Fun Fact: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration asked Toyota to install a “brake override” in their cars, which would fix the current “wild accelaration” problem.

In 2007. Oof.

Mbarek Lafrem, 30, of Philadelphia, tried to cut in on a dance at the Hell’s Kitchen bar Social. The woman declined his advances. Shortly thereafter, she went into the ladies’ bathroom. Mbarek followed. What happened next has yet to be determined, but the woman ended up with a broken eye socket, a broken nose, skull fractures, a busted jaw and 50 stitches on her forehead. Here’s Mbarek’s version of the events:

“I was at the bar with the girl. I went into the bathroom, and she started yelling at me. She was coming toward me, so I grabbed her by the arm. She was trying to push me, so I punched her in the face twice and pushed her back into the stall. She fell into the stall and hit her head.”

Poor guy. Three hours before he defended himself from the crazy chick who freaked out when he cornered her in the ladies’ bathroom (points at ear and makes circles), Mbarek stole some energy drinks from a bodega.

What do you say, kids? Three years? Five? Deportation back to Philly?

Q: How can you not root for the Mets?

A: In the last contract their seasonal cleaning crew (of over 200) signed, they were given health benefits “if they worked 75 days.” The minimum in this year’s contract has been changed to 90.

There are 81 home games.

Cindy Adams’ column today begins, “So this person says to me, ‘The problem with you is you’re an uber-American.’”

I’m pretty sure that person said “How do you do? You’re a shoe-in for buryin’.”

Look who wrote a book!

Killing Willis: From Diff’rent Strokes to the Mean Streets to the Life I Always Wanted reveals that Todd Bridges had an abusive father and a publicist who repeatedly tried to molest him, that his first sexual experiences were with Dana Plato (rest in peace, Dana!), and that he “even wonders if Coleman had him blackballed for a time in Hollywood.” Yeah, Todd. That’s what it was.

ASK ASHLEY!

What exactly is ’sexual napalm’? And doesn’t that seem like a bad thing? — Mike, 38, New Jersey

ASHLEY: “OK, first let me say how much of a douchebag I think John Mayer is. (Am I allowed to say douchebag in The Post? Because that is the perfect word to describe him — so I’m using it! Oh, and any man who thinks John Mayer is the man, well, you’re a douchebag, too. So there.)”

and then two paragraphs later

“Now, granted, I do not know him. And I don’t like to judge. (Because really, who am I to judge?)”

ME: “Tabasco sauce and semen. And it’s a very bad thing, unless you’re a gay fan of oysters.”


My boyfriend’s personal grooming skills are lacking, to say the least. And it’s a point of pride for him. How do I convince him to take care of the hair down there? — Maria, 39, New Jersey

ASHLEY: “Get him a subscription to GQ so he can see how grooming is um . . . healthy and the right thing to do.”

ME: “Give him crabs.”

V.A. Musetto spends half a page interviewing Greta Gerwig about working on Greenberg. He refrains from mentioning her frequent on-screen nudity, but you know that’s all he was thinking of (especially when he got home!).

The Nets lost again last night (7-59).

Can they lose 14 of their next 16 games, thereby guaranteeing a single-digit number in the win column, and at least tying the all-time worst NBA record ever (the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers finished 9-73)?

Joel Sherman suggests moving either the Yankees or the Red Sox to the AL Central (from the AL East).

It’d be nice to beat them in the ALCS as opposed to the ALDS….

It looks like the top of the order on Opening Day will be Jeter, Johnson, Teixeira, Rodriguez.

Barring injuries.

(knocks wood)

The weather remains awful, but we’re having friends over for brunch (duck bacon!) so we’re holed up for the day. My folks are still without power in Westchester, so feel free to bring them soup and candles.

Until tomorrow, I remain.

0 Comments
Dailies