Archive for March 28th, 2010

Michael Goodwin Has No Shame.

28th March
2010
written by jed

SATURDAY IN BRIEF

Compared to the 2009 numbers, murders are up 22%, shootings are up 21.2%, rapes are up 11.3%, felony assaults are up 6% and burglaries are up 3.6%. Let’s hear it for New York!

The Uma Thurman movie Motherhood opened in London, England last weekend. It grossed $131.00. On Sunday, one ticket (costing $13 — almost 10% of its total box office) was sold. When she heard the news, the film’s producer (Jana Edelbaum) said, “It’s a very decent movie. I’ve seen movies that are not half as good.” Luckily, the filmmakers left room for a sequel.

Dr. Leslie Vosshall spent five years in New York City studying which smells “up to 500 volunteers” liked and disliked. Their favorite was vanilla, their least favorite was sweaty socks and the consensus was that buttered popcorn smells “pretty unpleasant” (which I find pretty ridiculous).

The New York Times claims that “Governor” Paterson gave his press secretary “key points” to include in a press release about “the dispute between David Johnson and Sherr-una Booker last Oct. 31 — including that it was not violent.” Oof.

Gilbert Arenas was sentenced to “two years’ supervised probation and a 30-day stay at a halfway house” for threatening his teammate last December. Sigh.

Page Six (today on page 10) reports that George Michael was “trolling on the men-only Web site Grindr under the name ‘Back for Wood.’” I was not aware that he ever took a break from wood.

Chloe Sevigny claims that her criticisms of Big Love were not how she really felt. “I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying… sometimes things slip out that you don’t mean, and I obviously didn’t mean what I said in an way, shape or form.” Obviously.

Sarah Palin has started stumping for John McCain (she must feel like McCain felt when he stumped for Bush, if she’s at all capable of feeling). “Everyone here supporting John McCain, we are all part of that Tea Party movement,” she told a rally of people who frighten me.

Detectives have uncovered “dozens of tubes of skin-whitening cream in Michael Jackson’s home.” Quelle surprise.

The first male prostitute at the Shady Lady Ranch in Nevada is quitting. Markus (who was ridiculed by an ugly woman who writes for the Post) brought in less than 10 clients since he began hooking in January. Shady Lady has already replaced him with a Las Vegas man who calls himself Y. Not. Why not indeed.

Just before he died in 1985, Orson Welles yelled at someone for pouring a glass of milk the wrong way or coughing incorrectly. But before that, he recorded narration for a children’s movie called Christmas Tails (“It’s a movie about how Santa’s dog saves Christmas”). It’s being made into a 3-D movie. I can’t wait. And by can’t I mean can.

Mayor Bloomberg on the recent slashing of bus and subway lines by the MTA: “This is just the beginning. The next round, I would think, would be much worse.” Fantastic. On a side note, there were no express trains on the red line today, so I took a 1 train from 14th Street to Columbia University… until it decided to become a 2 train and take me to 110th and Central Park North. I had just enough time to find a cab to get me to rehearsal on time (goodbye, $8!). Coming home, I took a 1 to 14th Street where I found out there were no Brooklyn-bound F trains stopping there. So I waited for an F to take me to 34th Street and then waited for an F to take me home (total round-trip commute: 3.5 hours). The MTA is despicable.

Does this infuriate you like it infuriates me? Saverio Todaro, 67, made a plea deal that has a “recommended sentence of 51 to 63 months.” What did he admit to? “Filing hundreds of phony reports that certified city buildings as toxin-free” (he owns a lead- and asbestos-inspection company). I recommend that the judge ignore the recommendation and sentence this scumbag to die in a cell (preferably one with questionable insulation).

David Paul Kuhn writes an editorial called Why Democrats Are Losing White Men and explains that the (alleged) mass exodus “could well lead to a GOP landslide on a scale not seen since 1994.” He sure does seem to know a lot about White folks (for a Kuhn).

Starting in June, News Corp. will charge $1.48 (1 pound) for one-day access to The Times (and The Sunday Times) in the UK, or $2.96 (2 pounds) for a full week of access. My guess (/hope)? It will be a spectacular failure.

Marianna Pasternak writes in her new book that, during a dinner she attended with Martha Stewart and Sam Waskal, “I see Martha make a fist, with her index finger extended, and her hand suddenly goes straight into the front of the man’s pants, and she poked it, and she says, ‘And how is that?!’ And the man turns to me and says, ‘Did you see what she just did?’ I was going to laugh, but at the same time I felt so sorry for the poor man. Sam immediately said, ‘Martha, girls don’t poke, they stroke.’” And that’s a good thing.

Joe Nathan (of the Twins) had Tommy John surgery and will miss the entire season.

The Nets won. They are now 9-63. Bastards. They can’t even be the worst correctly. Fun fact: For the first time this season, they won two games in a row.

Don Johnson is expected to return to TV in a new sitcom called Southern Discomfort. He will play “a tough, hardcore conservative Texan whose life is turned upside down when his grown kids move back in.” I’m already pre-emptively changing the channel.

Linda Stasi on the new TV show Victorious: “There is a huge amount of over-acting, corny dialogue and a terribly terribly, [sic] loud laugh-track.” She gives it three stars. Seriously.

SUNDAY IN BOXERS

Three things litter today’s cover: Mike Bloomberg dressed as a hippie (Groovy Bloomy!), a young lady (who isn’t Ashley Dupre!) dressed like a whore (Would you let your daughter go to prom in THIS!?), and PETTY WOMAN (with a photo of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman), the story of a man who is suing the hooker he “tried to marry and save from a life as an ‘escort’ only to have her walk off with the cash.”

The Bloomberg piece is on his Inner Circle charity “musical spoof” of Hair (called Mair! Get it?), which included an appearance by Jersey Shore’s Snooki and songs like “Times Square” (instead of “Hair”!) and “The Age of Mike-quarius” (I’m not sure which song that’s a spoof of).

The (dressed like a) whore piece is about how teenage girls are dressing extra-slutty for prom nowadays. The manager of a dress store in Brooklyn says, “The parents might say no at first, but I don’t think anyone can convince these girls to get a dress besides the one they really want.” So I guess MTV is still good for something.

And the (actual) whore story (her name is Lindsey DeLeon, 26, and she has two kids) is boring and will continue to be so… until Lindsay Lohan sues her for copyright infringement (“When people here that Lindsey is sleeping around, they’ll assume it’s me!”).

700,000 tax delinquents (people and companies) in New York owe $47,500,000,000 in back taxes. That billion with a b. The state Department of Taxation and Finance sent these delinquents “invitations” offering to forgive 80% of penalties for bills over six years old and 50% for bills three to six years old. They hoped to raise $250,000,000 this way. They raised $50,000,000.

Hey! I have an idea! Instead of extending an olive branch, why not pretend they’re the criminals they are and just take what’s due? I doubt the IRS would schmooze me like this if I owed any back taxes. Or if they found my moonshine distilleries.

“Jews might be dealing with an 11th plague this Passover — the mumps.” So begins Plague on Passover, an article that details an outbreak of the mumps in New York and New Jersey Orthodox Jews which is believed to have started by an 11-year-old who returned from Britain with the disease and then spread it to other kids at a boys’ camp in Sullivan, New York.

I see Orthodox Jews on the subway all the time, which is why I’m a little disturbed by the Post’s insistence that only Hasidim need be concerned.

“A city in eastern China has been identified as the world capital of cyber-espionage by a US Internet security company.”

If only the government there could somehow monitor what happens online…

Another crane fell down, this time hitting a building on Maiden Lane near Wall Street.

New York City has more falling cranes than an origami class during an earthquake.

Tip your waitstaff.

The headline: SI granny dies after 911 error

The story: The daughter of a 94-year-old called 911 when she noticed her mother was having difficult breathing. She gave the NYPD dispatcher the address, but when the call was transferred to the FDNY, their computers listed a different address. This caused a four-minute delay in response time.

The daughter’s quote buried in the seventh paragraph that changes the meaning of “after” in the headline from “because of” to a strictly time-based one: “The operator called me back to say they were at the wrong address, but it wouldn’t have made a difference if they were here.”

The Post: A terrible newspaper.

Nestled in a corner of page 10 is Saudis spread jihad to Balkans, a three-sentence piece credited to the Sunday Times of London which claims that Saudi Arabia is “pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into Islamist groups in the Balkans to spread hatred of the West and recruit fighters for jihad in Afghanistan.”

Good thing the Saudis are friendly with the Bushes!

J.D. Shapiro gets all of page 12 to bring us I penned the suckiest movie ever — sorry! which describes how he wound up writing the first draft of Battlefield Earth (his draft was much better, he assures us). He does not, however, apologize for co-writing Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

Michael Goodwin says a lot today (including patting Sarah Palin on the back for her “loyalty” to John McCain — HA!), but the thing that made me do a triple-take is Pray tell, Gray Lady.

“Is it my imagination, or is the New York Times enjoying itself too much with its coverage of whether Pope Benedict helped hide a perv priest 30 years ago? OK, that was a trick question. It’s not my imagination. Slamming the Church is their catnip.”

Firstly, the Post has written nothing about this story in print. NOTHING. If you do a search of “Pope Benedict” on the Post’s Web site, you’ll find Dolan defends pope in sex-abuse scandal (posted today) wherein the paper claims that New York’s archbishop Timothy Dolan said that the Pope “is suffering the same slings and arrows as Jesus did before his crucifixion.” That’s the sum total of this paper’s coverage.

Secondly, “perv priest” sounds like the name of an improv group. Why not say “man who molested and raped hundreds of deaf children” instead? And why not share the facts with everyone not about what Ratzinger “allegedly” did, but what he actually did. Or would that make your aloof quip about how the NYT is always out to get the poor Church harder for people to swallow/stomach?

Have you no shame, Michael? OK, that was a trick question, too.

Brian Quintana is going to run against Barbara Boxer in the next election. And who, pray tell, is Mr. Quintana?

According to the Post, he co-produced Superman: Man of Steel (which is still in pre-production and has a 2013 target date) and is currently suing Jon Peters for sexual harassment.

The soundbites practically write themselves (“She may be a Boxer, but I’m a fighter — of hands on my tushy!”).

Merton (of ChatRoulette fame) “met last week with MTV Senior VP Ross Martin to discuss opportunities with the network.” But how can Merton make teenage girls want to dress like whores? And why are they talking to a musician?

How creepy is this?

Rep. Gregory Meeks, who has no idea where that money he raised for Hurricane Katrina victims went — honest!, recorded a “robo-call” to be played for Louisiana residents wherein he blasts Congressman Joseph Cao for voting against the health-care bill.

This guy has gigantic balls and I truly hope someone punches them soon.

A Russian judge denied the request of a family that wanted to name their child “BOCh RVF 26062002.”

Here is a partial list of names that Russian judges have approved in the past (all of them are real): Leaf Salad, Aviation Dispatcher, Privatization, Viagra, Simply a Hero.

As if living in Russia wasn’t punishment enough.

Kyle Smith writes a spiteful, hateful piece on Obama and his hatred of New Yorkers.

Kyle Smith is adorable.

NYC Transit Chief Thomas Prendergast on the recent MTA service cuts: “It’s on an order of magnitude unlike anything I’ve seen in 35 years.”

The Post runs the results of that recent Harris poll (the one that says 24% of Republicans think Obama is the Anti-Christ), but it doesn’t run the Republican results, just the broader ones. So it’s 14% of respondents who think that. And only 40% think he’s a Socialist. And only 25% think he wasn’t born here. And only 23% think he’s Anti-American.

(waves miniature flag of anywhere but here)

Oh, Peggy Noonan. Were you ever relevant?

In POKING THE BEE’S NEST, she warns us that “politicians need to cool things down before they explode.” I agree. Then she insists that Republican officials are being harassed and threatened just as much as Democratic ones. Because I’m not an idiot, I strongly disagree.

It’s just like the Catholic Church. Instead of being honest and dealing with legitimate problems, they say that the percentage of priests who are pedophiles is much lower than reported. Instead of admitting that Democrats are being targeted by insane people — and calling for an end to the attacks — the GOP insists that they’re being targeted, too.

I wish.

The PULSE section contains “the 40 funniest quips of the year” from various comedians. The only one that made me chuckle was Gilbert Gottfried’s: “I went to a Chinese psychiatrist. An hour later, I was crazy again.”

Hill Country (a restaurant on West 26th Street) has a drink called “The Eliot Spritzer” which they created “in honor of Ashley Dupre.” Says the owner, “We’ve never met her, but we heard she lived nearby.” See that, kids? If you work hard and become a prostitute, then maybe one day a man will name a drink after one of your many clients in honor of you (if you live in the area)!

Fun Fact: The producer of the Broadway adaptation of Green Day’s American Idiot is actor Tom Hulce (Animal House, Amadeus).

ASK ASHLEY!

My girlfriend gets home from work on the early side, but has to be up and out by 8:30 a.m., while I tend to work late in a studio and don’t have to be at work until noon. This makes finding time to have sex really difficult. How do we make this work? — Adam, 29, Brooklyn

ASHLEY: “Well, I’ve never understood people who schedule sex. (Really, can anything be less sexy?).”

ME: “Have sex on the weekend. Also, I find having sex with strangers for money to be less sexy than scheduling sex.”

My boyfriend likes to rip and break things — from my underwear to throwing nearby objects — during sex. Is this normal? — Jessie, 31, East Village

ASHLEY: “I know when I’m drinking, I like rough sex.”

ME: “I’m pretty sure you’re dating a gorilla.”

I’m a doer, while my boyfriend is a couch potato. How do I convince him to be more active? — Anna, 28, West Village

ASHLEY: “At the end of the day, what you may enjoy, he may not — and that’s OK.”

ME: “Be more interesting.”

The Nets lost. They’re 9-64 now (12.3%).

But who cares anymore?

It’s pretty late. I’m off to see the acountant tomorrow morning, so I might be a little late with the writing.

Deal with it.

1 Comment
Dailies