Archive for March 21st, 2010

Is America Socialist Yet?

21st March
2010
written by jed

YESTERDAY

On the cover, Michelle McGee is licking a giant dagger while wearing a swastika armband and a “Death’s Head” SS hat (Sandra’s ‘heil cat’ hussy). The photo (taken last year) has a TMZ logo on it, which makes the front page even more grotesque. Some more Fun McGee Facts: She has WP (which stands for White Power, natch) tattooed on the backs of her knees and she’s the “official model for a clothing line called Angry White Girl.” B’also? One of her children (Elijah) is Jewish.

The front page has another story on it about the Historic vote on health care that is both DOWN TO THE WIRE and Thisclose to passing. How fortunate, then, that Obama gets to appear next to a crazy woman in Nazi garb (though, in fairness, his photo is way smaller).

Katherine Heigl was accepting a ShoWest award (for Female Star of the Year for some reason) and the strap on her dress came apart! The Post thinks the almost-reveal of her breast is the story. I think it’s the fact that the woman whose only 2009 release was The Ugly Truth (and who starred in 2006’s Zyzzyx Rd, which is the lowest-grossing movie of all time) is considered the Female Star of the Year.

Fun St. Patrick’s Day Parade Fact: One of the 14 “honored aides to the grand marshal” was Malachy McAllister. The grand marshal was Ray Kelly. McAllister was convicted in Ireland of plotting to kill police officers in Belfast in the 1980s. The US has been trying (unsuccessfully) to deport him back to Ireland (he currently lives in New Jersey). Erin go boom.

Lindsay Lohan might get banned from India. Remember when she Twatted “Over 40 children saved so far… within one day’s work… this is what life’s about… doing this is a life worth living,” regarding the child workers she helped rescue from sweatshops in New Delhi? Well, Indian activists pointed out a) that she never applied for a work visa when she entered their country to make a BBC documentary on child labor and b) that she “was nowhere near the country until after the rescue was made.” So, according to Britain’s Telegraph, India is considering adding her name to their “immigration blacklist.” Would that we could do the same.

Hey, Shia LeBeouf (or, as Page Six calls him, Shia Labeouf)! Say something inappropriate about Michael Douglas on the set of Wall Street 2 and how he’s dealing with his son’s recent drug conviction! “Michael Douglas was an open wound on the set. That dude is in pain. He was emotional putty on the set. A struggling man. We filmed a struggling man.” Thanks!

Eugene Havens of Herkimer, New York was banned from driving in January (while his drunk driving case was pending). He made a court appearance on Thursday, left the court, walked to his car (he drove there), “pulled out a beer, urinated and drove off.” He was immediately rearrested, brought back to court and was sentenced to two to six years in prison. The system works (but their parking lot smells)!

Lady Gaga is countersuing Rob Fusari, claiming that the contract she signed with him should be “void and unenforceable.” Does she have a c-c-c-case? Or is this just her p-p-p-oker face?

This guy makes Eugene Havens look like Lex Luthor. A 17-year-old in Washington (the state, not the president) broke into a furniture store and took cash from the register. But before he left, he used the store computer to check his MySpace page. He has since been arrested and laughed at.

The estate of Anna Nicole Smith gets NOTHING. A judge has ruled that everything from J. Howard Marshall’s estate should have gone to his son, E. Pierce Marshall (no relation to A. Whitney Brown or F. Murray Abraham). Both of these men (and Ms. Smith) are long dead (this case is 15 years old). Smith’s attorneys plan to appeal (on behalf of the paparazzo that got her pregnant and their daughter. Bobby Trendy could not be reached for comment.

Norman White, 34, is a former child-abuse prosecutor (in Brooklyn’s Crimes Against Children Unit). He and his wife, Alegra, 27, allegedly beat their 8-year-old daughter with a belt recently — for up to seven hours. Don’t shoot until you see the Whites.

Dennis Kozlowski is suing Tyco International for $75,900,000 that he claims they owe him in retirement benefits. If there was truly justice in this country, Dennis would recieve additional jail time for wasting the court’s time and resources with this bullshit.

ACT NATURALLY (the original b-side to “Yesterday”)

Before I begin, I want to give a shout-out to Stephen Hendrix of Marshall, Arkansas. He wrote in to Walter Scott’s Personality Parade to ask, “Why hasn’t The Wizard of Oz ever been remade?” Mr. Scott (not his real name) responds with The Wiz (1978) and Tin Man (2007). I respond with this.

Amazingly, Obama and Pelosi are given (most of) the front page (GIVE ‘EM HEAL). The follow-up(s) on pages 6 (not to be confused with Page Six which is today on page 16) and 7 all seem to be level-headed (Churley Hurt wrote exactly none of the pieces). There’s even a piece on the Tea Party protestors (or “Teabaggers” as they comically refer to themselves) who called Rep. John Lewis (D – Georgia) and Rep. Andre Carson (D – Indiana) “nigger” and Rep. Barney Frank (D – Massachusetts) “faggot.” They also spat on Rep. Emmanuel Cleaver (D – Missouri), who also happens to be Black (coincidence?).

Here’s a nice video my friend John Bolger found that does a fairly decent job of showing how incredibly stupid these people are.

I’m not going to post the clip of the man with Parkinson’s being ridiculed, as I find it too depressing. At least you can laugh at these people (between dry heaves).

Disney is casting females for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which will be directed by Rob Marshall (Memoirs of a Geisha, Chicago) for some reason (REAL BOOBY BOOTY). According to their casting notice, the aspiring actresses “Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

You have been warned, Heidi Montag.

The person behind the racist voice-over at the Wal-Mart in Washinton Township has been revealed as a 16-year-old from Atlantic City. The Post neglects to mention what color the teenager is.

Minor detail.

A man approached a US marshal in a security booth at Centre Street and Pearl Street, introduced himself (“Hello, my name is Mike”), and then punched the marshal in the face. Another marshal tackled Mike and arrested him. This is a slightly different story than the one I imagined based on the article’s headline (Nut punches US marshal).

Naomi Campbell says she’s getting anger management tips from Nelson Mandela.

Hasn’t that man suffered enough?

Two documentary filmmakers have managed to get inside the “rubber rooms” where teachers get full pay to sit around and wait for whatever charges are brought against them get addressed (in some cases, that doesn’t happen for years). The movie they made from their footage (The Rubber Room) will screen next month. I don’t think I have the stomach to sit through it.

What’s up Michael Goodwin today?

He claims that Hillary Clinton is waging a “jihad on Israel” (Icy chill of Hill), and praises Steve Levy (Levy adds guts & clout to weak GOP) — now that Levy is no longer a Democrat, and squirts venom at Bloomberg, Paterson and the UFT. But the main piece (Why we fear Bam big gov’t) is a masterwork of obfuscation.

“Thanks to President Obama’s statist agenda, America’s new civil war is, at heart, the mother of all culture wars. It’s the showdown between Americans who want bigger government and those who want smaller government. And it won’t be over anytime soon.”

“Either you believe America is different and should play a unique role in expanding individual liberty, or you believe we should trim our freedoms to fit international norms, as embodied by centralized authorities and global organizations like the United Nations.”

Either you think Michael Goodwin is full of shit or you think unicorns fly helicopters made of marzipan.

Courtney Love on Billy Corgan: “He wanted to be Kurt [Cobain], then he wanted to be [Marilyn] Manson, and now he wants to be Perez Hilton. What’s wrong with just being Billy?”

Incidentally, her band (Hole) is reuniting to play some shows. I believe people will go see them for the same reason people watch NASCAR events.

Cindy Adams spends her entire colun today discussing truth (Truth is, everybody lies).

“My late husband, comedian Joey Adams, had a backstage patter when visiting anyone whose show was a bomb. He’d say, ‘Max, you did it again.’ Or ‘Hey, had a little something in it for everybody.’”

Joey Adams : backstage patter :: Cindy Adams : dying

Joann Bruso left a McDonald’s Happy Meal on a shelf (a non-refrigerated, out-in-the-open shelf) for a year.

It didn’t decompose. It didn’t start to smell bad.

And yet, why we’re all fat and dying remains a puzzle to many (too many).

This guy makes that 17-year-old look like Lex Luthor.

Michael Berg, 23, passed his court-ordered drug test and decided to celebrate by getting very, very drunk. But this was a special occasion, so he also drank a shot glass filled with morphine.

He was found dead of a drug overdose a few hours later.

Michael Berg: Population 0.

In 2000, 40% of the country considered global warming “a major concern.” Now only 28% do.

Thus disproving global warming.

Michael Tanner writes The Dems bring the pain which begins, “As the health care leviathan slouches towards a final vote in the House of Representatives — or at least a final ‘deeming’” and that’s when I decided that if Tanner couldn’t be bothered to learn that the scaredy-Dems had abandoned using the perfectly acceptable “deem and pass” (days ago) then I can’t be bothered to read his article.

Peggy Noonan continues what Michael Tanner began with Obama grins & Baiers it, wherein she defends Bret Baier for interrupting every single answer President Obama gave him in their Fox News interview (“When did it become rude to actually question the President?”). And people wonder why Obama doesn’t usually give them interviews. She also points out how “deem and pass” sounds like “demon pass” and warns Obama to “Never take the country down the road to Demon Pass.”

Boy, I sure hope they don’t use deem and pass on this health-care reform.

Was a valid concern three days ago.

And what’s terrifying to me is the number of people who will go to the polls in the next election to “vote out” all of the folks who used deem and pass to see this bill through.

Jason Sudeikis lists his 10 favorite spots in MY NEW YORK, which is where I learned that he’s in The Bounty Hunter. I thoroughly enjoyed him in The Rocker, but not even Jason could make me sit through a Jennifer Aniston/Gerard Butler romantic comedy. Hell, if my parents were in The Bounty Hunter, I might not see it.

There’s a Corey Haim memorial at the Knitting Factory tonight. They’re showing Dream a Little Dream, License to Drive and The Lost Boys.

I am currently watching Firstborn, his first film, which co-stars Teri Garr, Peter Weller, Sarah Jessica Parker, Robert Downey, Jr. and J.D. Roth (who would go on to host Fox’s Fun House, which is where I remember first seeing Punky Brewster with enormous breasts).

The director is Michael Apted, who also directed the Hugh Grant/Gene Hackman/Sarah Jessica Parker movie Extreme Measures, which was released in Japan as Body Bunk.

Extreme Measures was kind of a rip-off of Coma, in which Lance LeGault made an appearance. Lance would go on to play Colonel Decker, the thorn in the sides of the A-Team. The A-Team was big in the 80’s, as was Robocop, who was played by Peter Weller.

I’m sorry, what was the question again?

ASK ASHLEY!

I just started seeing this guy. We’ve been on three dates, all of which went really well. His only communication between dates, though, is text. And sometimes, these texts go back and forth for days before I’m finally the one to suggest we make a plan. What gives? — Jen, 31, West Village

ASHLEY: “The best advice I can give you is to preoccupy yourself by continuing to play the field and go out with your girlfriends. By doing your own thing and remaining aloof, he’ll probably start to wonder more about you, which will eventually urge him to make more plans.”

ME: “He finds you boring and doesn’t know how to tell you to your face. Stop asking him out, pop in a Grey’s Anatomy DVD and feed your cats.”

How can I make my girlfriend comfortable talking during sex? — Greg, 31, Astoria

ASHLEY: “Try a few of these: ‘Does that feel good?’ ‘How does this feel?’ ‘Do you want it faster?’ Then take it from there. She’ll respond more openly if you initiate it slowly and respectfully.”

ME: “Start doing things that are painful and humiliating to her. She’ll start talking immediately. And if you don’t mind grunts in place of words, a good old-fashioned donkey punch works every time.”

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. I’m anal about keeping a straight apartment. How can I approach this so I don’t sound like a demanding mom? — Cara, 35, Park Slope

ASHLEY: “I know exactly how you feel. I am totally OCD. I like things where I like them and how I like them. [JEDITOR'S NOTE: Like strangers in my vagina for money!] I’d start by making a realistic list of things you could use some help with. Then, go down your list and delegate.”

ME: “Sounds like you’re not being anal enough, if you know what I mean.”

The Nets lost again yesterday (7-62). If they lose their next game (on Monday), their percentage will be 10.0 (it’s 10.1% now).

We’re almost there, guys! Be the worst ever! You can do it!

Here’s my iron-clad prediction as to who will be the ankees’ fifth starter this season: Whoever they choose to be their fifth starter will not end the season as their fifth starter.

And that’s Sunday (and Saturday). Enjoy the gorgeous weather today!

I’ll see yez all tomorrow.

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