Archive for March 17th, 2010

Swinger Tiger back in action has two double entendres! TWO! But all it actually means is that Woods is competing at the Masters in April. Yawn. Thankfully there’s a second front-page story: HACK OF A GUY!

Apparently, NYU anesthesiologist Dr. Mitchell Lee was charged $7 for a ride that usually costs $5 (he always takes a cab home from work, always on the same route). When he asked the driver why the fare was so high, the driver challenged him. But when Lee insisted that the fare was inflated, the driver told him to “pay what you normally pay.”

The quick-thinking Lee instead paid for the entire fare — with his credit card. Then he lodged an online complaint with the TLC. That complaint set in motion an investigation that revealed $8,300,000 in bullshit charges levied by cabbies on their unsuspecting passengers.

“It’s nothing. I certainly don’t feel like a hero,” said Lee.

What about now, after the Post put you on their cover with a punny headline, next to the Tiger Woods double-double entendre?

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Parents with twins are 17% more likely to “end up divorced, broke and out of work,” according to the Twins and Multiple Births Association. Especially if the twins look like those girls in The Shining.

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American Airlines has joined Delta and JetBlue in asking that the fine for making passengers sit on the tarmac for more than three hours be waived until the main runway at JFK is oprational again.

That’s three of America’s largest airlines complaining that punishing them from making you sit on the tarmac for more than three hours is unfair.

Plus, you might get cancer from the new x-ray machines. And you get to pay more for your tickets now!

(furiously waves miniature American flag)

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Here’s a nice video for you:

That’s Karla Giraldo, the girlfriend/abuse victim of Hiram Monserrate. Such enthusiasm! Such passion! I’ll definitely vote for Hiram!

What’s that? The election was yesterday? Oh. Well, surely Hiram won, right?

No. José Peralta got 65% of the vote and Hiram got 27%. But don’t worry! Hiram (who called his attempt to reclaim the seat he was ousted from “a battle of Goliath proportions”) intimated that he’ll run for Peralta’s old seat in the Assembly.

I wish I had faith in the idea that he’ll never be elected to any office ever again, but he got 27% of the vote (the Republican challenger, Judge Robert Beltrani got 7%).

This is why I avoid Queens.

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An ex-dishwasher at Patsy’s on East 60th Street claims that the employees there are paid very little ($5.50/hour) and forced to work 60-hour weeks (6 10-hour days). He has filed a class action lawsuit against the pizzeria’s corporate parent, Arista Associates.

Patsy’s insists that they are being set up, that they’ve been duped, that they’re nothing more than… oh, what’s that word…

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According to a Wall Street Journal/NBC poll, half of the respondents (how many were there and who/where were they? I have no idea) “would vote to replace every single member of Congress if they were given a choice.”

Unfortunately, Obama has replaced elections with socialism.

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PELOSI IN SLEIGHT OF HAND She’s conjuring no-vote tactic on health care tells of the “convoluted procedure” (also called “a bizarre parliamentary tactic” that was “denounced as trickery and a crass power play by GOP lawmakers”) that Rep. Louise Slaughter (D – Niagara Falls) “would craft” to “push health-care reform through Congress” called the “self-execution rule” — which (in the same damn sentence!) the Post admits “has been used by both parties in Congress.” But how is that possible if Slaughter still hasn’t crafted it yet?

It’s a deeming resolution (also known as “deem and pass”). Democrats did it 49 times in 2007 and 2008. Republicans did it 36 times in 2005 and 2006 (even though Louise Slaughter is only now concocting it in her laboratory).

Here’s a quote from political scientist Norm Ornstein: “Any veteran observer of Congress is used to the rampant hypocrisy over the use of parliamentary procedures that shifts totally from one side to the other as a majority moves to minority status, and vice versa. But I can’t recall a level of feigned indignation nearly as great as what we are seeing now from congressional Republicans and their acolytes at the Wall Street Journal, and on blogs, talk radio, and cable news. It reached a ridiculous level of misinformation and disinformation over the use of reconciliation, and now threatens to top that level over the projected use of a self-executing rule by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.”

Hmmm… who owns the Wall Street Journal again? Oh, right! The same guy who owns the Post! And Fox News! Rupert Murdoch! Hooray!

Naturally, Churley Hurt joins the fray of misinformation (Slaughter featured in Nancy’s House of horror) by calling the Democrats “evil scientists” and “death panelists,” health-care reform “their Frankenstein bill” and a “rotting corpse,” and deeming resolution “some creative legislative sorcery.”

But my favorite comparison? “[Louise Slaughter's proposal] is like the spurned boyfriend who breaks into his ex-girlfriend’s house and abducts her at knifepoint in a senseless scheme to convince her he really is a good guy and she should take him back.”

The editorial on page 30 calls it “tearing a hole in the Constitution.”

The Post likes its coffee black and its indignation feigned.

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I turn the page and there’s Michael Goodwin. Sigh.

The only piece worth mentioning today is PUNCHING-BAG PALIN.

“Rielle Hunter, the John Edwards ‘you’re so hot’ hussy, finds the pictures she posed for ‘repulsive.’ That’s what you call common ground. Imagine if her Johnny had been elected president. America dodged a bullet with this creep. Yet in most mainstream media, Sarah Palin, who only ran for vice president after she was nominated, still gets hammered far more than he does. Why is that? Inquiring minds want to know.”

1) Why is Rielle Hunter a hussy while Ashley Dupre (who did it for the money — with numerous strangers) is your co-worker?

2) Edwards was never nominated for the presidency.

3) Why is Palin hammered more? Because Edwards realized that his career was over and he went away. Palin continues to open her shrill mouth and give speeches to American’s Scariest Idiots™ where she rails against the mainstream media (despite being employed by the most mainstream media of all — which you also work for, Mike!) and explains why writing “lift American spirits” on her hand proves that she knows more about policy than that socialist Obama. Sarah Palin is stupid — she proves it every day. That people continue to prop her up as the GOP’s best and brightest would be hilarious if it wasn’t so terrifying.

4) That you closed with the National Enquirer’s old tagline isn’t lost on me. It indicates sarcasm to me. It tells me that you know better but you want more letters from morons telling you how you “hit the nail on the head” and are “right on the money” and “got it exactly right” about Sarah Palin. Which makes you worse than stupid.

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Now Honda is recalling over 412,000 cars with (possibly) faulty brakes.

And yet, I still hate the MTA more.

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Dear Cindy Adams,

The man you are making fun of is John Edwards, not John Edward.

Sincerely,

Jed Resnik

P.S. — Please stop fighting it and just die.

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Restaurants in NYC will soon be required to post their letter grades (given to them by health inspectors) in their windows.

I think I will soon be going on a Chinese food hiatus.

Fun fact: The worst grade will be a C.

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Rep. Gregory Meeks insisted on NY1 that “we can show you the files of the individuals that we helped” if you “come to my office.”

Someone from the Post did and was told that “client confidentiality” did not permit Meeks’ office from providing that information.

I wonder what they would have said if a real reporter showed up.

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Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, has suffered a heart attack. His girlfriend, Kate Major (who used to date [shudder] Jon Gosselin), told RadarOnline that the attack was “minor” (Major called it minor!).

What a shame.

(If Lohan dies, who could possibly follow Gosselin and Lohan as Major’s boyfriend? Who could meet the high standard they’ve set for douchebaggery? Jeremy Piven?)

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The Nets lost again (this time by 24 points).

They are now 7-60 (10.4%). They play Philadelphia tonight.

Keep stinkin’, my soon-to-be neighbors!

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It’s official.

Jeter, Johnson, Teixeira, Rodriguez, Cano, Posada, Granderson, Swisher, Gardner.

(swoon)

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I actually have to venture into Manhattan tonight for an improv rehearsal from 8-10. I hope I a) make it home alive and b) avoid being vomited on.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!