Archive for April, 2010
While coming back from a rehearsal last night, I happened to read an article in AM NY (it caught my eye as I flipped to the Sudoku puzzle): Kelsey adds star power to ‘right’ network.
“The conservative-minded star of Frasier has signed up to be the face of the RightNetwork, which will cater to a ‘pro-America, pro-business, pro-military’ audience.”
And that’s how Mr. Grammer joined Jon Voight and Chuck Norris (“Mr. President, as more and more people realize that you are refusing to release your original birth certificate, further questions will fuel the fires of debate or at least hinder the embers from ever being snuffed out. Questions such as, ‘Does it really contain the Hawaiian physician’s name?’ ‘Does it disclose something other than his birthplace that he wishes others not to see?’”) on my list of artists whose work I will go out of my way to avoid. Because, as any non-liberal elite knows, if you don’t agree with Grammer (who is against having to pay more taxes on his pornographically large residual checks), you are anti-America and anti-business and anti-military. And also, you want to kill everyone’s grandparents.
At least now I have an(other) excuse to not see Grammer in the revival of La Cage Aux Folles.
The mandatory minimum sentence that Cameron Douglas faced was 10 years. Yesterday, he was sentenced to… five years. Hence today’s headline KID GLOVES. Judge Richard Berman did, however, warn Cameron that this “may well be his last chance to make it.” Of the letters that Cameron’s father and grandfather (and others) wrote on his behalf, Berman said, “We all need to get over the theme that Cameron Douglas is a victim. Some of the letters reflect a somewhat naive and even misguided viewpoint.” And then he sentenced Douglas to half the mandatory minimum. He also has to pay $325,000 and serve 450 hours of community service.
Mandrea is not happy with this turn of events, as her It’s celebrity justice in the star chamber attests. “I’d hoped I’d never see this day. But within a few minutes, New York fell into the shape-shifting vortex and emerged as Los Angeles Lite — a place where a man’s guilt or innocence lies in direct proportion to his access to fame, fortune and excuses.”
I hate Andrea Peyser. Especially when I kind of agree with her.
“High-school girls typically send and receive 100 text messages a day, according to a study.”
I wonder how many of them actually contain information. OMG LOL RAOTF!
GOP: Return the Gold, O explains that Republicans are asking Obama to return “the nearly $1 million in campaign contributions he has accepted from employees of Goldman Sachs.”
Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC) said, “He certainly cannot claim to be objective when they were one of his largest contributors.”
I just did a little e-research. Turns out that Goldman Sachs did give a lot of money to Democrats. But 31% went to Republicans like McCain and 9iu11ani and Scott Brown. Senator Richard Shelby (R-Ala) is on a panel that oversees the financial industry. He got $34,600. No word as to when the Republicans plan on returning their Goldman Sachs donations.
Do as we say, not as we do.
Pedro Espada Jr. is being accused of looting over $14,000,000 from his Bronx health clinic (Soundview). According to Andrew Cuomo (our next governor), Espada siphoned the $14,000,000 in just the past five years (Espada has run the facility since 1979, so its safe to assume he took more). He also gave himself 14 weeks of paid leave each year, a monthly $2,500 housing allowance for the Bronx co-op he listed as his legal residence (allowing him to represent the Bronx, despite actually living in Mamaroneck), and he billed Soundview for $80,000 in restaurant bills and family vacations — plus $500,000 in campaign expenses.
Monserrate somehow avoided prison. Let’s hope that Espada isn’t so lucky.
Goodwin.
Bigots don’t fit to a Tea is Goodwin’s response to the responses he got to his earlier piece on how everyone who disagrees with him is an anti-Semite.
“But in political terms, the most telling response came from Robert Dacunto of Staten Island. ‘It’s funny how us people in the Tea Parties are painted as haters, racists, etc.,’ he wrote. ‘I nor anyone I associate with would never write letters like that to the people we disagree with.’ Remember his words the next time somebody in Washington tries to demonize the Tea Party. The Tea Partiers deserve respect, not smears.”
How dare you use the photos of Tea Partiers with racist signage to paint the entire group as racist! Instead, use this letter from one person to paint the entire group as not racist!
He also takes issue with President Obama setting foot in New York City (Welcome, O — to the city you want to ruin). “Welcome to New York, Mr. President. Now go home and leave us alone. Please. When he brings his war against Wall Street here tomorrow, Barack Obama isn’t coming to praise Gotham. He’s coming to bury us. We’re not dead yet, but no thanks to him and his policies.”
That’s right, Michael Goodwin is actually saying (not implying, saying) that our President is literally trying to kill everyone in New York City.
“A president who rakes in millions of dollars in contributions from New York banks, then goes after them like they are witches in Salem, has no respect for decency or capitalism.”
What Goodwin is saying here is that politicians have an obligation to do whatever their biggest contributors say, otherwise they are disrespecting capitalism (and decency!).
Shameless.
Larry King might not be getting a(nother) divorce after all. And the Little League coach of King’s 11-year-old and 9-year-old sons (Hector Penate) claims he slept with King’s wife in 2007 (“We had sex in Larry’s bed — a lot.”), but King didn’t mind because he was sleeping with his wife’s sister.
My breakfast in the toilet, hello!
Page Six (today on page 12) tells us that LeRoy Neiman, 89, just had his right leg amputated.
Which, I assume, marks the beginning of his “slanted period.”
Jennifer Aniston has announced that she now wants to direct a movie.
I hope it’s a romantic comedy! That she isn’t in!
The cyclist who got pushed off his bike by that (now former) cop? Not doing himself any favors in court.
Yesterday, he told the jury that he smokes pot every day. “I like to smoke while I defecate in the morning,” said Christopher Long. Of the cop’s attack on him, he explained, “He managed to halt my inertia and change my vector.”
All of a sudden, I wouldn’t be surprised if he loses.
Kal Penn was mugged in Washington, D.C. yesterday!
This may or may not be a publicity stunt to promote the upcoming Harold & Kumar sequel, Harold & Kumar File A Police Report After Kumar Gets Mugged In Washington, D.C.
Doormen struck a deal last night before the midnight deadline.
Their health-care benefits will not be changed, but neither will their stupid outfits.
I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned Malkins absence. Now she’s in the paper more often than Mandrea and Goodwin!
All the President’s Goldman Men insists that “The White House can no more disown Government Sachs than Obama can disown Chicago politics.” I don’t know why she calls them Government Sachs either, but I do find it adorable that all of these shrill right-wingers are insisting that, because Obama took donations or gave jobs to former GS employees that he can’t be trusted to handle financial reform. This is from the same party that has proudly proclaimed that they will try to filibuster the bill regardless of what’s in it.
To paraphrase Charles Grodin (who was quoting someone else), it would be so nice if Malkin wasn’t here.
The PULSE section informs us that NYC women are strangely bonded to the beauticians who wax their Brazilians.
I’d love to meet the one beautician who snaps at her patients, “Just because I’m removing the hair from your asshole doesn’t mean I care about your life!”
Actually, no I wouldn’t.
Everyone I know that has seen the Broadway production of American Idiot has said it is awful.
Except Elisabeth Vincentelli, who (in true Linda Stasi-an fashion) gives it three stars.
The Yankees won last night (and I was awake to hear it), making them 10-3 and putting us at the top of the AL East. Boston is 5-9. Baltimore is 2-13.
Hughes will take the mound tonight for another 10:05 p.m. game that will keep me up until 2:00 a.m.
Only 149 games to go!
Leonard Nimoy, 79, (not to be confused with LeRoy Neiman) has announced that the Fringe episode he just finished appearing in will be his final acting gig.
Don’t die for a while and become strong and flourishing, Leonard.
I had timed today’s entry so that I could post it before my afternoon rehearsal and doctor’s appointment, but I lost a chunk of it at the last minute. Which is why it’s late. Sorry.
And while Modern Family is a repeat tonight, South Park isn’t. And if part two of last week’s 200th episode spectacular is half as good as part one, then that will be disappointing (but still well worth your time).
Happy hump day!
The POTUS is on the cover (WALL BUSTER! O brings Street war to NY as Dems cash in on Goldman) because he’s making a speech on Wall Street in two days, explaining why the financial-reform bill is necessary. Needless to say, the GOP has announced that they intend to filibuster the bill. They’re terrific.
I’m not entirely sure what Obama hopes to accomplish on Thursday. It’s like going into an opium den to explain to all of the addicts why they should stop doing opium (though the addicts might pay closer attention than the folks on Wall Street).
Over the weekend, Senate Majority Leader Pedro Espada Jr. was named in a “federal tax and money-laundering probe.”
Espada’s response? “I’m telling you right now that these are 100 percent falsehoods to fit in neatly, I think, in a rather coordinated way with the announcement over the weekend of the challenge to me.” He’s referring to Desiree Pilgrim Hunter’s announcement that she will run against Espada in the primary.
I think Desiree’s announcement was coordinated to coincide with the recent release of the novel, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I also think that Espada belongs in prison.
Page 3 (KIDS FILLED WITH ‘GLEE’) is entirely devoted to the fact that, as the article’s opening sentence states, “Glee has made it cool to be a choir geek.” It’s basically a full-page ad for the TV show.
I’m trying to remember what network Glee is on…. I think it rhymes with pox…
So far this year, there have been 354 shootings and 139 murders in New York City. There were 13 homicides last week. In fact, every major crime category has seen an increase over 2009. Ray Kelly’s response? “This is the third-lowest year in 48 years.”
Sadly, those 48 years are 1837-1884.
It looks like Adele Sammarco might not have much of a case.
Roma Torre testified that Sammarco “never seemed terribly happy.” Rebecca Spitz testified that “Adele always struck me as someone who was depressed. She had what I would describe as a persecution complex.” And a photo was entered into evidence of Sammarco looking at (and laughing at) the photo of her with comically-enlarged boobs.
In a related story, Roger Clark still has no chin.
Midnight tonight might very well be the start of a strike by the city’s residential doormen. The last time they striked (struck?) was 1991. That strike lasted 12 days.
Will the wealthy have to open their own doors? Find out tomorrow!
Richard Simard was the liquor commissioner for the state of New Hampshire. He was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated, but refused to take a breath test. The governor called that “unacceptable” and removed Mr. Simard from his post.
Oh, South Carolina. Why can’t you be more like New Hampshire?
Some flights to Europe did, in fact, leave JFK yesterday. But there are still hundreds of passengers stranded at the airport.
I bet JFK smells horrible.
According to Page Six (today on page 10), Jersey Shore’s (herpes) breakout star, Snooki, has broken up with her boyfriend “after accusing him of using her for fame.” It seems she found out that he was trying to land a spot on The Real World, Snooki doubted his earlier claims that “he fell for [her] because of who she is.”
Which brings to mind that old Groucho quote about not wanting to belong to any club that would have him as a member.
A reporter asked Oprah if she would take a DNA test to find out of Nohr Robinson is her biological father.
Oprah’s response? “I will not be taking a paternity test, ever! Get out of my face!”
In an odd coincidence, her audience members at yesterday’s taping were all given free paternity tests.
125,000 tons of illegal knockoff threads (Nike, True Religion, Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier, Rocawear, etc.) are being sent to Haiti. Normally, the items would be destroyed, but Brooklyn DA Charles Hynes removed all of the fake labels and got the manufacturers of the legitimate goods to agree to the donation.
But is dressing Haitians like Jon Gosselin a good thing?
The “two top leaders” of al Qaeda in Iraq have been killed in a rocket attack.
Mission accomplished!
Kelsey Grammer’s wife, Camille, tells Cindy Adams, “He hated doing that TV show he did, Hank.”
And America hated watching it. Which is why they didn’t.
Rich Lowry’s How ‘Hope’ Destroyed America’s Trust does a fine job of explaining that “Obama has done more than anyone else during the last two years to destroy trust in Washington.”
Says an employee of Fox.
Sharon Osbourne is having her (34DD) breast implants removed this July. Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital last week due to complications with her implants. Have boob jobs jumped the shark? And if so, whycome no one told Kate Hudson?
If you stop by the Museum of Modern Art, you’ll see Marina Abramovic sitting at a table. And, if you like, you can sit across from her and stare at her for as long as you so desire. The exhibit is titled “The Artist Is Present.” She doesn’t eat or go to the bathroom. She just sits there. But is it art? Marina (and MoMA, apparently) says yes. If you disagree, you can swing by the museum and tell her so.
Just don’t expect a response.
Boxer Edwin Valero was accused of murdering his wife. Venezuelan police claim he confessed to the crime. Yesterday, Edwin used his clothes to hang himself in his jail cell.
Oh, other wife-murderers. Why can’t you be more like Edwin Valero?
Javier Vasquez (0-2, ERA 9.82) will take the mound tonight against the A’s in Oakland (10:05 p.m.). Let’s hope he’s improved. A lot.
On the plus side for Javier, A’s fans probably won’t boo him the way that Yankee fans have at home games.
We’re 9-3. Boston is 4-9.
(Possible) Congratulations to Rich Sommer and the rest of the Mad Men cast! Reports of their 2012/Season Six expiration date were a bit premature, apparently. Matthew Weiner didn’t say the show would end after the sixth season, but that that was as far as he had plotted the show thus far.
While this doesn’t mean that the show won’t end in 2012, it also doesn’t not mean that.
We’re enjoying Treme (it’s no The Wire, but it’s also no John from Cincinnati).
And on that note, I bid you adieu.
HAUL ASH
Jets set to defy volcano today
Test flights were sent into the giant cloud covering most of Europe and it was determined that “the volcanic ash in the sky didn’t harm jet engines.”
Therefore, airlines will try to start flying planes with passengers in them today. And while I sincerely hope that noting goes wrong, I can’t help but think this might be a mistake. Maybe it’s the hubris in today’s headline, maybe it’s my repeated exposure to the pettiness of the major airlines (and their mostly horrible employees) but I feel like this is being rushed. I hope I’m wrong.
The MTA will soon be removing 611 bus stops from their various routes (on the plus side, they’ll be adding 25 to accommodate their changes!).
Why can’t the Tea Party turn their attention to the MTA?
Mayor Bloomberg snubbed the Greek Independence Day Parade yesterday.
I guess he isn’t planning on running for a fourth term.
“Gov. Paterson’s high-speed rail effort ground to a screeching halt last week after the program’s chief quit in disgust amid claims of lies and chaos, the Post has learned. High-speed rail director Ann Purdue announced her resignation Tuesday in the wake of clashes with the administration over a sudden policy shift that ‘poisoned’ critical talks with CSX, the railroad that owns much of New York’s passenger track.”
Man… I really hope Paterson reconsiders running for re-election.
Radar Online reports that Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are headed for a divorce.
No one saw this coming. And by no one, I mean everyone.
Goldman Sachs decided not to tell its investors about the “impending enforcement action” that the government warned them they were taking nine months ago. This cost its investors an estimated $12,000,000,000. But so what? Goldman Sachs’ assets are estimated at $849,000,000,000. That’s why they can give $5,000,000,000 to their employees without a second thought.
Thank God the GOP is trying to derail the financial-reform bill. Regulation is for fags.
Despite all of my friends insisting that it’s the best movie currently playing, Kick-Ass opened at No. 2 this weekend. How to Train Your Dragon beat it by just $250,000 (so there’s still a slight chance that their positions will reverse when the final numbers are released today). The City of Your Final Destination made $22,000 in its opening weekend (it was only playing in one theater).
Bob Gorrell is responsible for the political cartoon on Page Six (today on page 10). It’s a smiling Obama holding an enormous gavel with “SUPREME COURT” written on it. The caption: BE AFRAID… BE VERY AFRAID!
Hilarious! And sound advice — that colored fella’s gonna put some Communist faggot on the court. Just you wait.
Remember Christopher Long? He’s the cyclist who was riding through Times Square two years ago when Officer Patrick Pogan shoved him off his bike. If it hadn’t been caught on tape, Pogan would still be a cop and no one would know Long’s name. But it was caught on tape (what isn’t these days?) which is why Long is now suing Pogan and the NYPD.
Pogan’s attorney was questioning prospective jurors yesterday. “Maybe you have a witness who likes to smoke pot. Would that affect his credibility? What if he brought a lawsuit for money? Would that be a factor in judging credibility?”
What about videotape of a cop assaulting someone on a bike without provocation? Would that be a factor?
American, Delta, United, US Air and JetBlue have all pledged to never charge their passengers for their carry-on bags. How noble.
Of course, they’ll make up that revenue by over-charging you for everything else.
TMZ is reporting that Shaquille O’Neal directed his 6-year-old son to tell his mother’s new boyfriend that “My daddy is going to kill you.”
I hope this helps the ratings of VH1’s latest reality TV show that has nothing to do with music, Basketball Wives (created by, executive-produced by and starring Shaquille’s ex-wife Shaunie).
Pope Benedict Arnold met with “a group of clerical sex-abuse victims” in Malta and shed Krokodiltränen.
Toyota has agreed to pay a $16,400,000 fine for hiding potentially fatal defects from their customers.
Toyota’s estimated value is over $200,000,000,000.
Shouldn’t there be some kind of formula that guarantees a company actually feels the sting of the fine they pay?
(I’m looking at you, Goldman Sachs)
Patricia O’Hanlon of the Bronx writes in to compain that “With the stroke of a pen, Obama has made certain that the America of tomorrow will be a second-rate power, dependent upon Russia and China in all matters pertaining to space.”
I’m afraid… I’m very afraid.
Full-page ad on page 26 for Fox News Channel.
It claims that, in March 2010, it had 2,350,000 viewers in the 8:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m. slot, which was more than CNBC (223,000), HLN (475,000), CNN (656,000) and MSNBC (801,000) combined.
Does this mean that they’ll stop referring to those channels as “the mainstream media”?
As their Australian megalomaniac owner would say, “Not bloody likely.”
The Yankees won again, sweeping their series against the Rangers. They are now tied with Tampa Bay (who are currently sweeping Boston) at 9-3.
Andy Pettitte (2-0) has an ERA of 1.35. AJ Burnett (2-0) has an ERA of 2.37. Sabathia (2-0) has an ERA of 2.84. Rivera (5 saves in 5 opportunites) has an ERA of 0.00.
Only 150 regular-season games to go!
Matt Weiner (creator of Mad Men) has announced that the show will end in 2012 with its sixth season.
Which destroys my hopes of a Mad Men/Welcome Back Kotter crossover.
Teresa is back at jury duty today. Will she be chosen? Will she be released? Only justice knows, and she’s blind and also a statue.
Happy Monday!
SATURDAY
* Goldman Sachs is being charged with fraud “for selling risky mortgage investments without disclosing that the securities were actually created by a client betting on them to fail.” Considering that Goldman Sachs is paying its employees over $5,000,000,000 in bonuses for three months of work, their penalty had better be remarkably significant.
* Mitch McConnell continues telling people that “this [financial-reform] bill allows for endless taxpayer bailouts of Wall Street and establishes new and unlimited regulatory powers that will stifle small businesses and community banks.” Even though that isn’t true. Wouldn’t it be great if politicians had to pay some kind of price for knowingly lying to the public?
* Norh Robinson, 84, “a dirt-poor Mississippi farmer now living in a rural VA hospital” claims that he’s Oprah Winfrey’s biological father. He claims that, years ago, he sent Oprah a letter begging her to agree to a DNA test. “I told her, if he wanted, I’d give her one. I never got no answer. I never did get no answer.” So he did get an answer! I wonder what it was.
* Matthew Clemens, 21, of Cherry Hill, New Jersey, was angry that his friend was ejected from the Phillies-Nationals game on Friday for “unruly behavior.” So he stuck his fingers down his throat and threw up on the off-duty police officer sitting in front of him — and his 11-year-old daughter. Then he punched him. Then he threw up on the arresting officer. Just another Friday in Philadelphia.
* Theodore Sypnier, 100, has molested children (some as young as 4 years old). After serving his not-long-enough sentence, he was paroled, but failed to attend his mandated sex-offender classes. So he was sentenced to another 18 months in prison for parole violation. He was released to a Buffalo halfway house last fall. Then he decided not to go to his mandated sex-offender classes again. He was just sentenced to another 2 years behind bars. Gee, I hope they can rehabilitate him this time.
* That volcano is wreaking havoc on air travel in Europe. What’s a traveller to do? Well, if you’re John Cleese and you have to get from Oslo to Brussels, you take a cab. The 932-mile/15-hour trip cost him $5,100. Pity the cabbie who then had to drive around Brussels looking for someone who wanted to go to Oslo.
* Page Six (today on page 11) claims that Josh Klausner wrote Date Night, “which opened No. 1 at the box office last week.” Not only is that sentiment grammatically incorrect (opened at No. 1, silly), but it’s also factually incorrect. Clash of the Titans made $1,425,610 more than Date Night. Oops.
* Harley Greenfield’s preliminary roadside Breathalyzer results are 0.06. Therefore, he was not “legally drunk.” Therefore, if his blood test results come back with less than an 0.08, he can only be charged with operating a motor vehicle while impaired by alcohol. Maximum sentence: 15 days in jail and a $500 fine.
* NY1’s defense against Adele Sammarco’s sexual-harassment suit? That she has “narcissistic personality disorder.” Case closed!
* Police have found yet another woman who claims that Ben Roethlisberger tried to forcibly have sex with her. Thank God the NFL is pursuing charges.
* Eric Massa’s former chief of staff, Joe Racalto, has filed a sexual-harassment suit against him. I think Joe might have a solid case.
* Rich Lowry’s AMERICAN PSYCHOS claims that everything the Tea Partiers are saying about Obama is no worse than what Howard Dean and Russell Feingold said about Bush. Rich Lowry is full of shit.
* Michelle Malkin’s Squelching the Bad News on ObamaCare includes this wonderful passage, “But medical professionals are already on notice that informing their patients that unwelcome change is coming will carry considerable risk. Dr. Jack Cassell, the urologist who posted a protest sign against the law at his office, still faces ethics probes at the behest of Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.)… Torquemada is waiting for a second wind.” Michelle Malkin is a truly despicable scumbag.
* Toyota is recalling 600,000 Sienna minivans because of “potential rusting spare tire cables.” In a related story, McDonald’s is now offering 200 shares of Toyota stock with every Value Meal purchase. Or drink purchase. Or if you ask nicely.
* NBC lost $223,000,000 on the Winter Olympics. Oops.
* Animal Planet has added The Bear Whisperer to their line-up. They also added The Skunk Whisperer. Neither of those statements is a joke.
LAST NIGHT
Yet another sold-out show, yet another hour of absolute joy. Thank you to everyone who came (and to the five amazing performers who shared the stage with me).
TODAY
This is just one of the Post’s photos of what’s going on at Eyjafjallajokull. It’s pretty incredible.
Also incredible is what’s going on at JFK Airport. Apparently, among the hundreds of stranded tourists, there are some scammers that have started offering a cab ride to hotels that have available rooms for the low, low price of $55. Once the travelers arrive at a hotel, they find out that there are no rooms available and it costs them almost as much money to return to the airport.
This is going to do wonders for tourism.
Tina Traster gets all of page 7 for I LIVED MOM’S ADOPTION PAIN, which basically says, “I also adopted a Russian child, but I’m a better person than that other lady because I tried harder and now my daughter isn’t crazy anymore.”
And, obviously, a violent girl is just as difficult to deal with as a violent boy.
OTB got a last-minute reprieve. It was supposed to shut down entirely today, but will instead “open 600 ‘quick bet’ kiosks in sports bars, close two-thirds of the city’s 65 OTB parlors within a year and eventually lay off half of its 1,300-person staff.”
Toothless drunks of New York City, rejoice!
Michael Goodwin is a conundrum wrapped in an enigma, stuffed inside a puzzle, and riddled with hypocrisy. The same idiot that consistently insists that the mainstream media unfairly paints Tea Party members as racist loons opens up his (alleged) mailbag today to share the rantings of his critics. “I told u before, when u were in Israel, stay there,” writes one. “…most Americans do not like the Jew people,” writes another. “Cant wait for you to die from old age, maybe cancer,” writes someone else.
“The three letters came to me in response to different columns, but the writers share two distinct views. They support President Obama’s hard-line policy toward Israel and they are anti-Semites,” explains Mr. Goodwin. He later adds, “Most of the critical reaction I get when I fault Obama’s policies is anti-Semitic.”
“Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who seem to delight in humiliating the Israeli prime minister, ought to be careful what they sow in fertile and dangerous minds. After all, they are, broadly speaking, responsible for their supporters.”
When Tea Partiers threaten the lives of Democratic politicians that’s just dissent. But when Michael Goodwin gets hate mail, it’s because Obama and Clinton hate Israel and they’re encouraging anti-Semitism.
I have to agree with his third critic. I, too, can’t wait for Goodwin to die (or, at the very least, shut up).
Page Six (today on page 12) asks Was Conan welcome faked?
“In fact, [George] Lopez was warned by network chiefs he would be axed if he didn’t welcome Conan with open arms. ‘George was initially opposed to the idea of moving his time slot to make room for Conan on TBS,’ said a source.”
Reps for TBS and Lopez deny these allegations. But why would a nameless source lie?
Cindy Adams offers advice that is almost guaranteed to get you severely beaten.
“Have to stand on a long line to purchase tickets to a theatrical event? Take a cane along. Look and act annoyed. Realize people with canes are always allowed to the front of the line. Hobble your way to the window at the box office.”
B’also? “Just as you’re ready to sneak in, walk up and down the line so it looks like you’ve been there before. When you reach the spot you want to take, look up at something. Odds are the people will look up, too, and be distracted.”
“At least,” she meant to add, “that’s how they do it on Tom & Jerry.”
Nicolas Cage has commissioned a 9-foot pyramid-shaped mausoleum in New Orleans’ St. Louis Cemetery No. 1 to be his final resting place.
I can’t imagine why his houses keep getting foreclosed.
Robert Morales, 50, tried to kill his parole officer on Thursday night. Morales was sentenced to 25 years to life in 1979 for setting fire to a building (where he thought two people who owed him $2 lived) that resulted in the death of an 8-year-old. He was released in 2002 after telling the parole board, “I did a lot of foolish things. I’m not foolish no more.”
But he didn’t like how strict his parole officer was, so he tried to shoot him in the face — at point blank range — but ended up only hitting him in the shoulder. Said Morales, “I’m just sorry he’s not dead.”
Someone needs to show Mr. Morales the actual definition of the word foolish.
Pam Grier has (co-)written her autobiography. And in it, we learn such interesting tidbits as this one: “During a routine doctor visit, actress Pam Grier was stunned when her physician sat her down for a serious talk about a bizarre and dangerous epidemic that was rocking the nether regions of women in Hollywood — a buildup of cocaine residue. The doc asked if she was doing drugs and she said no. Then perhaps her partner might be sneaking off for a quick pre-coitus snort? ‘That’s a possibility,’ she said. ‘I am dating Richard Pryor.’”
She was also dating Lew Alcindor whe he changed his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and became Islamic. He wanted to marry her, but only if she became Islamic, too. She declined. She also dated Freddie Prinze, but couldn’t deal with his constant drug use. She also met Federico Fellini when she almost died shooting a scene on horseback in Rome. He “helped her up, invited her to lunch, and, as he taught her to cook Italian red sauce, unsuccessfully tried to convince her to move to Italy to become his leading lady.”
Can you imagine what might have been? Friday Foster e Fred? La Dolce Black Mama? Amarcoffy?
ASK ASHLEY!
Why did you decide to pose for Playboy after all this time? — Lynn, Upper West Side
ASHLEY: “I spent the last two years trying to be known as anything other than a prostitute. You might find this shocking, but it’s kind of hard to live down… The truth is, I have never been ashamed of my sexuality. It’s who I am — for better or worse. That said, I sincerely regret my former profession. That goes without saying.”
ME: “Beats work. That said, her music career never really took off, which goes without saying.”
My wife needs to use lubrication a lot when we have sex. Am I not turning her on? — Doug, 36, Williamsburg
ASHLEY: “God no! Lube is the best invention ever! In fact, most of the time I can’t have an orgasm without it. That said, I totally understand how this would make you question your ability to turn her on. If we’ve learned anything in sex ed, it’s that natural moistness means horniness! But I assure you, her lack of liquidity has nothing to do with you.”
ME: “Unlike the prostitute, I’m unable to assume that ‘it has nothing to do with you.’ In fact, you say that she ‘needs to use lubrication a lot when we have sex’ and not ‘before we have sex.’ That leads me to believe that she has to stop and re-apply at various intervals. Which leads me to believe that you are a horrible lay.”
BONUS QUESTION ONLY AVAILABLE ONLINE!
I had insane IM chemistry with a guy I met on a dating site. We were both really excited to meet each other, but then he canceled. We made plans to talk on the phone, but it never happened. In fact, he disappeared — for three weeks! Eventually, he popped up online and apologized profusely. He said he unexpectedly reconnected with an ex, but wasn’t sure what to make of their situation. Clearly confused, he asked if I’d consider going out with him. Am I a total sucker for wanting to say yes? — Clara, 31, East Village
ASHLEY: “Us women are suckers period. It’s in our nature.”
ME: “I agree with the prostitute. All women can’t help but be suckers. Where’s my advice column?”
According to How to say ‘ass’ in Na’vi, the Na’vi translation of “Don’t be a moron” is “Don’t be a skxawng.”
I still haven’t seen Avatar, but I’m pretty sure 75% of that translation is incorrect.
V.A. Musetto recommends that you go see I Am Curious (Yellow) at Lincoln Center.
Of course he does.
The Yankees won on Friday (5-1 in a 6-inning game) and again yesterday (7-3). That makes them 8-3 (.727) and the AL East leaders.
As I write this, they’re playing the Rangers and leading 5-2 in the 8th (and Pettitte’s still pitching!).
Meanwhile, the Mets played a 20-inning game last night (it lasted just 7 minutes shy of 7 hours) and won 2-1. They got their second hit of the game in the 12th inning. 652 pitches were thrown (341 by the Mets). The first run of the game was scored in the top of the 19th inning by the Mets, but the Cardinals scored a run in the bottom of the 19th.
I wonder if umpire Joe West is going to complain about how long the game took.
The end. See you bright and early tomorrow!
Today’s cover features Robinson Cano (Cano’s 2 HRs power Yanks) and a gigantic plume of smoke and ash from an Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull — the Post doesn’t name it so I found the name on Google), which has disrupted European air travel “in a nightmare that could last for weeks” (FLY TRAP: Air chaos as volcano ash grounds jets). I’ll get to the (triumphant!) Yankees later; here are some highlights from the volcano story:
* Over 100 flights to and from Kennedy and Newark have been cancelled (including ALL flights to Great Britain and Ireland).
* All UK airports are closed (affecting over 300,000 travellers).
* The airspace over France, Belgium, Germany, Scandinavia and Ireland is closed (affecting over 1,000,000 travellers).
* “Air travel could be shut down for days or even weeks until the cloud of volcanic ash, mostly invisible, dissipates.”
As if there wasn’t enough irony surrounding the recent Polish tragedy.
Mayor Bloomberg was asked if those “art exhibit” statues (that are fooling people into calling 911 to save the lives of seemingly suicidal people who aren’t actually people) should be taken down. His answer? “No. It’s a great exhibition.”
Case closed!
“Governor” Paterson’s wife works for EmblemHealth Systems (they’re a health-insurance company). In 2009, she got a 40% pay raise.
It’s too bad her husband isn’t running for re-election. This is the kind of thing that endears you to voters.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art has been the home of “St. John the Baptist Bearing Witness,” since they bought it for $150,000 in 1970. But their former chairman of European painting (Everett Fahy) now claims that the painting isn’t the work of Francesco Granacci, but Michelangelo. Which raises the painting’s value to roughly $300,000,000 (give or take).
When asked for a definitive answer as to whether the painting is, in fact, Michelangelo’s, Fahy’s replacement, Keith Christiansen, replied, “I don’t do yes or no.”
Case closed!
Ben Roethlisberger will not be prosecuted for the alleged rape of a 20-year-old in a Georgia nightclub. Which you’d think would mean that the matter was settled. Nope.
The Steelers will be disciplining him after the NFL draft and the Post (Big Ben relied on ‘blockers’ — on page 7!) is printing the accusations of the alleged victim’s friends (from court documents that were just released). They claim that Ben’s bodyguards “dragged” the “extremely intoxicated” victim “to the back room” and then blocked the entrance so that no one could interrupt.
So… the courts decided not to charge him with anything, but the NFL will? Anyone else find that really weird?
Rep. Gregory Meeks? You got served!
A subpoena in the NOAH-F case.
Wouldn’t it be great if he actually had to face some consequences for his actions?
More good news!
Those “rubber rooms” that teachers sleep in (for full pay) while they are (very slowly) being investigated for various misdeeds are being shut down. And, according to Joel Klein, “Those brought up on the most egregious charges — violent felony offenses or sexual misconduct, for example — will be sent home without pay until their cases are decided.”
I love the sound that the closing of a loophole makes.
The Dog Court kids never fail to make me feel ancient. None of them have ever seen the Polly-O String Cheese commercial where one pizzeria guy tells the other, “Hey, Jimmy! Gimme a cheese with nothin’!” and Jimmy makes a mushy face and says, “Nuh-ihn?”
CEO IN ‘DWI SLAY’ informs us that the CEO of Jennifer Convertibles (Harley Greenfield, 65) had some drinks and then drove his Chevrolet Cobalt into Mohammed Rohman, 45, on the Whitestone Expressway last night. Rohman was then run over by an Audi. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Greenfield told cops that he had “one glass of vodka and a glass of wine” which explained his “slurred speech and glassy eyes.” He took a portable Breathalyzer test (results not yet released) but once at the station, he refused to take a regular one.
What does this have to do with my old age? I was 12 when Robert Chambers (“The Preppie Killer”) killed Jennifer Levin, and I still remember that Jennifer Convertibles had to pull their TV ad campaign because the lead male actor looked almost exactly like Chambers.
I couldn’t find those Jennifer Convertible ads, but I did find this one:
Anastasia Juncu gave birth to her daughter Abigail just before dawn yesterday at 4:58 a.m.
Abigail is St. Vincent’s Hospital’s final newborn (dunnuh-nuuuuh-nuuuh, dunnuh nuh-nuh-nuuuuh).
“The birth had to be induced because Abigail was well past her due date — and technically, the hospital’s deadline was Wednesday.”
Though not necessarily in that order.
John Swain, 72, admitted arsonist of Bryant Park’s shoeshine stands has been released without posting bail. And he’s shining shoes at Grand Central Terminal.
The lesson here? Setting fire to your competition is never a bad idea.
A Spanish study has concluded that “dark chocolate lowers blood pressure and reduces damage to blood vessels in people with cirrhosis” and “antioxidants also improve circulation in the obese and ward off heart disease in smokers.”
That’s why 4 put of 5 obese smokers with cirrhosis choose…
(seriously, though, they’re delicious)
NY is Tea Party country claims that “a diverse crowd of thousands” took part in yesterday’s “jampacked Tea Party protests.”
Is it worth pointing out that the accompanying photo is of one swarthy balding man surrounded by an ocean of White women?
Churley Hurt decides that Obama went to NASA yesterday because he’s Marie Antoinette ($paced out prez flees DC masses).
“In a modern twist of French fancy and Habsburg haughtiness, President Obama yesterday skipped town on thousands of tapped-out, ticked-off taxpayers, telling them instead he will send them to Mars.”
I wonder if Obama could have done anything yesterday that Churley wouldn’t have criticized. Naaaaaaah.
Remember Officer Nelson Robles? He’s the guy whose police car got stolen in January when he went into a diner.
He was in court on Wednesday to testify in a drunk driving case. While there, he took the opportunity to steal a laptop.
New York’s finest.
According to Page Six (today on page 26[!]), Kiefer Sutherland was ejected from a London strip club by four large bodyguards yesterday for being “drunk, disorderly and shirtless.”
I like to think that last thing he said before the door closed behind them was, “Do you know who I am? I was Bron in The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration! And Bosco in Marmaduke, opening this June in theaters everywhere! Do you hear me? EVERYWHERE!!!”
Lindsay Lohan has announced that she will be playing Linda Lovelace (star of Deep Throat) in the upcoming biopic Lovelace. You know who was most surprised by that announcement? The co-directors of Lovelace who say that they have absolutely not offered Lohan the part.
But cut her some slack. Her ex-personal assistant is her new step-mother.
Paris Hilton dumped her boyfriend of two years because he was “hungry for fame.”
Black pot, meet black kettle. Black kettle, meet black pot.
David Ortiz opened a nightclub in the Dominican Republic last year called Forty-Forty. Jay-Z owns a chain of nightclubs called 40/40. “40/40″ refers to the number of home runs/stolen bases that only a few ballplayers have ever achieved in a single season.
Jay-Z is suing Big Papi. And considering David Ortiz has 10 stolen bases in his 14-year career, I think Mr. Z has a solid case.
The “exhibit” at MoMA where patrons squeeze between two naked models has led to a number of guests being asked to leave. Apparently, some folks were getting “too grabby.”
No one said being art would be easy, kids.
Over on page 37, Pope’s ‘repent’ call over abuse is sufficiently buried at the bottom of the page. And just what did the Pope say?
“I must say, we Christians, even in recent times, have often avoided the word ‘repent,’ which seemed too tough. But now, under attack from the world, which has been telling us about our sins… we realize that it’s necessary to repent.”
Once again, it is the Catholic Church who is the true victim. Classy.
Bill O’Reilly’s Talking Race With the Sharpton Crowd defends Newt Gingrich, who was quoted at a Republican gathering as saying, “What we need is a president, not an athlete. Shooting three point shots may be clever, but it doesn’t put anybody to work.” O’Reilly (who only references the quote; he doesn’t provide it — thanks again, Google!) insists that finding any semblence of racism in Newt’s statement is “insane.”
Case closed!
Kudos to the Post (seriously) for allowing Chuck Schumer to run his editorial SAVING WALL STREET FROM ITSELF. They’ve been raking him over the coals recently for daring to be in favor of financial reform. Not sure that his (calm, logical) piece will sway any of the Post’s readers, but it’s refreshing to see the opposition being given a voice (even if it appears underneath Dick Morris & Eileen McGann’s attack of Kirsten Gillibrand, Chameleon on Plaid).
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives Kick-Ass three and a half stars (“a hybrid of Watchmen and Superbad filtered through John Woo”), three stars to both Exit Through the Gift Shop (“funny and wonderfully misshapen conversation piece”) and Handsome Harry (“sadly affecting drama”), and three and a half stars to The Cartel (“heartbreaking documentary”).
Lou Lumenick gives two stars to Death at a Funeral (“Far from buried treasure”), one and a half stars to The Joneses (“Not much of a jones for this phoniness”), three stars to The Perfect Game (“Winning family fare.”), and two stars to The City of Your Final Destination (“Genteel trip but few attractions”).
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to No One Knows About Persian Cats (which is weird because there’s no nudity… I guess that means this is a really good movie!), two stars to Nobody’s Perfect (it has nudity, but it’s of the Thalidomide babies of the late 50s posing nude for an art piece — Musetto’s a perv, but he isn’t a deranged perv) and three stars to The Secret in Their Eyes (“Scenes of her violated, nude body might be difficult for some viewers to take but are essential to the story.”) I’d like to retract my earlier defense of Mr. Musetto.
Pete Hammond calls The Square “A riveting thriller with unexpected twists and turns that will have you reeling.”
The Yankees won last night (thanks in part to Cano’s two dingers, Jeter’s one, and Hughes’ solid outing). That makes us 6-3. Boston is 4-5, and the Astros (and Orioles) are 1-8.
Chan Ho Park is the first Yankee to get injured this season (I owe you a dollar, Nick Johnson!), complaining of pain in his right hamstring.
Sabathia will pitch tonight against Texas.
I loves me some baseball.
Linda Stasi calls ABC Family’s new movie Beauty and the Briefcase “silly” and “cute” and “mindless” and “SATC reformatted for teens and young women who were too young to have actually watched Sex and the City the first time around — but miss it nonetheless. Got it? Good.”
Her rating? (all together now)
Three stars.
Are American Idol’s producers in negotiations with Paula Abdul for her to return to her old gig?
Does anyone even care any more?
TBS might be renting out the studio where Conan O’Brien taped The Tonight Show for his new TBS show.
Considering that NBC spent a reported $50,000,000 to renovate the studio, it makes business sense to recoup some of that (grotesque) expense in rent.
Which is why NBC will probably say no. And then give it to Jay Leno to house some of his old-timey car collection.
The weekend is upon us! And if you’re not doing anything tomorrow night and want to see some solid improvisational comedy, swing by the UCB at 7:30 (p.m.) for Let’s Have A Ball! It’ll be Gausas, Adsit, Sagher, Drysdale, King and me! You can’t lose!
I was in Burger King recently and saw something that bears repeating. They are currently running a promotion wherein the customer can buy two of their original chicken sandwiches for $4.00 (plus tax). But, the sign points out, you have to buy two in order to get the reduced price. If you buy just one, it’s the regular price: $4.19 (plus tax).
So if you only want one sandwich, it’s cheaper to buy two and throw one away.
(waves miniature American flag)
By the way, the White House has pointed out that the Global Nuclear Summit’s logo wasn’t based on a crescent moon, but this:
But don’t let that stop you from making comparisons to the flags of Muslim nations, Fox News — it boils the blood of the ignorant, brings us one step closer to (more) domestic terrorism and helps keeps Sarah Palin waist-deep in bendable straws.
The best way to look at today’s front page is quickly. That way, you’ll see the headline (JUMP, DUMMY! Empire State leaper wastes NYPD time) and the photo of the naked man standing on the ledge of the Empire State Building and you’ll think, “The Post has finally stops disguising their evil bloodlust!” But, alas, it wasn’t a man that the Post was encouraging to commit suicide. It was just one of those metal statues that are all over the city (as part of the “Event Horizon” art installation). Oh, well. There’s always tomorrow.
Twitter is donating its “archive of tweets” — dating back to 2006 — to the Library of Congress. Which means that the recent Aimee Mann/Ice T feud will be preserved for future generations!
(For those who haven’t heard, Aimee posted, “Christ, there is no reason in the world anyone should ever have cast Ice T in a television show.” Ice T responded, “Hey @aimeemann stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time … Eat a hot bowl of Dicks!”)
Larry King, 76, is getting his 8th divorce. His current wife (Shawn Southwick, 50) has accused Larry of having an affair with her sister, Shannon Engemann, 46. This makes no sense to me; I can barely look at King when he’s fully clothed.
The NFL is being sued by Jets season-ticket holder Carl Mayer. He argues that Bill Belichick’s video-taping of the Jets’ signals during a game in 2007 violated the “contractul expectations and rights” of fans to see a fair game (the NFL fined Belichick $500,000 and the Patriots $250,000). During oral arguments before federal appeals judges, NFL lawyer Shep Goldfein offered their defense: “We’re not shocked, and neither were the fans shocked that these things occurred. Every spectator that goes to a game expects there will be rules infractions.”
Judge Robert Cowen asked, “Do you think someone would pay that kind of money [for tickets] if they knew in advance it wasn’t a fair game?”
Goldfein’s response: “Given what I know about professional sports — yes.”
Belichick’s lawyer added, “We have no duty to Jets fans.”
Mayer’s suit was dismissed by a judge in 2009, but given the level of obnoxiousness of the defense attorneys, it has a good chance of being resurrected.
Is Elin Nordegren filing for a divorce from Tiger Woods? Maybe!
I’m shocked!
Mandrea.
She hates on the lady that returned her adopted son from/to Russia (Outrageous foster fiend), Oprah (Bugged by reality which ends, “Scratch Oprah’s shiny surface, and glimpse a big, fat phony.”), Conan O’Brien (Coco push & shove which discusses O’Brien’s move to TBS and ends, “Will he please shut up now?”), people who don’t believe the Tea Party is the dominant political party in America (Tax revolt fits NYers to a ‘Tea’ which includes the gem, “They’ve been dubbed rednecks, racists, terrorists and fringe freaks of the KKK. Scary. Well, Tea Partiers are soon to be called something altogether different: The majority.”), the people who award the Pulitzers (FULL OF ‘BULL’ITZER) and the folks who ranked 9iu11ani as the second-best NYC mayor of the last 30 years (Mike #1? Poll-ease! featuring, “Rudy Giuliani took a city long deemed ‘ungovernable’ and achieved the impossible… Forget polls. We know the truth.”).
Why so angry, ugly?
Yankees fan and Iraqi war vet John Stone, 38, saw a woman choking in the stands at yesterday’s game and performed the Heimlich maneuver on her, saving her life. When the Yankees found out what he had done, they upgraded him to a front row seat.
Sadly, the Yankees lost.
According to Page Six (today on page 20), Rufus Wainwright told Details magazine, “I love, love 50 Cent. I think he’s just the sexiest, and a brilliant writer. And I know he’s gay. That cute little voice of his. It’s OK, 50 Cent. Feel free to call me anytime.”
At the time of this posting, Wainwright was still alive. But that should change very very soon.
Did Kate Hudson get breast augmentation? Page Six and Us Weekly think so!
Cindy Adams (and MTV’s Tony DiSanto) insist that the Jersey Shore cast was never supposed to spend more than “a short time” in Miami. Then Cindy goes into her syphilitic death throes. “Unless some insane bolt from above turns 4-foot-9 Snooki into a heavy-duty actress like Meryl Streep or Mike ‘The Situation’, [sic] abs and all, is suddenly summoned to Albany because some nitwit figures he alone can straighten out the budget, they’ll marry their types. It’s what they want.”
Anything else, crazy?
“Listen, men are from Earth; women are from Earth — deal with it.”
Box.
The aptly-named “rape-slayer” Darryl Durr is scheduled to die by lethal injection in Ohio next week. He is now claiming that he is allergic to anesthesia and therefore can’t be executed that way; it would interfere with his “constitutional right to a quick and painless execution.”
How about a shotgun blast to the face? Would that be quick enough, Durr?
They finally caught the guy who set fire to the Bryant Park shoeshine stands (twice in two weeks!). John Swain, 72, used to work the stands, but claims he was told by the other people working there that “[Bryant Park Corp. President Daniel] Biederman didn’t want him to.” So he tried to burn the stands down. Twice.
He now shines shoes at Grand Central Terminal (at least, he did before he confessed to the double-arson).
To be fair, though, the soot and ash actually make for a denser shine.
I had to fucking jinx it, didn’t I.
Michelle Malkin’s Snakes Crash the Tea Party blames all racist signs at Tea Party rallies. Her proof? That Jason Levin has started a “Crash the Tea Party” campaign that encourages people to go to their rallies today and “act on behalf of the Tea Party in ways which exaggerate their least appealing qualities” and “damage the public’s opinion of them.”
So all of those misspelled signs with Obama as Hitler from a year ago? Jason Levin did that. With his time machine.
New MTA chief Jay H. Walder’s SQUEEZING EVERY DIME AT THE MTA asks straphangers to have compassion for him. It begins, “This isn’t exactly what I signed up for.” He later adds, “Deficit reduction wasn’t what I had in mind when I accepted this job.”
Consider my faith in the system restored.
Citigroup stock is now at $4.93/share.
12-70 (14.6%) is the final tally for the Nets’ 2010 season.
Not the worst of all time, but damned close.
Vasquez took the loss yesterday. The good news is that his ERA is down to 9.82!
Sigh. Let’s hope Phil Hughes’ debut tonight is more auspicious.
In other MLB news, the Houston Astros are now 0-8.
Teresa is in court today, finding out if she has to serve on a jury.
Pray for her.
Happy Thursday!
I spent almost an hour on line at the post office. When I finally made it to a window, I asked the giant dreadlocked man behind the bulletproof glass how to go about affixing my Registered Mail thingies to the various envelopes I was mailing. He mumbled something about how if there’s more than one envelope then he won’t help (he chuckled, mumbled something else about the IRS, and then mumbled/explained [mumblained?] that if something goes wrong I have no one to blame but myself because he didn’t help me do anything). It turned into an old comedy routine. He wouldn’t tell me what to do, but if I started to apply the label incorrectly, he’d say, “Not like that.” and would repeat it until I (assume/hope I) got it right.
I wanted to raise my voice and tell him that, since there are no actual instructions for doing what I was doing, it was kinda/sorta his job to walk me through the process. I wanted to tell him that he was a jerk. I wanted to interrupt his story about how he was getting a huge refund this year thanks to his cushy government job. But I also wanted my tax returns to make it to where they had to go. So I just smiled and nodded. Even after I noticed the mountain of Red Sox paraphernalia in his see-thru cubicle.
But now that (hopefully) my taxes are en route to their final destinations, let me say now what I couldn’t say yesterday: “I don’t care about your life, jerk. Now shut up and mail these for me. And then fall down some stairs.”
As penance for my dark thoughts, I am watching Blood Harvest. It is a horror movie from 1987. Starring Tiny Tim. And Peter Krause.
It is awful.
State employee took every Friday off for 17 years is today’s front page story (next to a photo of A-Rod getting his World Series ring). The follow-up on page 4 is less than a quarter of a page and tells the story of Howard Dean (not that one), a retired food-services director who “fleeced the state treasury out of nearly $500,000″ by taking 17 years’ worth of three-day weekends (but filling out time cards that had him working five-day weeks). I can’t believe the Post didn’t use his name in the headline.
Consumer Reports listed the 2010 Lexus GX 460 as a “don’t buy” because “it is dangerously prone to careening out of control.” So Toyota (remember them?) has taken it off the market.
I give the MTA a week before they sign a contract with Toyota to provide new buses.
A 2-year-old was left on a parked school bus yesterday for two hours. The driver didn’t notice he was still on board and the school that the boy was going to didn’t notice that he never arrived. Luckily, a dog walker heard him crying and rescued him.
The name of the bus company? Smart Pick Inc.
That’s really the name of the company, but it isn’t one.
A taxicab burst into flames on 27th Street and Ninth Avenue yesterday, just as a school (P.S. 33) was letting out across the street. No one was hurt.
And speaking of smoldering wrecks, Blood Harvest is really, really terrible.
Brian Fiore, 39, leaped to his death from the 42nd floor of the Le Parker Meridien on West 56th Street yesterday morning. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim were waiting for their bus to Yankee Stadium when it happened and many of them saw it happen.
And speaking of tragedy, Tiny Tim was a terrible… everything.
“Who do you think has been the best mayor in the last 30 years?” is what a recent Marist Poll asked 602 New Yorkers.
9% said David Dinkins and 15% said Ed Koch. Bloomberg was the winner with 38%, beating 9iu11ani’s 31%.
I wonder what percentage of the people who voted for Dinkins misunderstood the question.
Michael Goodwin, scumbag.
NOW HE’S A CRESCENT LOON begins, “The first time I saw the swirling logo for the Nuclear Security Summit, it looked familiar. I soon figured out what it reminded me of: a crescent moon. The kind of crescent moon you see on the flags of Muslim countries. Indeed, the crescent, often with a single or multiple stars, is the main symbol of Islam. So now there is something like it at an official presidential event, prominently displayed in photographs being beamed around the world. No, I am not suggesting President Obama is a secret Muslim. But I am certain the crescent-like design of the logo is not a coincidence.”
Right! Because you can’t have a crescent moon logo unless you’re making a reference to Islam.
I mean, that’s obvious.
And if you disagree, you’re probably a secret Muslim.
Shame on you, Mike.
Page Six (today on page 12) claims that Eliot Spitzer spent $100,000 on escorts from The Emperors Club.
I wonder how much of that went to Ashley Dupre.
Alex Rodriguez’s new girlfriend? Cameron Diaz.
Great ballplayer, horrible taste in women.
Tom Selleck is shooting a pilot for a CBS cop show called Reagan’s Law.
I’m assuming Selleck plays Bonzo.
Oh, thank God. Blood Harvest leaves the door open for a sequel.
Cindy Adams gets political!
“I’m hearing McDonald’s now has an Obama Special. Order whatever you want, and the person behind you pays for it.”
Box.
Steven Seagal is being accused of keeping sex slaves.
Is he above the law? Hard to kill? On dangerous ground?
Alejandro Bulaevsky, 26, was found dead in his apartment. He was wearing “a knee-length black latex suit and a gas mask and handcuffed from behind.”
Most surprising is the fact that Bulaevsky was a lighting designer and not a high-ranking member of the GOP or the Catholic Church.
Remember Carmen Huertas? She drove drunk with seven girls in her car and crashed, killing one of them?
She’s working on a plea deal (to spare the survivors from testifying). Manslaughter. Five to fifteen years.
Boo.
On the bottom of page 23 (in a three sentence mini-article titled Sarah’s doin’ the diva bit), we learn that Sarah Palin’s contract rider for a speech at California State University insisted on “a rock-star list of demands” including “bendable drinking straws” and a ride on “a Lear 60 or larger” private plane.
She’s just like you, Mr. and Mrs. Real America. You betcha.
Jonah Goldberg’s ‘Empathy’: Just a Code Word for Bias is kind of like Glenn Beck’s call to abandon any church that preaches “social justice.”
“The empathy-for-the-little-guy standard is simply a Trojan horse for an approach just as abstract as any endorsed by the right.”
“Unless the plight of every gay, black, poor, old or disabled American is the same, then coming into court favoring a specific category of human being is nothing more than state-sanctioned prejudice.”
So… Supreme Court Justices shouldn’t have empathy because not all, say, gay people suffer equally?
Sigh.
I just realized — I haven’t seen Michelle Malkin in a while.
Yay!
“Wal-Mart, despite launching an aggressive marketing campaign this month touting its price cuts, or ‘rollbacks,’ on supermarket items, has actually raised its prices on food by 2.3% since February, according to a new study by JPMorgan Securities.”
Stop. Shopping. At Wal-Mart.
I turned down tickets to The Lion King on Broadway. And The Producers. And Spamalot.
I don’t enjoy musical theater much (especially if it’s based on a movie I like). But I have just discovered the Broadway musical that may well change my mind: The Book of Mormon. The authors are Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park fame. Yes, please.
Javier Vasquez has an ERA of 12.71 this season. He takes the mound today against Piniero (ERA 4.50).
Yesterday’s game was a slaughter… until the ninth inning. The Yankees were up 7-1 when David Robertson started pitching. One Bobby Abreu grand slam later, it was 7-5. Rivera took over and got the save.
It was great to see the Yankees’ (pre-game) love for Matsui and the crowd’s standing ovation for Gene Monahan.
We’re 5-2!
Doctors are warning that 3D TV may be hazardous to your health. And Samsung’s Web site warns that “pregnant women, the elderly, sufferers of serious medical conditions, those who are sleep deprived or under the influence of alcohol should avoid utilizing the unit’s 3D functionality.”
Pregnant women? Really? Yikes.
And that’s Wednesday. See you tomorrow, y’all.
The back page of the Post is devoted to sports. Today’s headline is BLING IT ON! in honor of the Yankees’ first home game of the season. They’re playing the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California Which Is Actually A Different City Than Los Angeles, California (LAAoACWIAADCTLAC), which is where Hideki Matsui was traded after winning the World Series MVP award last season. When I saw the headline, my first thought was, “I know he’s not on our team anymore, but there’s no need to mock his accent.”
Turns out the reference wasn’t to Hideki’s pronounciation of the letter r, but rather to the World Series rings that the Yankees will be given before the game. Pettitte will pitch. The game starts at 1:05. Hooray for baseball!
Over on the front page, STREET FIGHT: Mike socks bank-bashin’ Congress tells of Mayor Bloomberg’s defense of Wall Street (he says new regulations will bankrupt some of the companies that were responsible for bankrupting millions of Americans and, for some weird reason, I can’t bring myself to care) and New book bombshell: OPRAH’S SECRETS & LIES gives readers a preview of Kitty Kelley’s new biography (“Winfrey concocted stories about sexual abuse she suffered as a child — and grossly exaggerated the poverty she was brought up in.” and “Winfrey sold her body to earn extra money and has even described herself as a teen ‘prostitute.’”). Also, says the book, Oprah used to date (and have sex with!) John Tesh. Which might also explain why she’s now gay.
Poor Carl Paladino.
Just when it looked like the Tea Party-backed candidate in New York’s upcoming gubernatorial was starting to gain momentum (sarc mark), WNYmedia.net has uncovered a wealth of e-mails that Mr. Paladino (who’s running on coservative and family values, natch) has sent or forwarded to friends and co-workers in recent months. Most of them are racist and pornographic and the opposite of clever. This one is my favorite:
I don’t really grok how this is a joke (beyond “Black people are about to get killed! LOL!”). But to hear Paladino tell it, he isn’t a racist. As he responded to the recipient of a forwarded video of an African tribesman dancing (titled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal”), “i’m not sensitive to ethnic humor. dago, spic, polack whatever we hear the humor everyday. i think the oversensitivity to black/white is wrong and in itself demeaning.”
Oh! Now I get it! “run niggers, run” is a satiric jab at political correctness! Well played, Carl!
Half of page 3 is devoted to An eyeful of T&Ashley, a full-color “teaser” for Ashley Dupre’s impending Playboy spread. It seems like only January when she (again) told the Post that she would never pose for a dirty magazine.
That’s why you should never trust a prostitute.
Congratulations to Ed Bruns, 46, of Wyoming! Ed got 1,501 piercings in a five-hour session on Saturday, beating the previous world record by 304. “Afterward, Bruns kept only one of the piercings, a small barbell on the back of his head.”
I like closing my eyes and imaging what that looks like.
Frankie Valli is suing former members of the Jersey Boys cast for touring with The Boys In Concert, which he claims “steals songs, stage elements and copyrighted logos to dupe patrons into thinking it’s an ‘authorized road company.’”
Just imagine how angry those audience members will be when they find out that the people pretending to be famous singers aren’t the officially authorized people pretending to be famous singers and that they never had permission to use those logos.
Senator Orrin Hatch (R – Utah) started spreading the rumor that Hillary Clinton might could be the next Supreme Court Justice. The White House has immediately refuted Hatch’s odd prediction.
In a related story, Senator Chuck Grassley (R – Iowa) used Twitter to proclaim, “Considering CBO analysis of Obama Budget tripling natl debt the Pres is ‘greece-ing’ the slide to American mediocrity. Awake my colleagues.”
I’m pretty sure he meant, “Awake, my colleagues.” Or possibly, “I am a tool.”
Sigourney Weaver on why Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director at this year’s Oscars: “Jim [Cameron] didn’t have breasts, and I think that was the reason. He should have taken home that Oscar.”
Yet another reason I’m glad to have not seen Avatar.
Jon Voight went on Fox News over the weekend to warn people about “the greatest lie” being “orchestrated… President Obama has been cleverly trained in the Alinsky Method… a socialistic, Marxist teaching with which little by little, he rapes our nation.”
I can’t imagine why his daughter wants nothing to do with him. And I look forward to never seeing another movie he’s in.
Page Six (today on page 10) reports that Paris Hilton and whoever she’s been dating might be breaking up. Better stock up on penicillin just in case.
Adam Clayton Powell IV (not his birth name) announced yesterday that he will be running against Charlie Rangel. Let the battle between the tax cheat and the drunk driver begin!
“A former New Jersey assemblyman who championed legislation fighting child pornography pleaded guilty yesterday to distributing nude images of underage girls.”
Neil Cohen, 59, “pleaded guilty to endangering the welfare of a child by distributing child pornography and could be sent to state prison for five years when he is sentenced on July 12.”
You wanna know how they caught him? He was “viewing and printing” the images “from a computer in his former legislative office. He left at least one image at a receptionist’s desk leading to the investigation and charges.”
I can only hope that his efforts to”fight” child pornography resulted in his (not) lengthy (enough) sentence.
Kevin Wrynn of Mattituck writes in to say, “Who would be the best liberal or progressive replacement for John Paul Stevens? One who is brilliant, with a fierce dedication to the rule of law, or one who knows how to manipulate and go around the law? President Obama should nominate himself.”
I’ve read it five times and I still don’t know what Kevin thinks.
The Weinsteins are trying to buy back Miramax from Disney. For $600,000,000. In cash.
Presumably in small, unmarked bills.
The Houston Astros are now 0-7. Could they have an 0-162 season?
(crosses fingers)
I wonder if The Keep would’ve been a less horrible movie if Tangerine Dream hadn’t scored it.
The Nets played their last game at the Izod Center last night. They lost. They’re 12-69. They have one game left against Miami on Wednesday. Followed, I’d imagine, by a series of Silkwood showers.
Joba Chamberlain’s mother was sentenced to four years of probation for selling a gram of meth to an undercover cop.
Congratulations?
Linda Stasi constantly reminds us that she hates reality TV. Hates it. Especially the Real Housewives franchise.
And in her review of the second season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, she criticizes the show for not being as good as last season.
Teresa and I love Modern Family because it’s hilarious. Here’s another reason to love it: Every member of the cast has agreed to submit themselves for Emmy consideration in the Supporting Actor/Actress categories. Ed O’Neill explained that “nobody is bigger than anybody else in a show that is evolving into a true ensemble hit.”
I absolutely agree (though I’ll be rooting for Ty Burrell).
Conan O’Brien will have a new show on TBS in November at 11:00 p.m., bumping George Lopez to midnight.
I hope people can appreciate the irony there.
(Conan originally balked, but Lopez insisted that it was his idea in the first place and talked Conan into it)
And now I go to the post office to wait on line for an hour (if I’m lucky) and send in our taxes.
Sigh.
Boo.
Oh, look! Nick Johnson just hit a home run in the first inning!
Yay!
NYPD GLUE
Brass kills 3 retired cop horses
Captain Barry Gelbman, head of the NYPD’s Mounted Unit, was told that three horses (all between 15 and 20 years old, two with an abscessed leg and one with a swollen hind leg) wouldn’t be able to stand for the 12-hour trip to a retirement farm and that they should probably stay where they were in order to heal. Instead, he had them put down (they had life expectancies of up to 30). “‘They did not need to be euthanized,’ one source insisted. ‘They just could not travel cramped for 16 hours. They only needed special accomodations to move them.’”
Why does the Post say its a 12-hour trip while the source says it’s 16 hours? And why is this today’s front-page story? No idea. But the headline for the follow-up is EUTHA-NEIGH-SIA RAGE AT NYPD BIG, which is adorable.
And speaking of putting horses to death, did you know that one of Sarah Jessica Parker’s ancestors was accused of witchcraft during the 1692 trials in Salem, Massachusetts but was acquitted?
It’s true (according to NBC’s Who Do You Think You Are?)!
“Researchers in London found some evidence that being bored may shorten people’s life spans.”
I knew it! Two and a Half Men is bad for your health!
Phil Mickelson won the Masters, but the Post still spends more ink on Tiger Woods and his wife (Elin cried the first time she saw Tiger’s new Nike ad! According to Mark Cannizzaro, “Woods walked off the same green [as Mickelson] without his betrayed wife and two children”! Elin flew home alone!).
Congratulations, Phil!
Yesterday, “Governor” Paterson called the ethics charges made against Charlie Rangel are “trumped up” and asked Rangel’s fellow Democrats to rally behind him. “He has not been charged with anything. Let’s just remember that,” Paterson said, reminding everyone why Democrats have such low poll numbers.
Adele Sammarco used to be an anchor at NY1. She started in 1992 and was fired in 2001 — three weeks after complaining that she was “groped by former reporter Gary Anthony Ramsay.” Sammarco’s suit (which charges NY1 with running its station like “a high school boys’ locker room” where females are subjected to “lecherous conduct and crude statements”) opens today.
(great — now she’s going to sue me for lecherous conduct and crude statements, too!)
Mandrea!
Back to your holes, Tiger reminds us that Peyser hates Tiger Woods. “If I were Tiger’s caddy, I’d insist he slap on latex gloves before handling golf clubs. Disinfectant is so undignified.” Zing!
TOUGH GUY WANNABE criticizes “wet-behind-the-ears Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance” for “trying to change his image from Barney Fife to Dity Harry.” And where does his Barney Fife image come from? “Cy[rus Vance] has been bashed as ’soft’ by underlings behind his back, and by me to his face.” And he has the audacity to try and change his reputation? What a jerk!
Say no to drugs and Douglases over-simplifies as only Mandrea can. “Poor Cameron Douglas. How can a boy grow into a responsible adult when he’s saddled with the crippling psychological burden of being son to famous actor Michael Douglas, stepson to fabulous Catherine Zeta-Jones and grandson to a legend, Kirk?” I can’t decide what’s worse — her saying this disingenuously or her actually believing this.
The bulk of her hateful page is devoted to Molest ‘trial’ is diocese’s shot at redemption, which talks about the one-day three-priest religious tribunal held on March 26th at Most Precious Blood Parish in Queens for Rev. Frank Capellupo. Frank has been accused of molesting a 14-year-old for two years. The victim didn’t report it for a decade, but when Frank was accused of molesting another child in 2000 (the charges were later dropped), his previous victim decided it was time to tell the church what happened to him. The church put Capellupo on administrative leave. But this month, three priests will decide if he should be kicked out of the priesthood. And Mandrea applauds this farce.
Still no mention of what Pope Benedict did, though. Because that’s just lies made up by The New York Times.
It was Tampa’s turn to piss away a 2-0 lead yesterday as the Yankees won 7-3. Posada and Swisher hit homers.
We’re 4-2. Boston’s 3-3. Houston is 0-6.
Only 156 games to go.
Time to tidy up. Try not to think about how it’s Monday.
ABOUT
I read the New York Post so you don't have to.
RECENT POSTS
RECENT COMMENTS
- jed on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- No face on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- ScottF on More Required Reading.
- jed on More Required Reading.
- Miss Mason on More Required Reading.
Clicky here…
This month’s stats
3,570 | Unique Visitors |
Archives
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009