Archive for March, 2010
YESTERDAY
On the cover, Michelle McGee is licking a giant dagger while wearing a swastika armband and a “Death’s Head” SS hat (Sandra’s ‘heil cat’ hussy). The photo (taken last year) has a TMZ logo on it, which makes the front page even more grotesque. Some more Fun McGee Facts: She has WP (which stands for White Power, natch) tattooed on the backs of her knees and she’s the “official model for a clothing line called Angry White Girl.” B’also? One of her children (Elijah) is Jewish.
The front page has another story on it about the Historic vote on health care that is both DOWN TO THE WIRE and Thisclose to passing. How fortunate, then, that Obama gets to appear next to a crazy woman in Nazi garb (though, in fairness, his photo is way smaller).
Katherine Heigl was accepting a ShoWest award (for Female Star of the Year for some reason) and the strap on her dress came apart! The Post thinks the almost-reveal of her breast is the story. I think it’s the fact that the woman whose only 2009 release was The Ugly Truth (and who starred in 2006’s Zyzzyx Rd, which is the lowest-grossing movie of all time) is considered the Female Star of the Year.
Fun St. Patrick’s Day Parade Fact: One of the 14 “honored aides to the grand marshal” was Malachy McAllister. The grand marshal was Ray Kelly. McAllister was convicted in Ireland of plotting to kill police officers in Belfast in the 1980s. The US has been trying (unsuccessfully) to deport him back to Ireland (he currently lives in New Jersey). Erin go boom.
Lindsay Lohan might get banned from India. Remember when she Twatted “Over 40 children saved so far… within one day’s work… this is what life’s about… doing this is a life worth living,” regarding the child workers she helped rescue from sweatshops in New Delhi? Well, Indian activists pointed out a) that she never applied for a work visa when she entered their country to make a BBC documentary on child labor and b) that she “was nowhere near the country until after the rescue was made.” So, according to Britain’s Telegraph, India is considering adding her name to their “immigration blacklist.” Would that we could do the same.
Hey, Shia LeBeouf (or, as Page Six calls him, Shia Labeouf)! Say something inappropriate about Michael Douglas on the set of Wall Street 2 and how he’s dealing with his son’s recent drug conviction! “Michael Douglas was an open wound on the set. That dude is in pain. He was emotional putty on the set. A struggling man. We filmed a struggling man.” Thanks!
Eugene Havens of Herkimer, New York was banned from driving in January (while his drunk driving case was pending). He made a court appearance on Thursday, left the court, walked to his car (he drove there), “pulled out a beer, urinated and drove off.” He was immediately rearrested, brought back to court and was sentenced to two to six years in prison. The system works (but their parking lot smells)!
Lady Gaga is countersuing Rob Fusari, claiming that the contract she signed with him should be “void and unenforceable.” Does she have a c-c-c-case? Or is this just her p-p-p-oker face?
This guy makes Eugene Havens look like Lex Luthor. A 17-year-old in Washington (the state, not the president) broke into a furniture store and took cash from the register. But before he left, he used the store computer to check his MySpace page. He has since been arrested and laughed at.
The estate of Anna Nicole Smith gets NOTHING. A judge has ruled that everything from J. Howard Marshall’s estate should have gone to his son, E. Pierce Marshall (no relation to A. Whitney Brown or F. Murray Abraham). Both of these men (and Ms. Smith) are long dead (this case is 15 years old). Smith’s attorneys plan to appeal (on behalf of the paparazzo that got her pregnant and their daughter. Bobby Trendy could not be reached for comment.
Norman White, 34, is a former child-abuse prosecutor (in Brooklyn’s Crimes Against Children Unit). He and his wife, Alegra, 27, allegedly beat their 8-year-old daughter with a belt recently — for up to seven hours. Don’t shoot until you see the Whites.
Dennis Kozlowski is suing Tyco International for $75,900,000 that he claims they owe him in retirement benefits. If there was truly justice in this country, Dennis would recieve additional jail time for wasting the court’s time and resources with this bullshit.
ACT NATURALLY (the original b-side to “Yesterday”)
Before I begin, I want to give a shout-out to Stephen Hendrix of Marshall, Arkansas. He wrote in to Walter Scott’s Personality Parade to ask, “Why hasn’t The Wizard of Oz ever been remade?” Mr. Scott (not his real name) responds with The Wiz (1978) and Tin Man (2007). I respond with this.
Amazingly, Obama and Pelosi are given (most of) the front page (GIVE ‘EM HEAL). The follow-up(s) on pages 6 (not to be confused with Page Six which is today on page 16) and 7 all seem to be level-headed (Churley Hurt wrote exactly none of the pieces). There’s even a piece on the Tea Party protestors (or “Teabaggers” as they comically refer to themselves) who called Rep. John Lewis (D – Georgia) and Rep. Andre Carson (D – Indiana) “nigger” and Rep. Barney Frank (D – Massachusetts) “faggot.” They also spat on Rep. Emmanuel Cleaver (D – Missouri), who also happens to be Black (coincidence?).
Here’s a nice video my friend John Bolger found that does a fairly decent job of showing how incredibly stupid these people are.
I’m not going to post the clip of the man with Parkinson’s being ridiculed, as I find it too depressing. At least you can laugh at these people (between dry heaves).
Disney is casting females for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which will be directed by Rob Marshall (Memoirs of a Geisha, Chicago) for some reason (REAL BOOBY BOOTY). According to their casting notice, the aspiring actresses “Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”
You have been warned, Heidi Montag.
The person behind the racist voice-over at the Wal-Mart in Washinton Township has been revealed as a 16-year-old from Atlantic City. The Post neglects to mention what color the teenager is.
Minor detail.
A man approached a US marshal in a security booth at Centre Street and Pearl Street, introduced himself (“Hello, my name is Mike”), and then punched the marshal in the face. Another marshal tackled Mike and arrested him. This is a slightly different story than the one I imagined based on the article’s headline (Nut punches US marshal).
Naomi Campbell says she’s getting anger management tips from Nelson Mandela.
Hasn’t that man suffered enough?
Two documentary filmmakers have managed to get inside the “rubber rooms” where teachers get full pay to sit around and wait for whatever charges are brought against them get addressed (in some cases, that doesn’t happen for years). The movie they made from their footage (The Rubber Room) will screen next month. I don’t think I have the stomach to sit through it.
What’s up Michael Goodwin today?
He claims that Hillary Clinton is waging a “jihad on Israel” (Icy chill of Hill), and praises Steve Levy (Levy adds guts & clout to weak GOP) — now that Levy is no longer a Democrat, and squirts venom at Bloomberg, Paterson and the UFT. But the main piece (Why we fear Bam big gov’t) is a masterwork of obfuscation.
“Thanks to President Obama’s statist agenda, America’s new civil war is, at heart, the mother of all culture wars. It’s the showdown between Americans who want bigger government and those who want smaller government. And it won’t be over anytime soon.”
“Either you believe America is different and should play a unique role in expanding individual liberty, or you believe we should trim our freedoms to fit international norms, as embodied by centralized authorities and global organizations like the United Nations.”
Either you think Michael Goodwin is full of shit or you think unicorns fly helicopters made of marzipan.
Courtney Love on Billy Corgan: “He wanted to be Kurt [Cobain], then he wanted to be [Marilyn] Manson, and now he wants to be Perez Hilton. What’s wrong with just being Billy?”
Incidentally, her band (Hole) is reuniting to play some shows. I believe people will go see them for the same reason people watch NASCAR events.
Cindy Adams spends her entire colun today discussing truth (Truth is, everybody lies).
“My late husband, comedian Joey Adams, had a backstage patter when visiting anyone whose show was a bomb. He’d say, ‘Max, you did it again.’ Or ‘Hey, had a little something in it for everybody.’”
Joey Adams : backstage patter :: Cindy Adams : dying
Joann Bruso left a McDonald’s Happy Meal on a shelf (a non-refrigerated, out-in-the-open shelf) for a year.
It didn’t decompose. It didn’t start to smell bad.
And yet, why we’re all fat and dying remains a puzzle to many (too many).
This guy makes that 17-year-old look like Lex Luthor.
Michael Berg, 23, passed his court-ordered drug test and decided to celebrate by getting very, very drunk. But this was a special occasion, so he also drank a shot glass filled with morphine.
He was found dead of a drug overdose a few hours later.
Michael Berg: Population 0.
In 2000, 40% of the country considered global warming “a major concern.” Now only 28% do.
Thus disproving global warming.
Michael Tanner writes The Dems bring the pain which begins, “As the health care leviathan slouches towards a final vote in the House of Representatives — or at least a final ‘deeming’” and that’s when I decided that if Tanner couldn’t be bothered to learn that the scaredy-Dems had abandoned using the perfectly acceptable “deem and pass” (days ago) then I can’t be bothered to read his article.
Peggy Noonan continues what Michael Tanner began with Obama grins & Baiers it, wherein she defends Bret Baier for interrupting every single answer President Obama gave him in their Fox News interview (“When did it become rude to actually question the President?”). And people wonder why Obama doesn’t usually give them interviews. She also points out how “deem and pass” sounds like “demon pass” and warns Obama to “Never take the country down the road to Demon Pass.”
Boy, I sure hope they don’t use deem and pass on this health-care reform.
Was a valid concern three days ago.
And what’s terrifying to me is the number of people who will go to the polls in the next election to “vote out” all of the folks who used deem and pass to see this bill through.
Jason Sudeikis lists his 10 favorite spots in MY NEW YORK, which is where I learned that he’s in The Bounty Hunter. I thoroughly enjoyed him in The Rocker, but not even Jason could make me sit through a Jennifer Aniston/Gerard Butler romantic comedy. Hell, if my parents were in The Bounty Hunter, I might not see it.
There’s a Corey Haim memorial at the Knitting Factory tonight. They’re showing Dream a Little Dream, License to Drive and The Lost Boys.
I am currently watching Firstborn, his first film, which co-stars Teri Garr, Peter Weller, Sarah Jessica Parker, Robert Downey, Jr. and J.D. Roth (who would go on to host Fox’s Fun House, which is where I remember first seeing Punky Brewster with enormous breasts).
The director is Michael Apted, who also directed the Hugh Grant/Gene Hackman/Sarah Jessica Parker movie Extreme Measures, which was released in Japan as Body Bunk.
Extreme Measures was kind of a rip-off of Coma, in which Lance LeGault made an appearance. Lance would go on to play Colonel Decker, the thorn in the sides of the A-Team. The A-Team was big in the 80’s, as was Robocop, who was played by Peter Weller.
I’m sorry, what was the question again?
ASK ASHLEY!
I just started seeing this guy. We’ve been on three dates, all of which went really well. His only communication between dates, though, is text. And sometimes, these texts go back and forth for days before I’m finally the one to suggest we make a plan. What gives? — Jen, 31, West Village
ASHLEY: “The best advice I can give you is to preoccupy yourself by continuing to play the field and go out with your girlfriends. By doing your own thing and remaining aloof, he’ll probably start to wonder more about you, which will eventually urge him to make more plans.”
ME: “He finds you boring and doesn’t know how to tell you to your face. Stop asking him out, pop in a Grey’s Anatomy DVD and feed your cats.”
How can I make my girlfriend comfortable talking during sex? — Greg, 31, Astoria
ASHLEY: “Try a few of these: ‘Does that feel good?’ ‘How does this feel?’ ‘Do you want it faster?’ Then take it from there. She’ll respond more openly if you initiate it slowly and respectfully.”
ME: “Start doing things that are painful and humiliating to her. She’ll start talking immediately. And if you don’t mind grunts in place of words, a good old-fashioned donkey punch works every time.”
My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. I’m anal about keeping a straight apartment. How can I approach this so I don’t sound like a demanding mom? — Cara, 35, Park Slope
ASHLEY: “I know exactly how you feel. I am totally OCD. I like things where I like them and how I like them. [JEDITOR'S NOTE: Like strangers in my vagina for money!] I’d start by making a realistic list of things you could use some help with. Then, go down your list and delegate.”
ME: “Sounds like you’re not being anal enough, if you know what I mean.”
The Nets lost again yesterday (7-62). If they lose their next game (on Monday), their percentage will be 10.0 (it’s 10.1% now).
We’re almost there, guys! Be the worst ever! You can do it!
Here’s my iron-clad prediction as to who will be the ankees’ fifth starter this season: Whoever they choose to be their fifth starter will not end the season as their fifth starter.
And that’s Sunday (and Saturday). Enjoy the gorgeous weather today!
I’ll see yez all tomorrow.
TIGER IN THE ROUGH Revealed: his vile ’sext’ messages to porn-star lover continues to provide more details about Tiger Woods’ affairs than anyone could possibly want. “That’s one filthy Tiger!” begins the accompanying paragraph, which refers to the texts (sent to Joslyn James) as “shockingly lewd.” Judge for yourself.
TIGER: Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust
TIGER: I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
TIGER: Hold you down and choke you (which, according to the page 4 follow-up, is actually Hold you down while i choke you)
And that’s just waht they put on the front page! Other texts include:
TIGER: Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty, little whore
TIGER: Have you ever had a golden shower done to you?
TIGER: Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy (which I find odd, as Mercy wasn’t yet on the air when he sent this)
James has posted 122 of these messages on her website.
If you’d like to read more of them, then there’s something wrong with you.
And speaking of making sex unattractive, Lady Gaga is being sued by Rob Fusari, who claims that he helped create… whatever Lady Gaga is (Furiou$ ex’s Gaga saga). He even takes credit for coming up with her name!
The romantic aspect of their relationship ended in 2007, but not before he claims he was offered (and accepted) a 20% stake in Lady Gaga’s company. Fusari is suing for $30,000,000.
[insert "Bad Romance" joke... here]
Michael Armstrong, 42, is a court officer. On St. Patrick’s Day at 10:00 p.m. (St. Patrick’s Night?), he pulled out his Glock 9mm and “accidentally” fired off a shot outside the FBI’s headquarters at 26 Federal Plaza. He had been drinking (!). He now faces charges of reckless endangerment.
Erin Go Sleepitoff.
Emmanuel Reyes, 25, is an assistant manager at the Tribute WTC Visitor Center at Ground Zero (“Nine Years Of Being A Hole In The Ground… And Counting!”™). His bosses thought he was stealing donations, so they set up surveillance cameras. And you know what? He was. $40,500.
Somewhere, the terrorists are laughing. Hard.
Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford has agreed to pay $74,000 in fines “to resolve dozens of charges that he violated ethics laws with his campaign spending and travel.”
He remains in office; South Carolina remains a punchline.
Jesse James issued an apology yesterday (bonus points: he sent it to People magazine). “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.” Awww, how noble! He admitted his affair and took responsibility for it! Oh, wait… there’s more. “The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.” Well… it’s not a complete denial, so… I guess there’s at least some truth to the accusations, but what of the accuser?
Michelle McGee’s ex-husband (Shane Modica) claims that she just had a swastika tattooed to her stomach, dates White supremacists, and dances at strip clubs under their son’s name (Avery). “I believe that Michelle is mentally ill and should be in the care of a therapist, which the court ordered her to see, but she refuses to do so. She is supposed to take medication for bipolar disorder but she doesn’t,” Modica wrote in court papers.
Poor Sandra Bullock.
JFK Airport lost their wind-measuring equipment in last weekend’s storm. It is “expected” to be fixed today.
Feeling safer yet?
A computer glitch has sent police to Walter (83) and Rose (82) Martin’s home in Marine Park over 50 times since 2002 (NYPD has a ’senior’ moment). This past Tuesday morning, they showed up again. They broke a window in the back of the house. Both of the Martins have heart ailments.
They wrote letters to Mayor Bloomberg and Ray Kelly in 2007 and were assured that the problem had been resolved.
It obviously hadn’t.
Churley Hurt explains that deem and pass “is legislative jargon for pulling a fast one.”
But only this time. And only because it’s Democrats doing it.
Lindsay Lohan is launching the Lohan Green Tooth Brush today. It doesn’t require water (or alcohol). Using it will (allegedly) save two gallons of water a day for every person who uses one. That’s (allegedly) 600,000,000 gallons in the U.S. alone.
Assuming everyone starts using one. Which I am fairly confident will not happen.
Kirstie Alley insists that her new Organic Liaison weight-loss system is not affiliated with the Church of Scientology.
Yes, a healthy chunk of the staff are Scientologists (including Kirstie). Yes, it is located in Clearwater, Florida. Yes, their corporate headquarters is located in the same building as the World of Scientology. But Alley is threatening a lawsuit against anyone who suggests there’s an affiliation.
Kirstie Alley remains hard to look at.
Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler’s new romantic comedy opens today. I predict it will make $65,000,000. And a lot of viewers disappointed.
Retired Detective Joseph Tesoriere “beckoned an undercover Parks Service cop into a remote area at Plum Beach — a tiny sliver of Gateway National Park known for horseshoe crabs and gay hookups — and fondled himself.”
His attorney is arguing that it wasn’t public lewdness because the bushes were hiding his client’s masturbation.
Incredibly, the attorney is not Joseph Tacopina.
Scientists from Britain and Germany claim to have made a working “invisibilty cloak.”
I’ll believe it when I see it.
A couple in Westchester are suing Toyota over a crash in 2008 that killed their 5-year-old son. They say that their Lexus SUV (RX350) sped out of control. I wonder how many other lawsuits will pop up in the next few months… and how many Toyota will conclude weren’t actually their fault.
The last living wild wolverine in Michigan was found dead by hikers.
Can they still be the “Wolverine State” if there aren’t any?
I guess if New Jersey can be the Garden State, then yes.
Congratulations, Norrie May-Welby, 48, on becoming the world’s first legally gender-neutral person!
Dating’s going to be rough, though.
According to Bill O’Reilly, “If ObamaCare becomes law, about 30 percent of the primary-care doctors in America will consider leaving the medical profession.”
And then come the death panels.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives The Bounty Hunter half a star (“As tacky as Rielle Hunter.”), and two and a half stars to both The Runaways (“Girls Just Wanna Have Sex.”) and Greenberg (“Stiller waters run depressing”).
Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to both City Island (“Hilarious actors’ showcase.”) and Hubble 3-D (“3-D footage out of this world”), two and a half stars to Diary of a Wimpy Kid (“I Love You Man for preteens.”), and one star to Repo Men (“It’s schlock and Law”).
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to both Vincere (it contains “nudity, sex”) and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (it contains “nudity, violence, kinky sex”). If either film was Asian, it might have nabbed a fourth star.
Michael Riedel claims that Bebe Neuwirth is angry that her part in The Addams Family has gotten smaller. “‘Everybody’s afraid of her,’ says a production source.”
I hope this doesn’t endanger future unnecessary Broadway adaptations!
Damnit, I wish I knew about this earlier.
Nothing Lasts Forever is screening tomorrow at the 92Y Tribeca. Director Tom Schiller will introduce the movie and a collection of shorts he made for Saturday Night Live.
If you’ve never eard of Nothing Lasts Forever (1984), that’s because it was never released in America. Here’s the trailer:
My experience tells me that if I haven’t been able to see it until now, it’s probably best left unseen. But is any movie with Bill Murray, Imogene Coca and Mort Sahl even capable of being a waste of time?
The Yankees beat the Devil Rays yesterday, making them 7-8 (they’ve won as many game as the Nets!).
Chan Ho Park threw eight pitches for a scoreless inning.
Soon comes Opening Day. But not soon enough.
Fun fact: Shannen Doherty and Pamela Anderson are both competing on Dancing With the Stars, and both were married to Rick Solomon, the guy who made the Paris Hilton night-vision sex tape.
Michael Starr says that Paula Abdul is no longer connected to the Star Search remake.
But who could they possibly get with as much charisma and talent as Paula? Besides anyone?
Teresa begins her week-long vacation in just over two hours. It will be nice to actually spend time with my wife again.
And as for the rest of you, enjoy this insanely gorgeous weather!
Poor Sandra Bullock (BLIND SIDED). Shortly after winning her Academy Award for Best Actress, she has moved out of the home she shares with her husband Jesse James. Why? Because it looks like he had an 11-month affair with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee while Sandy was filming The Blind Side. And just who is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee?
Hence the clever follow-up headline, TAT’S SO SAD FOR SCORNED SANDRA.
Had Sandra Bullock not written a glowing letter to a judge, Jesse James might not have custod of the children Sandy has been raising with him. Which makes the fact that he fooled around with a woman with “Pray for us Sinners” tattooed on her forehead even more pathetic — if it’s true.
The idea that Mr. James might not be content with Miss Congeniality isn’t hard to imagine, but the idea that some penniless woman covered in tattoos might be making this up for the publicity and money it would generate is equally plausible.
So. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens in the next few days (I have a feeling the Post will cover it extensively).
Fun facts: McGee grew up Amish and her Twitter handle is Evilcunt.
“Governor” Paterson’s press secretary (Marissa Shorenstein) has resigned (LAST ONE OUT, TURN OFF THE LIGHT). She had also been acting as Paterson’s communications director, because Peter Kauffmann resigned from that position on March 3rd.
I’m amazed that even a legally blind person could be so blind to what’s going on around him.
Democratic Suffolk County Executive Steve Levy has decided to enter the gubernatorial race. As a Republican.
Good luck with that, Steve.
The Post points out that Best Actress Oscar winners are unlucky in love (Oscar love curse). Sandra Bullock may be headed for divorce. Last year’s winner (Kate Winslet) is, too. 2006’s winner (Reese Witherspoon) filed for divorce less than a year after her victory. Theron, Berry, Roberts, Swank, Paltrow… all broke up with their significant others shortly after winning.
Luckily they all have their award to keep them company…
Italian police have caught a suspected hit man.
By following his Facebook account.
Jed Resnik likes this.
Reports are coming in that Bernie Madoff continues to be assaulted in prison.
Good.
Now Toyota is accusing the Prius driver in Harrison of lying about her acceleration problem.
Is Toyota lying or are these people?
Either way, I hate the MTA.
If you were in the Wal-Mart in Washington Township, New Jersey on Sunday evening (and really, where else would you be on a Sunday night in Washington Township, New Jersey?), you might have heard a man make this announcement over the store’s public-address system:
“Attention Wal-Mart customers: All Black people leave the store now!”
Management has already incorporated it into their new ad campaign, “Save money. Live better. All Black people leave the store now.”
Mandrea!
New Jersey mom has huge ambition tells the tale of Donna Simpson, a 600-pound lady in New Jersey who is trying to become the World’s Fattest Woman™ by reaching 1,000 pounds over the next two years.
“Why have I devoted precious inches to this freak with feet? Donna is a living, wheezing cautionary tale for women who think fat is sexy, and a poor role model for, well, anyone.”
First Kyle Smith, now Mandrea Peyser. Why does the Post hate fat people so much? I mean, yes, Donna Simpson is insane, but is she really indicative of a trend?
THE TRAMPY TRUTH attacks Rielle Hunter. “John Edwards’ baby mama is royally steamed that whorish photos for which she posed in GQ — without the benefits of pants or a working brain — are too trampy.”
The photos aren’t whorish. Trampy, yes, but not whorish. You know what is whorish, though? Ashley Dupre.
“Kid Rock — for some reason — says that ‘If Eminem and I were gay lovers, I doubt I’d be the one on top.’ I don’t know what that means. I just want to print it.”
I’ll explain it to you, Cindy Adams. Kid Rock means that he would insert his penis into Eminem’s tushy, but — even if he were a homosexual — he wouldn’t let Eminem do that to him. Got it? Good.
Remember Brian Schroeder, 26? He’s the Harvard Law School graduate that set fire to a 9/11 memorial last November. He just pleaded not guilty. On what grounds? He was “profoundly intoxicated.”
Good luck with that, Brian.
Jim Cramer’s Web site (TheStreet.com) is being investigated by the SEC on charges of fraud.
I find that mad funny.
Is Blockbuster filing for bankruptcy? It looks that way.
Good. I’ll never forgive them for cutting the steamy Drew Barrymore/Tom Skerritt sex scenes out of the copy of Poison Ivy I rented in high school. They forced me to concentrate on the story!
The Ho family is selling their stake in the Borgata casino. And what’s the Post’s headline for this story? NO HO’S IN THE BORGATA.
It works on so many levels!
The Nets lost again last night. Now they’re 7-61 (10.3%).
Keep up the horrible work, guys!
Joba has lowered his ERA to 16.20. That’s still kind of awful, but whatevs. He gave up two hits, one earned run, one walk and three strikeouts in three innings.
Damaso Marte took a Ryan Howard line drive in the back yesterday.
Hurry up, Opening Day.
The weekend begins in less than 28 hours.
Strength, peeps.
Swinger Tiger back in action has two double entendres! TWO! But all it actually means is that Woods is competing at the Masters in April. Yawn. Thankfully there’s a second front-page story: HACK OF A GUY!
Apparently, NYU anesthesiologist Dr. Mitchell Lee was charged $7 for a ride that usually costs $5 (he always takes a cab home from work, always on the same route). When he asked the driver why the fare was so high, the driver challenged him. But when Lee insisted that the fare was inflated, the driver told him to “pay what you normally pay.”
The quick-thinking Lee instead paid for the entire fare — with his credit card. Then he lodged an online complaint with the TLC. That complaint set in motion an investigation that revealed $8,300,000 in bullshit charges levied by cabbies on their unsuspecting passengers.
“It’s nothing. I certainly don’t feel like a hero,” said Lee.
What about now, after the Post put you on their cover with a punny headline, next to the Tiger Woods double-double entendre?
Parents with twins are 17% more likely to “end up divorced, broke and out of work,” according to the Twins and Multiple Births Association. Especially if the twins look like those girls in The Shining.
American Airlines has joined Delta and JetBlue in asking that the fine for making passengers sit on the tarmac for more than three hours be waived until the main runway at JFK is oprational again.
That’s three of America’s largest airlines complaining that punishing them from making you sit on the tarmac for more than three hours is unfair.
Plus, you might get cancer from the new x-ray machines. And you get to pay more for your tickets now!
(furiously waves miniature American flag)
Here’s a nice video for you:
That’s Karla Giraldo, the girlfriend/abuse victim of Hiram Monserrate. Such enthusiasm! Such passion! I’ll definitely vote for Hiram!
What’s that? The election was yesterday? Oh. Well, surely Hiram won, right?
No. José Peralta got 65% of the vote and Hiram got 27%. But don’t worry! Hiram (who called his attempt to reclaim the seat he was ousted from “a battle of Goliath proportions”) intimated that he’ll run for Peralta’s old seat in the Assembly.
I wish I had faith in the idea that he’ll never be elected to any office ever again, but he got 27% of the vote (the Republican challenger, Judge Robert Beltrani got 7%).
This is why I avoid Queens.
An ex-dishwasher at Patsy’s on East 60th Street claims that the employees there are paid very little ($5.50/hour) and forced to work 60-hour weeks (6 10-hour days). He has filed a class action lawsuit against the pizzeria’s corporate parent, Arista Associates.
Patsy’s insists that they are being set up, that they’ve been duped, that they’re nothing more than… oh, what’s that word…
According to a Wall Street Journal/NBC poll, half of the respondents (how many were there and who/where were they? I have no idea) “would vote to replace every single member of Congress if they were given a choice.”
Unfortunately, Obama has replaced elections with socialism.
PELOSI IN SLEIGHT OF HAND She’s conjuring no-vote tactic on health care tells of the “convoluted procedure” (also called “a bizarre parliamentary tactic” that was “denounced as trickery and a crass power play by GOP lawmakers”) that Rep. Louise Slaughter (D – Niagara Falls) “would craft” to “push health-care reform through Congress” called the “self-execution rule” — which (in the same damn sentence!) the Post admits “has been used by both parties in Congress.” But how is that possible if Slaughter still hasn’t crafted it yet?
It’s a deeming resolution (also known as “deem and pass”). Democrats did it 49 times in 2007 and 2008. Republicans did it 36 times in 2005 and 2006 (even though Louise Slaughter is only now concocting it in her laboratory).
Here’s a quote from political scientist Norm Ornstein: “Any veteran observer of Congress is used to the rampant hypocrisy over the use of parliamentary procedures that shifts totally from one side to the other as a majority moves to minority status, and vice versa. But I can’t recall a level of feigned indignation nearly as great as what we are seeing now from congressional Republicans and their acolytes at the Wall Street Journal, and on blogs, talk radio, and cable news. It reached a ridiculous level of misinformation and disinformation over the use of reconciliation, and now threatens to top that level over the projected use of a self-executing rule by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.”
Hmmm… who owns the Wall Street Journal again? Oh, right! The same guy who owns the Post! And Fox News! Rupert Murdoch! Hooray!
Naturally, Churley Hurt joins the fray of misinformation (Slaughter featured in Nancy’s House of horror) by calling the Democrats “evil scientists” and “death panelists,” health-care reform “their Frankenstein bill” and a “rotting corpse,” and deeming resolution “some creative legislative sorcery.”
But my favorite comparison? “[Louise Slaughter's proposal] is like the spurned boyfriend who breaks into his ex-girlfriend’s house and abducts her at knifepoint in a senseless scheme to convince her he really is a good guy and she should take him back.”
The editorial on page 30 calls it “tearing a hole in the Constitution.”
The Post likes its coffee black and its indignation feigned.
I turn the page and there’s Michael Goodwin. Sigh.
The only piece worth mentioning today is PUNCHING-BAG PALIN.
“Rielle Hunter, the John Edwards ‘you’re so hot’ hussy, finds the pictures she posed for ‘repulsive.’ That’s what you call common ground. Imagine if her Johnny had been elected president. America dodged a bullet with this creep. Yet in most mainstream media, Sarah Palin, who only ran for vice president after she was nominated, still gets hammered far more than he does. Why is that? Inquiring minds want to know.”
1) Why is Rielle Hunter a hussy while Ashley Dupre (who did it for the money — with numerous strangers) is your co-worker?
2) Edwards was never nominated for the presidency.
3) Why is Palin hammered more? Because Edwards realized that his career was over and he went away. Palin continues to open her shrill mouth and give speeches to American’s Scariest Idiots™ where she rails against the mainstream media (despite being employed by the most mainstream media of all — which you also work for, Mike!) and explains why writing “lift American spirits” on her hand proves that she knows more about policy than that socialist Obama. Sarah Palin is stupid — she proves it every day. That people continue to prop her up as the GOP’s best and brightest would be hilarious if it wasn’t so terrifying.
4) That you closed with the National Enquirer’s old tagline isn’t lost on me. It indicates sarcasm to me. It tells me that you know better but you want more letters from morons telling you how you “hit the nail on the head” and are “right on the money” and “got it exactly right” about Sarah Palin. Which makes you worse than stupid.
Now Honda is recalling over 412,000 cars with (possibly) faulty brakes.
And yet, I still hate the MTA more.
Dear Cindy Adams,
The man you are making fun of is John Edwards, not John Edward.
Sincerely,
Jed Resnik
P.S. — Please stop fighting it and just die.
Restaurants in NYC will soon be required to post their letter grades (given to them by health inspectors) in their windows.
I think I will soon be going on a Chinese food hiatus.
Fun fact: The worst grade will be a C.
Rep. Gregory Meeks insisted on NY1 that “we can show you the files of the individuals that we helped” if you “come to my office.”
Someone from the Post did and was told that “client confidentiality” did not permit Meeks’ office from providing that information.
I wonder what they would have said if a real reporter showed up.
Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, has suffered a heart attack. His girlfriend, Kate Major (who used to date [shudder] Jon Gosselin), told RadarOnline that the attack was “minor” (Major called it minor!).
What a shame.
(If Lohan dies, who could possibly follow Gosselin and Lohan as Major’s boyfriend? Who could meet the high standard they’ve set for douchebaggery? Jeremy Piven?)
The Nets lost again (this time by 24 points).
They are now 7-60 (10.4%). They play Philadelphia tonight.
Keep stinkin’, my soon-to-be neighbors!
It’s official.
Jeter, Johnson, Teixeira, Rodriguez, Cano, Posada, Granderson, Swisher, Gardner.
(swoon)
I actually have to venture into Manhattan tonight for an improv rehearsal from 8-10. I hope I a) make it home alive and b) avoid being vomited on.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
EXCLUSIVE FIRST PHOTO
ELIN & TIGER
TOGETHER!
Photo and story Page 7
Today’s front page is a full-page photograph of Tiger Woods and his wife (with the above superimposed). The photo that appears on page 7 is a slightly smaller version of the exact same photo. Actually, that’s a lie. In the photo on page 7, Elin’s head is slightly raised and Tiger’s right arm is down. The Post insists that the people in these photos are “looking every bit like a couple trying to piece together their shattered marriage,” whereas I just see two people going for a walk on their property. I guess I lack the intuitiveness (intuitivity?) of the Post.
WINSLET GIVING HUBBY FINAL CUT tells us that actress Kate Winslet and director Sam Mendes are separating (while simultaneously proving that the Post doesn’t know what giving a director final cut means).
Rep. Gregory Meeks did, in fact, show up for his interview at NY1 (Meeks passes the bucks on scandal).
“I was not in charge of administering the funds. It was a community organization.”
“When community people come and say they want to do good things and they want me to lend my name to it, that’s exactly what I would do…”
“It was never set up for me to oversee. I’m a member of Congress!”
“I, like you, want to know where the money is.”
The Democrats are like the Catholic church. Until the powers that be stand up and demand that their own members obey the law(s) — and, if they don’t, they’ll face serious disciplinary action — then the party as a whole will appear crooked. A good place to start cleaning house (besides Espada, Rangel, Massa and many others) is with Meeks (and Smith).
Toyota believes that the man in San Diego who claims he spent 20 minutes uncontrollably speeding in his Prius, is lying. They claim that their diagnostic examination turned up no evidence of brake failure and that, had he stepped on the gas and brakes simultaneously, the engine would have turned off. The man (James Sikes, 61) is described by the Post as a “heavily-in-debt owner of a swingers’ club.”
Is this a case of a company desperately trying to save what little face they have left? Or is this a case of someone trying to cash in on a company’s misfortune by lying?
Stay tuned!
At 7:10 a.m. on Saturday (10:10 a.m. EST), Virgin America Flight 404 left LAX. It was supposed to arrive at JFK at 3:30 p.m. But it was windy, so it was diverted to Stewart Airport in Newburgh where it landed at 5:15 p.m.
It stayed on the tarmac — with all of its passengers — until midnight. Then buses arrived to take them to JFK. Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, they arrived at JFK at 3:00 a.m.
I think this is all just Virgin promoting their new ad campaign (“Sweaty, Slightly Painful, Cramped Space. Virgin.”).
Joseph Spiekerman, 43, was an NYPD housing-bureau sergeant. Yesterday he pleaded guilty to driving drunk into a 68-year-old pedestrian last year (Barry Gintel suffered two broken legs, a broken neck and injuries to his spleen and head). Spiekerman lost his job and the pension he had accrued during his 15 years on the force. He also has to pay Gintel $15,000 (for medical bills), do 500 hours of community service and spend “two months’ worth of weekends in jail.”
Does that mean 60 days or 8 days of jailtime in two-day chunks? Or 8 days of jailtime in a row? Either way, doesn’t that seem like a pornographically light sentence?
Michael Jackson’s estate has signed a contract (valued at between $200,000,000 and $250,000,000) with Sony.
In exchange for up to a quarter of a billion dollars, Sony will release 10 albums over the next seven years that “would feature previously unreleased songs and repackaged versions of existing ones.”
Now LaToya can finally get that sandwich she’s always had her eye on!
Page Six (today on page 12) reports that Ashley Dupre has an eight-page spread (no pun intended) in the May issue of Playboy. Hey, remember when she told the Post that she wasn’t going to pose for Playboy? That makes her a lying whore! Congratulations, Ash!
Cindy Adams claims that Carrie Fisher co-wrote the screenplays for Lethal Weapon 3, Sister Act and So I Married An Axe Murderer. Interesting.
She also claims that Penelope Cruz’s sister is a professional flameco dancer, Kim Basinger collects inflatable ducks, and the Aborigine word for boomerang is Kylie. Uninteresting.
Box.
He Pingping, the world’s shortest man (29 inches) has passed on. He was 21.
There will be a small service for him sometime this week.
Rielle Hunter called Barbara Walters to complain about the “repulsive” photos of her that GQ was publishing. The ones that Hunter posed for (RIELLE CRYIN’ ABOUT SEXY PIX).
“When I asked, ‘Well if that was the case, then why did you pose the way you did?’ [Hunter] said that she trusted the photographer, Mark Seliger, who she described as ‘brilliant,’” said Baba Wawa. “All I did was go with the flow,” Hunter insisted.
Look at the bright side, Rielle! At least John Edwards will never ever cheat on you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The estimated amount of damage done to the five boroughs during that storm the other day?
“Well over $25,000,000,” according to Mayor Bloomberg.
There are still 55,000 people in Westchester without power (including my folks who just emptied their refrigerator) and Con Ed says they hope to get 95% of their power back on line by Thursday.
(crosses fingers but doesn’t hold breath)
A company in California is selling lipstick “that shows when a woman is in the mood [for sex].”
“Its color changes from clear to deep crimson when she’s feeling frisky.”
Each $18 tube also comes with a color chart so that men can figure out how horny its wearer is.
We continue to become Japan.
Is Alfredo Aceves (1-0, 0.90 ERA in three games) going to be the fifth starter for the Yankees this season?
Better him than the 0-1, 3.86 ERA in two games Phil Hughes or the 0-2, 27.00 ERA in two games Joba Chamberlain.
Larry David told the audience at the Paley Center that “there’s a pretty good chance” that Curb Your Enthusiasm would return for an eighth season. He did not follow it with “prit-ty, prit-ty, prit-ty good” but he did say “we’re working on a couple of things.”
(crosses fingers but doesn’t hold breath)
Guess! Stasi’s! Stars!
How many stars (out of four) did Linda Stasi give Justified? Here’s how the review starts: “In order to fall in love with FX’s new macho-man show, Justified, it helps to be a man. It also helps to be a man who grew up on anti-hero westerns and Elmore Leonard’s books. If you fall into any of the above categories — I clearly do not — you can’t help but fall for Justified.” Other snippets include: “Like every TV series and Hallmark movie ever made, Olyphant’s character finds himself back in the town he grew up in!” and “a true male fantasy show complete with broads, bad guys, blow-ups, bullets and buckets of blood.”
Her rating?
Three stars.
The TV section does truly outstanding work in the field of reporting.
Today, they announce that Paula Abdul will host a new version of Star Search. Then they provide recent backstory.
“Abdul had reportedly been wooed earlier this year by ABC to appear on American Idol.”
You know who owns the New York Post? Fox. You know who owns (and airs) American Idol? Fox.
To be fair, though, if I ran ABC (or NBC or CBS), I would’ve tried to get Paula back on AI just so she would stop setting up meetings at my network.
And that’s Tuesday. Try to have a nice day.
Got very little sleep last night (thank you, asshole whose car alarm has been going off every five minutes!), but we had an absolutely divine day with Christina and Christopher. And I’m having leftover pecan pie for breakfast. DON’T JUDGE ME!!!
The Post has decided there is no such thing as “Too Much Information” and has graced their cover with Rielle Hunter and the headline KISS & TELL (with the sub-head bullet points *Rielle spills secrets *He hoped I’d get an abortion *We slept together 1st night which awkwardly morph into first person sans quotes).
In this EXCLUSIVE (which seems to have been put together entirely from an interview [and {shudder} photo spread] that Hunter gave to GQ magazine), we learn that the first thing Hunter ever said to John Edwards was “You’re so hot.” (His alleged response? “Why, thank you!”) We also learn (according to the homewrecker) that John was “scared to death of his cancer-stricken wife.”
My favorite part of these stories is when the woman who helped destroy the man’s marriage says something that indicates she will one day have a Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s In The Cradle”-type realization. “We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn’t go away.” That’s right, Rielle. He’ll be faithful to you always.
Churley Hurt goes after Gregory Meeks today (Give him huddled masses — to ‘exploit’). Meeks has stopped insisting that the $30,000 he raised for Katrina victims was to be sent to 30 families in Dallas. Now he claims the money went to Katrina victims that had been transplanted to New York City. That, it appears, is also bullshit.
I surely hope he (Meeks, not Hurt) appears on NY1 tonight.
Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland made another $62,000,000 this weekend. Green Zone placed second with $14,500,000. And, so help me God, if that car’s alarm doesn’t stop, I am going to throw a trash can through its windshield.
The Jets’ Rex Ryan got gastric bypass surgery.
He remains enormous.
Page Six (today on page 10) has quite the story today: “Kate Gosselin is being a ‘total diva’ on the set of Dancing With the Stars — snubbing other contestants and behaving frostily to crew members.” Keep enabling her, America!
Also in Page Six is a nice little blurb about Greta Gerwig’s recent interview with V.A. Musetto:
“When it comes to on-screen sex and nudity, Americans are prudes. So says indie queen Greta Gerwig, who stars with Ben Stiller in Noah Baumbach’s new comedy, Greenberg. Gerwig sheds her top a few times, and in one awkward scene is orally pleasured by Stiller’s character. ‘I did all these interviews in Europe, and not a single person asked me about it,’ she tells Post film editor V.A. Musetto. ‘In New York, there were a lot of questions. It [nudity, sex] seems to be a fascination here. But I don’t begrudge people that.’”
I knew it! Of course he asked her about nudity! He’s a chubby old perv!
Peter Graves, 84, has died. I hadn’t realized that that was him in Stalag 17.
You done good, Pete.
Mike Tyson has a new “reality” show on Animal Planet called Take on Tyson. It will follow Iron Mike’s journey through “the world of competitive pigeon racing.”
Better pigeon racing than person raping, I guess.
Michael Barone explains How Tea Parties Echo ’60s Protests, but (surprisingly) his answer isn’t “poorly.”
Elisabeth Vincentelli has a new photo for her columns! And it’s a vast improvement over the old one:
She actually looks like a female in the new one! Congratulations, Liz!
The Yankees are 5-7 (the Mets are 7-6).
Looks like Cano will bat fifth.
Jeter, Johnson, Teixeira, Rodriguez, Cano?
Yes, please.
The car alarm has finally stopped. And despite the coffee I just drank, I might try to sleep for a little while.
Hold my calls.
Saturday was chock full of news (and power outages). But if you can read this, I’ll assume you weren’t affected (or the outages are over).
The Taxi & Limousine Commission estimate: 1,872,078 trips where passengers were illegally charged a higher rate; 35,558 drivers have illegally overcharged at least one passenger; passengers were overcharged a total of $8,330,155, or an average of $4.45 per trip; and 3,000 drivers overcharged more than 100 times. And yet… I still hate the MTA more.
Hiram Monserrate (running on the “Yes, We Can Party” ticket) is currently behind José Peralta in the polls 60-15. That’s 15% more than I currently have! Well done, scummy!
I use two time-telling devices — my computer and my phone. Both adjust for Daylight Savings Time without my doing anything. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had to physically change a clock (waves miniature American flag).
TWO homely blonde women were part of a plot to kill Lars Vilks (the Swedish cartoonist drew Mohammed as a dog! A DOG!)? And one of them posted “STOP caLLing MUSLIMG TERRORISTS!” on Facebook? And an American suspected of being involved with al Qaeda has worked at nuclear plants in New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania? Good thing we’re in Afghanistan!
Fun fact: Because they aren’t married, if Diana Taylor decides to run for the Senate (as a Republican, against Kirsten Gillibrand), Mike Bloomberg can’t fund her campaign. I wonder if they’ll get married for exactly that reason…
Can anyone explain the appeal of Kristen Stewart to me?
“My daddy’s body has disappeared,” claims LaRhonda Pettit, 48. She believes that her father’s corpse was stolen “to avoid an autopsy that would prove [her father] had been slain by someone trying to find the fortune he allegedly hid on his 62-acre estate.” And just who is (was) her father? The Godfather of Soul, James Brown. His body was dug up and where it went remains (sorry) unknown.
Disturbing: Le Whif Whiffable Coffee Powder, which is available in Manhattan at Dylan’s Candy Bar for $3.00 (or 3 for $8.00). It’s a tube through which you inhale espresso powder. Each tube is the rough equivalent of a cup of espresso. Far more disturbing: “‘That’s what I do with all of my food anyway,’ said Esther Green, a tourist from Toronto who sampled Le Whif yesterday.”
A 50-year-old walked in on his girlfriend yesterday at midnight. She was cheating on him with two (2) other men. The 50-year-old killed all three of them. He told police he “carved up the bodies of the men and dumped them in New Jersey.” I’m going to go out on a limb (sorry) and guess that the 50-year-old is Italian.
Hey, Bloomberg! What do you think of Felix Ortiz’s attempt to ban salt from all food in NYC? “I think it’s ridiculous.” Hey Felix! Respond! “If salt is a functional component of the recipe, by all means, it should be included.” And that was the last time anyone ever paid attention to Felix Ortiz.
George F. Will gives us ‘Professor’ Obama (which is kind of like Artie Lange calling someone fat) and Ralph Peters explains why Truman, Eisenhower and Reagan were great and why Clinton, Bush II and Obama all stink (Why Our ‘Post-Modern Presidents’ Fail). I made it all the way through neither.
Citigroup dropped $0.21 to $3.97/share.
The absolute funniest bit at the Oscars? Tim Robbins’ remark about what Morgan Freeman said to him about friendship on the last day of shooting The Shawshank Redemption: “Being a friend is getting the other a cup of coffee. Can you do that for me, Ted? It is Ted, isn’t it?”
The Nets lost (by 2 points!), making them 7-58 (10.8%).
Timothy Olyphant (Deadwood) stars in a new TV show (Justified) where he plays a cowboy lawman? And Walt Goggins (The Shield) co-stars? And it’s based on the work of Elmore Leonard? And it premieres this Tuesday? Sold!
TODAY
Over the last few days, JihadJane has become the nickname of choice for both of the suburban White ladies who decided to attempt the murder of a Swedish cartoonist. Today, a new nickname is added to the lexicon: Jihad Junior. That headline is a reference to the child of Jamie Paulin-Ramirez (one of the JihadJanes). He’s 6 years old and his mother taught him to say “Christians will burn in hellfire” and enrolled him in a school in Ireland where he was allegedly building pipe bombs and learning how to fire guns.
I hope we invade Ireland. They have delicious cheese.
That lady judge on American Idol who isn’t Paula or Ellen thinks that her dad has a good chance at beating Kirsten Gillibrand.
Randy disagrees, calling her father, “a little pitchy, dawg.”
The wedding that existed only in my head is off. Diana Taylor said she isn’t running against Gillibrand.
However, it seems that the rest of New York state is.
Michael Goodwin has a lot to say about a lot of things, but this is all you need to hear from today’s page:
Weiner’s for losers
“The health-care battle dishes up tons of misinformation, but I found a sure way to make sense of it. Anything Rep. Anthony Weiner supports I assume is bad for New York. Weiner allegedly represents Brooklyn and Queens, but actually represents the Democratic Party’s high-tax, big-government agenda. Take careful note of what he’s for — then run the other way.”
The early mention of “tons of misinformation” is what we in the writing business call “foreshadowing.”
The Vatican officially denounced “aggressive attempts to drag Pope Benedict XVI into the spreading scandals of pedophile priests in his German homeland.”
That’s from the first paragraph. Here’s (in its entirety) the fourth: “Benedict is also under fire for a 2001 church directive he wrote while a Vatican cardinal, instructing bishops to keep abuse cases quiet.”
Hallowed be thy name.
Over the five boroughs, 125,000 lost power yesterday. And at least 140,000 in Long Island.
Remind me again why we pay Con Ed more than the electricity is actually worth.
There’s an exhibit at MoMA where two naked people stand in a narrow doorway and guests have the option of squeezing in between them. Morgan Wolfe, 18, opted not to. Why? “It bothers me a bit… I just have no reason to.”
“It didn’t feel normal,” said Georgina Rovirosa, 26. “I’ve never walked between two naked guys like that before — not in public places.”
An “older viewer” seemed even more off-put. “They’re too close! I don’t want to rub up against them!”
Yes, but is it art?
Weird BUT true reports that the owner of a car wash in California (Aaron Zeff) had the IRS go to his workplace (unannounced) recently, and demand $202.35. How did they reach that figure? That’s the amount that Zeff neglected to pay in 2006 ($0.04) plus penalties ($202.31).
Let’s hope Zeff doesn’t own a plane.
Three of the Bay City Rollers are suing the rest of the Bay City Rollers for royalties.
I can’t believe I have a legitimate reason (in the context of “news”) to mention the Bay City Rollers.
(waves miniature American flag)
Fun Fact: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration asked Toyota to install a “brake override” in their cars, which would fix the current “wild accelaration” problem.
In 2007. Oof.
Mbarek Lafrem, 30, of Philadelphia, tried to cut in on a dance at the Hell’s Kitchen bar Social. The woman declined his advances. Shortly thereafter, she went into the ladies’ bathroom. Mbarek followed. What happened next has yet to be determined, but the woman ended up with a broken eye socket, a broken nose, skull fractures, a busted jaw and 50 stitches on her forehead. Here’s Mbarek’s version of the events:
“I was at the bar with the girl. I went into the bathroom, and she started yelling at me. She was coming toward me, so I grabbed her by the arm. She was trying to push me, so I punched her in the face twice and pushed her back into the stall. She fell into the stall and hit her head.”
Poor guy. Three hours before he defended himself from the crazy chick who freaked out when he cornered her in the ladies’ bathroom (points at ear and makes circles), Mbarek stole some energy drinks from a bodega.
What do you say, kids? Three years? Five? Deportation back to Philly?
Q: How can you not root for the Mets?
A: In the last contract their seasonal cleaning crew (of over 200) signed, they were given health benefits “if they worked 75 days.” The minimum in this year’s contract has been changed to 90.
There are 81 home games.
Cindy Adams’ column today begins, “So this person says to me, ‘The problem with you is you’re an uber-American.’”
I’m pretty sure that person said “How do you do? You’re a shoe-in for buryin’.”
Look who wrote a book!
Killing Willis: From Diff’rent Strokes to the Mean Streets to the Life I Always Wanted reveals that Todd Bridges had an abusive father and a publicist who repeatedly tried to molest him, that his first sexual experiences were with Dana Plato (rest in peace, Dana!), and that he “even wonders if Coleman had him blackballed for a time in Hollywood.” Yeah, Todd. That’s what it was.
ASK ASHLEY!
What exactly is ’sexual napalm’? And doesn’t that seem like a bad thing? — Mike, 38, New Jersey
ASHLEY: “OK, first let me say how much of a douchebag I think John Mayer is. (Am I allowed to say douchebag in The Post? Because that is the perfect word to describe him — so I’m using it! Oh, and any man who thinks John Mayer is the man, well, you’re a douchebag, too. So there.)”
and then two paragraphs later
“Now, granted, I do not know him. And I don’t like to judge. (Because really, who am I to judge?)”
ME: “Tabasco sauce and semen. And it’s a very bad thing, unless you’re a gay fan of oysters.”
My boyfriend’s personal grooming skills are lacking, to say the least. And it’s a point of pride for him. How do I convince him to take care of the hair down there? — Maria, 39, New Jersey
ASHLEY: “Get him a subscription to GQ so he can see how grooming is um . . . healthy and the right thing to do.”
ME: “Give him crabs.”
V.A. Musetto spends half a page interviewing Greta Gerwig about working on Greenberg. He refrains from mentioning her frequent on-screen nudity, but you know that’s all he was thinking of (especially when he got home!).
The Nets lost again last night (7-59).
Can they lose 14 of their next 16 games, thereby guaranteeing a single-digit number in the win column, and at least tying the all-time worst NBA record ever (the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers finished 9-73)?
Joel Sherman suggests moving either the Yankees or the Red Sox to the AL Central (from the AL East).
It’d be nice to beat them in the ALCS as opposed to the ALDS….
It looks like the top of the order on Opening Day will be Jeter, Johnson, Teixeira, Rodriguez.
Barring injuries.
(knocks wood)
The weather remains awful, but we’re having friends over for brunch (duck bacon!) so we’re holed up for the day. My folks are still without power in Westchester, so feel free to bring them soup and candles.
Until tomorrow, I remain.
Try to stay dry (both from the rain and this video).
Firstly, my friend Mickey sent me a link to photos of the “NYC Lego repairs” done in the name of art. You can peruse them here. They (and Mickey) are swell.
Teresa is working from home today and allowed me to sleep in (she’s ginchy). I have coached four rehearsals since Tuesday night and I have a fifth tonight (I’m subbing). I’m tired, but I love it. I’ve been working with some really talented folks and it keeps me off the streets. Win-win.
And speaking of really talented folks I’ve been working with…
…someone decided to retrieve their bag from the subway tracks (at 77th and Lexington) yesterday at 3:45 p.m. That person got hit by the train. That person died. That person was Rose Mankos, 48.
Her bag looks frighteningly similar to Justin Grace’s, though hers contained “exercise clothes, toiletries and her cellphone,” whereas Justin’s contained some uncooked pasta and a ratty-ass sweatshirt.
Peoples. If you drop something on the tracks, don’t try to retrieve it. And if you do, make sure no trains are coming.
I’ve always thought of the subway tracks as the American Ganges. Why would you want anything that fell in a puddle of stagnant water, rat excrement and leaking batteries (and, at the southbound Columbia University stop, uncooked pasta)?
Remember Sony? Their PlayStations used to be the bee’s knees. Then came the Wii. Two years ago.
Now comes the PlayStation Move. It’s like the Wii (some say exactly like the Wii) with one upgrade — the Eye. The Eye is a camera that allows players “to project their images and movements into the action.”
Somewhere, Robert Zemeckis has a raging hard-on.
Irina Krupnik, 31, is suing NBC Universal for $10,000,000. Why? Because a photo of her (taken when she was a 21-year-old model) was used by Jon Favreau in the movie Couples Retreat as a masturbatory aid.
Yes, Irina signed a release form for the photo of her in a bikini (with her breasts mashed together and the hint of a pubic cameltoe) back when it was taken, but she never dreamed it would be used in a “quasi-pornographic context.”
The $10,000,000 she wants is for “great humiliation, embarrassment, emotional distress, shame, mortification and injury to her reputation and career.” Methinks Lindsay Lohan has found a new best friend.
Irina’s attorney added that what Favreau did in the movie (pretend to masturbate to her photo) “would be a crime if Mr. Favreau attempted it on a New York City subway.”
What a perfectly cromulent point.
The MTA is absolutely raising fares by 7% in 2011. No question. It’s happening.
B’also? They might be raising fares this year, too.
Less service and less reliability for more money. With a business model like that, the MTA can’t lose!
Hey, Aqueduct Entertainment Group! You aren’t going to be providing video slot terminals at Aqueduct! Thanks for playing!
In a related story, Andrew Cuomo has stepped down from his investigation into “Governor” Paterson’s shenanigans.
“I wish to avoid any possible appearance of any political interest or conflict whatsoever,” says the Man Who Will Be Governor.
Richard Belzer on his accuser: “The sad part of it was that police officers were called and had to report to the scene, and God knows we don’t need all that manpower wasted on a trivial accusation that was clearly done either for attention or to embarrass a famous person.”
Respond, Milan Agnew, 21! “I’m not star-struck by anyone. I approached him like he was a regular customer. I asked, How can I help you?’ He told me what he needed, and then before I was able to speak again, he lunges in and grabs my neck. It was no gentle manner. There is no gentle manner to grab someone’s neck. I just think something more could have been done. Had it been someone else, there would have been some repurcussions.”
iFindthishilarious.
Jules Kirby is angry that she’s being portrayed on the CW’s High Society as, in her words, “a stupid bitch.”
One of her on-air comments: “My friends do not tend to be homosexuals, fat or Jewish-y bald… I use the N-word sometimes, and I really think it should be okay to say…”
One of her Facebook posts (defending her on-air comments): “The show is scripted, and we are given lines and characters. My grandmother is married to a Jew…”
Jules Kirby, ladies and gentlemen.
Up to 10,000 different food products might be recalled in a salmonella scare.
Rather than read a list of affected foodstuffs, just throw everything in your kitchen away and start from scratch.
(the culprit is hydrolyzed vegetable protein)
Merlin Olsen, 69, has passed away.
[insert joke about sending flowers from FTD]
Michelle Malkin and Rich Lowry? Why hast thou forsaken me, God?
The askew-eyed Malkin believes the Eric Massa scandal will completely destroy Nancy Pelosi’s career (A Festering Swamp) and the other fella believes that a Republican Congress is in Obama’s best interests (Bam’s Best Hope: A GOP Congress).
But wait! Jonah Goldberg’s Health-Reform Hell declares that there while there is light, there is no end of the tunnel (“There is no ‘over’ to this debate.”). I guess that’s the most offensively stupid editorial in today’s pa- WAIT!
Bill O’Reilly’s Oscar Lefties’ Wi$e Silence is coming up the inside track! He says he “was ready” for “left-wing bomb throwers like George Clooney, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand and co-host Alec Baldwin” to make “politically charged comments.” But they didn’t! And Bill knows why! “The answer to that question is money, pure and simple.”
Yes, Bill believes that the reason George Clooney didn’t attack the POTUS this year (like he did in 2003) is because Hollywood’s revenue is drying up (despite the fact that Hollywood’s revenue is not drying up in the slightest).
We have our winner!
Citigroup is up another $0.22, making it $4.18/share.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives Green Zone three stars (“Bourne again.”), one star to Our Family Wedding (“a cringeworthy, unfunny example of a culture-clash romantic comedy”), two stars to Stolen (“contrived kidnap thriller”), and two and a half stars to The Exploding Girl (“not much really happens”).
Kyle Smith gives Remember Me one star (“A stroll down cliché lane.”), two stars to Tales From The Script (“Bulletin from Hollywood: Screenwriters are anxious and whiny.”), one and a half stars to both Delta (“the camera floats tediously over the lush scenery”) and Severe Clear (“falls well short of its target”), and two stars to She’s Out of My League (“Not quite ready for the majors.”).
Bonus points: Smith’s review of Severe Clear mocks how the protagonist’s “view that invading Iraq was ‘payback for Sept. 11′… reveals an alarmingly poor understanding of the facts” — the day after his review of Green Zone revealed his own alarmingly poor understanding of the facts.
V.A. Musetto gives Mother three stars (it’s Korean and there’s nudity).
Pete Hammond is suspiciously silent.
The Mets are 6-5, the Yankees are 4-5.
The Nets are terrible.
Michael Starr manages another dismissive jab at Mad Men today (he also announces the release of Kukla, Fran and Ollie on DVD and congratulations to Pam Golum of The Lippin Group for being among the honorees at the ICG Publicists Awards).
Linda Stasi gives Dinoshark four garbage cans. To me, that says she didn’t like it. And yet, the title of the review is Jurassic ‘Shark’: SyFy’s ‘Dino’ is so outrageously bad, it’s good (so I guess she did). Then she calls the movie “fantastically bad” (so she didn’t like it?), but later says “I loved every minute of it” (so she did like it?).
She gave three garbage cans to those reality shows she hated (but that she watched — just in case!), but I guess four garbage cans is a good thing now.
Linda Stasi is becoming Cindy Adams.
That’s it, kids. Enjoy the soon-to-begin weekend and remember to tip your waitstaff.
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