Archive for March 26th, 2010

Before I begin, I just read a small piece on Heidi Montag on People’s Web site. Here’s my favorite part.

One of the characters Montag wants to play is “a lifeguard named Summer” in a script she wrote herself.

“I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!”

And while that project has yet to be greenlit, Montag is as confident as ever that she’ll make a splash in the film industry. Says Montag, “I’m now finally free to start my career and my new life as female mogul in Hollywood!”

I’m not sure Heidi understands how 3-D, Hollywood and/or boobs work.

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You know that coyote that’s been popping up all over Manhattan recently? Well, according to the entire front page (DOG DAY AFTERNOON) and the two-page follow-up, the police have finally caught him. It took “30 officers, dozens of squad cars and a chopper” to catch a 30-pound coyote. Your tax dollars at work.

It seems like an odd story to devote three pages (including page 1) to, but it beats leading with, say, the Pope being accused of personally covering up the alleged molestation of hundreds of deaf children (small article on page 16) or the package containing a suspicious white powder that was sent to Anthony Weiner’s office yesterday (an even smaller piece on page 10).

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And yet, I am constantly surprised by this paper’s unapologetic lack of substance/quality. Why do you suppose that is?

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Did you just call me crazy?

(rolls up sleeves, blows on slide whistle)

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Thanks, Public Service Commission!

They just OK’ed Con Edison’s decision to raise their rates by 4.3% next month, followed by another 4% in April 2011 and another 3.7% in April 2012. That’s 12.6%.

And that’s if wholesale electricity’s cost remains the same for the next 2 years (it won’t). So expect to pay even more than the 12.6%.

Ben Franklin is turning over in his grave.

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Two of the heiresses to the Seagram’s fortune (Clare and Sara Bronfman) have lost almost $100,000,000 investing with NXIVM, a group that conducts “group awareness seminars.” Rumor has it that Edgar (their daddy) believes NXIVM to be a cult and is going to restrict their access to their trust funds.

My heart goes out to these two easily-duped morons.

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The MTA has announced their timeline for their Draconian service cuts. My favorite one is on June 18th. That’s the day when the Staten Island Railway will no longer run to the Staten Island Yankees’ ballpark. It’s also the day of the Staten Island Yankees’ first home game. The W and V will disappear on June 25th, and the new M and Q lines will start on June 28th.

This made me tense up: “MTA chief Jay Walder said that he wouldn’t expect additional service cuts later in the year to be severe. ‘I do not think you’ll be seeing service changes of the type that you are here,’ he said.”

How about a guarantee? Or do you really need to keep open the possibility that another 110 bus lines and 15 subway lines might be removed or rerouted in 2010?

War. Criminals.

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Remember Susan Finkelstein, 44? She was the Phillies fan (phan?) who (allegedly) offered an undercover policeman sex in exchange for World Series tickets? Well, the jury found her not guilty of prostitution, but guilty of attempted prostitution.

Here’s a photo of Finkelstein and her husband.

Gorgeous.

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Robert De Niro’s chauffeur allegedly sprayed a TMZ videographer (Vladimir Labissiere, 37) with pepper spray at the Delta terminal at La Guardia Airport yesterday morning. The driver had already dropped off the De Niro family and the videographer had already finished annoying them when the driver used the spray. Somehow, he also managed to spray a 4-month-old girl (she’s OK).

Police are currently looking for the driver. When told of the events, De Niro incredulously asked What Just Happened? and then insisted that Everybody’s Fine, encouraging reporters to Analyze This and Analyze That and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

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Osama bin Laden has warned America that, if we execute Khalid Sheik Mohammed, al Qaeda “will kill any Americans it takes prisoner.”

Remind me… what was the name of that American that al Qaeda took prisoner and then let go? Oh, that’s right. They behead American prisoners anyway.

Thanks for the warning, Osama! Now get back in your cave!

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Adam Clayton Powell IV was acquited of drunk driving, but convicted of driving while impaired.

He was fined $1,000, will have his license revoked for 90 days and will attend a drunken-driving class (“Firsht, y’gotta make shir ‘at yer keysin thignishin…”).

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Port Authority Inspector Susan Durett recently blocked firefighters from assisting an injured hardhat at Ground Zero. She’s one of the highest-ranking women in the entire police force, and the “top police commander at the World Trade Center site.”

She was arrested on Friday night in Chatham, New Jersey for drunken driving.

This is why women shouldn’t ever be allowed to do anything — except the dishes.

(high-fives men, gets kicked in the shin by wife)

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Michael Lohan is pitching a new reality show wherein Jon Gosselin’s ex-girlfriends would travel across the US in an RV.

I think it’s called No Wonder My Daughter Is A Drunken Trainwreck.

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Aha! Thank you, Detective Comics!

Remember on March 9th when Cindy Adams “overheard” someone complaining about this year’s Oscar hosts?

“Wasn’t funny. Those guys Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were nice, but so what? My uncle is also nice.”

I said that it sounded phony. That no one would actually say that to anyone else under any circumstances, let alone at an Oscar after-party. Enter today’s column and Cindy’s piece about Rick Lazio: “He’s a very nice man. My uncle Morris is also a very nice man. My uncle Morris won’t be governor and neither will Rick Lazio.”

I totes told you so.

Also in today’s death rattle, Cindy laments that Obama isn’t focusing on jobs and the economy enough. “They’re too busy with our calories. And whether we’re eating lead paint off the walls. Next up will be a form whereby if you earn more than $250,000 a year for a family of five — you’re not allowed to have sex without Joe Biden’s written permission.” Joey Adams, who also wasn’t funny, would be proud.

And while Cindy isn’t taking the dirt nap she so richly deserves, she is going on vacation until the day after Easter.

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Christian Shostle was a producer at TMZ. He took a medical leave of absence last March for depression and returned in April. He claims that, when he returned, he “had to endure working on assignments with co-workers who were drinking and using illegal drugs.” He says he complained and was fired.

Maybe I’ll head into Midtown today and ask Harvey Levin for his reaction while he interviews people for The People’s Court.

(does he still do that?)

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Puke Penises (sorry, Ralph Peters) declares March 24, 2010 “the worst day for US diplomacy in recent memory” in his oddly-titled Bam’s Triple-Diplo-Whammy Day. I would think that the day Bush lied to the American people in order to start a war with a country that didn’t attack us, leading to the unnecessary deaths of thousands of Americans (and more every day) and our country’s reputation as a nation that doesn’t care what the rest of the world thinks was a worse day for US diplomacy, but then I don’t have any books to sell.

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Bill O’Reilly begins his column (‘Social Justice’ vs. Freedom) with a Kris Kristofferson quote (“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”) and sums up the country’s division over ObamaCare to “individual freedom versus federal power.” What I find odd is that O’Reilly, such a valiant general in the War on Christmas, would seem to align himself against “social justice.” Has Glenn Beck gotten to him, too?

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Citigroup is back up to $4.27/share.

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MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives three stars to both Hot Tub Time Machine (“raunchy, endearing and often hilarious”) and The Eclipse (“Offbeat charmer.”) and one star to Godspeed (“quite a slog”).

Kyle Smith gives two stars to both How to Train Your Dragon (“Retrain the writers, this story is draggin’.”) and Chloe (“It’s steamy, not dreamy”), three stars to Lbs. (“Indie pulls its weight”), and two and a half stars to Waking Sleeping Beauty (“Tooned to reborn Disney”) [JEDITOR'S NOTE: I don't know what that last one is supposed to mean].

V.A. Musetto gives Dancing Across Borders two stars (it has “nothing objectionable” in it) and three stars to Bluebeard (it contains “sexuality” and Musetto says the “sex is more suggested than acted out — smoldering like a volcano ready to erupt.”).

Pete Hammond remains in hiding.

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Chloe Sevigny gave an interview to The Onion recently wherein she said of Big Love’s fourth season, “It was awful. I’m not allowed to say that. It was very telenovela. I feel like it got away from itself. The whole political campaign [storyline] seemed very far-fetched. Me and the girls [Jeanne Tripplehorn and Ginnifer Goodwin] were not very happy with where [the show] was going. God, I’m going to get into so much trouble!”

I wonder why she doesn’t work more.

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Michael Starr wants you all to know that Kara DioGuardi was shopping at Ann Taylor on Madison Avenue recently.

Keep up the great work, Mike!

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The weather remains awful, but try to have a great weekend regardless.