Archive for May 31st, 2010

Three For The Price Of None!

31st May
2010
written by jed

SATURDAY

* Gary Coleman died. The Post’s headline was DEAD!? WATCHOO TALKIN’ ‘BOUT?: Troubled ’80s child star Coleman’s life is cut short at 42. Get it? Cut short? The two-page feature also includes the curious sentence: “In 1993, Coleman told a television interviewer that he had twice tried.” The previous and following sentences offer no further context — did they forget to include the word “suicide” at the end? But my favorite line belongs to Todd Bridges: “It’s sad that I’m the last kid alive from the show.” Like most of America, Todd has forgotten about Danny Cooksey:

Danny Cooksey

* New York Yankee Nick Swisher is engaged to Gossip Girl’s Joanna Garcia. Fun fact: She used to be engaged to Trace Ayala (Justin Timberlake’s business partner).

* BP CEO Tony Hayward on the Top Kill plan: “We have wrestled it to the ground, but we haven’t put a bullet it its head yet.”

* Heidi Montag is reportedly divorcing her husband of one year, Spencer Pratt. A “source” tells Page Six (today on page 10) that Montag “is freaking out. Spencer is determined to control her, and she just can’t take any more. She says she wants out, but she is terrified because she has very few friends. And she has convinced herself she’s going to be a major movie star.” Heidi is in for a number of rude awakenings. Great plastic surgeries, though. (SarcMark)

* Remember Captain Barry Gelbman, the NYPD officer who ordered that three horses be euthanized rather than move them to a retirement farm? An NYPD internal inquiry has cleared him of wrongdoing. The system works!

* Police in Jamaica are still looking for Christopher “Dudus” Coke, but they did arrest two of his associates, George Phang and Justin “Stingy” O’Gilvie. Stay tuned for more ridiculous names.

* Stephen Griffiths is accused of murdering three prostitutes in England. He told the court that his name is “the crissbow cannibal.” The Post’s mediocre article doesn’t explain whether the prozzies were killed with a crossbow and/or eaten.

* A Dutch study has proven that “gaydar” works. “The gays among [the test subjects] paid more attention to detail, making them likelier to spot like-minded peers.” Fascinating.

* A federal judge has officially ended “Governor” Paterson’s imposed-furlough plan. I told you so.

* A man in the Dominican Republic took too many erectile-dysfunction pills and got a 27-hour erection. When he went to the hospital, he was informed that gangrene had set in and that they’d have to amputate his penis. Which, ironically, gave him major erectile dysfunction.

* Mayor Bloomberg on the opposition to the building of that mosque near Ground Zero: “What is great about America and particularly New York is we welcome everybody, and if we are so afraid of something like this, what does that say about us? Democracy is stronger than this. You know [sic] the ability to practice your religion was one of the real reasons America was founded. And for us to just say no is just, I think, not appropriate is a nice way to phrase it.” I agree with the egomaniacal billionaire.

* The Yankees beat the Indians 8-2 and Tampa Bay lost. Now we’re 3 1/2 games back. Robinson Cano went 3-for-4 (including a grand slam). Curtis Granderson is back, so Randy Winn has been designated for assignment.

* Andy Richter is in talks to host a remake of the $25,000 Pyramid. “Unnecessary… a bad idea… a waste of Richter’s immense talent…” (things someone who read this might say).

SUNDAY

The Top Kill method of stopping the oil leak in the Gulf was a failure (MUCK UP: Plan Z? Another BP oil leak fix fails). BP has some more “ideas” but they might make the leak worse. Current estimates are that the leak will continue through August. BP Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles’ response? “This scares everybody, the fact that we can’t make this well stop flowing.” And by can’t, he means won’t.

For more infuriating details on how BP is “helping” to “contain” the oil, read this.

I really and truly hope that BP executives are brought up on multiple criminal charges.

A couple was cleaning Prospect Park’s lake of trash and fishing lines when they discovered turtle traps.

Let this be a warning to any turtle poachers in Prospect Park: My wife will kill you if she catches you. And I will help her feed your corpses to the ducks.

You know that brand-new $421,000,000 court building in the Bronx that opened in 2008? Well, some of the glass walls are now boarded up (with wooden planks! like a pirate ship!), courtroom doors are broken, some stairwells are roped off and the lower levels are infested by sewer flies. Oh, and the ceiling of below-ground parking garage is sinking.

I guess $421,000,000 doesn’t buy what it used to.

“The Vatican’s prosecutor of clerical sex abusers [JEDITOR'S NOTE: He's the Catholic equivalent of the Maytag repairman.] warned yesterday that they would suffer damnation in hell that would be worse than the death penalty.”

That may be true, but I’d still like them to also get the death penalty.

There were a few things I was going to make fun of in Michael Goodwin’s newest column, but I think this one item (reprinted in its entirety) will suffice:

How many geeks to fix a leak?

More nonsense from the faculty lounge. As evidence of his team’s engagement in the Gulf oil disaster, President Obama said that Energy Secretary Steven Chu — a Nobel Prize winner! — assembled a bunch of brainiacs in Houston to find answers. Well, well. If Nobel winners have a knack for plugging leaks a mile underwater, we’re in good hands with Obama and Chu. Then again, I suspect a knowledge of plumbing isn’t held in high esteem by the Nobel crowd.

Goodwin’s wife is the President of Hunter College. Do you think she appreciates his mockery of the Nobel Prize (and intelligence in general)? Could these “brainiacs” do any worse than BP? Should we ask morons for help instead?

Michael Goodwin is a shameless prick.

Word on the street (according to Page Six — today on page 10) is that Russell Brand is refusing to do any interviews to promote his new movie Get Him to the Greek “unless the interviewer goes on record as having liked Get Him to the Greek first.”

Based on the trailer I just watched, I don’t expect to see any promotional interviews with Russell Brand any time soon.

Dennis Hopper is dead.

Rest in peace, Dennis.

How many times do I have to warn you guys? If you are a drummer in an indie band (especially in Brooklyn), your life is in danger. Beau Velasco (The Death Set)* died (in Brooklyn) in September. Jerry Fuchs (Maserati, !!!) fell down an elevator shaft (in Brooklyn) last November. Troy Young (Curious Mishap)* was found dead in his apartment (in Brooklyn) in December (of a gunshot wound to the head). Devon Clifford (You Say Party! We Say Die!)* died on stage (in Vancouver) last month.

Now comes Williamsburg’s Nicholas Blossom (Alaska Alaska), who fell off of a third-story balcony in Chelsea and impaled his head on a spiked metal fence. He was rushed to the hospital with a section of the fence “still attached to his scalp.” But get this — he’s expected to pull through. That’s rock and roll.

*Bonus points for having highly appropriate band names.

If anyone can explain the following sentence to me, I’d greatly appreciate it.

“Hundreds of gorgeous blond women marched arm in arm in the capital of Latvia to cheer up workers who had lost their jobs in the economic slump.”

Yesterday’s paper explained that Obama didn’t really do anything illegal (or different from any of his predecessors) when Bill Clinton offered Joe Sestak a job (on Obama’s behalf) if he dropped out of the primary against Arlen Specter. Which is why Rich Lowry has a full-page story today titled Psst, buddy [sic] want a (legally murky, not at all a bribe, oh so innocent) job?

Fun fact: Rich Lowry is the editor of National Review and once wrote (on seeing Sarah Palin’s first debate against Joe Biden), “I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, ‘Hey, I think she just winked at me.’ And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America.”

MTA board member Nancy Shevell complained about the amount of paid time off bus drivers get for being spit on. “I don’t envy anyone that gets spit on… but their recovery time is getting strung out for months.”

At least that’s what I think she said (it’s hard to tell as she never removes Dame Paul McCartney’s old man junk from her hateful maw).

Kyle Smith didn’t enjoy Sex and the City 2 and uses that film to reveal that America “soft-pedals repressive Islamic law.” Referencing the hullabaloo surrounding the Ground Zero mosque, Kyle writes, “If bin Laden was reading the news this week, he must have had a good laugh. And a pang of doubt. Why am I spending all this effort on jihad? Why am I living in a cave? I could have a penthouse on Fifth Avenue. I could have made more progress toward a pan-Islamic world with a decent flack. Why didn’t I realize how easily Americans will gladly drop their supposed ideals if you call it ‘tolerance’?”

I take solace in the fact that Kyle Smith had to sit through all of SATC 2.

Too soon?

Peggy Noonan’s STRIKE THREE! explains that With the oil spill, Obama shows — again — how detached he is from Americans.

“The disaster in the Gulf may well spell the political end of the president and his administration, and that is no cause for joy… That it is his fault is no comfort.”

I guess Peggy hasn’t been reading her own columns for the last year and a half.

In honor of Memorial Day, John McCain names All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque as his favorite book, calling it “One of the best war novels of the 20th century.”

Michael Riedel tells the story of “the most expensive musical in history” (Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark). It’s budget is now $52,000,000 (give or take). The main villain is Arachne (a female character created by director Julie Taymor and writer Glen Berger), but “he also battles… the Green Goblin, Carnage, Electro, Rhino, Swarm, Lizard and Swiss Miss, another villain created by Taymor and Berger. Swiss Miss has rotating knives and corkscrews for limbs.”

I guess $52,000,000 doesn’t buy what it used to (it used to buy character names that aren’t also powdered hot chocolate companies).

ASK ASHLEY!

My ex constantly makes out and gropes people in public. I think it’s an insecurity thing, but he seems to thrive off of it. It’s obnoxious and I want him to stop, but I don’t want him to think I’m jealous. It’s more like I’m embarrassed — for him. What should I do? — Mike, 30, New Jersey


ASHLEY: “The only thing you can do is be the adult and talk to him. Say something like, ‘I know we’re not together anymore, but I feel really uncomfortable when you start making out with someone else in front of our friends — and most of all, in front of me. What you do in your private life is your business, but I don’t think I — or any of our friends — need to witness it in public. We’re lucky that we can be friends and all go out and have a good time, but to act like you do is silly and disrespectful.’”

ME: “Let me get this straight… your ex is a man and you’re also a man? How is that even possible?”

I hooked up with this girl, but I’m more interested in her friend. The friend knows — and likes me — but doesn’t want to hurt her friend even though I ended things a while ago. Now what? — Joe, 22, Fresh Meadows

ASHLEY: “How long has it been since you ‘hooked up’ with her friend? If it was recent, you probably don’t have a chance with her friend. In fact, you may not regardless.”

ME: “Don’t worry about it, Joe. Your problem is nothing compared to the last guy — he loves another man! Seriously!”

I realize this question will seem completely absurd and stereotypical, but I’m gay and honestly don’t get why gay people listen to such crappy music. I mean, club music? All the time? Expand your horizons! — Aaron, 30, Los Angeles

ASHLEY: “It’s not only the gays. I go to plenty of mixed house parties where they play techno and pop songs all night. But I don’t get it either. Whatever happened to Jack Johnson, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Bob Marley? The older I get, the more I have a deeper appreciation for music that makes me feel something — other than just wanting to shake my booty!”

ME: “OK, is this some kind of joke? I looked up ‘gay’ online and apparently there is a large group of people who are attracted to their own sex. Is this like WarPigsMovie.com? I mean, this has to be a joke, right? More importantly, did the hooker just ask ‘Whatever happened to Jack Johnson?’ Really? Screw this, I’m going to Moe’s.”

Marmaduke opens this Friday. Their ad already has two positive blurbs (and neither is Pete Hammond!).

“Terrific. Marmaduke is a treat!” — Patty Spitler, WTHR-TV/Indianapolis

“The perfect family summer comedy.” — Joel Amos, Sheknows.com

Sounds great!

Alex Rodriguez hit a line drive into the head of Indians pitcher David Huff (he was taken out of the game, but is perfectly OK), but the Yankees eventually gave up their 6-run lead and lost 13-11. David Robertson was taken out of the game after three pitches, because his back tightened up. Tampa Bay won, so we’re back 4 1/2 games again.

But the best baseball story of the week (if not the year) belongs to the Angels’ Kendry Morales. He hit a walk-off grand slam in the 10th inning yesterday and rounded the bases in fine form. When he arrived at home plate, he jumped up in celebration — and fractured his lower left leg upon landing. He will undergo surgery today. If he was on my team, I’d be pissed.

TODAY

THE BIG OOZY points out that hurricane season starts tomorrow and Louisianans (Louisianians?) are facing a “slime wave.” It also credits “experts” with saying that the damage to the environment is “permanent.” And BP’s next big plan risks making the spill far worse.

So. Frustrating.

In their opening weekends, Sex and the City 2 made $32,100,000 (#2) and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time made $30,200,000 (#3). The critically-reviled Shrek Forever After made $43,300,000 (retaining the #1 slot).

Is this what all those soldiers died for, people?

In a related story, MacGruber dropped to #9 with $1,477,000 (total box office to date: $7,127,000).

Cindy Adams is on vacation reads the banner on page 12.

Hmmm…

A British poll found that men tell an average of three lies a day and women tell an average of two. The poll also deduced that men and women tell the most lies to their mothers.

Maybe that’s how they do it in England, but I would never lie to you, Mom.

(one down, two to go)

This is why I don’t eat at JFK Fried Chicken.

A 39-year-old female customer was told by an employee that he wanted to “hit that.” Then he whipped out his, er, drumstick and two sides, and spanked her rear. The employee (Mohammed Itayim, 28) apologized and said it was an accident (well, three accidents to be more accurate) and the woman left.

But Itayim followed her outside, tried to kiss her and slapped her rear again. He was later arrested and charged with forcible touching. But (oddly) not for waving his naked, er, corn on the cob ‘n’ biscuits, around an allegedly hygenic food preparation area.

The Yankees won (7-3) and Tampa Bay lost. So we’re back only 3 1/2 games again.

The 6-1 Andy Pettitte will start for today’s game which starts… now.

The Post reports that one of the cast members of Basketball Wives was arrested during the taping of the reunion show. The nine-paragraph article never mentions the network the show airs on. Which is the kindest thing the Post has ever done for its readers.

John McCain now claims that he has never recommended All Quiet on the Western Front to anyone.

And that’s the last three days in a nutshell. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s nice out and my wife has the day off.

I wish you all a somber (b’also festive) Memorial Day.

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