Archive for June, 2010
Today is a full day. Two improv rehearsals (both in Manhattan), a trip to the post office, last-minute packing and an assortment of chores. And this, my trusty blog. Today’s Post is 104 pages. Let’s get to it.
CIVIL WAR!
Oval Office showdown over insults
General Stanley McChrystal gave an interview to Rolling Stone magazine wherein he insulted Vice President Biden and “Obama’s top aides.” Look, kids! Another old man who still can’t wrap his head around the concept of things having an infinite shelf-life! What you say in the heat of the moment (especially in front of a reporter who is writing an article about you) will reach millions whether you want it to or not. Same goes for McChrystal’s aides, who refer to National Security Adviser General Jim Jones as “[a] clown [who is] stuck in 1985.”
Churlie Hurt’s take on the matter? “You got to hand it to [McChrystal] for managing to accomplish one thing nobody has ever been able to do: He genuinely pissed off President Obama… A rage on the Richter scale we have never seen before from the professorial ‘no drama’ Obama.”
Someone else has praise for McChrystal: Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “He is the best commander the United States has sent to Afghanistan over the last nine years.”
That’s a fairly prominent red flag.
Early birthday present for Jed!
The state Appellate Division has overturned Dustin Dibble’s $2,300,000 award and thrown his entire lawsuit out.
Dibble, you may remember, was the drunk (0.18 — twice the legal limit) guy who fell on the tracks, got hit by an N train and lost one of his legs. He sued the MTA and won. Until now.
What say you, Dibble? “It wasn’t my choice to lose my leg.”
Nor was it the conductor’s choice to hit you, stupid.
“Port Authority police are on high alert today following what the agency believes is a ‘credible threat’ to its bridges and tunnels.”
The threat “may involve trucks carrying gasoline.”
It may also involve ninjas.
Jerry Seinfeld called Lady Gaga “a jerk.”
Way to stay relevent, Jer!
A federal judge has overruled Obama’s moratorium on deepwater drilling, calling it “arbitrary and capricious.”
You’d better pray that nothing goes wrong anywhere else, US District Judge Martin Feldman (who happens to own stock in the company [Transocean Ltd.] that owned the Deepwater Horizon rig responsible for the spill — this fact is NOT in today’s paper).
Michael Goodwin wants Obama to fire McChrystal (Put him in line of ‘fire’).
“Truth is no defense to [sic] insubordination. For the good of the troops… McChrystal must be sacked.”
Goodwin doesn’t have a problem with anything that was said by anyone in that Rolling Stone interview. But, on principle, he thinks McChrystal should be fired (even if it puts our troops in even more unnecessary harm).
I will not miss Michael Goodwin.
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Ronnie, Mike and Vinnie from Jersey Shore posed for the cover of this week’s Village Voice — but no one told them that it was their annual “Queer Issue.”
I have never loved the Voice more than I do right now.
Fun Fact: Three months before Shannon Price took her ex-husband (Gary Coleman) off of life support, he told a judge that she “has shown a tendency to damage, destroy and steal my property” and was issued a restraining order. But Coleman’s lawyer says that Coleman didn’t serve it to Price before it (and he) expired.
Christopher “Dudus” Coke has been apprehended in Jamaica.
Do you think he pronounces it “DUD-us” or “DOO-doos”?
The gored bullfighter gets the bottom half of page 24 (in full color).
“Legislators in Sullivan Island, South Carolina, are considering a law making it illegal to sing, whistle, yell, shout or holler if anybody nearby is annoyed.”
But then, how will people in South Carolina get dates?
Arthur Herman’s op-ed Unwelcome Truths defends McChrystal’s recent remarks.
“The fact is, the general may have done a great service for us all, including our troops in Afghanistan.”
Shut up, Arthur Herman.
The editorial Keep McChrystal says that Obama should, well, keep McChrystal. Why? “McChrystal has apologized” and “is best suited for the job.”
Someone please explain that to Michael Goodwin.
Aw, nertz.
Michelle Malkin is back with A Jobs-Killing Lie, applauding Martin Feldman’s veto of Obama’s drilling moratorium. “For all the other small people over whom the administration has run roughshod, let’s hope it sets a precedent.”
When BP calls victims of the spill “small people” they get lambasted, but Malkin gets a free pass. Or maybe it’s that smart people just don’t pay any attention to her.
The Yankees played a nail-biter last night against Arizona… until the eighth inning. Then they went from a 3-2 lead to a 9-2 lead (final score: 9-3). Every other team in the AL East lost, so we’re now 1 1/2 games ahead of Tampa and Boston.
Yay!
ABC reportedly paid “at least $100,000″ for an interview with Joran van der Sloot’s mother, Anita (they “won a spirited network bidding war”). Stephany Flores’ (and Natalee Holloway’s) parents must be thrilled.
That’s it for me, kids. Our vacation officially begins at sunrise tomorrow.
But my vacation from the Post starts… now.
Oh, that feels nice.
BOMBAST: Times Square terrorist oozes arrogance as he defiantly pleads guilty
Despite the right’s insistence that trying Faisal Shahzad in a New York City court would result in explosions and a crafty lawyer getting him off on a technicality, Mr. Shahzad pleaded guilty yesterday.
“I want to plead guilty and I will plead guilty a hundred times over until the United States pulls its troops out of Afghanistan, stops its drone strikes in Somalia, Yemen and Pakistan, stops the occupation of Muslim lands and stops killing the Muslims. We will be attacking [the] US, and I plead guilty to that.”
Gee, maybe he has a point. Maybe we should leave Afghanistan. Maybe China, who has been given first dibs on their newly-found lithium, should pick up the slack for us and fight whoever it is we’re fighting there. Not because an incompetent almost-bomber told us to, but because it makes the most sense.
Jay-Z wound up playing an outdoor concert yesterday for his Late Show with David Letterman appearance. But no one on the street saw it, as he performed not on the Ed Sullivan Theater’s marquee, but on the theater’s roof. 100 (Facebook and Twitter) contest winners joined him. There was no riot.
“Tar balls the size of softballs are beginning to wash up as far east as Panama City Beach, Fla.”
“Meanwhile, the BBC reported that a worker had spotted a leak in the oil rig’s safety equipment two weeks before it blew up, but the rig’s operator relied on a backup instead of repairing it. Fixing the broken control rod would have meant halting drilling — and cost half a million dollars a day.”
BP stock is currently selling at $29.59 (and a piece of your soul).
The gored bullfighter is given a quarter-page (full-color) ad on page 8.
According to Page Six (today on page 10), Jason Sudeikis has a new girlfriend…
Jennifer Aniston.
Wow.
Anideikis? Sudaniston? Jasifer? Jennon?
Joran van der Sloot’s explanation for why he signed that confession to the murder of Stephany Flores: “In my blind panic, I signed everything, but didn’t even know what it said.”
This reeks of Taco Penis.
“President Obama is set to extend family medical-leave benefits to gay and lesbian couples for the first time.”
It’s not a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, but it’s still a welcome gesture.
BP has taken out a full-page ad (on page 17) that explains how they’re Making This Right.
I wonder if that money would have been better spent on timely repairs.
The Naked Cowboy is suing Sandy “The Naked Cowgirl” Kane (real name: Sandra Brodsky) for copyright infringement. The “50-something” Kane is famous for ending her “shows” by setting her breasts on fire. Here’s a recent picture of her.
Let me know when you stop throwing up.
The editorial How Many More? discusses Faisal Shahzad’s mandatory life sentence.
“No one should take the least bit of comfort from this outcome.”
This is a phenomenally terrible newspaper.
Lou Lumenick gives one and a half stars to Knight and Day (“Flop Gun Tom in trite ‘Knight,’ with ditz Diaz no help as kooky captive”).
The Yankees are only half a game ahead of Boston and Tampa Bay. Will Pettitte help us maintain our place at the top? I surely hope so. Burnett gave up three home runs (and a total of five runs) in the first inning of last night’s game. I’d like to see some effective pitching in Arizona tonight.
Linda Stasi reviews Jason Lee’s new TNT series, Memphis Beat. “Where have we seen this set-up before? Everywhere.”
She gives it three stars.
Andy Rooney told no one in particular that “I will work until I drop, or until I lose my head.”
Someone please cut off his head.
Are they running back-to-back new episodes of this season’s Hell’s Kitchen because they realize it’s not as interesting as it usually is? Probably. But I still enjoy watching Ramsay get all flabbergasted and whatnot.
We leave for Cullyfohneeya early Thursday morning, so tomorrow will be my last full entry for a while. I may or may not update from the road, but I will mos def not be reading the New York Post. I expect to get smarter as a result.
Enjoy your Tuesday, peeps!
BERNIE’S SECRET $9B STASH
Jail boast: Mystery trio has cash
The Post’s EXCLUSIVE cover story reveals that “a fellow jailbird” alleges that Bernie Madoff told him that he managed to funnel $9,000,000,000 to three people before he was arrested and his assets were seized. He also claims that Madoff claims that his former business partner (Frank DiPascali) knows who those three people are and that he’s using that information to cut a deal with the po-po.
If this is true, good. I think DiPascali’s freedom is worth $9,000,000,000. I also think that, if this is true, we should increase Madoff’s sentence. He’s already going to die in prison, so let’s put him in solitary. Indefinitely.
All of New York City’s public libraries will probably remain closed on the weekends due to budget cuts. In fact, they might wind up only being open for four days a week. Will they eventually close for good? And, if so, where will I be able to rent DVDs for free? And smell the homeless?
Brian Cashman felt the need to defend Lady Gaga yesterday, explaining that “she didn’t do anything wrong” and that it was the Yankee employees who let her into the clubhouse who were at fault. “She’s not banned.”
I’m so happy for her.
An internal BP memo reveals that BP’s engineers believe that the spill in the Gulf of Mexico could reach 100,000 barrels a day.
You might remember that the first number they gave the public was 1,000 barrels a day. Then they said 5,000 barrels. The government’s current estimate is between 35,000 and 60,000.
I have a feeling that their stock is about to become even more of a summer bargain.
Toy Story 3 made $109,000,000 (even though Armond White called it “drivel”), beating the #2 movie (The Karate Kid) by exactly $80,000,000. The A-Team made another $13,800,000 and Jonah Hex made $5,085,000 on 2,825 screens (despite Armond White’s contention that its screenplay is “easier [sic] better than Toy Story 3“).
Armond White is insane.
Speaking of insane people, I didn’t read this in the Post (and probably never will), but Governor Haley Barbour (R – Mississippi) told David Gregory on Meet the Press that Obama’s moritorium on offshore drilling is worse than the spill in the Gulf. Gregory asked him which was worse and he answered, “Well, the moratorium… the spill’s a terrible thing, but the moratorium is a terrible thing that’s not only bad for the region, it’s bad for America.”
The Post says that “a British newspaper” is reporting that Rahm Emanuel will resign “as soon as this year” because “he’s fed up with the ‘idealism’ of President Obama’s inner circle.”
Which British newspaper? The (notoriously conservative) Telegraph. So it must be true.
Mandrea devotes most of her column to The freak of the weak, which eviscerates… Michael Jackson? Really?
“It’s been one year since Michael Jackson… gasped his last, [sic] furious breaths.”
“Shortly after his death, my kid blurted out, ‘Are you serious? Michael Jackson is black??!“
Next week, Mandrea will weigh in on the Macarena.
Page Six (today on page 11) reports that “Vanity Fair investigative reporter John Connolly is working on a profile of defense lawyer Joe Tacopina.”
Fair warning, John: I own the copyright to the nickname “Taco Penis.”
…and now you know how to make a bomb.
“A janitor at PS 178 discovered three soda bottles containing [Drano] and presumably aluminum foil — which if combined with the liquid can explode — outside the school.” Four more “bombs” were found nearby.
Thanks for the tip, Rupert!
Senator Charles Schumer has come forward to declare that “kid-related jobs” (like karate instructors, lifeguards, carnival workers, clowns, and sports coaches) should be off-limits to pedophiles.
He also supports legislation that favors the breathing of oxygen.
Is Cindy Adams dead yet?
The percentage of clean subway cars in 2009 (they were examined between September 3rd and November 24th) by line: The 6 and C — 65%, the 7 and N — 63%, the B — 61%, the L — 60%, the 5 — 55%, the A, E and Q — 52%, the 3 — 51%, the 1 and 4 — 48%, the 2 and J — 47%, the F and W — 45%, the G and R — 39%, the D — 38%, the V — 35%, and the M — 32%. That makes the system average 50%.
I really and truly hate the MTA.
Joran van der Sloot’s mother concedes that her son “may indeed have” murdered Stephany Flores, but insists that he didn’t kill Natalee Holloway.
In a related story, Joran has recanted his confession to Flores’ murder. He says he was pressured into making it.
Poor guy.
Dr. Sonnet Ehlers of South Africa has invented a new female condom/rape-preventer called “Rape-aXe,” which is “inserted like a tampon and has hooks that latch on to the attacker’s penis.”
“If he tries to remove it, it will clasp even tighter. It hurts; he cannot pee and walk when it’s on,” says the doctor who seems to disagree with the Hippocratic Oath. She’s giving away 30,000 Rape-aXes at various cities hosting World Cup matches. Let’s hope now of them backfire (backbite?).
Ernesto Cavalier of Brooklyn writes in to say, “Barton apologized for apologizing to BP for Obama’s ’shakedown’ of the oil giant. Now it’s Obama’s turn to apologize to the American people for apologizing to all the countries he apologized to for no reason.” What an exteremly cavalier attitude to have, Ernesto.
Teixeira’s grand slam was all the Yankees put on the board yesterday, but it was more than enough (Sabathia gave up 4 hits in 8 innings, Rivera gave up 0). That win and the fact that the Marlins beat Tampa puts the Yankees in 1st place. Alone. Boston won, so they’re tied for 2nd with Tampa.
Tampa and Boston have the day off, so a loss against Arizona would reduce our lead to 1/2 a game. But we’d still be in 1st. Alone.
Here’s something I never imagined writing: Comedy Central will begin airing new episodes of Futurama this Thursday at 10:00 p.m.
I had a lot more to write today, but I just read that Amanda Bynes has officially retired from acting.
This will be my last post. I don’t want to live in a world without Amanda Bynes movies.
Remember me fondly.
SATURDAY
* The US-Slovenia match graces the cover (CRIME!: Referee robs Team USA of Cup win). I’ve seen the footage and heard the commentary from a number of soccer experts. It should have been a goal and the US should have won. But we didn’t. And I still don’t care about soccer. Fun Fact: The referee (Koman Coulibaly) is “a financial auditor for for the notoriously corrupt Malian government.”
* State Senate Democratic leader John Sampson gave a memo (which listed all bids for the racino at Aqueduct, along with the projected revenues of all bidders) to a lobbyist for Aqueduct Entertainment Group. Not too much later, AEG re-submitted their proposal — this time with higher revenue projections than everyone else (though the amount of money they were spending was unchanged). Sampson’s response to his actions becoming public knowledge? “The documentation that was given to Mr. [Carl] Andrews was documentation that was not private, not confidential. I know what private and confidential documents are. I know what insider information is. I don’t engage in anything like that.” Oh. Nevermind then.
* The Andrew J. Barberi will set sail on Sunday for the first time since its most recent crash on May 8th, which injured 48 people. Who wouldn’t want to go for a ride on such a historically important vessel? Besides me?
* The handwritten lyrics for “A Day In The Life” by John Lennon sold at auction for $1,200,000. Oh, boy.
* The Vatican has declared that The Blues Brothers is “a Catholic classic.” I love that movie, too. But I still don’t like the Vatican.
* Rep. Gregory Meeks has released his financial disclosure for the last year. He claimed $0 in assets — for the third year in a row. Why is this man not in prison.
* Joseph Gannascoli, Vito Spatafore on The Sopranos, was busted for driving drunk in Tampa on Thursday night. Johnnycakes is devastated.
* “Governor” Paterson is adding another $1.60 tax on every pack of cigarettes in New York City. When I moved here in 2001, cigarettes were $5 a pack. This year, they will become $11.60 a pack. I’m so glad I quit.
* The oil spill is creating “dead zones” where no life — plant or animal — exists, thanks to the methane that’s also being released into the Gulf. In a related story, BP is trying to secure a $1,000,000,000 loan from seven different banks. Why? Because they claim that the company only has $5,000,000,000 in cash and $10,500,000,000 in bank lines. Did I predict they’d declare bankruptcy? Well, if I didn’t, then I am now.
* BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg explains why Tony Hayward has been “relieved of overseeing the day-to-day operations of managing the spill”: “It is clear Tony has made remarks that have upset people… and that is why you will see more of me.” He then added, “you tiny, little people.”
* Suge Knight “was arrested last month for allegedly pointing a gun at a man but the LAPD did not press charges.”
* “An M-80 explosive device exploded underneath a baby carriage last night in Washington Heights — but the child escaped without injured [sic].” I’m so relief!
* The MTA has announced that weekend and late-night service will be delayed even more starting in September (for buses) and December (for trains). I hate them so much.
* The gored bullfighter gets a quarter of page 12. In color.
* Page 15 has a photo of British PM David Cameron (and, strangely enough, his pregnant wife) looking at Carla Bruni’s ass. Her actual ass, not Sarkozy.
* Gabriella Bernabei is a Wiccan who kept 100 dead cats in a nonworking freezer. She told police that she planned on “returning them to Mother Earth” when the right time presented itself. Police seized the dead felines. Bernabei says that’s “a violation of her religious freedom.” Meow.
* Dee Darwell, 56, has always been afraid of monkeys. So she went to a Thai primate preserve to try and overcome that fear. She was mauled by a pack of macaques. Oops. At least her fear is now legitimate.
* Mayor Bloomberg on the current medical marijuana bill: “We all know what [medical marijuana] means. It means everybody’s going to qualify, OK?… It has nothing to do with medicine.” If he changes the laws again and runs for a fourth term, I’m not voting for him.
* On April 18th, a 38-year-old woman from Georgia got drunk on an airplane flying to LaGuardia. She passed out in a pregnant woman’s seat. When flight attendants tried to wake and move her, she “became belligerent.” When an FBI agent on the plane tried to handcuff her, “she allegedly bit him on both hands, drawing blood.” The woman’s name? Kim Goodwine. Let’s hope so.
* Lou Lumenick gives Cyrus three stars. Kyle Smith gives The Nature of Existence one and a half stars.
* The stupid Mets beat the stupid Yankees. Stupid Boston is one game out of 1st. Shut up.
* Eric Roberts will not only join the cast of The Young and the Restless (he debuts on July 12th, shut-ins!), but he’s also starring in the Roger Corman-directed Syfy original movie, Sharktopus. He’s… not very picky.
* Linda Stasi on Showtime’s new reality show, The Real L Word: “Starting tomorrow night, Showtime, the network that brought you The L Word, will fill the girl-on-girl void in their schedule with a reality version titled, The Real L Word. I guess the first one was, in reality, The Fake L Word. Oh wait, this one’s the reality version. It’s confusing, I know.” It’s so cute when she tries to be funny. And what grade did the woman who hates all reality television give this new reality show? Three stars.
SUNDAY
Wasn’t Tony Hayward supposed to be leaving the spotlight? Well, I guess he can’t do that correctly, either, as he’s on today’s cover (CAPT. CLUELESS: BP chief ditches oil crisis for yacht). He raced his 52-foot, $700,000 yacht. He finished fourth. And he wore a Rolls-Royce baseball cap. It seems he’s got his life back. How long before someone takes it from him?
Hal Steinbrenner has “permanently banned” Lady Gaga from the Yankees’ clubhouse because of what she did there on Friday night — “swigging whiskey and repeatedly fondling her boobs.”
She couldn’t be classier.
Shatonia Spencer, 23, decided to cross the tracks at the Q station at Prospect Park. She was hit by a train and killed. Her mother told reporters, “Shatonia was always impulsive and never thought things through.” And she never will.
Michael Goodwin calls Eliot Spitzer a whoremonger.
Goodwin has the office down the hall from Spitzer’s whore.
Mike Huckabee joked to Fox News’ Ariel Levy that if his only options for sex were Nancy Pelosi and Helen Thomas, “I’d probably be FOR same-sex marriage!”
“But seriously,” he continued, “homosexuals are all abominations of nature and God and I hate them. And their desire to be treated as equals.”
Patients at New York Presbyterian Hospital-Weill Cornell on the Upper East Side have been warned “not to drink the tap water or bathe in it, citing possible deadly Legionella bacteria.” I wonder if current patients’ bills will reflect a discount. And/or an apology.
Mark Teixeira just hit a grand slam in the bottom of the third inning. Sabathia has given up one hit in three innings. I like our chances.
There is now a vuvuzela app for the iPhone (and iPad). Actually, there are 10.
(waves miniature American flag)
Jonah Hex made less than $2,000,000 on Friday. Maybe if Megan Fox had kissed a lady…?
Parents are angry that the city Department of Education is planning on punishing kids “for sending sexually suggestive e-mails, text messages or photos before or after school.”
“‘It’s none of the school’s business. They’re off the clock,’ said a Brooklyn mom in Prospect Park yesterday.”
Yeah! F the schools for taking more of an interest in what my kid does than me!
Kyle Smith penned (crayoned?) Tilting at windmills: Don Obama wants to use the BP disaster for taxes and solar panels — but human enterprise will find the solution. I don’t hate myself enough to read it.
Today’s Harris poll shows 45% of Americans are in favor of stricter gun controls in the US, 26% favor less strict gun controls, 20% favor neither (?), and 9% don’t know (?).
The editorial Move On, Big Bird argues that the government should stop funding the Public Broadcasting System (PBS). You know, Channel 13? The channel that raised a generation of intelligent and caring people via Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Sesame Street, The Electric Company, 3-2-1 Contact and many other invaluable programs? The channel that continues to do this with a new generation of kids being encouraged to read?
“Public broadcasting is an anachronism. It’s past time that government got out of the business.”
I truly hate this newspaper.
Advice for a new grad is an excerpt of the commencement address given by Justice Antonin Scalia at Langley High School in Virginia on Thursday. It begins, “[A] platitude I want discuss comes in many flavors.”
I can’t tell if that’s a typo or if Scalia is an idiot. Or both.
BIG PEOPLE little world contends that in 1970, the average man weighed 173 pounds (average woman: 140 lbs.) and the average cubicle was 10′ by 10′. In 2002, the average man weighed 191 lbs. (woman: 164 lbs.) and the average cubicle was either 8′ by 8′ or 6′ by 8′. In 2006, the average man weighed 195 lbs. (woman: still 164 lbs.) and the average cubicle was 6′ by 6′.
Conclusion: Fat people shouldn’t have office jobs.
Sarah Silverman recommends Honey and Junk by Dana Goodyear. “[H]er poetry transcends, for me, any lack of respect for the living. It’s beautiful and complex and personal.” I keep rereading that looking for a Holocaust joke, but I can’t find one.
In TOP FUN (see what they did there?), the Post confirms that Ben Stiller will be directing a movie starring Tom Cruise as Les Grossman (the movie executive from Tropic Thunder). Cruise will also make Mission: Impossible 4.
M:I4 will be filled with explosions and car chases and elaborate stunts, guaranteeing that it will be a blockbuster (despite Cruise’s presence). The other movie sounds like the cinematic equivalent of homework.
Can Jenny be the new Oprah? is like a longer and more annoying version of the article I read about this in the Post days ago (about Jenny McCarthy’s deal with OWN).
ASK ASHLEY!
I’m a successful stockbroker who enjoys an active sex life with a great girlfriend. But I’ve also been maintaining a “domination relationship” with a mistress for almost three years. I see her at least once a week. As an alpha male who’s a maniac in business, I thrive off of the power exchange that we share. It’s something I can’t stop — and don’t want to stop. Recently, I went home with marks on my rearend from one of our sessions. My girlfriend noticed it and suspiciously questioned me. I had no answers and basically shut down. It’s been awkward ever since. I don’t want to lose her, but I’m embarrassed to be honest. What should I do? — Greg, 33, Brooklyn
ASHLEY: “You need to make a choice: End it with your girlfriend, or end it with your mistress. But either way, stop lying. It’s not fair to her.”
ME: “Rear end isn’t one word, stupid. Also, if you’ve been keeping this secret for three years, you don’t love your girlfriend. At least, not enough to be honest with her.”
My girlfriend sneezes really loud. Like, so loud that I jump, scared to death, with my heart pounding. It sounds more like a scream than a sneeze. She refuses to mute the noise level and I’m at my wits’ end. What do I do? — KJ, Midtown West
ASHLEY: “I bet that she doesn’t sneeze louder than my mother! My mom shakes the house when she sneezes. It’s the loudest, craziest thing I’ve ever heard, but I just laugh at it.”
ME: “Kill her.”
What do you think about the statement “Sex is finite, love is infinite”? — Regan, Houston, Texas
ASHLEY: “That’s a great question! I think it’s accurate — to a degree. You see, when you’re in a relationship, every day you learn something new about that person.”
ME: “I agree with Ashley. Why, just the other day, I found out that my wife used to regularly service the governor of New York in exchange for moneys! She never fails to surprise me!”
The gored bullfighter gets half of page 50. In color.
Manute Bol has died at the age of 47. His coffin is currently being built and should be finished by August.
Phil Hughes was 9-1 at the start of yesterday’s game. His one loss was from a Mets game where he faced Mike Pelfrey (also 9-1). The two pitchers faced off again yesterday. Hughes emerged 10-1. Sadly, Tampa also won, as did Boston. So we’re still tied for 1st with Boston one game behind.
In today’s game, it’s still 4-0 in the bottom of the sixth. Sabathia has given up just three hits and one walk. Jed is happy.
Hondo (in the sports section) says, “The Real L Word makes its debut tonight on Showtime. No word on whether the real Supreme Court nominee intends to watch or go to her softball game.”
The New York Post. Where every section mocks (alleged) homosexuality whenever it can.
There is a picture on page 75 of what looks like Ron Artest and Paul Pierce kissing.
Basketball is so gay.
That’s it for today. Happy Father’s Day to all fathers (especially all of mine).
See you tomorrow.
1) I have no idea how to embed today’s video, so I’m posting the link instead.
2) It is Al Franken’s address at the 2010 ACS (American Constitution Society) National Convention (June 17th). He is extremely liberal (in general, but also) with his dramatic pauses, so the speech is over half an hour long. If you don’t have that much free time on such a beautiful day, you can read the transcript (click the link below — you’ll see the transcript option under the video window).
3) Here’s an excerpt: “Originalism isn’t a pillar of our Constitutional history. It’s a talking point. During his confirmation hearing, John Roberts broke out another conservative talking point. He said: ‘Judges are like umpires. Umpires don’t make the rules; they apply them.’ And he promised: ‘I will remember that it’s my job to call balls and strikes and not to pitch or bat.’ How ridiculous. Judges are nothing like umpires. You know who agrees that judges are nothing like umpires? The guy who came up with the umpire analogy in the first place. In 1886, in State v. Crittenden, a Louisiana Supreme Court Justice ruled that ‘a trial is not a mere lutte‘ – lutte is a French term for a wrestling match, as this analogy dates back to when baseball was just a cult phenomenon — ‘a trial is not a mere lutte between counsel, in which the judge sits merely as an umpire to decide disputes which may arise between them.’ So, when it comes to this analogy, I guess I’m an originalist.”
4) Prepare to get angry as you watch the video (or read the transcript). There are some great laugh-lines, but the subject matter is inherently infuriating. But I still think it’s worth your time.
5) Get outside today.
Today’s paper is 144 pages long, so I am going to try and be as terse as possible (I’d like to see sunlight again today, plus I need to get nacho fixins for dinner). But before I tell you what’s in the Post, I’d like to point out what isn’t.
If this idiot (who has gotten over $1,400,000 in campaign contributions from Big Oil over his career) was a Democrat, this would have been on today’s cover. But he isn’t, so it isn’t. Instead, you have to look at Churlie Hurt’s Villains but no heroes at hearing (which he glibly refers to as “yesterday’s hearings of sham outrage”) on page 8. It’s sixteen paragraphs long. The entire fourteenth paragraph reads, “Then Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) managed to find some way to apologize to Hayward and BP.” That’s it. No more details. No further context.
Directly below Hurt’s smarm is GOP critics slam Obama’s ‘Chicago-style shakedown’ which quotes Dick Armey (I’m watching Chris Matthews’ The Rise of the New Right as I write today and this guy is one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever seen in my life) and Tom Price — but not Barton. It’s infuriating. BP has forever destroyed the lives of millions of Americans and the GOP is criticizing Obama for insisting that BP make amends. God forbid they support any decision he makes.
Tyanthony Duckette, 8, and his 10-year-old sister, Tyanne, were carried out of a burning building by their grandmother. Tyanthony realized that his 17-month-old brother was still inside. Before his grandmother could stop him, Tyanthony ran back into the house to save his brother. Neither boy survived.
That’s today’s cover story (TINY HERO). Hopefully, the other 143 pages will be less depressing.
Iceland’s Supreme Court has ruled that Bobby Fischer’s corpse must be exhumed in order to determine whether or not Jinky Young, 9, is his biological child.
According to UrbanDictionary.com, “jinky” means “remarkably shitty, or shitty to the extreme.”
Jinkies, Scoob.
Thus proving that that family really needed to see that gospel program.
David Makoeya, 61, of Makweya, South Africa, wanted to watch Australia and Germany’s World Cup match on Sunday. His 68-year-old wife and two children (aged 36 and 23) wanted to watch a gospel program. They argued. David’s head was beaten against a wall until he was dead. I hate soccer, too, but not that much.
A new agreement has been reached: the state will put up $25,000,000, the city will pay $45,000,000 and the MTA will provide the other $144,000,000 that will give students free MetroCards — for just the next school year. All but guaranteeing a fare hike in 2011 (if not 2010… or both).
Porn star Devon James (real name: Melinda Jannete) is asking a judge to force Tiger Woods to take a paternity test to determine whether or not he is her 9-year-old’s biological father (didn’t I read this article already?). The porn star’s mother (who has custody of the 9-year-old) claims that a DNA test taken in 2002 revealed the identity of her grandchild’s father, but “Devon” disagrees.
…14:57… 14:58… 14:59…
He’s got 99 permits, but a permit to perform on the marquee of the Ed Sullivan Theater this Monday ain’t one (hit me).
Jay-Z was going to perform an impromptu concert outside as a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman, but the city approved the permit on the condition that it remained a secret (lest we get Drake/Hanson II: This Time It’s A Free Concert People Care About). Oh, well. At least he still has partial ownership of the worst team in basketball.
Janet Daley (columnist for The Daily Telegraph) writes, “The British media have decided that it was all a cruel deception: Obama is just one more ranting populist president who will do anything to divert attention from his own failure.”
Shut up, Janet.
Melody Granadillo, 23, dated Joran van der Sloot seven years ago and insists that the man (boy?) she knew couldn’t have murdered those women. “He was amazing. He was romantic,” she said of the fellow she nicknamed “Chi Chi” and “Mr. Wiggles.”
Huh. I guess he didn’t do it. Case dismissed!
The gored bullfighter gets half of page 10. In full color. Sigh.
“A man accused in the murder of an Ecuadorian immigrant he thought was gay laughed during his retrial yesterday when a witness described the way the victim walked down a Brooklyn street with his brother before the heinous attack. Keith Phoenix, 30, chuckled when his cousin, Demetrius Nathaniel, told jurors about the moment before the Dec. 7, 2008 attack. ‘They looked like a married couple,’ Nathaniel said. ‘You know, they were arm-in-arm.’ Phoenix, whose last trial for murder as a hate crime ended in a hung jury, laughed and appeared to say, ‘Stupid, man. He’s stupid.’”
Can you imagine how incredibly stupid that last jury had to be?
Judge Gary Weber explained why a woman who hit and killed a teenaged cyclist while driving drunk and talking on her cell phone (with her 6-year-old in the front seat) was given a six-month plea deal — because “the possibility of a complete acquittal on vehicular-manslaughter charges at trial was too great a risk.”
If not for the previous item, I’d vehemently disagree.
“A judge yesterday dismissed civil claims against five [brothers] of Osama bin Laden accused of helping fund the 9/11 terror attacks, on grounds that they don’t have sufficient ties to New York to be sued here.”
I guess it pays to be BFFs with the Bush family.
According to Page Six (today on page 32, which I think is a new record), Carvel gave “Carvel Black Cards” to celebrities. The cards are good for free ice cream whenever they want it, but the cards are not transferable (only the celebrities can get free ice cream). Lindsay Lohan was given a card last year (presumably by mistake).
Dina Lohan tried to use it last Wednesday in East Meadow to get a free cake for her son’s 14th birthday. The manager told her that he was confiscating the card. So Dina called the police. The police gave Dina the card back.
Everyone in that family needs to have things thrown at them.
When asked if it was appropriate to give his son, Justin, a $400,000 Maybach for his 16th birthday, Sean “P. Puffy Diddy Daddy” Combs replied, “It’s appropriate for me to give my kids whatever I give my kids.”
Can’t stop being obstinate, won’t stop being obstinate.
“A Kennedy Airport mail-handler with a long-standing beef against his boss — and who had vowed to kill her — stabbed her over and over yesterday with blunt-edged cutting shears, declaring the vicious assault ‘morally right,’ police said.”
We’re focused so much on suicide bombers on planes that we miss the insane people threatening to commit murder (and then committing murder) working behind the scenes at the airport (remember the guy with the small penis?).
It looks like the Board of Regents’ annual social-studies (“history and civics”) exams might be eliminated. Because, really, who needs to know about that stuff?
(sorry, Mom)
A man bought grapes from a Whole Foods in Boston. When his kids opened the bag, two black-widow spiders crawled out.
A Whole Foods spokesman’s response? “Unfortunately, these things happen from time to time.”
Proving that Whole Foods cares about their customers just as much as they care about their employees.
Fox Business has a new slogan: It’s Not Just Business, It’s Personal.
Gayballs.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to Toy Story 3 (“The goold old toys are back & as enchanting as ever”), two stars to Raavan (“Bollywood to order, well-done with cheese”), and three stars to 8: The Mormon Proposition (“a hard-hitting exposé of a shameful episode”).
Kyle Smith gives three stars to Jonah Hex (“A cuss of a good time”), two stars to I Am Love (“When there is talk, it tends toward the profoundly meaningless, as in ‘Happy? Happy is a word that makes one sad.’”), and two and a half stars to Let It Rain (“too slight to make much impact”).
V.A. Musetto gives two and a half stars to Wah Do Dem (pot smoking) and three stars to The Killer Inside Me (sex, nudity, extreme violence).
Jeff Craig (of Sixty Second Preview) says of Jonah Hex, “Josh Brolin and Megan Fox sizzle.”
Pete Hammond calls The A-Team, “The best action film in years! Now it really feels like summer has begun!”
Armond White hasn’t reviewed Toy Story 3 yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll hate it. A lot.
Tampa Bay lost! YEAH! But so did the Yankees. Sigh.
Boston won, though, and are now only two games out of 1st.
We begin a 3-game series against the Mets tonight (they’ve won their last seven games) with Vazquez on the mound. Double sigh.
The Lakers beat the Celtics in Game Seven. How did Los Angelinos celebrate? Peacefully… mostly.
People magazine asked Thomas Jane who his “dream” guest star would be on his HBO series. His pick? Rosanna Arquette.
“She’d be great on Hung, but I would feel uncomfortable if she was one of my tricks.” Why’s that? Oh. Right. You’re married to her sister, Patricia.
Maybe he’s hoping to take over for Larry King when he retires?
Michael Starr ends today’s Starr Report with: “It’s OK to admit you’re getting a little sick of Betty White.”
Michael Starr, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight at 10:00 on AMC (which stands for American Movie Classics): Caddyshack II.
And that’s me being terse. The weekend is nigh. Enjoy y’selves.
I can’t wait for our trip to California. I’ve been writing this blog for over a year with very few breaks. It will be nice to not read the Post for a while. And to get out of town — I love Brooklyn, but a change of scenery is always nice (unless it’s Philadelphia).
Today’s major headline (HARD LABOR!: Union boss hog spent $300,000 dues on hookers) seems like it has a typo (shouldn’t it be $300,000 in dues?). It refers to Daniel Hughes, 49, former president of a Port Authority union (the Field Supervisor Association), who bankrupted the accounts of 250 of his union’s members so that he could hire $400-$500/hour escorts (who may or may not have been transsexuals) and take at least one trip to Mohegan Sun to gamble.
Hughes had weight-reduction surgery recently and is now down to a little over 350 pounds (he’s 5′ 11″). His wife and teenage son must be so proud of him (for the weight loss, not the transsexual adultery and embezzlement)!
Anthony Zachariadis, 27, bought some vuvuzelas (capable of reaching 120 decibels) for his trip to the World Cup in South Africa. The trip fell through, so he decided to bring some with him to Yankee Stadium. “I hid them in my shorts to get into the stadium, and when I pulled out the horns, the whole place went nuts. Phillies fans would walk by and we would blow it in their ear. They had a laugh — they knew we were playing with them.”
There’s a photo of one of Anthony’s friends blowing a vuvuzela directly into the ear of someone two rows in front of him. Security eventually confronted him and told him, “You gotta give me the horn. You can’t blow it.” But instead of allowing security to confiscate the $6 horns, Anthony decided to leave the game instead.
“I have been tossed from that place hundreds of times. Many times I even deserved it. But this was ridiculous.”
Anthony is part of the reason I’m OK with not seeing a game at Yankee Stadium this year. He is also ridiculous.
Special narcotics prosecutor Bridget Brennan supports the study of marijuana for medical use, but is against the current bill in Albany that would legalize medical marijuana. One of her main reasons? “The bill would allow veterinarians and podiatrists to prescribe marijuana.”
I guess I can stop faking pain in my feet for the time being.
Joran van der Sloot is literally begging to tell Aruban police where Natalee Holloway is buried. In exchange, he wants to get out of the Peruvian prison he is currently in. I was hoping that the FBI (and/or Aruba) would promise to give him what he wants after they find Natalee and then, if and when they do find her, thank him for his help and send him back to Peru.
Well, according to the Post, “a prosecution in Aruba would have to wait until he serves any sentence in the latest murder case.” Awesome.
Now my only concern is that Joran might be brutally tortured to death before providing Natalee’s (actual) whereabouts. If he ever does, though…
You’ve come a long way, Disney.
Skirt-wearing female workers at Disney theme parks will no longer have to wear pantyhose. They are also now allowed to wear open-toed shoes (!) and “some sleeveless tops.” Male employees are also tasting sartorial freedom — they can now wear “untucked shirts.”
What next? Nose rings and strap-ons?
Almost five years ago, Eddy Espinal walked into the barber shop he sold and opened fire on everyone inside. He killed the new barber (Julio Ernesto Filpo) and injured three others. It was an open and shut case. The jury took just five hours to convict him of murder, attempted murder, assault and five other charges. He was just sentenced to 105 years in prison. His response? “This is a setback to my victory. Because I’m innocent!”
It’s a little late for an insanity defense, Eddy.
Rangers in Prospect Park found a Canadian goose yesterday that had an arrow in its neck. They tried to catch (and help) it, but it kept flying away from them whenever they’d approach. They are expected to resume their search (and hopeful rescue) today.
After that, maybe they’ll find out who’s shooting arrows at geese in Prospect Park?
The ad featuring the gored bullfighter is still only a quarter of a page, but it’s back in color. This time on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is never on page 6).
BP has agreed to put $20,000,000,000 into an independent escrow account to compensate those affected by the spill in the Gulf. Might that garner them some brownie points in the court of public opinion? Maybe… if not for BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg. He recently told reporters, “I hear comments sometimes that large oil companies are — are greedy companies or don’t care, but that is not the case with BP. We care about the small people.”
BP has already issued an explanation (not an apology, but an explanation): “This was a slip in translation.”
I can hear Zero Mostel bellowing from his grave, “You mean, ‘oops,’ don’t you? Just say, ‘oops,’ and get out!”
Gail Posner has passed away. She left $11,000,000 to her dogs and $26,000,000 to her bodyguards and housekeepers (who will continue to care for the dogs in the $8,300,000 mansion that the dogs now own. Her only living son, Bret Carr, is contesting the will in a lawsuit.
Fun fact: Bret Carr is a screenwriter/actor/director. His 2002 movie, 2 Birds with 1 Stallone, (which he co-wrote and directed) is 76 minutes long and the plot (according to IMDB) is: “Lou Benedetti transforms from a violent stutterering [sic] boxer into a sensitive motivational speaker.” Bret plays Lou.
His 2003 movie, The Gospel of Lou, (which he directed and co-wrote) is 72 minutes long and the plot (according to IMDB) is: “A homophobic, violent, stuttering boxer transforms into a motivational speaker.” Bret plays Lou (Benedetti).
His 2006 movie, Revoloution, (which he co-wrote and directed) is 80 minutes long and the plot (according to IMDB) is: “A violent, street-fighting, extreme-stutterer becomes a great, powerful communicator.” Bret plays Lou (Benedetti).
This guy is full of idea!
Page Six (today on page 16) reports that “Piers Morgan will start his takeover of Larry King’s CNN show in October.” You heard it here first! And by “it” I mean “an unconfirmed rumor!”
They also report that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are fabricating an affair between Heidi and Spencer’s friend (bodyguard Cougar Zank), and asking magazines to buy the story (literally and figuratively) for $100,000. Shockingly, they haven’t found any takers yet (
).
Hilarious update: Drake wasn’t the only performer at that concert where a riot broke out. Also on the bill: Hanson.
And today the Post is estimating the crowd at 10,000 (or half of what they said yesterday).
If I was a Drake fan and I learned that Hanson was playing, I’d riot, too.
Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got married!
Congartulations, Mr. & Mrs. Indiana Solo-McBeal!
Mandrea is her usual reprehensible self today.
She writes about how Al Gore and Laurie David are “eco-frauds” (“Uber-environmentalist Laurie David proudly cruises Los Angeles freeways in her Prius hybrid, flipping the bird at drivers of gas-guzzling Hummers… Gore and David adamantly deny a report that they had an affair that broke up the 40-year Gore marriage. Shame.”)*, but her biggest gripe today is about Child School’s decision to stage La Cage Aux Folles.
“Some 50 children as young as 10 were cast to play screaming queens, a school assistant told me.” I wonder if those were the assistant’s exact words ().
One boy’s father told Mandrea, “I’m outraged! They’re advocating for the gay lifestyle, giving them ideas. Saying, ‘It’s OK. If you’re having these feelings, experiment with it.’” Them, stupid. Experiement with them. Not it. He continues, “Look, I’m not a homophobe. [But, as a Catholic,] I’m teaching him that straight couples screwing around is a sin. If they want to teach tolerance, do West Side Story.”
A less ridiculous parent explains, “It’s just acting, if you play a dog or a tree. Or wear a dress.” Why would this seemingly-intelligent woman agree to talk to Mandrea?
*Just because you know how to use shame in/as a sentence, doesn’t mean you have any.
Investors see 36% chance of BP default
No one could have seen this coming. Unless, you know, they had eyes.
The pilots of Spirit Airlines will end their walkout soon. But… will anyone notice?
Crude oil is now up to $77.67/barrel.
Dan Aquilante on James Taylor and Carole King’s show at Madison Square Garden last night: “James Taylor and Carole King are like a frumpy flannel shirt matched with ripped blue jeans — an ensemble that may be fine to wear around the house, but which you probably shouldn’t wear in public.”
Ouch.
The Yankees lost, but so did Tampa Bay. We (both) remain in 1st.
Robinson Cano leads the American League with a.368 batting average.
The 8-1 Andy Pettitte will pitch tonight against the 3-2 Kyle Kendrick.
I am far more interested in that game than the Celtics-Lakers game. Or whichever country is playing soccer against whichever other country.
New York Giant Domenik Hixon tore his ACL during a workout on Tuesday. He will not play this season.
Are you a ghoul? Then you’ll probably enjoy watching Hidden Lives of Michael Jackson’s Children on TLC this Father’s Day. Everyone else should try to spend time with their actual family. Or watching anything else.
New episode of The Green Room with Paul Provenza tonight on Showtime. Highly recommended for fans of comedy.
Let’s Have A Ball is back at the UCB this Saturday at 7:30, but then it goes away for the following two weeks. So if you want to see me perform in a non-Inferno setting, this is your only chance for the next few weeks. And speaking of the Inferno, that’s this Sunday at the Magnet Theater at 9:30.
In other performance news that doesn’t directly involve me, Eugene Mirman will be performing in Prospect Park this evening at 7:30 — along with John Hodgman, Michael Showalter, Kumail Nanjiani, Janeane Garofalo and Jerry Minor. I plan on attending (and looking for injured geese).
Tomorrow is Friday, which will be immediately followed by the weekend. Which is nice.
G’night!
Inconvenient untruth: Larry David’s ex denies shock tale of Gore affair takes up most of the cover. Apparently, Star magazine claimed that Laurie David and Al Gore have been having a “steamy, ongoing romance” for the last two years (it’s their very own EXCLUSIVE). Everyone (Laurie David, Al Gore, the man that Laurie left her husband for, “a longtime Gore family friend” and others) is vehemently denying the affair. But it still made today’s cover.
The rest of the cover is a photo of Obama with the headline MR SLICK!: Bam assures nation he has well-oiled spill plan. The first four words of the accompanying paragraph: “A smooth-talking President Obama…” I hope Michael Goodwin weighs in on Obama’s address ().
(by the way — that thing at the end of that last sentence is a SarcMark)
The new recommendation for daily sodium intake: 1,500 mg.
The previous recommendation for daily sodium intake: 2,300 mg.
Our current average daily sodium intake: 3,400 mg.
The ad with the gored bullfighter is on page 12 today, but it’s still only a quarter-page and now it’s in black and white. But even if it were a full-page ad in color with cartoon blood added, it wouldn’t be as horrifying as pages 4 and 5. NIGHTMARE OF A FIERY DOOM discusses the trial of Agnes Bermudez, who allegedly set her ex-boyfriend (William Salazar) on fire on Father’s Day in 2008. She then “accidentally torched herself” — and the second-floor apartment they were in. They both ran out of the building and were aided by a deli owner who used water to extinguish them. Salazar was taken to a burn ward, where he died four days later. The upstairs neighbor, Flor Sandoval, 48, leaped to her death (the fire department was there and were literally seconds away from providing a ladder). Bermudez survived (though she was severely burned all over her body) and there’s a large (full-color) photo of her on page 4 (it’s incredibly gruesome — I may never eat pizza again).
Page 5 is made up of six photos: 1) Them on fire; 2) Salazar (still on fire) running into a deli to get help; 3) Salazar (still on fire) running out of the deli; 4) Salazar and Bermudez back out on the street (and still on fire); 5) Salazar being covered with water by the deli owner (Bermudez remains on the ground and on fire); 6) Sandoval leaping to her death (neither Salazar and Bermudez are on fire anymore).
Can you believe that Oprah put that chimp-maul lady on the TV?
Drake (the rapper, not the cakes) was supposed to give a free concert at the South Street Seaport last night. When the crowd (of roughly 20,000) was told that he would be 90 minutes late, a riot broke out. The concert was then cancelled.
I still have no idea who Drake is.
Michael Goodwin on last night’s speech: “No matter the crisis, Obama can’t resist the temptation to exploit it in his quest to grow the government.”
Me on Michael Goodwin: “No matter the context, Goodwin can’t resist the temptation to be a dick.”
Page Six (today on page 14) reports that Debrahlee Lorenzana replaced her attorney (Jack Tuckner) with Gloria Allred because she learned that Tuckner was sued by his former office manager for… sexual harassment.
Gee, does that mean that Mandrea wasn’t responsible? Do you think she’ll apologize for taking credit in her next column ()?
Someone stole one of Charlie Sheen’s Mercedes (Mercedeses?) and sent it over a cliff on Mulholland Drive. Fun Fact: This is the second time this has happened in five months.
Did Cindy Adams die yet? I can’t find any information about her current medical woes online, but the Post keeps assuring me that “She will return soon.”
Which leads me to believe that she’s dead.
The Post reports that daredevil Jeb Corliss has been banned from setting foot in the Empire State Building. “That means he’ll never get to fulfill his dream of parachuting off the city’s tallest skyscraper.”
I guess they share my lack of confidence in the World Trade Center ever being rebuilt.
The new British Prime Minister issued a formal apology for “Bloody Sunday,” the 1972 incident that became the subject of one of U2’s most popular songs.
Which means we can expect an apology for the spill in the Gulf of Mexico sometime in 2048.
Keith Phoenix is being re-tried for beating an Ecuadorian to death with a baseball bat. His defense, according to his attorney (the aptly-named Philip Smallman) is that “alcohol was running through this [incident] like the Nile River runs through Egypt.”
So, it wasn’t a hate crime because the defendant was drunk.
Outstanding.
Joy L. Cassidy, 74, of Boise, Idaho, was arrested and charged with pouring mayonnaise in a library drop box. She is also being questioned about 10 other “condiment-related crimes” (employees at the library have reported corn syrup and ketchup being poured into the drop box over the last year).
On the plus side, it’s refreshing to read that someone is utilizing the library in Boise.
General David Petraeus fainted yesterday while testifying at a Senate hearing.His spokesman said it was because he was “maybe a little jet-lagged, dehydrated certainly.”
If you look at the photos, there was a large (and full) pitcher of water and a glass directly in front of Petraeus.
I know there’s a metaphor in there somewhere, but I’m too tired to find it.
Jonah Goldberg’s translation of last night’s speech: “If we could defeat Hitler, we can hike your utility bills! If we could put a man on the moon, we can put an American manufacturing job in India! Yes, we can!”
Me on Jonah Goldberg: “You’re an idiot.”
Best Buy’s stock is plummeting. When asked for their thoughts on this, Best Buy employees mumbled “Thass nah my aparmuh” and walked away. While texting.
Crude oil is up to $76.94/barrel.
Citigroup is back up to $3.99/share.
The Yankees beat the Phillies (Granderson, Teixeira and Swisher all hit homers), but Tampa also won, so they both remain in 1st place.
Sergio Mitre went on the 15-day disabled list, so Boone Logan has been called up from Triple-A. A-Rod (who hasn’t played since leaving Thursday’s game) is expected to return tonight.
Let’s go, Yanks! And stop going, Tampa!
Surprise! Michaele Salahi is officially one of the five “women” starring in Bravo’s The Real Housewives of DC.
Bravo continues to out-sleaze themselves.
Linda Stasi’s verdict on TV Land’s new sitcom, Hot in Cleveland: three stars.
I forgot to mention this last week, but The Center for Anti-Violence Education held a benefit at Prospect Park to promote their message. What kind of benefit?
A punch-a-thon.
This belongs somewhere between The Center for Anti-Obesity Education’s butter-eating contest and The Center for Racial Tolerance Education’s effigy-lynching benefit on the list of terribly misguided ideas.
Happy Hump Day!
Today’s cover story is BLOOM BURGLAR!
“Disgraced GOP consultant John Haggerty Jr.” is accused of stealing $1,100,000 from Mike Bloomberg and has been indicted on grand-larceny charges. Haggerty was “one of Mayor Bloomberg’s most trusted campaign aides” when he fabricated a poll-watching operation and forged backdated checks. The Post furiously pats itself on the back for breaking this story (“Strangely, no one at the Bloomberg campaign asked for an accounting until The Post began raising questions in late January.”). To be fair, the Post did break the story. But it’s still a terrible newsapaper.
Councilman Charles Barron (who is certifiably insane) has decided that, in order to draw attention to the fact that there are currently no gubernatorial candidates of color, he will run for governor. He will not win. He will not even come close. But I guess quantity is more importnat to him than quality.
The MTA will be changing some of the new signage they recently installed at the 14th Street Station (at Sixth Avenue). It seems that no one there knew about the common Internet abbrevation FML (Fuck My Life).
LOL.
The Post claims that the way that the MTA plans on fixing the signs is “transit workers will more the L sticker below the F and M.”
Which, as our eyes are trained to read from left to right and top to bottom, will not fix the gaffe.
BANK BABE BUSTS OUT BIG GUNS: ‘Post’-traumatic att’y hire explains that “after the Post ripped into the beauty yesterday,” Debrahlee Lorenzana has hired “media-savvy feminist lawyer” Gloria Allred. The accompanying photo of Lorenzana bears the caption, “FIRING BACK: After being ripped by Andrea Peyser in The Post, Debrahlee Lorenzana has hired big-time lawyer Gloria Allred.”
“I’m flattered that my words were sufficient to draw Gloria Allred, like a truffle-sniffing pig, out from California to represent this lady,” replies Mandrea.“I’m getting an avalanche of messages, e-mails, voicemails from people who are saying, ‘Bravo!’ and that [Lorenzana] is a publicity whore.”
But did Lorenzana hire Allred because of what Mandrea wrote in yesterday’s paper? “Allred… refused to say whether Andrea Peyser’s column inspired Lorenzana to dump the lawyer who brought her suit charging Citibank axed her for looking too sexy.” Oh. So… maybe Mandrea is taking credit where credit isn’t due? And could someone please explain to her that you can’t call someone a publicity whore if you and your employer are responsible for her continued publicity. Like, say, giving her the cover yesterday followed by almost all of page 3 today.
Is the Department of Transportation considering using eminent domain to “modernize and revamp” the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, destroying “30 to 50 buildings along the Brooklyn waterfront — including multimillion-dollar historic brownstones in Brooklyn Heights” in the process? Yes!
The gored bullfighter is on page 8 today, but he only gets a quarter-page. Baby steps, people.
A judge in Utah has ordered that Gary Coleman’s remains “be cremated no sooner than tomorrow afternoon, so the actor’s ex-girlfriend would have enough time to travel from Oregon to Utah to see his body.”
Gary Coleman died on May 28th. His ex-girlfriend (and manager, Anna Gray) and ex-wife have been fighting over his remains ever since. Coleman would be turning over in his grave, if they ever got around to putting him in it.
In 1997, Caroline Goss was busted for possession of cocaine. In 2003, she got a DWI.
On August 13th of last year, she was driving her jeep through Hampton Bays, Long Island, with “her 6-year-old son in the front passenger seat, a glass of vodka next to her and a half-consumed bottle of vanilla vodka in the back seat when she hit Joseph Marino, 15, as he rode his bike.” Marino died instantly.
Goss had a blood-alcohol level of 0.13 (“more than 1 1/2 times the legal limit”) and was charged with vehicular manslaughter, which carries a maximum of seven years. But, because prosecutors decided “there was no evidence she was speeding or driving recklessly when the crash occurred, and witnesses had told them Marino actually swerved into the roadway before impact,” Goss was allowed to plead guilty in exchange for a sentence of six months.
Um… she was driving drunk. Very drunk. With her kid in the front seat. Six months? That’s despicable.
A judge has decided that he doesn’t have the power to take away his license, so Michael Jackson’s old doctor, Conrad Murray, is free to continue practicing medicine in California.
Wow.
“MTA officials can’t guarantee that the Second Avenue Subway construction timeline is on track. When asked at a City Council hearing yesterday if the Decmber 2016 opening date for the extension of the Q line to 96th Street was a ‘drop-dead’ completion time, MTA construction chief Michael Horodniceanu admitted, ‘Can I tell you that absolutely there will be no delays and that I can put my life on the line with that? The answer is no.’”
I am shocked. Shocked, I tell you.
According to confidential FBI files, Ted, John and Bobby Kennedy had orgies in the Carlyle Hotel with Marilyn Monroe, Peter Lawford, Sammy Davis Jr., and Frank Sinatra.
Try getting that image out of your head.
Another bug has been revealed in the iPad — users are “vulnerable to further hacking attempts” through the Safari Web browser.
Oops.
Two hours of Hell’s Kitchen tonight? Hooray!
Plus a Sabathia/Halladay showdown? More hooray!
Have a lovely Tuesday, peeps.
Hey, bank hottie… Your 15 mins. are up!
Mandrea gets half of today’s cover to insult Debrahlee Lorenzana. “What’s that aroma wafting in from Queens? That’s the sweaty stench of a lady’s desperation as she watches her biological clock wind down, along with her fame.” The unfortunately-visaged columnist goes on to describe Debrahlee as “the man-hungry, plastic-surgery-addicted, fame-whoring single mom who fantasizes about nailing George Clooney, while hoisting a mountainous chest,” “a moron,” “a gold digger with an unhealthy fixation on her breasts” and a “boob.” It seems like only yesterday (or a week ago from yesterday) that the Post gave this boob a two-page fashion spread and their full support. What a difference eight days make.
Also on the cover is a tiny blurb announcing the Yankees’ move into 1st place thanks to Jorge Posada’s second grand slam in as many games. But the majority of the front page belongs to KID FOR SAIL: Dad had TV deal as girl risked life. Weeks after Abby Sunderland set sail, her idiot father (who is broke) signed a contract with Magnetic Entertainment for Adventures in Sunderland (a reality show about the family) and Abby’s Journey (a documentary). For their full slate of mediocre ideas, click here.
Turns out a film crew has been filming the family for over four months. It also turns out that Laurence Sunderland has seven kids and his wife is currently pregnant with at least one more. There oughta be a law.
The gored bullfighter only gets half of page 4 today. He’s still more preasing to look at than Mandrea.
Rep. Peter King (R-LI) had some seemingly treasonous words for House Democrats: “I hope they put our relationship with Israel above the their relationship with Obama.”
That’s treason, right? Choosing to side with another country over America and its leader? Right?
Moammar Khadafy is expected to pay $2,900,000,000 to victims of Irish terrorism (Libya supplied shiploads of explosives to the IRA over the years).
I’m glad that those families will be financially compensated, but it makes me sad that Khadafy can afford to do so.
Are they going to ban vuvuzelas (those plastic trumpets) from remaining World Cup matches? Probably!
Will England stop blaming the new soccer balls for their goalie’s game-tying oopsie-doodle against the US? Probably not!
Larry King’s contract with CNN is up next May and Page Six (today on page 10) claims it might not be renewed — and that King might be moving back to NYC. I wonder which sister he’ll take with him.
Sausage magnate Jimmy Dean has passed on at the age of 81.
His remains will be shot full of chemicals and hormones, ground up, sprayed with ammonia, and fed to children.
The #1 movie is America this weekend was a remake of a 1984 movie (The Karate Kid — $56,000,000). #2 was an adaptation of a 1983 TV show (The A-Team — $26,000,000). #3 was the third Shrek sequel ($15,800,000). #4 was a spin-off of Forgetting Sarah Marshall (Get Him to the Greek — $10,100,000). #5 was Killers ($8,170,000).
Well done, Hollywood. Well done.
Michael Jackson’s father, Joe, is now insisting that, had his wife (Katherine) listened to him, his son would still be alive today.
Covered in welts, but alive.
Page 17 features the article ‘STATE’ OF RELIEF: $hutdown averted for at last 2 weeks.
Can you spot the typo? Hint: It isn’t the dollar sign.
Pilots for Spirit Airlines are on strike. If you’re supposed to be flying Spirit Airlines in the forseeable future, make other plans.
The Yankees and the Rays are both 40-23, sharing 1st place in the AL East. Both teams have tonight off, so that won’t change until tomorrow (at the earliest). Then the Yankees have 3 games against the Phillies, followed by 3 against the Mets. Not pushovers, but we should be fine.
The Yankees had 3 grand slams last season. This year they have 6 (including Posada’s 2 recent ones). A-Rod is expected back tomorrow night. Posada caught, but left after the eighth inning with a sore foot.
Fun Fact: Baltimore has won only 6 away games this season.
David Carradine’s last movie will air on my father’s birthday. Here’s the trailer.
Miss it if you can.
The band that plays on American Idol is suing the show for a cut of the downloads and ringtones that the show sells of their “music.” They’re asking for $500,000.
The show is worth billions. But I have a feeling they’ll fight this in court anyway.
(waves miniature American flag)
Congratulations to Dog Court on their fourth consecutive victory at the Inferno. Last night’s challenge was to do a set that was comprised entirely of openings. We have rarely, if ever, worked on openings. And yet… it was one of the best shows they’ve ever done. Bravo to them all (except Jeff, who wasn’t there).
And, despite the mild rain, we had our picnic and spent a thoroughly enjoyable day together (I am not yet too old to play wiffle ball, but I’m getting there). I’m proud to be their coach (even Jeff) and am already looking forward to next Sunday’s show.
And now, I must away to buy paper products. See you tomorrow (at an earlier hour).
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