Archive for May, 2010
SATURDAY
* Gary Coleman died. The Post’s headline was DEAD!? WATCHOO TALKIN’ ‘BOUT?: Troubled ’80s child star Coleman’s life is cut short at 42. Get it? Cut short? The two-page feature also includes the curious sentence: “In 1993, Coleman told a television interviewer that he had twice tried.” The previous and following sentences offer no further context — did they forget to include the word “suicide” at the end? But my favorite line belongs to Todd Bridges: “It’s sad that I’m the last kid alive from the show.” Like most of America, Todd has forgotten about Danny Cooksey:
* New York Yankee Nick Swisher is engaged to Gossip Girl’s Joanna Garcia. Fun fact: She used to be engaged to Trace Ayala (Justin Timberlake’s business partner).
* BP CEO Tony Hayward on the Top Kill plan: “We have wrestled it to the ground, but we haven’t put a bullet it its head yet.”
* Heidi Montag is reportedly divorcing her husband of one year, Spencer Pratt. A “source” tells Page Six (today on page 10) that Montag “is freaking out. Spencer is determined to control her, and she just can’t take any more. She says she wants out, but she is terrified because she has very few friends. And she has convinced herself she’s going to be a major movie star.” Heidi is in for a number of rude awakenings. Great plastic surgeries, though. (SarcMark)
* Remember Captain Barry Gelbman, the NYPD officer who ordered that three horses be euthanized rather than move them to a retirement farm? An NYPD internal inquiry has cleared him of wrongdoing. The system works!
* Police in Jamaica are still looking for Christopher “Dudus” Coke, but they did arrest two of his associates, George Phang and Justin “Stingy” O’Gilvie. Stay tuned for more ridiculous names.
* Stephen Griffiths is accused of murdering three prostitutes in England. He told the court that his name is “the crissbow cannibal.” The Post’s mediocre article doesn’t explain whether the prozzies were killed with a crossbow and/or eaten.
* A Dutch study has proven that “gaydar” works. “The gays among [the test subjects] paid more attention to detail, making them likelier to spot like-minded peers.” Fascinating.
* A federal judge has officially ended “Governor” Paterson’s imposed-furlough plan. I told you so.
* A man in the Dominican Republic took too many erectile-dysfunction pills and got a 27-hour erection. When he went to the hospital, he was informed that gangrene had set in and that they’d have to amputate his penis. Which, ironically, gave him major erectile dysfunction.
* Mayor Bloomberg on the opposition to the building of that mosque near Ground Zero: “What is great about America and particularly New York is we welcome everybody, and if we are so afraid of something like this, what does that say about us? Democracy is stronger than this. You know [sic] the ability to practice your religion was one of the real reasons America was founded. And for us to just say no is just, I think, not appropriate is a nice way to phrase it.” I agree with the egomaniacal billionaire.
* The Yankees beat the Indians 8-2 and Tampa Bay lost. Now we’re 3 1/2 games back. Robinson Cano went 3-for-4 (including a grand slam). Curtis Granderson is back, so Randy Winn has been designated for assignment.
* Andy Richter is in talks to host a remake of the $25,000 Pyramid. “Unnecessary… a bad idea… a waste of Richter’s immense talent…” (things someone who read this might say).
SUNDAY
The Top Kill method of stopping the oil leak in the Gulf was a failure (MUCK UP: Plan Z? Another BP oil leak fix fails). BP has some more “ideas” but they might make the leak worse. Current estimates are that the leak will continue through August. BP Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles’ response? “This scares everybody, the fact that we can’t make this well stop flowing.” And by can’t, he means won’t.
For more infuriating details on how BP is “helping” to “contain” the oil, read this.
I really and truly hope that BP executives are brought up on multiple criminal charges.
A couple was cleaning Prospect Park’s lake of trash and fishing lines when they discovered turtle traps.
Let this be a warning to any turtle poachers in Prospect Park: My wife will kill you if she catches you. And I will help her feed your corpses to the ducks.
You know that brand-new $421,000,000 court building in the Bronx that opened in 2008? Well, some of the glass walls are now boarded up (with wooden planks! like a pirate ship!), courtroom doors are broken, some stairwells are roped off and the lower levels are infested by sewer flies. Oh, and the ceiling of below-ground parking garage is sinking.
I guess $421,000,000 doesn’t buy what it used to.
“The Vatican’s prosecutor of clerical sex abusers [JEDITOR'S NOTE: He's the Catholic equivalent of the Maytag repairman.] warned yesterday that they would suffer damnation in hell that would be worse than the death penalty.”
That may be true, but I’d still like them to also get the death penalty.
There were a few things I was going to make fun of in Michael Goodwin’s newest column, but I think this one item (reprinted in its entirety) will suffice:
How many geeks to fix a leak?
More nonsense from the faculty lounge. As evidence of his team’s engagement in the Gulf oil disaster, President Obama said that Energy Secretary Steven Chu — a Nobel Prize winner! — assembled a bunch of brainiacs in Houston to find answers. Well, well. If Nobel winners have a knack for plugging leaks a mile underwater, we’re in good hands with Obama and Chu. Then again, I suspect a knowledge of plumbing isn’t held in high esteem by the Nobel crowd.
Goodwin’s wife is the President of Hunter College. Do you think she appreciates his mockery of the Nobel Prize (and intelligence in general)? Could these “brainiacs” do any worse than BP? Should we ask morons for help instead?
Michael Goodwin is a shameless prick.
Word on the street (according to Page Six — today on page 10) is that Russell Brand is refusing to do any interviews to promote his new movie Get Him to the Greek “unless the interviewer goes on record as having liked Get Him to the Greek first.”
Based on the trailer I just watched, I don’t expect to see any promotional interviews with Russell Brand any time soon.
Dennis Hopper is dead.
Rest in peace, Dennis.
How many times do I have to warn you guys? If you are a drummer in an indie band (especially in Brooklyn), your life is in danger. Beau Velasco (The Death Set)* died (in Brooklyn) in September. Jerry Fuchs (Maserati, !!!) fell down an elevator shaft (in Brooklyn) last November. Troy Young (Curious Mishap)* was found dead in his apartment (in Brooklyn) in December (of a gunshot wound to the head). Devon Clifford (You Say Party! We Say Die!)* died on stage (in Vancouver) last month.
Now comes Williamsburg’s Nicholas Blossom (Alaska Alaska), who fell off of a third-story balcony in Chelsea and impaled his head on a spiked metal fence. He was rushed to the hospital with a section of the fence “still attached to his scalp.” But get this — he’s expected to pull through. That’s rock and roll.
*Bonus points for having highly appropriate band names.
If anyone can explain the following sentence to me, I’d greatly appreciate it.
“Hundreds of gorgeous blond women marched arm in arm in the capital of Latvia to cheer up workers who had lost their jobs in the economic slump.”
Yesterday’s paper explained that Obama didn’t really do anything illegal (or different from any of his predecessors) when Bill Clinton offered Joe Sestak a job (on Obama’s behalf) if he dropped out of the primary against Arlen Specter. Which is why Rich Lowry has a full-page story today titled Psst, buddy [sic] want a (legally murky, not at all a bribe, oh so innocent) job?
Fun fact: Rich Lowry is the editor of National Review and once wrote (on seeing Sarah Palin’s first debate against Joe Biden), “I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, ‘Hey, I think she just winked at me.’ And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America.”
MTA board member Nancy Shevell complained about the amount of paid time off bus drivers get for being spit on. “I don’t envy anyone that gets spit on… but their recovery time is getting strung out for months.”
At least that’s what I think she said (it’s hard to tell as she never removes Dame Paul McCartney’s old man junk from her hateful maw).
Kyle Smith didn’t enjoy Sex and the City 2 and uses that film to reveal that America “soft-pedals repressive Islamic law.” Referencing the hullabaloo surrounding the Ground Zero mosque, Kyle writes, “If bin Laden was reading the news this week, he must have had a good laugh. And a pang of doubt. Why am I spending all this effort on jihad? Why am I living in a cave? I could have a penthouse on Fifth Avenue. I could have made more progress toward a pan-Islamic world with a decent flack. Why didn’t I realize how easily Americans will gladly drop their supposed ideals if you call it ‘tolerance’?”
I take solace in the fact that Kyle Smith had to sit through all of SATC 2.
Too soon?
Peggy Noonan’s STRIKE THREE! explains that With the oil spill, Obama shows — again — how detached he is from Americans.
“The disaster in the Gulf may well spell the political end of the president and his administration, and that is no cause for joy… That it is his fault is no comfort.”
I guess Peggy hasn’t been reading her own columns for the last year and a half.
In honor of Memorial Day, John McCain names All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque as his favorite book, calling it “One of the best war novels of the 20th century.”
Michael Riedel tells the story of “the most expensive musical in history” (Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark). It’s budget is now $52,000,000 (give or take). The main villain is Arachne (a female character created by director Julie Taymor and writer Glen Berger), but “he also battles… the Green Goblin, Carnage, Electro, Rhino, Swarm, Lizard and Swiss Miss, another villain created by Taymor and Berger. Swiss Miss has rotating knives and corkscrews for limbs.”
I guess $52,000,000 doesn’t buy what it used to (it used to buy character names that aren’t also powdered hot chocolate companies).
ASK ASHLEY!
My ex constantly makes out and gropes people in public. I think it’s an insecurity thing, but he seems to thrive off of it. It’s obnoxious and I want him to stop, but I don’t want him to think I’m jealous. It’s more like I’m embarrassed — for him. What should I do? — Mike, 30, New Jersey
ASHLEY: “The only thing you can do is be the adult and talk to him. Say something like, ‘I know we’re not together anymore, but I feel really uncomfortable when you start making out with someone else in front of our friends — and most of all, in front of me. What you do in your private life is your business, but I don’t think I — or any of our friends — need to witness it in public. We’re lucky that we can be friends and all go out and have a good time, but to act like you do is silly and disrespectful.’”
ME: “Let me get this straight… your ex is a man and you’re also a man? How is that even possible?”
I hooked up with this girl, but I’m more interested in her friend. The friend knows — and likes me — but doesn’t want to hurt her friend even though I ended things a while ago. Now what? — Joe, 22, Fresh Meadows
ASHLEY: “How long has it been since you ‘hooked up’ with her friend? If it was recent, you probably don’t have a chance with her friend. In fact, you may not regardless.”
ME: “Don’t worry about it, Joe. Your problem is nothing compared to the last guy — he loves another man! Seriously!”
I realize this question will seem completely absurd and stereotypical, but I’m gay and honestly don’t get why gay people listen to such crappy music. I mean, club music? All the time? Expand your horizons! — Aaron, 30, Los Angeles
ASHLEY: “It’s not only the gays. I go to plenty of mixed house parties where they play techno and pop songs all night. But I don’t get it either. Whatever happened to Jack Johnson, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Bob Marley? The older I get, the more I have a deeper appreciation for music that makes me feel something — other than just wanting to shake my booty!”
ME: “OK, is this some kind of joke? I looked up ‘gay’ online and apparently there is a large group of people who are attracted to their own sex. Is this like WarPigsMovie.com? I mean, this has to be a joke, right? More importantly, did the hooker just ask ‘Whatever happened to Jack Johnson?’ Really? Screw this, I’m going to Moe’s.”
Marmaduke opens this Friday. Their ad already has two positive blurbs (and neither is Pete Hammond!).
“Terrific. Marmaduke is a treat!” — Patty Spitler, WTHR-TV/Indianapolis
“The perfect family summer comedy.” — Joel Amos, Sheknows.com
Sounds great!
Alex Rodriguez hit a line drive into the head of Indians pitcher David Huff (he was taken out of the game, but is perfectly OK), but the Yankees eventually gave up their 6-run lead and lost 13-11. David Robertson was taken out of the game after three pitches, because his back tightened up. Tampa Bay won, so we’re back 4 1/2 games again.
But the best baseball story of the week (if not the year) belongs to the Angels’ Kendry Morales. He hit a walk-off grand slam in the 10th inning yesterday and rounded the bases in fine form. When he arrived at home plate, he jumped up in celebration — and fractured his lower left leg upon landing. He will undergo surgery today. If he was on my team, I’d be pissed.
TODAY
THE BIG OOZY points out that hurricane season starts tomorrow and Louisianans (Louisianians?) are facing a “slime wave.” It also credits “experts” with saying that the damage to the environment is “permanent.” And BP’s next big plan risks making the spill far worse.
So. Frustrating.
In their opening weekends, Sex and the City 2 made $32,100,000 (#2) and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time made $30,200,000 (#3). The critically-reviled Shrek Forever After made $43,300,000 (retaining the #1 slot).
Is this what all those soldiers died for, people?
In a related story, MacGruber dropped to #9 with $1,477,000 (total box office to date: $7,127,000).
Cindy Adams is on vacation reads the banner on page 12.
Hmmm…
A British poll found that men tell an average of three lies a day and women tell an average of two. The poll also deduced that men and women tell the most lies to their mothers.
Maybe that’s how they do it in England, but I would never lie to you, Mom.
(one down, two to go)
This is why I don’t eat at JFK Fried Chicken.
A 39-year-old female customer was told by an employee that he wanted to “hit that.” Then he whipped out his, er, drumstick and two sides, and spanked her rear. The employee (Mohammed Itayim, 28) apologized and said it was an accident (well, three accidents to be more accurate) and the woman left.
But Itayim followed her outside, tried to kiss her and slapped her rear again. He was later arrested and charged with forcible touching. But (oddly) not for waving his naked, er, corn on the cob ‘n’ biscuits, around an allegedly hygenic food preparation area.
The Yankees won (7-3) and Tampa Bay lost. So we’re back only 3 1/2 games again.
The 6-1 Andy Pettitte will start for today’s game which starts… now.
The Post reports that one of the cast members of Basketball Wives was arrested during the taping of the reunion show. The nine-paragraph article never mentions the network the show airs on. Which is the kindest thing the Post has ever done for its readers.
John McCain now claims that he has never recommended All Quiet on the Western Front to anyone.
And that’s the last three days in a nutshell. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s nice out and my wife has the day off.
I wish you all a somber (b’also festive) Memorial Day.
Just finished a lovely brunch and it’s too gorgeous out to waste on the Post.
You’ll get a triple dose tomorrow.
You’re welcome.
Happy 3-day weekend!
Even Obama’s daughter wants an answer trumpets today’s cover (‘DID YOU PLUG THE HOLE YET [sic] DADDY?’). The follow-up headlines on pages 4 and 5 include PREZ WOE IS OIL IN THE FAMILY and Malia’s plea to pa: Stop the leak! and Churlie Hurt’s Obama: I’m responsible (for zilch).
So, the two things that the Post took away from yesterday’s press conference are that Malia wants the oil spill to be stopped (smart kid!) and that, as Mr. Hurt so brillianty assesses, “Obama repeatedly denied that his administration was complicit in allowing the catastrophe to happen in the first place, slow to realize the devastating nature of it, or ham-handed in the five-week effort to try to stem the toxic tide.”
1) If anyone was “complicit in allowing the catastrophe to happen” it was the previous administration and BP. That’s not opinion, that’s fact. Hurt doesn’t explain how he feels Obama was complicit (just as when I say “Charles Hurt repeatedly denied raping children to death and eating their corpses,” the “repeatedly” implies that there are multiple [and seemingly legitimate] accusations facing him, but I don’t feel it necessary to offer any further context — yellow journalism is fun!).
2) If Obama had refused to believe BP at their word and started calling the shots immediately (which, in hindsight, would have been the right move to make), Hurt (and Palin and Limbaugh and the rest of their icky ilk) would have used it as yet another example of the socialist POTUS trying to wipe his ass with the Constitution.
I truly hope that BP is brought up on criminal charges. I truly hope that the Gulf can completely recover from the spill (which has now surpassed the Valdez — fuck you, Brit Hume). But I’m a cynic and I doubt that either of those things is possible.
Page 3 has a large full-color photo of Paris Hilton with some sailors at the Union Square Ballroom (why does the Post hate our troops?). The picture’s clever headline? Land ho! It’s Paris!
Also on page 3 is news that Gary Coleman is in critical condition with “a serious medical problem.”
TMZ is reporting that Coleman “suffered a head injury after a fall at his Utah home.”
But how is that possible? A fall from his height shouldn’t cause any kind of injury.
(get well soon, Arnold)
Kenneth Starr (not that one) faces 45 years in prison for stealing money from his clients (including Al Pacino, Uma Thurman and Wesley Snipes) and Andrew Stein (he went to school with my dad!) faces 8 years in prison for lying on his tax returns.
Fun Fact: Starr’s wife is a stripper named Diane Passage. The paper says she used to work at an ad agency by day and strip at night to support her son (she was a single parent). One of the agencies I used to work at employed a single mother who stripped at night. I think her name was Diane. The photos of Diane Passage don’t look like what I remember my co-worker looking like, but I guess it might be her.
Small world.
Wait a minute… using indoor tanning beds… is bad for you?
Don’t let anyone tell John Boehner!
Richard “I Served In Vietnam and By Served In Vietnam I Mean I Never Went to Vietnam” Blumenthal now holds a 56% to 31% lead over his opponent in the latest Quinnipiac poll.
Which should give you a good idea of just how unelectable Linda McMahon is.
Tiger Woods’ divorce attorneys are prohibiting him from being with women (according to Us magazine), out of fear that his wife will get more ammunition to use in their proceedings.
If I were his wife’s attorney, I’d think the fact that my client’s husband’s attornies had to prohibit him from being in contact with women was more than enough ammunition.
NYers flunk driving tests claims that “New York drivers finished dead last in their knowledge of the rules of the road” for the second year in a row, according to the GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test. It ranks us at “No. 51.”
It’s bad enough to be ranked last, but to be ranked 51st in a national test in a country that has only 50 states? That’s brutal.
Robert “Long Island’s Favorite Magician” Infantino, 52, has pleaded guilty to 108 counts of unlawful surveillance and possession of child pornography.
I’ve always said that Long Island has terrible taste in magicians.
In a tiny mini-piece in the top-right corner of page 16 is news that The House voted 234-194 for repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The Senate Armed Services Committee also favored a repeal (they voted 16-12 in favor of a repeal).
If it gets repealed, will those homophobic soldiers make good on their alleged promises to leave the military? We shall see…
Jennifer Belle has hired 40 actresses to read her book (The Seven Year Bitch) in public over the Memorial Day weekend and laugh hysterically at it.
A great marketing idea like that virtually guarantees that the book is terrible.
Page Six (today on page 19) reports that Cindy Adams “has a bit of anemia and is in the hospital.”
Is this it, people? Has the moment finally arrived? Is Cindy Adams starting her long-overdue descent into the grave?
Cross those fingers!
Rich Lowry’s Drowning in the Spill: O’s still bungling the crisis contends that Obama’s order to his administration to “Plug the damn hole!” is “a meaningless order with the world’s best engineers already desperately trying to solve a hellish technical probem.”
Collapse the well, Rich. If BP wasn’t so hellbent on keeping the well intact, its destruction would solve the problem of the leak. But if “the world’s best engineers” are on the case, I guess we won’t need to do that, right?
Bill O’Reilly tackles the most important topic of our times, Lindsay Lohan (Saving LiLo: Only She Can).
Thank God for Bill O’Reilly.
Crude oil is now trading at $74.55 a barrel.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives two stars to Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (SPOILER WARNING: “may be the first movie that effectively erases virtually its entire story line by the very last scene.”) and three stars to Micmacs (“Old-school laughs.”).
Kyle Smith gives one star to both Picasso and Braque Go To the Movies (“a rambling slap-up of images”) and Survival of the Dead (“Graveyard for originality.”).
V.A. Musetto gives one star to Agora (violence, sexuality), three stars to The Father of My Children (suicide) and three and a half stars to Mademoiselle Chambon (mature themes). I have no idea who he is anymore.
Pete Hammond calls Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time “Thrilling! The biggest and most fun adventure of the summer!” and Shrek: The Final Chapter (why does their ad use this title? I thought it was changed to Shrek Forever After — unless the box office receipts made them decide that this really is Shrek’s final chapter) is “The best comedy of the year!”
We failed to sweep the Twins, but 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Tampa won last night, so we’re now 4 1/2 games behind them. Boston and Toronto are both 2 games behind us.
Curtis Granderson is expected to start in center field tonight.
Hey, Lost fans! Disappointed with the numerous unanswered questions in the show’s finale? Well, if you buy the 38-disc DVD collection, the producers have included a “bonus feature, you can call it an epilogue, a lost scene” that’s “12 or 14 minutes” long. And all for just $200!
There is no Inferno this week, so if you want to see me perform improvised comedy, your only option is Let’s Have A Ball at the UCB (Saturday at 7:30 p.m.). Still, that’s a pretty great option.
I have a great video for tomorrow, but I’m sitting on it until then (though my Facebook friends have already seen it).
Toodles!
A secretary for the head of corporate communications at Walt Disney Co. sent an anonymous letter to dozens of investment firms, offering to “share information about the company’s upcoming quarterly earnings report ‘for a fee.’” Unfortunately for secretary Bonnie Jean Hoxie (and her boyfriend, Yonni Sebbag) “nearly every one of the investment firms they contacted ratted them out to the FBI.”
That’s today’s (surprisingly boring) cover story (along with a smiling Derek Jeter [Minny ha-ha: Yanks' twin wins in 5 hrs.] and a pink box with Would you try female Viagra? written inside).
The Yankees won both of yesterday’s games! And Tampa lost to Boston and Toronto lost to the Angels, which means we’re now 3 1/2 games behind Tampa and Boston is two games behind us (Toronto dropped to a 1/2 game behind Boston). Only 116 games left to go.
Vito Fossella has informed the GOP that he has no intention of running for re-election — this year.
After announcing his decision not to run at his press conference, Fossella asked reporters, “Isn’t that big uh me?”
Andy Cuomo has picked the mayor of Rochester (Robert Duffy) as his lieutenant governor.
Unless Duffy sprays the AIDS virus into every New Yorker’s water supply, I think he’ll do a better job than Mr. Paterson.
50 Cent went from 214 pounds to 160 pounds so that he could play a football player with cancer in the movie Things Fall Apart (which is not based on the book by Chinua Achebe).
If he loses just six more pounds, he can change his rap name to 15 Stone!
The president of Testwell Laboratories Inc. (the company that faked concrete and steel strength-test results for Yankee Stadium, Ground Zero’s centerpiece skyscraper, schools, hospitals, subways — nearly 120 projects in all) has been sentenced to “up to 21 years in prison.”
You got off light, V. Reddy Kancharla. I can only hope that your cellmate
The editors at Men’s Health has named “the worst drink in America” — the peanut butter and chocolate ice cream shake at Cold Stone Creamery. It has 2,010 calories, 131 grams of fat and 153 grams of sugar.
They’ve clearly never tried my bacon fat, marzipan, butter and fudge frappe.
Sex and the City 2 has gotten positive reviews from 9% of the critics that saw it. A quick flip to the movie’s ad in the PULSE section reveals who liked it (and it isn’t Pete Hammond!).
A MUST SEE. GRAB YOUR GIRLS AND GET TO THE THEATRE! — Rosey Edeh, ET Canada
SEX AND THE CITY 2 HAS 2 TIMES THE GLITZ AND 2 TIMES THE GLAMOUR. — Russ Simmons, FOX-TV
FUN AND FABULOUS! — Vicki Salemi, Sheknows.com
SEXY SUMMER FUN IS BACK. — Dean Richards, WGN-TV
DON’T MISS THE BEST PARTY IN TOWN. — Pat Collins, WOR-TV
LAUGH-OUT-LOUD HILARIOUS! SEX IS EVEN BETTER THE SECOND TIME AROUND. — Scott Mantz, Access Hollywood
$20 says it still makes over $100,000,000 in the next three weeks.
I just tried going on Facebook and I was redirected to myspace. I can’t even get there on my phone.
Internet shenanigans are afoot.
Christopher “Dudus” Coke is so worried that Jamaican police will kill him that he is currently in talks with US authorities to voluntarily extradite himself.
Coke is it(ching to save his own ass)!
That woman (Alexis Houston) who is rumored to have had an affair with Matt Lauer (despite their denials) was born Stuart Houston. That’s right — he was a man, baby!
We tried to reach Willard Scott for a comment, but he busy arguing with some leaves.
Charlie Crist used the Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere” in a campaign ad. David Byrne (and his attorneys) put an end to that. They’re suing him for $1,000,000 in damages.
If Crist had asked my opinion, the lyrics from “(Nothing But) Flowers” would have made for a much more resonant advertisement (“And as things fell apart, nobody paid much attention”).
(he’s still gonna lose re-election)
Hey, Page Six? The Wire was not a “gritty Showtime series.”
It would take weeks of drilling to reach the bar that this paper set for itself.
Oh, boy! Michael Starr is writing a biography of William Shatner! And he just finished one on Redd Foxx!
If they’re anything like his daily column, they’re boring and useless!
Mandrea.
She attacks Sarah Ferguson, the MTA, the politicians in Albany and other easy targets today. My favorite is her vilification of the “monster mosque” (which it isn’t) that she doesn’t want built at Ground Zero (which it wouldn’t be).
Aren’t you long overdue for a vacation, Mandrea?
“A sleeping passenger was left aboard a plane for four hours after it arrived in Philadelphia shortly after midnight. She was found by the cleaning crew that boarded at 4 a.m.”
I would’ve stayed on the plane, too.
Some things that are true:
People are funny.
Kids say the darnedest things.
Art Linkletter is dead.
To answer the question posed on today’s cover, some women would try female Viagra but others wouldn’t.
Alfredo Aceves (3-0, 3.00 ERA) might be getting “season-ending back surgery.”
Sigh.
In her review of HBO’s The Special Relationship, Linda Stasi says, “When the movie opens, we see bumbling naif Tony Blair (played by the horribly miscast Michael Sheen).”
In The Queen, Mr. Sheen played Tony Blair and won a Toronto Film Critics Association Award, a Los Angeles Film Critics Association Award, and a Kansas City Film Critics Circle Award as a result. He was also nominated for a BAFTA Film Award and a Chicago Film Critics Association Award.
Does anyone at the Post have any idea what they’re being paid to talk about?
I have just entered a dessert war with the lovely and talented Ms. Gausas. She told me she was bringing a homemade concoction to Saturday’s show and I refuse to be upstaged by anything with pineapple in it.
So I’m off to the supermarket to be inspired by whatever fruit they have that doesn’t look rancid.
See you all tomorrow.
Through the magic of Photoshop, today’s front page is the Statue of Liberty holding a torch in each hand, with the headline TOUCH DOWN! between them, as New York has been selected as the host city for the 2014 Super Bowl. But to me the photo is less a celebration of a touchdown than a grumpy signaller on an airport runway (that “touchdown” is two words adds greatly to this) — as if the Statue of Liberty was navigating terrorists to the new football stadium where the game will take place.
Fortunately, there will be no terrorist attacks at the 2014 Super Bowl, as the world will end in 2012.
Also, for the record, the New Meadowlands Stadium is located in East Rutherford, New Jersey. So the sub-head on today’s cover (New York clinches 2014 Super Bowl bid) is not factually accurate (surprise, surprise).
Rob Simmons has dropped out of Connecticut’s current Senate race, leaving just Richard “I Fought In Vietnam and By Vietnam I Mean South Carolina” Blumenthal and Linda “My Husband and I Built An Empire By Abusing Juiceheads and Appealing to America’s Dumbest” McMahon.
Congratulations, Connecticut.
The Post asks Sarah Ferguson, Hey [sic] Fergie, if we pay you, will you go home? because she is currently in NYC.
Actually, I’m Fergie’s assistant and if you give the money to me, I will pass it along to her and guarantee her exit. Scout’s honor.
Churlie Hurt’s Pin blame on feds for mucking things up faults the federal government for the current crisis in the Gulf. “It was your responsibility — both Democrats and Republicans — to make sure reasonable safeguards were in place to prevent such a disaster.”
Well, they were. Until the CEO of Halliburton (sorry, former CEO) held closed-door meetings with the oil industry that resulted in the weakening of those very safeguards. It’s nice that Hurt appears to be blaming both parties for the mess, but the fault lies (primarily) with the previous administration.
And Michael Goodwin devotes a hefty chunk of his page to blaming Obama for the spill and everything that happened after (though you know that if Obama had aggressively gone after BP from day one, Goodwin would cry socialism). I don’t have time to deal with Goodwin’s bullshit today.
I’m pretty sure that the entire article on page 16 titled Posh new Tiger lair (about the new home Tiger Woods is building) isn’t supposed to be in italics.
Tonight is Simon Cowell’s last night as a judge on American Idol. And Paula Abdul is expected to make an appearance. And if you care and have pubic hair, then there’s something profoundly wrong with you.
At least 30 people have died in the current Jamaican riots.
Ay-yi-yi-ree.
A truck carrying 7,000 hives (containing approximately 17,000,000 bees) was part of a four-car pileup on a Minnesota highway. So I guess the disappearance of bees can’t be blamed solely on Colony Collapse Disorder.
Ralph Peters accuses The New York Times of Just Another Act of Deadly Treason for reporting about General Petraeus’ authorization of “black operations against adversaries and such dubious friends as Iran, Syria, Yemen and Saudi Arabia,” which he says the learned from “a leaked classified document.”
“The paper has long since given up any pretense of patriotism. (Ugh! Yuck!)”
Ironically, I wouldn’t have known about the document were it not for Peters. Who commits treason every chance he gets.
There’s an editorial on page 30 titled Touchdown!, so the paper does know it’s supposed to be one word.
I’m watching Warren Zevon’s last appearance on Letterman (YouTube isn’t just for cute cat videos) are tearing up. I miss him.
Luckily, I’ve discovered archive.org, which has loads of his live shows (I am currently downloading some of them, along with Spoon’s show at the Prospect Park Bandshell from 2008, the final Harvey Danger show that I missed last year and various Mike Doughty shows — all for free). The internet is a beautiful thing. Sometimes.
Remember how Harvey Weinstein was going to buy Miramax back from Disney? Well, the deal is off.
Disney wanted $625,000,000 but Harvey only wanted to spend $500,000,000.
Fun fact: The first Miramax movie was The Burning, a cheap slasher movie (based on the Cropsey monster!) which featured a young Holly Hunter and Jason Alexander (with hair!).
Kyle Smith’s one-star review of Sex and the City 2 is titled SUCKS IN THE CITY. “Abu Dhabi don’t!” quips Kyle, who also says that the movie “hits a new Manolo” and calls it “Bitchtar.” The movie is 143 minutes long and includes Liza Minnelli doing a cover of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”
My penis just retreated inside my abdomen.
Michael Riedel claims that Samuel L. Jackson is considering a run on Broadway in The Mountaintop. He’d be playing Martin Luther King, Jr.
MLK and Nick Fury? Is there nothing he can’t do?
The Yankee game got rained out (they were scoreless after five innings) and will resume today. Pettitte will pitch the second game.
The Red Sox beat the Rays, so we’re only five games back now.
Aceves was due to leave the disabled list today, but his back is acting up again.
Sigh.
TNT says they will not be picking up Law & Order like they did Southland. Will anyone?
(gung gung)
The Mayor of Detroit has banned reality TV crews from shadowing police on raids. Why? Because that’s what a crew from The First 48 was doing when a May 16th raid resulted in a police bullet killing a 7-year-old girl.
Oops.
I have two rehearsals today, so I gotsta get goin’. Try and have the bestest Hump Day you can.
I don’t know why it died, but our coffee machine died this morning. We had been meaning to replace it for a while — now we have no choice. Maybe we’ll get one uh them programmable dealies with the gold filter and the built-in grinder (one million of the cheap ones they sell at Wal-Mart just got recalled for bursting into flames — I’d rather spend an extra $50 to be able to make coffee without worrying that my house will burn down).
Three stories on today’s cover; I’ll start with the smallest (which, ironically, has the biggest follow-up). Fergie: ‘Needy & greedy’ re-tells (again) the embarrassing story of Sarah Ferguson, but adds that Fergie is planning on moving here (or, as this horrible seemingly-editorless newspaper puts it, “Her likely next destination would be the United State [sic]“). But is there room in America for two greedy and stupid Sarahs who think they’re royalty? (You betcha!)
DEADLY FARCE explains that a new legislative proposal would require New York police officers to use “minimum force” against suspects with guns — they’d have to shoot the suspects in their arms or legs instead of going for a kill shot. Given that NYPD officers and detectives hit their intended targets only 17% of the time, I’m not sure they’re capable of hitting a suspect at all, let alone in their appendages.
But most of the cover is devoted to Lindsay Lohan (Lohan plays court chester) and what she was wearing in court yesterday (a blouse “with a plunging neckline more fit for a club than a court”). Lohan was ordered to wear a secure continuous remote alcohol monitor (SCRAM) on her ankle until (at the very least) her next probation hearing (July 6th). She will also have to submit to weekly drug tests.
Her attorney told the judge that the bracelet would interfere with movies that she is currently shooting in Texas (Machete and Inferno), but the Machete folks insist that Lohan has nothing else to film and the Inferno folks say that they won’t start shooting until at least August. Oops.
Fun Fact: 51 MTA bus drivers claimed they were spit on by riders last year. Their union contracts awarded them an average of 64 paid days off as a result of each incident. One driver got 191 paid days off.
Ironically, this makes me want to spit on some MTA bus drivers.
Remember how Steve Levy was the GOP’s ace in the hole for the upcoming gubernatorial election? How his defection from the Democrats would give the GOP a wealth of supporters who were tired of politics-as-usual? Levy now trails Carl Paladino in the polls.
Maybe Levy should start sending racist e-mails to his friends.
More photos of the damage that the oil spill in the Gulf continues to do. Thank God BP is handling the clean-up. With minimal oversight. And toxic chemicals that they were ordered to stop using but didn’t.
Eric Massa claims he tried to kill himself twice prior to resigning from office.
But both times he slipped and wound up molesting a male co-worker instead.
Residents of The Dakota are angry that tour buses have been bringing “50-plus people many times of the day” to gawk at the spot John Lennon was murdered. They claim “when the tourists get out, they block the entire sidewalk and you can’t get back into your building.”
The company that runs the tours responded by asking the tenants to “imagine there’s no tourists — it isn’t hard to do.”
John Bolton has written an op-ed titled DON’T MOURN THE EURO: It’s always been anti-American.
He’s adorable.
BP is being sued by some of their investors “for failing to monitor safety operations” prior to the spill in the Gulf.
Wouldn’t it be great if the government followed suit?
The new hot trend in giving birth? HypnoBirthing – “a method of relaxation via visualization and deep breathing.”
“I would give birth again tomorrow,” says one practitioner.
I would be interested in seeing a documentary about this birthing technique, so long as I don’t have to see Ricki Lake’s vagina as she gives birth in a bath tub.
The Texas Rangers have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. They still owe Alex Rodriguez $24,900,000. They owe “between $100,000,000 and $500,000,000″ to various other creditors.
I am confident that George W. Bush is at least partially responsible for this.
Tonight’s game against the Twins starts at 8:10.
With the way we’ve been playing lately, I don’t know if I can watch.
At least Tampa Bay lost last night (to Boston).
Paula Abdul is getting her own show on CBS: Got to Dance.
I can’t wait. And by can’t I mean can.
Michael Sheen will be playing Tony Blair (for the fourth time) to Dennis Quaid and Hope Davis’ Bill and Hillary Clinton in HBO’s upcoming movie The Special Relationship.
I assume it’s about Bill and Tony’s homosexual affair.
I was informed last night that there is NO INFERNO SHOW this Sunday due to Memorial Day.
So now you only have to see Let’s Have A Ball on Saturday night.
Enjoy your Tuesday.
ROYAL BRIBE SHOCK
Fergie in 750G ‘prince’ sting
Wow. Remember Fergie? Not the Black Eyed Pea with the lady lumps — the woman who married Prince Andrew in 1986? They divorced 10 years later, she became a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers, photos emerged of her financial advisor sucking her toes… remember?
Well, she’s back in the news now because she told an undercover reporter that giving her money would gain hin access to her ex-husband (who is now Britain’s special representative for international trade and delivery).
“Five hundred thousand pounds when you can, to me… open doors. Then you open up all the channels, whatever you need, whatever you want… We can do so much. If you want to meet him in your business, look after me and he’ll look after you.”
In the video (made by the undercover reporter), Fergie asks for $40,000 in cash and $720,000 by wire transfer “if you want a deal with Andrew… and then you meet Andrew.” She also claims that Andrew knew what she was doing (he has since denied having any knowledge of any of this). Fergie has already issued an apology.
Fun Fact: Fergie told the reporter he had to sign a confidentiality agreement. He refused, but she said everything above anyway. Making her the Duchess of Stupid.
“Governor” Paterson has sent a bill to the Legislature that would allow all of the state’s parks and historic sites open and fully staffed for the upcoming fiscal year. And to pay for it, all the Legislature has to do is take $6,000,000 from the Environmental Protection Fund.
If they agree, we’ll be that much closer to passing the state budget that was due on April 1st. And a hearty pat on the back to the person that made the deadline April Fools’ Day.
A woman who has worked for ESPN since its inception in 1980 was fired in March 2009 “for repeatedly using the garbage can as a toilet.” She is now suing them, claiming that “stress over threatened layoffs exacerbated her irritable-bowel syndrome” and that’s why she kept shitting in the garbage can.
I would like to meet the attorney who told her, “Yeah, I’ll take your case. I think we have a good shot at winning.”
The Jamaican government has ordered a state of emergency after masked men set fire to a police station in Kingston. It seems the US wants to extradite Christopher “Dudus” Coke for drug- and arms-trafficking charges and the folks in his neighborhood don’t like the sound of that.
What I don’t understand, though, is why a drug dealer whose last name is Coke feels the need for a nickname.
Page 9 is a feature on Michelle Ross, the woman who gave birth to Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s twins, and how she still lives in Martins Ferry, Ohio ($EX AND THE PITY: Sarah’s surrogate stuck in Ohio’s ‘armpit’).
Between this article and last week’s claim that SJP is the greediest actress in the world, I have to wonder if she snubbed one of the Post’s editors somehow. Assuming this rag has editors.
Lee Daniels’ next movie is Selma, featuring Liam Neeson as Lyndon B. Johnson. The current rumor is that Robert DeNiro will play Governor George Wallace.
Unless he sees Shadowboxer anytime soon.
Mandrea weighs in on my friend’s TOURISTS and NEW YORKERS sidewalk lanes (Hey, it’s better than touristcide). “What a brilliant idea!” she brays. For once, I agree with her.
And it makes me feel dirty.
Are you sitting down?
Sarah Palin is now claiming that Obama is in bed with the oil companies and that it influenced his response to the crisis in the Gulf. Sarah Palin, former governor of the state whose citizens are literally paid by the oil companies to live there, is also continuing to champion offshore drilling.
Go fuck yourself, baby, go fuck yourself.
The Yankees lost last night. To the Mets. For the second night in a row. Toronto won and are one game behind us. We are now six games behind Tampa Bay.
Sigh.
Time Warner Cable is in talks with Hollywood studios about a service that would offer subscribers the chance to watch new movies (roughly a month after they open in theaters) in the comfort of their own homes. For just $20-$30 a piece.
Congratulations, TWC! You just hastened the demise of the movie theater industry!
Going to a movie theater was one of my favorite things to do when I was very young, when I was in high school, when I was in college (especially the $1.99 theater in Saratoga), when I lived in Chicago and even now. I never would have thought that that industry was in danger of going away ever, let alone in my lifetime.
Michael Starr wants you to know that “…Cristina Moreno de los Rios is Ch. 47’s new public relations/marketing manager.”
Whatever would we do without him?
I believe tonight’s episode of Law & Order (NBC @ 10:00 p.m.) is the series finale (unless another network picks it up).
Say hi to Briscoe for me.
Congratulations to Dog Court on their second Inferno victory.
Were I you, I’d start making arrangements to see them next Sunday at 9:30 at Magnet. But that’s just me.
Happy Monday!
SATURDAY
* You know how the Post loves to criticize folks like Oprah for having the audacity to show the face of that lady who got mauled by a chimp (which they put on their cover twice)? Well, today’s headline is H-OLÉ! and it runs beneath a full-page photo of bullfighter Julio Aparicio with a bull’s horn piercing his throat — and sticking out of his mouth. Just what I wanted to see this morning. Sigh.
* The New York Racing Association is threatening to cancel this summer’s thoroughbred racing season unless Albany gives them “an emergency loan of up to $25 million.” I wonder how much money Saratoga Springs would lose if the NYRA makes good on their threat…
* A JetBlue pilot who “threatened to kill himself ‘in a spectacular fashion’” (in an e-mail to his ex-girlfriend) was arrested in a crew lounge at Logan Airport just prior to his scheduled flight. He was carrying a gun. Feel safer yet? Me, too.
* A grand jury has decided that Brenddy Garcia, 19, was justified in killing those two people on a 2 train in March. He said it was in self-defense and they agreed. Bernie Goetz 2.0.
* William Morris, 81, of East Northport, has been sentenced to 30 days in prison for shooting a squirrel with a BB gun in his backyard. It isn’t clear how the squirrel got the BB gun.
* After reporting (on their front page!) that a mole scampered in front of Obama during his speech in the Rose Garden, page 7 is devoted to debating whether it was a mole or a vole or a rat. Report first, ask questions later.
* Beaches in Louisiana have been closed on account of the oil that’s started washing up on them. But don’t worry — BP promises that they’ve got it all under control. Nothing to see here. Move along.
* More Toyotas (Lexus LS sedans) are being recalled. Pretty soon, everyone will recall owning a Toyota (before selling it and buying from a different company).
* Rich Lowry’s A Strong Cup of Tea paints Rand Paul as “the first major candidate who strains the bounds of the plausible.” But he also speaks highly of him. Who’da thunk it?
* David N. Bossie’s Kagan Wants To Squelch Our Speech is about how Elena Kagan’s “role in the landmark free-speech case brought by Citizens United” is proof that she is against free speech. Fun Fact: David N. Bossie is the president of Citizens United.
* Dan Aquilante saw Pearl Jam at Madison Square Garden and laments that “there was no video projection system… so the majority of the audience was denied any real visual detail. Did [Eddie] Vedder contort his kisser into the ugly face when he sang “Severed Hand” early in the set?” Doesn’t he do that for every song he sings?
* The Yankees won and Tampa, Boston and Toronto lost. Is this the beginning of the Yankee resurgence we’ve been waiting for?
* Great photo on page 57 of Mets fans and Yankees fans brawling in the stands at Citi Field. $20 says the Mets fans started it.
SUNDAY (before I got the paper)
There’s a nice piece on the Huffington Post about broadcaster Chris Berman’s recent apology to the people of New Orleans, which said (in part), “It will always be a special place to me and my family, and I certainly would never want to offend the people of this terrific city. I wish you and every citizen of New Orleans nothing but my very best and I hope the entire city can forgive me and accept my deepest apology.”
And what necessitated these sentiments? On Monday’s episode of the Dan Patrick Radio Show, according to the piece, “Myers talked about the flood victims in Tennessee pulling together to help themselves, instead of standing on roof tops and blaming the government – an obvious reference to Katrina victims.” Here are his actual comments:
“It’s a great country here. We have disasters issues when people pull together and help themselves and I thought the people in Tennessee, unlike — I’m not going to name names — when a natural disaster hits people weren’t standing on a rooftop trying to blame the government, okay. They helped each other out through this.
And Mike Helton, president of NASCAR, Tony Stewart, among some drivers went from the race over to the middle Tennessee area where still a lot of hardworking, tax-paying, legal American citizens have been affected by the floods and are trying to rebuild their lives and they are helping out. And I think that other people around the country, of course the music industry in and around Nashville helping, without making a big deal out of it and I think that’s a good thing.”
Bonus points for some of the above being coherent sentences. Can you guess which media outlet Mr. Myers works for? I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with Fox Sports.
SUNDAY (back from the bagel shop with horrible newspaper in tow)
Today’s front page informs us that the Mets beat the Yankees (5-3) and that Andrew Cuomo has (are you sitting down?) announced that he’s running for Governor of New York. Can you guess which of these stories is more surprising to the majority of New Yorkers?
Researchers at Texas Tech claim that asthmatics are 30% less likely to get ovarian cancer than non-asthmatics, and kids with airborne allergies are 40% less likely to get leukemia (ACHOO AWAY CANCER: Allergy sufferers duck a deadlier woe).
I just went to Texas Tech’s website. The second “NEWS” story on their front page is “Librarians Prove Michael Jackson Was a Rock Star in Academic Literature.“ Their researchers could claim that my name is Jed and I’d still insist on a second opinion.
In Bam’s daze of the weak, Michael Goodwin complains that “Democrats in Congress gave [Mexican President Felipe] Calderon a standing ovation after he repeated his denunciation [of Arizona's new immigration law] at the Capitol. It was a shocking display of anti-Americanism of the kind routine in Mexico City, but wholly inappropriate in the halls of Washington. I’m surprised nobody thought to burn an American flag.”
I’ll never get tired of the “if you disagree with me, you’re un-American” arguement that the brightest minds of the right (Goodwin, Sarah Palin, Rand Paul, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, the homeless guy who sits on the bench across the street from our house, Lester Maddox, Jesse Helms, etc.) cling to like barnacles.
I’m surprised nobody thought to push Michael Goodwin down some stairs.
Mexican authorities can’t seem to find reality TV producer Bruce Beresford-Redman. He’s the guy who’s suspected of murdering his wife and stuffing her corpse in a sewer near the hotel they were staying in.
The police want to call him in for questions, but he’s disappeared. Hmmmm… you think he might have paid off some cops to look the other way so that he could skip town? Naaaaaah.
(although that gives me a great idea for a reality show… The Fugitive 2.0…)
The Post has crunched the numbers and figured out that A-Rod was at his most productive (home run-wise) when he was involved with Joslyn Morse (a stripper he saw between March and May of 2007). He had his best batting average when he was with his ex-wife, though.
The Post has no room to cover the floods in Tennessee, but loads of space to break down how Rodriguez was hitting while screwing his wife (.304, 1 home run in every 16.8 plate appearances), a stripper (.293, 11.7), Madonna (.301, 16.5), Kate Hudson (.286, 17.8), and Cameron Diaz (.298, 31.2).
Highly commendable.
Speaking of Madonna, Sharon Oreck has written a book (Video Slut) about the music videos she produced over her illustrious career. In it, you’ll learn that “a gang of transvestites stormed the set” of Janet Jackson’s “Nasty” video, demanding $50 or, “we are going to flash you.” Oreck diffused the situation by giving them “200 American dollars, some really cheap fried chicken and 10 complimentary six-packs of Joe Cola” (branded by Janet’s father!).
You’ll also learn that, during the “Like A Virgin” shoot, a 1,600-pound lion almost attacked Madonna “because she was menstruating. The beast sniffed around her midsection for 10 minutes until he was ‘enticed away with a choice hunk of unrefrigerated horse meat.’” It is unclear how the lion could tell the difference.
Without going into too much detail, I am happy to report that my theory (that the titles of thrillers and horror movies that begin with the word “Don’t” have little to no bearing on the actual movie) is now 11-1. Take a bow, Don’t Say A Word! The only exception to date is Don’t Go In The House.
I will now watch Don’t Bother to Knock starring Richard Widmark (as someone named Jed!), Marilyn Monroe and Anne Bancroft.
It looks like the pilot was to blame for the airplane that crashed in India on Friday, killing 166 people.
How come when people die it’s the pilot’s fault, but when no one dies it’s because God performed a miracle? It’s like how athletes thank God for their victories but never blame God for their defeats.
Personally, I believe that God is solely responsible for my lack of winning lottery tickets, the fact that we’re out of milk, and the popularity of Two and a Half Men.
A German study has found that “men who are happier than their wives have a greater risk of divorce.”
Luckily, everyone who lives in Germany is miserable.
Are people in Prospect Park training pit bulls for dogfighting? The Brooklyn DA’s Office believes so.
That makes me very angry. Especially since God is to blame.
Peggy Noonan’s OUR LIVES LAID BARE opines that, with the advent of services like Google Street View, We’ve lost our privacy, and with it, our humanity. Oh, Peggy. You lost your humanity years ago.
Great news, fans of Tori Spelling! After the mild success of her autobiography, sTORI Telling, she has written another book about her life (including her bout with the swine flu and her time on jury duty!). What could it be called… The Second sTORI? TORI! TORI! TORI!? TORIble?
All good guesses, but no. Uncharted TerriTORI hits stores on June 15th. Presumably with a thud.
The second and third films (not to mention an English version of the third book) in “the Millennium Trilogy” (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest) haven’t been released in the US yet, but Hollywood is already working on the American remake(s).
If the first film (which I saw) is any indication, a more interesting movie to make would be one based on the story of the current legal battle over the partial rough draft of the fourth book in the series, which the (dead) author’s heirs found on his laptop. The Book That Interested Millions Despite Its Three Prequels Being Over-the-Top Rape-Filled Techno-Drivel?
Holy shit.
Years ago, I was one of the five leads in a movie called No Sleep ’til Madison. Since then, I’ve seen two of the other leads achieve fame (Jim Gaffigan has headlined sitcoms and is an incredibly popular stand-up comic, and Michael Gilio became an award-winning screenwriter) and watched TJ Jagodowski cement his (richly deserved) status as one of the world’s greatest improvisors (watch Trust Us, This Is All Made Up for proof). But what of Ian Brennan?
Turns out he’s the creator of the TV show Glee. Hilarious.
ASK ASHLEY!
Every time I’m at the gym I see cute girls, but I don’t know how to approach them. Do girls even want to be picked up at the gym? — Gary, 34, West Village
ASHLEY: “When guys who I’ve never seen before at the gym come up to me and say, ‘You’re beautiful. Can I take you to dinner sometime?’ I always say no. You shouldn’t really go around asking out random girls just because you think they’re cute. You don’t want to be known as That Guy, do you?”
ME: “Don’t ask them out in the gym. Wait until they leave the gym and then immediately run up to them shouting, ‘Hi! I was watching you get sweaty just now and I want to go on a date with you! Go out on a date with me!’ Then burp.”
I’m heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I got involved with someone who I later found out is engaged. He told me he fell in love with me, but cannot break his engagement. I know this makes me a horrible person, but I don’t want to end things with him. He marries in a couple of months, but wants to continue our relationship. Is there a chance he’d just be with me? — JJ, Manhattan
ASHLEY: “I know how you’re feeling, and it’s not a good feeling. I’ve been there before, only he wasn’t getting married — he was married. It’s never a good situation… Go to the store, get a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s and give yourself a week to be sad. Then, give yourself another week to be angry. Finally, pull yourself up, dust yourself off and focus on YOU. Go to the gym, go out with your girlfriends and have fun.”
ME: “You’re an idiot.”
I can’t stand my friend’s girlfriend. I try to be civil when she’s around, but I really think he’s wasting his time with her. How do I handle this maturely without sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong? — Scott, 23, Astoria
ASHLEY: “The only thing you can do is confront the situation, express your concerns and hear him out. There’s a chance you’ll open his eyes to things he doesn’t see. But be prepared to have him open your eyes to things you don’t see.”
ME: “It sounds to me like you want to be your friend’s girlfriend. Embrace your homosexuality and start a new life in Chelsea.”
Larry Getlen discusses how the line “I’m Spartacus!” from Stanley Kubrick’s Spartacus has popped up in various other movies and TV shows over the years, but he doesn’t include my favorite version.
Eric Douglas (son of Kirk, brother of Michael) was a (mediocre) stand-up comic in Hollywood. He had a bit of an (undeserved) ego and, from what I’ve heard, was a pain in the ass to work with (despite having almost no success in his career). One night, he was bombing on stage and the crowd stopped paying attention to him. He screamed into the microphone, “Hey! Shut the fuck up! Do you people know who I am? I’m Eric Douglas!”
A man in the back of the room stood up and replied, “I’m Eric Douglas!” Then someone else did it. Then someone else. Then someone else. One by one, the entire audience followed suit as Douglas angrily stormed off.
Don’t Bother To Knock? More like Don’t Hire A Babysitter Without Checking Her References!
12-1.
The Yankees and Toronto lost, Tampa and Boston won. We’re five games behind Tampa, Toronto’s two games behind us, Boston’s one and a half games behind Toronto.
Tonight it’s Sabathia vs. Santana. In 2009, Sabathia’s ERA against the Mets was 1.29 (he pitched one game against them). Santana pitched one game against the Yankees and his ERA was 27.00.
We need this one, guys. We’re playing the Twins next and they’re not nearly as comically inept as the Mets.
Francisco Cervelli has been a welcome edition to the Yankees. I like him a lot as a player. In today’s interview with Steve Serby, he lists his favorite movie as… Wedding Crashers.
I still like him. As a player.
Dog Court is at the Magnet Theater tonight at 9:30. Not coming to the show is the same thing as punching a baby. Are you a baby-puncher?
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