Archive for April 13th, 2010

The back page of the Post is devoted to sports. Today’s headline is BLING IT ON! in honor of the Yankees’ first home game of the season. They’re playing the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California Which Is Actually A Different City Than Los Angeles, California (LAAoACWIAADCTLAC), which is where Hideki Matsui was traded after winning the World Series MVP award last season. When I saw the headline, my first thought was, “I know he’s not on our team anymore, but there’s no need to mock his accent.”

Turns out the reference wasn’t to Hideki’s pronounciation of the letter r, but rather to the World Series rings that the Yankees will be given before the game. Pettitte will pitch. The game starts at 1:05. Hooray for baseball!

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Over on the front page, STREET FIGHT: Mike socks bank-bashin’ Congress tells of Mayor Bloomberg’s defense of Wall Street (he says new regulations will bankrupt some of the companies that were responsible for bankrupting millions of Americans and, for some weird reason, I can’t bring myself to care) and New book bombshell: OPRAH’S SECRETS & LIES gives readers a preview of Kitty Kelley’s new biography (“Winfrey concocted stories about sexual abuse she suffered as a child — and grossly exaggerated the poverty she was brought up in.” and “Winfrey sold her body to earn extra money and has even described herself as a teen ‘prostitute.’”). Also, says the book, Oprah used to date (and have sex with!) John Tesh. Which might also explain why she’s now gay.

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Poor Carl Paladino.

Just when it looked like the Tea Party-backed candidate in New York’s upcoming gubernatorial was starting to gain momentum (sarc mark), WNYmedia.net has uncovered a wealth of e-mails that Mr. Paladino (who’s running on coservative and family values, natch) has sent or forwarded to friends and co-workers in recent months. Most of them are racist and pornographic and the opposite of clever. This one is my favorite:

I don’t really grok how this is a joke (beyond “Black people are about to get killed! LOL!”). But to hear Paladino tell it, he isn’t a racist. As he responded to the recipient of a forwarded video of an African tribesman dancing (titled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal”), “i’m not sensitive to ethnic humor. dago, spic, polack whatever we hear the humor everyday. i think the oversensitivity to black/white is wrong and in itself demeaning.”

Oh! Now I get it! “run niggers, run” is a satiric jab at political correctness! Well played, Carl!

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Half of page 3 is devoted to An eyeful of T&Ashley, a full-color “teaser” for Ashley Dupre’s impending Playboy spread. It seems like only January when she (again) told the Post that she would never pose for a dirty magazine.

That’s why you should never trust a prostitute.

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Congratulations to Ed Bruns, 46, of Wyoming! Ed got 1,501 piercings in a five-hour session on Saturday, beating the previous world record by 304. “Afterward, Bruns kept only one of the piercings, a small barbell on the back of his head.”

I like closing my eyes and imaging what that looks like.

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Frankie Valli is suing former members of the Jersey Boys cast for touring with The Boys In Concert, which he claims “steals songs, stage elements and copyrighted logos to dupe patrons into thinking it’s an ‘authorized road company.’”

Just imagine how angry those audience members will be when they find out that the people pretending to be famous singers aren’t the officially authorized people pretending to be famous singers and that they never had permission to use those logos.

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Senator Orrin Hatch (R – Utah) started spreading the rumor that Hillary Clinton might could be the next Supreme Court Justice. The White House has immediately refuted Hatch’s odd prediction.

In a related story, Senator Chuck Grassley (R – Iowa) used Twitter to proclaim, “Considering CBO analysis of Obama Budget tripling natl debt the Pres is ‘greece-ing’ the slide to American mediocrity. Awake my colleagues.”

I’m pretty sure he meant, “Awake, my colleagues.” Or possibly, “I am a tool.”

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Sigourney Weaver on why Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director at this year’s Oscars: “Jim [Cameron] didn’t have breasts, and I think that was the reason. He should have taken home that Oscar.”

Yet another reason I’m glad to have not seen Avatar.

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Jon Voight went on Fox News over the weekend to warn people about “the greatest lie” being “orchestrated… President Obama has been cleverly trained in the Alinsky Method… a socialistic, Marxist teaching with which little by little, he rapes our nation.”

I can’t imagine why his daughter wants nothing to do with him. And I look forward to never seeing another movie he’s in.

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Page Six (today on page 10) reports that Paris Hilton and whoever she’s been dating might be breaking up. Better stock up on penicillin just in case.

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Adam Clayton Powell IV (not his birth name) announced yesterday that he will be running against Charlie Rangel. Let the battle between the tax cheat and the drunk driver begin!

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“A former New Jersey assemblyman who championed legislation fighting child pornography pleaded guilty yesterday to distributing nude images of underage girls.”

Neil Cohen, 59, “pleaded guilty to endangering the welfare of a child by distributing child pornography and could be sent to state prison for five years when he is sentenced on July 12.”

You wanna know how they caught him? He was “viewing and printing” the images “from a computer in his former legislative office. He left at least one image at a receptionist’s desk leading to the investigation and charges.”

I can only hope that his efforts to”fight” child pornography resulted in his (not) lengthy (enough) sentence.

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Kevin Wrynn of Mattituck writes in to say, “Who would be the best liberal or progressive replacement for John Paul Stevens? One who is brilliant, with a fierce dedication to the rule of law, or one who knows how to manipulate and go around the law? President Obama should nominate himself.”

I’ve read it five times and I still don’t know what Kevin thinks.

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The Weinsteins are trying to buy back Miramax from Disney. For $600,000,000. In cash.

Presumably in small, unmarked bills.

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The Houston Astros are now 0-7. Could they have an 0-162 season?

(crosses fingers)

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I wonder if The Keep would’ve been a less horrible movie if Tangerine Dream hadn’t scored it.

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The Nets played their last game at the Izod Center last night. They lost. They’re 12-69. They have one game left against Miami on Wednesday. Followed, I’d imagine, by a series of Silkwood showers.

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Joba Chamberlain’s mother was sentenced to four years of probation for selling a gram of meth to an undercover cop.

Congratulations?

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Linda Stasi constantly reminds us that she hates reality TV. Hates it. Especially the Real Housewives franchise.

And in her review of the second season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, she criticizes the show for not being as good as last season.

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Teresa and I love Modern Family because it’s hilarious. Here’s another reason to love it: Every member of the cast has agreed to submit themselves for Emmy consideration in the Supporting Actor/Actress categories. Ed O’Neill explained that “nobody is bigger than anybody else in a show that is evolving into a true ensemble hit.”

I absolutely agree (though I’ll be rooting for Ty Burrell).

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Conan O’Brien will have a new show on TBS in November at 11:00 p.m., bumping George Lopez to midnight.

I hope people can appreciate the irony there.

(Conan originally balked, but Lopez insisted that it was his idea in the first place and talked Conan into it)

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And now I go to the post office to wait on line for an hour (if I’m lucky) and send in our taxes.

Sigh.

Boo.

Oh, look! Nick Johnson just hit a home run in the first inning!

Yay!