Archive for April, 2010
In the new Time Out New York, there’s a 10-stop “30 Rock Walk” — starting at 30 Rockefeller Plaza and ending at the UCB for Let’s Have A Ball (Scott Adsit [series regular] and Kay Cannon [writer] usually perform in LHAB, although Kay is currently in California becoming even more famous). There’s even a photo of the cast from two weeks ago (that’s me between Zach Woods and Anthony King). See it online here.
I also feel bad that I’m expecting a bunch of friends to come to this week’s show, but Teresa and I have to high-tail it over to the Magnet right after LHAB to see The Sagher Sisters (Tami Sagher and Ed Herbstman) on its final night.
But enough about me.
THURSDAY
Sandra Bullock is holding her new (adopted) 3 1/2-month-old baby (of color!) on the cover of People, and the cover of the Post is a photo of that cover (notice the People logo behind the baby) beneath the headline OH, BABY! In addition to adopting Louis Bardo Bullock (the process began in January), Sandra is filing for divorce from Jesse James. Congratulations, Sandra! On two counts!
David Morales Colon, 22, was shot to death in Puerto Rico last week. He had previously asked his family “to avoid a traditional funeral when he died.”
So they did.
That’s his corpse. On his motorcycle.
New Pedro Espada scandal: He forced 100 people trying to get full-time jobs as janitors (at his Soundview clinic) to spend two weeks working in a “training program” — at $1.70/hour — with the promise of full-time work once they’d finished.
But after two weeks, they were all given a certificate saying they’d completed the program and informed that there were no full-time positions available.
And that’s how you get janitors to work for less than 25% of the minimum wage.
Page 4 covers the Congressional testimony given by Goldman Sachs executives (Treated like crap). But most of the page is a TALE OF THE TAPE between Senator Carl Levin and Jersey Shore’s Snooki (unfortunately, I’m serious). A “Republican aide” is quoted as saying that, because he repeated expletives made by those GS execs in internal emails, “Levin sounded more like Snooki after a night out than a senator.”
Feigned indignation is the best indignation there is.
Port Authority Director Chris Ward recently said that, “LaGuardia should not be the gateway for domestic flights into New York City. It should fundamentally be torn down and rebuilt again.” But… can New York afford to do that?
“The capital necessary to rebuild LaGuardia is not there. But the planning capacity is and we’re working with the consulting industry to reimagine what LaGuardia could, in fact, look like when it gets completely rebuilt.”
That seems like a constructive use of time and money. Carry on, Chris!
The motorman on a G train had a heart attack and died, but thanks to his letting go of the “dead man’s switch,” the train stopped and no one was hurt.
There aren’t many MTA stories that end well. This is one of them.
(gung gung)
Rosemarie Ferranti, 28, claims she was fired from her City Island Avenue waitressing job after complaining that her supervisor was sexually harassing her. She claims that manager Lanni Liapis asked her to “turn my shrimp into a lobster.”
But Rosemarie? What did you expect when you went to work at The Lobster Box?
In Laura Bush’s new book, Spoken From The Heart, she says that she and her husband were poisoned at the 2007 G8 summit.
If only.
Paris Hilton told Esquire that there are no actual photographs of her naked hoohah — the ones that circulated online a few years back were all Photoshopped. “Ewww. I always wear underwear,” she said, forgetting the sex tape(s) she made.
A Swedish princess that recently broke up with her fiance is now staying in NYC. The Post claims that she was “ranked the 12th ‘hottest young royal’ by Forbes magazine.”
I’m beginning to understand my father’s love of Forbes.
Mandrea hates Justin Bieber, who she calls “the leading cause of injury to the pre-teen demographic,” and Tiki Barber (TIKI TACKY BUT WE LOOK AWAY).
Try to follow this Moebius strip of logic: Mandrea claims that we’ve all reached what she calls Tiki Fatigue. “Tiki Fatigue is the approximate moment when society… becomes oversaturated with celebrity adultery, and tunes out. Tiki Barber may be the lowest in the slime bucket… Still, he wins. We yawn.”
Her point, in her piece about Tiki Barber, is that no one cares about Tiki Barber anymore. That’s Tiki Barber, the guy who the Post has been steadily covering for the last month. The Post being Mandrea’s employer.
A 62-year-old man trying to get off of an MTA bus at Vanderbilt and DeKalb in Fort Greene on Tuesday morning. There was a 21-year-old woman in his way. He tried to maneuver around her. Angry words were exchanged. The woman beat the man’s face with her umbrella. His face required 12 stiches. The woman, Thais Fischer, has been charged with assault and weapon possession.
Thank God they never got around to installing those surveillance cameras in buses.
Roman Angel Salinas broke into a veterinary clinic, injected himself with animal tranquilizers, started watching porn on a computer and passed out. When he woke up, he was in police custody.
And in which state did this happen? I’ll give you a hint:
Vincent Forte of Eastchester writes in to say, “Obama thinks it’s OK for the IRS to ask you if you have health insurance — with a ‘no’ response leading to hefty fines and perhaps a prison sentence… What next? Jail time if you don’t buy a GM auto?”
Perhaps Vincent is an idiot.
Jonah Goldberg’s An Ugly, But Needed, Crackdown tells of his support for the recent Arizona immigration bill.
“I agree that there’s something ugly about the police asking citizens for their ‘papers.’ (There’s nothing particularly ugly about asking illegal immigrants for their papers, though.) There’s also something ugly about American citizens being searched at airports, or about IRS agents prying into nearly all of your personal-financial transactions or, thanks to the passage of ObamaCare, serving as health-insurance enforcers.”
Yes, indeed. Demanding that beige people prove their citizenship is the exact same thing as demanding that everyone proves they aren’t smuggling a bomb onto an airplane.
Jonah Goldberg, ladies and gentlemen.
Bono’s Elevation Partners invested $460,000,000 in Palm. Hewlett-Packard is buying Palm. Bono’s Elevation Partners stand to make $485,000,000.
That’s a 5% return on their investment ($25,000,000).
If Bono was looking for a hefty profit, then he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.
Betty White, 88, will host SNL on May 8th.
It’s about time.
The designated hitter will be used in the All-Star Game from now on.
But don’t pack your bags just yet, Big Papi.
(he’s currently batting .154)
Supernanny announced that this will be her last season.
Steve Carell announced that this will “probably be my last year” on The Office.
The difference between these two announcements is that one of them is an announcement of retirement and one is a request for a raise. Can you guess which is which?
Fun fact: American Idol contestant Crystal Bowersox has “Type 1 diabetic” tattooed on her wrist “because I am really horrible about wearing medic ID bracelets and necklaces.”
Wow.
FRIDAY
The cover story DIGGING FOR GOLD announces the criminal fraud probe launched by the feds into Goldman Sachs. The follow-up on page 8 is joined by news of a protest attended by thousands yesterday on Wall Street. Mandrea’s sidebar (A misguided ‘bank shot’) mocks those protesters, reminding us how incredibly grotesque she can be (without even trying very hard!).
The actress who played Thelma Lou on The Andy Griffith Show, Betty Lou Ryan, 83, had been mugged three times in Los Angeles when she made the decision to move to Mount Airy (Andy Griffith;s birthplace and the inspiration for Mayberry). Shirley Walter Guynn, 45, robbed Betty Lou there on Sunday.
Police caught Shirley, but… where can Betty Lou go to be safe now?
Whither justice?
Patrick Pogan was convicted of filing a false criminal complaint, but acquitted of assault (you know, the thing that’s on film?). Pogan faces “zero to four years in jail.” How much you wanna bet he does zero?
Withered justice.
Oh no! Horace Mann has fallen to the #2 slot on the list of America’s top-rated private schools! Trinity is now #1.
Sorry, Mom.
That oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? It’s now five (5) times worse than previously though. They’re estimating 4,000,000 gallons may wind up in the water. And it’s starting to reach the Louisiana shore.
Hey, Sarah Palin? How’s that “drill, baby, drill” thing workin’ out for ya?
Churley Hurt’s Tea is for triumph in Crist cross refers to the Marco Rubio-supporting Tea Party as “a sprawling movement of ragtag patriots” and insists that their “joyful embrace of a Cuban-American will help put to rest the idiotic and offensive notion that most Tea Partiers are some kind of racists.”
Well, if they like a Cuban-American then all those allegatons of racism must be false! Thanks, Churley!
Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband, Ojani Noa, tried to publish a book about their marriage. J.Lo took him to court and he wound up owing her $545,000. He’s bankrupt. So he’s shopping around a reality TV show (according to Page Six — today on page 13) called I Owe J.Lo. He’d travel the country doing menial jobs to pay off his debt.
I’ll pay him $5 to not do this show — if he can find just another 189,999 people like me, everybody wins!
Cindy Adams (still not apologizing for her odious remarks of a few days ago) reports that, in the Arthur remake (starring Russell Brand in the Dudley Moore role), the Sir John Gielgud role will be filled by… Dame Helen Mirren.
(a single tear rolls down Jed’s cheek)
The Room is playing at the 1,200-seat Ziegfeld Theatre tonight. And it’s sold out.
Hi, doggy!
Women (who make up 15% of the United States Navy) are now allowed to serve on submarines.
As long as they don’t talk about their girlfriends.
Congratulations, Birthers!
It turns out that the guy (Joseph Sean McVey) who tried to “see” President Obama and his wife at a North Carolina airport (while armed and driving a fake police car) is one of you!
Fun fact: He refers to the POTUS as “Hussein”! Hilarious!
Thousands of Graco and Simplicity cribs were recalled yesterday due to possible “hardware failures.”
Hey, I have an idea! Let’s test baby strollers and cribs before they go on the market!
Phil, 26, recently met his biological grandmother, Pearl Carter, 72.
They immediately fell in love. They are now hiring a surrogate to have a child for them.
Teresa, cross New Zealand off the list.
Steve Jobs on Flash: “Flash is no longer necessary to watch video or consume any kind of Web content.”
“Flash is the number one reason Macs crash.”
“Flash was created during the PC era — for PCs and mice.”
I wonder if Adobe could remove Flash from all Apple devices. That’d be amazing.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives one star to A Nightmare on Elm Street (“DROP DEAD, FRED”), two stars to both Please Give (“Begs for sympathy.”) and The Good Heart (“a conclusion of breathtaking corniness”).
Lou Lumenick gives three stars to Harry Brown (“Senior moment of truth”), one star to Furry Vengeance (“Eco-friendly potty humor.”), two stars to Mercy (“risible dialogue”), and one star to In My Sleep (“never rises much above yawn-worthy”).
V.A. Musetto gives both The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (it contains “gore, violence, nudity”) and Anton Chekhov’s The Duel (it contains “sex, nudity”) three stars.
Pete Hammond calls The Good Heart “A wonderful opportunity for memorable charcater studies by two fine actors at the top of their game.”
The Yankees (14-7) won their last two games against Baltimore (4-18), but Tampa Bay has won their last five (we remain 2 1/2 games out of 1st place). The 3-0 Andy Pettitte will pitch against the Chicago White Sox tonight at 7:05. The Mets, on the other hand, are 1/2 game ahead of the Phillies with a 13-9 record (and the #1 slot in the NL East).
If memory serves, I predicted The Bounty Hunter would gross $65,000,000 in the U.S.
As of 4/28/10, it has grossed $63,095,519.
I am brilliant.
By the way, Robinson Cano hit two home runs last night. I thought you should know that.
Kyle Smith’s Where ‘Pacific’ went WRONG rips the HBO series to pieces (“War is hell, and so is Hanks’ series”). I still haven’t seen The Pacific, but if Kyle hates it this much, I’d probably enjoy it.
The end. See you (briefly) tomorrow.
I spent eight hours on the set of a TV pilot. Then they told me they didn’t need me after all. That’s the nature of the business, I know. But I wish I hadn’t wasted my entire day. At least I got to spend time with my friend, Will (who also wasted an entire day).
I’ll see you all tomorrow.
P.S. – I am writing this on my Droid as I didn’t have time to go home before my evening rehearsal.
SACHS OF $#!T
Foul-mouth Senate curses out Goldman
Today’s front page claims that US senators “blasted [Goldman Sachs execs] with curse words or crass words 37 times for cashing in on a ’shitty deal.’” There are two follow-ups. The first is on pages 8 and 9 (SACHS STEPS INTO $#!T STORM) and the first five paragraphs deal almost exclusively with how many times the word “shitty” was said (senators were quoting an internal Goldman Sachs e-mail). That’s what the Post thinks is the most relevant part of yesterday’s hearings. Churley Hurt’s Congress’ posturing hypocrites full of it follows suit.
“Casual observers may have been startled to hear a United States senator — complete with silver comb-over and half-glasses perched on the end of his nose — repeatedly say ’shitty deal.’ [Carl] Levin was just so excited, he was like a pig in, well, you know.”
Hurt concludes his sidebar with, “Here is the difference between Goldman and Congress: Goldman may be trying to sell ice to Eskimos, but nobody is making the Eskimos buy it. With Congress, either you give them your money or you go to jail.”
What a perfect metaphor! Goldman was selling ice to Eskimos and Congress will put you in jail if you don’t give them your money! I sincerely hope Churley considers running for POTUS in 2012, if for no other reason than my desire to wear a HURT PALIN t-shirt.
(The second follow-up is on pages 36 and 37 [SENATE PANEL IS 'SHORT' ON INFO] is even less informative — it focuses on the senators’ “lack of understanding of Goldman’s role in many of the transactions now drawing fire.” And while Levin gets savaged all over the place, John McCain [who was also there and, apparently, also lacks understanding] gets a nice cushy pass.)
“Governor” Paterson has proposed legislation that would “furlough 100,000 non-essential state workers one day a week” until a state budget is passed.
You hear that? That’s the sound of Albany laughing.
Southwest Airlines bumped more passengers last year than any other airline. In fact, they bumped 80% more passengers than the airline in second place.
If you fly Southwest, get to the gate very very early.
New York has always prided itself on providing free permits to TV and film productions shooting in the five boroughs… until now. If you want a permit to shoot a movie, commercial, music video or TV show now, your permit will now cost $300.
I bet this makes Toronto very happy.
Gary Null invented The Ultimate Meal, a dietary supplement, which he used. As a result, he almost died.
Turns out there was 1,000 times more Vitamin D in it than the label indicated. He is suing the company that mixes the Vitamin D for the product (Triarco) for $10,000,000.
Triarco insists that they just misunderstood which definition of “ultimate” Null intended to use.
The Yankees’ assistant general manager, Jean Afterman, was at the White House on Monday. As Obama was about to take hold of the World Series trophy, Jean said, “Do you want to hold it? You might not get another chance.” Obama’s immediate response? “And you wonder why other teams don’t root for you.”
I love Obama.
Afterman later said, “My biggest concern is that it would be misinterpreted as a political statement.” Well, considering that there’s a World Series every year and the winning team goes to the White House every year and Obama is in office until 2012, I’d guess Afterman meant that Obama might be assassinated soon.
Michael Goodwin isn’t worth the effort today.
Lindsay Lohan is accusing her father of spreading the (false?) rumor (on Twitter!) that she is HIV-positive. Her father claims that a hacker is responsible. Lindsay doesn’t believe him.
This would make a great opera.
Cindy Adams spends today’s column chatting with Michael Caine. Not a peep about the firestorm she ignited with yesterday’s advice to women (and children).
Thomas Hagan, 69, has been granted parole (after being denied 16 times since 1980). Hagan is the only person to admit to his role in Malcom X’s assassination.
But what I don’t understand is that he’s been on work release since 1989, spending five nights a week with his family. So… why deny him parole?
Joe DePascale of Brooklyn writes in to ask, “Why would the World Series champion Yankees go to the White House to see President Obama? His arrogance might rub off on them and put them in last place this season.”
Well, Bush’s mental retardation didn’t rub off on them in 2001, so I think they’ll be OK.
Citigroup shares fell another $0.27 to $4.34.
Bob Uecker is scheduled for heart surgery this Friday. Here’s hoping everything goes smoothly.
(I have my fingers crossed for a Mr. Belvedere reunion)
The Yankees lost last night (to the Orioles). Sabathia will pitch tonight.
Boo.
VH1 is hoping that Bret Michaels will be able to participate in the finale of their new series Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp.
I don’t understand what a show about music is doing on VH1.
Modern Family returns tonight, as does South Park.
And now, I’m off to rehearsal. Toodles!
They may have lost the last game they played, but the Yankees were still feted at the White House yesterday. Today’s cover features Obama, Girardi and many of the Yankees — Jeter, Rodriguez, Posada, Cano and Chamberlain can all be seen — and the headline BAM YANKEES (which isn’t nearly as bad as the headline for the follow-up, PREZ CHEERS THE O-BOMBERS). For Jeter, Pettitte, Posada and Rivera, this was their fifth trip to the White House as World Series Champions. Hopefully, it won’t be their last.
Page 3 is devoted entirely to an EXCLUSIVE that no one could have possibly seen coming, TACTLESS TIKI SLAPPED WITH DIVORCE SUIT. I can’t believe that Tiki Barber (subject of the Post’s April 7th article, TIKI BARBER DUMPS PREGNANT WIFE FOR HOT BLONDE) has been served with divorce papers. How did this not make the front page?
The GOP has successfully blocked debate on the Democrats’ proposed bill to reform Wall Street.
Even though 65% of the country supports “stricter financial regulations.” And 59% support “increased federal oversight.”
But who cares what the majority of Americans want, right, wars in Iraq ad Afghanistan?
Manuel Noriega has been extradited to France, where he has been convicted of money laundering.
His attorney argued that, as a prisoner of war (which, according to the Geneva Convention, he is), he should be extradited to Panama (where he also faces criminal charges). But, says the attorney, Washington has struck a secret deal with the French to keep Noriega out of Panama.
I predict that Noriega will be killed by 2011.
DMX (currently in a Phoenix jail for failing a drug test he took while on probation for a 2008 dog-abuse case) is suing Rich Kid Entertainment. He claims they’ve taken a 100% cut of his foreign royalties (and not the 10% they agreed to).
DMX being in prison for violating probation related to dog abuse is like Al Capone being in prison for tax evasion.
A woman had her cellphone stolen in Park Slope. She chased after the thief until she ran out of breath, but when she screamed, “Someone stop him!” two people (a dog walker and an off-duty firefighter) did just that. The thief was apprehended, the phone returned.
The woman, it should be noted, is eight months pregnant.
I guess her phone is worth more to her than the well-being of her unborn child.
Are you an idiot? Do you have too much money?
If you answered yes to both of those questions, swing by restorestephenbaldwin.com and make a donation.
The Web site (which is not actually affiliated with the actor) argues that, ever since he became “an outspoken Christian,” Baldwin’s income “went down by 70 percent” and asks his fans for financial assistance.
Sounds like God’s will to me (the drop in income, not the Web site).
Page Six (today on page 10) claims that there’s a 50-50 chance that Larry King and his current wife will not get a divorce.
The 77-year-old is (allegedly) sleeping with his sister-in-law, but his wife might not divorce him? What does she know that we don’t?
Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, have (finally) been arrested. But they made bail and were released.
You have been warned, innkeepers.
Cindy Adams’ advice for women (and children) who are sexually harassed? “Deal with it. That’s what we did in our younger, prettier days.”
“I was maybe 10. In a highly respected elderly doctor’s Upper East Side examination room. My mom had left for one second. His hands began examining what wasn’t there for examining. I pushed him away and never mentioned it to a soul. Not anybody. Until now. And I still remember his name.”
“I was maybe 16. The office of a theatrical agent who had a Tiffany reputation. He took me into a private room to test my voice. And what he looked to test was not my voice. I pushed him off and never mentioned it to anyone. Until now. And I still remember his name.”
“Calling a lawyer to say, ‘I’m suing because this guy laid his hands on me’? Oh, please, if that’s his only part he laid on you, get some nail extensions and inform Larry Lothario next time you’ll rake him like the leaves. Deal with it.”
I hope Cindy takes comfort in the thought that that doctor and agent probably molested other women thanks to her silence.
The MTA has issued a warning that they might be facing an additional $50,000,000 revenue shortfall.
Oh no! You’d better cut services and raise fares again then.
War criminals.
Supreme Court Justice Michael Gross (I loved him on Family Ties!) ruled that a civil jury was wrong to release Clifton Mack, 48, as he still poses a risk to children (he has admitted to molesting over a dozen boys). But he also ruled that he “was powerless to toss out” the verdict of a six-person civil jury in the Bronx that decided Mack shouldn’t face “additional civil confinement” (he just finished serving a 16 1/2-year sentence for forcing one of his karate students to perform sex acts on him.
Now that’s what I call a criminal justice system.
George W. Bush will be publishing a memoir called Decision Points, due on November 9th.
Crayons will not be included.
Aaron Johnson, 19, is the titular star of both Kick-Ass and the upcoming Nowhere Boy. The director of the latter film, Sam Taylor-Wood, 43, has two daughters (13 and 3) from a previous marriage. Johnson got Taylor-Wood pregnant. They are now engaged.
I doubt this will end badly.
There was a 6.5-magnitude earthquake in Taiwan yesterday.
Oh my God. That imam was right! Cover up your breasts, ladies!
Rich Lowry’s EXTREMISM — NOT explains that Arizona’s recent immigration law’s passage is what the federal government should be doing on a national level.
Lowry, I should point out, is White.
Citigroup shares fell $0.25 to $4.61 yesterday.
Curt Schilling on Javier Vasquez: “You’re seeing what you’re gonna get from him consistently all year. Having said that, he could turn around next week and throw a one-hitter with his stuff. I just don’t see him being a consistent winner in the American League.”
Please prove this asshat wrong, Javier.
Dr. Phil McGraw has announced that men whose ring fingers are longer than their index finger are “prone to infidelity.”
Sorry (in advance), Teresa.
Linda Stasi “reviews” Sunset Daze, a “sometimes poignant reality show about an adult community in Arizona.”
“Sure, Sunset Daze is just like all other reality TV shows — except this one’s real.” Sounds fascinating.
Do I even need to tell you she gives it three stars?
Das ist alles. The weather outside is Portland-esque, but try to enjoy it anyway.
In addition to the ad for the piece in the PULSE section that tells you WHAT TO WEAR on ‘Boobquake’ Day (which might have come in handy yesterday, as most people are already dressed and on their way to start their day by the time they pick up their Monday paper), there are two stories on today’s cover. E-Z MONEY reports that “thousands of cabbies” have been avoiding the E-Z Pass lanes at toll crossings (despite having E-Z Passes), because they make more money letting the meter run as they wait in the Cash Only lanes. Dishonest cabbies? In New York City? [insert SarcMark here]
The other story is Druggie Douglas & dopey mom. A quick flip to pages 8 and 9 reveals the headline ‘Being a mother is above her pay grade’ (under the banner Diandra Douglas vacationed during son Cameron’s drug spiral: friends). An old friend (?) of Diandra’s (Patricia Sullivan-Webb) claims that Diandra once told her, “I don’t like this child. I don’t think I even love him.” That’s bad parenting. But what I find even more disgusting is the fact that she named her twins (birthed by a surrogate in 2004) Hudson and Hawk. That’s like naming your kids Heaven’s and Gate or Ish and Tar.
Because Pedro Espada Jr. is telling anyone who’ll listen that Andrew Cuomo is going after him for wholly political reasons, Cuomo will not announce his candidacy for governor this week. The worst-kept secret in government will, instead, be announced in late May instead. Fun Fact: Espada means sword in Spanish. And Espada Jr. means tiny penis.
Joseph McVey, 23, of Ohio, showed up at Asheville Regional Airport yesterday as Air Force One was taking off. McVey claimed he wanted to see the POTUS and his wife before they left. He was driving a fake police cruiser (it had “police-like strobe lights, scanners and sirens”) and wearing a holstered handgun. He gave police a fake driver’s license.
Note his last name (alternate spelling aside).
The wake for Hugo Tale-Yax will be held in Brooklyn on Wednesday, giving people another chance to look at him and do nothing.
Charlie Rangel has repaid the $3,478 for the travel and lodging that the House Ethics Committee decided he owed.
But he did so with campaign donations.
His spokesman said, “These payments were made in full compliance with FEC rules.” Which is part of the problem.
Add Trousdale to the list of clubs that Lindsay Lohan is no longer allowed in.
On Friday night, according to Page Six (today on page 12), she stormed over to a table where Samantha Ronson was sitting with friends, and threw a drink (in a glass) at her head. Lohan was immediately ejected (and blacklisted) and Ronson immediately posted on Twitter, “Just got a glass thrown at my head… Hmmmm — wonder who did it.”
Lohan will turn 24 in July. If she lives that long.
Al Sharpton has vowed to travel down to Arizona where “we will walk down the streets with no identification and submit ourselves to arrest.”
I’m willing to bet that no one has ever looked at Mr. Sharpton and thought he was Mexican. I’m also willing to bet that many Arizona policemen will soon be testifying that they honestly couldn’t tell one way or the other.
“Pope Benedict told priests yesterday to safeguard children from evil and win the ‘absolute’ trust of their flock.”
Pick one, Your Excellency. They can’t do both.
Up to 42,000 gallons of oil are leaking into the Gulf of Mexico every day. It began on Tuesday of last week with an oil rig explosion. The rig sank on Thursday. The sheen on the surface of the water had grown to 20 miles by 20 miles on Saturday — “about 25 times larger than it appeared to be a day earlier.”
Why does God hate New Orleans so much?
Mandrea!
Bloomberg’s art in the wrong place criticizes the mayor for “waging war against” sidewalk artists. Oh, so you’re pro-sidewalk artists? “Frankly, I think there are too many crummy artistes jamming the sidewalks.” You’re a national treasure, Mr. Peyser.
One punk worth mourning notes the passing of Malcolm McLaren. Who died on April 8th.
But the bulk of the page is devoted to ‘Kick-Asinine’ role model, which contains more contradictions than the a meeting of Log Cabin Republicans. Mandrea is disgusted by the character Hit Girl in the movie Kick-Ass. She describes her as “cute as a mangy puppy… when she’s not donning a black bondage mask [JEDITOR'S NOTE: It isn't a bondage mask; it's the mask that cartoon burglars wear.], vinyl catsuit and purple wig, and wielding a massively phallic gun.”
“While designed to titillate hardcore pedophiles and bullied geeks, the overhyped movie breathes new life into a problem that dates back at least to the amoral ’70s: It sexualizes small children, too young to properly identify body parts by their Latin names.” [JEDITOR'S NOTE: I have no idea what that means.]
So the movie is awful, huh? “[Kick-Ass is] an intoxicatingly entertaining, wildly inappropriate, and alarmingly sexual revenge fantasy.” [JEDITOR'S NOTE: There is a sub-plot wherein the titular hero has sex with the object of his crush. There is no more sexuality, let alone alarmingly sexual revenge, in the movie.]
Mandrea includes many quotes from outraged parents who insist that the movie (WHICH IS RATED R) is inappropriate for their young children. B’also? It will irrevocably damage the actress who played Hit Girl. “All you have to do is look at child actors, and see how their real lives reflect the orally compromised characters they’ve been force [sic] to portray. Look at Tatum O’Neal [drug problem]. Look at Drew Barrymore [same]!”
Mandrea finishes with, “But my kid, the target audience, won’t see it on a dare. And that should send Kick-Ass down the toilet.” Yeah! Peyser’s 11-year-old daughter, who isn’t old enough to see the movie and is therefore NOT the target audience, doesn’t want to see this intoxicatingly entertaining movie! So let’s send it down the toilet!
Wait… she said that the movie is designed to titillate pedophiles and that her child is the target audience. Can an 11-year-old be a pedophile? Could this article be a cry for help?
6,700,000 copies of the new Avatar DVD (and Blu-Ray) were sold in its first four days of release.
I wonder how many of the buyers will also be purchasing the version that comes with extras (not yet released). Or the 3-D version (not yet released).
Suckers.
I don’t know if its because the model (they only used one) isn’t buxom enough or if its the fault of the clothes she wears, but I don’t think the PULSE section fully understands the point of Boobquake. Cleavage is visible in only 2 of the 5 outfits. Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi would approve.
The Yankees lost yesterday, putting us 1.5 games behind the Rays. Baltimore beat the Red Sox (ha!) to become 3-16. They will play the Yankees on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
If we don’t sweep, I will be sad.
That’s all we have time for today. Stop by tomorrow for more hijinx.
SATURDAY
* “Researchers at the University of Maryland who asked 200 students to give up all media for one full day found that after 24 hours many showed signs of withdrawal, craving and anxiety, along with an inability to function well without their media and social links.” (furiously waves miniature American flag while changing his Facebook status to “is furiously waving a miniature American flag”)
* Rep. Babette Josephs’ challenger in the May 18th Democratic primary for the 182nd district in Philadelphia is Gregg Kravitz. The district is “anchored by a roughly three-square-block area known as the Gayborhood.” Josephs claims that Kravitz told her he was gay but showed up to a campaign event with a woman who introduced herself as “his girlfriend.” So, Josephs told the crowd at a recent fundraiser, “I outed him as a straight person and now he goes around telling people, quote, ‘I swing both ways.’ That’s quite a respectful way to talk about sexuality.” Kravitz, 29, describes himself as “openly bisexual and currently in a relationship with a woman” and calls Josephs’ comments “dishonest and disgusting.” Josephs defended her comments by saying, “My point was that in 2010, a person’s sexuality is not an issue.” This will all be included in my proposal to the Philly Tourism Bureau, Philadelphia: What’s To Like?
* France continues to antagonize their Muslim community, this time by pulling over a 31-year-old woman and giving her a ticket for driving while wearing a niqab. Nothing bad can come of this.
* Is there more to the Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) and Obama connection than previously believed? “According to passages in the papers filed by Blagojevich’s lawyers — which were blacked out under a judge’s order but made visible by a computer glitch — Obama, then president-elect, spoke directly to the disgraced governor on Dec. 1, 2008.” Made visible by a computer glitch? Seriously? I had no idea that computers could be partisan. (slow pan to the wall calendar which reads “2001″)
* The guy who hacked into Sarah Palin’s e-mail account (David Kernell, 22) faces “up to 50 years in prison.” Oh, David. You should have beaten a toddler to death with a hairbrush! Or set your son on fire!
* Abu Tallah al-Amrike is the guy who threatened the South Park guys (“May Allah kill Matt Stone and Trey Parker and burn them in Hell for all eternity. They insult our prophets Mohammed, Jesus, and Moses.”). But that’s not his real name. His real name is Zachary Cheeser. I sincerely hope that that name winds up in a future episode of South Park.
* The cop who knocked Christopher Long off of his bicycle has offered his defense: “He was threatening to use [his] shoulder against me. I see him crouch down his shoulder as he’s coming toward me… At this point, I know he’s going to try to use that shoulder against me.” Let’s go to the videotape:
Yeah… ex-cop Patrick Pogan is 100% full of shit.
* MTA Gropenführer Jay Walder announced that the MTA “plan to refocus the agency’s station rehabilitation program from multiyear mega-projects to lower-cost projects that will have quicker benefits.” And how did this epiphany come to Mr. Walder? He saw the profoundly damaged roofs at stations on the 1 line and asked the staff if there were plans to fix them. Their answer? “We’re never going to get to that.” I applaud Walder’s attempt to fast-track repairs, but I’m not entirely convinced that the MTA is capable of doing anything right.
* I’m a fairly hardcore comic book nerd, but I had no idea this was going on. Frank Frazetta Sr., 82, is one of the most famous and beloved fantasy artists of all time (his Conan paintings are legendary). His son (Frank Frazetta Jr.) was caught breaking into his father’s museum in the Poconos in an attempt to steal $20,000,000 worth of art. He claimed he was merely trying to save the art from his siblings, who had filed suit over the estate. But the dispute has been resolved and Frank Sr. can now die a happy man (but hopefully not for a while).
* Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told a group of his followers that “Many women who do not dress modestly… [and] lead young men astray… spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes.” As a “fuck you” to Mr. Sedighi, Purdue University senior Jennifer McCreight has created a protest to be held on Monday, April 26th. To participate in “Boobquake,” McCreight is suggesting that woman all over the world “wear revealing outfits.” Now that’s my kind of political protest!
* Bret Michaels, 47, was rushed to the hospital just before midnight on Thursday with “an excruciating headache.” Doctors discovered he was “bleeding at the base of the brain stem.” VH1 has already begun production on Subarachnoid Hemorrhage of Love.
* “A man in his early 20s was stabbed in the neck outside the criminal court building in Downtown Brooklyn last night.” Good thing my wife isn’t currently a juror… oh. Damn.
* Kerry Lewis was awarded $18,500,000 in his lawsuit against the Boy Scouts of America. Lewis was sexually abused by his Scoutmaster, Timur Dykes, well after Dykes admitted to a Scouts official in 1983 that he had molested 17 boys (Dykes was allowed to continue being a Scoutmaster). Look for many many many other lawsuits to follow shortly.
* Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax was a homeless man who noticed a woman being attacked on 144th Street at 88th Road in Jamaica last Sunday at 5:40 a.m. He intervened, saving the woman, but was repeatedly stabbed by the assailant. He collapsed on the street, slowly bleeding to death. Surveillance footage caught 25 different people passing him on the street and doing nothing. One person shook his body, noticed the pool of blood, and walked away. Another took a picture with his phone. Firefighters (responding to a call of “a non-life-threatening injury”) arrived at 7:23, at which point Mr. Tale-Yax was dead. (cue Phil Ochs’ “Outside of a Small Circle of Friends”)
* In the editorial Cowardly Central, the Post ridicules Comedy Central for censoring South Park and raising security in the wake of death threats. “This week, to mark its 200th episode, South Park featured a bit in which the characters try to portray Mohammed without actually showing him. The show ended up showing him dressed in a bear costume.” Uh… no. That was last week (4/15). This week, the guy in the bear costume was revealed to be Santa Claus. Oops.
* Selected excerpts from Bill O’Reilly’s Fox News’ Secret Fan:
“[Jon Stewart's] barbs are overwhelmingly directed at conservatives, although, from time to time, he will mock some far-left loons who are simply too stupid to ignore. Stewart’s current jihad is against Fox News Channel, which he considers to be in the tank for the right wing. Often, the comedian will point out ‘hypocrisy’ at FNC, mainly objecting to criticisms leveled at the Obama administration, which is almost revered on The Daily Show. But do you know what? I think Stewart actually likes Fox News.”
“While he has told Fox News personnel to go ‘F’ themselves about 600 times, he seems to do that affectionately. My theory is that Stewart has a crush on Fox News, and if you think about it, the speculation makes sense.”
“Of course, for Stewart to tell his audience… that he is a big Fox News fan would break many hearts in San Francisco.”
“By the way, why are there not any conservative comedians with TV shows?”
What about Dennis Miller? Or Fox News’ short-lived The 1/2 Hour News Hour? They’re conservative (and the perfect answer to your question — conservatives aren’t [intentionally] funny). And I love watching documentaries on the Nazis, but that doesn’t mean I have a crush on Nazis. My theory is that Bill O’Reilly has a crush on Andrea Mackris.
* The Yankees lost again. They’re now 11-5.
SATURDAY NIGHT
Let’s Have A Ball was outstanding, despite Christina’s absence. I can finally check “improvise with Ed Herbstman” off my bucket list. I’ll be sitting in throughout the month of May. I highly recommend swinging by.
SUNDAY
Today’s EXCLUSIVE front page shows a Jets fan sitting in their new $1,700,000,000 (that’s billion with a b) stadium… behind a gigantic steel column (BLIND SIDE: Fans pillar-y new football stadium seats). The follow-up on page 3 explains that a total of 59 seats will have to be removed from the two end-zone mezzanine sections because of four pillars “that experts say are routinely avoided in modern stadium design.” The stadium’s designer, George Heinlein, responds, “The seats were installed during construction as a temporary solution to prevent a hazard and will be removed shortly with a permanent railing.”
Then, I imagine, he ran away.
Page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is on page 10 today) and page 7 are devoted to SCHOOL TESTS BRING THE FLUNK, which claims that the state Education Department has made their standardized tests much harder this year. Four questions are provided as examples for each of grades 3 through 8. I scored 4-out-of-4 in grades 3, 4, 5, and 6. I got 1 grade 7 question wrong (what the hell is a polynomial?) and 1 grade 8 question wrong (I still don’t understand trigonometry).
I’m pretty sure my scores make me the smartest person to ever read the New York Post.
Stephen Hawking on aliens: “I imagine they might exist in massive ships having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach.”
Looks like someone just rented Indepedence Day.
The unintentionally hilarious defense (made by his publicist, Ken Sunshine) of Steven Seagal’s many recent sexual harassment claims, which date back to 1991: “They are coming out of the woodwork, but this woodwork isn’t usually 20 years old.”
Just how much younger does your client like them, Ken?
“A Thai restaurant near Adelaide, Australia, turned away a blind man because the staff misunderstood when his girlfriend said they wanted to bring in a guide dog. Waiters misheard ‘guide’ as ‘gay.’ The restaurant was hit with a $1,400 fine for discrimination.”
Discrimination against… gay dogs? Oh, Australia. You so crazy.
Senator Lindsey Graham (R – SC) has threatened to withdraw his support for energy and climate legislation “if Democrats move first on immigration reform,” which Graham calls “a cynical political ploy.”
Kind of like withdrawing your support for something you believe in for wholly political reasons.
Question: If Rush Limbaugh can say that the Icelandic volcano’s ash cloud is God’s response to Obama’s health-care reform passing, then can I say that the recent tornadoes in the South (where Governor Haley Barbour’s native Yazoo County has suffered “utter obliteration”) is God’s response to Barbour’s (and others’) praise of the Confederacy and their insistence that the Civil War wasn’t really about slavery?
IN MY LIBRARY is a weekly feature which asks a celebrity to name four books they love. This week it’s Mary Gaitskill, whose short story “Celebrity” was made into the Maggie Gyllenhaal movie of the same name. The first sentence of the column (which is oddly uncredited) begins, “Mary Gaitskill says that when she had trouble getting going on a ‘political sci-fi story’ about Ashlee Dupree and other scandalous women…”
The prostitute’s employer managed to misspell both of her names. Outstanding.
PULSE reports that, “while filming emotional moments” on the set of Iron Man 2, Mickey Rourke “asked to be shown photos of his dead Chihuahua, Loki.”
I wonder if he realizes that the villain responsible for forming the Avengers (which includes Iron Man) was Thor’s half-brother, Loki. I also wonder what his time with Bai Ling has done to his genitals.
ASK ASHLEY!
The first question (and answer) in today’s column is the one I found online last week, which means there are only two advice-seekers this week.
Is it sexist to think my girlfriend — whom I live with — should do my laundry when she does her own? What’s the big deal? — Greg, 29, Upper East Side
ASHLEY: “I don’t see a problem with adding your laundry to a load that has to be washed and dried anyway. But maybe buy one of those three-section laundry basket separators for you both to use, so that she doesn’t have to go and separate your laundry on top of hers. This way, all she has to do is put it directly into the machines.”
ME: “It isn’t sexist, it’s inconsiderate. You’re a shitty boyfriend.”
What should I plan for an extra-special (and racy!) 40th birthday for my wife? We’ve been happily married for 11 years. — JJ, 39, Union Square
ASHLEY: “Surprise her with an envelope. In it, put two plane tickets to a romantic place that she’s been wanting to visit.”
ME: “Get her a prostitute.”
Andy Pettitte pitched a phenomenal game yesterday (1 run on 6 hits in 8 innings — and 0 walks), giving the Yanks a 7-1 win (and a 12-5 record). Baltimore is 2-16.
Vasquez is pitching today and, as I type this, the Yankees are losing 5-4 in the 6th (Cano just hit a solo home run).
The end. May the remainder of your weekend be filled with joy and mirth. Until tomorrow, I remain.
Can’t remember if I’ve posted this before. But even if I did, it bears repeating/reposting/reviewing.
(and thanks to Christina for alerting me to this commercial’s existence)
BOOBY PRIZE!
NY1 newswoman’s ‘big breast’ sex suit a bust
“A Brooklyn jury needed only one minute yesterday to decide that former NY1 reporter Adele Sammarco was not sexually harassed…”
Also on the front page: Why we laughed her out of court: juror SEE PAGE 5 and a sidebar on who the Giants picked in the NFL draft. Not on the front page (or the next five): Obama’s speech to Wall Street. Which leads me to believe he did a good job. But back to poor Adele who, after the case was closed, told reporters, “I have no regrets. I’m really at peace. The truth came out, and that’s what I was looking for.”
Really? The reason you sued your former boss was that you wanted everyone to know that they thought you were incompetent and paranoid? Mission accomplished!
As for the juror (Marie Gorini, 55), she had this to say: “Once the seven men on the jury realized I wasn’t going in there and blindly screaming about women’s rights, everything was really good.” All of a sudden, I don’t like the fact that my wife is currently a(n alternate) juror (but bonus points to the Post for the title of Marie’s piece — I don’t want to ‘knocker,’ but she had no real case).
Pages 6 (not to be confused with Page Six which is on page 12 today) and 7 cover Obama’s speech (BAM’S BOLD ‘STREET’ SWEEP). There’s a large cartoon of Obama (dressed like a cowboy) riding a bull (with WALL ST painted on it for the same reason yesterday’s goose had a sign around his neck) under the headline Few are bullish on the O plan. As proof, five people are quoted.
“I think he should stay in Washington. Forty percent of the income is derived by Wall Street in New York, and by him doing a smear campaign, he’s definitely going against the people’s will.” — Financial District worker David Sulyma (another person that subscribes to the “politicians should do what the people with the most money tell them” theory)
“Beating up on Wall Street may be good short-term politics — but not if it gets in the way of right solutions.” — The US Chamber of Commerce (not the right solutions, mind you)
“I can’t see how there can’t be common ground reached on this. I didn’t think he was being punitive.” — The Rev. Calvin Butts (yeah, but he’s Black so of course he supports Obama)
“We need a bill, and the president and I probably agree on about 90 percent of the things… We need new regulations…” — Mayor Bloomberg (yeah, but he’s Black so of course he agrees with 90% of what Obama said)
“The truth is, the American people have had enough of the federal government.” — House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio (isn’t it ironic? don’t you think?)
So what if the quotes don’t match the sentiment of the headline? He’s dressed like a cowboy!
The SEC earns an XXX-rating (re-)reports that senior staffers at the SEC were surfing porn sites while being paid to make sure things like the Bernie Madoff scandal didn’t happen. “One senior attorney spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading porn.” I hope the pornography was at least somewhat related to finance.
The coverage continues on page 8 with Michael Goodwin’s Mighty O neuters fat cats. “The show was more fizzle than sizzle.”
“The trip to New York, billed as a daring adventure into the lion’s den, was instead an in-your-face victory lap.”
Aren’t fat cats a bad thing? Who billed his trip as an adventure (besides Goodwin)? And when is Goodwin going to fall down some stairs?
“Eight teens were arrested in the spree, which included a stabbing and four cellphone robberies on the B and F trains in Midtown Tuesday.” As someone who uses those trains with great frequency, this is a V/B/F/D (to paraphrase Vice President Biden).
This’ll play well on Fox News: Michael Moore and Oliver Stone are scheduled to be part of a panel discussion focusing on “Hollywood’s role in chronicling history” — which will air on Al-Jazeera.
Why do those guys hate America so much?
Cindy Adams says, “The scientific community is saying that, even as we speak, a more advanced study on the subject of humans evolving from apes is being prepared. I understand it may be titled: When Did Drew Carey First Walk Upright?“
I don’t understand.
A 12-year-old girl (Miriam Starobin) performed the Heimlich Maneuver on her choking friend, saving her life. Miriam says she remembered how to do the Heimlich from an old episode of Spongebob Squarepants.
This reminds me of the time I used what Kidd Video and Master Blaster taught me to extinguish a brush fire.
What next? A Black guy?
In Veronica #202, Riverdale will meet its first-ever gay character (not counting Jughead, Reggie and Moose), Kevin Keller (who I have arbitrarily decided is based on the IRC’s own Kevin Kelly). The co-CEO of Archie Comics, Jon Goldwater, said that any people who are offended by Archie and his friends hanging around with a homosexual “aren’t the kind of people we want reading our comics anyway.”
In a related story, Kevin Kelly and Ken Carson are buying a house together.
Hulu is getting ready to start their $10/month subscription service. Your first 5 TV shows would be free, but further viewing will cost you $10. Per month.
Good luck with that, Hulu.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives two stars to The Back-Up Plan (“Kidding around”), and two and a half stars to both Paper Man (“Imaginative fix for writer’s block”) and Boogie Woogie (“Smart satire.”).
Kyle Smith gives The Losers half a star (“Mission: unwatchable.”) and Behind the Burly Q two and a half stars (“absorbing documentary”).
V.A. Musetto gives Breath Made Visible three stars (contains artistic nudity) and three and a half stars to the Korean movie The Good, The Bad, The Weird (“featuring a cast of thousands of men and horses — and a few women, who serve mostly as eye candy”).
Pete Hammond calls The City of Your Final Destination, “a piercing and intelligent dramedy.”
The Yankees lost the game yesterday, and their spot at the top of the AL East (Tampa is 12-4, we’re 11-4). Even so, the triple play that the Yankees pulled off in the 6th was pretty cool (the last Yankee triple play was pulled off in 1968).
Burnett and Santana will be dueling tonight in California. Boston (6-10) plays Baltimaore (2-14).
The TV listings say there’s a new episode of Kitchen Nightmares on at 9:00 tonight. Fox.com says there’s a special re-airing of Glee on at 9:00 tonight.
Well played, Fox.
Holy cats! It’s Friday afternoon! Hooray for the impending weekend!
If you’re planning on seeing Let’s Have A Ball tomorrow night, I’d suggest you reserve your tickets ASAP. They’re selling like hotcakes!
Happy weekend!
Today’s front page is devoted to the Post’s editorial, Dear Mr. President DON’T KILL THE GOLDEN GOOSE City economy imperiled in the name of ‘reform’ (and, for people who can’t decipher that cryptic headline, it’s accompanied by a photo of a goose — tinted gold — wearing a sign that says WALL STREET). That reform is in (single) quotation marks indicates that the editorial staff (staph?) doesn’t believe it actually reforms anything. The piece also states that Obama’s speech today will “push stringent new federal regulation of Wall Street in the name of ‘financial oversight’” (more sarcastic quotation marks!). For those of you that needed the sign-wearing goose photo, stringent means “marked by rigor, strictness or severity especially with regard to rule or standard” — which indicates that the editorial staff believes it reforms too much.
The piece goes on to criticize Democrats who warn “against a return to the days when ‘big banks feasted [and] just about everybody else suffered.’ But that kind of rhetorical overkill is a dagger to the heart of an industry that is the heart of New York’s economic well-being.” Rhetorical overkill?
“Not that Wall Street hasn’t brought a lot of this on itself, of course. The dangerous risk-taking and often reckless policies that sparked the 2008 crisis are more than enough reason for Wall Street to be subjected to an added layer of constructive oversight. But when such regulation is driven by partisan hysteria and rhetorical overkill, the results can scarcely be positive.” Rhetorical overkill? Again?
So reform is necessary, but not this reform. All that’s really needed is an added layer of constructive oversight. Not, you know, tangible consequences for criminal actions.
Hey, Tea Partiers? If you’re going to go on the TV box to complain about Obama’s consideration of a value-added tax, please stop calling it a “VAT tax.” That’s like saying “ATM machine” or “T.G.I.F. Friday.”
Lane Bryant has a new TV ad for their new line of lingerie, Cacique. Fox didn’t want to air it (during American Idol), but Lane Bryant pointed out that they were airing Victoria’s Secret ads during AI that were just as racy, so they reluctantly agreed. ABC, however, refused to air the spot during Dancing With the Stars, citing “too much cleavage” as the reason.
Here’s the ad:
I have no problem with the cleavage, but the idea that plus-sized women go to lunch in their underwear? There are children watching!
“The dramatic predawn raid on Senate Majority Leader Pedro Espada’s health-care empire by state and federal investigators yesterday will likely result in his indictment on multiple federal charges in as soon as a month, law-enforcement sources told The Post.”
Thank you, Andrew Cuomo.
While high on OxyContin, Kayla Gerdes, 18, drove a van into Rebecca Twine Wright, 69, on Tuesday. Wright was moving her lawn at the time and was killed instantly. Police claim that once Gerdes was arrested (at the scene), she told them, “The thing that made me not feel so bad was, she was old.” Later (in front of reporters), Gerdes screamed, “I didn’t mean to do it… I’m so sorry, it was a mistake! The car went out of control and I was pressing the brake and it wouldn’t go! I was on prescription drugs. Leave me alone!”
The van belonged to Gerdes’ boyfriend/employer (!), Brian Steele Jr., who was in the passenger seat. He was allegedly driving Gerdes to court (she was arrested the day before for shoplifting), though the court was actually in the other direction (he says they were picking up Gerdes’ mother first). But when the obviously drugged-up Gerdes insisted that Steele wasn’t driving fast enough, he allowed her to get behind the wheel.
Gerdes also has “two open drug cases in Nassau County” and was arrested in February in Florida, on drug charges.
Gerdes will be going away for a long time (fingers crossed), but Steele hasn’t being charged with anything yet. Which is criminal.
The section of the Coney Island Boardwalk between Ocean Parkway and Brighton First Road is having its wooden boards replaced with “large cement slabs” that are “textured to resemble sand and pebbles.”
Feh.
Here’s the new $100 bill:
It has “a 3-D security ribbon down the middle, containing tiny pictures of the Liberty Bell and little ‘100s.’ The bells and the numbers seem to move from side to side as the bill is tilted.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Avatar: The Currency.
A forensic psychiatrist for the defense examined Adele Sammarco and concluded that she is a “paranoid narcissist.” He added, “Mike Wallace was her role model. As a child she would dress up like Mike Wallace.”
Just when you thought this case couldn’t get any creepier…
I checked SouthParkStudios.com this morning, hoping to see last night’s episode. It isn’t there. But this is:
In a related story, Abu Tallah al Amrikee posted on RevolutionMuslim.com that, “We have to warn Matt [Stone] and Trey [Parker] that what they are doing is stupid and they will probably wind up like Theo Van Gogh for airing this show.” He was referring to the episode that aired on 4/14/10. Fox News had Mr. al Amrikee on and he told them, “[My post was] not a threat, but it really is a likely outcome. They’re going to be basically on a list in the back of the minds of a large number of Muslims. It’s just the reality.”
What absolutely baffles me is that last week’s episode didn’t show Muhammad’s face. But years ago, a different episode of South Park did.
That’s him on the right.
I hope Matt and Trey live long enough to finish their Broadway musical, The Book of Mormon (plus a few decades).
The Brooklyn Botanic Garden will hold its annual cherry blossom festival on the first two days of May.
But the trees are already in full bloom and there might not be any left by May.
Oops.
Is MTV thinking about firing half the cast of Jersey Shore before shooting the third season (they haven’t even finished shooting the second season!)? Pauly D, Snooki and The Situation are all contracted (just like their sexually-transmitted diseases!), but the rest of the cast might be replaced. This is exactly what they tried to do to the cast of The State (except that they actually deserved to be on television).
According to Page Six (today on page 18), Paulina Porizkova called Heidi Montag a “cheap plastic pool float.”
Representatives of six pool float companies have already announced their plans to sue for slander.
Mandrea’s rantings have been pushed back to page 27 today. Poor dear.
EXPERTS SPEW NONSENSE incredulously relates how an anchorwoman said “‘Some experts [where? on Mars?] say the Iceland volcano is an attempt by the earth to cool itself.’ Now we’ve got ‘experts’ who can read the mind of the — wait for it — Eyjafjallajokull volcano. No mean feat.” Is Peyser really that stupid?
Let’s assume she is, slowly back away, and move on.
Three bisexual men in Seattle are suing the Gay Softball World Series for telling them they were not allowed to participate because “they were not gay enough.”
If they’re only half-gay, why not let them play as designated hitters — the gay half bats and the straight half sits in the dugout when the rest of the team takes the field?
I feel like King Solomon!
Nicolas Sarkozy has proposed a ban on women wearing Islamic veils (that cover their faces) in public.
Surely nothing bad can come of this.
“Hundreds of thousands of computers rebooted continuously yesterday for several hours after an anti-virus-software update mistakenly identified a normal program as contaminated.”
I love my Mac.
Sony and Major League Baseball have struck a deal that will allow Playstation 3 owners to subscribe to MLB.TV ($19.95/month for all MLB games, some that you can watch simultaneously). And the Orioles (2-14) are offering some subscribers the ability to use their controllers to try and help their team win.
The Yankees won last night (and in a timely fashion, too!) as Phil Hughes pitched a no-hitter (until the 8th inning when he gave up a hit and was replaced by Joba and, in the 9th, Mariano). Hughes joins Sabathia, Pettitte and Burnett in the 2-0 club.
Sabathia takes the mound at 3:35 this afternoon.
The NFL has banned Ben Roethlisberger for six games. The Steelers are trying to trade him.
I hope the women the women he forced himself on find solace in that.
TruTV has started developing the Massachusetts version of Jersey Shore. It’s called Wicked Summah.
Re-tah-did.
I just realized that I forgot to mention that Teresa is an alternate juror, so I actually get to see her for an extra hour in the morning and an extra two hours at night (when I ‘m not coaching). It’s great.
But I know nothing about the trial, so don’t ask me. Or do ask me and I’ll make something up.
The weekend approaches! Another hour of improvised comedy with the Let’s Have A Ball kids is a mere 55 hours away!
Enjoy your Thursday, kids!
I, too, fear that non-Whites will start a new breed of cholera, measles or mumps. It keeps me up at night.
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