Archive for March 19th, 2010

So Vile, In Fact, That We Put It On Our Cover.

19th March
2010
written by jed

TIGER IN THE ROUGH Revealed: his vile ’sext’ messages to porn-star lover continues to provide more details about Tiger Woods’ affairs than anyone could possibly want. “That’s one filthy Tiger!” begins the accompanying paragraph, which refers to the texts (sent to Joslyn James) as “shockingly lewd.” Judge for yourself.

TIGER: Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust

TIGER: I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

TIGER: Hold you down and choke you (which, according to the page 4 follow-up, is actually Hold you down while i choke you)

And that’s just waht they put on the front page! Other texts include:

TIGER: Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty, little whore

TIGER: Have you ever had a golden shower done to you?

TIGER: Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy (which I find odd, as Mercy wasn’t yet on the air when he sent this)

James has posted 122 of these messages on her website.

If you’d like to read more of them, then there’s something wrong with you.

And speaking of making sex unattractive, Lady Gaga is being sued by Rob Fusari, who claims that he helped create… whatever Lady Gaga is (Furiou$ ex’s Gaga saga). He even takes credit for coming up with her name!

The romantic aspect of their relationship ended in 2007, but not before he claims he was offered (and accepted) a 20% stake in Lady Gaga’s company. Fusari is suing for $30,000,000.

[insert "Bad Romance" joke... here]

Michael Armstrong, 42, is a court officer. On St. Patrick’s Day at 10:00 p.m. (St. Patrick’s Night?), he pulled out his Glock 9mm and “accidentally” fired off a shot outside the FBI’s headquarters at 26 Federal Plaza. He had been drinking (!). He now faces charges of reckless endangerment.

Erin Go Sleepitoff.

Emmanuel Reyes, 25, is an assistant manager at the Tribute WTC Visitor Center at Ground Zero (“Nine Years Of Being A Hole In The Ground… And Counting!”™). His bosses thought he was stealing donations, so they set up surveillance cameras. And you know what? He was. $40,500.

Somewhere, the terrorists are laughing. Hard.

Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford has agreed to pay $74,000 in fines “to resolve dozens of charges that he violated ethics laws with his campaign spending and travel.”

He remains in office; South Carolina remains a punchline.

Jesse James issued an apology yesterday (bonus points: he sent it to People magazine). “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.” Awww, how noble! He admitted his affair and took responsibility for it! Oh, wait… there’s more. “The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.” Well… it’s not a complete denial, so… I guess there’s at least some truth to the accusations, but what of the accuser?

Michelle McGee’s ex-husband (Shane Modica) claims that she just had a swastika tattooed to her stomach, dates White supremacists, and dances at strip clubs under their son’s name (Avery). “I believe that Michelle is mentally ill and should be in the care of a therapist, which the court ordered her to see, but she refuses to do so. She is supposed to take medication for bipolar disorder but she doesn’t,” Modica wrote in court papers.

Poor Sandra Bullock.

JFK Airport lost their wind-measuring equipment in last weekend’s storm. It is “expected” to be fixed today.

Feeling safer yet?

A computer glitch has sent police to Walter (83) and Rose (82) Martin’s home in Marine Park over 50 times since 2002 (NYPD has a ’senior’ moment). This past Tuesday morning, they showed up again. They broke a window in the back of the house. Both of the Martins have heart ailments.

They wrote letters to Mayor Bloomberg and Ray Kelly in 2007 and were assured that the problem had been resolved.

It obviously hadn’t.

Churley Hurt explains that deem and pass “is legislative jargon for pulling a fast one.”

But only this time. And only because it’s Democrats doing it.

Lindsay Lohan is launching the Lohan Green Tooth Brush today. It doesn’t require water (or alcohol). Using it will (allegedly) save two gallons of water a day for every person who uses one. That’s (allegedly) 600,000,000 gallons in the U.S. alone.

Assuming everyone starts using one. Which I am fairly confident will not happen.

Kirstie Alley insists that her new Organic Liaison weight-loss system is not affiliated with the Church of Scientology.

Yes, a healthy chunk of the staff are Scientologists (including Kirstie). Yes, it is located in Clearwater, Florida. Yes, their corporate headquarters is located in the same building as the World of Scientology. But Alley is threatening a lawsuit against anyone who suggests there’s an affiliation.

Kirstie Alley remains hard to look at.

Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler’s new romantic comedy opens today. I predict it will make $65,000,000. And a lot of viewers disappointed.

Retired Detective Joseph Tesoriere “beckoned an undercover Parks Service cop into a remote area at Plum Beach — a tiny sliver of Gateway National Park known for horseshoe crabs and gay hookups — and fondled himself.”

His attorney is arguing that it wasn’t public lewdness because the bushes were hiding his client’s masturbation.

Incredibly, the attorney is not Joseph Tacopina.

Scientists from Britain and Germany claim to have made a working “invisibilty cloak.”

I’ll believe it when I see it.

A couple in Westchester are suing Toyota over a crash in 2008 that killed their 5-year-old son. They say that their Lexus SUV (RX350) sped out of control. I wonder how many other lawsuits will pop up in the next few months… and how many Toyota will conclude weren’t actually their fault.

The last living wild wolverine in Michigan was found dead by hikers.

Can they still be the “Wolverine State” if there aren’t any?

I guess if New Jersey can be the Garden State, then yes.

Congratulations, Norrie May-Welby, 48, on becoming the world’s first legally gender-neutral person!

Dating’s going to be rough, though.

According to Bill O’Reilly, “If ObamaCare becomes law, about 30 percent of the primary-care doctors in America will consider leaving the medical profession.”

And then come the death panels.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives The Bounty Hunter half a star (“As tacky as Rielle Hunter.”), and two and a half stars to both The Runaways (“Girls Just Wanna Have Sex.”) and Greenberg (“Stiller waters run depressing”).

Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to both City Island (“Hilarious actors’ showcase.”) and Hubble 3-D (“3-D footage out of this world”), two and a half stars to Diary of a Wimpy Kid (“I Love You Man for preteens.”), and one star to Repo Men (“It’s schlock and Law”).

V.A. Musetto gives three stars to both Vincere (it contains “nudity, sex”) and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (it contains “nudity, violence, kinky sex”). If either film was Asian, it might have nabbed a fourth star.

Michael Riedel claims that Bebe Neuwirth is angry that her part in The Addams Family has gotten smaller. “‘Everybody’s afraid of her,’ says a production source.”

I hope this doesn’t endanger future unnecessary Broadway adaptations!

Damnit, I wish I knew about this earlier.

Nothing Lasts Forever is screening tomorrow at the 92Y Tribeca. Director Tom Schiller will introduce the movie and a collection of shorts he made for Saturday Night Live.

If you’ve never eard of Nothing Lasts Forever (1984), that’s because it was never released in America. Here’s the trailer:

My experience tells me that if I haven’t been able to see it until now, it’s probably best left unseen. But is any movie with Bill Murray, Imogene Coca and Mort Sahl even capable of being a waste of time?

The Yankees beat the Devil Rays yesterday, making them 7-8 (they’ve won as many game as the Nets!).

Chan Ho Park threw eight pitches for a scoreless inning.

Soon comes Opening Day. But not soon enough.

Fun fact: Shannen Doherty and Pamela Anderson are both competing on Dancing With the Stars, and both were married to Rick Solomon, the guy who made the Paris Hilton night-vision sex tape.

Michael Starr says that Paula Abdul is no longer connected to the Star Search remake.

But who could they possibly get with as much charisma and talent as Paula? Besides anyone?

Teresa begins her week-long vacation in just over two hours. It will be nice to actually spend time with my wife again.

And as for the rest of you, enjoy this insanely gorgeous weather!

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