Archive for April 30th, 2010

Get Comfy (This’ll Take A While).

30th April
2010
written by jed

In the new Time Out New York, there’s a 10-stop “30 Rock Walk” — starting at 30 Rockefeller Plaza and ending at the UCB for Let’s Have A Ball (Scott Adsit [series regular] and Kay Cannon [writer] usually perform in LHAB, although Kay is currently in California becoming even more famous). There’s even a photo of the cast from two weeks ago (that’s me between Zach Woods and Anthony King). See it online here.

I also feel bad that I’m expecting a bunch of friends to come to this week’s show, but Teresa and I have to high-tail it over to the Magnet right after LHAB to see The Sagher Sisters (Tami Sagher and Ed Herbstman) on its final night.

But enough about me.

THURSDAY

Sandra Bullock is holding her new (adopted) 3 1/2-month-old baby (of color!) on the cover of People, and the cover of the Post is a photo of that cover (notice the People logo behind the baby) beneath the headline OH, BABY! In addition to adopting Louis Bardo Bullock (the process began in January), Sandra is filing for divorce from Jesse James. Congratulations, Sandra! On two counts!

David Morales Colon, 22, was shot to death in Puerto Rico last week. He had previously asked his family “to avoid a traditional funeral when he died.”

So they did.

That’s his corpse. On his motorcycle.

New Pedro Espada scandal: He forced 100 people trying to get full-time jobs as janitors (at his Soundview clinic) to spend two weeks working in a “training program” — at $1.70/hour — with the promise of full-time work once they’d finished.

But after two weeks, they were all given a certificate saying they’d completed the program and informed that there were no full-time positions available.

And that’s how you get janitors to work for less than 25% of the minimum wage.

Page 4 covers the Congressional testimony given by Goldman Sachs executives (Treated like crap). But most of the page is a TALE OF THE TAPE between Senator Carl Levin and Jersey Shore’s Snooki (unfortunately, I’m serious). A “Republican aide” is quoted as saying that, because he repeated expletives made by those GS execs in internal emails, “Levin sounded more like Snooki after a night out than a senator.”

Feigned indignation is the best indignation there is.

Port Authority Director Chris Ward recently said that, “LaGuardia should not be the gateway for domestic flights into New York City. It should fundamentally be torn down and rebuilt again.” But… can New York afford to do that?

“The capital necessary to rebuild LaGuardia is not there. But the planning capacity is and we’re working with the consulting industry to reimagine what LaGuardia could, in fact, look like when it gets completely rebuilt.”

That seems like a constructive use of time and money. Carry on, Chris!

The motorman on a G train had a heart attack and died, but thanks to his letting go of the “dead man’s switch,” the train stopped and no one was hurt.

There aren’t many MTA stories that end well. This is one of them.

(gung gung)

Rosemarie Ferranti, 28, claims she was fired from her City Island Avenue waitressing job after complaining that her supervisor was sexually harassing her. She claims that manager Lanni Liapis asked her to “turn my shrimp into a lobster.”

But Rosemarie? What did you expect when you went to work at The Lobster Box?

In Laura Bush’s new book, Spoken From The Heart, she says that she and her husband were poisoned at the 2007 G8 summit.

If only.

Paris Hilton told Esquire that there are no actual photographs of her naked hoohah — the ones that circulated online a few years back were all Photoshopped. “Ewww. I always wear underwear,” she said, forgetting the sex tape(s) she made.

A Swedish princess that recently broke up with her fiance is now staying in NYC. The Post claims that she was “ranked the 12th ‘hottest young royal’ by Forbes magazine.”

I’m beginning to understand my father’s love of Forbes.

Mandrea hates Justin Bieber, who she calls “the leading cause of injury to the pre-teen demographic,” and Tiki Barber (TIKI TACKY BUT WE LOOK AWAY).

Try to follow this Moebius strip of logic: Mandrea claims that we’ve all reached what she calls Tiki Fatigue. “Tiki Fatigue is the approximate moment when society… becomes oversaturated with celebrity adultery, and tunes out. Tiki Barber may be the lowest in the slime bucket… Still, he wins. We yawn.”

Her point, in her piece about Tiki Barber, is that no one cares about Tiki Barber anymore. That’s Tiki Barber, the guy who the Post has been steadily covering for the last month. The Post being Mandrea’s employer.

A 62-year-old man trying to get off of an MTA bus at Vanderbilt and DeKalb in Fort Greene on Tuesday morning. There was a 21-year-old woman in his way. He tried to maneuver around her. Angry words were exchanged. The woman beat the man’s face with her umbrella. His face required 12 stiches. The woman, Thais Fischer, has been charged with assault and weapon possession.

Thank God they never got around to installing those surveillance cameras in buses.

Roman Angel Salinas broke into a veterinary clinic, injected himself with animal tranquilizers, started watching porn on a computer and passed out. When he woke up, he was in police custody.

And in which state did this happen? I’ll give you a hint:

Vincent Forte of Eastchester writes in to say, “Obama thinks it’s OK for the IRS to ask you if you have health insurance — with a ‘no’ response leading to hefty fines and perhaps a prison sentence… What next? Jail time if you don’t buy a GM auto?”

Perhaps Vincent is an idiot.

Jonah Goldberg’s An Ugly, But Needed, Crackdown tells of his support for the recent Arizona immigration bill.

“I agree that there’s something ugly about the police asking citizens for their ‘papers.’ (There’s nothing particularly ugly about asking illegal immigrants for their papers, though.) There’s also something ugly about American citizens being searched at airports, or about IRS agents prying into nearly all of your personal-financial transactions or, thanks to the passage of ObamaCare, serving as health-insurance enforcers.”

Yes, indeed. Demanding that beige people prove their citizenship is the exact same thing as demanding that everyone proves they aren’t smuggling a bomb onto an airplane.

Jonah Goldberg, ladies and gentlemen.

Bono’s Elevation Partners invested $460,000,000 in Palm. Hewlett-Packard is buying Palm. Bono’s Elevation Partners stand to make $485,000,000.

That’s a 5% return on their investment ($25,000,000).

If Bono was looking for a hefty profit, then he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.

Betty White, 88, will host SNL on May 8th.

It’s about time.

The designated hitter will be used in the All-Star Game from now on.

But don’t pack your bags just yet, Big Papi.

(he’s currently batting .154)

Supernanny announced that this will be her last season.

Steve Carell announced that this will “probably be my last year” on The Office.

The difference between these two announcements is that one of them is an announcement of retirement and one is a request for a raise. Can you guess which is which?

Fun fact: American Idol contestant Crystal Bowersox has “Type 1 diabetic” tattooed on her wrist “because I am really horrible about wearing medic ID bracelets and necklaces.”

Wow.

FRIDAY

The cover story DIGGING FOR GOLD announces the criminal fraud probe launched by the feds into Goldman Sachs. The follow-up on page 8 is joined by news of a protest attended by thousands yesterday on Wall Street. Mandrea’s sidebar (A misguided ‘bank shot’) mocks those protesters, reminding us how incredibly grotesque she can be (without even trying very hard!).

The actress who played Thelma Lou on The Andy Griffith Show, Betty Lou Ryan, 83, had been mugged three times in Los Angeles when she made the decision to move to Mount Airy (Andy Griffith;s birthplace and the inspiration for Mayberry). Shirley Walter Guynn, 45, robbed Betty Lou there on Sunday.

Police caught Shirley, but… where can Betty Lou go to be safe now?

Whither justice?

Patrick Pogan was convicted of filing a false criminal complaint, but acquitted of assault (you know, the thing that’s on film?). Pogan faces “zero to four years in jail.” How much you wanna bet he does zero?

Withered justice.

Oh no! Horace Mann has fallen to the #2 slot on the list of America’s top-rated private schools! Trinity is now #1.

Sorry, Mom.

That oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? It’s now five (5) times worse than previously though. They’re estimating 4,000,000 gallons may wind up in the water. And it’s starting to reach the Louisiana shore.

Hey, Sarah Palin? How’s that “drill, baby, drill” thing workin’ out for ya?

Churley Hurt’s Tea is for triumph in Crist cross refers to the Marco Rubio-supporting Tea Party as “a sprawling movement of ragtag patriots” and insists that their “joyful embrace of a Cuban-American will help put to rest the idiotic and offensive notion that most Tea Partiers are some kind of racists.”

Well, if they like a Cuban-American then all those allegatons of racism must be false! Thanks, Churley!

Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband, Ojani Noa, tried to publish a book about their marriage. J.Lo took him to court and he wound up owing her $545,000. He’s bankrupt. So he’s shopping around a reality TV show (according to Page Six — today on page 13) called I Owe J.Lo. He’d travel the country doing menial jobs to pay off his debt.

I’ll pay him $5 to not do this show — if he can find just another 189,999 people like me, everybody wins!

Cindy Adams (still not apologizing for her odious remarks of a few days ago) reports that, in the Arthur remake (starring Russell Brand in the Dudley Moore role), the Sir John Gielgud role will be filled by… Dame Helen Mirren.

(a single tear rolls down Jed’s cheek)

The Room is playing at the 1,200-seat Ziegfeld Theatre tonight. And it’s sold out.

Hi, doggy!

Women (who make up 15% of the United States Navy) are now allowed to serve on submarines.

As long as they don’t talk about their girlfriends.

Congratulations, Birthers!

It turns out that the guy (Joseph Sean McVey) who tried to “see” President Obama and his wife at a North Carolina airport (while armed and driving a fake police car) is one of you!

Fun fact: He refers to the POTUS as “Hussein”! Hilarious!

Thousands of Graco and Simplicity cribs were recalled yesterday due to possible “hardware failures.”

Hey, I have an idea! Let’s test baby strollers and cribs before they go on the market!

Phil, 26, recently met his biological grandmother, Pearl Carter, 72.

They immediately fell in love. They are now hiring a surrogate to have a child for them.

Teresa, cross New Zealand off the list.

Steve Jobs on Flash: “Flash is no longer necessary to watch video or consume any kind of Web content.”

“Flash is the number one reason Macs crash.”

“Flash was created during the PC era — for PCs and mice.”

I wonder if Adobe could remove Flash from all Apple devices. That’d be amazing.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives one star to A Nightmare on Elm Street (“DROP DEAD, FRED”), two stars to both Please Give (“Begs for sympathy.”) and The Good Heart (“a conclusion of breathtaking corniness”).

Lou Lumenick gives three stars to Harry Brown (“Senior moment of truth”), one star to Furry Vengeance (“Eco-friendly potty humor.”), two stars to Mercy (“risible dialogue”), and one star to In My Sleep (“never rises much above yawn-worthy”).

V.A. Musetto gives both The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (it contains “gore, violence, nudity”) and Anton Chekhov’s The Duel (it contains “sex, nudity”) three stars.

Pete Hammond calls The Good Heart “A wonderful opportunity for memorable charcater studies by two fine actors at the top of their game.”

The Yankees (14-7) won their last two games against Baltimore (4-18), but Tampa Bay has won their last five (we remain 2 1/2 games out of 1st place). The 3-0 Andy Pettitte will pitch against the Chicago White Sox tonight at 7:05. The Mets, on the other hand, are 1/2 game ahead of the Phillies with a 13-9 record (and the #1 slot in the NL East).

If memory serves, I predicted The Bounty Hunter would gross $65,000,000 in the U.S.

As of 4/28/10, it has grossed $63,095,519.

I am brilliant.

By the way, Robinson Cano hit two home runs last night. I thought you should know that.

Kyle Smith’s Where ‘Pacific’ went WRONG rips the HBO series to pieces (“War is hell, and so is Hanks’ series”). I still haven’t seen The Pacific, but if Kyle hates it this much, I’d probably enjoy it.

The end. See you (briefly) tomorrow.

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