Archive for March 31st, 2010

BULL SHIT!

31st March
2010
written by jed

Sorry, I misread the headline again. It actually says BULL SIT! and it is regarding the “big federal grant” that “state education officials lost out on” because they admitted that “they’d have used a $200,000 chunk of it for expensive new desks and chairs — not for the kids in ramshackle classrooms, but for their own offices.” The grant they’re referring to is the “Race to the Top” and, of the 16 states that reached the finals, New York placed 15th.

South Carolina and Texas tied for 51st.

Also on the cover is Inside story: The bad boys who led Tiger astray. When you turn to pages 10 and 11, there’s a two-page full-color shot of Loredana Jolie Ferriolo lying naked on a bed, surrounded by issues of the Post with Woods on the cover. Nothing wakes me up in the morning like naked whore ass.

The bad boys the headline refers to are Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley. This is according to the “explosive new interview” with Tiger’s “long-time former adviser” (John Merchant) in the new Vanity Fair. The story continues on page 24. And thank God! Because I really wanted to read more quotes from the skanks Woods slept with over the years (can you believe he made Jamie Jungers fly coach when he’d fly her out for sex!?!).

In 2009, New York City’s 311 line received 224 calls for every 100 residents (NY’s winning at whining).

Comparatively, Pittsburgh’s got 16 for every 100 residents. But the winner is San Francisco’s 311 — they got 446 calls for every 100 residents. Their most common complaint? “This brunch is far from adorable.”

As if naked whore ass wasn’t enough, page 3 is a full-color photo (from this week’s Us Weekly) of Sandra Bullock’s husband (Jesse James) with that SS hat, using two of his left hand’s fingers to fashion a Hitler mustache and raising his right arm in a “sieg heil” salute.

Us also has the scoop on a foursome that James had with Michelle McGee, Eric McDougall (who is quoted as saying, “[Sandra] should definitely get tested for HIV and STDs — I would.”) and (I swear I’m not making this up) Skittles Valentine.

Bombshell McGee and Skittles Valentine: The stripperiest names I’ve heard in years (though I will always have a fondness for April Chest).

Michael Jackson’s father “intends to file a wrongful-death lawsuit” against his son’s doctor in the next few weeks.

He would also like to know if you are finished with that sandwich.

Central Park got 10.65 inches of rain this March, making it the wettest March in New York’s history.

Wettest March is another great stripper name.

The law that forces adult video and bookstores to have 60% of their stock be non-pornographic (if you ever have some time to kill, check out the non-porn shelves in these places — they’re so half-assed it’s hilarious) might be getting revoked because a judge feels that many of these shops are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” that only pretend to be non-adult.

Well… yeah — they have to, it’s the law!

A 23-year-old Texan jumped from the 86th floor observation deck of the Empire State Building yesterday.

Despite his belt buckle taking the brunt of the impact, he did not survive the fall.

Michael Goodwin’s blatherings are, as per usual, worthless. But he does provide a quote from the ex-wife of the “Christian” man (David Stone) charged with planning to kill a random policeman and then blow up the funeral (I hadn’t heard that detail before).

“It started out as a Christian thing. You go to church. You pray. You take care of your family. I think David started to take it a little too far.”

But only a little.

According to Page Six (today on page 12), Ashley Dupre was at the Pajamas and Lingerie Party at the Playboy Mansion last weekend “in a bathrobe on the arm of a mystery man.”

That’s a strong guy!

(b’also, he should get tested)

Andrew 9iu11ani (son of Rudy 9iu11ani) was suing Duke for kicking him off their golf team. A judge just threw the case out of court.

I wonder if he knows that his father once married his cousin.

The good news: There are security cameras at 30 subway stations in Manhattan.

The bad news: None of them record video.

The MTA, ladies and gentlemen.

Two men knocked a woman unconscious and then raped her on a bench in Jackson Square Park on West Fourth Street — at 11:35 a.m. on Monday.

A witness called police and the men were immediately apprehended.

Still, that’s a nice area and for something like that to happen (in broad daylight, no less!) is jarring.

Cameron’s dad’s car from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is being auctioned off next month. It is “fully drivable” and is expected to fetch between $45,000 and $60,000.

Baump baump. Chick. Chicka-chicka.

The staffer who charged $1,946 to the Republican National Committee (for a “lunch” at a bondage club in Hollywood) has been fired.

For some reason, Michael Steele still has a job, though.

Thieves recently tunneled into a Credit Lyonnais bank in Paris, making off with almost 200 safety-deposit boxes. Well done!

Stateside, Patricia Edwards, 51, was walking down the street when she decided to rob a bank. “There was no plan, nothing — just impulse. I just walked by. I said, ‘I’m gonna go in there.’” She handed the teller a note, got some cash and spent three days on the run before being caught. When asked by the police why she did it, she answered that robbing a bank was on her “bucket list. I think everyone should have a list of things they want to do before they expire.” Not well done!

Jonah Goldberg asks Who’s Doing the Fearmongering Here?

“And videos make it clear that what Cleaver called spitting was a protester spraying too much saliva while talking.” Really? I watched the tape, too. The protester’s hands covered his mouth so you can’t say either way whether he purposely spit or not. And all of the other excuses offered (“a few repugnant signs”… “the coffin was part of a protest over the death of ‘our freedoms’”… “Democrats and their media transmission belt… largely ignored partisan vandalism and extremist rhetoric against Republicans for eight years”) cement Goldberg’s reputation as a moron. He feigns outrage at something written on The Daily Beast (whatever that is) about how a militia leader (Mike Vanderboegh) calling for “sons of liberty” to smash Democrats’ windows has “parallels, intentional or not, to the Nazis’ heinous 1938 Kristallnacht.” Goldberg says that suggesting that “cheapens the moral horror of the Holocaust.”

Jonah Goldberg, as I mentioned earlier, is a moron.

Pulino’s Bar and Pizzeria stole my idea.

Their breakfast pizza contains sausage, bacon, mozzarella, cheddar and eggs.

Bastards.

Pete Hammond is back!

In an ad for the new Miley Cyrus movie (The Last Song), he calls it “AN UNFORGETTABLE, TOUCHING AND WONDERFUL MOVIE.”

Lou Lumenick reviews the film on the next page and gives it zero stars (“And hopefully Miley’s last movie.”).

Welcome back, Pete!

The first episode of Sarah Palin’s Real American Stories will air tomorrow night on Fox News. Her guests will include Toby Keith and LL Cool J. The former was already on my ignore list, the latter was just added.

Linda Stasi reviews A&E’s Fugitive Chronicles. “The result is a terrific package — built around some incredibly frustrating and horrific tales, and even some inadvertently funny ones.”

Three stars.

Oh! I almost forgot! On March 25th, Stasi ripped the TV movie Amish Grace for “creating lead characters who were never there because they don’t exist.” On March 28th, in an interview in the Post’s TV Week, the movie’s executive producer explained that “In dramatizing it, it was important to see [the events] through the eyes of a character. We couldn’t base it on a real Amish character — because of their beliefs they cannot be portrayed in the media — so we created a character who, we feel, takes the audience through this emotional arc in a way that’s very real and understandable, yet at the same time protects the privacy of the Amish.”

Keep up the horrible work, Linda!

New Modern Family on tonight. And a new South Park.

Everything’s comin’ up Milhouse!

Happy Hump Day, ever’buddy!

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