Archive for May, 2010
They’ve begun removing the bus stops in my neighborhood. The lines aren’t supposed to stop running until June 27th, but this morning I saw two men removing the B69/B75 stop from in front of the Windsor Cafe. After reading Crain’s article yesterday about how the MTA can’t justify $500,000,000 in overtime, this makes me sad. Not for me as much as for all of the elderly folks in my neighborhood. Park Slope is on a (what do you call that again? oh, right) slope and I’m seen old folks ride the bus for a block and a half rather than try to walk it themselves. They will soon have no choice.
Whoever represents these constituents should be ashamed that they were unable to convince the MTA to not screw them over. But enough about that. Let’s get to today’s paper (and today’s movie, Don’t Go In The House).
Three headlines today. The top half of the cover is devoted to the three-game Subway Series (Yankees vs. Mets) that begins tonight, the bottom left corner announces Mole discovered at White House (can you guess what this headline means?), and the rest is about the 376 points that the Dow dropped yesterday (FEAR!: Dow in staggering dive fueled by Euro & Bam-plan jitters). Apparently, there’s a chance that the Euro might be going the way of the Dodo (at least in some European nations) and that, coupled with the passing of new Wall Street regulations, is doing serious damage to our stock market. Maybe.
As for that mole? It’s an actual mole (animal not spy) and it wasn’t in the White House, rather it ran in front of the podium in the Rose Garden that Obama was speaking at yesterday.
Well played, awful newspaper.
The protagonist of Don’t Go In The House is a disturbed man whose mother used to discipline him with fire when he was young (to “burn the evil out of him”). After an accident at work (his co-worker was accidentally covered in flames and all our hero could do was watch in awe), he goes home to find his mother died in her sleep. This makes him go even more coo-coo in the co-co and he decides to listen to the voices in his head, which tell him to do whatever he wants (now that he’s free from his domineering mother). So, he constructs a steel-plated room in their house where he can burn random women to death. He convinces the first one to go in the house and she winds up being burned alive (to death). The second one accepts a ride with him and agrees to let him drop stuff off at his house, but we don’t know whether she entered by choice or not.
Will the other women willingly go in the house? Stay tuned!
Mosque’s historic woe claims that the building that an Islamic group wants to turn into a 13-story mosque is under landmark protection. Directly underneath that piece is Steve Cuozzo’s Oh, stop this inane hysteria already! I was prepared for another “I don’t want no towelheads anywhere near Ground Zer0!” editorial, but Mr. Cuozzo offered me a pleasant (and welcome) surprise.
“Call me an al Qaeda stooge — but count me out of the hysteria over plans for a new mosque and Islamic community center two blocks north of Ground Zero… A stink over a relative pipsqueak of a project is ridiculous in a city facing real threats by Islamist butchers. If we’re afraid of a mosque with a swimming pool on top of it, we might as well save time by adopting sharia law now… The real insult to those who died on 9/11 is not a mosque that Ground Zero visitors won’t even know is there, but how long it’s taking to rebuild the WTC — an affront that can’t be blamed on Islam at its most maniacal.”
I’ve always enjoyed Cuozzo’s food criticism (he also writes about real estate, but I rarely read that stuff). This makes me like him as a person, too.
Vito Fossella said he will “take a short period of time to properly consider [running for re-election] with loved ones, friends and supporters.”
And by loved ones, he means his family and also his secret second family.
The city is cutting over 5,000 seventh- and eighth-graders from their yellow buses come September (they’re trying to trim $3,400,000 from their budget). The booted students (3,000 in Staten Island, 900 in Queens, 900 in Brooklyn and 450 in the Bronx) “can get free or discounted MetroCards for public transportation.”
Which is fair… assuming there will still be buses in their neighborhoods in September.
The Mets are giving away tickets to the Subway Series to former season-ticket holders, in the hopes that they’ll become season-ticket holders again. B’also? There are still plenty of seats still available for purchase.
When your New York stadium can’t sell out of your tickets for a match-up between the Yankees and the Mets? You gots mad problems, yo.
Robert Lopera of Connecticut was arrested on May 11th at JFK Airport. He had just flown in from Medellin, Colombia on a one-way ticket (that he paid for in cash). Customs and Border Protection noticed that his pistachios and Ferrero Rocher chocolates were “unusually heavy.”
He had filled them with $500,000 worth of cocaine.
It was such a great plan, though. I mean, who’d have thought that customs would search people flying in from Medellin for cocaine?
Movie update: Two women just agreed to go in the house. I think my theory has finally found an exception!
Megan Fox says she chose not to be in Transformers 3, but Michael Bay says she was fired.
I wish both of them would choose not to be on Earth.
Mayor Bloomberg has gone on the record regarding the NEW YORKERS and TOURIST lanes spraypainted on various streets around the city.
“It certainly says something for our feeling for tourists. They want to show that they’re willing to give up some space to have people that come here and support our industries.”
Uh… not sure that’s the artist’s intent, but OK. Bloomberg went on to say “It’s a nice thing to do.”
I’m pretty sure that, if the cops stop the artist while doing it again, this is the equivalent of a get-out-of-jail-free card.
It’s official. Don’t Go In The House disproves my theory. The people in the film (for the most part) voluntarily go into the house. If they didn’t, they’d still be alive. Ergo, the title is sound advice.
10-1.
The movie is also surprisingly well-made and entertaining (if you like horror movies about crazy people that immolate innocents).
Somebody stole five paintings from the Paris Museum of Modern Art yesterday: a Braque, a Matisse, a Leger, a Modigliani and Picasso’s “The Pigeon with the Peas.” The museum’s security system was “faulty.”
Estimated retail value: $112,000,000.
(Though the thief will probably sell them to you for far, far less)
Someone working on the set of The Smurfs was rushed to the hospital after a 30-foot fall yesterday. They are at Bellevue in stable condition.
Everyone who thinks The Smurfs is a good idea should also be in Bellevue, but in a different wing.
There’s a photograph of Julie Bowen, 40 (Modern Family) double-breast-feeding her twins on page 21 (CHECK OUT MY ‘TWINS’).
The photo is almost a year old. She showed it on Lopez Tonight on Wednesday.
Still no word on how Nashville is doing. Or what Souder did.
Remember Michaele and Tareq Salahi? Well, they tried to crash another state dinner at the White House (again while Bravo filmed it).
They’re disgusting. Bravo, moreso.
Scientists have generated a new lifeform using lab-generated DNA.
Take that, God!
The photo that accompanies today’s Bill O’Reilly column is of Van Jones. The caption reads, “Jones: Not the only radical loon to join the administration.”
Can you imagine what O’Reilly would be like if he used spin?
Crude oil is down to $68.01 and Citigroup is at $3.63.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives Shrek Forever After one star (“Instantly four-gettable.”), MacGruber half a star (“No defusing this bomb”), and Perrier’s Bounty one and a half stars (“A comedy that forgot to install the funny”).
Lou Lumenick gives Solitary Man three stars (“Potent dark comedy.”) and two stars to Holy Rollers (“a bit of a snooze”). Fun fact: Both films star Jesse Eisenberg.
V.A. Musetto gives Two in the Wave two stars (mature themes), and John Rabe two stars (gore, violence, nudity). Why didn’t he like the movie with gore, violence and nudity more? “[the director] allows for just one lead Chinese character, a camera-toting schoolgirl played by Zhang Jingchu.” That also explains why he didn’t give it one star.
Pete Hammond calls Shrek Forever After “THE BEST COMEDY OF THE YEAR!”
The Yankees got swept by the Rays (thanfully, it was a two-game series) and are now 5 games behind them (and just one ahead of Toronto).
Swisher was back in the lineup last night and went 1-for-4.
Mark Hale compares the Yankees and Mets are deduces that the Mets have the edge in left field and both teams benches are equal. He gives the Yankees the edge in ever other category. With Tampa Bay playing the (awful) Houston Astros, I hope he’s right.
The Parents Television Council is demanding that CBS change the title of their upcoming sitcom $#*! My Dad Says. Good luck with that, people with far too much free time.
MTV’s Liz Gateley explains why they’re making a Teen Wolf TV show. “We loved the conceit of the original film and knew the title had a great hook.”
The original film’s conceit was that a teenager learns he comes from a family of werewolves (with comical results). The MTV show features a teenager who gets bitten by a werewolf while helping the police search for a dead body.
Well, she’s right about the title, anyway.
Das ist alles.
I’ll be performing in Let’s Have A Ball at the UCB Saturday night (at 7:30) and in the Inferno on Sunday at the Magnet (9:30). Why not stop by and laugh hysterically?
Today’s cover is a full-page photograph of Barack and Michelle Obama as she “lovingly plucks a stray eyelash” from her husband’s eye before last night’s state dinner (EYE LOVE YOU). The follow-up is on pages 10 and 11 and features insightful commentary on the menu and Michelle’s dress.
Still not a single piece on Nashville or Mark Souder (I already checked today’s paper just to be sure).
Most of page 3 is taken up by Walk this way, NYers. Someone has painted a white line down the center of the sidewalk between East 22nd and 23rd on Fifth Avenue and labelled one side NEW YORKERS and the other side TOURISTS.
I remember a few weeks ago when the artist who did this and I (and others) had a conversation where we debated which side should belong to the tourists. We agreed that tourists window-shop more than residents. And I’ll give the name of the artist who did this to the highest bidder.
Wal-Mart is pulling from its shelves “an entire line of Miley Cyrus-brand necklaces and bracelets from its shelves after tests performed for the AP found the jewelry contained high levels of the toxic metal cadmium.”
Fun Fact: The AP requested that the jewelry line be tested for cadmium in February. It was and it tested positive. In February.
Please. Stop. Shopping. At. Wal-Mart.
Page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which today is on page 14) discusses the recent upsets in various elections (Voters in both parties unite to give Capitol hell and Be afraid, all you incumbents). Page 7 shows Richard Blumenthal held a 55%-32% lead against Rob Simmons and a 52%-39% lead over Linda McMahon. Yesterday the numbers shifted so that Blumenthal is now 50%-39% against Simmons and 48%-45% over McMahon.
Moral of the story? I’m glad I don’t live in Connecticut.
And Churlie Hurt’s fawning Once-sneering big shots must now give ‘Tea’ service insists that the Tea Party has proven itself to be a powerful force in politics. His proof? The rise of Scott Brown, the downfall of Charlie Crist and the nomination of Rand Paul (who thinks businesses should be allowed to bar certain races from their stores). Is there even an actual unified Tea Party? Besides the one who said that Islamic terrorists worship a monkey god?
I always said that the next American civil war would be race-based.
Los Angeles’ city council voted to boycott Arizona over their new immigration law. Arizona responded by pointing out that 25% of L.A.’s electricity is provided by Arizona. They demand that L.A.’s boycott be called off or they’ll “encourage Arizona utilities to renegotiate your power agreements so Los Angeles no longer receives any power from Arizona-based generation.”
Ay-yi-yi.
Mandrea chastises Pat Buchanan for complaining that “If Kagan is confirmed, Jews, who represent less than 2 percent of the US population, will have 33 percent of the Supreme Court seats. Is this the Democrats’ idea of diversity?”
But she also applauds the planned removal of the MTA’s V line.
And she also complains that the aunt of “our millionaire president” has been granted asylum.
And she also complains about mosques some more.
And that’s Andrea Peyser in a nutshell.
And you know what belongs in a nutshell? Nuts.
Therefore, Mandrea is nuts. Case closed!
Floyd Landis has finally admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs during his years as a professional cyclist. And he says that Lance Armstrong did, too.
I bet Lance would give his right nut for Floyd to shut up.
Oh. Right. Sorry.
Kendrick Bass, 32, has been an FDNY firefighter for six and a half years. He met a 14-year-old through a phone dating service.
On January 15th, he sowed up — in uniform — at her high school and told a school secretary that he was the girl’s uncle and he needed to take her out of school for the day. The secretary called the girl’s grandmother and confirmed that Bass was not her uncle.
Bass has been suspended without pay after his arrest on Monday (on the charge of endangering the welfare of a child).
Not attempted kidnapping or anything sex-related. Terrific.
Five more words to bring a smile to your faces: Cindy Adams is off today.
France is imposing a $185 fine for any woman who wears a full-face Islamic veil in public.
Sarkozy reasoned that the French government has a “moral responsibility” to “uphold traditional European values in the face of an increasingly visible Muslim population.”
Do you hear that, Islamic terrorists? France is totally throwing down the gauntlet! Go after them and leave NYC alone!
Kevin Costner (yes, that Kevin Costner) has met with BP and they’ve agreed to use his company, Ocean Therapy Solutions, to try to clean up the Gulf of Mexico spill.
Acting, directing, playing in a rock and roll band, cleaning up oil spills… is there nothing he can’t claim to be able to do?
The GOP has decided to back Vito Fossella as their candidate for his old job.
He lost his job when his 2008 DWI arrest revealed that he had a secret second family (seriously).
Now that’s what I call family values!
Perez Hilton is being offered $20,000,000 for his Web site.
Thus disproving karma.
Toyota is recalling four models of Lexus (Lexuses? Lexi? Lexa?) due to steering problems.
Your move, Le Car.
Goldman Sachs posted profits for itself every single day in the last quarter. But seven of their nine “recommended top trades for 2010″ were money losers for their investors.
That seems about right, no?
The Yankees are now 4 games behind the Rays. They beat us 10-6 last night.
Pettitte (5-0, 1.79 ERA) will pitch tonight. We need to start winning again (we’ve lost 6 of our last 10). But that won’t be easy…
Posada is out for up to a month (hairline fracture in his right foot), joining Granderson, Swisher and Johnson. Oh, and Marcus Thames, too (sprained left ankle).
Is it just me or does this happen every season?
Is Eliot Spitzer becoming a panelist on a new CNN show?
Well, if his hooker can get her own advice column…
There’s no Starr Report today, so I can’t tell you which publicist is in town or where that actress you never heard of ate lunch yesterday.
Time to finish making stew.
(not a euphemism)
Happy Thursday!
Today’s front page is almost entirely devoted to “Governor” Paterson’s head photoshopped onto Captain Kirk’s body (the paunchy Shatner version) under the headline CAPT. IRK! (Sub-headline: In distress signal from alien planet Albany, Gov. Dave shrieks: ‘Beam me up Scotty‘). The “story” is that, in exasperation yesterday, Paterson “groaned” (groans are equivalent to shrieks now?) the aforementioned line (although I’m sure he included the comma between “up” and “Scotty”) because no one in Albany is any closer to passing the state budget. They even include a small photo of James Doohan as Scotty! LOL!
The rest of the cover is a sidebar on Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal (Conn. man! Pol’s Viet lies).
In 2003, he was speaking at a rally when he said, “When we returned [from Vietnam], we saw nothing like this [public support]. Let us do better by this generation of men and women.”
In March of 2008, he said, “We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam.”
Also in 2008 came, “When we returned from Vietnam, I remember the taunts, the verbal and even physical abuse we encountered.”
Guess who enrolled in the Marine Corps Reserve, got five deferments and spent the Vietnam War in Parris Island, South Carolina (here’s a hint: Richard Blumenthal). But what’s worse is that he’s calling these quotes “totally unintentional.”
Blumenthal (a Democrat) was considered a shoo-in for Chris Dodd’s seat in the Senate. Who knows how this will affect his numbers?
And could Joe Lieberman lose his title as the biggest scumbag in Connecticut politics?
46% of the lights on the Cross Bronx Expressway and the Cross County Parkway don’t work. 43% on the Henry Hudson Parkway don’t work. 38% on the Major Deegan don’t work.
Just like your tax dollars.
The arts and events space Collective Hardware in the Bowery has been padlocked and the tenants are facing eviction. They allegedly owe $1,000,000 in back rent.
Will an androgynous millionaire save them at the last minute? And will their story be adapted for film as Breakin’ 3: The Triumphant Return of Lucinda Dickey? Stay tuned!
John Travolta and Kelly Preston announced that Preston is pregnant again.
I wonder who the father is.
Arlen Specter lost his primary. Will he pull a Lieberman and run as an Independent? Or will he drag his 80-year-old ass off the public stage and into the sunset? Stay tuned!
Michael Goodwin praises The New York Times (!?) for exposing Democrat Richard Blumenthal’s “totally unintentional” lies about his military service (TIP OF THE CAP TO THE GRAY LADY). Does he mention what’s going on with Republican Congressman Mark Souder of Indiana? You know, the abstinence proponent who cheated on his wife with (at least) one of his staffers (he abstained from abstinence!)? Nah.
He does have a piece titled The price we pay as Bam bows to madmen, though. Apparently, Obama is going to get us all killed. Duly noted.
Faisal Shahzad went before a judge yesterday and nothing blew up, no one was killed, the Heavens didn’t rain blood and, at least for the time being, the Constitution of the United States of America remained (relatively) intact.
According to Page Six (today on page 13), Shia LaBeouf (French for Shia the Beef) isn’t content with bad-mouthing Transformers 2 – he has equally critical things to say about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. “[Steven Spielberg] dropped the ball… I just felt sort of pigeonholed. We were trying to enforce innocence on an audience that wasn’t willing. You can’t force things, you know?”
That one’s got a bright future, he does.
Cindy Adams reveals herself as the ultimate Post employee.
Barbara Walters called her from the hospital and said, “‘Today’s the first day I could read your column, and your item on Princess Firyal’s children’s book isn’t correct.’ Like I care.” Does she go on to correct the mistake? What do you think?
Only in this weak excuse for a newspaper, kiddies. Only in this weak excuse for a newspaper.
Tiger Woods’ wife (for now), Elin Nordegren has enrolled at Rollins College in Florida.
Hmmm… paparazzi aren’t generally allowed on school campuses… and they’re great places to meet strapping young men… hmmm…
Josephine Pantano, 80, claims that a city bus ran a red light on May 30, 2007 and hit her car. She went through weeks of painful rehab and now walks with a limp and a cane. A jury just awarded her $10,000,000.
Which means the MTA will probably have to remove some more bus lines.
A geometry teacher in Alabama decided to teach his class about angles by planning the assassination of President Obama.
1) This has nothing to do with the fact that the POTUS isn’t a Republican and isn’t White.
2) I am amazed that to learn they teach geometry in Alabama.
Looks like Bernie Madoff’s wife (who swears that she had no idea what her husband was doing, honest!) was still keeping his books just two years before his Ponzi scheme was publicly revealed.
Their kids must be so proud (and, possibly, accessories).
Crude oil dropped to $69.41 and Citigroup dropped to $3.73/share.
Yesterday morning, Marcus Thames was a hero. This morning, he’s a scapegoat.
The easy pop-up he dropped in the eighth inning wouldn’t have ended the inning (there was only one out), but maybe the Red Sox wouldn’t have tied the game (they started the eighth down 5-1 and Chamberlain gave up four runs — his ERA is now 4.91). Mariano got the loss (he gave up two more runs in the ninth — his ERA is now 1.46) and Boston won 7-6. They are now 20-20. We are 25-14 and three games behind the Rays, who we play tonight and tomorrow.
But then we have three games against the Mets (who have won 2 of their last 10 games).
Baseball is giving me heart palpitations.
If Page Six’s disabled cousin and Larry King had a baby, he’d be Michael Starr.
“Jessica Lowndes (90210) at the Wildfox Fall 2010 Collection fete (1Oak)… Congrats to Paul Boyd (Inside Edition) and wife Amanda on the arrival of Nathan Thomas… Michael Urie at Covet Lounge (E. 55th).”
“How should we announce the birth of our child?” “Oh, just send a quick e-mail to Michael Starr. He’s a brilliant wordsmith. And maybe the news will wind up sandwiched between the activities of two Q-list celebrities!”
It’s Hump Day! So, get humpin’!
SJP: The greediest woman in showbiz
Yanks shock Sox!
POI$ON IVY
The first headline refers to how Sarah Jessica Parker “wants movie millions, freebies and more of your money!” Which seems to me like the Post is taking an anti-capitalist/pro-socialist stand against greed. Incidentally, does this mean that Sarah Palin is the greediest woman in politics?
The second headline will be further explained (joyously) when I get to the sports section.
The last headline refers to Adam Wheeler’s unlikely admission to Harvard. He told the prestigious school that he wanted to transfer from MIT (he never went there, but he was expelled from Bowdoin in 2007 for “academic dishonesty”). He also told them he got a perfect score on his SATs while at Phillips Academy (he never went there, either). So they admitted him and awarded him scholarships and writing awards while enrolled there (his winning submissions were all plagiarized). It was only when a professor at Harvard noticed Adam’s Fulbright and Rhodes scholarship applications “claimed straight A’s at Harvard and were chock full of numerous books he co-authored, lectures he had given and courses he had taught.”
I am amazed that the Post didn’t try to somehow blame Elena Kagan for this.
This is Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina. Dina is 47 years old.
This is Lindsay Lohan’s new girlfriend, Indrani. Indrani (she’s on the left) is 36 — 11 years younger than Dina.
This is Lindsay Lohan. She is 23 — 13 years younger than Indrani.
This is Kate Major (standing next to her ex-boyfriend, Jon Gosselin). Kate is 27 — 4 years older than Lindsay and 9 years younger than Lindsay’s girlfriend (and scheduled to marry Michael Lohan, 49, later this year).
This has been a public service message from The Chlamydia Society.
“Governor” Paterson attended the opening of a new section of Hudson River Park yesterday, where he said, “This kills me to stand here in a park knowing that I have probably closed down 41 parks and 14 other cultural sites and reduced funding for seven others.”
1) If only.
2) There’s no probably about it. It happened before Paterson spoke.
Bernie Kerik is off to prison. He will now be known as Prisoner No. 84888-054.
He wrote on his blog that he “prepared his daughters, Angelina, 7, and Celine, 10, for his incarceration by watching the movie Rocky Balboa with them.”
He should be going to prison for that, too.
Faisal Shahzad says he intended to also blow up Rockefeller Plaza, Grand Central Terminal, the World Financial Center, and the headquarters of defense contractor Sikorsky (which is in Connecticut). And if he wasn’t monumentally stupid, he just might have pulled it off.
1,800,000 “Auto Fire” toy dart-gun sets have been recalled from Family Dollar stores around the country. It seems that a 9-year-old boy in Chicago and a 10-year-old boy in Milwaukee each died after swallowing the suction-cup end of the dart.
Why they gotsta ruin it for the rest of us? Why can’t we just put a “DO NOT DISASSEMBLE AND EAT” sticker on the packaging?
John Runowicz, a former administrator at NYU’s Chemistry Department, has pleaded guilty to pocketing $400,000 in a “a bizarre phony-invoice scheme.” Apparently, he’d pull stacks of alcohol receipts out of the trash at Warehouse Wines on Broadway and submit them to the bursars office. But they never looked at the actual receipts, they just reimbursed Runowicz. For the alcohol that other people bought with their own money.
I wonder how many of the employees in the bursars office are Harvard graduates.
Rep. Patrick McHenry (R – NC) proposed a measure on March 2nd which would redesign the $50 bill with Ronald Reagan replacing Ulysses S. Grant.
A Marist College poll shows that 79% of those polled are opposed to this (12% were supportive and 9% were “unsure”).
83% of Democrats polled were opposed, as were “more than 7 in 10 Republicans.”
I’m just glad that McHenry found the time to focus on such an important issue, what with all of the other minor things going on in America.
Is your iPad not instilling enough envy in those around you? Fret not, wealthy hipster! Stuart Hughes has designed 10 Supreme Edition iPads for the “most elite” individuals. “The tablet’s rear and screen surround are covered in 22 carat gold, and there are 53 individual diamonds set in the Apple logo.”
And how much does this gaudy symbol of ultimate decadence sell for? $187,000.
iHopenobodybuysone.
Ashley Johnson, 22, complained on Facebook about a couple she waited on at Brixx Pizza in Charlotte, North Carolina, calling them “cheap” (they left her a $5 tip after sitting at the table for three hours). A couple of days later, Ashley was fired.
The moral of the story is: If you expect big tips, don’t work in a pizzeria. And also, shut up.
The hundreds of abandoned MTA subway cars that were used to form a reef off the South Carolina shoreline have been steadily attracting sea turtles, who frequently eat and sleep in them.
Which means that, at any given moment, sea turtles in South Carolina are having better luck finding a subway train than I am.
Oil from the Gulf of Mexico has reached the Florida Keys in the form of tar balls.
What say you, Brit Hume?
Well said, moron.
John Travolta’s two dogs were run over on the tarmac in Bangor, Maine, shortly after Travolta landed his plane there.
No word yet on how this has affected his e-meter readings.
The Supreme Court ruled that juveniles cannot be sentenced to life in prison without parole for crimes other than murder. Boo. I mean, what if they’re sexually dangerous?
Oh. They also ruled that “sexually dangerous” inmates can be indefinitely incarcerated after their prison terms are completed. Yay!
In 2007, Special Agent Wilfred Rattigan (of the FBI) and his family arrived at a Midtown Tunnel toll booth and handed the attendant five crumpled up dollar bills.
“Dude, you can’t come up here with folded money and give it to me,” replied TBTA Officer Daniel Bell. Rattigan disagreed. Eventually, Bell, his supervisor and eight other TBTA cops surrounded Rattigan’s vehicle with their guns drawn.
Rattigan just settled his federal lawsuit for $95,000 (in non-crumpled bills, I’d imagine).
Fourth-grader Hannah Estes was at Disney World with her family when she noticed a typo on one ride’s countdown clock — “one seconds.” She wrote a letter to Disney officials explaining, “I learned in Ms. Bennet’s class that a singular number can’t be with a plural word.”
Three days later, Disney had her assassinated.
“Residents of an upscale condo [in Baltimore] are voting on a plan to gather the DNA of every resident’s dog to identify the perpetrator who’s leaving piles of poop on the grounds.”
The Wire was cancelled too soon.
Rich Lowry believes that Elena Kagan’s long-standing opposition to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is proof that she hates the military.
I believe that Rich Lowry is silly.
General Motors has become profitable again ($865,000,000 in its first quarter) and plans to re-open nearly 700 showrooms across America. Thus proving that government takeovers are evil.
Crude oil has dropped to $70.08 and Citigroup is down $0.12 to $3.86/share.
At the end of the first inning, the Yankees led Boston 5-0.
At the end of the second inning, it was 6-1. At the end of the fourth, it was 6-2. At the end of the fifth, 7-5. After six innings, it was 7-6. And at the end of eight innings, the score was 9-7 with Boston in the lead.
With Papelbon pitching, A-Rod hit a 2-run homer to tie the game. Then Papelbon hit Cervelli, allowing Marcus Thames’ home run to end the game 11-9.
But it isn’t all good news. Posada took a foul ball off of his right foot (he’s “day-to-day” now), joining Granderson (groin), Johnson (wrist) and (according to this terrible newspaper) “Steve Swisher” (left biceps strain) in Injurytown.
Sabathia faces Beckett tonight. Yay, baseball!
Curb Your Enthusiasm will be filming most of their next (and final?) season in New York City (and not Los Angeles).
Says Susie Essman, “For seven seasons, I’ve been schlepping out there. Now I get to sleep in my own bed. Let them stay in hotels.” I love her.
I went to the endocrinologist with Teresa this morning, which is why today’s entry is so late.
Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.
G’night!
Today’s entry in my continuing horror movie experiment is Don’t Wake the Dead. The narration at the beginning explains that a group of the Knights of the Templar were murdered in Germany “in ancient times.” The sole surviving knight cursed the grounds of the castle where they were killed, allowing his fellow knights to rise from the dead every 66 years (on the eve of the anniversary of their murder), but only if blood is spilled on the cursed ground. They’ll remain alive until the following morning. The acting is incredibly bad.
Some women have gone to stay at the castle (I guess their friend owns it?) and a man in the cowboy hat has just intentionally stabbed his hand as part of a ritual, spilling blood on the ground. Looks like he’s trying to… wake the dead! Or is he?
This is a really bad movie, despite the multiple zombies-slaughtering-Nazis flashbacks.
Today’s front page features Mike Vaccaro’s conclusion that the Mets must fire [their manager Jerry] Manuel at the top, but the bottom 75% is devoted to SLASH & SPURN.
Hiram Monserrate has “dumped” Karla Giraldo. I guess, now that she’s testified that he didn’t slash her face on purpose (or drag her by the hair), he has no further use for her. The Post also has a photo of the New York State Senate business card he’s been handing out to attractive women. He crossed out the contact info (as he doesn’t work there anymore) and replaced it with his new number. The Post covered it with a black bar, but you can see through it.
So, if you’d like to date Hiram, just call 718-340-8080.
Movie update: Oh, the cowboy hat guy (he’s a monk!) wasn’t trying to wake the Knights of the Templar, but the creepy butler just stabbed him and so the Knights (and some Nazis, for some reason) are all rising from the dead! And I think I saw a child vampire! And if a Nazi rapes and/or kills you, you become a zombie! I have no idea what’s going on!
In Brooklyn, 298 bus stops will disappear on June 27th. That’s 52% of all Brooklyn bus stops.
I loathe the MTA.
“Governor” Paterson is now threatening to eliminate 10,000 state jobs if his furlough plan doesn’t go through.
I know what you’re thinking — “didn’t he sign a no-layoff pledge with public employee unions last year?”
Yes, he did. And now he’s saying that it’s “not legally binding.”
Are you sure you won’t run again, Magoo?
Kim Hoyoung, 32, and Edwin Paulino, 25, both graduated from the Police Academy in 2008. They were both assigned to the 32nd Precinct in Harlem. And they had both been drinking when they decided to bring four women over to Hoyoung’s house from a “boozy birthday bash” — at 6:30 a.m. yesterday morning.
The two cops are now dead, the four women (who were all “ejected from the back seat”) are all in serious but stable condition. One of them has a fractured spine and broken leg.
No one should drink and drive (b’especially the police).
Page 8 includes 9/11 families blast Kagan, which alleges that Kagan played “a key role” in quashing the lawsuit 9/11 families were trying to wage against the Saudi princes who funded Osama bin Laden. Kagan cited “the potentially significant foreign-relations consequences of subjecting another sovereign state to suit.”
She was citing the Foreign Sovereign Immunity Act (which became a law in 1976 and which the Holy See invoked during their numerous cases relating to child abuse — thanks, Wikipedia!). The Supreme Court declined to hear the case (which leads me to believe that she was correct in her citation, HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that she was taking the side of the Saudis).
Surprisingly, there is no allusion to homosexuality in this article (though the Peyser/Page 21 and Editorial/Page 25 leads me to believe I’ll read at least one or two in the near future).
Flights are getting cancelled again because that Icelandic volcano is spewing ash again.
Thus disproving global warming.
Endicott Meats claims that Gordon Ramsay has no intention of paying the $190,000 in meat bills he ran up with them.
If I were a contestant on the upcoming season of Hell’s Kitchen and Ramsay started yelling at me, I might be tempted to bring up his penchant for stiffing vendors.
“Hey, big boy, yeah? You ever pay Endicott Meats what you owe them, yeah? You Welshing Scotsman.”
The bottom half of page 13 is an ad for Inside Edition. It reads:
THE PLOT TO BLOW UP TIMES SQUARE
WHAT IF IT HAD ACTUALLY GONE OFF?
THE EXCLUSIVE DEMONSTRATION
Keep a pen handy, terrorists!
Cindy Adams ends today’s column with “Only in York, kids, only in New York.”
To be fair, she lived here back when it was called York.
A Japanese man and woman were married yesterday in Tokyo. By a robot.
You’ve still got it, Japan!
(and by it, I mean dementia)
Mandrea comes through!
That photo of Kagan playing softball is prominently featured underneath the headline, A hit with lesbians.
“Softball-playing sisters and lipstick lesbians who gather in Brooklyn’s Park Slope have suffered years of intolerance, leading to a grudging acceptance. But now, life and style choices favored in gay corners of the Slope have become, remarkably, fashionable. Chic, even.” Fun Fact: Chic means fashionable.
Mandrea goes on to interview lesbians at Ginger’s Bar (on 5th Avenue), which she describes thusly: “Walking into Ginger’s is to tread into stereotype (dark paneling, pool table, karaoke).” That describes almost every straight bar I’ve ever been in. She also describes one of the women she encountered at Ginger’s as “militant.”
“Among the softball players of Brooklyn, Elena Kagan wil always be one of the girls.” And Ms. Peyser will always be one of America’s ugliest women, inside and out.
Richard Brookhiser’s A SUPREME COURT WITHOUT A WASP laments that Kagan’s appointment would give the SCOTUS three Jews and six Catholics, but no Protestants. Yes, Richard, but compared to America’s Buddhists, Muslims, Atheists, Hasids and Agnostics, I’d say you guys have had a pretty good run.
Holly Sanders Ware’s Biggest TV drama: upfront ad sales discusses what the major networks’ fall schedules will look like.
“For ABC, the big question mark is what will replace Lost, which is ending this Sunday. The network could plug in either Flash Forward or V, but neither has performed as well as hoped.” Actually, Holly, FlashForward (no space) was officially cancelled last week. The big question mark is why you didn’t know that.
Jell-O has hired Bill Cosby to executive-produce their new “Hello Jell-O” campaign.
“In return, Jell-O will sponsor Cosby’s new weekly Web series called OBKB in which he interviews children in the style of the classic show Kids Say the Darnedest Things.”
OBKB? From the guy that tours the country chastising Black teenagers for slouching and using slang and wearing baggy pants? OBKB? Yikes.
Movie update: The monk and one of the women are having sex, but I don’t know why. The zombies and Nazis and Knights of the Templar are now in the castle listening to a shitty band (of zombies) and dancing. And yet, this isn’t a comedy. Well, not on purpose anyway.
Mariano took the mound in the 8th inning. The bases were loaded and the Yankees were up 3-1.
He walked Jim Thome. Then he gave up a grand slam. The Yankees lost 6-3.
He’s still the best closer in baseball. Everyone’s allowed an off day. His ERA is now 1.59. Expect it to go down over the next few months.
Phil Hughes has an ERA of 1.38 and a 2010 record of 5-0. He’ll pitch tonight against the Red Sox, who are back at .500 and in 4th place in the AL East.
The Mets have lost five in a row (so that’s why Manuel needs to be fired!). Somewhere, Willie Randolph is chuckling.
The Post asked “celebrities” what movie they can’t say no to (the one you’ll stop channel surfing for and watch any time it’s on). For me, it’s A Christmas Story (not that they asked me).
Brian Williams : The Godfather.
Meredith Vieira: The Wizard of Oz and Sex and the City.
Judge Judy: The Sound of Music.
Jeanine Pirro: Gladiator.
Sherri Shepherd: Gladiator.
Steve Wilkos: Papillon (!).
Williams and Wilkos win.
OK. The movie is over and I have no idea what just happened. I do know, however, that the protagonists did not wake the dead. They just happened to be there when they were woken up by a Nazi (who is a butler and also a vampire, I think). So, while the title is sound advice in general, it doesn’t really pertain to (most of) the characters in this movie.
10-0.
Dog Court won last night at the Magnet Inferno. I like those guys. They make me laugh.
Enjoy your Monday and I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.
SATURDAY
* Today’s front page is a two-fer. The top half is a photo of a grinning Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeouf at the Cannes premiere of Wall Street 2 (Greed is still good) and the bottom half is a photo of a not-smiling Charlotte Lewis (co-star of The Golden Child), who claims that Roman Polanski “sexually abused me in the worst possible way when I was just 16 years old” (‘ROMAN ABUSED ME, TOO’). The former story continues on (all of) page 3, the latter gets most of page 7. Lou Lumenick gives a fawning description of Oliver Stone’s sequel; Charlotte Lewis describes being raped in Polanski’s apartment during rehearsals for Pirates in 1982. Guess which movie studio is releasing Wall Street 2. I’ll give you a hint: It’s owned by the same (possibly gay) Australian who owns this “newspaper.”
* Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver “insinuated yesterday that Gov. Paterson is dragging his feet on a state budget deal because he fears he’ll become a lame duck once it’s done.” Uh, Sheldon? I’m pretty sure he’s already there.
* The Taxi and Limousine Commission has determined that 45% of their fleet (or 21,819 drivers) took part in that overcharging scandal of a few months back. 545 of them did it between 50 and 499 times, and 88 did it over 500 times. Which is completely unfare.
* New FBI documents claim that Walter Cronkite “secretly helped antiwar protesters in the 1960s.” Cronkite’s son responded, “It doesn’t have the ring of a reliable story to me.” But that’s the way the FBI claims it was.
* You know that Second Avenue Subway that the MTA started working on in the 1940s? Well, they started working on it again yesterday. They say it should be completed by December 2016. Why do I have the feeling that’ll miss that deadline?
* “The gates at 41 parks and 14 historic sites will be locked starting Monday” because of the current budget crisis. See, Sheldon? Could a duck get any lamer?
* Arnold Brown, 41, was installing Time Warner Cable in the apartment of John Alexander, 55, when Alexander asked him to move some cords out of the way. That (somehow) turned into “a screaming match” that resulted in Brown grabbing a hammer and hitting Alexander on the head with it. Alexander’s lucky he didn’t order the triple play.
* Why did Devi Silvia, 33, throw her 19-month-old daughter into the Hudson River? “To get back at her husband.” I wonder if she’ll plead insanity.
* Shia LeBeouf on Transformers 2: “When I saw the second movie, I wasn’t impressed with what we did. There were some really wild stunts in it, but the heart was gone. [Transformers 3] restores the human element that got lost in the second movie.” Thank God.
* Vanessa Redgrave lost her daughter (Natasha Richardson) last year, and her sister (Lynn Redgrave) and her brother (Corin Redgrave) in the last few months. She attended the Rainforest Fund Concert at Carnegie Hall on Thursday and Page Six (today on page 10) reports that “Elton John made a touching show of support for grieving Vanessa Redgrave, dedicating a song to her” at the concert. The song? “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues.” That’s touching?
* Russell Crowe stormed out of an interview with BBC’s Mark Lawson after Lawson had the audacity to tell Crowe that his accent in Robin Hood sounded a little Irish. Crowe called Lawson’s observation “kind of ridiculous” and Lawson replied by asking, “You were going for Northern English?” and Crowe replied, “No, I was going for an Italian, yeah. Missed it? Fuck me.” Then he left. He’s terrific.
* Sidney Wray, 37, went into the Citibank on Columbus and 82nd Street at 2:40 on Friday and gave a note to the teller demanding cash. Realizing what was happening, a bank employee walked half a block to the 20th Precinct and told police there about the robbery. Wray was placed under arrest in what might be a new world record.
* Michelle Malkin’s Immigration Idiocy a Boon to Jihadis points out that the two men who were recently arrested in connection to Faisal Shahzad’s almost-bombing of Times Square shouldn’t have been in the United States. “One was here on an expired visa, The other was on the loose while an immigration court adjudicated his deportation-and-removal order. He’d reportedly been ordered deported in 2002, yet managed to embed himself in American society for more than seven years.” Does Malkin fault the Bush administration (who were in charge before, during and for seven years after 9/11) for dragging their feet on national security by not cracking down on people like these? Of course not. Instead, she ends her column with “Which version of the Constitution is Team Obama reading?” because, if you really think about it, it’s their fault.
* Patrick Perry of Staten Island writes in to praise Mandrea for demanding that there not be a mosque anywere near Ground Zero. “Everything I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11.” Jesus Christ would be very proud of you, Patrick.
* Crude oil fell to $71.91, down another $2.49. Citigroup fell $0.11 to $3.98/share.
* I’m trying to think of the last time a beloved TV series ended and provided a final episode that satisfied fans. M*A*S*H? Newhart? Six Feet Under? I have a feeling the Lost finale will be less like them and more like The Sopranos and St. Elsewhere.
* The Yankees won (thanks, in part, to A-Rod’s grand slam) and the Rays lost.We’re now 1 game behind in the AL East. Fun Fact: The last time the Twins won at Yankee Stadium was July 4, 2007. They were also 0-10 against the Yankees in 2009.
* Shaquille O’Neal says he’d consider signing with the Nets, but only if they stay in Newark. This inspired me to announce that I will play for the Dodgers, but only if they stay in Brooklyn.
* The Wanda Sykes Show has been cancelled after one season.
SUNDAY
Beatriz Briceno, 19, accidentally dropped her jacket onto the tracks at the 36th Avenue station in Astoria. She decided to retrieve it, despite the oncoming N train. Her friend, José Gomez, 29, jumped down onto the tracks to help her. It took almost 30 minutes to get them out from under the train. Gomez is dead, Briceno is in critical condition.
Did you people learn nothing from the Lifetime Original Movie, The Justin Grace Story, starring Tina Yothers as Justin Grace?
In the EXCLUSIVE SHORT ON ALLAH DOLLARS, the Post claims that the Muslim group that is behind the projected $100,000,000 religious and cultural center near Ground Zero might not have the money to go forward. That’s a relief. Just the thought of fomenting tolerance makes my teabags boil.
Michael Goodwin’s OUTED AS ELIOT’S PAL explains that friends of Elena Kagan are “trying to debunk rumors” (perpetuated by this very paper) that she’s gay by stepping forward with stories of her various dates with men over the years. “Among those vouching for her is pal Eliot Spitzer… The randy Love Gov’s history might help settle the sexual issue but Kagan’s choice of friends casts doubt on her judgment. Pick your poison!”
That’s right. Being gay is poison. Even having people think you’re gay is poison.
Michael Goodwin is poison.
Lindsay Lohan threw another drink at someone (model Jessica Stam) at 1Oak the other night, this time because she wanted the table that Stam and her friends were sitting at.
Remember when she was cute? Me neither.
Cindy Adams is off today.
Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Kyle Smith’s The Fat and the Furious is accompanied by a hilarious cartoon depicting Michelle Obama in a cop’s outfit (complete with a hat that says FAT POLICE on it) physically assaulting a chubby boy (causing him to drop his cheeseburger, soda and bottle of Heinz). Yeah, fuck her for trying to help with the obesity epidemic in this country!
You may also remember Kyle Smith from his many articles that discuss how disgusting it is to use plus-size models in ads and magazines (“Over at V magazine, the most recent save-the-whales picture layout features a herd — sorry, group! — of semiclad plus-size models.”).
Kyle Smith is terrific.
TEMPORARY INSANITY is a large piece (all of pages 26 and 27) on how “Thousands of young people flood into New York every year with short-term visas and few prospects” and asks “Who’s keeping track of them?”
Totally valid questions, but (as with Malkin) I find the timing of the asking odd. Surely this was also a problem during the last administration, no?
(by the way — SPOILER ALERT — the answer to the question about who’s keeping track of those young people is no one [of actual consequence])
ASK ASHLEY!
(only two letters today — I guess her editor didn’t have time to write more)
I finally met a girl I really like, but she’s a horrible kisser! There’s physical and emotional chemistry, but we’re just not in sync when it comes to kissing. What’s a guy to do? Is this fixable? — Gary, 38, East Village
ASHLEY: “If the chemistry is there emotionally, I believe you can get the kissing there as well. You just have to be patient.”
ME: “You have physical and emotional chemistry, but aren’t comfortable telling your partner how you like to be kissed? And you’re 38? I don’t believe this (your inability to speak your mind, not your partner’s inability to psychically discern how to kiss you) is fixable.
I’m single for the first time since being diagnosed with an immune deficiency illness a few years ago. It’s not something you’d know from looking at me, but I do take medicine daily. As I begin dating, how and when do I bring it up? — Cara, 28, Prospect Heights
ASHLEY: “Just the other night a friend was telling me about another friend who’s HIV-positive. Apparently, he was dating someone and, before they got physical, he opened up about his disease. Well, the person flipped out and said the most hurtful things to my friend’s friend — all for being honest and mature!… I would go on at least a few dates with the person before you describe your situation.”
ME: “The above response is precisely why you shouldn’t ask a hooker for advice of any kind. She tells you about her friend’s friend who wasn’t forthcoming with his medical situation and how his eventual revelation angered the person he was dating. Her advice, then, is to do exactly the same thing — let the person envision a future with you before you (possibly) shatter their perceptions. Should people in your situation wear a scarlet letter and hang your collective heads in shame? Of course not. But, assuming this is a transmittable disease, don’t you think it would make more sense to be honest as soon as possible and get it out of the way? Were I in Ashley’s friend’s friend’s partner’s position, I would feel betrayed if, after a few weeks of getting to know Ashley’s friend’s friend, he said, ‘Oh, by the way, I’m HIV-positive.’ In my humble opinion, that’s honest, yes, but hardly mature.”
The Yankees won again (but so did the Rays). Andy Pettitte is now 5-0. And Posada is 7-for-12 over the last four games (including three doubles and a home run).
Nick Johnson “may need wrist surgery” and might be out “at least 4-6 weeks” if he does. I am shocked (insert SarcMark here). On the pus side, we should be getting Chan Ho Park back from the DL today and Curtis Granderson is also on the mend.
And Randy Winn just hit a two-run triple in the second inning of today’s game, giving the Yankees a 2-1 lead.
Hondo remarks “Between Elena Kagan and now Rev. Glasspool [the second openly-gay bishop to be ordained by the Episcopal Church] it’s starting to look like this could be the year of the ’softball player.’” Pick your poison, Hondo! And then ingest it!
And that’s that.
If you are able to make it to the Magnet Theater (254 West 29th Street) tonight at 9:30, I (and Dog Court) would greatly appreciate it. It’s just $5 a ticket. But you’ll get at least $6.25 worth of laughs.
But until then, enjoy this gorgeous weather!
Tony Millionaire is one of my favorite cartoonists. Sometimes he makes videos like this one.
(he’s the ice cream vendor)
Last I heard, the Our Gang folks had claimed copyright infringement (seriously). But I found it on YouTube without a problem. You can find more silliness (including Fun With God, starring Tony as God) at zeememe.blogspot.com.
Happy Saturday!
Iron Man 2 was pretty mediocre. It had some great special effects, but they were lightly sprinkled on an overlong movie that was mired in an overly complicated plot that makes less sense the more it is scrutinized (Tony Stark’s father arranged the buildings in his expo in such a fashion so that, 30 years later, his son would be able to manipulate the blueprint into a 3-D model of an undiscovered element which would save his life from the disease he didn’t yet have). And (forgive my old man/comic book nerd nitpicking) Tony Stark is a charismatic pompous scumbag. Downey plays him as a pompous scumbag.
And I sat through a seemingly endless credit sequence so that I could see (part of) Mjolnir? That’s it? Just the hammer? No Thor? No glimpse of Captain America (besides the old comic book in Howard Stark’s giant suitcase)? No Hank Pym cameo? No hint of who The Avengers’ adversary will be? Phooey.
What a difference a day makes.
Yesterday, the Post mentioned the 8-year-old Dutch boy who survived a Libyan airliner crash (which killed everyone else on board). Today, he’s nine years old (though he remains Dutch) and on the cover (LITTLE BOY LOST). He is awake, but still doesn’t know that his entire family died in the crash.
And the same newspaper that reprimanded Oprah for showing footage of the chimp-maul lady (and running a photo of the chimp-maul lady on their cover TWICE) has a nice full-color photo of 9-year-old Ruben van Assouw, battered and bruised and hooked up to numerous tubes, on today’s cover. Very tasteful. At least his family won’t be offended by it.
Movie update: I’m wondering if Don’t Look Now refers to all of the footage of Donald Sutherland naked.
The MTA is responding to complaints about their weekend shutdowns of some subway lines (like, say, the F) by considering completely shutting down the lines (or “massive segments” thereof) until repairs are finished. Which, if history is any indicator, would be never.
MTA CEO Jay Walder asks (rhetorically, I’m assuming), “Would it make sense in some circumstances to stop running a line for a short period of time and get in there and do a lot of work very quickly and really get it done?”
Here’s my favorite part of the article, though: “Walder’s comments came as the state and city comptrollers said they are investigating whether the MTA is really doing track work during some of the weekend disruptions.”
I would very much like to know what the comptrollers find out.
Heinz is lowering the salt content of their ketchup. This is the first time in 40 years that they are changing their recipe. But don’t worry — the high fructose corn syrup remains.
And how does Joe Oliva, 80, of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn feel about this?
“I think it’s infringing on our rights!”
Congratulations, Fox! That’s another American who wrongly feels his rights are being taken away!
The farmland where Field of Dreams was shot has been put up for sale.
James Earl Jones is not included, but Kevin Costner is.
Hiram Monserrate has agreed to drop his lawsuit against the folks who expelled him from the state Senate.
He remains an abusive waste of oxygen.
Law & Order has been cancelled.
That leaves Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: London, and the forth-coming Law & Order: Los Angeles. And the 170 syndicated episodes of Law & Order that are aired every day on TNT.
(gung gung)
Page Six (today on page 12) claims that Kate Hudson is furious at Cameron Diaz for hooking up with Alex Rodriguez. “A source close to Hudson” says, “Kate thinks Cameron is an aging old-lady actress struggling to remain sexy and relevant.”
And yet it was Hudson, 31, who got breast implants.
Page Six also reports seeing “a schlumpy Quentin Tarantino waddling down Greenwich Avenue sporting a plumber’s crack, arm-in-arm with a hefty gal.”
$20 says the “gal” was John Travolta.
A hotel in Abu Dhabi has installed in its lobby a gold-plated vending machine that dispenses 1- 5- and 10-gram gold bars. It also dispenses gold coins.
All of a sudden, I want to fly a plane into their building.
(cue Harry Chapin’s Cat’s In The Cradle)
Who Audits the Auditors? is an editorial that thinks it’s a waste of time for the state and city comptrollers to look into whether or not the MTA is doing the work they say they are doing while stranding tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of straphangers (who have already purchased their weekly or monthly MetroCards).
A better question would be Who Edits the Editors Who Write the Editorials?
Sleepy’s LLC (the “Mattress Professionals” that hold the same one-day-only sale in all of their stores every single day) is suing Macy’s because Macy’s is using “Ask Our Mattress Pros” and “Factory-Trained Mattress Professional” in their stores. Sleepy’s calls that copyright infringement.
Here’s something Teresa and I learned from buying a bed from Sleepy’s: Their price guarantee is a farce. Don’t get me wrong, we’re very happy with our bed and we got a pretty good deal, but the mattresses they sell are exactly like their competitors… except they have different model numbers. So when you say, “This bed is $100 cheaper at Macy’s,” they say, “No, that’s a different bed.”
Which is why I find it amusing that they’re suing Macy’s. I’m still waiting for the class action lawsuit aginst them.
Movie update: This marks (at least) the third time I have seen Don’t Look Now. I still have no idea what it means (Donald Sutherland saw his wife attending his funeral on the canal because he had second sight? The old lady dwarf [who still creeps me out] was in his church photo because she was destined to kill him?), but I can now definitively say that the title is meaningless.
My theory is now 9-0 and I am almost out of movies with Don’t in the title.
The price of crude oil has fallen to $74.40? Really?
Am I crazy or doesn’t the fact that millions of gallons of it are being spilled into the Gulf of Mexico as I type this mean that the demand will be greater than the supply in the near future?
Maybe I just don’t understand commodities (though I enjoy buying pork).
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives three stars to Just Wright (“Queen Latifah scores with uncommonly intelligent rom-com”), two and a half stars to Daddy Longlegs (“has a certain dark charm if you can put up with very jittery camera work and editing”), two stars to Touching Home (“surprisingly watchable”) and one star to The Living Wake (“a terminally whimsical vanity project”).
Kyle Smith gives one star to Letters to Juliet (“Eat Pray Hurl”) and three stars to Looking for Eric (“A mashup of Nick Hornby and Martin Scorsese? Why not?”).
V.A. Musetto continues to confuse me by giving three stars to Entre Nos (mature themes), two stars to Here and There (mild violence), one star to Timer (profanity, sexuality) and one star to Princess Kaiulani (sexuality). Maybe he’s angry at the sexuality for not being nudity?
Pete Hammond calls Robin Hood, “A triumphant success! Spectacular epic moviemaking at its best in the tradition of Gladiator and Braveheart.”
Michael Riedel reports (cattily) that Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark will go into rehearsals this summer and open in November. Patrick Page will replace Alan Cumming as the Green Goblin. Riedel estimates that the musical has a production cost of roughly $50,000,000.
Surely they’ll make that back, right? On a Spider-Man musical? Right?
The Yankees lost 6-0 yesterday. We trail Tampa Bay by 2 now (we’re 22-12, they’re 24-10).
The Twins are also 22-12 and we play them for the next three days, then two games against Boston.
Pettitte (4-0) is supposed to pitch tomorrow.
(knocks wood)
What’s new in your world, Starr Report?
“… Stephanie Booker (LA’s Beckman Media & Marketing) in town.”
Duly noted!
I’ll once again join the Let’s Have A Ball cast at the UCB tomorrow night (at 7:30), but the show that I encourage you to see this weekend (if seeing both isn’t feasible) is the Inferno at the Magnet Theater on Sunday at 9:30. I’ll be taking the stage with Dog Court, a group I’ve been coaching for the last year (give or take) as they compete against a group that I haven’t been coaching. The audience votes for the winner, who will return the following week. Dog Court’s last trip to the Inferno lasted nine weeks (8 victories). We’ll be trying to beat that. I love Dog Court. They’re funny.
Join us, won’t you?
I’ve seen Don’t Look Now before. It’s an incredibly creepy movie and worthy of my attention. So I’ll watch it later. Instead, I’ll be writing today’s entry while watching Don’t Look in the Basement. After seven straight victories, have I finally found a horror movie whose cautionary title is apt? Stay tuned!
The most important things happening today (or, rather, that happened yesterday but are being brought to our attention on today’s front page)? Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett are in Cannes promoting Robin Hood (that gets 60% of the cover), Page Six has the inside scoop on a War of the Vampires (the photo of Kristen Stewart leads me to believe there’s trouble in Twilight-ville) and BLIZZARD BOWL! lets us know that the Giants and Jets really want the 2014 Super Bowl at their new stadium and they don’t mind if it snows (Jets & Giants on Super bid: Let it snow!).
With everything that’s currently going on in the world (not to mention Nashville), it must be hard to fill a front page with boring non-stories. Kudos to the Post.
“Governor” Paterson rescinded those raises he gave to five of his staffers. A few hours later, Albany federal Judge Lawrence Kahn blocked Paterson’s furlough plan (temporarily). Paterson has promised to “go to court and try to persuade them that our position is right.” Well, if nothing else, Paterson is persuasive.
No. Not persuasive. What’s the other thing? Oh, yeah. Blind. Paterson is blind.
Researchers in Germany have found that “having a boy-toy husband increases a woman’s chances of an early death. And the younger the spouse is, the harder it is on a woman’s health.”
“However, the trend is reversed when an older man opts for a younger woman. The more youthful his wife, the longer the husband is expected to live.”
Great. Now how about working on some of those currently-incurable diseases, hmm?
Well, the Pope has (seemingly) placed the responsibility for all that child molesting on the church he’s in charge of. But the Reverend Vytautas Volertas (a Catholic priest in Queens) didn’t get the memo.
“The most insignificant facts are intensified, they make sensational headlines, and that helps sell newspapers. To put it another way, who controls the press? The Jews. Have you ever seen an article in The New York Times about a criminal rabbi? No? And you won’t see one.”
I entered “rabbi sex abuse” into the NYT search window. Here are the 1,970 results. Jesus Christ (a Jew, I’m told) would surely be proud of Rev. Volertas.
Amen.
OK. This is fucked up.
Page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is on page 12 today) has a large photo of Elena Kagan playing softball in 1993 on the right side of the page. The left side is an article written by Amy Guthrie: I was token straight gal on gay team. Amy explains that, as an adult in South Florida, the only women’s softball league she was able to join was a “straight-friendly” gay league. What does this have to do with anything? Well, it helps paint Kagan as a closeted lesbian who, once fitted for her SCOTUS robe, will push a gay agenda.
Page 7 bears the giant headline Does this photo suggest high court nominee Elena Kagan is a lesbian? and it has a small photo of Tuesday’s Wall Street Journal, whose cover featured the softball photo on page 6). This is Rupert Murdoch’s (who owns the Post and the WSJ and Fox News) favorite thing to do. He isn’t saying she’s gay, he’s just asking the question.
It’s like that old Bloom County strip where the reporter calls the politician (Senator Bedfellows?) to ask if he cheats on his wife. When he says no, the reporter tells him that tomorrow’s headline will be “Senator denies cheating on wife” (actually, it might have been “did you murder your wife?” but I can’t find the strip online… you get the idea).
On a hunch, I flipped to the sports section and found Hondo’s mini-column wherein he says of Kagan’s sexuality, “There’s no reason for people to make assumptions just because she enjoys softball, roots for the Chicago Bulls and makes regular visits to her barber.”
I guess if you can’t call the POTUS a nigger, there’s solace to be had in calling his friend a dyke.
Movie update: A doctor and a nurse have both been murdered, but neither of them was in the basement. In fact, I’m almost 30 minutes in and I haven’t seen the basement or even heard the basement mentioned.
I called it correctly.
Kristen Stewart was recently doing re-shoots for Eclipse (a.k.a. Twilight 3: Mope Harder), which she asked for “because she didn’t like her wig in the scene,” when her boyfriend/co-star Robert Pattinson arrived. She yelled at him “in front of the director and the crew.” She accused him of “taking a later flight from London because he had been hanging out too late at a burlesque bar.” Then they made up.
Front. Page. News.
Page Six also claims that “Rush Limbaugh had a witty response to President Obama’s alleged comment, ‘Limbaugh can play with himself.’”
“Now, wait a second,” the fearmongering drug addict blubbered, “they must have me confused with Bill Clinton.”
I’m still waiting for that “witty response.”
Cindy Adams continues to walk(er) the earth.
Lawrence Taylor has a pretty solid defense for his current legal troubles. A friend of the 16-year-old claims she told him that she “didn’t even have to fuck [Taylor]“ and that they didn’t even engage in oral sex.
All of a sudden, Taylor’s claim that he just masturbated isn’t quite as ludicrous as I originally thought.
But I still can’t believe he didn’t touch her. Or smoke crack.
A Libyan airliner crashed, killing 103 passengers. Only an 8-year-old Dutch boy survived.
Somewhere, Samuel L. Jackson is carefully clapping his hands, so as not to break any bones.
(yes, that’s an Unbreakable joke… what of it?)
Movie update: We’re two-thirds in and one of the crazy people just looked in the basement and ran away screaming. Color me intrigued!
Early Move Review!
Lou Lumenick gives Robin Hood three and a half stars (“Robin Good!”).
See what he did there?
Thanks to a 6-run ninth inning, the Yankees won their second game against the Tigers yesterday 8-0.
That makes us 22-11 and puts us 1 1/2 games behind Tampa Bay.
Mariano Rivera channelled John Lennon when he replied to a question about finding the mound in last night’s game. “I got a little map.” I love him.
Larry King and his wife (whose sister he has repeatedly slept with, or so they say) have called off their divorce.
Ain’t love grand?
The Post says that Comedy Central cancelled The Sarah Silverman Program. yesterday, but Rob Schrab (one of the show’s co-creators) posted this news on Facebook weeks ago. It’s a shame. It was a great show.
Movie update: The protagonist is looking in the basement! She found a dead body! And now the doctor (who isn’t really a doctor at the asylum — she’s a patient!) and another patient have taken her out of the basement and brought her to an upstairs bedroom to give her a labotomy. But the patient (not the one who pretended to be a doctor, the other one) has changed his mind and he helps the protagonist escape. And then all the other patients brutally murder the fake doctor. And then the hero patient kills all of the other patients.
So… I guess looking in the basement wasn’t such a bad thing after all. I mean, the only to people left alive are the patient who looked in and ran away and the protagonist (who looked in, entered, and even walked around in the basement). A better title would be Look In the Basement If You Like, But Make Sure That Doctor Isn’t Actually A Patient!
My theory remains undisproven. 8-0.
And it appears that I will have time to see Iron Man 2 today! Yay!
Enjoy your Thursday, everyone!
After imposing a furlough on over 100,000 state workers, “Governor” Paterson has given five members of his press office raises (TONE DEAF DAVE!). One person got a 9% bump, two got a 15% raise, one got an additional 18% and one saw her salary go up 29%.
Being a lame duck must be awesome.
2,000 drug cases from the last three years will have to be re-examined thanks to the (alleged) laziness of 57-year-old Marien Megalla.
Remember when people took pride in their work? Me neither.
Today’s horror movie is Don’t Go In The Woods… Alone! So far, everyone that goes into the woods alone gets killed. But so do people who go in the woods together but then split up. Oh, wait! A woman was just killed while her baby watched! She wasn’t… alone! Hmmm…
A 40-year-old administrative judge is pressing charges against 35-year-old attorney Hippocrates “Chicho” Mertsaris. She says that Chicho sexually assaulted her by slapping her on the rear end. Chicho’s attorney counters, “We are not saying he didn’t touch her, but he didn’t grab her or feel her up. Nothing like that. It was nothing sexual.”
Before you decide who’s telling the truth, consider this: The wheelchair-bound Chicho has cerebral palsy and “has no voluntary control of his arms or legs.”
One of Michael Goodwin’s pieces today is titled Gee, look who finally ‘gets it’ on terror and it criticizes Eric Holder (and Obama) for acquiescing to folks like Goodwin by chipping away at the Constitution that they claim to love so much. So instead of complaining that Holder is too soft on terrorists, now Goodwin worries that Holder is doing what Goodwin asked him to do. Holder is quoted as saying, “We’re now dealing with international terrorists” after learning that Faisal Shahzad had connections in Pakistan.
“[Holder's] two uses of the word ‘now’ are informative and troubling… Even his use of ‘international terrorists’ is suspect.”
Seriously, Mike. Go fuck yourself.
Goodwin’s Fishy ‘n’ chips whines, “I find the timing of Mayor Bloomberg’s trip to London suspicious. Coming as the Brits are trying to form a new government, perhaps the bored Bloomy will offer himself as king. Or maybe he thinks the crown is for sale.”
Perhaps Mike should turn the page and read the AP article about Bloomberg’s trip. See, the mayor is there to examine the London Tube system, which has one of the world’s largest network of security cameras. The article next to that one explains that the NYPD wants to cover 30 blocks in Midtown (including Times Square, natch) with similar cameras.
Isn’t it funny that the same jerk who constantly claims that our government doesn’t take our security seriously enough is now mocking our city’s mayor for trying to research how best to increase our security? Wait. Not funny. What’s the other word? Oh, yeah. Hypocritically nauseating.
Page Six (today on page 12) informs us that “[Sammy] Sosa looked back to his usual color and was partying with friends the other night.”
They also inform us that, when asked if he would play a round of golf with Rush Limbaugh, President Obama replied, “Limbaugh can play with himself.”
Hey, Kyle Smith! I think I found one funny thing that the POTUS said off-the-cuff! Now you show me one intentionally funny thing Bush said!
Cory Booker won re-election. I’m glad. He’s a good man.
I still wouldn’t live in Newark if you paid me, but I’m the city remains in competent hands.
A couple was just attacked in their tent and although there’s a hastily added female “Where are you going? Don’t leave me alone!” voice-over (despite the fact that it’s the woman who gets pulled out of the tent), neither of them were in the woods… alone!
So… Gordon Brown stepped down yesterday? Didn’t the Post say yesterday that he would do so “by September”?
Well… technically they were right, I guess.
No fireworks on July 4th this year at Jones Beach. Due to budget cuts, there aren’t enough policemen to patrol the event.
Well done, “Governor” Paterson. The terrorists win.
“Pope Benedict yesterday blamed the church’s own sins for the clerical abuse scandal, and called for purification to end what he called the ‘greatest persecution’ the church has endured.”
I applaud the fact that he seems to have stopped blaming The New York Times for the pedophiles he (and others have) protected over the years, but I’ll wait for some evidence that he means what he said before I celebrate his epiphany.
Cindy Adams is all over the place today (everywhere except the grave, sadly). She insists that Jimmy Fallon will replace Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show (but wisely leaves out when).
She claims (in an incredibly disturbing way which confuses me greatly) that Jesse James is telling his friends that he only cheated on Sandra Bullock with one woman (“He wasn’t into multiples… Unless, of course, you consider stacking them up in a straight line and going through them all in one shot as ‘multiples.’”).
She says that President Obama “usually has the innate humor of an overtired Ted Koppel.”
She also criticizes (in a very veiled way) Elena Kagan for “look[ing] like carry-on luggage.”
How much longer must we endure this old woman’s death-throes?
BP, Transocean and Halliburton are all blaming each other for the Gulf’s current oil spill.
At least one of them is lying. At least all of them are despicable.
The Post reports that a man in England has legally changed his name from Richard Smith to Stormhammer Deathclaw Firebrand.
I wonder how many years ago he did this.
The case that Teresa was an alternate juror for has ended in a mistrial.
I can only hope that the next 12 people asked to look over the evidence and reach a unanimous verdict are wiser.
I’d go into details but, quite frankly, the details make me really angry. I hope the lone holdout on the jury is proud of himself.
Rich Lowry’s Begging for Chaos: The warning America ignored praises Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s “prescient 1965 report, ‘The Negro Family: The Case for National Action’” which warned that “the tangle of pathology” in the inner city “is the weakness of the family structure.”
“A community that allows a large number of men to grow up in broken families, dominated by women, never acquiring any stable relationship to male authority, never acquiring rational expectations about the future — that community asks for and gets chaos.”
I have a feeling that Lowry doesn’t have a lot of Black friends.
Attention America-hating terrorists: Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck will be bringing their Bold & Fresh Tour 2010 to the Theatre at Westbury on Saturday, July 31st. They are two of our country’s most beloved “commentators” and if anything were to happen to them, it would irreparably damage our nation’s morale.
So, whatever you do, DO NOT BLOW UP THE THEATRE AT WESTBURY ON JULY 31ST. Thank you.
The Yankees are playing two games today (last night’s game was rained out). We lost the first one (though Vazquez wasn’t terrible).
Alfredo Aceves is headed for the disabled list (possible bulging disc).
Sigh. Just 130 more games to go.
OK. Someone was just murdered while their friend watched from her sleeping bag. They weren’t… alone!
I applaud the fact that the film’s title correctly warns you not to go in the woods (hear that, Don’t Go Near The Park?), but the …Alone! has proven to be erroneous. A better title would be Don’t Go In The Woods… At All!
My theory is now 7-0. I may try to see Iron Man 2 tomorrow. If that doesn’t pan out, I’ll give Don’t Look Now a spin.
What meaningless tidbit do you have for me today, Michael Starr?
“…Brooke Burns, David Charvet dining at Il Picolino (West Hollywood)…”
Wait… let me get a pen…
Sorry for the delay. It shan’t happen again (until it happens again).
G’night, Brooklyn!
ABOUT
I read the New York Post so you don't have to.
RECENT POSTS
RECENT COMMENTS
- jed on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- No face on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- ScottF on More Required Reading.
- jed on More Required Reading.
- Miss Mason on More Required Reading.
Clicky here…
This month’s stats
3,570 | Unique Visitors |
Archives
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009